California Dreaming

 So, it's been a while. The short story is I moved out west after hoping to secure a great job after a great interview. Truth is, it's been 6 months and I am still on the hook waiting to find out it I got it or not. In the meanwhile I took a job to pay the bills, a job I had to walk out of today. It didn't end well, but I am glad I stood up for myself and my health.
   In other news, I took a break from the healing work. It was getting to the point in which I was getting no pleasure from it and was giving too much. Not sure where I stand with things and with the Tower card showing up in a couple of readings it looks like a time of dissolution is here. It may have just been a signifier for the end of the job, but it could portend bigger things as things are looking kind of dicey here.
   Nevertheless I am here and intend to make a stand for myself. I am considering starting up writing on the blog here a little more, maybe crank out a few more card descriptions. It's late and I don't have direction for my talking other than life, so I will get back to this all soon.
   In the meanwhile...goodnight.

New Paradigm

 So, it's been a while...
    But I have been busy!
   I successfully graduated massage school late last year and have signed a contract for a new space in town. So, I'll be practicing in a professional setting and building a business for myself.
   You can check it out by going to my services page or going to this address:
   www.NewParadigmTherapy.com

   I hope to get back to writing my blog more fully soon!

Dreamcoat of many colours

   

    

It has been almost a year since my last posting here. The previous year has been one of difficulty and hard work. I have had several jobs in the interim, some better than others, but all of them a trial. My free time has been absorbed and I have become like one of those poor male stereotypes that spend all their time in the office at the expense of the rest of their lives. Regardless, this period is coming to a close. All my hard work is going to pay off in that I am about to take a full time massage course in the near future. I have applied for a loan (unsuccessfully) and several scholarships with the idea that they will ease my progress through this next phase. I am also looking into taking up a part time job to help with the schooling and basics. Regardless there is still a feeling of dissatisfaction with my current situation, that something is not quite correct. From this I had a dream last night, which had some interesting symbolism. I thought this would be a good jumping off point for getting back into the mindset of writing and washing away the psychic crud that has accumulated from my hectic work life.

     The dream was set in the medieval courtyard of a castle. I was learning to fence, to fight with a sword and my partner stood opposite from me. A teacher of some type, an amalgam of my mentor at work and other elements instructed me on the fine points of swordsmanship. I wasn't proving the best of pupils as I didn't feel particularly enthused about the whole thing and wasn't really interested in the threat of war that proved the backdrop for the dream. At one point, he showed me how slow I was by bringing his blade to the side of my neck. I for some reason was carrying a hunk of wood and it was too heavy and cumbersome to stop the swing with, although it did remind me upon waking of the shield of Thorin Oakenshield from the Hobbit (In the movie the dwarven prince used a chunk of oak to block a blow from an orcish menace, thus earning his name and the respect of his peers).

      At first I could see no connection and could not understand what was bring communicated. The first element of the dream seemed concerned with my work and my lack of real interest in what I was trying to learn. Which is true, I feel no connection to my job and am un-interested in the greater picture it represents. The oaken branch runs along with a lot of kingly symbolism I have been seeing over the last few months in my dreams.

      The second part of the dream struck home for me when I recognised that it wasn't me in the dream trying to earn money for his family and lifestyle. That I wasn't myself seemed relevant and important. The fine robe Jamal had seemed to speak of a royal connection or some position of standing and I couldn't understand why he was hoping to steal pennies from guardsmen. I didn't see why he didn't just become what the robe seemed to indicate he was. The robe was richly coloured and embroidered with what one would expect from either a fine African prince's garments or a Japanese silk robe designed for royalty. 

    The dream seemed to be communicating that I wasn't acting in accord with who I really am, that I was doing things that were not reflective of myself. Not only are they unlikely to bring enough to support myself or my family, but they are beneath my standing....if I could only accept it of course.

    When I awoke I returned to the dream state to see if I could wear the robe in a more conscious fashion. I found that letting go of the idea of who I thought I was, was more difficult than I realised at first. The garb of the rogue and cutpurse, represented a certain way of living I had learned to adopt. Do I deserve to walk as a prince? The idea of that was scarier than I would have imagined and I had to strip away the leathers I wore as a thief before wearing the robe seemed right. When I put it on in the dream state I could feel my body responding and found myself relaxing to a much deeper state and felt blood flowing through my legs into areas that have been tense for a long while.

      Accepting who I am and not what has allowed me to survive is a task I hope I am up to. It is a terrifying prospect and one I hope to be able to hold onto. For the first time I can see that the job I am currently doing is not right for who I am and is not the right way for me to go, it is just where I am now. I shall not judge myself for not being able to feel it, because I would not have been able to see a better way to go until this point.

P.S. The Hobbit is awesome! Go see it or read it! 

King of Pentacles. Manifestation, fire and earth.

   The King of Pentacles is a strong earthy presence. His aspect is that of earth and fire. This card has had a lot to teach me, it has been sat on my desk here for a couple of days while I have come to understand some of what he has to bring.
    More than 5 years ago now I spent time with a gentleman name Craig Junjulas. He ran classes down in Sedona (as still does as far as I am aware) and I had the pleasure of having several private sessions with him in which he offered insights and helped me open further up in my own practise. At one point in a meditation we were doing he commented that I was like a King in armour sat upon a throne whose armour was covered in vines and roots and had become rusted and inflexible. That I occasionally would stir and break the bindings that had grown up around me, before settling down once more. The imagery stuck with me as it was a very apt description of myself. Upon drawing this card I am reminded again of that peculiar analogy.
   The King sits in a garden that has become overgrown and rampant. Branches, frond and leaves all creep up around the dark stone throne he sits upon. Rather than appearing dormant he looks very much aware, even if with his rich gown he appears to disappear into the background. His robes are covered in blue vines, somewhat reminiscent of veins or arteries. Each of these pathways leads to a bunch of succulent grapes a potent symbol of the fruits of life, abundance and the enjoyable things we can partake in.
      Looking upon the card and seeing such abundant life, growing free and wild I was struck how in control of it all he seems. He is absolutely secure in his place, almost rooted to his throne. His roots run deep and hold him fast to his base. His sceptre and the pentacle in his grasp show his grasp of the earth plane. He is a master manifestor, able to bring his desires into fruition.
     His card is the marriage of earth and fire, of bringing the spiritual fire down to the earth plane and creating what he wants. His robes are a riot of colour and pattern of fecund growth. Behind him stands the city walls and towers and minarets of red and blue. The red being a symbol of passion and the blue symbolising communication and transmission of energy. Beneath his robe hides a suit of armour that can be glimpsed on his left leg which rests upon a stone shape resembling the head of a bull or a dragon. He is ready and capable of defending his ground and self assured in his mastery of his element. The placement of his foot on the stone object asserts his absolute dominance.
   Another strong symbol that appears strongly in this card is the bull. Being closely linked to Taurus this card is about a figure who is stable (note the four bull's heads, four being a number of stability). Obviously there is a tendency for this type of individual to be strong willed to the point of bull-headedness and implacable once set into motion. He is not without creativity, but it often applied in a practical manner, his fire applied to earth creates physical objects. Just think of all the objects that need to be smelted or subjected to heat to create their final hardened form.
    For me there is a far greater meaning behind this card. It means applying one's fire or spirituality in a very practical manner. Many spiritual endeavours end up drifting around in the ether, never really finding completion. I have known Taurean artists capable of producing a prodigious amount of artwork, by just seem to be able to sit down and produce piece after piece of artwork. They take great pleasure in creating things of beauty, even to the point of  shutting the rest of the world out. My problem has been there has been so little earth in my chart that the flood of ideas and creativity that runs through me tends to burn away in spiritual or mental matters without ever touching the earth.  Even when I am inspired to create art it is in between all the mental and spiritual things I have going on. I don't know if I will ever be a prodigious producer of art, or even of earthly creations.
    What I have realised though is that this attitude would be most beneficial for me to adopt and to apply in my own life. This occurred very recently for me as I was performing a treatment for a client. He has been coming for several weeks and has had some very beneficial results. He was very complimentary about my work and telling me about all that was going on. Part of me felt jealous of this. How does this guy get to change things so fast? But I realised the ludicrousness of the situation. It was through my work that he was making this progress and I just haven't done that for myself on a practical level for a long while. The king is challenging me to apply my own energy in a practical fashion in my own energy system. So very often I get caught up in the theoretical aspect and ephemeral nature of understanding healing that I never actually get around to fully applying that process to myself. Of course when a client comes through the door I am down to business and apply the energy in a very practical way. I don't spend hours umming and ahhing about what the problem could be or ways to possibly fix it. I know I have a limited amount of time and that is best spent pouring energy directly into the situation on a practical level. After that is done then there is time to talk, but not before the work is done. Somehow I have failed to apply this in my own life.
    With this understanding I can really start to understand there may be something to applying a level of practicality to my own life. The King of Pentacles is nothing if not a practical man, what I have failed to apply in my own life is the time to sit down and actually do the work. To not spend so much time thinking it over, but to simply get it done. I made the mistake of thinking that because my energy exists within my own system then it is working on those parts that need work, but in reality those parts need dedicated attention. I need to put the time into them, not for them to only get the energy residue that occurs when I perform healings for others.
    Part of the problem has been I have viewed the magnitude of some of the issues as insurmountable, while if a client came to me I wouldn't spend time considering this, I would simply do it. Of course I do believe that getting to the point of being able to work directly on myself has not always been available. When I first began my healing work, I could only really pick up on the issues of other, much the same thing happened with readings. For others the readings and healings work great...for myself...not so great. Most people begin with this blockage I feel, they are simply not able to get the level of distance from their own issues to work objectively on them. This was certainly true for me! But as time passed I found that I was able to see some of the problems, but was not able to work on them effectively in the same way that a doctor cannot perform his own surgeries. This caused a great deal of frustration as I had trouble finding people open and aware enough to actually see the problem, let alone work on it..even with my prompting.
    Getting to the point where I can actually perceive and then work on a problem is a new thing for me, so I guess I should go easy on myself. For that I have the King of Pentacles to thank, for without him I don't think I would have tried to do it once again!

4 of Swords. Rest and relaxation.

 The 4 of Swords is a card that I felt somewhat ambivalent about drawing. On the one hand it meant that rest was in order, while on the other hand I felt it meant it was unlikely to yield any great revelations. I feel I may have underestimated this card as I served only to prove me wrong!
    On the card we see a figure reclining on what appears to be a sarcophagus. It looks like he is no more than a decoration adorning the lid. His armour and sword suggest he may well have been a warrior in life. His hands are together in the universal symbol of prayer and a peaceful look is on his face. The sarcophagus is golden and contrasts strongly with the purple walls behind him. It seems the warrior has finally found peace and it is in death.
    It was Edgar Allan Poe who called sleep those little slices of death. He apparently loathed sleep and this is an outlook that is mirrored by a great deal of people. Rest and relaxation are looked upon with some form of disdain, as if they somehow steal part of our lives or allow it to fritter away in laziness. Our society deems rest and relaxation as being in many ways a necessary evil, that if we could do away with death, then sleep would become the next great enemy. Oh...that we could live our lives in constant business and industry. I for one do not follow such an ideal. Life without it's contrasts would be a terrible place.
      The figure on the battle is resting after a life of battling. So when I drew this card I decided that I should allow myself to rest, at least for the weekend. I put down all that I was working on, both internally and externally and allowed myself to rest...or at least I tried to. While my weekend was somewhat busy, it was pure relaxation, spending time playing games with friends and just generally taking it easy. I decided to relax my ban on games playing for that period since it was an in the interests of writing a piece on relaxation. I found myself feeling as if I was being lazy and unproductive..as if there should be someway to make my rest time more valuable. In the end I started to see the virtue of uninterrupted rest.
      On the wall at the back of the card hang three swords along with a stained glass window depicting a scene. The swords represent a rest from constant mental movement and the purple backdrop suggests a spiritual grounding for them, that there is a time to hang up your sword and simply rest. The stained glass window is somewhat confusing and it is a little difficult to work out what it is showing with any great clarity.  What I see when I gaze softly upon it is a saintly figure on the left giving something to a kneeling figure on the right. In the background of the window is a church or cathedral. It strikes me as being a holy sacrament of some type, that this period of solace and rest are requisite to receiving grace.
    The urge to fill one's time with productive tasks is a common one, but life has two sides and regardless of how we struggle at least one third of it will be spent resting in sleep. It would then seem that in order to fully balance our lives there should also be a period of time in which we also rest and relax during our waking cycle. This opens us to the idea that this would be wasteful, but in truth rest is necessary. After every in breath there is an out breath. After each movement there is a pause, stillness balances movement.
    It is only when we slow down and take stock, when we let our eyes adjust to the darkness do we see details we missed while we moved and acted. Like a camera on long exposure our consciousnesses can pick up background details, see details that are not visible to the cones in our eyes. Like the dark sensitive rods our consciousness needs a period of inactivity to become active. It is only when we close the gates of our minds and quiet the chatterings of our inner voices that we are truly ready to receive.
   What I discovered in the quietness was that in order to receive inspiration one must be willing to rest and receive. That not all down time is displacement. That sometimes playing games, switching off our minds and relaxing allows our subconscious to go to work on the area in our lives that our conscious working brains would never be able to grasp. That there is a difference between busy work and actual work, that there is a difference between avoidance and true relaxation. Ideally we can perform our work diligently then relax and enjoy our lives in an equally responsible manner.
    I personally discovered that being unconscious is not the enemy, it is the counterpart to consciousness. Without one another they cannot function.  Only by fully resting and relaxing can we be truly awake.

4 of Cups. Dissatisfaction and false expectation.

   Pulling this card I wondered how my day would turn out. So far each card I have pulled has affected my day in some form or another, so drawing this card I have been concerned as to what may transpire.
   The four of cups is about boredom, dissatisfaction and feeling like your expectations are not being fulfilled. The figure in the card is sat cross legged under a tree, his arms are also folded across his chest indicative of a defensive and closed off posture. His gaze is firmly fixed on the three cups arrayed before him and his expression leads you to believe is not happy  with his three cups and he probably won't be happy with four either.
     Surprisingly the rest of the card is not all that glum. The grass is green, the sky is blue and there is no immediate threat or danger he is having to face other than his own petulance.
     Today I was in danger of feeling the same way, but since the card had primed me I was kind of prepared. I was to spend the day at the healing centre waiting for new clients to come in, or just be around should anybody wish to have a treatment. I usually go in and be there so that if someone has questions I am there at set hours during the week.  I had a call from a lady half way through the day who wished to come in to see me. Knowing this card was in the offing I didn't set any expectations so as not to be disappointed. It turns out she wanted to talk and share her experiences in Northern Italy and meet all of us at the centre. We talked for a while and she shared her experiences, then she left taking several of my cards with her. It was a pleasant way to spend the remainder of the day there and I had plenty of chance to talk with R and H who were also at the centre. I realised that it is very easy to become disappointed if you have expectations about certain things occurring in a way you would like them to be.
    We all have expectations, it is hard not to. We all want things for our lives and it is difficult to not get caught up when it looks like those things are getting closer or moving away. I find myself getting attached to outcomes that are not certain...counting my chickens before they have hatched. Yet this only ever seems to lead to disappointment and those expectations being let down. Worse than that, like the figure in the card, we can miss the gifts that are right there in front of us.
    It is only the attitude of the figure in this card that makes this a card of dissatisfaction. If he were smiling or happy to be where he was, then this could easily be a more positive card. The minor arcana are all about energies and once we understand this we are not beholden to them, or so we do not act in a manner that will make the situation worse.
   In the card a fluffy white cloud brings another cup to the disconsolate figure under the tree. So dejected is he, that he is not even aware of this divine gift that is being presented to him. He is danger of missing out on getting more, because of his maudlin attitude.
    Because I became aware of the energy dynamic as it was occurring I was able to turn the situation into a positive one. I enjoyed spending time at the centre sharing stories and listening to R and H and when the lady arrived later in the day I was receptive to the information she had to share, rather than being expectant that it may be a possible client. My expectations could have been my downfall. I wonder how many times we miss divine gifts because we are busy being glum or caught up in our own little dramas.
 

XXI - The World

  The World card stands at the end of the Major Arcana, signifying great completion...a conjunction of all the elements in success.
    Where the Fool began his journey with the Magician he finishes it with the cosmic dancer in the World card. The laurel wreath, a symbol of victory is written large here forming a circle, a zero which draws one back to the start. Like all great cycles the end is only a prelude to a beginning. In this case, it is not a cycling back to the start but a step up to a new plateau.
    This card has a great deal of power behind it. The four elements are represented in the corners by their astrological fixed signs. A bull for Taurus, a human for Aquarius, an eagle for Scorpio and the Lion for Leo. These elements balance each other and form a unity.
      This card is completion, the end of a cycle, the great victory. It is preparing one for the next phase.
     When I received this card late last night I was not sure how I was going to write about it. Things did not feel very complete at all, in fact there was a lot of loose ends. What this day did do was string together a great deal of synchroncities together and end certain cycles.
    I started the day going and volunteering at the Medical centre and working on a colleague of mine who has been having treatments for her cancer. It was good for me to get out and do something positive, especially in helping someone else. During the treatment I felt a surge of new energy entering my Reiki. For possibly the first time Earth energy was beginning to enter into my healing. This energy is not the bright red of the base chakra, but an earthy brown. For me it is the integration and balance of the energies that I have been looking for. All four elements are now present in my healing and I look forward to working with this new element!
       The previous night I had done a reading for myself regarding what I should do to promote my business better. In it I was led to realise that I need to offer a free treatment to the two ladies who run the centre I operate out of. So I stopped by the store to let them know. When I arrived I got talking about my experiences in journeying that had occurred over the weekend. It just so happened that the girl I had done the journey for came in through the door as I was finishing the story. I let her know I had a message for her about the journey and she told me the information I had to pass on had already been told to her earlier in the day by another! Apparently it was only the second time she has visited the store, so it was quite unusual for me to run into her. I was about the leave the store when a lady walked in and asked if I was available to give a treatment, so I ended up staying to do a second treatment. Strangely this treatment was on the same chakra as the earlier treatment and the journey! I was also able to give clarification on an issue that was also troubling one of the ladies who run the store.
       I finally left the store to run into another friend of mine who was walking past the corner as I left. We walked together for a few blocks, before we parted ways and I ran into another friend not two blocks later. I got home at last to find out that Zoe had managed to get a cheque she was looking for, bringing relief to a financial issue we were facing. I had to go back for a meeting at the store later in the evening and as I was leaving, I ran into the same friend again in exactly the same spot, but several hours later!
       It seems that this card is showing me its powerful influence for completing cycles. I was not expecting anything of the sort today and I have only noted the most major of the synchronicities that I encountered. The addition of the fourth element to my healing practise is the final balancing factor. For me it means the end of a huge cycle in trying to bring in that element into my life and my healing work.
       In the card, the centre piece is the woman dancing. She holds two wands in her hands like batons which symbolise the connection between heaven and earth, but doubled. A purple sash swirls around her, purple being the colour of royalty and higher spirituality. She is otherwise naked, but unashamedly so. She is celebrating her freedom, balance and the successful completion of the journey. She is moving through the portal of the wreath, into another energy...a higher frequency. All the trials and tribulations find fruition in this card and we become ready to move forward to a new dimension in our lives.
     The World card is seen as the most powerful of the Major Arcana in its power to bestow real change to a sitaution. It has the four elements/directions and upper and lower symbolised by the wands. It means growth and change on ALL levels...spiritual, material, emotional and mental. They have reached their apex of power as evidenced by the fixed signs.
       I am hoping that this new influx of Earth energy spells the end of this particular cycle and the beginning of a new episode for me. Certainly as we all head into 2012 there are going to be some surprises for us!
 

2 of Swords. Denial and innocence.

 The two of swords is all about denial. Most of the time this denial is not something we are consciously engaging in, but it there never-the-less.
   It is tough to be in denial. I think I am in denial about my current situation and this makes this card all the more pertinent. The two swords represent the two choices presented before us, usually in an either/or scenario. Both of these options are unenviable. For me it relates to a job situation that is currently occurring. It snowed last night and all today, and for a guy with a snow shoveling job it should be busy, busy, busy. But my phone remained remarkable silent regardless of my going to bed at 10am and preparing myself to rise at 5am.
    Now I am in the unenviable position of trying to decide how to respond. After the debacle on Friday with the job (he called at 5am with no prompting and was a jackass when I called him back) I have to decide if not being called on a severe weather warning day is a brush off or that he simply had no business (which seems very unlikely). My gut tells me he is trying to "punish" me for not being available for his call and is therefore getting off on a power trip.
   This is where the denial comes in. Denial would at first glance seem to serve me well. Just wait a while... maybe I am not seeing the situation right... The money would be very helpful right now... Maybe I really don't want to work and this is a convenient excuse to be as lazy as I have been accused of in the past...I should really give him the benefit of the doubt...
   The figure is dressed totally in white, even down to the blindfold. White is typically related to innocence and purity. Does this mean that the figure is innocent in their situation? It would seem so. So then maybe this innocence is related to the blindfold. It is pretty easy to deny something you are innocent of knowing. Innocence and ignorance are close bedfellows and the figure is not facing up to the situation because of the lack of information. In my situation, I do not have the luxury of knowing all the facts, I really can't see what is going on behind the scenes. So maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
   The two choices seem to be either retaliation or submission. I could either call him on his behaviour, or let it go. Neither seem that fun. While writing a shouty email would be cathartic, it may just lead to further unpleasantness (and face it unpleasantness is not a skill I worked on honing). It is also just playing the game...do I have to adopt shoutyness as a personality trait to deal with individuals like this? Submission is equally repulsive, but it does come with a possible cash payoff (and I could really do with the cash).
   Looking at the card the symbolism seems to point to another option. The figure has her arms crossed over her chest. This means she is covering and protecting her heart and her vulnerability. If I could just relax out of the situation so it doesn't seem like a fight or flight scenario then I might be able to step away from the adrenalised solutions that appear in my mind. Following a course that feels good really is the best option and maybe if I stop being in defensive mode then I can start seeing clearly.
    Behind her we also see the seashore. The sea is an ancient symbol for the unconscious and this shoreline looks a little rocky. Trying to navigate a reef with a blindfold is asking for trouble. With her blindfold, she is  not even aware of the sea behind her. It suggests a tool that can be used to help determine the correct course which she is not making use of.
    In my situation it seems like facing the situation and leaving it up to my subconscious to figure it out might be the best option. The moon suggests sleeping on it might not be too bad an idea. It is transitioning and the fact that it relates to emotion might suggest that I may feel different in the morning.
   In the end, it feels like I am innocent rather than truly in denial and choosing an option while I am still emotional and unable to see all the pieces of the puzzle would be a bad move. I do trust my intuitions and I am sure that my subconscious will deliver up to me the ideal solution for this situation!

7 of Pentacles. Planting the seeds of success.

  The seven of Pentacles is a card that is relatively easy to read. The Pentacles growing on the branches of the plant are worldly fruits that are ripening ready for a time of harvest. The figure in the card has just finished a difficult bout of work and is waiting for that time to arrive.
   He wears a red tunic over blue garments, the red symbolising the active forces he has just used to plant and tend his crops and the blue is related to communication. This communication is that he is aware of what the plant needs in order to thrive, the plant itself representing a project, business or other worldly venture.
     This card can appear as a confirmation that money is on its way or some other reward for one's hard work. It shows that the seeds have been correctly planted, tended and watered and all that remains is for the fruits of your labour to be gathered at the right time.
    Since he is not in the active pursuit of harvesting it shows that this time is not quite upon him. He stands resting on a hoe or other gardening implement with a look of appreciation and satisfaction. The tool is a connector between the farmer and the earth below.
    Seven is a magical number and in this represents growth and ripening, which are processes the farmer himself can only affect indirectly. The time of his tending for good or ill is over and all that remains is the process.
   The card speaks somewhat of the laws of karma, of reaping what one has sown. The farmer will receive his due depending on how well he has tended his interests. Since the card is only a minor arcana it doesn't necessarily have the depth and strength of the Justice card where it relates to Karmic return. In this instance it more readily points to cause and effect as being the instruments of return.
   This card came to me more as a confirmation of the course I was on than as a great learning. I am about to begin work at a healing centre in town this month. This has been something I have been working towards for a great deal of time. In the past my healing work has been something I have fit in around other people and places during my travels rather than something that I have set my life around. It represents a new level in terms of my own growth as it is me stepping forward in a business of my own, one that I have to tend and water all myself. Yesterday I spent the day walking around the town posting flyers and spreading the word about what I am doing. I have sent off for business cards and spoken with people about my ideas for things that will happen.
    I have planted the seeds of my business and tend to and watered the ground. This has been something I have worked towards on some level for a great deal of time. It is not the time yet for me to reap my rewards, as I am not yet at that stage, but I can see that for the first time there is something growing here. Previously when I have started my own healing businesses they had withered on the vine and I now understand why. The conditions had never been right for a business for me, either the land was not fertile or I tended them poorly.
    My own lack of conviction had been partly to blame for this, conviction in what I am doing and its validity and relevance. These emotions are the water that a growing venture needs to see it through. I am sure I will find challenges along the road, but I am more ready to face those than I have been before. My lack of convictions are not the only factor to have affected my previous failures, I can see that looking back there were also many other situations at play. Metaphorically the ground was hard and the environment was too cold to grow the type of business I would like to run.
   I feel that I will turn out a better crop this time, certainly the conditions are more conducive to growth, but only time will tell.

Believing in better for myself

  I have been opening up my life to abundance for quite a while now, several years in fact and there has been a tremendous amount of change going on for me. There has definitely been some ups and downs, but I have come a long way from where I started the journey. I have manifested many things in my life the way I would want them, but there are still a few bugbears that are proving resilient to my efforts.
   Good company, purpose and a meaningful life have all come around for me. Yet finding meaning and fulfillment in my financial and work spheres is proving exceptionally tough to manifest. I have stepped out of my old patterns and moved into the flow of abundance with the universe and it is easy to see it at work in much of my life. Synchronicities happen almost daily for me and there is a feeling of hope. So with this in mind I asked for a dream last night to show me how and where I was going wrong in this area.
   The dream took place in a pub (presumably in the UK) in which I was a cleaner there. I was working for one of my old bosses who I had never had the greatest respect for. I happened to be cleaning around the bar area where the manager of the pub and his fellows were sitting around. They looked like shady mafia types and they ended up holding down and murdering another figure on the bar with a stake to the solar plexus. They seemed either unaware or unbothered by me being there, until the manager noticed me and told me I needed to go clean the roof. I felt like protesting that it was not part of my duties but was concerned that I might be the next victim and I should stay on his best side.
   There were other elements to the dream, such as having difficulty finding a working bathroom stall (problems elimination negative energy) and talking with Dan Akroyd in an airport waiting lounge (not sure about this part!).
    The first part of the dream seemed such a familiar situation in my experiences, I feel shame in recognising this as a regularly occurring situation. I seem to end up with low vibration jobs that put me in a situation in which I feel there is no acceptable way out and with the feeling that there is nothing better out there for me. This creates a vicious cycle in which I am forced back into those very type of work situations. This cycle of belief has kept me pinned in a trap of feeling disappointment and shame.
     The fear of finding nothing better has hardened into a belief so strong that it feels like a certainty. When something has that kind of solidity within your energy system you cannot help but manifest it for oneself, regardless of how many sugary affirmations you sprinkle over it. You are numb to the possibilities that may array themselves before you and deaf to the knocking of opportunity.
    I have experienced life without this belief when I first went travelling simply because I suspended my beliefs in taking that first step, but as is often the case with deeply held ideas they came to the surface eventually and return the status quo.
     Seeing my bosses "murder" other individuals has happened several times for me and I have allowed it to occur because of the fear that there is no other real options for me. And because of my solid belief that there is no other options it takes on a horrible reality.
    I have seen this dynamic at work within my family especially. We have had a pattern of allowing ourselves to become entrenched in a miserable situation and not leave it because of the fear there is no other options. My family owns a holiday home in the south of Italy and my parents hired an unscrupulous and criminal individual who has proven himself false time and time again. Yet this happens because there is a pervasive fear that there are no other options out there.
   Letting go of the fear alone is not enough as it will only creep back in again when no new dynamic comes to replace it. Replacing it is an absolutely necessary, even if it flies in the face of all past experience. One must find the counter belief and install it. So, with that in mind.... There is something better for me out there, something that fits with me perfectly. I have experienced this truth many times before in other areas of my life and now I am going to experience it on the material level.

3 of Pentacles. The trinity of work.

 The three of pentacles is about work and craftsmanship. The suit of pentacles relates to the material world and the three is an early number in the sequence.
   I haven't had a great deal of experience with this card and I find it similar in some ways to the 8 of Pentacles, which shows a workman at his trade.
  This card though being at the start of the suit is symbolic of a much earlier place in the process.
   In the card there is a craftsman stood upon a bench with a chisel and a hammer of some kind in his hands. His elevated position suggests he is a craftsman of some skill as can be witness by the cathedral he is putting the finishing touches to. He wears a dark purple tunic, which is linked to royalty and suggests he is a master craftsman. He also is wearing an apron of gold, which further speaks of his excellent skills.
    He is being approached by two individuals with a blueprint. One of the individuals is dressed in a bright polka dot robe, which appears somewhat outlandish. The other is obviously a monk of some type and most likely belongs in the cathedral the craftsman is working upon.
   The outlandish individual is presenting the craftsman with a blueprint, either for a new design or with regards to the project he is working on. Since he is so individual I feel the card is suggesting something new, fun and creative in terms of work.
   Another element to consider is the cathedral itself. The three pentacle design is worked into the stonework in a design reminiscent of a trinity symbol. The trinity symbol represents three parts working together as one, which would also account for three individuals. The three parts being body, mind and soul. How you attribute these traits to the individuals is a function of your own psyche. For me the craftsman is the body, the monk the mind and the outlandish individual is the soul.
     The card relates to the idea of creating something of lasting beauty, which can really only be achieved by aligning all the three elements together. If any of the elements are in disagreement, then producing something great becomes increasingly unlikely. This may need to be achieved through creating a plan or a closer examination of your own blueprint. It does mean however that all these elements should be aligned.
      I have had great difficulty in aligning these forces together in my life and I am really just on the cusp of getting them to all work in concert. With me there has been a constant disagreement between my soul and my body. Only recently has there been some real alignment working out for me.
     I am still searching for a blueprint that will allow them all to work together and it has been on my mind recently. All three parts are working, but they are not working together and without that nothing truly lasting will come about. This card is not giving me the answer to that, it is just underlining the importance of having that holy trinity working together within and without.