Getting out of the way of yourself.

  Too often we are in our own way. Many times we are too much in our own heads and can't let go of the control our egos like to exhibit. I learned something valuable today and it surprisingly came from my own mouth. It began with advice about doing a tarot reading, but has expanded into something greater.
   When one goes for, or gives a tarot reading posing the question is one of the oft most overlooked piece of the encounter. Yet the question is the crux of the answer and we forget that at our own peril.
   I was talking with a colleague today about setting up the question for a reading. How the question is phrased is of the utmost importance. I liken it to programming a computer...any mistake is because of human error. People have a tendency to limit their options for an answer to a simple yes/no or and either/or, but the answer may need to be much more far reaching. Limited views, preconceived notions of what is possible or leading questions can all lead the question astray before you even begin. Spirit will do its best to get the to heart of the matter, but a badly worded question can provide a significant block to interpreting what the cards are saying.
    Badly worded questions are limited and closed, not allowing spirit to answer in its fullness. Asking an either or question limits you to two possibilities, when there may be a third you are not even aware of. Yes or no questions can be just as bad.
      This is not limited to reading tarot cards, but any interaction with spirit that is limited by our vocabulary. Words have a structure of their own, often with narrow meanings compared to the energy that motivates the question. They can be wonderful tools if crafted well, but often they fall far short.
     I sat down this evening to pose a question to my own deck. The question broadly was to be, how to return the magic to my life. Don't get me wrong, I like my life currently, but it is not magical and it has been before. I set out several decks and took a moment to prepare myself before doing the reading.
   As I prepared, I focused inwards and relaxed allowing the question to coalesce into being. Sometimes as I do this the answers come before I have drawn the cards. In this instance I realised that I should pose my question as a prayer rather than a reading. What started to form was "How can I best bring magic back into my life" , which changed to "Help me bring magic back into my life". As I focused on this prayer one thing immediately stood out....me.
     I was asking spirit to help me bring back the magic, rather than getting out of the way and asking them to do it. I realised it might not be within my finite ability to bring this effect into being. Even with spirit's help, I might not be able to pull off what I was asking for. It is like asking for spirit to give me the strength to get over an obstacle, rather than having spirit remove the obstacle or provide a way to bypass it. My own limitations as a finite being stand in the way of every request in which I ask for help for me to do something.
    I do not need to be the one that overcomes the obstacle, that is what my ego would like, but not really what I want. There are instances where it is relevant to me to do something with spirit's help, but this is not one of them.
    There is a fine line here that I tread with this, between what I believe is possible for myself and what is possible for spirit to achieve above, beyond and for me. It reminds me of exercise we did in the Celtic workshop in which we do a healing, but the guides do all the work and we watch. For me it was difficult to step aside and let spirit work through me even though the end result might be more effective. There is a part of me that wants to be responsible for the healing directly. It wants the gratification, it wants to believe that it is the source of the healing. But it isn't. It is spirit. It has worked through me, but how much better might it work if the me got out of the way?
   Instead of asking spirit to help me, I asked for spirit to return the magic to my life. It involves a faith and a trust and not so much meddling on my behalf. I get to witness the magic occur through the act of faith and in the end, what is the difference? It feels more like commanding than pleading and that can only be a positive step. Spirit doesn't have a problem saying no.
 
   
     
     

2 of Pentacles. Uncertainty and imbalance.

  The 2 of Pentacles stands at the beginning of the suit and after the strong Ace, promising new beginnings we are already suffering uncertainty. The two pentacles represent material goods, work, money and even health.
    The figure is standing on one leg and trying to balance the two coins, while wearing an absurdly tall hat. Not to mention the roiling sea behind him.
   Everything about this card shouts that things are unsettled and are trying desperately to find some level of equilibrium. The figure himself looks disinterestedly off into the middle distance as though this unsettling situation is an everyday occurrence. I find myself sympathizing with him as his situation accurately depicts my own at the moment.
    His garb is simple reds and yellows, which depict this uncertainty as occurring both on a physical and mental level. Binding the pentacles together  is a green band shaped into a lemniscate. This green loop is the symbol for infinity, but in this instance it only seems to underline the fact that uncertainty and change are constant and eternal. Unusually his shoes are also this bright green, which seems to suggest that balance is found in aligning with the heart and grounding that energy.
     The figure is somewhat reminiscent of a court jester with his bright clothing and tall hat. The hat seems to further accentuate the rolling and tilting feel of the card. Hats are usually representative of the mental attitudes we possess and he is using that element in the card to make sure he doesn't overbalance. You may also notice the line across the floor near the edge of the sea, this makes the figure look as though he is on stage and the backdrop may merely be a painted image.
     Regardless of the figure's juggling , he does seem to have reached a level of equilibrium within his unorthodox posture. He reminds me of a circus clown who while appearing to be on the verge of constantly falling somehow manages to maintain his equilibrium and not spill whatever he is carrying.
     The ships in the background are riding the comically curving waves and their journey if those waves are to be believed would certainty be bumpy.
     This card is how I feel at the moment in my financial situation. I am juggling several different possibilities for work, while trying to maintain a firm base and I feel like a clown trying to keep a tall stack of plates from falling. Like a cosmic jape that is no longer funny I have passed into the realm of not caring about the performance any longer and it is only a matter of time before the plates come crashing down if no real and enduring equilibrium is found.
     Another interesting aspect for me within the card is the aspect of balance as related to physical health. I have been attempting to stretch out my hamstrings and inner knees and finding that when I walk the tightness causes me to walk on the outer edge of my feet. Balancing because of this is more difficult as I tend to sway to either side as I balance on one leg! I noticed some tension in this area as I relaxed in bed last night pondering the day I had been through.
        I had run a game of Llumination for the staff at the healing centre. Now Llumination is a tarot based game that I am trained to facilitate. It is kind of like a group tarot reading, but with input from all the other people partaking. It can bring up some interesting topics and can be a lot of fun and very involving for all playing. As I ran the game, we came close to the last round of questions. One of the participants had asked a question about when something would be coming to an end for her, something she has been looking to have closed for over a decade. The game gave the answer that there would be resolution within one month.
       Now, for me I find giving such definitive answers is a risky business. I have felt burned too many times by things not coming to pass quite as I had hoped, of leaping and not finding a net beneath me. So much so that my tired old knees protest every-time I have to have faith in something working out as the universe has dictated. Looking back at the situation while I lay in bed I could feel my knees tensing up, even just thinking about having faith in such a definitive answer.
        There was a time in which my faith was much stronger with regards to financial matters and such a leap would not have bothered me and lo..a net would appear. Yet, somewhere along the way I have lost that gung-ho attitude and I wonder if a lack of faith is causing me to falter when I am left with such a clear answer.
      For me I feel the card points to a deeper problem, that of returning the fearless faith I had in the universe, for without such a faith I just ending damaging my knees after a bad landing. I took a nasty fall and I am afraid to go back and take the high wire once more for fear that once more the net will be gone when I leap.
   

9 of Pentacles. Financial independence and superiority.

     This card is about plenty and the freedom granted by financial independence. It has brought up a great deal of personal baggage in trying to get myself into the right frame of mind to discuss it. Sometimes entering into the mind state of the card is harder than usual, certainly if the card represents a state that is not resonant for me at this time.
     None-the-less I will discuss the card before delving into the more personal aspects. The nine is close to the end of the material cycle represented by the pentacles, we are almost at fullness within this suit. The lady in the card is enjoying all the fruits that material security and independence can buy. She is leisurely enjoying her estate in a fine robe covered in Venusian symbols. Venus being the planet of beauty it shows that her finery is of the greatest opulence. It is a golden robe, which again exemplifies the wealth this card represents. The trim on the robe, along with the hat she wears is a vivid red. Red being a colour of vibrancy, material power and vigour.
        Behind her is a golden sunset, the composition balanced by two trees either side of her. The Venusian symbolism, the finery and the balance all suggest this card has links to Libra.  To either side of her are the pentacles stacked alongside the rich bunches of grapes, suggesting she can afford to enjoy the finer things in life. The hooded hawk itself is another symbol of aristocracy, also showing her freedom to move about and return to a comfortable resting place. It's hood remains in place as it is not now the time to hunt, but to relax.
       At the foot of the card is a snail showing the leisurely and sedate pace created by the secure foundation of wealth. There is no hurry and what one has is simply to be enjoyed.
      The card itself seems simple in its analysis but it has been difficult for me to feel the energy behind it. My current financial situation does not reflect the energy of the card, if anything it reflects its opposite. For me my life does not include a material stability or the ability to take things easy and enjoy the finer aspects of living. This created a great deal of conflicted feelings as most of the cards I have drawn have had a real life situation occur that allowed me to understand the energy. Instead this card has raised frustrations and ugly feelings.
      Rather than feel stuck, I have looked at the feelings that have emerged in trying to emulate this mindset in attempt to understand why I cannot bring this energy into fruition in my life. Much as when trying to flush out a blocked pipe the first thing to emerge is the cause of the blockage and all that has caused the clogging.
     What arises in me is envy. Envy is not an emotion I am used to. Although once I look at it, I see how pervasive it has become in my own life. Being brought to my financial knees has magnified the envy I feel for all those around me in such a way that it has become an intolerable noise. Upon further examination I see that it goes even deeper into my psyche. Last night as I drifted off to sleep I asked for a dream to elucidate my situation so I could better understand how this feeling may be blocking me.
      I dreamt that I was in a department store in which several high-tech stands were set up. I was there with my younger brother, although he was much younger in the dream...little more than a young child. I was in possession of a large felt block or box which strapped onto my back by virtue of a Velcro strap. When I put the pale green box onto my back I could hover about at a height of a foot or two. It was quite a pleasurable experience and the box itself felt weightless. As I was hovering about, my brother threw a toy or figurine into a glass display case shattering the front. One of the shop workers came over and scolded me for my brother's actions and informed me that I wouldn't be able to work there because of his action. I felt non-plussed by this as I wasn't really interested in it in the first place. I was considering offering the box to my brother when the dream shifted. It then moved into another aspect about another area of my life which does not seem relevant.
      Symbolically the green represents envy and the block...well that represents a block. But, the dream suggests that I am willingly donning the block because it elevates me. I can understand how this may be. I can feel elevated by my envy, I can even feel an element of superiority (aerial superiority!). If I feel elevated then I would naturally feel envious of those who are below me from possessing what I do not. My desire is not born of a genuine desire, but from a righteousness derived from a false sense of superiority. Letting go of this envy and the superior elevated position, although less pleasurable immediately will lead to me finding my own level. It will put me in contact with the earth and ground me in reality.
      It is easy to find the source of this. Growing up I was the smallest in my year...bar the kid with a growth disorder. I was also one of the youngest, struggled with my school work and was naturally shy. My family was not wealthy so seeing others with more was a regular occurrence. My father also had a serious inferiority complex, often claiming that Italians were responsible for every single good thing in civilization and therefore by extension he was part of that legacy. I could go on, but it does not serve as there are many factors in this stew and no one thing is fully responsible.  It is natural that I would want to feel bigger, better and superior to those who surrounded me, if only to be able to compete.
      I can see that this constructed sense of superiority disconnects me from the earth and my true self. I know I possess many good qualities and this envy exists because of my childhood difficulties. It is difficult for me to feel a desire for something without going through a sense of entitlement born of an elevated sense of self. But it is not connected, it is not genuine and only serves to feed this dynamic of envy.
     The block in the dream is only connected by a strap of Velcro, yet the desire to feel elevated is strong. Finding a block that doesn't weigh me down is novel, as in my experience they often possess a weight which creates a lethargy and feelings of heaviness. Letting go of the block means letting go of a safety mechanism that has been in place for a long time and has served to keep me afloat when things should have buried me. I know now that I can rely on my own self worth and do not need to keep an aid to buoyancy with me. It is only keeping me from connecting fully with the earth.
      In the end I have to let go of this barrier to financial independence, the feeling that has kept me safe for so long. Because it no longer serves and only suffices to keep me disconnected. The elevated sense of self. It is the shadow side of the 9 of Pentacles, an elevated sense of superiority. Granted by things real or imagined.

XX - Judgement

  The Judgement card is one that is easy to mistake the meaning of. It's the title and the heavily christian allegorical symbolism that can throw one off. If you are looking at Judgement in terms of the judiciary meaning then take a look at the Justice card, it is not about crime and punishment.
   What is immediately obvious to anyone with more than a passing relationship to the Book of Revelations is that the symbolism...the angel blowing the trumpet, the dead arising and a possible tidal wave in the background, is striking.
    Rather than meaning an actual end of the world "Judgement Day", it is about our own personal reckoning.
    The card is speaking of soul fragments that have either "died" or become trapped being raised from their confinement. In the journey of the Fool, when he encounters this particular situation it is when he must face the parts of himself that have become lost, trapped or relegated to the past. The clarion call of the angel resurrects the parts of himself that have been left behind so they can be re-united in wholeness.
    The idea of facing parts of our past we want to have buried can be somewhat disturbing. We may have buried them for a reason...or so we feel. They may be associated with terrible times, traumatic events or feelings of deep shame or denial. They may even be happy parts that we no longer feel we have a right to, or that belong to another time, or are so polluted with attachments to bad memories we don't want to look.
     Drawing this card has meant for me a long hard look at the choices and difficulties in my own life. I have worked heavily on this area, but I could feel something birthing through the process. It forced me to consider my relationship with Zoe in a honest and straight forward light. We have a great relationship, but there are elements that could be improved upon. Elements we both need to be happy with ourselves and with each other.
      Many years ago Zoe lost a very important person to her. She felt a great connection to him, so when he passed away suddenly it left a hole in her life. They were both in their teens and so it was very unexpected and shocking. It didn't help that Zoe was going through several already difficult experiences in her family life at the time, or that there were elements that made her feel indirectly responsible for his passing. For her the joy and excitement of teenage feelings were stripped away in a horrifying manner leaving a void and a powerlessness in their wake. So, for her those happy feelings are tainted with the circumstances in which they were lost and resurrecting them can seem like a disturbing consideration. Talking about the situation alone is enough to bring tears to her eyes.
     In the struggle for wholeness, we cannot leave any parts of ourselves behind. For in truth, there is a part of us forever living that trauma and that deeply affects the quality of our lives and the relationships we form with others. A certain level of bravery is required to face our fallen pieces, to see our choices, our mistakes, where we fell and where we were hurt. We all like to believe we are infallible and seeing our loss reminds us of our humanity. But those pieces deserve to enjoy freedom, to be able to step out of their confinement, because they are us and if we do not care for us...who will?
       The angel on the card is often described as being Gabriel and I feel this is appropriate. When I first worked with someone to retrieve a piece of their childhood that had been torn away by abuse, it was the image of Gabriel who wrapped his wings around the injured child and carried them from the site.
      The flag that flies from his trumpet is reminiscent of the English flag, the symbol of Saint George. Saint George was a knight who was famed for rescuing an imprisoned damsel from a dragon. While we may in our modern minds chuckle at what seems an outdated act of chivalry, there is a greater truth to the story we must consider. We must all become the knight who rescues those imprisoned pieces from the dragons of past. This world needs more than ever people who are unafraid to face their inner demons and claim their souls back. It is this call to action that Gabriel is sounding with his trumpet.
       In the Book of Revelations there is talk of seven seals and seven angels with their trumpets. These I feel are analogous with the chakras and the call to open these seals, to raise the dead from their restless slumber is to bring about a new age of wholeness after our own personal reckoning. We need more than ever to forgive ourselves for failing, for being hurt and to reject our imprisonment. The mountains are behind us and to be whole we must make peace with all our pasts.

X - Wheel of Fortune

     This mysterious card the Wheel of Fortune is one of the more enigmatic cards in the Major Arcana. It is usually simplified into "luck" and seen as a benevolent card to arrive in a reading. It is regarded as heralding a change of fortune, usually for the better. How this can be conferred from the symbolism is hard to grasp.
      The card itself is bursting with images, symbols and occult looking glyphs. These can be decoded with some understanding and I will elucidate their meanings for you shortly.
     I really wanted to get to the bottom of this card as it has been sat on my desk and at my bedside table while I have pondered it's meaning. My own life has been under going some changes recently and I would hope that the changes are for the better. It has felt as though the wheel that has been stuck for so long has begun it's inexorable movement forward out of inertia.
   The disk in the centre of the card is what first draws most people's attention. It is a bright fiery red orange contrasting against the blue of the sky, the image being representative of the workings of heaven. Upon the wheel are various glyphs. We have on the outer disk the letters "T" "A" "R" "O" which follow around one full cycle to form Tarot...also Tora(h) and Rota can be gained as well as a few more esoteric forms. Interspersed with these letter are the hebrew letters which form the Tetragrammaton for the name of the God of Israel (YHWH).
      The inner circle has delineations representing the eight seasons depicted in various pagan and oriental calendars. These lines are also shown covering the four basic alchemical substances (Water, Mercury, Sulphur and Salt) which sit in the cardinal directions.
       This all adds up to a lot of symbolism pointed at calenders and complete systems with multiple components or facets making up the whole. The whole card it seems is based on complete cycles, whether it is the elements, seasons, humours, astrology or numerology (10 is the beginning of a new cycle and entrance into double digits).
        When I became ten years old, it felt like I had entered an entirely new realm. There was nothing particularly tangible about it, but I knew that I would never have a single digit age again. It was a rite of passage that once passed could not be rescinded. We all go through certain cycles and there is little we can do to change these things, they are part of the fabric of our universe. The seasons come and go, people are born, grow old and then they die. We are powerless before the wheel of time.
        We see on the card Anubis the Jackal headed God of the afterlife on the underside of the wheel, occupying a position beneath common consciousness. His role was as a guardian and protector of the dead in Egyptian mythology.  He was also given the role of judge over the souls of the dead, before it was passed on to Osiris. He also appears as a bright red, linking him with the wheel and the process of karma, judgement and the cycling of the souls onto their rightful destinations. This implies that the wheel itself is somewhat driven by karma and it will bring into being what you have sown, the judge being that of the unconscious.
         Atop the wheel sits a sphinx, she is a bright blue and is an amalgamation of the four fixed astrological signs who sit in the corners of the card (Leo, Aquarius, Scorpio and Taurus). Curiously she doesn't possess wings and the elemental beings do. The sphinx holds a sword and sits in balance atop the wheel, linking her to the attribute of mind and thought. In her I see a link to the balanced forces of heaven, a conjunction of all the elements in balance sat above the wheel. She is a master of all the elements and even of karma itself. She points to the great secret that frees you from the wheel of karmic fortune, of being aligned with heavenly forces and not being ruled by astrological influences and yet being ultimately a part of them. The lack of wings is a symbol of her choice to remain upon the wheel and the blue is her connection to the throat chakra and living in alignment.
        On the descending side we see a golden coloured snake. Snakes are a symbol of wisdom and the gold is representative of wealth. The snake brings the wisdom of the workings of the universe gathered by the four astrological signs down into the material world. This is where the good luck and wealth aspects of the card really come in. The snake has already passed the apex and is descending to earth bringing with it good fortune and great wisdom. By this we can see that the wheel has already been set in motion, that the good karma, wisdom in past actions and alignment with cosmic forces has created a beneficial aspect.
         So as to be complete the four astrological signs all sit in their corners studying books of wisdom. They are being filled with knowledge about their respective positions in the universe and they will eventually reach enlightenment (The World card).
         The Wheel of Fortune has a very heavy esoteric bias, but most people are happy to see this card as good luck without understanding the mechanisms for its creation, which are all written here upon this key. In the end there will be no need for luck as one will be free to align with whichever stars happen to be favoured, rather than being tied to one's own.
        I am not there yet, so I am simply happy to receive this card, to know that the wheel is turning and all the good I have put into play will return to me. Coincidentally (or not), it is interesting to note that I drew this card one calender year from the end of the current cycle in the Mayan calender in 2012...spooky!
     
 

4 of Cups. Dissatisfaction and false expectation.

   Pulling this card I wondered how my day would turn out. So far each card I have pulled has affected my day in some form or another, so drawing this card I have been concerned as to what may transpire.
   The four of cups is about boredom, dissatisfaction and feeling like your expectations are not being fulfilled. The figure in the card is sat cross legged under a tree, his arms are also folded across his chest indicative of a defensive and closed off posture. His gaze is firmly fixed on the three cups arrayed before him and his expression leads you to believe is not happy  with his three cups and he probably won't be happy with four either.
     Surprisingly the rest of the card is not all that glum. The grass is green, the sky is blue and there is no immediate threat or danger he is having to face other than his own petulance.
     Today I was in danger of feeling the same way, but since the card had primed me I was kind of prepared. I was to spend the day at the healing centre waiting for new clients to come in, or just be around should anybody wish to have a treatment. I usually go in and be there so that if someone has questions I am there at set hours during the week.  I had a call from a lady half way through the day who wished to come in to see me. Knowing this card was in the offing I didn't set any expectations so as not to be disappointed. It turns out she wanted to talk and share her experiences in Northern Italy and meet all of us at the centre. We talked for a while and she shared her experiences, then she left taking several of my cards with her. It was a pleasant way to spend the remainder of the day there and I had plenty of chance to talk with R and H who were also at the centre. I realised that it is very easy to become disappointed if you have expectations about certain things occurring in a way you would like them to be.
    We all have expectations, it is hard not to. We all want things for our lives and it is difficult to not get caught up when it looks like those things are getting closer or moving away. I find myself getting attached to outcomes that are not certain...counting my chickens before they have hatched. Yet this only ever seems to lead to disappointment and those expectations being let down. Worse than that, like the figure in the card, we can miss the gifts that are right there in front of us.
    It is only the attitude of the figure in this card that makes this a card of dissatisfaction. If he were smiling or happy to be where he was, then this could easily be a more positive card. The minor arcana are all about energies and once we understand this we are not beholden to them, or so we do not act in a manner that will make the situation worse.
   In the card a fluffy white cloud brings another cup to the disconsolate figure under the tree. So dejected is he, that he is not even aware of this divine gift that is being presented to him. He is danger of missing out on getting more, because of his maudlin attitude.
    Because I became aware of the energy dynamic as it was occurring I was able to turn the situation into a positive one. I enjoyed spending time at the centre sharing stories and listening to R and H and when the lady arrived later in the day I was receptive to the information she had to share, rather than being expectant that it may be a possible client. My expectations could have been my downfall. I wonder how many times we miss divine gifts because we are busy being glum or caught up in our own little dramas.
 

6 of Cups. Nostalgia and reminiscence

    Nostalgia is a powerful bittersweet emotion. It can be wonderful and terrible at the same time, bring aches to your heart and tears to your eyes.
    The 6 of Cups is all about that emotion, even in spite of its somewhat confusing imagery. The brightly coloured card shows a figure passing a cup  filled with flowers to a younger girl...possibly a child. It takes place in a secure walled town, complete with a guard protecting the meadow where they meet.
    I have spent many of my hours of my life lost in nostalgia, recalling the emotions of past times. Mostly I spend it recalling how I felt, emotions that feel out of reach except in bittersweet memories. People say that these emotions are a trap, that they hold you in the past, grasping for things that will never be again. There is an element of truth in their words, but there is also a reason we feel so drawn to these types of thoughts.
   There was one element in this card that I could not figure out at first. All of the cards are very well drawn, depicting with skill the elements they talk of. So as an artist there was one thing that stood out to me as I looked at this card. Barring the somewhat ambiguous depiction of a child, there seems to be a strong artistic flaw in this picture.  Looking to the left of the card we see steps and a pathway on which a guard with a spear is walking. The pathway is sloping upwards and the lines of perspective point in that direction too, yet the crenelations on the square tower point downwards towards the horizon line. This creates a discontinuity in the image. It is easy to think this may well be an artistic mistake that was overlooked, but if we are to remain in keeping with the idea that all elements have been included for a purpose then it may speak of more beneath the surface of this card.
       There are two options I can think of. The first is that the skewed perspective is a commentary on the warped perspectives we often show when we look back on the past, certainly on childhood experiences. The second is that the perspective is not incorrect and it is showing a bridge that is arcing up before suddenly dipping down. This would mean there was a river or some other obstacle we could not see that needed to be surmounted.
    There may be an element of truth in both of these statements. As a shaman I understand that memories of the past, regardless of how painful can be keys to certain lost emotions. There are some wounds that do not heal with time and our memories serve to bring us back to these psychical scars time and time again as if probing a missing tooth.
    I had a simple dream a few nights back that I have been puzzling over that I believe is somewhat related, at least for me. In the dream I had just emerged from a deep cave system, which has treacherous pathways and narrow ledges. I came upon a town in which I encountered a new car which apparently I had just bought. It was a deep red sporty looking vehicle, somewhat like a Mustang but with a slightly different design. I got into the vehicle and pulled out a map to find my way back home. The map showed a mountain range (somewhat like Colorado) with lots of names upon it. I was trying to find either where I had come up, or Flagstaff so I could return home with my new car. The dream was frustrating in that I could not find either on the map and I didn't want to start driving a new car not knowing where I was or where I was going.
    Looking back on the dream I can understand my feelings, having felt like I have just emerged from a very difficult period and found a new way of moving through the world. The problem is in how to bring that home to myself. I look on the map trying to find places I knew, yet not finding them. It is like I can't bring that piece home yet as I don't know the route. I search for a recognizable route but find none.
    Often nostalgia is like this. We can find a piece of ourselves trapped somewhere, but there is no point of reference on how to bring it back. So we go again and again to this place to taste the fruit that we have become disconnected from.
   Maybe that is the bridge unseen in the card. A link between that sweet memory and the security of our own being. It crosses an unknown obstacle and the route drops out of sight.
   The nostalgia in me points to a time when I did feel that great sense of adventure which the sporty car represents. Yet that time is gone and I am yet to understand how to bring it back to my home. I could live it once more by adopting the same attitudes as I had before and embarking on carefree endeavors. I could live in that disconnected dream world, but I have done that many times before. I know eventually the fuel would run low and I would need to rest my head, but I would be in unknown territory and far from home. So I chose not to adopt the mindset of the old...yet there is something there still to be integrated.
    In the card we see the larger figure gifting the smaller figure, a possible representation of our own inner child. So the card suggests that nostalgia does offer a gift if we can accept it and find a way to bring it back across the bridge. The way is safe, but unknown and that in itself can be a terrifying prospect.
    What I understand is that we have to find these lost fragments of ourselves, the parts of us that have been lost to time, or to hurt and find a way to bring them back to ourselves as we stand now. Otherwise we will never feel complete. It is a process of unearthing, like pulling an artifact from the ground and following the wire as it pulls out from the grip of our memories. By doing so we can see why it got stuck or buried, what was lain atop it or caused it to be disregarded. We must walk that mysterious bridge half glimpsed for ourselves for only then will we become whole. It can be a painful and beautiful journey as we step back into ourselves, but we must not lose hope that these pieces are gone forever. They are us, they are our soul and we must not abandon them.
    Many times we even feel that they are the property of others, that another made us feel that way. But by doing so we lose our power, it is our life and our feelings, they were just a trigger and it is within us to find it again.
    For me music is often that bridge to the feeling. The music can transport you back to a painful or difficult moment and allow you to relive it once more. By doing so it allows us to re-integrate that part back into our current awareness. I have been recently listening to the Pixies (Where is my mind? and Monkey gone to heaven) and a few other songs that remind me of feelings I had felt were lost to me and learning how to make them my own once more. Stripping them of their negative associations and taking only the good back.
     

Learning to have faith

  Faith is one of those prickly topics. It is inextricably tied up with belief and by association with religion and spirituality.
   It is a word used with scorn by skeptics and as a shield for those who lack the necessary evidence to have certainty in their views.
   Never-the-less it is absolutely necessary to have this quality in ourselves and those we trust. Life is not a science experiment that can be measured, repeated and subject to peer review. There are far too many permutations in our daily lives that we can have absolute certainty in every action we do. We must take action every day, that much is a certainty. Even not acting has consequences that cannot be measured before time.
    Faith is trusting in something even though there is not enough evidence to make it a certainty. Its opposite, doubt, is mistrusting because we lack the necessary evidence to make it a certainty. You can see they are exactly the same action but with either a negative or positive mindset attached.
    Applying doubt or faith to an external source such as a human being or a belief system is a luxury that we have the option of not choosing. But this doesn't hold true for ourselves. We must all make choices in this imperfect system without the benefit of absolute certainty. Thus we are given the choice to have faith or doubt in ourselves that we will make the best choices for our lives.
    Doubting oneself is a terrible burden, for with it carries guilt for every action that was not completed perfectly. For myself I have found that doubt has been at the root of many of my own personal recriminations. That I listened to the whispered voice of personal doubt, which makes feeling guilty so much easier. If I already doubt my choices to begin with, then guilt is so much easier to overlay.
      Trusting oneself is what lays beneath this. Without trust in oneself, it is easy to doubt...then from there to accept guilt for our choices. Fostering the goodness within us, we learn to trust and from there to have faith in ourselves and our choices even in the face of having no certainties.
      There are times when I have felt a certainty in my choices and then trusting myself becomes easier, times when I have felt totally attuned or a faultless sense of conviction in my actions. But these times are intermittent at best and you cannot live your life only from these moments. Doubts will assail us all, but only by having a faith in ourselves can we banish these imps back to the shadows.
       Recently I have had reason to doubt myself and it has caused a cascade of doubt to run through my self and to cause cracks in the walls of my convictions. It was as simple as missing a call. Working part time at the healing centre means I am on call if someone should show up and need a treatment. I missed the call by 10 minutes because I chose to take a walk and return long after it would be possible to do anything about it. It is one of those silly situations you see in movies but minimized to almost triviality, where a character doubts themselves for some consequence they feel they could have prevented by making an earlier choice differently. I know that there is no way I could have known to stay in, yet still the doubt lingers. Unlike other situations there is no-one but myself making me feel guilty.
       This guilt is made possible by my doubts. I don't doubt the bigger decisions in my life, the ones backed by righteousness, conviction or insight. I trust and have faith in my decisions on a larger scale. I know I am a good person and don't doubt I will make the right choice. It is the little everyday choices, the ones that have little or nothing resting upon them where doubt lives.
     Another incident occurred recently during my snow shovelling job. It was my first day and there was a pretty heavy snowfall I had to clear. I was working with new colleagues and it was laborious and physically demanding work. At one point I ended up working with the maintenance supervisor to clear a pathway. He is not part of my work detail, but the building's head maintenance guy so I was unsure of my hierarchical position in regards to him. He asked me to clear a certain pathway and then came back later I get the feeling to "check-up" on me. I was clearing a section of pathway that had tiny rivulets running through it and he told me that I should shovel it with the rivulets, rather than across them. I had found it made no discernible difference, yet he continued throughout the day to make tiny observations about our equipment, how much we had cleared and the time taken. My instinctive reaction was that the guy is behaving like a jackass, but my own doubts stopped me from putting a stop to the comments.
       These situations have a gravity of their own and after a multitude of minor hesitations on my part it all adds up to a major hesitation. The sense of independence, personal strength and integrity comes tumbling back down again. Realizing that a battle can be lost not through a major defeat but through steady attrition of faith in oneself makes it all the more important to stop the trickling losses.
       So the question remains. How does one learn to have faith in oneself if you are prone to self-doubt? The answer lies in trust. Trusting that you will make the right choices, even if they do not occur reflexively at first. This unconsciously doing the right thing does not immediately occur as soon as you understand it. For most of us it requires time and patience, it requires making mistakes, trusting the wrong people and being taken advantage of at first. Not everyone has a hyperactive defense system and for me coming from the position of giving people the benefit of the doubt too much...of caring and not wanting to hurt unnecessarily, it means that a mistake is the cost of learning. Over time I will get better at it, I will see the danger in the grass before stepping. I will trust my inner knowing, that gut instinct and give it credence and eventually be able to put it immediately into play.
     
     

Queen of Wands. Occupying centre stage.

    The Queen of Wands is one of the brighter court cards. She represents the female aspect of fire in its ruler-ship position and that of water and fire. It is also difficult to ignore the Leo symbolism within this card, there are lions on the back of the throne along with a sunflower.
     The sunflower is also represented within the Sun card. The sunflower itself is seen as a symbol of happiness and joy. The open face of the sunflower follows the progress of the sun making it an extremely active plant.
   Whenever I get this card it is linked to strong and vivacious women, usually Leos. Leo women tend to be pretty straightforward and are able to keep a good amount of optimism throughout situations that would have the less fiery signs sobbing into their tissues.
   The queen in this card is clad in a bright yellow gown, which immediately stands out and this is the way that this queen would have it. She is a bright individual who stands out from the wallflowers and is not afraid to stand up front and take the spotlight. You may also notice the soft lavender cloak she wears over her yellow attire, you might not see this soft tender side immediately as the yellow can be so overpowering, but it is certainly there. Lavender is a soft spiritual colour linked to a higher form of feminine intuition which this lady has in spades.
     At her feet sits a black cat. Black cats are symbols of luck, both for ill and for good. Each country seems to have its own ideas on whether they are good or bad, or even if the cat has to be walking in a certain direction! In this instance I would say that the queen is lucky as the cat sits at her feet and is a further representation of the queen herself. She can be somewhat fickle and prone to chase the limelight.
    There is also a further aspect to this fiery queen, the ability to voice her thoughts on matters large and small. She fully believes in her ability to speak the truth of the matter, not in a logical and intellectual way like the Queen of Swords but in an inspired and impassioned way. She is intuitive, intelligent and somewhat psychic and her Leonine demeanor gives her the strength and courage to voice her feelings and insights. At best she can captivate and illuminate a room, at worst she can come off as condescending and rude. Her fiery spiritual nature connects her to greater and deeper truths than those of the trodden masses and she is not afraid to make sure everyone knows it.
      Being a Leo myself (albeit a male one!) I can connect to this card somewhat and it has caused me to examine a way of being that I have encountered in my life. Recently I have found need to stand up for myself a great deal more as an individual, to not take abuse active or passive. This has been all well and good but there is a further element that has until now escaped my attention.
     It seems that I have encountered a greater number of people who have the ability to drone on for extended periods without a break. Most of these individuals come across as somewhat harmless. But they do have the ability to bore a room or to get people to roll their eyes or glance at their watches once they begin. It is like they have an internal monologue that they feel the rest of the world needs to hear. Even their own eyes glaze over once they begin, like they have left their mouths running while their brain rummages through the meaningless thoughts and ideas they stored up in their mental filing cabinets. It just happens that one of these people is a Leo. Now I am aware of the irony of this and I may well have the same problem myself once I get going on a subject I believe I am informed about...but hopefully not to this degree.
    I do feel a little exposition is helpful in bring a point across...but there are limits. My problem with them is that they continue to speak regardless of the fact that the person(s) they are addressing have shut up shop and are waiting for the next available out.
    How does one get them to either stop or get to the point without hurting their feelings? What occurred to me was that if I do this, then how would I like to have my attention drawn to the matter? I settled on the simple line of "You're rambling" if they get out of control, or a sharper "Does this have a point?" if it has gone on for a significant length of time. Hopefully I can be aware and courageous enough to use a softer line earlier on as ideally this is how I would like to be brought back to the present. Sometimes the person does it long enough to start sapping your patience and your energy and it becomes harder and harder to make an effective escape. In these circumstances being harsher is totally justified as they can kill a conversation and occupy centre stage.
    I recognise my own absence of power in letting these situations over run me and then feeling trapped or powerless as they chunter on to the point in which they finally shut up and leave the room. It is a form of energy vampirism, just on a minor level and in many cases totally unconscious. Letting it continue is a form of cowardice in wanting to avoid possible conflict. Nobody wants to come across as a bad person and these individuals can often use it to their advantage as they are unlikely to be challenged for such a minor matter.
     This of course is the shadow side of the Queen of Wands and can be avoided with a little bit of courage and the strength to confront, after all they are just trying to help!   
   
     

2 of Cups. Soul Mates and conscious relationship.

  The Two of Cups is often regarded as the most romantic of the cards and the one (apart from the Lovers card) that most people want to see in a reading regarding relationships. The Lovers card is Major Arcana though and as a result is often speaking of the conjunction of male and female energies, which does not always signify relationship between a man and a woman (or any loving couple).  The Two of Cups however signifies partnership.
   Looking at the card you can see that the figures are sharing their cups (emotions) with each other and there is a definite connection between them both. Both figures wear white clothing beneath their more colourful attire and this symbolises a purity and innocence of motive. The woman wears a blue tabard symbolising communication and the man wears a yellow tunic and tights for the intellect. This is interesting as those traits stereo-typically match how each gender connects to a relationship. She also wears a laurel wreath for victory and he wears a circlet of roses for the heart.
    There is also a more esoteric element to the card. The symbol springing from their touch is called a caduceus. It is generally regarded as the symbol for medicine, though this is a superficial corruption of its original meaning. It symbolises the rising of kundalini energy up the spine (the central line, often called the Sushumna). The two serpentine shapes twining around the central column are the masculine and female energies or the Ida and Pingala. As a person integrates and balances their own internal masculine and feminine energies the collective energy in the central column rises to the eventual goal of enlightenment.  Typically the head of the staff is adorned with wings alone.
     In this instance it is topped with the head of a red lion. The red lion is an alchemical symbol for fire or sulphur, one of the main ingredients for turning base metals into gold. Jung felt this meant philosophical metals within the psyche rather than actual metal and I have an inclination to agree (not that I would rule out there being a material equivalent!).
     What I feel this means is that enlightenment can be found through relationship and I would possibly even go so far as to say it is impossible to find it without, even if that relationship for some is a purely internal affair.
     Interestingly I see that the point of caduceus springs forth from the touch between the pair in the card. Since the lion means enlightenment through fire (sulphur) I believe it is speaking of the chemical and elemental connection that happens between soul mates.
      This brings up the consideration of soul mates in which there are many different opinions and considerations. My understanding lies upon the line that some souls are more connected than others, whether through living together previously in past lives or simply by virtue of their individual make-ups. Some people you meet you just feel connected to...almost immediately in some cases. When two people meet who are connected in such a way connect, then there is a sacred fire between them which is a seed for powerful growth and change through the element of love.
      I believe that there are soul companions who are beings that you have travelled with through many lives, with who you might feel an immediate connection to even if it is not romantic. These can turn into romantic connections and in fact are more powerful than a relationship built only lesser attractions. Often these companions are catalysts for growth and change in our lives and open us up to ultimately connect with ourselves.
    In order to open up sufficiently to find your soul mate requires a great deal of inner work and purification. Otherwise you simply attract whichever mate is needed for your growth at that time. Let me get this straight, there is nothing wrong with this and without these mates there would be no chance to find our true partners.
   The words twin flames and soul mates are bandied about a lot without any real understanding of what it means. It is unlikely you will attract someone who is resonating at a high frequency unless you yourself are also resonating at this point. The idea that a prince charming will arrive and rescue you from your own inadequacies is very slim, unless you have set yourself on the road to serious self improvement. Simply wishing for it will not make it so, you must step out on the road to make any progress upon it.
   Many relationships can be catalysts for growth, propelling us and challenging us to move and grow with each new obstacle or adventure. This card is about finding a connection that helps us reach that new level. It is about that magical spark that ignites between two people causing them to become greater than the sum of their parts. Each person brings their own qualities and is able to share them with the other.
      Typically a relationship is a contract between two individuals based on conditional understandings between the two for their mutual security and to provide them with the energies that they themselves are unable to provide for themselves. As time progresses there is a tendency to slip into complacency and to form rigid patterns or expectations based around the other person. You stop seeing them as a vital growing being and start seeing them as a provider of things you require. Arguments begin based on these subconscious contracts and the beautiful opportunity to grow is lost, submerged under the misplaced expectations of our partners. When this happens we are no longer growing...we may be aging, but we certainly are not moving forward.
    We have all seen the sad situation of when a rigid couple breaks up and they both return to the emotional and mental age at which they decided to stop growing (usually at the point the relationship began in earnest and the magic died). If they could maintain a level of consciousness then this wouldn't occur and if they needed to be apart then it would happen organically.
     The two of cups for me only re-iterates what I know and reminds me that conscious relationship is the way forward for the human race. I only enter into conscious relationships, anything else is a waste of my time. Zoe and I have a relationship that is open to growth, to change and to allowing each of us the space we need as individual beings.
   

Page of Wands. Free spirit.

    The Page or Princess of Wands is the young element of fire, that part that is connected with the earth.
     I always see the young page as an adventurer, a globetrotter. She is stood grasping her staff, her eyes on the sky. Behind her stand the pyramids and a desert with a blue/white sky. She wears the same tones as the Earth beneath her, which links her with the earth realm. Therefore she is grounded and sensual, the fire element combining with this means that she is never dull or lacking in excitement.
     Looking at this card, one element stands out. The wand the figure carries has a very phallic shape, it is difficult not to notice it once seen. Nothing within the cards is there by chance, each element is chosen to be evocative. Rather being a crude symbol the phallus means the active driving and creative force. Since she is a page, she represents the youngest and freest element of the wands.  There is no heaviness in this card and a feeling of positivity and humour pervades. She has somewhat of a wry smile upon her face as if she is aware of the symbolism and rather than being offended she takes it lightly.
       Her garb is covered with salamanders which are transformative elements ( I discuss them further in the King of Wands). She also wears a blue hat with a feather in it. The hat itself draws the attention as it stands in strong contrast to the rest of her clothing. Blue is the colour of communication and hats are symbols of the our mental attitudes. The hat is obvious in its incongruency, it even looks a little ludicrous. In this instance I would say that this means she is unafraid to communicate what is on her mind, if it goes against one's first impressions of her and doesn't fit with the rest of her attitude.
      The page of wands is a happy traveller, creative, active but yet grounded in reality. She looks upon this odd mixture of fire and earth with a wry sense of humour. Like a traveller she doesn't get entangled emotionally, nor does she spend time over thinking a situation. She is looking for the next thing over the horizon, or happily enjoying what is right now. If she does have a fault is that she has a tendency to overlook emotions or her intellect as getting in the way of having fun. This can come across as somewhat distant as she happily flits from one enjoyable situation to another without a care for what this means for anyone else.
       Personally for me this card has brought up some questions within myself about the connection of earth and fire. They represent to me the twin forces of passion (fire) and materiality (earth) and how they function together. Zoe and I have been working on not guilting each other over various situations in our life and it has had some interesting side effects. Last night Zoe went to bed early as she had yoga to go to and usually this would mean she would ask if I was coming along too (even if I don't have to get up early). Instead of doing this she went early and fell asleep before I arrived. This meant I had some time to myself, without being concerned that I should be also going to bed.
      It brought up some feelings that usually don't appear when I am in a relationship. Removing the guilt my life and from going to bed when Zoe does, has given the space for these feelings to emerge. It is too early to speak clearly on what they are, but I feel they are linked to deeper feelings of guilt, shame and loneliness. I recognise them from when I have been single for a long time, feelings of shame and isolation..not fully connected to anything, but rising like a horrible tide. I mention them in conjunction with this card as I have an intuitive feeling that these elements are to do with sexual energy. The sexual symbolism is strong in this card and something is stirring deep in my unconscious, the mud has been disturbed and it is not yet apparent what is lurking down there. Whatever it is doesn't seem too pleasant, but digging through the muck is what inner work is all about.
     

Ace of Swords. Standing up for truth.

     All of the Aces stand at the beginning of their own suit of elements. The Ace of Swords represents the element of air, of thought and mentality. It is a new beginning an influx of primal unsullied air energy being ushered into our lives.
      The suit of swords is often given a rather unfair descriptor of being one of the more negative suits. True, it does include a greater number of cards that seem outwardly negative, but without this element things would be a whole lot worse.
     The card depicts a large glowing sword being thrust forward, held by a divine hand emerging from a cloud. Swords themselves really only have one purpose...cutting. This purpose can be applied in several different ways and it can certainly be used for harm or evil purposes. Because of the fearsome power of the sword, this makes people afraid of it. But this awesome power can also be used for good and its power rightfully then belongs in the hands of those who would use it for that.
     The crown atop the sword is an indicator of its primacy, that it is used for rulership, hanging from the crown are two branches. One is an olive branch, the other a palm leaf. These two plants signify the dual nature of the sword. The olive branch is a symbol of peace, while the palm is traditionally a symbol of the successful vanquishing of the enemies of the soul. Often this was viewed in the context of spirit vs flesh, but I feel have moved past that archaic dichotomy. It truly symbolises spirit vs the misuse of power.
       The white and purple surrounding the card are symbolic of higher energies, typically those emerging from the crown chakra. That of universal mind. It suggests that this energy is in the employ of higher service.
        The Ace of swords represents the use of the intellect in the service of the highest good, that of universal mind. Too often the good are afraid of their own power and fail to utilise their own innate strength for fear of being like those who use their strength for misguided aims. This card is the pure essence of mentality and showing that it truly belongs in the hands of the good and if they do not grasp it, they cannot prevent its misuse.
      I have realised in my own life that not being prepared to use force to defend the good allows evil to triumph. That in itself is an evil. "All that is required for evil to triumph, is that good men do nothing". There is often a great fear that by accepting power it will immediately corrupt any goodness. But only the good will hold this thought in their minds as they wield power and be on constant guard for its misuse, both within themselves and in others. That is why it must be used by those who would call themselves goodly.
     Recently I have had to use this energy to create a new space in my life. I have had to accept that being brutally honest within communication sometimes is the only way to protect goodness. I have felt deep in my gut that something is wrong and I have used my intellect to find its root and to sever it without guilt or qualms. Just as a doctor may need to apply the scalpel to a cancer, any less measure than eradication is only going to allow the cancer to flourish. There is nothing inherently evil about this, even if it is a process that seems painful and severe.
     Talking with a couple of friends last night this conversation came up. A friend talked about several guys she knew who were too "nice" to complain about their food at a restaurant. Instead they griped and moaned rather than applying their power to change anything. This passive aggressive behaviour is not really good or nice. It causes those around them to suffer their petulance and creates an air of discomfort. By not grasping the power of truth and applying it, they perpetuate an evil...albeit a very minor one in this case. Aggressively pursuing truth is not an evil. By alerting a server to the inadequacy of the meal, they are doing themselves and the restaurant a service.  This of course is a minor example, but where someone fails in a minor way, they are not going to succeed in something major. Using the excuse that they are nice to not complain is merely covering up a personal weakness. Often they are afraid of any greater confrontation and the appearance of aggression.
      Applying aggression in the cause of goodness or right is not bad, in fact it is a greater level of goodness than mere passivity. But only when it is applied for the right cause. If you are not sure it is right, then do not use this power. Trust your gut and your heart, find what is wrong. Reason it out, find the best, most efficient and compassionate way to resolve it and apply your power. It may well involve cutting through someone's ego. That person may react as though you have cut them, but if you have followed your gut, applied your instinctual knowing you can be sure it is for the good.
     Allowing someone to use their ego to diminish or make another suffer is not a good action. That person may believe they are not hurting anyone else or that they are just being themselves. But people are not their egos. They are not their bad behaviour. Cutting this away may seem painful to them, but sometimes it is necessary. We all secretly love those who can speak openly and not stand for bad behaviour. That is a power we all have, one we should all be unafraid to embody. Imagine the good that could be done if people all stood up for their truth.

XXI - The World

  The World card stands at the end of the Major Arcana, signifying great completion...a conjunction of all the elements in success.
    Where the Fool began his journey with the Magician he finishes it with the cosmic dancer in the World card. The laurel wreath, a symbol of victory is written large here forming a circle, a zero which draws one back to the start. Like all great cycles the end is only a prelude to a beginning. In this case, it is not a cycling back to the start but a step up to a new plateau.
    This card has a great deal of power behind it. The four elements are represented in the corners by their astrological fixed signs. A bull for Taurus, a human for Aquarius, an eagle for Scorpio and the Lion for Leo. These elements balance each other and form a unity.
      This card is completion, the end of a cycle, the great victory. It is preparing one for the next phase.
     When I received this card late last night I was not sure how I was going to write about it. Things did not feel very complete at all, in fact there was a lot of loose ends. What this day did do was string together a great deal of synchroncities together and end certain cycles.
    I started the day going and volunteering at the Medical centre and working on a colleague of mine who has been having treatments for her cancer. It was good for me to get out and do something positive, especially in helping someone else. During the treatment I felt a surge of new energy entering my Reiki. For possibly the first time Earth energy was beginning to enter into my healing. This energy is not the bright red of the base chakra, but an earthy brown. For me it is the integration and balance of the energies that I have been looking for. All four elements are now present in my healing and I look forward to working with this new element!
       The previous night I had done a reading for myself regarding what I should do to promote my business better. In it I was led to realise that I need to offer a free treatment to the two ladies who run the centre I operate out of. So I stopped by the store to let them know. When I arrived I got talking about my experiences in journeying that had occurred over the weekend. It just so happened that the girl I had done the journey for came in through the door as I was finishing the story. I let her know I had a message for her about the journey and she told me the information I had to pass on had already been told to her earlier in the day by another! Apparently it was only the second time she has visited the store, so it was quite unusual for me to run into her. I was about the leave the store when a lady walked in and asked if I was available to give a treatment, so I ended up staying to do a second treatment. Strangely this treatment was on the same chakra as the earlier treatment and the journey! I was also able to give clarification on an issue that was also troubling one of the ladies who run the store.
       I finally left the store to run into another friend of mine who was walking past the corner as I left. We walked together for a few blocks, before we parted ways and I ran into another friend not two blocks later. I got home at last to find out that Zoe had managed to get a cheque she was looking for, bringing relief to a financial issue we were facing. I had to go back for a meeting at the store later in the evening and as I was leaving, I ran into the same friend again in exactly the same spot, but several hours later!
       It seems that this card is showing me its powerful influence for completing cycles. I was not expecting anything of the sort today and I have only noted the most major of the synchronicities that I encountered. The addition of the fourth element to my healing practise is the final balancing factor. For me it means the end of a huge cycle in trying to bring in that element into my life and my healing work.
       In the card, the centre piece is the woman dancing. She holds two wands in her hands like batons which symbolise the connection between heaven and earth, but doubled. A purple sash swirls around her, purple being the colour of royalty and higher spirituality. She is otherwise naked, but unashamedly so. She is celebrating her freedom, balance and the successful completion of the journey. She is moving through the portal of the wreath, into another energy...a higher frequency. All the trials and tribulations find fruition in this card and we become ready to move forward to a new dimension in our lives.
     The World card is seen as the most powerful of the Major Arcana in its power to bestow real change to a sitaution. It has the four elements/directions and upper and lower symbolised by the wands. It means growth and change on ALL levels...spiritual, material, emotional and mental. They have reached their apex of power as evidenced by the fixed signs.
       I am hoping that this new influx of Earth energy spells the end of this particular cycle and the beginning of a new episode for me. Certainly as we all head into 2012 there are going to be some surprises for us!
 

Knight of Wands. Fiery crusader.

   The Knight of Wands is a spiritual crusader. His energy is vibrant and passionate and suffers no lack of zeal.
   This card has appeared with great timing for me and there are synchronicities abound within the symbolism. Over the weekend I attended  an advanced Celtic healing workshop. Within the class we journeyed several times both for ourselves and for other people within the group. Journeying is going into the inner realms to achieve a certain goal, in this case it was centred around recovering pieces of ourselves or others that had become lost or trapped. These pieces can be anywhere, sometimes they are within the middle world, the world we know but displaced in time or space. The soul pieces are parts of our psyche that fragmented due to trauma or events in our lives and become stuck at that point, unable to progress or stay with us. As shaman it is our jobs to go and seek these pieces out and bring them back. They are often emotional fragments which bring memories of ways of feeling back to us we have thought lost to us.
      There were too many journeys to relate here, but there was a journey in which I was brought back a staff of fire (which related to my ability to be brutally honest and be a more active warrior in my own life). Several took place in Egyptian style settings (either in the past or fantastical realms) which also fits with the card's background.
     Two journeys however were very pertinent to the topic of this card. The first was a journey I undertook for another. In the journey I found myself travelling to the Hopi reservation and confronting a person who had taken a piece of my partner. He didn't seem apologetic and tried to laugh it off as him just finding it, but didn't stop me retrieving the piece. When I returned to wakefulness I discussed this with my partner, she was struck by my physical description of the man and his mannerisms. She had indeed met this individual and had been through recent difficulties for which she had been forced to leave abruptly to avoid making the situation for herself worse. He had been involved in black magic and mistreatment and abuse of those who worked under him. After the journey we were both a little shaky from the experience as though it had been a physical interaction.
     I was thankful for the ability to stand up for another's rights and deal with the situation in a way I was proud of. I was able to be the spiritual crusader in this instance, even if I was informed that dealing further with this individual was not my job.
     The journey she did for me brought up several elements which have taken a while for my psyche to filter and deal with. In the journey I offered someone my heart in a town square, after which I was dismissed and rejected. My heart had turned to sand and run through my fingers. When she described it to me, it was initially difficult to understand the situation as there were several events it could pertain to, although none of them really took place that close to a town square. I put it aside to examine a little later at my leisure.
    Today after some introspection I sat down to look at my card and to understand how it fit into the scheme of things. The card itself shows a figure clad in armour astride a rearing horse. He holds his staff aloft as if it were a lance. The figure faces to the left of the card, which suggests he rides into adversity (against the usual flow). The yellow tabard he wears is covered with salamanders which are symbols of transformation and fire (see the King of Wands for a further discussion of these creatures). His armour has several flame like plumes adorning it, which are indicative of his fiery nature.
   As I regarded this character I realised that it related to the journeys I had been involved in over the weekend. Usually when you pull a court card it is a suggestion that it might be wise to embody some of the traits of the card if it doesn't directly pertain to another individual. In this case it was the former. It was advocating becoming a spiritual champion.  As I thought further about this I realised that I need to become my own champion as well as one for others.
    Many spiritual schools of thought advocate against vengeance, violence or acts of retribution. Yet this card seems to suggest that very notion. He rides forth with his club raised and he is prepared to do battle with adversity rather than passively accepting it. Common ways of thinking stand very much against the idea of the crusade or the Holy war or battle. It is often seen as an oxymoron. Yet when one looks at the pictures and hears the descriptions of angels we often find them depicted as carrying flaming swords. How can we as humans say that it is unspiritual to carry a weapon when the Arch-angels themselves do? The soft sanitised versions of angels we are bombarded with these days are corrupted interpretations of a divine force. Without them there is no divine justice, no karmic retribution and no peace. We must use the tools we have, but use them only in the application of right. The young knight in the picture runs the risk of being too zealous in his approach, but his motivations are pure and so will stop him from creating any real trouble.
    In my own journey for my partner I encountered a being clad in armour wielding a spear and a shield. She informed me that having a shield alone is not enough, that one must have an active defence against those that would seek to do harm.
    Looking then at my own fragmented soul I saw that what had been lost would not return unless it could be be promised safety and recompense for its own loss. Looking deeply at my wounded elements I began to see what they were and from where they came.
      The Town square is a place where people come together from all places and for me that place is best represented by the hostel. I worked there for many years and it was the site of my greatest sadness. A friend of mine whom I had loved dearly had spurned my friendship and turned her back on me. I realised that I had lost more than just a friend, it had also spelled the end of my belief in a benevolent universe. How could someone I cared for so deeply and offered no harm turn upon me so viciously. I lost a piece of myself that day. From that day on my universe had been plunged into a darkness so filled with ennui and hopelessness that I found it difficult to find reason to go on.
     Over the years I see glimpses what was lost occasionally. It manifests as a feeling of profound happiness that disappears as abruptly as a breeze. It is a weight that keeps me tied to the earth, stops my heart from lifting in song and ensures that ennui is never far from my door. My basic nature is one of optimism, even in spite of this weight and I have no doubt I will one day find a way to lift my spirits back to that point. I understand my mistake in trusting a person who would abuse my trust in such a fashion, yet that still doesn't help.
     This card though gave me an idea. I need to find that piece myself and make sure it is protected once more. I took it upon myself to give myself that piece of justice, to rescue those pieces back. I have no way of getting that back in the real world, no telephone number to call, no address or no email. So in journeying to find those elements is the only way it will happen. I journeyed back and was able to find the pieces, to take them back. Now comes the task of re-integrating them back into myself so I can feel them once again. For this there is no manual and I must trust to my own inner sense on how to do so. I do have the spiritual warrior to protect me from further harm and that in itself is a valuable lesson.
 
 
   

3 of Cups. Celebration of the female.

   The three of Cups has a simple design and a simple message. The three women on the card are raising their glasses in celebration. What is interesting about this card is the triplicity. In astrology if three points on a chart are 120 degrees from each other they form a triplicity or a trine. This means that there is a element of kinship, comfortableness and co-operation between the three similar facets.
    The three ladies on the card here look as though they could be sisters. Each wears a different coloured robe, but the colours function well together and there is no antagonism between those elements. The red represents passion, the white purity and innocence and the yellow clear thought.
   The number three has always had magical connotations, especially where it concerns the female element. Three witches, three sisters, three phases of the moon and the triple faced goddess. This card represents the cups or emotional element and as such the female aspect is ascendant. This doesn't mean that men are excluded, it simply means that the female aspect within us all is ascending powerfully.
    As such it represents a time of celebration. For me it is bringing an awareness of thankfulness for the women in my life, for without whom I would not be where I am today. The card represents union and support, kinship and the bond between friends. One source calls this the card of sisterhood, but I feel that doesn't quite fully touch upon this energy. As a man, I naturally am excluded from sisterhood, but that doesn't mean this card is excluding me. I would use the phrase the fraternity of man, but then I fall into the other side.
        Today I started to understand what this card means to me. I have had some recent financial woes and I have found that there has been a outpouring of support from the women in my life. Zoe is always there for me, standing beside me even when things look dark. The women at my workplace have been very understanding of my situation and offered to work with me through this time. Lilly, a recent friend of mine has offered to induct me into the deeper mysteries of the shaman despite my troubles and her own. Laura has stepped up with advice on how to move through this situation without me even asking! I can only feel deeply thankful and grateful for these and other women in my life and the support they offer.
      As a man, I have learned to soldier on through life on my own. We are taught to shoulder our burdens without complaint, to do everything oneself and that any mistakes or slips are our own faults. In this I am learning that being open the female element within oneself opens up a great power, one that many women enjoy naturally. Men do have camaraderie and brotherhood and these too are open to women also. They feel different though, more like warriors together to combine strengths than gently supportive of ones weaknesses. Often in our moments of weakness we need that support more than the gruff goading. It is a shame that more men cannot be open to this element, even within themselves and with other men and women. We all have weaknesses that need supporting and an admission of that is often a more powerful show of strength than a misguided show of bravado.
    Within the card fruits litter the floor and one can see oranges, grapes and pumpkins. I am sure everyone is aware of the symbolism of the pumpkin in relation to the story of Cinderella. It is only through the guidance of the good fairy (the higher female element) that Cinderella is able to transcend the mundane triplicity of her false sisterhood. In that instance the shadow side is apparent in which women rather than supporting each others weaknesses seek to take advantage of them.
    This card however relates to the fruits that can be gained from partaking of this trine and celebrating a common cause in which kinship is the important ideal. This itself is a cause for celebration. It is the conjuction of passion, purity and clear thought.

    Oh and if you would like to read an alternative Cinderella short story by Zoe you can find it here!
       

I want never gets, a legacy of guilt.

   I have recently been opening up the rest of my energy system to kundalini energy. I have run into a deadly trap within my own system and it has been holding me up for a long while. Thankfully with help from some of my dreams I am making headway.
    Many years ago I had my first kundalini awakening, I discuss it fully in one of my first posts here. Suffice to say that it only opened up the energy in the upper part of my torso, arms, head and neck included. The energy didn't fully flow down into my lower torso or legs especially around the root chakra. I didn't think much of it at the time as the experience was new to me to begin with. It was only much later that I discovered that the energy within me was not fully balanced.
   The problem became a little more pronounced later, causing me to suffer from a restless leg style side effect which I later discovered were kriyas. The energy was trying to equalize during the sleep cycles or during meditation and it was much too strong to happen without a lot of discomfort and pain.
   This continued for many years and I simply didn't know how to go about resolving it. Other healers were at a loss and the strong physical aspect of it only served to frighten. Recently (within the last year) I managed to discover and resolve the blockage that was causing so much disturbance with deep meditation, relaxation and giving in to the discomfort. There was also a large psychological element along with emotional affects which also needed to be worked on. The problem has not re-occurred and I can now sleep and meditate without this energy spike occurring.
     It seems as though the work on my legs and feet is not quite finished though. The legs and feet correspond to the material world and my connection to it. I still am running into numerous material issues, both financially and health wise. Financially the flow is more of a drip. Health wise, my hips, hamstrings, ankles and the soles of my feet are subject to tension and inflexibility. Both aspects seem a mirror of each other. The major blockage has been resolved, but the pathways are still blocked.
    A few nights ago I had a dream which elucidated the problem. In the dream I was trying to move down a corridor which had several branches. All along the floor were tiny holes from which arrows and needles would fire forth whenever I moved along the corridor. It made moving down the corridor at any speed both painful and difficult. There were several painted pathways on the ground in blue and red and the blue pathways seemed the easiest to traverse.
    It seemed a perfect analogy for the matter at hand. Trying to move energy (or even blood or fluids) through my legs was a painful and slow process subject to pain. The faster I attempted to stretch my legs and hips out the worse it would become. Unfortunately the rate at which it is comfortable to move is too slow and any faster movement causes pain. This, like trying to make headway in my financial life is intolerably slow and not something that can be suffered for the long term. Looking at the problem only served to cause frustration and depression as there seems to be no alternative.
   So, last night I took a walk to Walgreens (a 24hr pharmacy) ostensibly to pick up some hot chocolate and a drink for Zoe so I could give myself some space to think. As I walked through the campus late at night listening to my ipod a thought occurred to me. I believe it was Einstein that stated that "no problem can be solved at the level it was created". This serves well for any situation and I realised that I was looking at the situation all wrong.
   Rather than seeing the traps as the problem to be overcome I needed to regard the entire situation from a higher level. I have been looking at how the situation is defended and not why. My body/mind system is seeking to stop movement along the pathway, especially anything large or fast. So there is a movement of energy, but only in small chunks, or larger ones if I don't mind taking the hits. I had to consider why is this considered a threat that needs to be reduced or eliminated. 
     I knew that I could rely on my subconscious to eventually figure it out, so when I went to bed I took my notebook and a little reading light. It seems that between 1am and 3am is the best time for letting my mind hazily drift over the topics without distraction. Note: I did not think about it, I just let my mind kind of gaze at it...seeing out of the corner of my eye as it were.
    Part of me thought that it was likely to do with success, that maybe I had a fear of success. But this although fitting the scenario did not get any traction. Then I began to consider that achieving success might bring forth unwanted feelings or thoughts. I looked at my own attitude and realised that a part of me just thinks it isn't possible, that regardless of how hard I try things aren't going to work out for me. That I am just doomed to not get what I want. Now this thought rang a bell.
    Many years back when I had my first experience with kundalini I was working on a big issue for me which was finding my voice. I grew up being painfully shy and unable to express myself. In the end it all came down to what I had been reinforced with since I was a small child. It was the phrase "I want never gets". This maxim had been hammered into me as I grew up. If I said the dreaded phrase "I want" I would be berated and told that I was being VERY rude and given sour looks. Obviously I would be racked with guilt if ever such a phrase slipped out of my lips. Instead I had to phrase everything to cause minimum offense and so that my parents could feel okay with denying my wants, since they were no longer wants, but only very polite requests. All and any of my desires ran the risk of being vetoed. I had to be grateful for whatever I got, even if it wasn't what I wanted.
      Now this all where it began to make sense to me. The protective system is in place to save me from actually getting what I want and therefore doing something shameful and bad. I have worked through my issues enough to be able to express those wants and desires, but as for actually getting them? This idea of "I want never gets" has been so deeply inculcated that it literally stops it from occurring. For me it is a deep universal truth and while I may be able to deny its truth on a mental and verbal level, physically and emotionally it is still just as true as when I was 5 years old. My body literally battles against my mind and tries to protect me from shame and guilt. It leaves me with a legacy of never being fulfilled as it would be asking too much from my poor beleaguered parents. A ridiculous and outdated program in my own psyche.
     The key in this is turning those guardian forces around and to have them working for me rather than against me. They no longer need to protect me from guilt and shame, which are always seen as omnipresent threats for undesirable behaviour. Then I could stop projecting these parental figures onto any beings/organisations etc that might hold my well-being in their hands be it people, bosses or even the universe itself! I can say I want and not expect punishment.
    For my full understanding I must look at the reverse side of why someone would say that in the first place. From my own understanding it is from that person's poverty mindset. I feel that reasonable requests and desires are never really outside of the realm of possibility. A parent often feels that they have to provide everything for the child, but this is a fallacy of limited thinking. The parent is only the vessel of transmission from the universe to the child. If the parent believes that their own desires are not being fulfilled by the cosmos, then they are likely to pass on that mindset to the child, even if this is not actually true. My desires as a child were well within the bounds of possibility, often a new toy I really wanted or the gift of time and attention from a parent. My parents had been living in a scarcity mindset and they felt those things were not even achievable. This was not actually true and the few things I really needed would never have broken the bank. If they had taken the time to look at the needs of a family, they may have realised that their lives were out of alignment and found new and more fulfilling ways of living. They each made their choices and placed the burden of guilt upon me as a child for not being a party to their conspiracy of poverty. My desires were punished with guilt and had to be quieted or smothered for the benefit of not upsetting the status quo. If this legacy were theirs alone then this would be a different matter, but I now must spend my time digging up the bones of the past so I can be free of their influence.
     Seeing this, I can now be free of the guilt and shame that I have felt towards myself and start to really consider what to do from hereon out. It was never my guilt and shame, but that of my parents.
     Knowing this I can re-purpose those defenses to protect from further assaults designed to make me feel the  guilt or shame of another. When I feel a desire arise I can then process it and defend it from those who would seek to make me feel ashamed of natural wants and desires. Guilt is a feeling that arises from within and we do not have to accept it from an outside source, so now I can move forward without having to figure out when to defend against being guilted when I don't feel that way.