It has been almost a year since my last posting here. The previous year has been one of difficulty and hard work. I have had several jobs in the interim, some better than others, but all of them a trial. My free time has been absorbed and I have become like one of those poor male stereotypes that spend all their time in the office at the expense of the rest of their lives. Regardless, this period is coming to a close. All my hard work is going to pay off in that I am about to take a full time massage course in the near future. I have applied for a loan (unsuccessfully) and several scholarships with the idea that they will ease my progress through this next phase. I am also looking into taking up a part time job to help with the schooling and basics. Regardless there is still a feeling of dissatisfaction with my current situation, that something is not quite correct. From this I had a dream last night, which had some interesting symbolism. I thought this would be a good jumping off point for getting back into the mindset of writing and washing away the psychic crud that has accumulated from my hectic work life.
The dream was set in the medieval courtyard of a castle. I was learning to fence, to fight with a sword and my partner stood opposite from me. A teacher of some type, an amalgam of my mentor at work and other elements instructed me on the fine points of swordsmanship. I wasn't proving the best of pupils as I didn't feel particularly enthused about the whole thing and wasn't really interested in the threat of war that proved the backdrop for the dream. At one point, he showed me how slow I was by bringing his blade to the side of my neck. I for some reason was carrying a hunk of wood and it was too heavy and cumbersome to stop the swing with, although it did remind me upon waking of the shield of Thorin Oakenshield from the Hobbit (In the movie the dwarven prince used a chunk of oak to block a blow from an orcish menace, thus earning his name and the respect of his peers).
At first I could see no connection and could not understand what was bring communicated. The first element of the dream seemed concerned with my work and my lack of real interest in what I was trying to learn. Which is true, I feel no connection to my job and am un-interested in the greater picture it represents. The oaken branch runs along with a lot of kingly symbolism I have been seeing over the last few months in my dreams.
The second part of the dream struck home for me when I recognised that it wasn't me in the dream trying to earn money for his family and lifestyle. That I wasn't myself seemed relevant and important. The fine robe Jamal had seemed to speak of a royal connection or some position of standing and I couldn't understand why he was hoping to steal pennies from guardsmen. I didn't see why he didn't just become what the robe seemed to indicate he was. The robe was richly coloured and embroidered with what one would expect from either a fine African prince's garments or a Japanese silk robe designed for royalty.
The dream seemed to be communicating that I wasn't acting in accord with who I really am, that I was doing things that were not reflective of myself. Not only are they unlikely to bring enough to support myself or my family, but they are beneath my standing....if I could only accept it of course.
When I awoke I returned to the dream state to see if I could wear the robe in a more conscious fashion. I found that letting go of the idea of who I thought I was, was more difficult than I realised at first. The garb of the rogue and cutpurse, represented a certain way of living I had learned to adopt. Do I deserve to walk as a prince? The idea of that was scarier than I would have imagined and I had to strip away the leathers I wore as a thief before wearing the robe seemed right. When I put it on in the dream state I could feel my body responding and found myself relaxing to a much deeper state and felt blood flowing through my legs into areas that have been tense for a long while.
Accepting who I am and not what has allowed me to survive is a task I hope I am up to. It is a terrifying prospect and one I hope to be able to hold onto. For the first time I can see that the job I am currently doing is not right for who I am and is not the right way for me to go, it is just where I am now. I shall not judge myself for not being able to feel it, because I would not have been able to see a better way to go until this point.
P.S. The Hobbit is awesome! Go see it or read it!
