Queen of Wands. Occupying centre stage.

    The Queen of Wands is one of the brighter court cards. She represents the female aspect of fire in its ruler-ship position and that of water and fire. It is also difficult to ignore the Leo symbolism within this card, there are lions on the back of the throne along with a sunflower.
     The sunflower is also represented within the Sun card. The sunflower itself is seen as a symbol of happiness and joy. The open face of the sunflower follows the progress of the sun making it an extremely active plant.
   Whenever I get this card it is linked to strong and vivacious women, usually Leos. Leo women tend to be pretty straightforward and are able to keep a good amount of optimism throughout situations that would have the less fiery signs sobbing into their tissues.
   The queen in this card is clad in a bright yellow gown, which immediately stands out and this is the way that this queen would have it. She is a bright individual who stands out from the wallflowers and is not afraid to stand up front and take the spotlight. You may also notice the soft lavender cloak she wears over her yellow attire, you might not see this soft tender side immediately as the yellow can be so overpowering, but it is certainly there. Lavender is a soft spiritual colour linked to a higher form of feminine intuition which this lady has in spades.
     At her feet sits a black cat. Black cats are symbols of luck, both for ill and for good. Each country seems to have its own ideas on whether they are good or bad, or even if the cat has to be walking in a certain direction! In this instance I would say that the queen is lucky as the cat sits at her feet and is a further representation of the queen herself. She can be somewhat fickle and prone to chase the limelight.
    There is also a further aspect to this fiery queen, the ability to voice her thoughts on matters large and small. She fully believes in her ability to speak the truth of the matter, not in a logical and intellectual way like the Queen of Swords but in an inspired and impassioned way. She is intuitive, intelligent and somewhat psychic and her Leonine demeanor gives her the strength and courage to voice her feelings and insights. At best she can captivate and illuminate a room, at worst she can come off as condescending and rude. Her fiery spiritual nature connects her to greater and deeper truths than those of the trodden masses and she is not afraid to make sure everyone knows it.
      Being a Leo myself (albeit a male one!) I can connect to this card somewhat and it has caused me to examine a way of being that I have encountered in my life. Recently I have found need to stand up for myself a great deal more as an individual, to not take abuse active or passive. This has been all well and good but there is a further element that has until now escaped my attention.
     It seems that I have encountered a greater number of people who have the ability to drone on for extended periods without a break. Most of these individuals come across as somewhat harmless. But they do have the ability to bore a room or to get people to roll their eyes or glance at their watches once they begin. It is like they have an internal monologue that they feel the rest of the world needs to hear. Even their own eyes glaze over once they begin, like they have left their mouths running while their brain rummages through the meaningless thoughts and ideas they stored up in their mental filing cabinets. It just happens that one of these people is a Leo. Now I am aware of the irony of this and I may well have the same problem myself once I get going on a subject I believe I am informed about...but hopefully not to this degree.
    I do feel a little exposition is helpful in bring a point across...but there are limits. My problem with them is that they continue to speak regardless of the fact that the person(s) they are addressing have shut up shop and are waiting for the next available out.
    How does one get them to either stop or get to the point without hurting their feelings? What occurred to me was that if I do this, then how would I like to have my attention drawn to the matter? I settled on the simple line of "You're rambling" if they get out of control, or a sharper "Does this have a point?" if it has gone on for a significant length of time. Hopefully I can be aware and courageous enough to use a softer line earlier on as ideally this is how I would like to be brought back to the present. Sometimes the person does it long enough to start sapping your patience and your energy and it becomes harder and harder to make an effective escape. In these circumstances being harsher is totally justified as they can kill a conversation and occupy centre stage.
    I recognise my own absence of power in letting these situations over run me and then feeling trapped or powerless as they chunter on to the point in which they finally shut up and leave the room. It is a form of energy vampirism, just on a minor level and in many cases totally unconscious. Letting it continue is a form of cowardice in wanting to avoid possible conflict. Nobody wants to come across as a bad person and these individuals can often use it to their advantage as they are unlikely to be challenged for such a minor matter.
     This of course is the shadow side of the Queen of Wands and can be avoided with a little bit of courage and the strength to confront, after all they are just trying to help!   
   
     

VIII- Strength

  The Strength card is one of my favourite cards. It might just be because I feel an affinity for the card based on my Leo sun sign and its qualities reflect those I find admirable, or that I like the imagery and message it brings.
   Last night I wrote out the entire entry for Strength, but I felt there was something missing from what I had written. This morning I had a dream which will help elucidate the real message behind the card. 
    In the dream I was creating a piece of artwork, which frankly was a little bit of a mess... certainly not my best piece, even though it was destined for a showing or an examination of some kind. I was also having trouble filling out the shipping details, as I had to write around what someone else had written. The ticket was also addressed to either a Newman or Neoman, it was hard to read the writing. This type of situation is something I have had trouble with before, producing a sub-par piece of work when it really matters.
    Looking at the dream allowed me to realise, like my previous attempt at an entry here, that I was not connecting with the matter at hand. I was phoning it in. It may have been to do with the late hour, or the fact that I didn't want to come across as self-aggrandizing when discussing Strength as it relates to my own life. I have been through a great deal of situations that have required a monumental amount of inner strength and discussing my own strengths, is, paradoxically not one of my strengths. 
     I am surrounded in my life by strong people, people who have taken adversity and turned it upside down (my wife Zoe being a good example of this). Looking at many of these friends of mine, you might not see Herculean muscles or battle scarred faces, but those are not the real indicators of strength. What these people possess is a humility and a quiet dignity, they don't crow their accomplishments, nor do they rub their achievements in peoples faces. They go about their lives simply, standing up to injustice in whatever form they might meet it. They may not come out of such encounters like the mythical hero without a scratch, but the fact that they take on their problems is the real strength.
     There is a reason that you do not see a picture of a hugely muscled warrior bashing in the head of the lion with a club on this card and that is because that is not the strength that this card is talking about. Hercules is often seen as the archetypal solar hero, possessed of great strength and a huge heart. I always loved watching his show when it was on TV, it was so tongue in cheek, yet it managed to capture the core of what his strength was really about. He didn't go about picking fights with hapless individuals, he walked across the land helping those in need. His heart was his real strength, his courage and his compassion for the common man. His great physical strength was simply a tool for his head and his heart, under their loving guidance. Without his heart, he would have been no better than the monsters he vanquished, a bully and a villain. I often felt Iolaus, his companion, often showed just as much strength and courage. Like Sam Gamgee from Lord of the Rings, he played second fiddle to the hero. But these secondary characters were often much more heroic in my opinion, they didn't possess the mythic strength of the main character yet they unfailingly stood beside them and carried them when they fell. Both of these characters showed that real strength stems from the heart and not from any divine gift, or sacred duty. 
     In the card the woman gently closes the mouth of the ferocious lion, her compassion and gentleness moving him where brute strength would fail. She is a metaphor for the higher part of us, the heart and the mind which appear outwardly weak. The lion represents the emotions and the body in all its physicality, our powerful animal drives and needs. Strong without, but ultimately without inner strength. Together they form a powerful union. This union can only be achieved through kindness and compassion, our desires cannot be overmastered nor subdued (or if they are it is only a temporary victory).
    In the twelve labours of Hercules, he was given the task of cleaning out the Augean Stables. These stables were the home of 1000 head of cattle and it had not been cleaned out in 30 years. The task was meant to be humiliating and impossible, even for one with divine strength. Instead, Hercules rerouted one of the rivers so that it ran through the stables, both cleaning them out and fertilising all the farmland around the stables. In this instance, Hercules used his mind to achieve what brute force alone would never have been able to accomplish. 
     In the Crowley version of the card, it is named Lust and has a very slightly different meaning, although one I feel it is important to mention. It doesn't relate to the vice of lust, but in doing something lustily, with great vigour and desire. It relates to heartily connecting to your goal, so that with your heart and feelings behind it, the outcome is inevitable. It is a key to magickal workings, as without the power of the heart, they are simply empty rituals. Astrologically this card relates to Leo and the heart. In the Kabbalah it corresponds to the pathway between Geburah and Gedullah (mercy and severity). It indicates that strength is the balance between merciful giving and correctly applied severity. Aptly named compassion.
    Compassion is not simply mindless giving. It involves an intelligent and heartfelt understanding of what is actually necessary for an individual to move forward. Sometimes this involves giving, at other times this can involve withholding. The key being the correct application of the right action at the precise moment. It means treating the lion with care, but not allowing it to chomp on your hand. 
    This card is a powerful key. If one can apply lust, heart, compassion and bravery to ones actions then they combine to form Strength. They create the conditions for success, which are indicated by the garland of roses and the laurel wreath worn by the figure in the card. Her white robes indicates her purity and true intention of heart. 
     Strength is actually a pretty rare commodity. It requires mental fortitude and a keen understanding of self. In order to build strength in ourselves first we must understand the force that is controlling us, be it an addiction, a compulsion, a desire or a habit. Letting this force run around roaring is not strength and actually shows a lack of control and a weakness of character. Seeing our weakness is a big part of strength. It takes great strength of character to admit a weakness, especially a true weakness, not one we find is socially acceptable or that will make us appear strong by its admission. Usually these weaknesses are ugly and we don't want to face them, let alone show them to someone else and say..hey..this is part of me.

   If we can accept that this weakness is a part of us, then we have made that first step towards true strength as only with recognition can any true healing begin. Being aware of our weaknesses allows us to build on them, or understand that we are not perfect. The greatest examples of strength in overcoming adversity have begun with a recognition of an obstacle to surmount. This is the very first step.

     The next step is bravery, the strength to face it regardless of its seeming overwhelming power, to not run or hide. This is really only common sense. Hiding from a problem does not solve it and in many cases may only prolong the suffering.

     Finally we must remember compassion. We must show compassion to ourselves, to that part of us that wants to fight or run, or scream and destroy. The part that is weak and needy. We must understand that this part has a message for us and its real aim is to ally with us. Every desire has a reason for its existence and by understanding what is at the root we can free ourselves of it and add its power to our own. 

    The card is showing us that only by recognising a weakness can we make it a strength. Both the female figure and the lion have a strength and a weakness, but together each one's strength more than makes up for their individual weaknesses. 

    In my own life I have been able to apply this. I recently decided that a job I had applied for was not for me. I had been treated poorly and not given the respect I was due as a human being. My first reaction was to respond like a wounded lion, either wanting to get away from the pain or to attack the source of my anger. I was able to soothe that part of myself by waiting and listening compassionately to how I felt in the situation. Once the animalistic part of me was done roaring and felt heard and listened to, I was able to use my mind to consider how to move forward. Rather than coming from a place of feeling, I was able to clearly point out all the areas in which I had been mistreated in a measured response. I wrote back to the employer and clearly stated all the actions that were out of alignment and were unacceptable, without the emotional energy. These points included not responding to emails, not calling me when there was work and calling at 5am without any prior notice. I also stated I would not be returning and that he should treat new employees better.

     His response was that he was sorry I felt that way, which at first glance seems reasonable. But upon closer inspection I understood that I had not been talking subjectively and had simply stated facts. His email stood as a denial of my stated facts and as a protective measure for his own ego. As I did not write from an emotional space, it became clearly evident he could not accept his own actions and wanted to make it about my emotions. This would have worked wonderfully if there was a part of me questioning myself about responding when I was annoyed, but since I had left it several days and included no subjective elements I could clearly see his maneuvering. I felt no need to correct him, as it is obvious his ego would never allow him to recognise any wrongdoing on his behalf. This is a common tactic for bullies or the emotionally weak, who would rather cast doubt on your actions than examine their own. I am glad to have stood up and confronted such behaviour and I feel it is reflective of a new type of strength for me.
    
        
     

King of Wands. Transformation by fire.

 This card has been sat on my desk for almost a week while my life has taken several different turns and I had been unable to continue on with blogging. After I look at the card itself I will go into a little detail about these transitions and where I am at now.
   The King of Wands is often my card...let me explain. Each of the court cards represents a certain character type, often with an astrological aspect. My sun sign is Leo and Leo falls in several other areas in my chart. The King of Wands is representative of the fire signs and as can be seen a lion sits emblazoned on the throne just behind the King's head. Often when I do a reading and this card shows up, it symbolises for me my place in the reading or offers me some other insight.
    The King in this card appears almost to sit at the edge of his throne as if he is eager to be up and off. His gaze is fixed on the horizon and he is ready with his staff to be away and moving. As with all fire signs, sitting still is not a virtue they often readily possess and it needs to be cultivated. The little lizard at his feet is a perfect symbol of this quickness of character, never staying in one place too long and even when apparently basking can move with unnerving speed.
    This speedy motion should not be confused with a nervousness, the King has long since past cultivated a purpose and motivation for his actions. This King does not dither, he knows where he wants to be and has the drive and passion to get there. He has a burning desire to follow his passions and his purpose and that is what has him moving with alacrity. This character is not one that does well with periods of enforced waiting, especially if he feels he already has a goal on the horizon he needs to be getting to. This can be a weakness for this character, that of moving too quickly and before things are fully in motion.
   The King wears a red robe which speaks of his passion and vigour which is openly on display, the green mantle on his shoulders shows that this activity is compassionate, caring and heart based. The yellow and orange cloak he wears along with his sandstone throne all speak of his bright and upbeat nature which is openly on display. The King has no hidden motives and cannot abide duplicity, his speech is forthright and to the point.
   The throne and his cloak have symbols of both lions and salamanders covering them. The lion is a symbol of courage, strength, royalty and has great alchemical significance as it appears in several forms in the alchemical process of individuation. Its devouring qualities are highly transformative, as being devoured has the connotations of death and rebirth through a destructive breaking down and reforming of the self. Just think of the many tales of the hero being devoured or swallowed before being released at their destination (such as Jonah and the Whale). The salamander is also a symbol of transformation through rebirth in flames. Like the mythical phoenix the salamander is also birthed in the flames of purification. The phoenix must die in the fire in order to be reborn, but the salamander is immune to the fire and flame by virtue of its resilience and was reputed to be able to quench flames such was its affinity. A greater understanding of the fire signs leads to the understanding of transformation through being tempered by the fire, or re-forged.
    The phoenix is related to Scorpio and therefore rebirth through spiritual death. The lion and salamander are related to Leo and transformation through being reforged or tempered. This is a nuanced difference as it doesn't require the destruction of the prima materia to become something new, but has a regenerative quality. In layman's terms transformation through death requires the complete destruction of prior form, as being reduced to ash and a new form arising from the ash. Transformation through flame is when the destructive qualities of the flame bring out a regenerative aspect in the element...a good example being the cowardly lion in the wizard of oz. He transforms through a difficult situation which brings forth latent qualities in him, unlike the Scarecrow who has to be dismembered in order to be reborn.
   The meaning behind this of course is that the King is a much transformed individual although at some level he remains the same, his worldly travails and adventures have tempered and reformed him.
     The past and current situations in my life have definitely been such for me. I undertook a Celtic Shamanic workshop a week back and it has opened up a whole new realm of understanding for me. I have found connection to a level of grounded spirituality that has been unavailable to me for the longest time. It has connected me to my roots in way I wasn't sure was possible. Being of dual heritage, Italian and English has mostly been a boon to me, but there have been a few areas that were not all positive. I have found it hard to find my own roots without being able to call either place fully home. Having an Italian name constantly reminded me of my difference growing up. I grew up in a predominantly white area, but to label it as that would be woefully inaccurate. Growing up in England people seemed unaware of such differences, the primary differences being that of class or income. Never-the-less I was seen as a minority and not in a bad way given that the majority of Italian stereotypes are mostly positive, but instead my heritage was always dismissed when it did come up. I would hear, you aren't Italian you are English..or similar sentiments. Then on the other hand I would be expected to understand and speak Italian from others and to be familiar with the Italian way of life, or the fact that military service in Italy was a strong possibility if I ever wanted to live in Italy during my youth. Somehow I got it into my mind that my connection was somewhat faulty on the Italian side.
    But in doing this course I realised that my deep connection to all things Italian was fine and healthy, I felt more connected to Ancient Greek mythology (The south of Italy was actually part of the Greek civilization when it was thriving and it was likely that many great "Greek" thinkers actually lived there (Pythagorus definitely was!)). Instead it was my understanding of my English roots that was unsure. I will discuss this more later on a post dedicated to Celtic spirituality.
  What this did do however was cause me to question several things deeply. At the same time events in the "real" world were also picking up speed...or should I say losing momentum.  Our money diminished to zero. The job Zoe was counting on for some income continued to push back her actual start date and the jobs I have lined up are not beginning until November. For the first time in my life I went to bed hungry without any real option to do anything but hope the next day would bring new hope. The workshop had brought up lots of things to work through and I found meditating extremely difficult, so no reprieve there. Then my graphics card exploded with a loud crack putting my computer out of commission. I was able to use Zoe's little laptop to check mail, but was unable to continue blogging or using the internet. Facebook also decided that it wasn't going to give me any updates or emails for 3 or 4 days (I didn't realise this until they all arrived at once).
     Luckily my family came to our rescue and have gifted us with enough money to make it through the next week or so and for me to start providing healing treatments at a local business once I drum up some clients.
     This card really does symbolise how I feel...ready to go. I feel as though I am sat at the edge of my seat, ready to go forward, but unable to until November. I am hoping that these situations are bringing out qualities in me that will transform me into a better person. We have certainly been through a fire and chewed up by our situation, we just hope it will spit us out somewhere positive!
   
 

Queen of Cups. Pandora's box and emotions.

   When I first drew this card I felt relatively nonplussed by this card and unconnected to the figure or the symbolism of the card. After a day of introspection on the card its meaning for me became very clear and actually held the key to a problem I have struggled with for some time. Before I get into the depth of my own personal interaction I want to take you through the general meaning and symbolism of the card.
        The Queen of Cups is the embodiment of watery emotion, connected to the astrological water signs Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. She sits upon her stone throne with a sea view, yet her gaze is fastened upon the strange chalice she bears in her hands. All the court cards in the suit of cups creep closer and closer to the water, until the King of Cups sits above it. Here the Queen sits at the waters edge, the tide lapping at her feet.
        Coloured stones lay at her feet in subdued reds, greens and blues. The throne she sits on is decorated with motifs of watery looking merfolk. The one above her head gazes upon her with an angry look on his face, the one behind her appears disinterested and the one on the side appears happy with his catch. These tiny elementals show the fickle temperament of the water signs, happy, then sad, then angry. All the water signs are at the mercy of their inner ocean, their emotions moving like the tides and never still. Even the solid looking throne is sat at the edge of the sea, ready to be submerged should the tides rise. The cliffs behind her, solid as they are, can still be eroded by the constant movement of the water.
         The Queen herself wears an ornate crown, which seems to match the even more ornate cup she holds. She wears a plain white dress with simple stitching up the side and a cloak with a water like pattern on the side. There is a level of innocence and purity about the Queen, as if she was not meant for all the harshness of the world and her clothing represents that watery nature in its pastel hues. There is a pale violet clasp at her throat which shows that there is a connection to a deeply intuitive knowing to which she is able to give voice.
      Of most interest is the expression upon her face, which appears to encapsulate sadness, disappointment, wonder and longing as she looks upon the cup. The cup itself appears of a fearsome design and what at first can be mistaken to be sharp talons, actually appear to be angels on closer inspection. This I feel represents the apparently cruelty and fickleness of the ocean and the incisive intuitive nature of the water signs (Scorpio....I am looking at you in particular) which can be either healing or damaging. The Queen ponders this golden contraption in her hand as if it may contain either the answers to all secrets or cruel horrors to be unleashed upon the world, or like Pandora's box...both.
     For me the Chalice is what draws my eye most in this card. It represents the secret, the unknown mystery of the emotionally complex woman. For all her apparent innocence, she holds in her hands a great key, that of  emotional insight. This emotional insight can be a terrible thing to unleash, or a beautiful gift and the Queen has the unenviable task of trying to figure this out before delving into her own depths and opening her feelings up to the world.
     We spent the day at a lake walking along the waters edge and finding clams, crawdad scraps and fishing lures. It seemed a good place to contemplate the Queen of Cups and it really felt as though we were walking along a beachfront, albeit a cold windy one. This strange synchronicity is just one of the many I am encountering on a daily basis as I explore the tarot and my own understandings of the cards.
      This card for me, has opened it's own Pandora's box and I wish to share some emotional events from my own past. When I look upon the card, it reminds me of my own mother, who happens to be Cancerian and prone to their very sensitive but emotional natures. Typically a Cancer is particularly driven by their emotional mood swings and becomes more overwhelmed by them than arguably any other sign. My mother embodies all the elements of this card, she is very sensitive and intuitive, kind, compassionate and loving. She is capable of feeling all emotions fully and deeply and anyone around her cannot help but feel them through her.
    When I was relatively young, my parents (both Cancerians) went through a particularly difficult financial period that lasted late into my teenage years. They did their best to shield us from seeing the worst of it and always made sure the home was a comfortable place to be and that we lacked nothing of creature comforts.
    Yet, there was one thing they could not shield me from which was their own disappointment in how things had turned out for them. The sadness and disappointment in the air was always tangible as it is around a Cancerian. For a young Leo, searching for encouragement and attention I felt living in this cloud of disappointment was very difficult for me and I internalised a great deal of it. I grew to feel that it was me they were disappointed in, for what young child can differentiate between what they feel and what their parents are feeling? For me seeing my own mother in a place of suffering that I could do nothing about gave me a deep sense of powerlessness.
   This carried across for me, for as soon as I was able I started to fulfill that disappointment myself. My grades soon dropped below average and I felt a constant disappointment to both my teachers and my parents. I can recall the disappointed looks on the faces of my teachers and parents when I arrived at parent's evenings when they would ask why I was not performing as well as someone of my intelligence was obviously capable of.
    I now realise that this sense of failure and disappointing others comes really only from my own ill-conceived  perceptions as a child. I know my parents are proud of me and spoken to me of such feelings and that what I picked up was simply their quite understandable feelings at the time. With this realisation comes a sense of liberation from this and the knowledge that I am capable and do not need to let myself or anyone else down. Not that I consciously did this, but this underlying belief is strong enough to cause problems with confidence in anyone.
   I am choosing to let go of the old belief that I am a disappointment and embrace the knowledge that I am capable and competent and that there are people in my life who are proud to know me.
 

XIX- The Sun

 I pulled The Sun card from the deck over the weekend, but I was finding it difficult to connect to the energy of the card. I have given it a few days for my mind to mull it over since I didn't want to write about the card without being able to feel attuned to it.
    The Sun card is all about happiness, happiness that comes from within and ideally from the heart. There is no dark side to this card, it is playfulness, innocence and openness. It is about being so happy that you can't help but smile, days in the sun and being a child in the purest sense. The child riding the horse, shows mastery over its baser instincts but in a way that is entirely different to the mastery that is shown in other cards with riding figures. The horse is happy to be carrying the child and both of them are involved in play. The nakedness and open arms of the young child show a comfort with where it and who it is, that borne of a lack of self-conscious anxiety you see in small children at play.
     The wall behind the child protects the innocence and provides a safe sanctuary for play, but does not block the rays of the sun. The card has a connection to Leo and its ruler the Sun. The Sun itself has 22 rays that spring forth from it which symbolise the 22 paths of the Kabbalah, the wavy and straight rays can be seen as representing masculine and feminine energies.
   The card talks of the emerging of the new born spiritual life which is free of restriction and restraint, full of joy and innocence. In this the sun represents the heart, the centre of one's spiritual life in its full majesty. The flag the child carries represents a victory similar to the feeling present in the 6 of wands, one brought about by the successful emergence of inner joy represented by the child within.
   What this card has reminded in me is the feeling itself, that joy needs to be present in life, for without joy...there is no life. Much the same as the vital service the sun provides for all living things. For me it is a signal to remove all veils to that inner happiness, all the clouds in the heart that may obscure the inner light.
    When I drew this time I could not connect to that inner joy and it has taken a few days to find the factors that have obscured that in my life. That the card represents Leo was another factor that vexed me given that this is my own Sun sign....I felt I should immediately be able to connect to it!
    Then I was moved to recall the first time I really felt the presence of the energy behind the Sun card. It occurred many years ago and I was talking a walk through the town in which I was living at that time in Arizona. It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining and the birds were singing, everything seemed in right in my self and I realised that I was happy. I was able to smile spontaneously by letting this energy rise up in me, not by forming a smile as I had always done before. It was as though I could take this inner light and let it shine out of me and the smile was a consequence of that action.
    As of right now, I can somewhat sense this light, but it is not strong enough to shine out just yet. Somehow it has become covered and the Sun card has done its job by showing me that it is so. The veil that covers the Sun for me is the restrictions I have let be placed over my heart, or indeed have placed there myself. Either for the sake of survival or through fear, but now I know that they are there I can ask for the strength to banish them.