Elemental

   The town has recently been deluged by rainstorms and assaulted by lightning. Every day we have a torrential downpour, followed by a bombastic lightning show. All this lightning has gotten me thinking about my own process.
  For a while when I was travelling there was a period when I felt almost elemental. That I was an embodiment of each and any of the elements, that I could feel at one with the wind and the rain. That I could use my inner fire to illuminate situations and feel steadied by the earth. My healing work reflected that and I used the elements to clean and remove any obstructions, both within my own psyche and when working on others. This dance continued throughout my travels until I returned home and the lethargy of life overtook me once more and I could no longer react to situations in such a primal way.
   I have slowly begun to uncover this feeling and I am recognising that I can integrate this feeling into my life. I now have the energy and motivation to keep that connection alive. Today I took a walk, primarily to get a hair cut, but also to stay connected to the moment..although moment seems too short and too immediate to describe it fully. I wanted to be connected, not just in the moment when I recalled it, but as a constant. Like a conduit or a lightning rod, connected to both heaven and earth.
   I ended up at a bookstore and found several books I felt inspired to pick up. The Hero's journey through the Tarot, Anam Cara and Darkness Visible (links at the bottom). As I realised I felt inspired to read them all, the old feelings of worry and poverty arose in me like a spectre chiding me about how much they would cost. I spent a moment or two being paralysed in the aisle, books in hand before deciding that I should follow my inspiration and not my worries. This is new for me as normally I would dither and likely choose which of the books was more important and what I could afford and it is entirely possible that I would leave the store without any of them congratulating myself on my restraint.
   Then a second unusual thing happened to me, I had spotted a friend taking a drink in the bookshop cafe. Now usually I would see if they spotted me and if they did I would go over, otherwise I would leave without them noticing. This isn't through any anti-social sentiments I hold, but rather a hold over from the pattern in which I try and follow the rules of energy conservation within myself... Keep to the rails and don't lean over the edge. Instead I walked over and asked if I could take a seat.
    She was happy to see me and we began to talk and I realised what I have been missing my keeping to the well trodden routes in my life. I have always prided myself on taking the route less travelled, but I am beginning to realise that it has never been a daily habit for me. It has always been easier to take holidays and trips to the destinations off the beaten track, granted I may have spent months and in some cases years there, but in the end I always return to the regular groove. Now I am beginning to see that there is a strong possibility that I can make this a way of life..to remain an elemental being, rather than connect occasionally when the stars align so to speak.
     As we talked we had a lot to share, mostly common experiences and I felt that it was really great that we had that opportunity. We talked about the poverty mindset and our experiences with it. I was also struck with another migraine aura, but without the migraine (See my blog entry Kundalini Surges for more info). I have begun to notice this when I am making energetic shifts and since I have not been spending so much time in front of a screen I am able to now discount this as the cause. It had always niggled me that it may simply be caused by looking at a luminous screen for too long. I still have a strong tendency to look for mundane causes to seemingly spiritual situations, so I am always somewhat grateful when those causes are slowly removed as a possibility.
   Later in the evening Zoe returned home after a Bikram Yoga class and both her and R, her friend wanted to go for a meal. I was asked if I wished to join them and I agreed, although the spectre of poverty and worry began moaning and rattling his chains. As I pondered this annoying spectre I made a realisation, I have not been fully stepping away from this rather inconvenient energetic remnant. Every time he arises, I try and hold him at bay, but as we walked back from the restaurant R kept making references to money, travel and spending. Each time she did the spectre would moan a little louder, saying you don't have the money to do those things and generally trying to make me feel crappy. I found that I could step aside from it and just let it occur and pass through me, without engaging with him. Rather than fearing his appearance I am realising that every time he shakes his chains and moans, it is a signal for me to let that energy pass through me, rather than trying to "cope" with him.
     Previously it would feel as if I was saying "Sssshhhhh" and trying to get him to be quiet, that I was acknowledging his presence and getting more and more frustrated. Then afterwards I would try and discuss it, but in doing to I was still involved with his dynamic by voicing my worries.
   I had previously worked with the energy of self loathing, when uncovering my motivational energies. This had been a lot easier as it had been buried from a much earlier time, before my ego was fully formed. I think it helps that I am a Leo and the idea of self loathing now seems such a foreign concept as to be very easy to step aside from it and not give it any traction. This has helped me see that this same practice needs to be followed through with my financial negativity. All of a sudden rather than trying to dissuade Zoe or myself from making purchases, it is fun to see the spectre arise and watch him rattle his chains. Soon enough he is going to tire of trying to scare me and we might be able to sit down and have a good conversation...