I want never gets, a legacy of guilt.

   I have recently been opening up the rest of my energy system to kundalini energy. I have run into a deadly trap within my own system and it has been holding me up for a long while. Thankfully with help from some of my dreams I am making headway.
    Many years ago I had my first kundalini awakening, I discuss it fully in one of my first posts here. Suffice to say that it only opened up the energy in the upper part of my torso, arms, head and neck included. The energy didn't fully flow down into my lower torso or legs especially around the root chakra. I didn't think much of it at the time as the experience was new to me to begin with. It was only much later that I discovered that the energy within me was not fully balanced.
   The problem became a little more pronounced later, causing me to suffer from a restless leg style side effect which I later discovered were kriyas. The energy was trying to equalize during the sleep cycles or during meditation and it was much too strong to happen without a lot of discomfort and pain.
   This continued for many years and I simply didn't know how to go about resolving it. Other healers were at a loss and the strong physical aspect of it only served to frighten. Recently (within the last year) I managed to discover and resolve the blockage that was causing so much disturbance with deep meditation, relaxation and giving in to the discomfort. There was also a large psychological element along with emotional affects which also needed to be worked on. The problem has not re-occurred and I can now sleep and meditate without this energy spike occurring.
     It seems as though the work on my legs and feet is not quite finished though. The legs and feet correspond to the material world and my connection to it. I still am running into numerous material issues, both financially and health wise. Financially the flow is more of a drip. Health wise, my hips, hamstrings, ankles and the soles of my feet are subject to tension and inflexibility. Both aspects seem a mirror of each other. The major blockage has been resolved, but the pathways are still blocked.
    A few nights ago I had a dream which elucidated the problem. In the dream I was trying to move down a corridor which had several branches. All along the floor were tiny holes from which arrows and needles would fire forth whenever I moved along the corridor. It made moving down the corridor at any speed both painful and difficult. There were several painted pathways on the ground in blue and red and the blue pathways seemed the easiest to traverse.
    It seemed a perfect analogy for the matter at hand. Trying to move energy (or even blood or fluids) through my legs was a painful and slow process subject to pain. The faster I attempted to stretch my legs and hips out the worse it would become. Unfortunately the rate at which it is comfortable to move is too slow and any faster movement causes pain. This, like trying to make headway in my financial life is intolerably slow and not something that can be suffered for the long term. Looking at the problem only served to cause frustration and depression as there seems to be no alternative.
   So, last night I took a walk to Walgreens (a 24hr pharmacy) ostensibly to pick up some hot chocolate and a drink for Zoe so I could give myself some space to think. As I walked through the campus late at night listening to my ipod a thought occurred to me. I believe it was Einstein that stated that "no problem can be solved at the level it was created". This serves well for any situation and I realised that I was looking at the situation all wrong.
   Rather than seeing the traps as the problem to be overcome I needed to regard the entire situation from a higher level. I have been looking at how the situation is defended and not why. My body/mind system is seeking to stop movement along the pathway, especially anything large or fast. So there is a movement of energy, but only in small chunks, or larger ones if I don't mind taking the hits. I had to consider why is this considered a threat that needs to be reduced or eliminated. 
     I knew that I could rely on my subconscious to eventually figure it out, so when I went to bed I took my notebook and a little reading light. It seems that between 1am and 3am is the best time for letting my mind hazily drift over the topics without distraction. Note: I did not think about it, I just let my mind kind of gaze at it...seeing out of the corner of my eye as it were.
    Part of me thought that it was likely to do with success, that maybe I had a fear of success. But this although fitting the scenario did not get any traction. Then I began to consider that achieving success might bring forth unwanted feelings or thoughts. I looked at my own attitude and realised that a part of me just thinks it isn't possible, that regardless of how hard I try things aren't going to work out for me. That I am just doomed to not get what I want. Now this thought rang a bell.
    Many years back when I had my first experience with kundalini I was working on a big issue for me which was finding my voice. I grew up being painfully shy and unable to express myself. In the end it all came down to what I had been reinforced with since I was a small child. It was the phrase "I want never gets". This maxim had been hammered into me as I grew up. If I said the dreaded phrase "I want" I would be berated and told that I was being VERY rude and given sour looks. Obviously I would be racked with guilt if ever such a phrase slipped out of my lips. Instead I had to phrase everything to cause minimum offense and so that my parents could feel okay with denying my wants, since they were no longer wants, but only very polite requests. All and any of my desires ran the risk of being vetoed. I had to be grateful for whatever I got, even if it wasn't what I wanted.
      Now this all where it began to make sense to me. The protective system is in place to save me from actually getting what I want and therefore doing something shameful and bad. I have worked through my issues enough to be able to express those wants and desires, but as for actually getting them? This idea of "I want never gets" has been so deeply inculcated that it literally stops it from occurring. For me it is a deep universal truth and while I may be able to deny its truth on a mental and verbal level, physically and emotionally it is still just as true as when I was 5 years old. My body literally battles against my mind and tries to protect me from shame and guilt. It leaves me with a legacy of never being fulfilled as it would be asking too much from my poor beleaguered parents. A ridiculous and outdated program in my own psyche.
     The key in this is turning those guardian forces around and to have them working for me rather than against me. They no longer need to protect me from guilt and shame, which are always seen as omnipresent threats for undesirable behaviour. Then I could stop projecting these parental figures onto any beings/organisations etc that might hold my well-being in their hands be it people, bosses or even the universe itself! I can say I want and not expect punishment.
    For my full understanding I must look at the reverse side of why someone would say that in the first place. From my own understanding it is from that person's poverty mindset. I feel that reasonable requests and desires are never really outside of the realm of possibility. A parent often feels that they have to provide everything for the child, but this is a fallacy of limited thinking. The parent is only the vessel of transmission from the universe to the child. If the parent believes that their own desires are not being fulfilled by the cosmos, then they are likely to pass on that mindset to the child, even if this is not actually true. My desires as a child were well within the bounds of possibility, often a new toy I really wanted or the gift of time and attention from a parent. My parents had been living in a scarcity mindset and they felt those things were not even achievable. This was not actually true and the few things I really needed would never have broken the bank. If they had taken the time to look at the needs of a family, they may have realised that their lives were out of alignment and found new and more fulfilling ways of living. They each made their choices and placed the burden of guilt upon me as a child for not being a party to their conspiracy of poverty. My desires were punished with guilt and had to be quieted or smothered for the benefit of not upsetting the status quo. If this legacy were theirs alone then this would be a different matter, but I now must spend my time digging up the bones of the past so I can be free of their influence.
     Seeing this, I can now be free of the guilt and shame that I have felt towards myself and start to really consider what to do from hereon out. It was never my guilt and shame, but that of my parents.
     Knowing this I can re-purpose those defenses to protect from further assaults designed to make me feel the  guilt or shame of another. When I feel a desire arise I can then process it and defend it from those who would seek to make me feel ashamed of natural wants and desires. Guilt is a feeling that arises from within and we do not have to accept it from an outside source, so now I can move forward without having to figure out when to defend against being guilted when I don't feel that way.
   
   

0 - The Fool

 The Fool card begins the journey of the tarot. It is numbered zero and stands both above and before the rest of the Major Arcana. It plays a role similar to the joker in the regular decks in that it is a card that stands outside the regular numbering.
  The tarot can be seen as a journey through the Major Arcana and the Fool card represents the querent as he begins his quest. He is the innocent who begins his journey in honest naivete and is able through beginners luck to avoid the pitfalls laid before him. The hobbits in Lord of the Rings represent this kind of energy, through lack of guile and purity of heart they are able to avoid many pitfalls that should fell them. They initially leave the shire and manage through instinctual fumbling to avoid the terrible danger of the ring wraiths.
     The Fool represents both innate wisdom and purity of instinct, though not consciously manifested.
      This is a very powerful card and when it appears it indicates a level of divine providence provided one releases guile and cunning and trusts innately.
     In my own life there have been several instances when the energy of the Fool card has been instrumental in my successes. Recently I have been struggling with several issues, that seem to leave me wondering how to proceed. It is a confluence of forces and circumstances that leaves me exhausted and endlessly analyzing how to progress to no avail. Then several nights ago when I was first pondering this card I had a dream. In this dream I encountered an alien who showed me several very brightly coloured layers of a crystalline substance. These crystal layers covered the soles of the feet and to me had a somewhat unknown quality. I was trying to see them on people, but could only see them with his help, but he assured me I would be able to do so eventually.
   Although the symbolism is a little confusing, it is to do with the tension I have been feeling in the soles of my feet recently. The soles of the feet represent connection to the earth and given my financial difficulties of late, there is obviously some obstruction that I am not fully able to perceive. The energy is crystallizing, which is what happens if energy stagnates for a period of time and I need to find a way to break through this as yet unknown and invisible substance.
   What is most striking to me is the vivid colours in the dream. When I dream of very vivid colours they are always significant in a profound and spiritual way. They occur very rarely and they always indicate the areas in which I should put the main of my attention.
   When I first felt a draw to the US I had a profound dream in which I was led to a cliff side which had four very large luminous bears standing at the summit and I had to climb the treacherous cliff to reach them. This was the dream that really initiated me into being here and on this journey.  Many years later when my attempts to move to the US had failed, I was then shown another vivid dream with the Pleiades star system lit by unearthly colours. The Pleiades or the seven sisters is the first constellation to appear over the horizon in spring and that is when I decided to return to the US. All along the way my journey has been illuminated by these profound dreams and they always signal to me that spirit is on my side and I just need to step out and trust.
    In many of those instances I felt like the Fool. I was beginning a journey and only by trusting in spirit to guide my journey and protect me from the pitfalls, many of which I could not see or begin to understand.
   In the card the fool has his eyes firmly fixed on the heavens unaware or uncaring of the dangerous drop right ahead of him. He carries all his belongings in a bag over his shoulder and a white rose of pure love in his hand.  His tunic is adorned with vivid colours and depicting hearts, wheels and plant like patterns. These symbols are newly formed and do not have the strength or integrity of some of the later symbols, but are no less powerful because they are driven by innocent virtue. He is still growing yet into his fullness and this youthful energy imparts a measure of strength and protection. Upon his head sits a laurel wreath and a feather in his cap, both symbols of attainment, though he seems unaware of their existence and it is likely he wears them without understanding their meaning. He is a victor without knowledge of such, a humble champion.
    Behind him the sun shines upon him and is at his back, reinforcing his solar aspect as a yet unproven hero. The dog nipping at his heels represents his instincts which, like lassie guide him away from danger unseen. There is a foppish nature to this young youth, a fresh innocence and a belief that there can be no danger that he cannot overcome with this attitude. The thing is, because his belief is so strong and pure, at this point in the journey he is absolutely right.
    For me the appearance of this card at this time is very fortuitous. I have worried that my own desire to create a secure financial base for myself is one based on personal need alone. That I have taken "time out" from my journey to pursue this quest. Similar to a side mission in a video game...not the main story, but an irrelevant refueling event that is only slowing me down. The appearance of this dream suggests that I am actually on track and can relax into the role of the Fool and not carry all these guilt worries that I am not doing what I am "meant" to be. More than that I can fully trust the universe to help me out and not feel as though I am doing this out of selfish desire. This is the beginning of a new journey for me and stepping into that lighter, more innocent role is to my advantage, rather than carrying the burdensome concern about picking the right trail.
    The interesting aspect of the Fool card is that it exists both at the beginning of the Major Arcana, but also outside of the numbering. He doesn't have a fixed position and technically as he progresses he visits each of the Major Arcana. The journey through the tarot represents an archetypal evolution through life and each of the different experiential encounters we meet on the road. The Fool however is omnipresent and we should not leave him behind at the beginning of the journey but carry him through till the end. While we must not forget the lessons of the past, we can meet each new challenge anew as the Fool. Rather than fumbling through the book of our experiences, we must meet new challenges as the Fool, the open but humble hero with the sun at his back and his faithful hound ready to protect him from danger.
 

Breaking the cycle of guilt and blame.

  After some serious introspection inspired by my previous post (The Moon Card), I have discovered that I appeared to be involved in a cycle of guilt and blame.
    Reading up on the idea of blame, you could be forgiven for thinking that it is a terrible thing and totally without merit. But, there are many instances where blame is totally valid and denying it can have greater consequences than accepting that you feel that way. There are instances in which people have a genuine grievance against another party. It doesn't take much to imagine such a scenario, such as a theft or an unprovoked assault.  These are situations in which one individual is clearly responsible for another's suffering. There are plenty more examples that can be easily imagined and anyone who has suffered abuse at the hands of another is already familiar with this.
    For me guilt is inextricably tied up in this, it is certainly a personal situation that I am struggling with and I hope that forging my own way through this may be of benefit to others likewise seeking an understanding.
   But back to blame, we see that it is something that is passed on down the line from one person to another. It is most evident in families, where an abuse that has been enacted causes the victim to blame the perpetrator (quite correctly) for their experience. This can have long standing ramifications for the victim in that they may well continue the same type of behaviour. The problem lies in the fact that this chain can go further and further back, with each person in the chain quite rightfully blaming another for their actions.
      The now perpetrator feels guilt for their actions, but is incapable of taking responsibility as they feel they are not the true progenitors of the problem.  It stands to reason of course, who would want to take responsibility for their actions when those said actions stem from the mistreatment at the hands of another. Obviously, you can see it leads to a whole chain of people washing their hands of responsibility, yet feeling guilty for their actions which they feel powerless to resolve (i.e if only so-and-so would just take responsibility for the way they treated me, then I wouldn't behave like this).
      I am recognising my own part in the cycle of guilt and blame in my own life. I know I cannot rely on the perpetrator of my blame ever recognising and resolving it, because I feel the same way about my guilt. It all feeds back to the source. My financial insolvency links back to other situations in which I blame others, yet it causes me to treat others in the same manner I abhor. There is no gain in staying within the chain. It has a reality all of its own and the cycle perpetuates itself through external circumstances because the subconscious is programmed to repeat the same cycle until the loop is resolved.
     Trying to step out of it is a trial all in itself. Simply taking responsibility for your actions may well be part of it, but the responsibility is not all yours. There is a segment that is the perpetrators. Good luck in getting them to take that on! Even if you do take it on martyr style, your own unconscious is never going to let you get away with it and it will never be a true admission of guilt. You can ignore it, but the situations will continue to play out and the universe really isn't going to do your work for you. You can try and force the prior perpetrator to acknowledge their actions and the effect they had, but they too are likely victims of another and cannot give you true recompense.
    So what is the answer? How do we step out of this chain without relying on the shaky possibility that it will be broken in the link before us? Like anything else, the answer lies in becoming increasingly conscious. Recognising that your blame, however accurate and legitimate will not and cannot give you release. Even if your perpetrators do apologise, it will never be a true apology if they are chained to others. The only way to be free is to break the chain at the point you are at.
    The first step is acknowledging your rightful anger or emotional response. What you do feel is legitimate, even if your perpetrator would prefer you not feel that way (it brings up their feelings of guilt). So this needs to be done by oneself or in the company of a trusted confidant, one who you know will not engage in oppositional responses or invalidate your feelings. It is okay to feel this way, to know that you should not be treated badly.
    The second step is to understand that your feelings were invalidated by their guilt, that getting in touch with your anger is a way of letting yourself know that it is not right that you were treated in such a fashion. The process is for you, not for them and showing them your anger at this point would simply invalidate your feelings once more. They could do this by switching blame back to you, becoming angry in turn or other tactics to try and return the feelings of guilt that they do not wish to own (which in truth, were probably never theirs either).
    The third step is understanding that if these feelings arise again, then they represent a healthy response from yourself. The problem arose when you let their guilt invalidate your feeling response. Learning to trust your own natural emotional responses to situations is paramount. You can allow them to feel however they wish, it doesn't invalidate your feelings. You are not obliged to act in any way they want and if it makes them feel bad then that is their responsibility not yours.
    If you have been a perpetrator (and it is likely you have engaged in the same tactic somewhere else in your life) then you must be willing to accept your part of your actions. Trust your feelings, if you feel remorse over your actions then it is good to redress the balance. If you have acted badly, own up to it. Recognise that now you are free from the control of the others before you and that the cycle stops here.
    If you can truly feel, validate and trust your own feelings then these situations of blame and guilt will die away with the breaking of the chain. People will subconsciously notice that where you were once prone to guilt and blame you are no longer powerless. The situations that were once powered by this weakness will diminish and eventually completely disappear, or if they do resurface then you will remain above such attempts at manipulation.

XVIII - The Moon. The shadow of self.

 The Moon is one of cards that is seen as ill-omened. That when  it turns up in a reading it can signify a period of difficulty. But like many of the so-called ill omened cards it is simply a matter of perspective and taking the correct attitude to the matters at hand.
    The Moon card has links to other Major Arcana. It is related to The Sun card and is viewed as its polar opposite. This may in fact be where a great deal of the mis-interpretation of the card comes into play. The Sun card is such a positive card, that one must think that the Moon card must necessarily be negative. The Sun card is about the inner child, whereas the Moon card is about another psychical construct....the Shadow.
      Carl Jung defined the shadow as the sum total of all that we do not wish to admit to within the psyche. This can be repressed elements or behaviours, attitudes or viewpoints. They do not necessarily need to be negative, but they often are. At worst, these elements given enough psychic power can fragment and cause a schizophrenic break. The psyche will often wall off these elements in order to preserve a level of functionality within the individual. For example if a society has a diminished view of sexuality, then sexual urges naturally become repressed within the normative individual. This gives the shadow aspect of the personality a portion of power which would normally have been reserved for healthy sexual function. If this reservoir of power exceeds a certain level, then the psyche attempts to vent this energy and this occurs in a way that is partitioned off from functioning consciousness so as to preserve a cohesive personality. If such a person encounters a situation, person or event that triggers a recognition of this repressed element within the psyche then they will often respond with revulsion or disgust.
       The card itself has a lot of interesting symbolism involved in it. The actual moon disk has a face upon it which has its eye's closed either in sleep or in pensive thought. There are rays springing forth from the disk, as the sun's light reflects from it. The disk itself is arranged as though you can see the moon in its phases, with a crescent, a half and a full moon. This links the card to sleep, dreams and semi-awareness. The darkness of the backdrop dictates that the card is set at night (you may think this obvious, but the moon is many times visible during the day).  Falling from the moon are fifteen yods (symbols of fiery fragments of the psyche) which look a little like tears falling upon the earth.
        To the side of the card we see two stone towers forming a portal or a pass between them. These towers can be seen on the Death card and represent the gateway to realms beyond. In the Death card, you can see a sunrise in the background, but here you only see a pathway going deep into the purple mountains of the backdrop. This shows that dream and sleep and the states in between are a gateway to areas of deeper darkness and mystery. The towers themselves are man made constructs and represent the limit of our understand of this realm and that the pathway leads past them. These towers have a single window in each, facing back towards the viewer. Passing into the realm of sleep requires we move past what is understood and the limited perspectives humanity currently has in these realms.
      In the middle of the card a wolf and a dog sit either side of the pathway. They represent the animal aspects our nature, on one side the domesticated dog and on the other the wild wolf. They show how close these aspects are to one another and the danger that lies on the path to the unconscious. We have our civilised instincts and our wilder instincts with us and on either side of the path we walk. The dog howls at the moon, showing that it is simply a wolf with a veneer of civility.
      At the base of the card, there is a crustacean crawling out from the depths of the water and beginning on the path. The water represents our emotions, our moods and how they are influenced by the moon and the tides and little consciousness we have of this.
     This card represents the perilous journey into the unconscious, from humble beginnings and through many great dangers. It shows the dangers our subconscious represents, the elements we keep hidden or lie just beneath the surface. It has a negative aspect only in that it without a knowledge of this realm, we are doomed to fall prey to its dangers. Only by taking the pathway with all its inherent dangers do we have any chance of reaching the light hidden by the moon.
    The pathway through the realms of the shadow are indeed difficult and are only really open to those who have tread the roads before this. They are incomprehensible and repugnant to those who are unwilling to face their own hidden aspects.
    There is a great deal to be seen in facing ones own shadow. It is a road I have walked and will continue to walk as difficult and unpleasant as it appears to be at points. It is the only way to liberate the aspects of ourselves and the powers that have fallen into the depths of the unconscious.
   When this card is drawn, it means it is a time to look deep within to find the parts of us that we wish to disown. The darkness that lies within us all and shows us that the line between the civilised dog and the wild wolf is not very great at all and without understanding what we are, there is no hope for our individuation. We must taken this primitive aspect of ourselves (represented by the crustacean) and take it to the light at the far end of the pathway. The fact that there is no light immediately obvious at the end of the pathway further indicates that this is not a simple task.
     This card for me talks of the difficult work that must be undertaken in order to make any real progress on the path. I had hoped to bring forth some examples of my own shadow aspects which I am currently working on, but like the card they are still shrouded in darkness and at best I am only semi-aware of them...I am still walking the path to bring them to light. They struggle to remain hidden and there is a part of me that doesn't wish to see them brought to light, even though I know it is for my benefit.

2 of Wands. Elevated perspective.

  The 2 of Wands is about elevated perspective and taking in the bigger picture. I feel there are a few other cards that cover the idea of patience, such as the 7 of Pentacles. But this card has a slightly different take on the situation.
    The figure stands upon the crenelated battlements of a castle, gazing down upon the glob in his hand. Both instances suggest elevated perspectives, one of the globe and the other of the countryside spread out before the castle. Not only is his perspective elevated in terms of a viewpoint, but he is also physically above the landscape.
    This morning I woke up with a different perspective, one that is mirrored by this card. I woke up feeling somewhat elevated because of certain understandings I came to last night. After drawing the 10 of Wands as my last card, I felt able to let go of certain burdens I had been carrying. I shuffled the deck and drew again and again drew the 10 of Wands, I figured the odds were low for this occurring and took it to mean I wasn't fully finished with processing the lesson. I spent time talking it through with Zoe. I recounted a situation in which my ex had once accused me of putting her on a pedestal. It didn't make sense at the time, as I felt I treated her with the respect I would any person. It now occurred to me that I wasn't elevating her above normal, but actually treating her as a worthy being. It turns out now that she was not acting as one and that created the disparity.  I then shuffled the deck (even more fully than before) before the drawing the 10 of Wands a third time! At this point I left them for the evening and decided to sleep on it.
        Upon awakening I felt different. It is as though a shift occurred while I slept. Suddenly I felt as though I am worthy of all the things that have been lacking in my life. By listening to all the statements of doubt others had said about me I had internalised them. I realised that I wasn't less than those who tried to intimidate or take advantage of my good nature. I understood on a visceral level that those people are less for acting in such a way. I do believe all people are good and worthy, but only once they stand up and accept it. Before that they live out the roles they choose for themselves, myself included. It feels as those who sought to oppress me or plant doubt in me no longer have any power over me and all I feel is sadness for them. I had believed their lies that I was less, or worthy of doubt, that I should not trust my internal knowledge and listen to them instead.
       Like the figure in the card, it seems as though I am seeing the world anew. Not as something beyond me or out of my league. He stands in a position of confidence, knowing that the world or anything in it can be his. The two flowers on the crenelation are a lily and a rose, the symbols of purity and passion respectively. With the help of these there is nothing that cannot be encompassed with his elevated vision and materialised. Within his view are several castles which symbolise security and prosperity...in fact he is already stood upon one!
     He grips the first wand, showing that he is already in touch with his fiery nature and ready to bring forth his vision. The second wand is behind him and stands in reserve, firmly attached to the castle wall. This I feel symbolises that part of his fiery nature is tied up in materialisation already. He may not be aware of it, but it stands upright and ready, a reserve ready to be tapped. His orange robes are a strong contrast with the greenery beyond him and the uniformity of the colours speaks that he is firmly focused.
     The idea of rising above a situation is one that is well documented as being the best way to see one's way out or forward. In this case, it permits the figure to see the whole and make plans accordingly. In my case, the elevation was due to an understanding about the true nature of things, which then granted me a better perspective. I do actually feel greater as a person because of it and because I am no longer measuring myself by the standards of the unworthy.

10 of Wands. Co-dependency and carrying burdens.

   The 10 of Wands is the culmination of the suit of wands. Being a ten means it has reached the end and is preparing to begin again at the beginning. But looking at this card you can see he is not quite there yet and in fact seemingly has the hardest part of his task still yet to overcome.
     Yesterday I realised that I still have more than half of the deck still to go and that this task is far from done. It has not been a burden though and I enjoy finding a new relationship with each card, or reaffirming an old one.
    This card is about being overwhelmed and carrying too many staves all by oneself. I fear for this figure's back the way he is carrying all those wands. He is hunched over and can't possibly see where he is going with his face buried in the pile like that.
     I feel like this poor fellow at the moment. I have a myriad of obligations to fulfill, both to myself and to others and the burden of it is pretty heavy. It is hard to see anything but those obligations as they are right there in my face and it feels like if I can just make it to my goal of financial security I can lay all my burdens down.
   He wears a bright red tunic which symbolises his passion and the inherently physical element of carrying such a burden. His blonde hair stands in stark contrast and represents his golden aspirations. He is not carrying the staves for a selfish reason, there is a greater purpose behind his struggle. His white sleeves represent his purity and innocence in carrying all these staves. It is quite possible he is carrying the burdens of others as well as his own. This is an idea that came up in a dream I had last night.
     In my dream, in the first part I was walking along a parkway and I witnessed a woman running through the snow, she fell or dived to the ground and a car speeding up behind her drove over her and crashing into a tree. My first thought was that it was an accident, but then the driver got out of the vehicle and the two figures started to struggle over a dossier. Both pulled pistols and shot each other simultaneously. A stranger and I ran over to the scene of the struggle and realised that the dossier contained some very important secret information, there was a moment we considered fighting each other for it, but the moment passed and we silently agreed to work together. We dumped the rest of her belongings in a nearby drain and ran to a bus stop as we knew we would soon be followed.
     This first part represents coming to find some information that has been kept secret, most likely because two elements hiding the information have neutralised each other. There are four elements in all, representing the totality of my pysche. My character represents conscious awareness and the other three, given their shadowy nature are subconscious elements. A shift in the balance of power in my unconscious has meant that the other two unconscious elements have eliminated each other, leaving a conscious and an unconscious element. My moment of considering whether to fight was pivotal in the re-emergence of the information as both the remaining elements decided to work together, conscious and unconscious. The subsequent flight is a recognition that the unconscious will likely want to reclaim the possibly damaging information and the bus stop represents that information being brought to an area of mass consciousness.
      In the second part I was in an underground mechanics workshop, in which cars where being cleaned and refueled with hot water. The cars looked old and there was a suggestion I could purchase one if I desired, an offer which I was not very enthusiastic about. An old friend of mine was working there from my hostel days (I'll call him J). J was happy to see me and we began to talk about the days when we worked together. At one point during the conversation the subject turned to an ex of mine, at this point J passed a look to another of his co-workers (also an old friend of mine I believe whom I will call H). It was apparent to me that there was something unspoken passing between J and H, something not very pleasant and possibly embarrassing. Usually I would notice this and let it go, but because of recent understandings I have come to, I called them on it. It turns out that there was a lot of information on my ex that I wasn't aware of that was actually not very pleasant.
      This part actually reflects the information that came to light in the first part. The old cars being cleaned with hot water suggest that hot emotions have been scouring the old ways of thinking (cars representing means of moving consciousness).
      I awoke this morning with an unpleasant feeling in my gut and the realisation that I may have given my old ex too much of the benefit of the doubt with several situations. That she may actually have been engaged in some very unpleasant situations, of which there was no clear evidence, but only gut feelings. If this is so and I am beginning to fear that it makes a great deal of sense, then it means I have been carrying several burdens which are not really mine. It would explain a great many of her actions and reduce my own burden of guilt. It appears I may well have been carrying issues that were not my own and need to be returned to their original owner.
   The figure in the card is carrying too many burdens and this indicates we need to figure out which are really ours, or if there is a way to reduce the load somehow. The strain is breaking the back of the figure and though in many instances we wish to soldier on with our loads especially when salvation is in sight (as the castle in the background represents) it might be wiser to reduce this burden.
   It is not our responsibility to carry anyone's woes or karmic responsibility. This situation can be exacerbated in relationships, where both partners will pass off their woes to the other for them to carry on in a kind of "why don't you carry the stuff I don't want to look at and I will do the same for you!". This is the shadow side of sharing...co-dependency.
      It does have a brighter side though, if both partners can remain conscious of this effect then this sharing can be beneficial. The other partner can often be better equipped to deal with issue and so long as there is a level of conscious awareness the issues can find resolution quicker than if worked on alone. This can be a precarious balancing act and making sure one partner does not carry all the burdens alone requires a high level of awareness. For Zoe and I there are several issues that we are helping the other with and this balance can quickly become overwhelming if one person is trying to deal with all the issues at once. It is easy to want to reject the issue of the other as not being one's own, but we often forget the other might be still carrying ours! Working to create a balance of two healthy individuals should always be the end goal of such an endeavor. When this happens it is not a responsibility but a mutually beneficial gift offered by each individual. Taking such a sacrifice upon oneself, if consciously done has great karmic reward. But this must remain a gift and not an obligation otherwise resentment can blossom.
    I now recognise, thanks to my dream that some of my burdens are actually the responsibility of another and it is past due to return them. I no longer wish to suffer a burden of guilt, when the responsibility lays totally within the purview of another.

4 of Pentacles. Greed and miserliness.

      The four of Pentacles is a card about greed and miserliness. Picking out this card has given me the opportunity to really examine my views on greed and stinginess.
    Greed has always been one of those negative traits that has kind of been out there, one that other people possess. Possessed by people who roll around in money and laughingly clutch at their vast array of belongings. I guess Scrooge McDuck, or King Midas comes to mind when I think of greed. Miserliness for some reason speaks to me of a penny pinching attitude, possessed by the poor. Regardless after some reflection I have realised that these fictitious individuals don't really reflect the true face of greed. Often we think of greedy people as being jolly and somewhat corpulent, always wanting more. This I feel blinds us to its true face.
     The King in the card has little regalness.  He hunches over on a simple stone plinth, holding tight to his pentacle. The drab steel grey of the sky and the somewhat muddied colours of his clothing present a somewhat dreary picture. What strikes you about the figure is his attachment to the pentacles, they are on his mind, in his hands and literally under his feet. He is out of touch with everything apart from the material, even the city seems distant.  Everything in his posture talks of tightness and clenching. This mindset exemplifies greed.
       Greed is being so scared about the lack of money, that one holds onto what one has for fear of losing it. This is the real face of it, not laughing exuberance and swimming through money. Charles Dicken's Scrooge was much close to the reality, although his general unpleasantness made it hard to empathise with him. Most people are so repulsed by this exaggeration that they would rarely ask themselves if they are driven or motivated by greed. A better way to phrase it would be, are they motivated by fear of lack?
       Most people's understanding of greed is closer to gluttony. The reality of greed is much sadder. It is a genuine fear of not having enough, it is generated by a poverty mindset. It rarely matters if they actually have enough, the fear is so all consuming that it doesn't allow them to look around and appreciate, they need to consider how to survive. This creates a tension and a tightness. How could they possibly give if they don't even have enough to guarantee their own security!
     In the card you can see a beautifully coloured city behind the seated figure. He seems unaware of it, so concerned with the four coins he holds. The purple robe, now darkened is a remnant of his divine pedigree. The red robe beneath it speaks of the passion and activeness now gone stale and stagnant, his energy simply being used only to hold on tightly to what he holds in his hands. The streak of blue on his robe relates to communication and spirituality, which has fallen all the way to the hemline. It shows that all is not lost, but things are upside down, that his priorities are switched.
       Money has an importance, it is a form of energy. It is a crystallised symbol of a transaction. It denotes a level of power and freedom, but only on the material plane. Outside of this it is powerless, apart from the level of fascination it holds for others similarly entranced.
       This card has one other element which is of importance. It is to do with a closed hand, or a closed circuit. The figure's arms on the card form a closed loop. While he retains a closed grip nothing new can enter the equation, only by opening up and letting go does he allow the greater flow through him. Any situation that remains locked in place cannot be open to change apart from through violent means (see the Tower card!).
     For me this card has allowed me to look at my own interactions with money. It all came home to me recently when I had my first client at the healing centre I work at. His payment was by credit card and it being a holiday, it means that the money will not hit my account until midweek when the cheque clears (from the centre). As soon as I received the cheque, even though I could not cash or spend it, it was already mentally split and spent. This left me with a sense of lack, which is silly given that I hadn't even had the money yet. It is like the demons that need to be pacified hide in the shadows and wait until they see a glint of gold. As soon as this occurs these desperate energies descend like proverbial harpies and it is all I can do to hold onto what I have. I am realising now (thanks to some great advice from Zoe) that I need to wait until the harpies have flown away empty handed before I choose the way in which to apply the money. This will allow me to not give in to panic and end up blowing the money on whichever fear is the most intimidating. It seems so simple and it is a technique I apply in pretty much every other area of my life, but with money it is so easy to lose my head and given in to these pressures. What is worse is allowing these thought to intrude on situations with our combined money since we have had to pool resources to make things work.
    I am hoping that there will be a better way to deal with these concerns than to be paying constant attention to them, but it may simply be learning to be more aware! When this card appears, it is showing us that we are holding onto something too tightly in our life and are not open to an influx of the new, be it a relationship, a new job, more money or even a new way of thinking.
   

VIII- Strength

  The Strength card is one of my favourite cards. It might just be because I feel an affinity for the card based on my Leo sun sign and its qualities reflect those I find admirable, or that I like the imagery and message it brings.
   Last night I wrote out the entire entry for Strength, but I felt there was something missing from what I had written. This morning I had a dream which will help elucidate the real message behind the card. 
    In the dream I was creating a piece of artwork, which frankly was a little bit of a mess... certainly not my best piece, even though it was destined for a showing or an examination of some kind. I was also having trouble filling out the shipping details, as I had to write around what someone else had written. The ticket was also addressed to either a Newman or Neoman, it was hard to read the writing. This type of situation is something I have had trouble with before, producing a sub-par piece of work when it really matters.
    Looking at the dream allowed me to realise, like my previous attempt at an entry here, that I was not connecting with the matter at hand. I was phoning it in. It may have been to do with the late hour, or the fact that I didn't want to come across as self-aggrandizing when discussing Strength as it relates to my own life. I have been through a great deal of situations that have required a monumental amount of inner strength and discussing my own strengths, is, paradoxically not one of my strengths. 
     I am surrounded in my life by strong people, people who have taken adversity and turned it upside down (my wife Zoe being a good example of this). Looking at many of these friends of mine, you might not see Herculean muscles or battle scarred faces, but those are not the real indicators of strength. What these people possess is a humility and a quiet dignity, they don't crow their accomplishments, nor do they rub their achievements in peoples faces. They go about their lives simply, standing up to injustice in whatever form they might meet it. They may not come out of such encounters like the mythical hero without a scratch, but the fact that they take on their problems is the real strength.
     There is a reason that you do not see a picture of a hugely muscled warrior bashing in the head of the lion with a club on this card and that is because that is not the strength that this card is talking about. Hercules is often seen as the archetypal solar hero, possessed of great strength and a huge heart. I always loved watching his show when it was on TV, it was so tongue in cheek, yet it managed to capture the core of what his strength was really about. He didn't go about picking fights with hapless individuals, he walked across the land helping those in need. His heart was his real strength, his courage and his compassion for the common man. His great physical strength was simply a tool for his head and his heart, under their loving guidance. Without his heart, he would have been no better than the monsters he vanquished, a bully and a villain. I often felt Iolaus, his companion, often showed just as much strength and courage. Like Sam Gamgee from Lord of the Rings, he played second fiddle to the hero. But these secondary characters were often much more heroic in my opinion, they didn't possess the mythic strength of the main character yet they unfailingly stood beside them and carried them when they fell. Both of these characters showed that real strength stems from the heart and not from any divine gift, or sacred duty. 
     In the card the woman gently closes the mouth of the ferocious lion, her compassion and gentleness moving him where brute strength would fail. She is a metaphor for the higher part of us, the heart and the mind which appear outwardly weak. The lion represents the emotions and the body in all its physicality, our powerful animal drives and needs. Strong without, but ultimately without inner strength. Together they form a powerful union. This union can only be achieved through kindness and compassion, our desires cannot be overmastered nor subdued (or if they are it is only a temporary victory).
    In the twelve labours of Hercules, he was given the task of cleaning out the Augean Stables. These stables were the home of 1000 head of cattle and it had not been cleaned out in 30 years. The task was meant to be humiliating and impossible, even for one with divine strength. Instead, Hercules rerouted one of the rivers so that it ran through the stables, both cleaning them out and fertilising all the farmland around the stables. In this instance, Hercules used his mind to achieve what brute force alone would never have been able to accomplish. 
     In the Crowley version of the card, it is named Lust and has a very slightly different meaning, although one I feel it is important to mention. It doesn't relate to the vice of lust, but in doing something lustily, with great vigour and desire. It relates to heartily connecting to your goal, so that with your heart and feelings behind it, the outcome is inevitable. It is a key to magickal workings, as without the power of the heart, they are simply empty rituals. Astrologically this card relates to Leo and the heart. In the Kabbalah it corresponds to the pathway between Geburah and Gedullah (mercy and severity). It indicates that strength is the balance between merciful giving and correctly applied severity. Aptly named compassion.
    Compassion is not simply mindless giving. It involves an intelligent and heartfelt understanding of what is actually necessary for an individual to move forward. Sometimes this involves giving, at other times this can involve withholding. The key being the correct application of the right action at the precise moment. It means treating the lion with care, but not allowing it to chomp on your hand. 
    This card is a powerful key. If one can apply lust, heart, compassion and bravery to ones actions then they combine to form Strength. They create the conditions for success, which are indicated by the garland of roses and the laurel wreath worn by the figure in the card. Her white robes indicates her purity and true intention of heart. 
     Strength is actually a pretty rare commodity. It requires mental fortitude and a keen understanding of self. In order to build strength in ourselves first we must understand the force that is controlling us, be it an addiction, a compulsion, a desire or a habit. Letting this force run around roaring is not strength and actually shows a lack of control and a weakness of character. Seeing our weakness is a big part of strength. It takes great strength of character to admit a weakness, especially a true weakness, not one we find is socially acceptable or that will make us appear strong by its admission. Usually these weaknesses are ugly and we don't want to face them, let alone show them to someone else and say..hey..this is part of me.

   If we can accept that this weakness is a part of us, then we have made that first step towards true strength as only with recognition can any true healing begin. Being aware of our weaknesses allows us to build on them, or understand that we are not perfect. The greatest examples of strength in overcoming adversity have begun with a recognition of an obstacle to surmount. This is the very first step.

     The next step is bravery, the strength to face it regardless of its seeming overwhelming power, to not run or hide. This is really only common sense. Hiding from a problem does not solve it and in many cases may only prolong the suffering.

     Finally we must remember compassion. We must show compassion to ourselves, to that part of us that wants to fight or run, or scream and destroy. The part that is weak and needy. We must understand that this part has a message for us and its real aim is to ally with us. Every desire has a reason for its existence and by understanding what is at the root we can free ourselves of it and add its power to our own. 

    The card is showing us that only by recognising a weakness can we make it a strength. Both the female figure and the lion have a strength and a weakness, but together each one's strength more than makes up for their individual weaknesses. 

    In my own life I have been able to apply this. I recently decided that a job I had applied for was not for me. I had been treated poorly and not given the respect I was due as a human being. My first reaction was to respond like a wounded lion, either wanting to get away from the pain or to attack the source of my anger. I was able to soothe that part of myself by waiting and listening compassionately to how I felt in the situation. Once the animalistic part of me was done roaring and felt heard and listened to, I was able to use my mind to consider how to move forward. Rather than coming from a place of feeling, I was able to clearly point out all the areas in which I had been mistreated in a measured response. I wrote back to the employer and clearly stated all the actions that were out of alignment and were unacceptable, without the emotional energy. These points included not responding to emails, not calling me when there was work and calling at 5am without any prior notice. I also stated I would not be returning and that he should treat new employees better.

     His response was that he was sorry I felt that way, which at first glance seems reasonable. But upon closer inspection I understood that I had not been talking subjectively and had simply stated facts. His email stood as a denial of my stated facts and as a protective measure for his own ego. As I did not write from an emotional space, it became clearly evident he could not accept his own actions and wanted to make it about my emotions. This would have worked wonderfully if there was a part of me questioning myself about responding when I was annoyed, but since I had left it several days and included no subjective elements I could clearly see his maneuvering. I felt no need to correct him, as it is obvious his ego would never allow him to recognise any wrongdoing on his behalf. This is a common tactic for bullies or the emotionally weak, who would rather cast doubt on your actions than examine their own. I am glad to have stood up and confronted such behaviour and I feel it is reflective of a new type of strength for me.
    
        
     

Knight of Cups. Idealism and the Holy Grail.

  The Knight of Cups is one of the court cards that I feel a connection to. This connection may lay somewhat in my past, but this card still holds a resonance for me.
    The Knight in the card reminds me of the Grail legends, of one of King Arthur's Knights. He has an air of chivalry and romance about him, dressed in armour of old bearing a chalice before him.
   In the legends, each of the Knights of the round table was charged with seeking the Holy Grail and returning to King Arthur's court at Camelot. Now depending on which legend you read, several of the Knights were successful in their quest to retrieve the Grail. These are typically Galahad, Percival and Gawain (although Bors was accounted to have witnessed it).
   Regardless, the idea of the virtuous knight on a holy quest is what resonates with this card and the figure therein. When I was younger, this archetype held a great deal of resonance. I am not sure if many boys still imagine themselves to be goodly knights, but it was the ideal that I looked up to.
   The idea of chivalry and good conduct, of virtue and honour was something I felt very deeply. I loved the stories and for me they represented the paragon of the male ideal. Someone strong, brave and powerful, but only willing to apply that to a virtuous cause.
     The knight in the card is astride a white charger, a symbol of innocence and virtue and he pauses before a river. The water shows that this is a sensitive individual, one given to dreaming of white knights and princesses...an idealist. The fishes on his tabard relate to dreams and this individual has a very active dream life, which he wears proudly.
     One element to note is that the knight has no weapons and rides only bearing the cup of his emotions. He rides for love alone and that he believes is all he needs. He is no cynic and he wears his heart on his sleeve, ready to trust and even to lay down his life for another if necessary. The wings upon his armour relate to the element of air and thus to intellect. While he may carry no sword, he is armoured as he understands that the world may not be able to live up to his ideals.
     The chalice itself is a holy vessel and relates to the sacred feminine. The quest for the holy grail was nothing other than a quest to find completion for the male aspect in ascendance. The attainment of the Grail was a symbol of the integration of the sacred feminine. As a result this character is in touch with his female side and while others may feel this makes him weak, it actually makes him whole.
    He is still a young knight though and this card relates more to the story of Percival the first time he finds the grail. In this tale, the young knight Percival is tasked by the dying king to find the grail so that he can restore the land that has been blighted. At the beginning of his journey the young knight finds the grail at a castle, but doesn't recognise it for its holiness and as a result is unable to obtain it. Once he leaves the castle, it promptly vanishes and the knight realises his error. The rest of the tale is of his quest to find his way back to the castle and retrieve it having many adventures along the way. He does succeed in the end and manages to return the land to virility and fullness, but only after a stretch of long arduous years.
       The knight has not reached maturity yet and although his ideals are true, they are untested in the world. The grail legends are actually an initiatory journey for the masculine spirit of the west, mirroring the journey each man needs to pass through before he can become whole. Many men never even begin their quest for understanding, a great deal are lost after achieving their initial goal and cannot bear to think they had the answer in their hands, but some do find wholeness and this is the path they take. These stories hold many keys to understanding the archetypal trials that every man must face in order to find wholeness. There are also such stories for women such as Beauty and the Beast and Cinderella which continue to live on and inspire.
    For me the card brings back my idealistic past, of how I believed the world could won through love alone. That one only needed high ideals and great moral fortitude in order to change the world. That part of me still lives on, but he is wiser now and has faced a great number of trials. Maybe at some point I will still be able to deliver the grail to the king and bring back vitality to the land.
    It is easy to become jaded, to be a cynic, to see life as nothing but dry and desiccated. These are the lost ones on the road, who have given up their quest and wait for be proven right as they are swallowed by their own empty oblivions. I still believe in magic and in hope, for without belief in these then there is no chance we will ever find them in our lives.
     

Giving the benefit of the doubt

  Relaxing in the bath and musing over the events of the day I had a little Eureka moment of my own.
  What I had been musing on was a phrase I tend to use often which is "giving someone the benefit of the doubt". I hadn't really considered this phrase before even though I use it fairly regularly and it has become a dictum by which I try and live my life.
   The dictionary defines it as "to believe something good about someone, rather than something bad, when you have the possibility of doing either". I tend to do this as a matter of course, believing it to be a fair and gentlemanly way to conduct oneself. Lately however I have a feeling that this modus operandi is not working in my favour.
    If I am unbalancing the scales in someone's favour, then it can hide all number of deceits that individual may perform. Surely fairness is better than offering a skewed scale, even if it is one that would seem to favour peaceful resolution (and possible conflict avoidance). Provided that the individual never tips the scale beyond a certain point, then it is likely I will not do anything to redress the balance.
   The maxim certainly doesn't seem very effective when the person in question is someone who tends to operate by sowing doubt about their actions. By creating a reasonable doubt they can hide all number of ills, when my gut is telling me the opposite.
    I have begun to consider that people who sow doubts, especially in yourself are usually up to no good. The margin of error I give them may well be the inch of rope I hang myself with. Most actual reasonable people do not give regular reason to doubt them or their motives and if they do they are more than willing to come clean and unashamedly open themselves up to scrutiny.
    This of course only needs to occur when a person gives you a reason to doubt them or their motives and if they prove themselves to be true, then an apology is often unnecessary.
      In my own life and the life of people around me recently I have seen a slew of people trying to shift blame and to place seeds of doubt in others. This is especially effective if the victim has a strong sense of conscience as a highly conscientious person does not wish to be placing blame on another without sufficient evidence. The people involved in doing so have used a number of different tactics to achieve their aims such making the victim responsible for their own bad treatment, creating a sense of reasonable doubt, asking for evidence and many other tactics.
    Zoe and I have recently been watching a slew of crime shows from the obsessive compulsive Monk, to the little Belgian (Poirot) and our recent pleasure is Castle. One thing I have gleaned from the shows is that when the murderer starts talking about evidence he is clearly guilty of something. The detectives in the shows cannot afford to give the benefit of the doubt as reasonable doubt plays into every situation they are in. Of course at the end, evidence is necessary to create the case and put the guy/girl away, but they seek evidence from all parties, including the innocent parties. If this is obstructed then there is a reason to be suspicious.
    Often in my life I find that I am easily thrown off by a profession of innocence or a person creating doubt, rather than a lack of a evidence. In fact I would go so far as to say I ignore evidence to make things fit into a situation in which there will be no wrongdoing.
   Maybe this comes from my belief that all people at their core are good. This I do feel truly, even if the person is not aware of it, but I have failed to take into account that the person who feels that way will act in accordance with their beliefs. If a person believes that they are bad, that the universe is unfair or that they have to get one up on others to survive, they will act in accordance with this regardless of whether it is true or false. They will seek to perpetuate their belief systems because they believe them to be true. I can't rely on that core level of goodness to help me out, because that person is not in touch with that element of themselves. I am not here to prove them wrong, but I can take steps to avoid being stung by such pessimists by recognising their ability to act in accordance with their core beliefs regardless of their veracity.
    This little insight into human behaviour has just given me the ability to look at situations without a bias towards the positive..which believe it or not...is a positive thing!
   
 
 

2 of Swords. Denial and innocence.

 The two of swords is all about denial. Most of the time this denial is not something we are consciously engaging in, but it there never-the-less.
   It is tough to be in denial. I think I am in denial about my current situation and this makes this card all the more pertinent. The two swords represent the two choices presented before us, usually in an either/or scenario. Both of these options are unenviable. For me it relates to a job situation that is currently occurring. It snowed last night and all today, and for a guy with a snow shoveling job it should be busy, busy, busy. But my phone remained remarkable silent regardless of my going to bed at 10am and preparing myself to rise at 5am.
    Now I am in the unenviable position of trying to decide how to respond. After the debacle on Friday with the job (he called at 5am with no prompting and was a jackass when I called him back) I have to decide if not being called on a severe weather warning day is a brush off or that he simply had no business (which seems very unlikely). My gut tells me he is trying to "punish" me for not being available for his call and is therefore getting off on a power trip.
   This is where the denial comes in. Denial would at first glance seem to serve me well. Just wait a while... maybe I am not seeing the situation right... The money would be very helpful right now... Maybe I really don't want to work and this is a convenient excuse to be as lazy as I have been accused of in the past...I should really give him the benefit of the doubt...
   The figure is dressed totally in white, even down to the blindfold. White is typically related to innocence and purity. Does this mean that the figure is innocent in their situation? It would seem so. So then maybe this innocence is related to the blindfold. It is pretty easy to deny something you are innocent of knowing. Innocence and ignorance are close bedfellows and the figure is not facing up to the situation because of the lack of information. In my situation, I do not have the luxury of knowing all the facts, I really can't see what is going on behind the scenes. So maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
   The two choices seem to be either retaliation or submission. I could either call him on his behaviour, or let it go. Neither seem that fun. While writing a shouty email would be cathartic, it may just lead to further unpleasantness (and face it unpleasantness is not a skill I worked on honing). It is also just playing the game...do I have to adopt shoutyness as a personality trait to deal with individuals like this? Submission is equally repulsive, but it does come with a possible cash payoff (and I could really do with the cash).
   Looking at the card the symbolism seems to point to another option. The figure has her arms crossed over her chest. This means she is covering and protecting her heart and her vulnerability. If I could just relax out of the situation so it doesn't seem like a fight or flight scenario then I might be able to step away from the adrenalised solutions that appear in my mind. Following a course that feels good really is the best option and maybe if I stop being in defensive mode then I can start seeing clearly.
    Behind her we also see the seashore. The sea is an ancient symbol for the unconscious and this shoreline looks a little rocky. Trying to navigate a reef with a blindfold is asking for trouble. With her blindfold, she is  not even aware of the sea behind her. It suggests a tool that can be used to help determine the correct course which she is not making use of.
    In my situation it seems like facing the situation and leaving it up to my subconscious to figure it out might be the best option. The moon suggests sleeping on it might not be too bad an idea. It is transitioning and the fact that it relates to emotion might suggest that I may feel different in the morning.
   In the end, it feels like I am innocent rather than truly in denial and choosing an option while I am still emotional and unable to see all the pieces of the puzzle would be a bad move. I do trust my intuitions and I am sure that my subconscious will deliver up to me the ideal solution for this situation!

10 of Pentacles. Wealth and inheritance.

  The 10 of Pentacles has been a rare card in my readings. It is a good card, with a lot of positive elements.
  The suit of Pentacles is concerned with money, health and family. The last card in the suit of Pentacles as a number 10 it signifies the end and culmination of material matters. The Pentacles are a symbol for the element of earth and earth, like water, only strengthens with multiplicity. Therefore, this card is very positive when it comes to material endeavours as the suit has come full circle to the full embodiment of material power that was present in the Ace.
   The card is full of rich imagery and it is hard to tell where things begin and end with the fullness of the card. The pentacles themselves are laid out in a pattern that reflects the Tree of Life (the ten sephiroth from the Kabbalah). The tree is a map of human consciousness and the universe based on the idea of what is above is also reflected below and that all creation can be seen in a single grain of sand. The 10 of Pentacles is really the last in the series of Minor Arcana with what was begun with the Ace of Swords (the original expression of a thought, if one is using the kabbalistic school of thought ). Being the last, it also reflects the beginning as all cycles do and the symbol of the tree is homage to that.
    Looking at the card one can see the full range of life played out in the card: there is a child, a couple and an elder with several dogs around him. This shows the connection to the family and the idea of generations. One can see how it can be connected to the idea of inheritance or family wealth. The card is also set within a house as evidenced by the archway with a city view, which suggests security but not in a restrictive fashion. There is so much detail as to be overwhelming, which is only right given the Pentacles as the ruler of the material realm. Pictures of castles and boats adorn the inner walls of the house along with a fresco on the left of the image, all showing material wealth and extravagance.
    The city beyond shows a tower, a house and the city wall, all depicted in a rather neutral orange/yellow almost as if it were reaching dusk and the sunset were reflecting off the walls. Each of the symbols represent security and stability in a very man-made fashion and the flash of green above the walls shows it is not unconnected with nature.
   The child represents youth and he reaches out to touch the tail of the dog, who is in turn at the lap of the elder creating a cycle between all the players. The male figure in the couple is a guardsman with his spear at the ready, although he is engaged in friendly dialogue with the mother of the child. This represents the idea of safety and protection and no immediate danger. The elder represents the final phase of the cycle and so he is richly adorned in a robe of earthy colours, covered in patterns and geometric shapes. These elements are not the typical metaphysical symbols and look certainly more like fashionable or aesthetic choices. The chair in which he sits is green with grapes upon it, again symbolising abundance and fruitfulness.
    As I previously stated, this card appears rarely for me and my relationship with this card is an unknown. Since it is Minor Arcana it is related to an energy that is prevalent at the particular time. It does reflect some of the changes that have been going on in my life.
   Last night I had a dream in which I was travelling to an unknown destination, it was getting late in the day so I decided to pull my car over to the side (a red muscle car with white stripe which I knew as a Mustang) and try and find somewhere to stay. I entertained the idea of continuing on through the night, but my final destination seemed foggy in my mind and I decided that stopping would be best. There was a general feeling of disorientation and lack of stability, given I wasn't quite sure where I was going or where I would be staying.  I ended up entering a temple which consisted of several floors and seemed to be themed in a Celtic fashion with Triskells on the walls. Within were several welcoming priestesses who asked me about my journey as to ascertain my purpose and my connection. I started to recount my journey and its ups and downs and the various animals that had aided me thus far. I mentioned a Kingfisher, an Otter and a Crane and said I had footage of them coming to my aid. At this, they offered me a place to stay for the night and the dream ended.
    Looking at the symbolism of these particular animals I am struck by the fact that they all are linked to two elements. The Kingfisher and Crane to air and water and the Otter to water and earth. All of the animals felt like they had a numinous quality to me (one that carries beyond the dream) and I am heartened by their appearance. They are also all animals that are linked to the Celtic pantheon and their environs and they are not collage-like scraps from my day (unlike the Mustang...which I feel is sheer wish fulfillment).
   What this dream relates to me is that with adopting a level of certitude in my choice of career, it brings up several different elements. It seems like my endless wandering without a final destination is at least taking a break in order to create a bond to the earth and for me to set down some roots. My connection has always strongly been to movement and flight as evidenced by the bird symbolism, but all these animals make their homes in or close to the earth and the river bank in particular.
   Creating a level of fixedness and stability does bring up some fears in me that I will not be able to travel so freely as I have, but I feel these fears may in fact prove to be completely unfounded. The card is about a healthy flow of income, one that even allows for and suggests extravagance as shown by the boats and castles  on the walls. With a level of security, taking flight may be even easier as I don't have to carry all my belongings with me on each trip. My journey has had its ups and downs and I know I would not have made it without inner assistance.
   Finding a castle and a temple for me is paramount for me, even if it is only a nest to launch myself from and to take rest in. This card talks to me of the feeling of homecoming and material security I have been seeking to build for myself for the greatest time. Allowing myself to recognise and enjoy those creature comforts, knowing that I am motivated and strong enough for them not to become traps for me.

5 of Swords. Bullying and intimidation.

 I didn't actually draw this card from the deck, but I feel it is time to confront the issues that this card pertains to rather than passively waiting for its turn. I had a dream last night about one of the cards, but the image of the card was unclear. All I could make out was that there was a single primary figure facing left, searching through my deck I found the five of swords and it all made sense.
   The five of swords is not the most pleasant card to find and the issues it talks about make me feel uncomfortable. Last year about this time I encountered a very difficult situation in my personal life. A former close friend and partner entered my life again after walking out on our friendship five years prior. She had left abruptly with no explanation and cut all contact, both with me and all her supposedly good friends here, telling us not to seek contact. We had been extremely close and I had counted her among my most valuable friends, so her subsequent leaving without explanation hit me extremely hard and there had been no way to gain closure on the situation. When she came back, she decided that she would stay at the place I worked at, yet didn't seem interested in making contact. I had hoped she was trying to reconcile things from her past, or at least foster some kind of understanding of what had happened. This wasn't the case.
    For me, it brought up a great deal of ill feeling towards her. I had been treated abominably and was expected to put it all behind me and just greet her as though she had just popped out to pick up some milk and had gotten a little delayed. Feeling overcome with rage and anger I made the choice not to meet with her, since I didn't feel like I would be able to control my actions or my emotions and didn't want to risk being damaged again (or damaging her!). Plus, she had chosen my workplace as a her chosen venue to stay so losing my cool while working was not a good idea. I did take the opportunity to explain all my feelings in a letter which I had delivered to her. Of course she didn't reply, nor did she attempt to salve any of the hurt feelings. It became obvious that I had badly misjudged her in believing she would act in a responsible or compassionate manner.
   For the year afterwards I allowed myself to get in touch with my rage and my anger, I left situations I found intolerable and let go of "friendships" that suffered from the same lack of concern or basic human empathy.
   It seems like things are coming around full circle for me as I realise that I cannot simply avoid such situations as they are constantly cropping up in life. Avoidance might be a better way to deal with abuse than taking it, but it is still far from optimal.
    The card itself is about one-upmanship, those smug fools who spar with words and emotions and take advantage of situations for their own selfish ends. In the card the figure at the right of the card appears to have vanquished his foes, either through unkind words or through mental sparring indicated by the swords. He collects his winnings in the form of the swords he is picking up from the ground. He is garbed in green and red, two highly contrasting colours mixing growth and passion. I feel this symbolises his aggressive stance towards winning at all costs. Ruthlessness and naked ambition are his tools and he doesn't care about who he hurts to get his way. This may be because he has been hurt by traumatic events, or because he enjoys feeling powerful by dominating those he feels threaten his position. None-the-less all of his actions come from a position of weakness and not strength.
      The two figures he has vanquished are garbed in yellow which is linked to the idea of cowardice. They have either lain down their swords or been beaten in the fighting. Either way the situation has not gone their way and the energy is left in imbalance with feelings of either resentment or regret.
    All conflicts end up in this fashion if followed through to their logical conclusion. This is a mental battle ground and the "victor" is the one that leaves with the energy. Ever notice how if you win in an argument you feel energised and when you lose you feel defeated and drained? This is to do with a literal energy exchange between the energy fields. Some people need to supplement their energy by arguing and there are those who know of no other way. Having grown up in a turbulent environment, or with people who regularly practise this form of energy exchange they learn to feel it is natural.
    As you can see in the card the backdrop shows a stormy sky and a melancholy sea. These indicate the feeling that accompany such situations, sadness, loss, regret on the side of the loser and smugness, arrogance and cruelty on the side of the winner. They are both sides of the same coin and the victor feels he must protect himself from being a loser and feeling the way they do, so he takes an aggressive stance and initiates battle before he is victimised.
    The card itself is highly polarised, offering only two possibilities. Either you are a aggressive victor dominating the situation, or you're a submissive loser who hides in shame or burns with resentment and regret.
   Like many of the cards that seem to offer only two unsatisfactory options, there is often a third option that holds the pathway to correct resolution. I have been on both sides and both feel equally unbalanced and unpleasant. I have taken the path of avoidance more than I have the aggressors path though and as a result I have still had to deal with this type of energy when it arises, but from the standpoint of a victim.
   I don't wish to be a victim to these sorts of situations any longer. During the period when I was really feeling the rage and anger arise, I took myself out of a lot of situations in which I could have easily turned into the aggressor. Being aggressive has a feeling of righteousness attached, but it still comes from a place of deep hurt and that hurt will only be spread to others if you act while in that space. For me it is difficult to adopt that standpoint and remain in good with my conscience.
    Trying to find the right level of response is key and mastering your anger is paramount. It is very easy to flip from one side of the coin to the other, from being a victim to being an aggressor. The only way out of this energy is to maintain your cool and deal from a higher point of awareness. This is much easier said than done, especially if another is pressing your buttons or abusing you mentally or verbally.
   With me I find it easy to get pulled into the victim mindset wanting to avoid the conflict that may already be occurring. I give the aggressor the benefit of the doubt, when they are often not deserving of it. I lose my ability to find humour in the situation and start taking things personally (especially when they are personal!). A good example happened to me this morning. I have started a part time job snow shoveling. I applied for the position in September (several months ago) and only heard back from them in October after I followed up on the call. They said they would get back in touch with me to tell me about orientation sometime in November.
   Last night it snowed. I got a call at 5am in the morning and was unable to make it to the phone before it rung off, there was no message left for me so I was not sure who called. When I woke sometime after 8 I realised I could dial *69 and then followed up by searching the number on the internet. I found out that it was the snow removal job and promptly called them back. The guy on the other end sounded a little annoyed as if I had let him down in some way and I apologised for not making it to the phone in time. I felt like I was making a feeble excuse and when I was finished on the phone I felt angry about the whole situation.
     It seems obvious that they would call me after a snow fall, but since I have never worked for them or heard from them in a several weeks I wasn't expecting a call at 5am. It is hardly surprising that I couldn't get to the phone in time. I understand that the guy may may not have been angry at me at all! But it is so easy to slide into this type of interaction and I end up suppressing my anger again for fear of shouting back when the situation doesn't warrant it.
     I wish to take myself out of this situation as I hate being on either side of the coin. I am starting to see that I may have underlying issues that allow me to spark off either way very easily, especially if I am pushed. This situation with my "friend" has re-opened a very old can of worms. I don't allow myself to act aggressively, either verbally or physically which means it all get suppressed. People have made the mistake before of thinking that I will be pushed around, but they usually end up seeing the flip side if it continues (although this is very rare and requires quite a bit of pushing).
  What is happening is that I allow things to get to me rather than seeing them as emotions arising in me and peacefully allowing them to pass before taking action. I get caught up in the roles and forget I am there to watch them and respond appropriately once I am centred, letting go of the attachment to my ego (which is the part that takes it personally).
   I might even write a list of things I take personally so I can be on the look out. Once I can spot them and let them go, I will be able to speak up and out without using undue force or reverting to avoidance.