Forgiveness and releasing grudges

  Last night I had a dream. In the dream I found myself in a village and in the village centre I saw all the townsfolk at war with each other. At first I wondered why they would be fighting and then I saw the cause. Above them hovered a gigantic spectral skull and I knew that they fought because of this apparition.  I knew that if I could vanquish this spectre then the people would be free and would no longer turn upon their neighbours. So I gave chase to the skull and used a bow and arrows that had appeared in my hands to try and destroy it. Each time I was about to deliver the final blow it would round a corner and I would not be able to line up a shot. At this point I awoke from sleep the skull still at large.
    Now you may wonder what this has to do with forgiveness and grudges, but stay with me and it will become apparent.
    Many years ago I my trust in a dear friend was betrayed. This single event has been a catalyst for me in coming to terms with many great and difficult issues for me. From this I have learned to get in touch with my anger and to understand what it is to stand up for one's own integrity. Her subsequent disappearance forced me to deal with this on an internal level since it could not play itself out in the world. Forgiveness has been out of reach for me and an earlier acceptance would have meant an avoidance of those very aspects which had caused the situation in the first place.
   Yet I find that I do not have a complete sense of peace in my heart. I doubt that the person in question will ever come forward and apologise. So is my sense of peace dependent on the fickleness of another? Forgiveness has always come easy to me until now and I had never known it was so easy because my sense of self worth and integrity had allowed my feelings to be walked upon without raising an objection. How much more difficult it becomes once one has stood for their own worth.
    One of the most difficult pieces of the puzzle is how to let go without going backwards, without offering acceptance for behaviour I know is un-acceptable. Yet without a form of acceptance there is no peace. How does one go forward in love without losing self worth and integrity or lining oneself up for repeat situations?
  In the dream the people war with one another because of this spectre of the past. I let it escape because of my own fears of what will occur once it no longer exists.
   I know that I don't wish to wait till judgement day to find my peace once more..it is too long a wait. It surely cannot rest upon the acquiescence of another even if one hopes for that. I read on forgiveness yesterday and was struck my several accounts of forgiveness. One was a priest who was beaten daily for his faith and he had advised that one must forgive entirely, that not one shred must be left. Another stated that you must forgive so entirely that the other must be allowed to save face and you cannot hold anything against them, not in word, action, attitude or posture. Visualising this for me caused me a great deal of difficulty, how so much I want the other to understand the damage done. Yet while I do this they still posses an element of power over me.
   It seems that forgiveness is the only way to fully release that, to return to my power in love. Yet one must also hold to one's course, to one's boundaries or all is lost and the lesson is lost. This situation also holds true for other situations in which grudges are held. Holding out for an acknowledgement from one who is unrepentant, unaware or unwilling is a fool's errand. This process is a delicate one and requires that each step along the road must be taken in fullness and not bypassed because one understands where the final step lays. Going through the anger, the pain and all the scars is necessary to grow as fully as possible. Any little left uncleansed remains with us and arriving at forgiveness prematurely is just as dangerous as never arriving at all.
   I have been arriving at that place in myself in which I can feel love for those that have wronged me, yet be able to see, free of judgement that they are damaged and not feel the need to push that upon them. Each person is necessarily at a different point and for some no less than exclusion is necessary to maintain my boundaries comfortably. Others I could allow back into my life if they wished it so, with loving conditions. There is a teasing apart of all that comprises each relationship and understanding where the boundaries need to lay and it is a process that has to rely only on my own inner authority.
   

Ace of Swords. Standing up for truth.

     All of the Aces stand at the beginning of their own suit of elements. The Ace of Swords represents the element of air, of thought and mentality. It is a new beginning an influx of primal unsullied air energy being ushered into our lives.
      The suit of swords is often given a rather unfair descriptor of being one of the more negative suits. True, it does include a greater number of cards that seem outwardly negative, but without this element things would be a whole lot worse.
     The card depicts a large glowing sword being thrust forward, held by a divine hand emerging from a cloud. Swords themselves really only have one purpose...cutting. This purpose can be applied in several different ways and it can certainly be used for harm or evil purposes. Because of the fearsome power of the sword, this makes people afraid of it. But this awesome power can also be used for good and its power rightfully then belongs in the hands of those who would use it for that.
     The crown atop the sword is an indicator of its primacy, that it is used for rulership, hanging from the crown are two branches. One is an olive branch, the other a palm leaf. These two plants signify the dual nature of the sword. The olive branch is a symbol of peace, while the palm is traditionally a symbol of the successful vanquishing of the enemies of the soul. Often this was viewed in the context of spirit vs flesh, but I feel have moved past that archaic dichotomy. It truly symbolises spirit vs the misuse of power.
       The white and purple surrounding the card are symbolic of higher energies, typically those emerging from the crown chakra. That of universal mind. It suggests that this energy is in the employ of higher service.
        The Ace of swords represents the use of the intellect in the service of the highest good, that of universal mind. Too often the good are afraid of their own power and fail to utilise their own innate strength for fear of being like those who use their strength for misguided aims. This card is the pure essence of mentality and showing that it truly belongs in the hands of the good and if they do not grasp it, they cannot prevent its misuse.
      I have realised in my own life that not being prepared to use force to defend the good allows evil to triumph. That in itself is an evil. "All that is required for evil to triumph, is that good men do nothing". There is often a great fear that by accepting power it will immediately corrupt any goodness. But only the good will hold this thought in their minds as they wield power and be on constant guard for its misuse, both within themselves and in others. That is why it must be used by those who would call themselves goodly.
     Recently I have had to use this energy to create a new space in my life. I have had to accept that being brutally honest within communication sometimes is the only way to protect goodness. I have felt deep in my gut that something is wrong and I have used my intellect to find its root and to sever it without guilt or qualms. Just as a doctor may need to apply the scalpel to a cancer, any less measure than eradication is only going to allow the cancer to flourish. There is nothing inherently evil about this, even if it is a process that seems painful and severe.
     Talking with a couple of friends last night this conversation came up. A friend talked about several guys she knew who were too "nice" to complain about their food at a restaurant. Instead they griped and moaned rather than applying their power to change anything. This passive aggressive behaviour is not really good or nice. It causes those around them to suffer their petulance and creates an air of discomfort. By not grasping the power of truth and applying it, they perpetuate an evil...albeit a very minor one in this case. Aggressively pursuing truth is not an evil. By alerting a server to the inadequacy of the meal, they are doing themselves and the restaurant a service.  This of course is a minor example, but where someone fails in a minor way, they are not going to succeed in something major. Using the excuse that they are nice to not complain is merely covering up a personal weakness. Often they are afraid of any greater confrontation and the appearance of aggression.
      Applying aggression in the cause of goodness or right is not bad, in fact it is a greater level of goodness than mere passivity. But only when it is applied for the right cause. If you are not sure it is right, then do not use this power. Trust your gut and your heart, find what is wrong. Reason it out, find the best, most efficient and compassionate way to resolve it and apply your power. It may well involve cutting through someone's ego. That person may react as though you have cut them, but if you have followed your gut, applied your instinctual knowing you can be sure it is for the good.
     Allowing someone to use their ego to diminish or make another suffer is not a good action. That person may believe they are not hurting anyone else or that they are just being themselves. But people are not their egos. They are not their bad behaviour. Cutting this away may seem painful to them, but sometimes it is necessary. We all secretly love those who can speak openly and not stand for bad behaviour. That is a power we all have, one we should all be unafraid to embody. Imagine the good that could be done if people all stood up for their truth.

VIII- Strength

  The Strength card is one of my favourite cards. It might just be because I feel an affinity for the card based on my Leo sun sign and its qualities reflect those I find admirable, or that I like the imagery and message it brings.
   Last night I wrote out the entire entry for Strength, but I felt there was something missing from what I had written. This morning I had a dream which will help elucidate the real message behind the card. 
    In the dream I was creating a piece of artwork, which frankly was a little bit of a mess... certainly not my best piece, even though it was destined for a showing or an examination of some kind. I was also having trouble filling out the shipping details, as I had to write around what someone else had written. The ticket was also addressed to either a Newman or Neoman, it was hard to read the writing. This type of situation is something I have had trouble with before, producing a sub-par piece of work when it really matters.
    Looking at the dream allowed me to realise, like my previous attempt at an entry here, that I was not connecting with the matter at hand. I was phoning it in. It may have been to do with the late hour, or the fact that I didn't want to come across as self-aggrandizing when discussing Strength as it relates to my own life. I have been through a great deal of situations that have required a monumental amount of inner strength and discussing my own strengths, is, paradoxically not one of my strengths. 
     I am surrounded in my life by strong people, people who have taken adversity and turned it upside down (my wife Zoe being a good example of this). Looking at many of these friends of mine, you might not see Herculean muscles or battle scarred faces, but those are not the real indicators of strength. What these people possess is a humility and a quiet dignity, they don't crow their accomplishments, nor do they rub their achievements in peoples faces. They go about their lives simply, standing up to injustice in whatever form they might meet it. They may not come out of such encounters like the mythical hero without a scratch, but the fact that they take on their problems is the real strength.
     There is a reason that you do not see a picture of a hugely muscled warrior bashing in the head of the lion with a club on this card and that is because that is not the strength that this card is talking about. Hercules is often seen as the archetypal solar hero, possessed of great strength and a huge heart. I always loved watching his show when it was on TV, it was so tongue in cheek, yet it managed to capture the core of what his strength was really about. He didn't go about picking fights with hapless individuals, he walked across the land helping those in need. His heart was his real strength, his courage and his compassion for the common man. His great physical strength was simply a tool for his head and his heart, under their loving guidance. Without his heart, he would have been no better than the monsters he vanquished, a bully and a villain. I often felt Iolaus, his companion, often showed just as much strength and courage. Like Sam Gamgee from Lord of the Rings, he played second fiddle to the hero. But these secondary characters were often much more heroic in my opinion, they didn't possess the mythic strength of the main character yet they unfailingly stood beside them and carried them when they fell. Both of these characters showed that real strength stems from the heart and not from any divine gift, or sacred duty. 
     In the card the woman gently closes the mouth of the ferocious lion, her compassion and gentleness moving him where brute strength would fail. She is a metaphor for the higher part of us, the heart and the mind which appear outwardly weak. The lion represents the emotions and the body in all its physicality, our powerful animal drives and needs. Strong without, but ultimately without inner strength. Together they form a powerful union. This union can only be achieved through kindness and compassion, our desires cannot be overmastered nor subdued (or if they are it is only a temporary victory).
    In the twelve labours of Hercules, he was given the task of cleaning out the Augean Stables. These stables were the home of 1000 head of cattle and it had not been cleaned out in 30 years. The task was meant to be humiliating and impossible, even for one with divine strength. Instead, Hercules rerouted one of the rivers so that it ran through the stables, both cleaning them out and fertilising all the farmland around the stables. In this instance, Hercules used his mind to achieve what brute force alone would never have been able to accomplish. 
     In the Crowley version of the card, it is named Lust and has a very slightly different meaning, although one I feel it is important to mention. It doesn't relate to the vice of lust, but in doing something lustily, with great vigour and desire. It relates to heartily connecting to your goal, so that with your heart and feelings behind it, the outcome is inevitable. It is a key to magickal workings, as without the power of the heart, they are simply empty rituals. Astrologically this card relates to Leo and the heart. In the Kabbalah it corresponds to the pathway between Geburah and Gedullah (mercy and severity). It indicates that strength is the balance between merciful giving and correctly applied severity. Aptly named compassion.
    Compassion is not simply mindless giving. It involves an intelligent and heartfelt understanding of what is actually necessary for an individual to move forward. Sometimes this involves giving, at other times this can involve withholding. The key being the correct application of the right action at the precise moment. It means treating the lion with care, but not allowing it to chomp on your hand. 
    This card is a powerful key. If one can apply lust, heart, compassion and bravery to ones actions then they combine to form Strength. They create the conditions for success, which are indicated by the garland of roses and the laurel wreath worn by the figure in the card. Her white robes indicates her purity and true intention of heart. 
     Strength is actually a pretty rare commodity. It requires mental fortitude and a keen understanding of self. In order to build strength in ourselves first we must understand the force that is controlling us, be it an addiction, a compulsion, a desire or a habit. Letting this force run around roaring is not strength and actually shows a lack of control and a weakness of character. Seeing our weakness is a big part of strength. It takes great strength of character to admit a weakness, especially a true weakness, not one we find is socially acceptable or that will make us appear strong by its admission. Usually these weaknesses are ugly and we don't want to face them, let alone show them to someone else and say..hey..this is part of me.

   If we can accept that this weakness is a part of us, then we have made that first step towards true strength as only with recognition can any true healing begin. Being aware of our weaknesses allows us to build on them, or understand that we are not perfect. The greatest examples of strength in overcoming adversity have begun with a recognition of an obstacle to surmount. This is the very first step.

     The next step is bravery, the strength to face it regardless of its seeming overwhelming power, to not run or hide. This is really only common sense. Hiding from a problem does not solve it and in many cases may only prolong the suffering.

     Finally we must remember compassion. We must show compassion to ourselves, to that part of us that wants to fight or run, or scream and destroy. The part that is weak and needy. We must understand that this part has a message for us and its real aim is to ally with us. Every desire has a reason for its existence and by understanding what is at the root we can free ourselves of it and add its power to our own. 

    The card is showing us that only by recognising a weakness can we make it a strength. Both the female figure and the lion have a strength and a weakness, but together each one's strength more than makes up for their individual weaknesses. 

    In my own life I have been able to apply this. I recently decided that a job I had applied for was not for me. I had been treated poorly and not given the respect I was due as a human being. My first reaction was to respond like a wounded lion, either wanting to get away from the pain or to attack the source of my anger. I was able to soothe that part of myself by waiting and listening compassionately to how I felt in the situation. Once the animalistic part of me was done roaring and felt heard and listened to, I was able to use my mind to consider how to move forward. Rather than coming from a place of feeling, I was able to clearly point out all the areas in which I had been mistreated in a measured response. I wrote back to the employer and clearly stated all the actions that were out of alignment and were unacceptable, without the emotional energy. These points included not responding to emails, not calling me when there was work and calling at 5am without any prior notice. I also stated I would not be returning and that he should treat new employees better.

     His response was that he was sorry I felt that way, which at first glance seems reasonable. But upon closer inspection I understood that I had not been talking subjectively and had simply stated facts. His email stood as a denial of my stated facts and as a protective measure for his own ego. As I did not write from an emotional space, it became clearly evident he could not accept his own actions and wanted to make it about my emotions. This would have worked wonderfully if there was a part of me questioning myself about responding when I was annoyed, but since I had left it several days and included no subjective elements I could clearly see his maneuvering. I felt no need to correct him, as it is obvious his ego would never allow him to recognise any wrongdoing on his behalf. This is a common tactic for bullies or the emotionally weak, who would rather cast doubt on your actions than examine their own. I am glad to have stood up and confronted such behaviour and I feel it is reflective of a new type of strength for me.
    
        
     

Knight of Cups. Idealism and the Holy Grail.

  The Knight of Cups is one of the court cards that I feel a connection to. This connection may lay somewhat in my past, but this card still holds a resonance for me.
    The Knight in the card reminds me of the Grail legends, of one of King Arthur's Knights. He has an air of chivalry and romance about him, dressed in armour of old bearing a chalice before him.
   In the legends, each of the Knights of the round table was charged with seeking the Holy Grail and returning to King Arthur's court at Camelot. Now depending on which legend you read, several of the Knights were successful in their quest to retrieve the Grail. These are typically Galahad, Percival and Gawain (although Bors was accounted to have witnessed it).
   Regardless, the idea of the virtuous knight on a holy quest is what resonates with this card and the figure therein. When I was younger, this archetype held a great deal of resonance. I am not sure if many boys still imagine themselves to be goodly knights, but it was the ideal that I looked up to.
   The idea of chivalry and good conduct, of virtue and honour was something I felt very deeply. I loved the stories and for me they represented the paragon of the male ideal. Someone strong, brave and powerful, but only willing to apply that to a virtuous cause.
     The knight in the card is astride a white charger, a symbol of innocence and virtue and he pauses before a river. The water shows that this is a sensitive individual, one given to dreaming of white knights and princesses...an idealist. The fishes on his tabard relate to dreams and this individual has a very active dream life, which he wears proudly.
     One element to note is that the knight has no weapons and rides only bearing the cup of his emotions. He rides for love alone and that he believes is all he needs. He is no cynic and he wears his heart on his sleeve, ready to trust and even to lay down his life for another if necessary. The wings upon his armour relate to the element of air and thus to intellect. While he may carry no sword, he is armoured as he understands that the world may not be able to live up to his ideals.
     The chalice itself is a holy vessel and relates to the sacred feminine. The quest for the holy grail was nothing other than a quest to find completion for the male aspect in ascendance. The attainment of the Grail was a symbol of the integration of the sacred feminine. As a result this character is in touch with his female side and while others may feel this makes him weak, it actually makes him whole.
    He is still a young knight though and this card relates more to the story of Percival the first time he finds the grail. In this tale, the young knight Percival is tasked by the dying king to find the grail so that he can restore the land that has been blighted. At the beginning of his journey the young knight finds the grail at a castle, but doesn't recognise it for its holiness and as a result is unable to obtain it. Once he leaves the castle, it promptly vanishes and the knight realises his error. The rest of the tale is of his quest to find his way back to the castle and retrieve it having many adventures along the way. He does succeed in the end and manages to return the land to virility and fullness, but only after a stretch of long arduous years.
       The knight has not reached maturity yet and although his ideals are true, they are untested in the world. The grail legends are actually an initiatory journey for the masculine spirit of the west, mirroring the journey each man needs to pass through before he can become whole. Many men never even begin their quest for understanding, a great deal are lost after achieving their initial goal and cannot bear to think they had the answer in their hands, but some do find wholeness and this is the path they take. These stories hold many keys to understanding the archetypal trials that every man must face in order to find wholeness. There are also such stories for women such as Beauty and the Beast and Cinderella which continue to live on and inspire.
    For me the card brings back my idealistic past, of how I believed the world could won through love alone. That one only needed high ideals and great moral fortitude in order to change the world. That part of me still lives on, but he is wiser now and has faced a great number of trials. Maybe at some point I will still be able to deliver the grail to the king and bring back vitality to the land.
    It is easy to become jaded, to be a cynic, to see life as nothing but dry and desiccated. These are the lost ones on the road, who have given up their quest and wait for be proven right as they are swallowed by their own empty oblivions. I still believe in magic and in hope, for without belief in these then there is no chance we will ever find them in our lives.
     

Giving the benefit of the doubt

  Relaxing in the bath and musing over the events of the day I had a little Eureka moment of my own.
  What I had been musing on was a phrase I tend to use often which is "giving someone the benefit of the doubt". I hadn't really considered this phrase before even though I use it fairly regularly and it has become a dictum by which I try and live my life.
   The dictionary defines it as "to believe something good about someone, rather than something bad, when you have the possibility of doing either". I tend to do this as a matter of course, believing it to be a fair and gentlemanly way to conduct oneself. Lately however I have a feeling that this modus operandi is not working in my favour.
    If I am unbalancing the scales in someone's favour, then it can hide all number of deceits that individual may perform. Surely fairness is better than offering a skewed scale, even if it is one that would seem to favour peaceful resolution (and possible conflict avoidance). Provided that the individual never tips the scale beyond a certain point, then it is likely I will not do anything to redress the balance.
   The maxim certainly doesn't seem very effective when the person in question is someone who tends to operate by sowing doubt about their actions. By creating a reasonable doubt they can hide all number of ills, when my gut is telling me the opposite.
    I have begun to consider that people who sow doubts, especially in yourself are usually up to no good. The margin of error I give them may well be the inch of rope I hang myself with. Most actual reasonable people do not give regular reason to doubt them or their motives and if they do they are more than willing to come clean and unashamedly open themselves up to scrutiny.
    This of course only needs to occur when a person gives you a reason to doubt them or their motives and if they prove themselves to be true, then an apology is often unnecessary.
      In my own life and the life of people around me recently I have seen a slew of people trying to shift blame and to place seeds of doubt in others. This is especially effective if the victim has a strong sense of conscience as a highly conscientious person does not wish to be placing blame on another without sufficient evidence. The people involved in doing so have used a number of different tactics to achieve their aims such making the victim responsible for their own bad treatment, creating a sense of reasonable doubt, asking for evidence and many other tactics.
    Zoe and I have recently been watching a slew of crime shows from the obsessive compulsive Monk, to the little Belgian (Poirot) and our recent pleasure is Castle. One thing I have gleaned from the shows is that when the murderer starts talking about evidence he is clearly guilty of something. The detectives in the shows cannot afford to give the benefit of the doubt as reasonable doubt plays into every situation they are in. Of course at the end, evidence is necessary to create the case and put the guy/girl away, but they seek evidence from all parties, including the innocent parties. If this is obstructed then there is a reason to be suspicious.
    Often in my life I find that I am easily thrown off by a profession of innocence or a person creating doubt, rather than a lack of a evidence. In fact I would go so far as to say I ignore evidence to make things fit into a situation in which there will be no wrongdoing.
   Maybe this comes from my belief that all people at their core are good. This I do feel truly, even if the person is not aware of it, but I have failed to take into account that the person who feels that way will act in accordance with their beliefs. If a person believes that they are bad, that the universe is unfair or that they have to get one up on others to survive, they will act in accordance with this regardless of whether it is true or false. They will seek to perpetuate their belief systems because they believe them to be true. I can't rely on that core level of goodness to help me out, because that person is not in touch with that element of themselves. I am not here to prove them wrong, but I can take steps to avoid being stung by such pessimists by recognising their ability to act in accordance with their core beliefs regardless of their veracity.
    This little insight into human behaviour has just given me the ability to look at situations without a bias towards the positive..which believe it or not...is a positive thing!
   
 
 

5 of Swords. Bullying and intimidation.

 I didn't actually draw this card from the deck, but I feel it is time to confront the issues that this card pertains to rather than passively waiting for its turn. I had a dream last night about one of the cards, but the image of the card was unclear. All I could make out was that there was a single primary figure facing left, searching through my deck I found the five of swords and it all made sense.
   The five of swords is not the most pleasant card to find and the issues it talks about make me feel uncomfortable. Last year about this time I encountered a very difficult situation in my personal life. A former close friend and partner entered my life again after walking out on our friendship five years prior. She had left abruptly with no explanation and cut all contact, both with me and all her supposedly good friends here, telling us not to seek contact. We had been extremely close and I had counted her among my most valuable friends, so her subsequent leaving without explanation hit me extremely hard and there had been no way to gain closure on the situation. When she came back, she decided that she would stay at the place I worked at, yet didn't seem interested in making contact. I had hoped she was trying to reconcile things from her past, or at least foster some kind of understanding of what had happened. This wasn't the case.
    For me, it brought up a great deal of ill feeling towards her. I had been treated abominably and was expected to put it all behind me and just greet her as though she had just popped out to pick up some milk and had gotten a little delayed. Feeling overcome with rage and anger I made the choice not to meet with her, since I didn't feel like I would be able to control my actions or my emotions and didn't want to risk being damaged again (or damaging her!). Plus, she had chosen my workplace as a her chosen venue to stay so losing my cool while working was not a good idea. I did take the opportunity to explain all my feelings in a letter which I had delivered to her. Of course she didn't reply, nor did she attempt to salve any of the hurt feelings. It became obvious that I had badly misjudged her in believing she would act in a responsible or compassionate manner.
   For the year afterwards I allowed myself to get in touch with my rage and my anger, I left situations I found intolerable and let go of "friendships" that suffered from the same lack of concern or basic human empathy.
   It seems like things are coming around full circle for me as I realise that I cannot simply avoid such situations as they are constantly cropping up in life. Avoidance might be a better way to deal with abuse than taking it, but it is still far from optimal.
    The card itself is about one-upmanship, those smug fools who spar with words and emotions and take advantage of situations for their own selfish ends. In the card the figure at the right of the card appears to have vanquished his foes, either through unkind words or through mental sparring indicated by the swords. He collects his winnings in the form of the swords he is picking up from the ground. He is garbed in green and red, two highly contrasting colours mixing growth and passion. I feel this symbolises his aggressive stance towards winning at all costs. Ruthlessness and naked ambition are his tools and he doesn't care about who he hurts to get his way. This may be because he has been hurt by traumatic events, or because he enjoys feeling powerful by dominating those he feels threaten his position. None-the-less all of his actions come from a position of weakness and not strength.
      The two figures he has vanquished are garbed in yellow which is linked to the idea of cowardice. They have either lain down their swords or been beaten in the fighting. Either way the situation has not gone their way and the energy is left in imbalance with feelings of either resentment or regret.
    All conflicts end up in this fashion if followed through to their logical conclusion. This is a mental battle ground and the "victor" is the one that leaves with the energy. Ever notice how if you win in an argument you feel energised and when you lose you feel defeated and drained? This is to do with a literal energy exchange between the energy fields. Some people need to supplement their energy by arguing and there are those who know of no other way. Having grown up in a turbulent environment, or with people who regularly practise this form of energy exchange they learn to feel it is natural.
    As you can see in the card the backdrop shows a stormy sky and a melancholy sea. These indicate the feeling that accompany such situations, sadness, loss, regret on the side of the loser and smugness, arrogance and cruelty on the side of the winner. They are both sides of the same coin and the victor feels he must protect himself from being a loser and feeling the way they do, so he takes an aggressive stance and initiates battle before he is victimised.
    The card itself is highly polarised, offering only two possibilities. Either you are a aggressive victor dominating the situation, or you're a submissive loser who hides in shame or burns with resentment and regret.
   Like many of the cards that seem to offer only two unsatisfactory options, there is often a third option that holds the pathway to correct resolution. I have been on both sides and both feel equally unbalanced and unpleasant. I have taken the path of avoidance more than I have the aggressors path though and as a result I have still had to deal with this type of energy when it arises, but from the standpoint of a victim.
   I don't wish to be a victim to these sorts of situations any longer. During the period when I was really feeling the rage and anger arise, I took myself out of a lot of situations in which I could have easily turned into the aggressor. Being aggressive has a feeling of righteousness attached, but it still comes from a place of deep hurt and that hurt will only be spread to others if you act while in that space. For me it is difficult to adopt that standpoint and remain in good with my conscience.
    Trying to find the right level of response is key and mastering your anger is paramount. It is very easy to flip from one side of the coin to the other, from being a victim to being an aggressor. The only way out of this energy is to maintain your cool and deal from a higher point of awareness. This is much easier said than done, especially if another is pressing your buttons or abusing you mentally or verbally.
   With me I find it easy to get pulled into the victim mindset wanting to avoid the conflict that may already be occurring. I give the aggressor the benefit of the doubt, when they are often not deserving of it. I lose my ability to find humour in the situation and start taking things personally (especially when they are personal!). A good example happened to me this morning. I have started a part time job snow shoveling. I applied for the position in September (several months ago) and only heard back from them in October after I followed up on the call. They said they would get back in touch with me to tell me about orientation sometime in November.
   Last night it snowed. I got a call at 5am in the morning and was unable to make it to the phone before it rung off, there was no message left for me so I was not sure who called. When I woke sometime after 8 I realised I could dial *69 and then followed up by searching the number on the internet. I found out that it was the snow removal job and promptly called them back. The guy on the other end sounded a little annoyed as if I had let him down in some way and I apologised for not making it to the phone in time. I felt like I was making a feeble excuse and when I was finished on the phone I felt angry about the whole situation.
     It seems obvious that they would call me after a snow fall, but since I have never worked for them or heard from them in a several weeks I wasn't expecting a call at 5am. It is hardly surprising that I couldn't get to the phone in time. I understand that the guy may may not have been angry at me at all! But it is so easy to slide into this type of interaction and I end up suppressing my anger again for fear of shouting back when the situation doesn't warrant it.
     I wish to take myself out of this situation as I hate being on either side of the coin. I am starting to see that I may have underlying issues that allow me to spark off either way very easily, especially if I am pushed. This situation with my "friend" has re-opened a very old can of worms. I don't allow myself to act aggressively, either verbally or physically which means it all get suppressed. People have made the mistake before of thinking that I will be pushed around, but they usually end up seeing the flip side if it continues (although this is very rare and requires quite a bit of pushing).
  What is happening is that I allow things to get to me rather than seeing them as emotions arising in me and peacefully allowing them to pass before taking action. I get caught up in the roles and forget I am there to watch them and respond appropriately once I am centred, letting go of the attachment to my ego (which is the part that takes it personally).
   I might even write a list of things I take personally so I can be on the look out. Once I can spot them and let them go, I will be able to speak up and out without using undue force or reverting to avoidance.

Cutting attachments

  We often hear about cutting ties and attachments and it is done with alarming regularity within our culture. Certainly within the healing community the practice of cutting away negative attachments is very popular. Is this really necessary all the time? In some cases is it even possible?
   Before we get into the nitty-gritty of cord cutting, I want to explain what these cords actually are. When we meet with another individual we often connect to that person and this happens on more than a metaphorical level. When we connect with another individual, be it social, romantically or through our work we create a bond that stretches from one person to another. These invisible filaments of light go from our chakras to theirs, the chakra that connects determines in which area of our life we feel connected.
    Ideally lovers connect primarily through the heart, but we can also make intellectual and emotional connections just as easily. People we feel strongly connected to are often attached at more than one chakra and those we feel little connection to may only have a single attachment if any. Through these cords we pass energy to one another which dictates the type of relationship that occurs.
      The cords themselves have as much variety as the energy fields, some are like fluid light, others are as thick and pliable as old rope. At best they are a beautiful way to communicate our energies with other beings, free of restriction and like a profound network of light. At worst they can feel like toxic hoses that drain you of your energy or pump you full of poison. Mostly they are a combination of both.
     When lovers or friends part amiably, the cords naturally detach over a period of time so that new connections can be made. If they part on bad terms, it can feel as if something has literally been wrenched out of you..this is especially painful when it occurs in the heart and often takes a good chunk of your energy to boot. This wrenching can cause all types of problems if it doesn't heal well and many times people's heart have the old remnants of attachments still embedded where they have been unable to let go fully.
    The way in which we attach and detach cords is a function of how we have learned to do so in the past, which of course leaves the door open for a lot of less than ideal situations. Some people, in order to maintain their own "power" will tear their cords out when they leave (fearing the same might happen to them), leaving a trail of damaged individuals in their wake claiming it is their own fault for not being able to handle the situation. Others will not have the strength to be so brutal and maintain toxic connections long past their sell by date.  Some will refuse to connect because they understand their own destructiveness and try and "protect" the other while covertly sapping the energy of those who try and connect. There are those who will try and connect with everyone and you can feel their tentacles searching for a purchase.
     As you can imagine, families are often the worst case scenarios for bad connections. We are born connected...quite literally! From there we build our understandings of how and when to connect and what types of connections to maintain and which to get rid of.
     This process is a mostly unconscious one and so at some time or another we are all guilty of one or more of these types of behaviour. It is not a case of berating ourselves or others for doing so, but uncovering the reasons why it occurs within ourselves and cultivating more conscious relationships.
      But what about the toxic cords? How is one to deal with these once they are discovered. A great deal of sources will say that it is best to simply cut all toxic connections and walk away and in some cases this really is the best way to deal with a negative attachment. But quite often I will see that a cord does not want to be cut, it literally will reform the moment it is sliced. From this I can see that there are deeper issues that need to be considered, or lessons to be learned.
     There are also other ideas to consider. How many times do we hear the phrase "We are all connected"? Quite a few times I'll wager, especially if you have devoted any time to self development or spirituality. I wonder how we can all be connected if people are constantly trying to cut themselves off from those parts of the universe that they don't want to be associated with. So, do we simply cut ourselves off from everyone who doesn't agree with our world view or our ideas of positivity? Then there is karmic considerations and please don't think that means you HAVE to stay connected to someone who is really not right for you! With Karmic considerations there are certain individuals that you have made agreements to work with through multiple lives and simply cutting the cord and walking away means you are abandoning that agreement. There is no inherent good or bad choice, but there are always consequences for our actions. Abandoning a friend in need because we are sick of their negativity is a lost opportunity for healing.
     Of course there are times when the cord reforms simply because a part of you is not ready to let go, be it some damaged part or your higher self with an eagle eye view of the situation.
     The best course of action is to put a truly heart felt request out to your inner self to resolve the situation or attachment.  If you don't feel this is working, or you can't feel that then there are other methods I would recommend before the fateful cutting of a cord.
    Communicating the issues is always the first port of call and it is amazing how often we bypass this, authentically speaking our feelings in a non-judgmental way can work wonders. With communicating we both have to honour our truth, but we also have to bear in mind the awareness level of the recipient or what they may have difficulty hearing. Anyone will have a hard time hearing that they sap someones energy and only the most conscious individuals will be able to hear that and do something about it without freaking out. Let them know how their actions impact you and what could be done to improve things so that you are both happy and feel nourished.
    Some people of course will still refuse to hear it and place the responsibility back upon you. There is a school of thought that espouses the idea that we are all responsible for our feelings, while this is well intentioned and speaks to the highly evolved beings we wish to become, there are certain energetic realities to contend with before we reach that point.  Each persons actions affect those around them and there is a level of responsibility for those actions. As an example, jumping into a no diving swimming pool causes a wave to spread from your point of impact. You would not say that a splashed person was responsible for the wave soaking them and while a small part of them bears a fragment of responsibility for their presence on earth and in that pool, it is trifling compared to the person doing the splashing. This splashing can occur on an emotional level and setting a boundary for how much you wish to be splashed is perfectly acceptable, just let the person know that their continued action may have you leaving the "pool".
     Another is a little more complex but is an ideal solution if it can be implemented. Toxic attachments require two points of connection, one within your energy field and one within theirs. If you raise the vibration of your point of entry and the cord, this forces the other to do the same to maintain the connection or it drops away no longer having a point of purchase. In laymans terms what you need to do is find out how and why it is affecting you in such a way and work on increasing your awareness about the issue. When the issue no longer affects you, they will not be able to attach to it.They will either evolve with it, or they will find another outlet that is not so difficult to reach (which may or may not be in you).
      This is the optimal approach as it encourages healing, fosters understanding and connection and serves as an unparalleled opportunity for personal growth.  Just remember that you need to set workable boundaries in order for this to function.
       Cutting the cord is always an option of course, but don't be surprised if another situation just like the last crops up again...

8 of Swords. Bondage and the restricted self.

  The 8 of Swords is known as the card of bondage and one only has to glance at the card to see why. I have had a relatively chequered past with this card and it has come up with some regularity in my personal readings and those I have done readings for.
  Again there is symbolism related to covered eyes with the blindfold and this has been a regular theme in the recently drawn cards. This card is also usually viewed in a negative light, but again it is only an indicator and can actually be a blessing if the information is heeded. I see it like a flashing fuel gauge on your car, you might not like seeing it but it is there to warn you of a situation you should take note of.
   The woman in the card is blind, bound and entrapped by a circle of swords stuck in the swampy ground. Her surroundings appear drab and the situation hopeless. The swords in the ground symbolise the proliferance of thoughts that keep her in bondage. It is a situation that probably feels familiar to a great many people..stuck in the mud, surrounded on all sides by limitation and tied up to boot!
   Taking a closer look at the card one can actually see that things are not as bad as they seem. The fact that the card is minor arcana suggests that is an energy that is prevalent in the situation and not some divine punishment. The person is actually responsible for her thoughts and therefore just as capable of changing them. The bonds around her are loose and could be easily slipped off... if not there is a number of sharp swords close at hand! If she took off her blindfold she could see that the swords can be easily circumvented and that the castle lies not far off behind her. The castle itself suggests prosperity, security and shelter only a short distance away.
    This card is all about being imprisoned by your own thoughts or lack of perspective and this happens far too often. One thing to bear in mind is that although you as the viewer of the card can see all these possibilities, it is not on view to the one so bound. If you  have to deal with a person so trapped, one must be aware that their perspective of the situation is limited until they escape from their blindfold. Again we have all been in a situation in which the course seems obvious to one who can see and the other has fallen into hopelessness because of their perception of their situation. This kind of situation calls for compassion and a great deal of patience.
    This card urges me to have the same level of compassion and patience for my own bondage as well for others. I often find my patience stretched when having to deal with those from very limited perspectives and it reminds me that I have also been in those very situations and compassion and understanding not frustration and irritation was what I needed most.
    On a personal level this card is talking to me about my own bands of restriction. I have recently started a regular exercise regimen, involving weekly trips to the gym, yoga on occasion and football (soccer). I can feel bands of tension around my hips and shoulders where there is tightness. Wilhelm Reich talked about seven bands of tension that occur in the body and limit the flow of blood and vital energies. These seven bands correspond perfectly to the chakra system even though Reich preferred to keep other systems at arm's length.
      He postulated that the muscular tension was because of emotional charged memories stored within the body itself and that these suppressed memories could be released with bodywork. His ideas have formed the cornerstone of modern body-working and I have certainly encountered memories surfacing through massage or other bodywork. The idea is that when when our body organism feels threatened emotionally it responds by contracting the muscles to protect us. If this occurs on a regular enough basis the body will become chronically tense, even if the emotionally charged situation no longer threatens us. That is why as many people get stiffer and less flexible as they add more and more armouring to anything that even vaguely resembles the original causative factor.
     I do agree with Reich, although I believe if the emotional affectation can be reached and experienced, then the injured part will rise up in the consciousness bringing forth the memories for release. Once released they will lead the faulty or incorrect belief statement to awareness for examination. If this can be surmounted then the muscles will relax and will likely not relapse. I have directly experienced this myself.
    I don't believe physical manipulation is always necessary and if the belief structure is not altered then all it will do is relieve the current pressure until it builds up once more. I have made greater physical breakthroughs through meditation and depth introspection than I have in months of yoga. Yoga, exercise and body-work  is unparalleled for removing the toxins from the body and maintaining flexibility though and would thoroughly recommend it.
    I feel the bands around my hips slowly slipping away more and more each day...as for the bands around my shoulders..I have yet to understand their attribution.
 
   
 
 

Prying open the third eye

 Last night I had a dream that was pretty disturbing, but I think it relates to the opening of my third eye, or at least the difficulties I have been facing in doing so.
  The third eye is actually one of the chakras located over the brow, the opening of which permits one to see clairvoyantly and to be subject to visions and visual insights. It is also known as the Ajna chakra in the Hindu systems of thought.
  The third eye can be momentarily opened through the use of hallucinogenic drugs such as peyote or DMT. I believe these drugs just give a chemical jump start to the pineal gland and have no lasting affect. They can open one up to the possibility although this is heavily negated by the fact that it was chemically induced and this makes people doubt its veracity, believing it was the drugs and not them even though it is merely activating chemicals already present in the body. I would not recommend such a course as it typically will bring up all the debris that is preventing it opening in the first place...usually resulting in a "bad trip".  Much better to clean the area out and have it open naturally.
     The Ajna chakra laying towards the top of the energy system is one of the later chakras to open on the path to individuation and that is why there is so few people who have active third eyes, literally the number of individuals reaching this stage of personal development is so small. It does function to some degree in most people, especially those with active imaginations although it is usually limited in its function by other belief structures overlaying this which naturally filter out anything which the person would deem abnormal.
     I will go into great depth about the form and function of each of the chakras in time, but for now I am going to take a look at the dream that initiated all this.
     Dreams are a great way to make progress, they are totally individual and suited to the recipient, although most people remain unaware of the meaning of dreams and it took me many years to begin to understand the language of dreams. I would strongly recommend it to anyone with an interest in personal or spiritual growth.
    Dreams speak to us in ways that paradoxically are so simple we fail to understand them. We often don't look at things in such a simplistic or instinctual fashion and therefore miss the point as we logically try and understand them. Dreams speak in symbols and in feeling, through both personal and archetypal imagery, often both at the same time. An image can be worth a thousand words and a symbol is worth much more than an image. Think of all the associations one has with just the image of something so simple as a dog. For many people this could bring up a personal wealth of feelings, sometimes good and sometimes bad depending on our past experiences. It also speaks to us on a primal level, we understand that it is a creature that doesn't have the same higher cognitive functions as us, that it is closer to the ground, that it is a symbol of loyalty and domestication. So when we dream we often don't even consider these levels or ideas and so can miss what should be an obvious meaning.
     In the dream I had, I was viewing a box car on a tram or a train. I was floating somewhere in the third person perspective (which suggests I don't feel particularly connected to any of the participants). There were two soldiers at the end of the car and one of them was trapped under some boxes. He was dark skinned and had a shaved head. He looked like one of the faceless evil minions I saw in a movie last night..that is bland and unremarkable. There was a third person... a shooter whom I could not see, but was closer to my viewpoint. He was firing a machine gun at the two soldiers and hit the soldier trapped under the boxes. He kept spraying the soldier with bullets and shot a line of bullets across his brow. I felt my own squeamishness in the dream and as if in response the scene became larger and more powerful. The shooter kept firing bullets into the face of the dying soldier, so much so that bullets actually started to leak from him. At this point the solider transformed in a demonic being, as if the extreme violence had created a new monster.The dream moved on at this point, to other incidental scenes.
     When I awoke I naturally did not want to confront this imagery, but I have learned that the most repulsive elements are usually the most important. Looking through my dream book ( I shall provide a link to it below..it really is a great book and would thoroughly recommend it!) I started to tease apart the meanings in each of the symbols.
    The trapped soldier is a helpless, although not blameless individual (what soldier does not carry some darkness in him). He represents an every-man to me, but someone who is defenseless against the unremitting barrage that is sent his way. That his brow is the first target suggests a connection to the third eye, given my intense introspection on the matter. He is also shot in the mouth which is relevant to later analysis. His transformation is suggestive of a darker element to this situation and a somewhat revelatory idea that his death creates a monster. That is demon is birthed through the violence and anger of the situation.
     It became apparent that the bullets were missiles cast at a helpless being who was deemed somewhat guilty of an unknown crime, therefore a worthy candidate for his punishment. What it reminds me of is an attitude I had hoped to leave behind. In the UK where I was raised it is popular to "shoot someone down" as a form of humour. If you can make the person look bad, then you yourself become elevated at their expense and if you can make everyone laugh at the same time all the better. This has been perfected to an art form in the UK and everyone is fair game, even yourself providing you can make sure that it is more humorous than damaging. There are entire TV shows based on this premise. I grew up in such and environment and naturally learned to develop this form of humour both as a defence mechanism and as a social prop.
    When I first arrived in the US on my travels I was immediately struck by something. That this cutting form of humour was not really present and many times it simply went over the heads of the recipients. My first rather uncharitable thought was that the people were not sophisticated enough to get it (barring a few alert individuals). Given that there was no riposte or defence from them, it started to very quickly just feel cruel. It felt like lashing out at puppies.  I soon started to relax and let go of this as a social prop or as a form of humour and found that I could open up to more genuine conversations without fear of reprisals.
   What I now realise is that although I have mostly let go of this type of humour, it still lives within me. I do on rare occasion poke fun at likely individuals and even if it never leaves my mouth, such ideas still rise up within me. While it would seemed harmless to continue this gentle form of ribbing, it obviously affecting how I perceive things and the benefits of letting it go outweigh the occasional jape at the expense of some helpless individual. Sending compassion rather than scorn for a weakened individual would be a better use of my energy and a more mature and wholesome attitude. It also allows more positive energy to flow through the chakra, rather than projecting outwards which disrupts the integrity of the third eye.
      While I would love to go into more depth about how to go about opening the third eye the journey is personal to each individual and it typically involves removing our own preconceptions about how we see the world. This can mean both how we physically see and allow ourselves to see with our mind's eye. But in the interest of including more, I have information on the Chakra tab near the title bar. Opening the third eye can be helped by using exercises or consulting a professional energy healer, the latter which I would recommend if it is a serious consideration for you.
   

XI-Justice. Part 2. Judgement and Intolerance

Yesterday I pulled the Justice card from the deck and talked about Karma and my views upon it. It seems that the card still has more to share as I spent time this morning in meditation and several pertinent issues arose for me.
   The issue of judgement is one that naturally arises when one considers any form of justice. The phrase "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven" is a biblical quote from Luke. This falls in with what I was talking about in my last posting, that what you create returns to you.
   During my meditation this morning I suddenly became aware of a hypocrisy within the way that I live and it was related to the idea of judgement and intolerance.
    I find it difficult to be tolerant of issues cropping up in others that I have already worked through. My patience for dealing with such things seems to be limited as though part of me is saying "What? You haven't learnt this already?". Even if I only just figured it out myself in that moment! It is like I suddenly flip to having known it all along and become frustrated with the ignorance of the person still struggling for clarity... I am aware of how silly and irrational this is..now at least. 
   Yet at the same time if I haven't figured something out yet, I will plead for clemency and ask for more understanding from the judging person. It is as though I embody both the judge and the accused. It is though I can see myself in both roles, I judge a person ignorant, condemn them for it and I am merciless until they are proven "innocent" by overcoming the ignorance. At the same time in the other role I find it hard to overcome certain obstacles and encounter a cold judgement from what seems the universe until I figure it out. Often being placed in a type of purgatory until I can remove the difficulty.
    Seeing it this way allows me to understand the judge within me that is also the accused party. I can sense the energy of judgement within me and in return I find myself judged, all on an internal level. This in turn affects how I live my life in the world and the way that it reacts to me.
    Others in my life have pointed this hard judgement out to me before, but I have not been able to understand  it on a deep enough level and so I have faced their judgement...which in turn is only a reflection of my own self.  The key to this..the antidote energy as it were, is compassion and understanding. I need to be able to see myself in the role of the accused and feel an empathy for their struggle. To be able to reach out a hand to those that still suffer in compassion rather than judgement and in doing so the world will lend a hand to me out of the same feeling. 
     Because I understand now the mechanisms that underlie the issue, when the feelings of intolerance and judgement arise in me once more, then I can note them and move beyond them to treat the situation with compassion and understanding. This will help reprogram my own patterns and I will be able to avoid getting stuck that groove again. 
    Looking back over how I deal with myself I see that I sentence myself to periods of purgatory until I "learn", rather than rehabilitating myself with more positive behavioural methods. The judicial system is alive within me it seems...thank goodness  I don't practice capital punishment for my inmates! 
    There is also another part that is still unresolved which is preventing me from closing this blog just yet. It is the way in which I treat the inmates I guess and maybe even than I see them as inmates. I don't wish for my life to resemble a correctional facility for unruly elements. It is in trying to find a balance with helping these elements grow and reach their potential without placing them in confinement until they reach maturation. Ideally each element would be loved and nurtured regardless of their unruly nature but firmly prevented from ruling or governing any other parts until they have reached the point they can successfully do so without causing harm.