Dreamcoat of many colours

   

    

It has been almost a year since my last posting here. The previous year has been one of difficulty and hard work. I have had several jobs in the interim, some better than others, but all of them a trial. My free time has been absorbed and I have become like one of those poor male stereotypes that spend all their time in the office at the expense of the rest of their lives. Regardless, this period is coming to a close. All my hard work is going to pay off in that I am about to take a full time massage course in the near future. I have applied for a loan (unsuccessfully) and several scholarships with the idea that they will ease my progress through this next phase. I am also looking into taking up a part time job to help with the schooling and basics. Regardless there is still a feeling of dissatisfaction with my current situation, that something is not quite correct. From this I had a dream last night, which had some interesting symbolism. I thought this would be a good jumping off point for getting back into the mindset of writing and washing away the psychic crud that has accumulated from my hectic work life.

     The dream was set in the medieval courtyard of a castle. I was learning to fence, to fight with a sword and my partner stood opposite from me. A teacher of some type, an amalgam of my mentor at work and other elements instructed me on the fine points of swordsmanship. I wasn't proving the best of pupils as I didn't feel particularly enthused about the whole thing and wasn't really interested in the threat of war that proved the backdrop for the dream. At one point, he showed me how slow I was by bringing his blade to the side of my neck. I for some reason was carrying a hunk of wood and it was too heavy and cumbersome to stop the swing with, although it did remind me upon waking of the shield of Thorin Oakenshield from the Hobbit (In the movie the dwarven prince used a chunk of oak to block a blow from an orcish menace, thus earning his name and the respect of his peers).

      At first I could see no connection and could not understand what was bring communicated. The first element of the dream seemed concerned with my work and my lack of real interest in what I was trying to learn. Which is true, I feel no connection to my job and am un-interested in the greater picture it represents. The oaken branch runs along with a lot of kingly symbolism I have been seeing over the last few months in my dreams.

      The second part of the dream struck home for me when I recognised that it wasn't me in the dream trying to earn money for his family and lifestyle. That I wasn't myself seemed relevant and important. The fine robe Jamal had seemed to speak of a royal connection or some position of standing and I couldn't understand why he was hoping to steal pennies from guardsmen. I didn't see why he didn't just become what the robe seemed to indicate he was. The robe was richly coloured and embroidered with what one would expect from either a fine African prince's garments or a Japanese silk robe designed for royalty. 

    The dream seemed to be communicating that I wasn't acting in accord with who I really am, that I was doing things that were not reflective of myself. Not only are they unlikely to bring enough to support myself or my family, but they are beneath my standing....if I could only accept it of course.

    When I awoke I returned to the dream state to see if I could wear the robe in a more conscious fashion. I found that letting go of the idea of who I thought I was, was more difficult than I realised at first. The garb of the rogue and cutpurse, represented a certain way of living I had learned to adopt. Do I deserve to walk as a prince? The idea of that was scarier than I would have imagined and I had to strip away the leathers I wore as a thief before wearing the robe seemed right. When I put it on in the dream state I could feel my body responding and found myself relaxing to a much deeper state and felt blood flowing through my legs into areas that have been tense for a long while.

      Accepting who I am and not what has allowed me to survive is a task I hope I am up to. It is a terrifying prospect and one I hope to be able to hold onto. For the first time I can see that the job I am currently doing is not right for who I am and is not the right way for me to go, it is just where I am now. I shall not judge myself for not being able to feel it, because I would not have been able to see a better way to go until this point.

P.S. The Hobbit is awesome! Go see it or read it! 

Page of Cups. Dreams and the youth

  The Page of Cups is a familiar card to me. Some cards just tend to turn up more often in readings than in others. When this happens you develop a rapport with the card, the card begins to transcend it's original pictorial meaning and develops something of a personal tone.
   The picture on the card depicts a youth, usually one of watery emotional disposition ( a dreamer usually) who is examining a fish he holds within a chalice. The youth is colourfully dressed in red, blue and yellow with lotuses embroidered on the tunic. On his head he wears a whimsical looking hat and scarf which looks reminiscent of a wave, both in colour and shape.
   The lotus, we have discussed before is a symbol of the ability to transform waste into beauty and is analogous with the chakras, both in form and function.
    The youth is stood in somewhat of a theatrical stance, he almost looks as though he is an actor in a play about to break into song about his fish. In this way we can understand the basic demeanor of the youth within the card. He is playful and doesn't take life too seriously.
      The fish for me is a symbol of dreams, like fish they swim just beneath the surface of the unconscious, breaking the surface occasionally and returning to the depths just as quickly. The youth has a good connection with his dreams, both the type of dreams we have at night and the type we hold aloft and aspire to. The former being a form of guidance in order to accomplish the latter.
   As with the youth, I have a good connection with my dreams remembering them almost nightly and sometimes more than one if I am on the trail of a particular idea. Recently I have been practicing my ability to journey. Journeying is the ability to travel consciously into the realm of dreams and bring back information from the unconscious, similar to a diver looking for pearls. At first it is difficult in the journey to separate an over-active intellect from the true subconscious material, although even the material your intellect delivers is affected by the tone of the subconscious material it is attempting to convey. In this way even material that seems over-intellectualised or imagined is useful because it is coloured by genuine information.
   Recently though I have found that my intellect has taken too direct a hand in trying to classify, objectify and extract meaning from the material brought forth. Like a young actor in a scene I have become overly invested in the reason for a character's actions rather than remaining true to the emotional core of the role. In doing so the energetic core can become lost in the egoic process of examination, forever marginalised to a sideline as it has to be "worked out".
    The card is a reminded to return to the whimsical energy of the dream and not get caught up in intellectualising or allowing the mind too much control. This has been a common thread with several journeys recently in allowing the unconscious material to surface without overlaying or submerging it with the weight of analysis. A tendency I fear I have had for too long.
   I have found that remaining open to seeing whatever emerged without allowing my mind to immediately begin analysis has been most fruitful. An example being that in a recent journey I perceived what seemed to me to be a feathery wing. Immediately my mind began to try and classify the phenomenon. Maybe it is a pegasus or a bird, maybe a dragon or a feathered serpent. In doing so I began to lose the connection to the genuine material that was emerging and falling into my mind. In learning to meditate and to journey the mind has learned to take a back seat in order to allow the phenomena to emerge, yet all it has done is wait till a later step in the process to attempt to assume control.
    The figure of the youth on the card is also symbolic of another situation in my life. A recent journey yielded information about several plants that would be helpful for me. I sat on this information for quite a while, since I doubted it's veracity. My perception that I didn't know anything about herbalism or plant remedies stood in the way of using the information I received. In the journey I was shown snapdragons, a willow tree and then taken underwater to be shown kelp. It was a simple and quick journey and my mind was quick to dismiss any likelihood that it would hold value.
    Late last week, Zoe and I were at New Frontiers (a health food store) where I was tentatively looking for the plant mixtures. I was having a difficult time following my intuition on it and had been looking at the blue-green algae instead ( I had been told it was very good for you, even if it was expensive). As I was looking at the suppliments I saw a jar containing Icelandic kelp. This reminded me that it was kelp and not algae that had appeared in my journey.
   On a whim I decided to see if there was any of the other plants available (I was pretty certain Snapdragon was not available). Instead I found that all three were available, even Snapdragon in an essence form. A friend of mine who works at the store was helpful enough to print off what all three plants were for and it turns out that it corresponds exactly with several of the issues that I have been working on. As a result I have been drinking down the plant essences and it has really helped. Tensions that I have been working on for a long while are disappearing almost overnight and the domination of my mind wanting a stranglehold over what I am doing is slowly loosening.
   I do feel like the character in the card, especially when I often have a cup of whichever essence I am now taking inspired by the journeywork.

When the whole world is a bully

   The last couple of nights I have had a running series of dreams that all seem to have a common thread. It all started after I had a massage therapist work on the deeper areas of tension in my legs. It seems that the iliotibial band (or IT Band) in my legs is as taut as a bowstring.
   As anyone familiar with bodywork knows the body stores emotions and memories in the musculature, fascia and even the organs. Working on the body can bring unresolved or stored content to the surface. This occurs with the energy body too.
    As to what to do with these unresolved feelings there is no specific answer that holds true universally. Sometimes the feelings simply have to be felt and let go of. But in other situations they can point to patterns of thinking and acting that are so ingrained that letting go without examination and resolution it is like pulling up a weed without getting the roots.
   This is simply going to be a posting to vent my feelings and hopefully come to a resolution which I will be able to impart. I consulted the tarot to help me with this and The Hermit showed me that the answer is to be found within. So I am going within and you are welcome to follow, provided you don't mind me getting into some old crap!
    The first set of dreams occurred on the night immediately following the massage which occurred late at night. I had been wanting to get some clearance on the feelings of powerlessness and frustration that accompanied both the stretching of my legs and my general financial situation. They might seem unconnected, but energetically they are linked and my dreams seem to clarify that. I had actually been looking for answers on the next card I am working on, so when my unconscious delivered up these dreams I understood that this was what I was going to be working on regardless of my other plans!
    The first three dreams I had were all connected thematically. In the first I was excavating some old relics at an archaeological dig site. I was tracking down some talons or teeth from a dinosaur which were buried somewhere in the area. After some digging and searching I discovered that they were located in a small stream bed and were encased in a small block of ice. The dig site is symbolic of the massage digging into old strata and layers of my psyche, the dinosaur teeth are linked to my childhood dreams of dinosaurs (check out Dinosaur dreams for more details) and the ice is about frozen emotions. That they were under an active stream suggests they are buried under a healthy flow of emotions. The teeth in this instance represent power and aggression (baring teeth is a show of power and aggression). Just as I was about to retrieve them a young child of about 5 or 6..possibly older snatched them from the water. He refused to give them back and acted in a generally smug and childish "I found it first" manner. I didn't know how to react or feel in the dream and felt trumped by this impertinent youngster.
     The second dream was similar, in this though the child tried to snatch something from me as I was sat on a train or bus. I grabbed his wrist and took back what was mine, but his mother was horrified and told me that I couldn't do that to a child, which caused me to feel guilty.
    The third brought up a memory of an person I have not thought of in years. His name was Barnaby and he was part of a clique at school. The clique of guys he was part of were pleasant outwardly, but you could tell they sneered and derided everyone who wasn't like them. I didn't know how to deal with them as the the thin veneer of pleasantry didn't adequately cover the corruption within. In this dream he helped me get a new computer, but when I set it up, it was flooded with spam and malware. I knew he was responsible for this, but there was no way I could prove it.
    In writing these dreams down I can clearly see the common thread. It is in dealing with someone who on the surface appears pleasant, but underneath is actually not a good person. I am unsure on how to be around people that are false. The greater my ability to perceive these charlatans of good nature the more I feel insecure in how I should react. Often such people possess a pleasing facade and either an emptiness or dark rot within.
    I grew up feeling that one should be civil and polite to all people, to act as a gentleman to even the most reprehensible and vile people. In some ways this an extension of giving the benefit of the doubt. The links to my childhood are undeniable and there are several instances in my past that cause me to look back with horror and disgust on things that happened in which paralysis was my only response.
      In the dream the night afterwards things got worse. In this dream both Zoe and I were sat in a restaurant having a light meal. I thought I saw a relative sat at another table (possibly my grandfather) though the view was obscured somewhat because of angle and obstructions. I waved them over and it turned out that it was my father. He introduced himself to Zoe, then hugged her in what was an inappropriate fashion which was more like groping. She was clearly uncomfortable and so I pulled him away then punched him in the jaw. The blow was glancing and held little power, but he retreated and looked somewhat shaken. We exchanged some brief words and he left. Again I wasn't sure if I had over-reacted as violence is not a common form of response for me and I have been taught it is never an appropriate reaction.
    Striking one's father is also seen as a large no-no. The final form of the dream though is very telling for me. The antagonist is finally revealed as my father (how typically Freudian!) and it speaks heavily of my relationship with him. My father is not a vile man, nor is he wantonly bad, yet he shares many traits with the antagonists in the previous dreams. He takes joy in malicious jokes and childish power games, yet on the surface he is a popular and charismatic individual. People will forgive a great deal of a charismatic man (or woman). In the dream I took no joy in striking my father, but looking back I feel it was necessary.
   The dreams connect to that childhood anxiety of how to deal with such an individual who is cruel in nature, but hides it behind a mask of civility. I am no longer a child and therefore am not limited to being powerless around such individuals or situations. But I am still finding a level of appropriate response without being left bereft or over-reacting. It as though a part of me is still a child in this, learning how to respond to the great bullying world that puts on a mask of civility.
     This issue strikes a deep cord in me for all those times that I have let those childish power games or malicious jokes go unanswered. I feel it connect to a level of anger. In my own psyche there is either paralysis or over-reaction, my instincts take hold and there is only fight or flight. As a child I could only respond with incomprehension when my father acted in such a fashion, washing between the shores of paralysis or the urge to fight. Of course, as a child one cannot strike your parents and even the thought induces guilty feelings. It creates a feeling of powerlessness against so great a force. I could no more strike out against my parents than I could fly to the moon.
    The dynamic this has created within me has set me up to view the universe through the same lens. When life or circumstance seems like a malicious joke, I am paralysed or feel rage at the circumstances binding me. Of course, lashing out at my new "parents" within my own spirituality holds just as much a taboo as striking out at my real family. It is said that you look upon the Gods as you look upon your parents, using the same filters and the same perceptions. So what does this mean for me? That when life plays a malicious trick, or is cruel, I simply accept it as the will of untouchable deities. That the rage and frustration I feel cannot be expressed or I will suffer greater indignities. It has created a fear of authorities within me, that I cannot speak up or out against their injustices or feel the wrath and punishment that breaking that taboo will bring even if their actions are unjust.
     I guess it is all in being able to handle these situation as an adult and not letting my rage carry or paralyze me. Growing up with this as a child made me feel powerless whenever something unfair or bad happened, I found ways to rationalise it within my self as to why it happened to me and for what purpose. I have let these situations occur in my own life and not stood up against them and answered them. I even doubt there is any way I could offend the universe, it doesn't have human sensibilities and would surely understand my human frustrations. I am sure God has heard it all before and it is quite likely my anger would be the amongst the least colourful things he hears each day. It also seems like if anyone is equipped to deal with anger and frustration and not react badly it should be God.
     It seems like being able to fully give my anger over to God is what I can learn from this, that I don't need to store it as a poison, nor cast it out into the world at people who are suffering just as much in life, or even more so if they are a bad person. If I can release that pain and suffering out into the universe, then it can be transformed. Releasing it into people or situations will only magnify whatever it is that I am suffering through.
   It is late..I have a lot to let go of and maybe once my cup is empty of this poison it can be filled with something better...

II - The High Priestess.

 The High Priestess is a powerful feminine force, she stands at the forefront of the Major Arcana and also as a high point on the Tree of Life within the Kabbalah esoteric school of thought.
    I feel she is the mystical consort of the Magician, although her aspect can be reflected in the Hierophant (Exoteric rather than esoteric knowledge) and the Hermit (a male correspondence to inner knowledge).
   Like all the Major Arcana it is rich in symbolism and allegory. She sits between the twin pillars of Boaz and Joachim, which where foundational supports for the temple of Solomon. Which can also be understood to represent the twin paths of mercy and severity, again upon the tree of life.
    She sits dressed in pale blue, the colour of communication, representing a connection to the throat chakra and the ability to hear the inner voice and its wisdom. Upon her head she wears a triple moon headdress, symbolising the three moon phases and linking her to many triple form goddess deities (Hathor and The Morrigan being prime examples). At her feet lies a crescent moon, similar to the depictions of Mary, but in reality speaking of more ancient traditions.
     In her hands can be seen a scroll with the inscription "Tora" upon it. This is somewhat similar to the letters on the Wheel of Fortune card and links us to the Tarot, Rota and Torah. The scroll represents the knowledge that lies in her hands and is partial concealed from casual observance.
    Even more striking and not readily apparent from a cursory examination is the that veil behind her actually hides an entire landscape complete with a sea and landmass. This veil is decorated with pomegranates an ancient and multifaceted symbol which relates to the underworld, or land of the dead. Therefore one would not go far wrong to assume that this veil hides the great undiscovered country that lies behind the veil of death, of which she is a guardian. The story of Persephone and her journey into the underworld, only to become trapped there by Hades for consuming a few pomegranate seeds is the connection we can see here.
    The High Priestess is the Guardian at the Gate for esoteric inner knowledge, for passage to the land of the dead and to the energies of the feminine, yin energies of Water and Earth.
    On a more superficial level she represents the stillness before action to contemplate and get in touch with your inner feminine knowing (whether you are woman or man). She is the oracle, the priestess and the seer. The wise woman and gentle feminine knowing. Her power is not as overt as the Magician, yet you ignore her advice at your own peril.
     I drew this card in the midst of my own individual process. In the last weekend I attended a Shamanic Workshop for advanced healing practices and during the many journeys I embarked upon a common theme emerged. It was of facing my own death through being devoured by an aquatic creature (a shark to be specific). Journey after journey took me to face this, even when we took a break for the night I had a dream of being on a sinking truck under which a shark swam waiting for me to be unable to escape. Finally on the last day I let myself be eaten. This didn't bring any immediate epiphany, it seldom works that quickly. But, I did feel as though a new boundary had been crossed.
     Later in the week it came home to me. I have only included a few of the many symbols and synchronicities that occurred through the workshop and the time preceding and following the journeys. There have been several themes involved, the main ones being death and female energy. In a book I have been reading called the Magus of Java the author discusses the energies of yin and yang as being oppositional forces that truly tangibly exist, rather than only being the philosophical mental constructs that people consider them to be. He posits that yin energy is the energy of the Earth and of Spirits and that Yang energy is solar energy that exists in all living beings. Yang is hot and is the energy I feel I primarily work with in healing sessions, the masculine energy of life and light.  The energies are not complementary as many would believe and they have an antagonistic relationship to each other. Yin energy is cold and is what one sense when spirits are present. The greater the quantity of yin present (either in the individual or in the being), the greater the ability to perceive these beings.
    My journeys and dreams spoke of the fear of yin energy, of the male Yang energy being consumed by opposing energy. It is the Jungian archetypal fear of the all consuming terrible mother, the castration fear in its purest form. Most men on the road to self awareness are willing and able to be in touch with their female energies, but how many are unafraid of being completely overcome with this energy? I don't doubt that it exists in women too to an equal degree for its masculine counterpart. The fear of death, of annihilation in the void of the female is a primal fear (at least for men).
     I had gone into the store where I work and sat talking with the ladies that run the store and told them of what I was going through and discussed the nature of being absorbed into the pure consciousness of the opposite energy (yin in my case). As we spoke I could feel the fear rise, the fear of losing my masculinity by getting too close to the female energy. Betty suggested a visualisation in which I imagined my body being transformed to that of the female form as a grid moved from my feet up to my head. After it was complete I could feel cold energy running up my spine and my hands begun to shake. The process lasted a good few hours and at one point my teeth were even chattering. A few days later there is still movements of the energy and I do not yet feel it is entirely complete, but I understand that the yin energy is necessary for completeness.
    The Yin or female energy is what allows us to part the curtain to the land of the dead and of spirits, it is the energy of the High Priestess, she is the psychopomp who takes us into that undiscovered country.

10 of Swords. Defeat and failure.

  The 10 of Swords is one of those cards that people dread to draw, the imagery alone is enough to frighten people away from understanding the meaning behind this card. I had been a little nervous of drawing this card, as my life usually reflects the energy of the card that is currently in play, when it arrived yesterday I immediately knew what it pertained to.
   The figure in the card has been pinned to the earth by the ten swords and his life blood pools below him. Above him dark clouds gather as he gazes sightlessly out towards the ocean before him.
   Failure, defeat and humiliation are the bywords of this card and its energy. Of course, they are not pleasant and pain is doubtless going to ensue. It the the fulfillment of a road not followed, a path ignored. This can only lead to pain, humiliation and outright failure. Each one of his thoughts has come back to destroy him and immoblise him with their weight and deadly force.
    This card can be the culmination of a series of bad or uninformed choices that eventually leads us to this point. The weight of all these choices finally brings us down and gives us no choice but to buckle under their weight. It is the end of a phase, it is a stage of completion and from it something new will emerge. The tens are always completion and as such, even though it is difficult to see in this card, presage a new beginning.
     Each of the swords is driven into the spinal column, creating a line down his back. The spine is the vessel for the energy of awakening and it shows that in order to awaken one must go through a painful initiation, on all levels.
    In my own life the symbolism of the card speaks directly to me. During the last stretch of my life I have ignored my own health and fitness, choosing to focus on other areas of my life. As a result there are deep tensions in my body that need to be worked out. In order to do this I have found a friend who is willing to work on these deep tensions in exchange for energy work of my own. He uses a technique known as the Spiral technique, which involves massaging out the stuck and calcified spots in my musculature and tendons. Regardless, there is pain involved as these spots are pressed on and straightened out. At some points the pain is very intense as I can literally feel the tense muscles coming apart and releasing their toxins. The massage actually involves me laying face down and having a blanket lain over my body similar to the pose adopted in the card. It does indeed feel as though swords are being pushed into the super tense areas.
    I understand now that in order to release this mindset I must fully release all these blockages, even though it is a very painful process. I must take greater account of my health and fitness if I am to continue in the field of health and well-being. Don't get me wrong, I am hardly unhealthy or weak, but I am certainly far from my ideal and as a result there is no way that I can advocate being physically healthy and at the peak of fitness without sounding hypocritical.
   I only arrived at this juncture by not listening to my physical needs and not keeping on top of things. There have been mitigating circumstances that have not made it easy up until this point, but I also have to accept that I did not do all that was possible. The road to recovery will be hard, painful and most likely humiliating. But if I accept this as my journey, then I can rise above it, even as I push through it.
  In the card you can see in the distance on the horizon, that there is a light creeping in, even if the current prognosis is grim. This card is a what happens when you ignore the wake-up call in an area of your life and must eventually face your own failure. Drawing this card alerts us to areas we may have ignored or given up on. It shows us that from this point progress is possible, but to do so we must go through the difficult and painful process or removing the fruits of our ignorance. These toxins have to be removed and doing so is painful as we have to see exactly where we have failed. It can serve to grant us a new level of humility, which is borne from suffering humiliation and raising ourselves above it. 

XVII - The Star

  It has been a little bit of time since I last updated the blog and several weeks has passed while the Star card sits upon my desk waiting for me to write on it.
   The Star is a positive card, one bearing a message of hope and fulfillment. It has certainly brought those elements forward in my life. In the last few weeks my healing business has taken off to a degree I would not normally imagine possible in a winter month. I have had a regular stream of customers coming for energy work and for the workshops I have run. Outside of that I have found myself busy everyday with one task or another and my schedule remains full with interesting prospects. There are also several side projects that are beginning to bear fruit after a long period of waiting.
   The card itself has a magical quality, a skyclad woman pours  never-ending streams of water from the two vessels she holds. One pours onto the land, the other back into the water. The woman is poised with one leg on the land and the other foot on the surface of the water. She is a picture of self assurance in her body and in her balance. Behind her are the seven stars of the Pleiades and one gigantic star above her. You can also catch a glimpse of a bird resting on a tree in the background. While it is difficult to make out what type of bird it actually depicts, various sources describe it as an Ibis the Egyptian bird of wisdom associated with Thoth.
    This is above all a card of hope, inspiration and illumination. The woman in the card is representative of the divine female in all her glory. She does not hide her form, nor is she self conscious. The Star has always been a guiding symbol of hope for the future, often associated with prophecy and the dawning of a new hopeful era. The Pleiades, or the seven sisters are a cluster of stars that can be seen cresting the horizon when spring arrives. They are also associated in New Age thought with the star beings who watch over and guide us towards our soul's destination.
   This cluster of stars has, for me found profound meaning as the Spring has often been a time when hope is renewed and I set forth with renewed vigour towards my spiritual goals. Several times when my hope has been at it's lowest points I have had profound dreams in which this cluster of stars had played a prominent role, encouraging me take heart and continue on. These dreams appeared with unnaturally vivid clarity and colour and stood apart from the usual cobwebbed dreamscapes.
    The idea of following one's star, or reaching for the stars finds its place here in the realm of hope and inspiration. The story of the Three Kings following a star to find the birthplace of Jesus resonates strongly here and has astrological significance, as the eight stars depicted here can relate to the eight known astrological planets of the old world.
    The vessels she pours onto the earth and water represent abundance of feeling and the renewal of the body and spirit that occurs with an influx of new hope. After the trials of the Devil card it is a breath of fresh air, a time of liberation, new growth and freedom. It represents the arrival in the blessed garden after the dangerous passage of the underworld. You can see the springing up of new shoots around where she pours the vessels onto the ground, these symbolise new life and hope.
    The Ibis on the tree behind her is a symbol of wisdom, a bird that could wade through the shallow waters of the Nile and pluck fish from the water with it's long thin bill. It finds association with Thoth the Egyptian God of hermetic wisdom, who was depicted as an Ibis headed being. Hermetic wisdom is wisdom gained through deep introspection and through no worldly source. This fits nicely with the idea of inspiration coming from divine or otherworldly sources.
     In the my life this card also has further meaning, which relates to recent events. Apart from a feeling of renewed hope and feeling returning to me. Which of course I welcome with great gratitude. These is another aspect. Many years ago I had the pleasure of meeting a lady by the name of Alexa Young. She had created an oracle based around the Tarot, it is a inspired creation and involves a group of people coming together to experience the Tarot in a group setting. It is based around a board and can be called a game only in the loosest definition. Alexa held the Star card to be the card that inspired her to create the game and it's symbolism is intrinsically linked with the game. When I met her she asked through her daughter Lisa if I would like to play a game with her, which we did. The title of the Oracle was Llumination and it was a way to experience the magic of the tarot in a expanded setting and to share it with others.
     Llumination has been around for many years, but Alexa's untimely passing left the game and it's many inspired offshoots languishing in a legal marshland. I took it upon myself to learn how to facilitate the games in order to help promote it, as I believe it is a very valuable tool for self-discovery.  In the last few weeks though, there has been new growth and excitement for the game and the related Tarot resources. I have had the personal pleasure of helping to move the game forward and it is a time of renewed hope for it to get out there and into the world with the recognition it truly deserves.
   
 

Forgiveness and releasing grudges

  Last night I had a dream. In the dream I found myself in a village and in the village centre I saw all the townsfolk at war with each other. At first I wondered why they would be fighting and then I saw the cause. Above them hovered a gigantic spectral skull and I knew that they fought because of this apparition.  I knew that if I could vanquish this spectre then the people would be free and would no longer turn upon their neighbours. So I gave chase to the skull and used a bow and arrows that had appeared in my hands to try and destroy it. Each time I was about to deliver the final blow it would round a corner and I would not be able to line up a shot. At this point I awoke from sleep the skull still at large.
    Now you may wonder what this has to do with forgiveness and grudges, but stay with me and it will become apparent.
    Many years ago I my trust in a dear friend was betrayed. This single event has been a catalyst for me in coming to terms with many great and difficult issues for me. From this I have learned to get in touch with my anger and to understand what it is to stand up for one's own integrity. Her subsequent disappearance forced me to deal with this on an internal level since it could not play itself out in the world. Forgiveness has been out of reach for me and an earlier acceptance would have meant an avoidance of those very aspects which had caused the situation in the first place.
   Yet I find that I do not have a complete sense of peace in my heart. I doubt that the person in question will ever come forward and apologise. So is my sense of peace dependent on the fickleness of another? Forgiveness has always come easy to me until now and I had never known it was so easy because my sense of self worth and integrity had allowed my feelings to be walked upon without raising an objection. How much more difficult it becomes once one has stood for their own worth.
    One of the most difficult pieces of the puzzle is how to let go without going backwards, without offering acceptance for behaviour I know is un-acceptable. Yet without a form of acceptance there is no peace. How does one go forward in love without losing self worth and integrity or lining oneself up for repeat situations?
  In the dream the people war with one another because of this spectre of the past. I let it escape because of my own fears of what will occur once it no longer exists.
   I know that I don't wish to wait till judgement day to find my peace once more..it is too long a wait. It surely cannot rest upon the acquiescence of another even if one hopes for that. I read on forgiveness yesterday and was struck my several accounts of forgiveness. One was a priest who was beaten daily for his faith and he had advised that one must forgive entirely, that not one shred must be left. Another stated that you must forgive so entirely that the other must be allowed to save face and you cannot hold anything against them, not in word, action, attitude or posture. Visualising this for me caused me a great deal of difficulty, how so much I want the other to understand the damage done. Yet while I do this they still posses an element of power over me.
   It seems that forgiveness is the only way to fully release that, to return to my power in love. Yet one must also hold to one's course, to one's boundaries or all is lost and the lesson is lost. This situation also holds true for other situations in which grudges are held. Holding out for an acknowledgement from one who is unrepentant, unaware or unwilling is a fool's errand. This process is a delicate one and requires that each step along the road must be taken in fullness and not bypassed because one understands where the final step lays. Going through the anger, the pain and all the scars is necessary to grow as fully as possible. Any little left uncleansed remains with us and arriving at forgiveness prematurely is just as dangerous as never arriving at all.
   I have been arriving at that place in myself in which I can feel love for those that have wronged me, yet be able to see, free of judgement that they are damaged and not feel the need to push that upon them. Each person is necessarily at a different point and for some no less than exclusion is necessary to maintain my boundaries comfortably. Others I could allow back into my life if they wished it so, with loving conditions. There is a teasing apart of all that comprises each relationship and understanding where the boundaries need to lay and it is a process that has to rely only on my own inner authority.
   

2012 and the new awakening

  My monitor died this morning. It didn't happen with a bang, just an almost inaudible buzzing before the screen went black. It is the latest in a series of electronics that have given up on me in the last year. It seems like the universe is trying to give me a message and up until now I don't think I have been listening. The message isn't that technology is doomed and that we are going back to a medieval subsistence farming paradigm (at least I hope not!), it is more personal than that. I think mostly the universe speaks to us in a personal way, about our lives and what we can do to make things better.
   2012 is already upon us and many of us are looking to see something extra-ordinary happen. Whether it is the collapse of the financial institutions to aliens descending from the skies, I think we are all looking for a change in our lives. 2011 was a pretty crappy year for me and I have high hopes for this year. But it is entirely plausible that when 2013 arrives (as it inevitably will) we will look back and wonder what if anything happened. I for one would like to be someone who can say something profound did happen. If I continue to look outside myself for something to happen in order to change my life then I may well be waiting till 2013 and beyond.  Sure, something may happen on an external level and I do think it is time for a change...but I cannot sit and wait for that to occur.
     A fellow blog writer (http://www.jaimemintun.com/) recently wrote that the changes in 2012 are up to us, that we cannot sit and wait for all our wishes to be delivered to us on a plate. I am starting to see the sense in that idea. If nothing does change globally then at least it will have changed personally and I can look back at 2012 and say in all honesty that 2012 brought a great awakening.
      Luckily my monitor has a three year warranty and the nice gentleman at LG said they would even take care of delivery. It is also possible since my current monitor is discontinued that they will supply me with an improved model. None-the-less my days plan has collapsed. As my mind tried to scrabble for what I could do instead, I saw a spark of insight dancing in my being. The day suddenly seemed filled with new possibility, instead of blasting undead with lightning deep underground in the mythical land of Skyrim I could do a myriad of other things. Sure, I would have to stop work on my latest piece of art and also put off completing a teaching manual I was working on, but this ray of light seemed fleeting and would soon disappear if I let it slip from my grasp.
    Another friend of mine writes a blog on truck driving interspersed with philosophical musings (http://isterlings.blogspot.com/) and he recently asked me to give him my opinion on an article related to healing and the dynamics of healing. The article was very long and complex, but one piece stuck in my mind. It was a section on the base chakra (check out the tab at the top for more info on chakras). The interesting part of this article for me was that it related difficulties in the lower chakra to unconsciousness. That once we liberated this unconsciousness, it could be transformed into apathy (the energy of the chakra above) and so on until it was fully released.
     The cord that this struck was that I tend to get pulled back into unconsciousness, or at least semi-conscious states quite regularly. There are a number of different behaviours and habits I have adopted that bring me back out of higher states and lower my vibration. So in the interest of growth I took that spark of inspiration I felt and created a list of all the behaviours that take drag me into states of either unconsciousness or semi-consciousness. Doing this I realised that I needed to do something about this before I was overcome by another one of these habits. So I composed a list of 7 behaviours and 7 replacement habits I could cultivate in their stead. What I intend to do is to have my own 2012 awakening and do my part for global enlightenment by sticking to this throught 2012. It's kind of a challenge, but I think that is the point!

  Anyway here are the lists:
 Behaviours that create unconscious or semi-conscious states:
 1. Listening to my ipod (this is actually one of the piece of electronics that malfunctioned and no longer allows me to update my song list. I am literally stuck in the past when I listen to it..or at least my song choices from 2008).
  2. Playing Video games. This one is pretty difficult for me as I tend to play them to chill out and really enjoy them, plus I don't wish to martyr my enjoyment on the altar of growth. In order to do this I will not play games I have already finished, have not been waiting for or are for the purpose of killing time (and consciousness).
  3. Watching TV shows online. I don't have a problem with a weekly show, but I have fallen into the habit of watching them to pass the time or to distract me while I work on something else. So, like video games, no repeat show watching or for time or consciousness killing.
  4. Browsing Online. This is anything from forums, articles, flash games to craigslist or other supposed "constructive" uses. Facebook would be here if I liked or spent time here!
   5. Eating badly. For me this is sugary or chocolaty snacks mainly. Although some foods make me sleepy which is the same things as lowering my vibration.
   6. Working in jobs that limit my enjoyment. Not that I have such a job now, but I have a tendency to spend huge swathes of time making money at the expense of joy or growth. Realising that these jobs are not beneficial to my consciousness and it's growth should be enough. Such jobs are one in which I am counting down the hours till I finish or make me feel bad about myself and my life.
   7. Oversleeping or dozing. I tend to sleep long and late and will occasionally use dozing or napping as a way to pass time. This is spending time in unconsciousness in its purest form and if I can cut it back to the simple amount my body needs for rest then I will not be wasting opportunities.

Rather than just going cold turkey on them all I have also created a list of things I can do to replace the time that becomes available.

  1. Stretching or exercising. I often feel I have little time to do this, but it is simply not true. What happens is I get stuck in an unconscious or semi-conscious pattern.
  2. Un-distracted artwork (or creative endeavor). I like artwork, but the truth of it is I sometimes find it difficult to do so without a form of distraction (which inevitably gets turned off once I really start). Often finding a suitable distraction will take up more time and energy than the actual creation of the artwork!
  3. Meditation. This is simple enough and always beneficial.
  4. Conversation on enlivening topics. I wanted something on the list that wasn't solitary and would help me avoid listening or partaking in gossip or discussion of people's problems.
   5. Body or Energy work. This includes for myself and others.
   6. Productive or constructive work. From writing blogs, to creating value for my products or services that will eventually benefit others. This may include jobs that are growth inducing or learning new skills (languages, instruments, techniques).
   7. New or enjoyable experiences. Whether this is starting a class, going somewhere interesting or new or trying something different. Providing it is dropped if it is not enjoyable or productive.

  Hopefully I can maintain this, but putting it out there means I have to take it a lot more seriously than if I just wrote it in my journal!
  I believe increasing my own consciousness is a good way accelerate the process of global enlightenment and feel good about myself at the same time.

Getting out of the way of yourself.

  Too often we are in our own way. Many times we are too much in our own heads and can't let go of the control our egos like to exhibit. I learned something valuable today and it surprisingly came from my own mouth. It began with advice about doing a tarot reading, but has expanded into something greater.
   When one goes for, or gives a tarot reading posing the question is one of the oft most overlooked piece of the encounter. Yet the question is the crux of the answer and we forget that at our own peril.
   I was talking with a colleague today about setting up the question for a reading. How the question is phrased is of the utmost importance. I liken it to programming a computer...any mistake is because of human error. People have a tendency to limit their options for an answer to a simple yes/no or and either/or, but the answer may need to be much more far reaching. Limited views, preconceived notions of what is possible or leading questions can all lead the question astray before you even begin. Spirit will do its best to get the to heart of the matter, but a badly worded question can provide a significant block to interpreting what the cards are saying.
    Badly worded questions are limited and closed, not allowing spirit to answer in its fullness. Asking an either or question limits you to two possibilities, when there may be a third you are not even aware of. Yes or no questions can be just as bad.
      This is not limited to reading tarot cards, but any interaction with spirit that is limited by our vocabulary. Words have a structure of their own, often with narrow meanings compared to the energy that motivates the question. They can be wonderful tools if crafted well, but often they fall far short.
     I sat down this evening to pose a question to my own deck. The question broadly was to be, how to return the magic to my life. Don't get me wrong, I like my life currently, but it is not magical and it has been before. I set out several decks and took a moment to prepare myself before doing the reading.
   As I prepared, I focused inwards and relaxed allowing the question to coalesce into being. Sometimes as I do this the answers come before I have drawn the cards. In this instance I realised that I should pose my question as a prayer rather than a reading. What started to form was "How can I best bring magic back into my life" , which changed to "Help me bring magic back into my life". As I focused on this prayer one thing immediately stood out....me.
     I was asking spirit to help me bring back the magic, rather than getting out of the way and asking them to do it. I realised it might not be within my finite ability to bring this effect into being. Even with spirit's help, I might not be able to pull off what I was asking for. It is like asking for spirit to give me the strength to get over an obstacle, rather than having spirit remove the obstacle or provide a way to bypass it. My own limitations as a finite being stand in the way of every request in which I ask for help for me to do something.
    I do not need to be the one that overcomes the obstacle, that is what my ego would like, but not really what I want. There are instances where it is relevant to me to do something with spirit's help, but this is not one of them.
    There is a fine line here that I tread with this, between what I believe is possible for myself and what is possible for spirit to achieve above, beyond and for me. It reminds me of exercise we did in the Celtic workshop in which we do a healing, but the guides do all the work and we watch. For me it was difficult to step aside and let spirit work through me even though the end result might be more effective. There is a part of me that wants to be responsible for the healing directly. It wants the gratification, it wants to believe that it is the source of the healing. But it isn't. It is spirit. It has worked through me, but how much better might it work if the me got out of the way?
   Instead of asking spirit to help me, I asked for spirit to return the magic to my life. It involves a faith and a trust and not so much meddling on my behalf. I get to witness the magic occur through the act of faith and in the end, what is the difference? It feels more like commanding than pleading and that can only be a positive step. Spirit doesn't have a problem saying no.
 
   
     
     

XX - Judgement

  The Judgement card is one that is easy to mistake the meaning of. It's the title and the heavily christian allegorical symbolism that can throw one off. If you are looking at Judgement in terms of the judiciary meaning then take a look at the Justice card, it is not about crime and punishment.
   What is immediately obvious to anyone with more than a passing relationship to the Book of Revelations is that the symbolism...the angel blowing the trumpet, the dead arising and a possible tidal wave in the background, is striking.
    Rather than meaning an actual end of the world "Judgement Day", it is about our own personal reckoning.
    The card is speaking of soul fragments that have either "died" or become trapped being raised from their confinement. In the journey of the Fool, when he encounters this particular situation it is when he must face the parts of himself that have become lost, trapped or relegated to the past. The clarion call of the angel resurrects the parts of himself that have been left behind so they can be re-united in wholeness.
    The idea of facing parts of our past we want to have buried can be somewhat disturbing. We may have buried them for a reason...or so we feel. They may be associated with terrible times, traumatic events or feelings of deep shame or denial. They may even be happy parts that we no longer feel we have a right to, or that belong to another time, or are so polluted with attachments to bad memories we don't want to look.
     Drawing this card has meant for me a long hard look at the choices and difficulties in my own life. I have worked heavily on this area, but I could feel something birthing through the process. It forced me to consider my relationship with Zoe in a honest and straight forward light. We have a great relationship, but there are elements that could be improved upon. Elements we both need to be happy with ourselves and with each other.
      Many years ago Zoe lost a very important person to her. She felt a great connection to him, so when he passed away suddenly it left a hole in her life. They were both in their teens and so it was very unexpected and shocking. It didn't help that Zoe was going through several already difficult experiences in her family life at the time, or that there were elements that made her feel indirectly responsible for his passing. For her the joy and excitement of teenage feelings were stripped away in a horrifying manner leaving a void and a powerlessness in their wake. So, for her those happy feelings are tainted with the circumstances in which they were lost and resurrecting them can seem like a disturbing consideration. Talking about the situation alone is enough to bring tears to her eyes.
     In the struggle for wholeness, we cannot leave any parts of ourselves behind. For in truth, there is a part of us forever living that trauma and that deeply affects the quality of our lives and the relationships we form with others. A certain level of bravery is required to face our fallen pieces, to see our choices, our mistakes, where we fell and where we were hurt. We all like to believe we are infallible and seeing our loss reminds us of our humanity. But those pieces deserve to enjoy freedom, to be able to step out of their confinement, because they are us and if we do not care for us...who will?
       The angel on the card is often described as being Gabriel and I feel this is appropriate. When I first worked with someone to retrieve a piece of their childhood that had been torn away by abuse, it was the image of Gabriel who wrapped his wings around the injured child and carried them from the site.
      The flag that flies from his trumpet is reminiscent of the English flag, the symbol of Saint George. Saint George was a knight who was famed for rescuing an imprisoned damsel from a dragon. While we may in our modern minds chuckle at what seems an outdated act of chivalry, there is a greater truth to the story we must consider. We must all become the knight who rescues those imprisoned pieces from the dragons of past. This world needs more than ever people who are unafraid to face their inner demons and claim their souls back. It is this call to action that Gabriel is sounding with his trumpet.
       In the Book of Revelations there is talk of seven seals and seven angels with their trumpets. These I feel are analogous with the chakras and the call to open these seals, to raise the dead from their restless slumber is to bring about a new age of wholeness after our own personal reckoning. We need more than ever to forgive ourselves for failing, for being hurt and to reject our imprisonment. The mountains are behind us and to be whole we must make peace with all our pasts.

Learning to have faith

  Faith is one of those prickly topics. It is inextricably tied up with belief and by association with religion and spirituality.
   It is a word used with scorn by skeptics and as a shield for those who lack the necessary evidence to have certainty in their views.
   Never-the-less it is absolutely necessary to have this quality in ourselves and those we trust. Life is not a science experiment that can be measured, repeated and subject to peer review. There are far too many permutations in our daily lives that we can have absolute certainty in every action we do. We must take action every day, that much is a certainty. Even not acting has consequences that cannot be measured before time.
    Faith is trusting in something even though there is not enough evidence to make it a certainty. Its opposite, doubt, is mistrusting because we lack the necessary evidence to make it a certainty. You can see they are exactly the same action but with either a negative or positive mindset attached.
    Applying doubt or faith to an external source such as a human being or a belief system is a luxury that we have the option of not choosing. But this doesn't hold true for ourselves. We must all make choices in this imperfect system without the benefit of absolute certainty. Thus we are given the choice to have faith or doubt in ourselves that we will make the best choices for our lives.
    Doubting oneself is a terrible burden, for with it carries guilt for every action that was not completed perfectly. For myself I have found that doubt has been at the root of many of my own personal recriminations. That I listened to the whispered voice of personal doubt, which makes feeling guilty so much easier. If I already doubt my choices to begin with, then guilt is so much easier to overlay.
      Trusting oneself is what lays beneath this. Without trust in oneself, it is easy to doubt...then from there to accept guilt for our choices. Fostering the goodness within us, we learn to trust and from there to have faith in ourselves and our choices even in the face of having no certainties.
      There are times when I have felt a certainty in my choices and then trusting myself becomes easier, times when I have felt totally attuned or a faultless sense of conviction in my actions. But these times are intermittent at best and you cannot live your life only from these moments. Doubts will assail us all, but only by having a faith in ourselves can we banish these imps back to the shadows.
       Recently I have had reason to doubt myself and it has caused a cascade of doubt to run through my self and to cause cracks in the walls of my convictions. It was as simple as missing a call. Working part time at the healing centre means I am on call if someone should show up and need a treatment. I missed the call by 10 minutes because I chose to take a walk and return long after it would be possible to do anything about it. It is one of those silly situations you see in movies but minimized to almost triviality, where a character doubts themselves for some consequence they feel they could have prevented by making an earlier choice differently. I know that there is no way I could have known to stay in, yet still the doubt lingers. Unlike other situations there is no-one but myself making me feel guilty.
       This guilt is made possible by my doubts. I don't doubt the bigger decisions in my life, the ones backed by righteousness, conviction or insight. I trust and have faith in my decisions on a larger scale. I know I am a good person and don't doubt I will make the right choice. It is the little everyday choices, the ones that have little or nothing resting upon them where doubt lives.
     Another incident occurred recently during my snow shovelling job. It was my first day and there was a pretty heavy snowfall I had to clear. I was working with new colleagues and it was laborious and physically demanding work. At one point I ended up working with the maintenance supervisor to clear a pathway. He is not part of my work detail, but the building's head maintenance guy so I was unsure of my hierarchical position in regards to him. He asked me to clear a certain pathway and then came back later I get the feeling to "check-up" on me. I was clearing a section of pathway that had tiny rivulets running through it and he told me that I should shovel it with the rivulets, rather than across them. I had found it made no discernible difference, yet he continued throughout the day to make tiny observations about our equipment, how much we had cleared and the time taken. My instinctive reaction was that the guy is behaving like a jackass, but my own doubts stopped me from putting a stop to the comments.
       These situations have a gravity of their own and after a multitude of minor hesitations on my part it all adds up to a major hesitation. The sense of independence, personal strength and integrity comes tumbling back down again. Realizing that a battle can be lost not through a major defeat but through steady attrition of faith in oneself makes it all the more important to stop the trickling losses.
       So the question remains. How does one learn to have faith in oneself if you are prone to self-doubt? The answer lies in trust. Trusting that you will make the right choices, even if they do not occur reflexively at first. This unconsciously doing the right thing does not immediately occur as soon as you understand it. For most of us it requires time and patience, it requires making mistakes, trusting the wrong people and being taken advantage of at first. Not everyone has a hyperactive defense system and for me coming from the position of giving people the benefit of the doubt too much...of caring and not wanting to hurt unnecessarily, it means that a mistake is the cost of learning. Over time I will get better at it, I will see the danger in the grass before stepping. I will trust my inner knowing, that gut instinct and give it credence and eventually be able to put it immediately into play.
     
     

0 - The Fool

 The Fool card begins the journey of the tarot. It is numbered zero and stands both above and before the rest of the Major Arcana. It plays a role similar to the joker in the regular decks in that it is a card that stands outside the regular numbering.
  The tarot can be seen as a journey through the Major Arcana and the Fool card represents the querent as he begins his quest. He is the innocent who begins his journey in honest naivete and is able through beginners luck to avoid the pitfalls laid before him. The hobbits in Lord of the Rings represent this kind of energy, through lack of guile and purity of heart they are able to avoid many pitfalls that should fell them. They initially leave the shire and manage through instinctual fumbling to avoid the terrible danger of the ring wraiths.
     The Fool represents both innate wisdom and purity of instinct, though not consciously manifested.
      This is a very powerful card and when it appears it indicates a level of divine providence provided one releases guile and cunning and trusts innately.
     In my own life there have been several instances when the energy of the Fool card has been instrumental in my successes. Recently I have been struggling with several issues, that seem to leave me wondering how to proceed. It is a confluence of forces and circumstances that leaves me exhausted and endlessly analyzing how to progress to no avail. Then several nights ago when I was first pondering this card I had a dream. In this dream I encountered an alien who showed me several very brightly coloured layers of a crystalline substance. These crystal layers covered the soles of the feet and to me had a somewhat unknown quality. I was trying to see them on people, but could only see them with his help, but he assured me I would be able to do so eventually.
   Although the symbolism is a little confusing, it is to do with the tension I have been feeling in the soles of my feet recently. The soles of the feet represent connection to the earth and given my financial difficulties of late, there is obviously some obstruction that I am not fully able to perceive. The energy is crystallizing, which is what happens if energy stagnates for a period of time and I need to find a way to break through this as yet unknown and invisible substance.
   What is most striking to me is the vivid colours in the dream. When I dream of very vivid colours they are always significant in a profound and spiritual way. They occur very rarely and they always indicate the areas in which I should put the main of my attention.
   When I first felt a draw to the US I had a profound dream in which I was led to a cliff side which had four very large luminous bears standing at the summit and I had to climb the treacherous cliff to reach them. This was the dream that really initiated me into being here and on this journey.  Many years later when my attempts to move to the US had failed, I was then shown another vivid dream with the Pleiades star system lit by unearthly colours. The Pleiades or the seven sisters is the first constellation to appear over the horizon in spring and that is when I decided to return to the US. All along the way my journey has been illuminated by these profound dreams and they always signal to me that spirit is on my side and I just need to step out and trust.
    In many of those instances I felt like the Fool. I was beginning a journey and only by trusting in spirit to guide my journey and protect me from the pitfalls, many of which I could not see or begin to understand.
   In the card the fool has his eyes firmly fixed on the heavens unaware or uncaring of the dangerous drop right ahead of him. He carries all his belongings in a bag over his shoulder and a white rose of pure love in his hand.  His tunic is adorned with vivid colours and depicting hearts, wheels and plant like patterns. These symbols are newly formed and do not have the strength or integrity of some of the later symbols, but are no less powerful because they are driven by innocent virtue. He is still growing yet into his fullness and this youthful energy imparts a measure of strength and protection. Upon his head sits a laurel wreath and a feather in his cap, both symbols of attainment, though he seems unaware of their existence and it is likely he wears them without understanding their meaning. He is a victor without knowledge of such, a humble champion.
    Behind him the sun shines upon him and is at his back, reinforcing his solar aspect as a yet unproven hero. The dog nipping at his heels represents his instincts which, like lassie guide him away from danger unseen. There is a foppish nature to this young youth, a fresh innocence and a belief that there can be no danger that he cannot overcome with this attitude. The thing is, because his belief is so strong and pure, at this point in the journey he is absolutely right.
    For me the appearance of this card at this time is very fortuitous. I have worried that my own desire to create a secure financial base for myself is one based on personal need alone. That I have taken "time out" from my journey to pursue this quest. Similar to a side mission in a video game...not the main story, but an irrelevant refueling event that is only slowing me down. The appearance of this dream suggests that I am actually on track and can relax into the role of the Fool and not carry all these guilt worries that I am not doing what I am "meant" to be. More than that I can fully trust the universe to help me out and not feel as though I am doing this out of selfish desire. This is the beginning of a new journey for me and stepping into that lighter, more innocent role is to my advantage, rather than carrying the burdensome concern about picking the right trail.
    The interesting aspect of the Fool card is that it exists both at the beginning of the Major Arcana, but also outside of the numbering. He doesn't have a fixed position and technically as he progresses he visits each of the Major Arcana. The journey through the tarot represents an archetypal evolution through life and each of the different experiential encounters we meet on the road. The Fool however is omnipresent and we should not leave him behind at the beginning of the journey but carry him through till the end. While we must not forget the lessons of the past, we can meet each new challenge anew as the Fool. Rather than fumbling through the book of our experiences, we must meet new challenges as the Fool, the open but humble hero with the sun at his back and his faithful hound ready to protect him from danger.
 

Breaking the cycle of guilt and blame.

  After some serious introspection inspired by my previous post (The Moon Card), I have discovered that I appeared to be involved in a cycle of guilt and blame.
    Reading up on the idea of blame, you could be forgiven for thinking that it is a terrible thing and totally without merit. But, there are many instances where blame is totally valid and denying it can have greater consequences than accepting that you feel that way. There are instances in which people have a genuine grievance against another party. It doesn't take much to imagine such a scenario, such as a theft or an unprovoked assault.  These are situations in which one individual is clearly responsible for another's suffering. There are plenty more examples that can be easily imagined and anyone who has suffered abuse at the hands of another is already familiar with this.
    For me guilt is inextricably tied up in this, it is certainly a personal situation that I am struggling with and I hope that forging my own way through this may be of benefit to others likewise seeking an understanding.
   But back to blame, we see that it is something that is passed on down the line from one person to another. It is most evident in families, where an abuse that has been enacted causes the victim to blame the perpetrator (quite correctly) for their experience. This can have long standing ramifications for the victim in that they may well continue the same type of behaviour. The problem lies in the fact that this chain can go further and further back, with each person in the chain quite rightfully blaming another for their actions.
      The now perpetrator feels guilt for their actions, but is incapable of taking responsibility as they feel they are not the true progenitors of the problem.  It stands to reason of course, who would want to take responsibility for their actions when those said actions stem from the mistreatment at the hands of another. Obviously, you can see it leads to a whole chain of people washing their hands of responsibility, yet feeling guilty for their actions which they feel powerless to resolve (i.e if only so-and-so would just take responsibility for the way they treated me, then I wouldn't behave like this).
      I am recognising my own part in the cycle of guilt and blame in my own life. I know I cannot rely on the perpetrator of my blame ever recognising and resolving it, because I feel the same way about my guilt. It all feeds back to the source. My financial insolvency links back to other situations in which I blame others, yet it causes me to treat others in the same manner I abhor. There is no gain in staying within the chain. It has a reality all of its own and the cycle perpetuates itself through external circumstances because the subconscious is programmed to repeat the same cycle until the loop is resolved.
     Trying to step out of it is a trial all in itself. Simply taking responsibility for your actions may well be part of it, but the responsibility is not all yours. There is a segment that is the perpetrators. Good luck in getting them to take that on! Even if you do take it on martyr style, your own unconscious is never going to let you get away with it and it will never be a true admission of guilt. You can ignore it, but the situations will continue to play out and the universe really isn't going to do your work for you. You can try and force the prior perpetrator to acknowledge their actions and the effect they had, but they too are likely victims of another and cannot give you true recompense.
    So what is the answer? How do we step out of this chain without relying on the shaky possibility that it will be broken in the link before us? Like anything else, the answer lies in becoming increasingly conscious. Recognising that your blame, however accurate and legitimate will not and cannot give you release. Even if your perpetrators do apologise, it will never be a true apology if they are chained to others. The only way to be free is to break the chain at the point you are at.
    The first step is acknowledging your rightful anger or emotional response. What you do feel is legitimate, even if your perpetrator would prefer you not feel that way (it brings up their feelings of guilt). So this needs to be done by oneself or in the company of a trusted confidant, one who you know will not engage in oppositional responses or invalidate your feelings. It is okay to feel this way, to know that you should not be treated badly.
    The second step is to understand that your feelings were invalidated by their guilt, that getting in touch with your anger is a way of letting yourself know that it is not right that you were treated in such a fashion. The process is for you, not for them and showing them your anger at this point would simply invalidate your feelings once more. They could do this by switching blame back to you, becoming angry in turn or other tactics to try and return the feelings of guilt that they do not wish to own (which in truth, were probably never theirs either).
    The third step is understanding that if these feelings arise again, then they represent a healthy response from yourself. The problem arose when you let their guilt invalidate your feeling response. Learning to trust your own natural emotional responses to situations is paramount. You can allow them to feel however they wish, it doesn't invalidate your feelings. You are not obliged to act in any way they want and if it makes them feel bad then that is their responsibility not yours.
    If you have been a perpetrator (and it is likely you have engaged in the same tactic somewhere else in your life) then you must be willing to accept your part of your actions. Trust your feelings, if you feel remorse over your actions then it is good to redress the balance. If you have acted badly, own up to it. Recognise that now you are free from the control of the others before you and that the cycle stops here.
    If you can truly feel, validate and trust your own feelings then these situations of blame and guilt will die away with the breaking of the chain. People will subconsciously notice that where you were once prone to guilt and blame you are no longer powerless. The situations that were once powered by this weakness will diminish and eventually completely disappear, or if they do resurface then you will remain above such attempts at manipulation.

2 of Wands. Elevated perspective.

  The 2 of Wands is about elevated perspective and taking in the bigger picture. I feel there are a few other cards that cover the idea of patience, such as the 7 of Pentacles. But this card has a slightly different take on the situation.
    The figure stands upon the crenelated battlements of a castle, gazing down upon the glob in his hand. Both instances suggest elevated perspectives, one of the globe and the other of the countryside spread out before the castle. Not only is his perspective elevated in terms of a viewpoint, but he is also physically above the landscape.
    This morning I woke up with a different perspective, one that is mirrored by this card. I woke up feeling somewhat elevated because of certain understandings I came to last night. After drawing the 10 of Wands as my last card, I felt able to let go of certain burdens I had been carrying. I shuffled the deck and drew again and again drew the 10 of Wands, I figured the odds were low for this occurring and took it to mean I wasn't fully finished with processing the lesson. I spent time talking it through with Zoe. I recounted a situation in which my ex had once accused me of putting her on a pedestal. It didn't make sense at the time, as I felt I treated her with the respect I would any person. It now occurred to me that I wasn't elevating her above normal, but actually treating her as a worthy being. It turns out now that she was not acting as one and that created the disparity.  I then shuffled the deck (even more fully than before) before the drawing the 10 of Wands a third time! At this point I left them for the evening and decided to sleep on it.
        Upon awakening I felt different. It is as though a shift occurred while I slept. Suddenly I felt as though I am worthy of all the things that have been lacking in my life. By listening to all the statements of doubt others had said about me I had internalised them. I realised that I wasn't less than those who tried to intimidate or take advantage of my good nature. I understood on a visceral level that those people are less for acting in such a way. I do believe all people are good and worthy, but only once they stand up and accept it. Before that they live out the roles they choose for themselves, myself included. It feels as those who sought to oppress me or plant doubt in me no longer have any power over me and all I feel is sadness for them. I had believed their lies that I was less, or worthy of doubt, that I should not trust my internal knowledge and listen to them instead.
       Like the figure in the card, it seems as though I am seeing the world anew. Not as something beyond me or out of my league. He stands in a position of confidence, knowing that the world or anything in it can be his. The two flowers on the crenelation are a lily and a rose, the symbols of purity and passion respectively. With the help of these there is nothing that cannot be encompassed with his elevated vision and materialised. Within his view are several castles which symbolise security and prosperity...in fact he is already stood upon one!
     He grips the first wand, showing that he is already in touch with his fiery nature and ready to bring forth his vision. The second wand is behind him and stands in reserve, firmly attached to the castle wall. This I feel symbolises that part of his fiery nature is tied up in materialisation already. He may not be aware of it, but it stands upright and ready, a reserve ready to be tapped. His orange robes are a strong contrast with the greenery beyond him and the uniformity of the colours speaks that he is firmly focused.
     The idea of rising above a situation is one that is well documented as being the best way to see one's way out or forward. In this case, it permits the figure to see the whole and make plans accordingly. In my case, the elevation was due to an understanding about the true nature of things, which then granted me a better perspective. I do actually feel greater as a person because of it and because I am no longer measuring myself by the standards of the unworthy.

10 of Wands. Co-dependency and carrying burdens.

   The 10 of Wands is the culmination of the suit of wands. Being a ten means it has reached the end and is preparing to begin again at the beginning. But looking at this card you can see he is not quite there yet and in fact seemingly has the hardest part of his task still yet to overcome.
     Yesterday I realised that I still have more than half of the deck still to go and that this task is far from done. It has not been a burden though and I enjoy finding a new relationship with each card, or reaffirming an old one.
    This card is about being overwhelmed and carrying too many staves all by oneself. I fear for this figure's back the way he is carrying all those wands. He is hunched over and can't possibly see where he is going with his face buried in the pile like that.
     I feel like this poor fellow at the moment. I have a myriad of obligations to fulfill, both to myself and to others and the burden of it is pretty heavy. It is hard to see anything but those obligations as they are right there in my face and it feels like if I can just make it to my goal of financial security I can lay all my burdens down.
   He wears a bright red tunic which symbolises his passion and the inherently physical element of carrying such a burden. His blonde hair stands in stark contrast and represents his golden aspirations. He is not carrying the staves for a selfish reason, there is a greater purpose behind his struggle. His white sleeves represent his purity and innocence in carrying all these staves. It is quite possible he is carrying the burdens of others as well as his own. This is an idea that came up in a dream I had last night.
     In my dream, in the first part I was walking along a parkway and I witnessed a woman running through the snow, she fell or dived to the ground and a car speeding up behind her drove over her and crashing into a tree. My first thought was that it was an accident, but then the driver got out of the vehicle and the two figures started to struggle over a dossier. Both pulled pistols and shot each other simultaneously. A stranger and I ran over to the scene of the struggle and realised that the dossier contained some very important secret information, there was a moment we considered fighting each other for it, but the moment passed and we silently agreed to work together. We dumped the rest of her belongings in a nearby drain and ran to a bus stop as we knew we would soon be followed.
     This first part represents coming to find some information that has been kept secret, most likely because two elements hiding the information have neutralised each other. There are four elements in all, representing the totality of my pysche. My character represents conscious awareness and the other three, given their shadowy nature are subconscious elements. A shift in the balance of power in my unconscious has meant that the other two unconscious elements have eliminated each other, leaving a conscious and an unconscious element. My moment of considering whether to fight was pivotal in the re-emergence of the information as both the remaining elements decided to work together, conscious and unconscious. The subsequent flight is a recognition that the unconscious will likely want to reclaim the possibly damaging information and the bus stop represents that information being brought to an area of mass consciousness.
      In the second part I was in an underground mechanics workshop, in which cars where being cleaned and refueled with hot water. The cars looked old and there was a suggestion I could purchase one if I desired, an offer which I was not very enthusiastic about. An old friend of mine was working there from my hostel days (I'll call him J). J was happy to see me and we began to talk about the days when we worked together. At one point during the conversation the subject turned to an ex of mine, at this point J passed a look to another of his co-workers (also an old friend of mine I believe whom I will call H). It was apparent to me that there was something unspoken passing between J and H, something not very pleasant and possibly embarrassing. Usually I would notice this and let it go, but because of recent understandings I have come to, I called them on it. It turns out that there was a lot of information on my ex that I wasn't aware of that was actually not very pleasant.
      This part actually reflects the information that came to light in the first part. The old cars being cleaned with hot water suggest that hot emotions have been scouring the old ways of thinking (cars representing means of moving consciousness).
      I awoke this morning with an unpleasant feeling in my gut and the realisation that I may have given my old ex too much of the benefit of the doubt with several situations. That she may actually have been engaged in some very unpleasant situations, of which there was no clear evidence, but only gut feelings. If this is so and I am beginning to fear that it makes a great deal of sense, then it means I have been carrying several burdens which are not really mine. It would explain a great many of her actions and reduce my own burden of guilt. It appears I may well have been carrying issues that were not my own and need to be returned to their original owner.
   The figure in the card is carrying too many burdens and this indicates we need to figure out which are really ours, or if there is a way to reduce the load somehow. The strain is breaking the back of the figure and though in many instances we wish to soldier on with our loads especially when salvation is in sight (as the castle in the background represents) it might be wiser to reduce this burden.
   It is not our responsibility to carry anyone's woes or karmic responsibility. This situation can be exacerbated in relationships, where both partners will pass off their woes to the other for them to carry on in a kind of "why don't you carry the stuff I don't want to look at and I will do the same for you!". This is the shadow side of sharing...co-dependency.
      It does have a brighter side though, if both partners can remain conscious of this effect then this sharing can be beneficial. The other partner can often be better equipped to deal with issue and so long as there is a level of conscious awareness the issues can find resolution quicker than if worked on alone. This can be a precarious balancing act and making sure one partner does not carry all the burdens alone requires a high level of awareness. For Zoe and I there are several issues that we are helping the other with and this balance can quickly become overwhelming if one person is trying to deal with all the issues at once. It is easy to want to reject the issue of the other as not being one's own, but we often forget the other might be still carrying ours! Working to create a balance of two healthy individuals should always be the end goal of such an endeavor. When this happens it is not a responsibility but a mutually beneficial gift offered by each individual. Taking such a sacrifice upon oneself, if consciously done has great karmic reward. But this must remain a gift and not an obligation otherwise resentment can blossom.
    I now recognise, thanks to my dream that some of my burdens are actually the responsibility of another and it is past due to return them. I no longer wish to suffer a burden of guilt, when the responsibility lays totally within the purview of another.