Queen of Cups. Pandora's box and emotions.

   When I first drew this card I felt relatively nonplussed by this card and unconnected to the figure or the symbolism of the card. After a day of introspection on the card its meaning for me became very clear and actually held the key to a problem I have struggled with for some time. Before I get into the depth of my own personal interaction I want to take you through the general meaning and symbolism of the card.
        The Queen of Cups is the embodiment of watery emotion, connected to the astrological water signs Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. She sits upon her stone throne with a sea view, yet her gaze is fastened upon the strange chalice she bears in her hands. All the court cards in the suit of cups creep closer and closer to the water, until the King of Cups sits above it. Here the Queen sits at the waters edge, the tide lapping at her feet.
        Coloured stones lay at her feet in subdued reds, greens and blues. The throne she sits on is decorated with motifs of watery looking merfolk. The one above her head gazes upon her with an angry look on his face, the one behind her appears disinterested and the one on the side appears happy with his catch. These tiny elementals show the fickle temperament of the water signs, happy, then sad, then angry. All the water signs are at the mercy of their inner ocean, their emotions moving like the tides and never still. Even the solid looking throne is sat at the edge of the sea, ready to be submerged should the tides rise. The cliffs behind her, solid as they are, can still be eroded by the constant movement of the water.
         The Queen herself wears an ornate crown, which seems to match the even more ornate cup she holds. She wears a plain white dress with simple stitching up the side and a cloak with a water like pattern on the side. There is a level of innocence and purity about the Queen, as if she was not meant for all the harshness of the world and her clothing represents that watery nature in its pastel hues. There is a pale violet clasp at her throat which shows that there is a connection to a deeply intuitive knowing to which she is able to give voice.
      Of most interest is the expression upon her face, which appears to encapsulate sadness, disappointment, wonder and longing as she looks upon the cup. The cup itself appears of a fearsome design and what at first can be mistaken to be sharp talons, actually appear to be angels on closer inspection. This I feel represents the apparently cruelty and fickleness of the ocean and the incisive intuitive nature of the water signs (Scorpio....I am looking at you in particular) which can be either healing or damaging. The Queen ponders this golden contraption in her hand as if it may contain either the answers to all secrets or cruel horrors to be unleashed upon the world, or like Pandora's box...both.
     For me the Chalice is what draws my eye most in this card. It represents the secret, the unknown mystery of the emotionally complex woman. For all her apparent innocence, she holds in her hands a great key, that of  emotional insight. This emotional insight can be a terrible thing to unleash, or a beautiful gift and the Queen has the unenviable task of trying to figure this out before delving into her own depths and opening her feelings up to the world.
     We spent the day at a lake walking along the waters edge and finding clams, crawdad scraps and fishing lures. It seemed a good place to contemplate the Queen of Cups and it really felt as though we were walking along a beachfront, albeit a cold windy one. This strange synchronicity is just one of the many I am encountering on a daily basis as I explore the tarot and my own understandings of the cards.
      This card for me, has opened it's own Pandora's box and I wish to share some emotional events from my own past. When I look upon the card, it reminds me of my own mother, who happens to be Cancerian and prone to their very sensitive but emotional natures. Typically a Cancer is particularly driven by their emotional mood swings and becomes more overwhelmed by them than arguably any other sign. My mother embodies all the elements of this card, she is very sensitive and intuitive, kind, compassionate and loving. She is capable of feeling all emotions fully and deeply and anyone around her cannot help but feel them through her.
    When I was relatively young, my parents (both Cancerians) went through a particularly difficult financial period that lasted late into my teenage years. They did their best to shield us from seeing the worst of it and always made sure the home was a comfortable place to be and that we lacked nothing of creature comforts.
    Yet, there was one thing they could not shield me from which was their own disappointment in how things had turned out for them. The sadness and disappointment in the air was always tangible as it is around a Cancerian. For a young Leo, searching for encouragement and attention I felt living in this cloud of disappointment was very difficult for me and I internalised a great deal of it. I grew to feel that it was me they were disappointed in, for what young child can differentiate between what they feel and what their parents are feeling? For me seeing my own mother in a place of suffering that I could do nothing about gave me a deep sense of powerlessness.
   This carried across for me, for as soon as I was able I started to fulfill that disappointment myself. My grades soon dropped below average and I felt a constant disappointment to both my teachers and my parents. I can recall the disappointed looks on the faces of my teachers and parents when I arrived at parent's evenings when they would ask why I was not performing as well as someone of my intelligence was obviously capable of.
    I now realise that this sense of failure and disappointing others comes really only from my own ill-conceived  perceptions as a child. I know my parents are proud of me and spoken to me of such feelings and that what I picked up was simply their quite understandable feelings at the time. With this realisation comes a sense of liberation from this and the knowledge that I am capable and do not need to let myself or anyone else down. Not that I consciously did this, but this underlying belief is strong enough to cause problems with confidence in anyone.
   I am choosing to let go of the old belief that I am a disappointment and embrace the knowledge that I am capable and competent and that there are people in my life who are proud to know me.