Celtic roots and atheism

  Just a few weeks ago I took part in a Shamanic workshop based on Celtic and Pagan beliefs. I have wanted to talk about this since I was involved but I have needed a few weeks to let things settle.
   My previous understanding of Celtic and Pagan beliefs was based on what scraps are currently available in the media such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer...not the best reference I know... and my interactions with the tradition while I had lived in Scotland and Wales for a few years.
   Being brought up in the North East of England I was not really exposed to any of these beliefs. The predominant belief system in the majority of England is that of atheism (discounting areas near Glastonbury and more progressive areas dotted sparsely around the country). There was a common consensus that being an atheist is somehow more intelligent and is the only choice for a forward thinking individual, even if many of the people who hold and espouse these ideas have only gotten there by the virtue of them being the predominant way of thinking. I found that honest belief was extremely rare and I am hard pressed to think of individuals who didn't believe either in oblivion, atheism or were holding the belief that we cannot know anything beyond our basic senses (agnostics). This was despite a fervent and dogmatic belief in scientific doctrine...which was usually held with an incomplete understanding of scientific thought, the basis for these beliefs being here-say and peer pressure from opinionated know-it-alls.
    I have never really understood the reason for the depth and strength of this spiritual void that exists in England and previously the only possible answer had been the strength and prevalence of the Church and a strong and resilient resistance to the doctrines they bring. That there is great resistance to the blinkered and often dogmatic opinions of the church comes as no surprise and England has had a chequered past with the Church abusing its power. I was brought up in an irreligious environment as were all my peers (to my understanding) which is often very different to the upbringing many Americans have had. Even though I went to a church school and attended Sunday school (admittedly I just liked drawing pictures of lions eating Christians) I found that even the so-called "religious" folks had a world weary outlook and were simply trying to stem the tide of rampant atheism destroying their foundations.
    When I tried to discuss the more spiritual leanings I was finding in myself through meditation and the eastern thought I had been exposed to in my readings, I found that most people had a kind of knee jerk reaction. They seemed pinned between atheism and Christianity and could not step out from behind this dualism, that if someone rejected one, it simply meant accepting the other. It reminded me of a guy I met when I first came out to the US. He had been raised as a Christian in one of the more fundamental sects, one that didn't allow drinking, wearing shorts or other obviously heathen practices. He had rejected all of that and had fled his home and all he knew in order to find his own way, but like a butterfly whose wings are most vulnerable when its escapes its chrysalis like imprisonment he was in danger. Because his indoctrination was so strong he felt that there was only two choices and so had adopted Satanism through his rebelliousness. I recall sitting and talking with him and seeing the world as only consisting of two sides..even in spite of the great evidence that there were more than two simple routes. The practices of Satanism he was espousing seemed morally and socially dubious to me and I knew that this kind-hearted individual would not last long in that world. Unfortunately this meant that after finding Satanism was not to his liking he, felt that Christianity offered his only sanctuary. Sadly, he went back to his past re-adopting all its beliefs.
     In the US it seems that being an atheist or an agnostic is a kind of quirky belief that is just as fringe as any other myriad of beliefs out there. For me it is a relief to be out from that suffocating dualism and the scornful mocking and insufferable superiority that always accompanies it. None-the-less I have always been curious as to its true roots as the church alone doesn't seem powerful enough to evoke the strength of response you find in most individuals.
    Being British in a Celtic workshop in the US presupposes an affinity to Celtic lore and way of life... after all I have Celtic roots somewhere back in history and I was raised close to the land it talks of. Seeing things in this way gave me a fresh perspective. While I was living in Scotland and Wales, there are much closer ties to pre-Christian ways of thinking. Pagan festivals are a common occurrence even if you don't attend them there is an awareness of them occurring. While in Edinburgh there were several celebrations that involved leaping over fires and people painting themselves in very vivid colours and costume during the various pagan holidays. I started to wonder what had happened to our roots in the North of England. We are sadly so far cut off from any connection to our true Celtic roots that Morris dancing is our only link.
    Part of the workshop involved bringing a drum or a rattle to help with journey work and I had to make one myself as my funds have been extremely low. I have a book on Celtic knot-work, which I had always felt an affinity for and looking through the book for designs to add to the rattle I found several patterns that are attributed to North Yorkshire. Long before the Saxons, the Vikings and the Romans came and pillaged and destroyed our homes in the North we must have had our own beliefs and connections to the land.
    While in Scotland and Wales one of the sad elements I had to encounter was the hatred the Scottish and the Welsh have towards the English. I always felt a little removed because of my Italian ties, but I could definitely sense a hostility and several times in Wales I had had to avoid gangs of thugs who would have been quite happy to put an end to me or my friends. One birthday event even ended in a trip to the hospital for a friend of mine as we went to celebrate and encountered a select group of Welshmen who didn't like his face.
      I have understood that the English have had great deal to answer for in the treatment of our outlying brothers, but I had never really considered that the true English have suffered a much worse fate. We have become alienated from our roots and lost our Celtic heritage. No wonder there is such great resistance for any group that has attempted to land, conquer and tell us how to think. Even to the point where we became the bully we so greatly feared to many other cultures and countries. Our spirituality was lost to us all those long centuries ago, taken forcibly as we were made to believe in the Gods and beliefs of another. We have become so caught up in resisting, that our own connection to the land and our old ways has fallen to ash.
     Seeing the Celtic festival here in Flagstaff has always made me consider what has been lost in England. That Americans are able to celebrate their Celtic roots more readily than those who live on the land that once held that magic. We have become so bitter and alienated without a heritage to call our own we hide it behind false pride and a mocking deprecation of our own culture and that of others.
    By connecting with my Celtic heritage I have found a strength that has always been lacking, one that has been buried so deep as to be lost. It allows me to understand the loss the Native Americans feel, or any other culture who's way of life has been threatened and torn away from them. All I can do is offer my heartfelt apologies for the races, cultures or peoples that my ancestors have damaged and hope that maybe they can show us the way back to our own roots in the Earth.

5 of Cups. Loss and Disappointment.

 The five of Cups is known as the card of disappointment and with just one look at the card you can see why. The figure at the centre of the card is wearing a heavy dark cloak with which he or she is covering themselves, either in grief or mourning. At the figures feet you can see three cups which have spilled their contents on the ground. The cups once contained three brightly coloured liquids of crimson, red and green.
   Cups are symbolic of the emotions and the spilled liquids represent feelings that are now lost. The heavy black cloak is showing the depressed and dark mood of the querent, a shroud that prevents anything from being seen clearly.
   Behind the figure sit two further cups, which are as yet unspilled. They show that all is not lost, even if a loss has been experienced. The liquids on the ground are an unusual colour, which shows the possibility that what was lost may not have been all that positive as a green liquid may in fact be symbolic of a poison.
  Further behind the figure is a river and bridge that crosses it, leading onward to a castle surrounded by greenery. The castle is a symbol of the security and prosperity that lies not much further on just across the river.
    Disappointment and loss are particularly difficult emotions to deal with as they can often cloud your ability to see your situation clearly. The figure in the card is consumed by these emotions and refuses to look out from under the heavy shroud they carry and see that they still have two cups and that sanctuary is close at hand.
  We all have to face disappointment and loss in our lives, some events loom much larger in our lives than others. I have been no stranger to loss and disappointment in my life and there have been times when these feelings have overwhelmed me and it has seemed as though nothing could replace the loss. In these instances one must remember that while consumed by these thoughts and emotions it is not possible to think or see clearly.
   Loss, grief and mourning provide some of the hardest trials in our lives and can leave wounds that are raw and painful and impossible to contemplate in their entirety. In such events we are left feeling powerless before them, often wondering if the responsibility was ours or if there was another course of action that would have prevented these events from transpiring.
  When such events occur there is little that can be done immediately until the feelings have subsided somewhat as any action taken during the emotional upheaval has likelihood of being influenced by our inability to perceive clearly. In the card the figure looks to the left which is typically symbolic of the past and if he were to move while his eyes were yet covered it is likely he would either not see the sanctuary over the bridge or that he may knock over more of his cups.
    This card relates to our current position where it would be easy for us to be disappointed with how things have turned out for us and the losses we have had to endure because of it. We know that sanctuary beckons, but often there is a pervasive fear that accompanies disappointment which whispers that such events will continue to manifest and it is the reality you should accept. At this time both Zoe and I have put our faith in the universe and trusted that things will work out for us if we take the route we have. Disappointment and loss have reared their heads and they have caused us to question the validity of our choices given that sanctuary is still on the horizon for us and we have both made sacrifices to stay authentic to ourselves. We are still in the midst of that loss and disappointment and our actions have still to bear fruit. I do not wish to compile a list of our woes as it just brings attention to them, when really we wish to focus on that which we still have available to us and the path that lies ahead.
   What we have to accept it that loss and disappointment can visit us all, but we shouldn't let it dictate our course and that in many circumstances there is nothing but to weather the storm and wait for the rainbow. We understand that even in the depths of loss there is still the seed of hope and the possibility for future growth.

King of Wands. Transformation by fire.

 This card has been sat on my desk for almost a week while my life has taken several different turns and I had been unable to continue on with blogging. After I look at the card itself I will go into a little detail about these transitions and where I am at now.
   The King of Wands is often my card...let me explain. Each of the court cards represents a certain character type, often with an astrological aspect. My sun sign is Leo and Leo falls in several other areas in my chart. The King of Wands is representative of the fire signs and as can be seen a lion sits emblazoned on the throne just behind the King's head. Often when I do a reading and this card shows up, it symbolises for me my place in the reading or offers me some other insight.
    The King in this card appears almost to sit at the edge of his throne as if he is eager to be up and off. His gaze is fixed on the horizon and he is ready with his staff to be away and moving. As with all fire signs, sitting still is not a virtue they often readily possess and it needs to be cultivated. The little lizard at his feet is a perfect symbol of this quickness of character, never staying in one place too long and even when apparently basking can move with unnerving speed.
    This speedy motion should not be confused with a nervousness, the King has long since past cultivated a purpose and motivation for his actions. This King does not dither, he knows where he wants to be and has the drive and passion to get there. He has a burning desire to follow his passions and his purpose and that is what has him moving with alacrity. This character is not one that does well with periods of enforced waiting, especially if he feels he already has a goal on the horizon he needs to be getting to. This can be a weakness for this character, that of moving too quickly and before things are fully in motion.
   The King wears a red robe which speaks of his passion and vigour which is openly on display, the green mantle on his shoulders shows that this activity is compassionate, caring and heart based. The yellow and orange cloak he wears along with his sandstone throne all speak of his bright and upbeat nature which is openly on display. The King has no hidden motives and cannot abide duplicity, his speech is forthright and to the point.
   The throne and his cloak have symbols of both lions and salamanders covering them. The lion is a symbol of courage, strength, royalty and has great alchemical significance as it appears in several forms in the alchemical process of individuation. Its devouring qualities are highly transformative, as being devoured has the connotations of death and rebirth through a destructive breaking down and reforming of the self. Just think of the many tales of the hero being devoured or swallowed before being released at their destination (such as Jonah and the Whale). The salamander is also a symbol of transformation through rebirth in flames. Like the mythical phoenix the salamander is also birthed in the flames of purification. The phoenix must die in the fire in order to be reborn, but the salamander is immune to the fire and flame by virtue of its resilience and was reputed to be able to quench flames such was its affinity. A greater understanding of the fire signs leads to the understanding of transformation through being tempered by the fire, or re-forged.
    The phoenix is related to Scorpio and therefore rebirth through spiritual death. The lion and salamander are related to Leo and transformation through being reforged or tempered. This is a nuanced difference as it doesn't require the destruction of the prima materia to become something new, but has a regenerative quality. In layman's terms transformation through death requires the complete destruction of prior form, as being reduced to ash and a new form arising from the ash. Transformation through flame is when the destructive qualities of the flame bring out a regenerative aspect in the element...a good example being the cowardly lion in the wizard of oz. He transforms through a difficult situation which brings forth latent qualities in him, unlike the Scarecrow who has to be dismembered in order to be reborn.
   The meaning behind this of course is that the King is a much transformed individual although at some level he remains the same, his worldly travails and adventures have tempered and reformed him.
     The past and current situations in my life have definitely been such for me. I undertook a Celtic Shamanic workshop a week back and it has opened up a whole new realm of understanding for me. I have found connection to a level of grounded spirituality that has been unavailable to me for the longest time. It has connected me to my roots in way I wasn't sure was possible. Being of dual heritage, Italian and English has mostly been a boon to me, but there have been a few areas that were not all positive. I have found it hard to find my own roots without being able to call either place fully home. Having an Italian name constantly reminded me of my difference growing up. I grew up in a predominantly white area, but to label it as that would be woefully inaccurate. Growing up in England people seemed unaware of such differences, the primary differences being that of class or income. Never-the-less I was seen as a minority and not in a bad way given that the majority of Italian stereotypes are mostly positive, but instead my heritage was always dismissed when it did come up. I would hear, you aren't Italian you are English..or similar sentiments. Then on the other hand I would be expected to understand and speak Italian from others and to be familiar with the Italian way of life, or the fact that military service in Italy was a strong possibility if I ever wanted to live in Italy during my youth. Somehow I got it into my mind that my connection was somewhat faulty on the Italian side.
    But in doing this course I realised that my deep connection to all things Italian was fine and healthy, I felt more connected to Ancient Greek mythology (The south of Italy was actually part of the Greek civilization when it was thriving and it was likely that many great "Greek" thinkers actually lived there (Pythagorus definitely was!)). Instead it was my understanding of my English roots that was unsure. I will discuss this more later on a post dedicated to Celtic spirituality.
  What this did do however was cause me to question several things deeply. At the same time events in the "real" world were also picking up speed...or should I say losing momentum.  Our money diminished to zero. The job Zoe was counting on for some income continued to push back her actual start date and the jobs I have lined up are not beginning until November. For the first time in my life I went to bed hungry without any real option to do anything but hope the next day would bring new hope. The workshop had brought up lots of things to work through and I found meditating extremely difficult, so no reprieve there. Then my graphics card exploded with a loud crack putting my computer out of commission. I was able to use Zoe's little laptop to check mail, but was unable to continue blogging or using the internet. Facebook also decided that it wasn't going to give me any updates or emails for 3 or 4 days (I didn't realise this until they all arrived at once).
     Luckily my family came to our rescue and have gifted us with enough money to make it through the next week or so and for me to start providing healing treatments at a local business once I drum up some clients.
     This card really does symbolise how I feel...ready to go. I feel as though I am sat at the edge of my seat, ready to go forward, but unable to until November. I am hoping that these situations are bringing out qualities in me that will transform me into a better person. We have certainly been through a fire and chewed up by our situation, we just hope it will spit us out somewhere positive!
   
 

VII- The Chariot. Balanced forward movement.

  The Chariot is the warrior king returning home after a successful battle. He is one of the Major Arcana and I have had plenty of time over the weekend to consider this enigmatic figure. There are several powerful issues he speaks to, but we should look at the large amount of symbolism to begin with.
    The warrior-king sits in a chariot that directly faces the viewer and his strong and unwavering gaze looks directly at the viewer. He himself is adorned with battle armour that is scalloped and fluted and futher reinforced with scale mail beneath it. His pauldrons (shoulder plates) have crescent shapes on and moon like faces embossed onto them, all of which points to the roots of this card in Cancer. The shell, the scales and the moons point to their heavy armouring and connection to the seas and tidal patterns. He wears both a crown and a laurel wreath which symbolises his rulership is one based on martial victories and conquests. His battle smock and belt are covered in runes and symbols of unknown origins which to me talks of his having ranged far afield to foreign shores in his pursuit of martial victory.
     In his hand he holds a sceptre like rod with which he can direct the flow of battle from his place in the chariot. One further item of note concerning the central figure is the fact that he seems one with the stone chariot, as if he has grown out of the very stone, as if he and his vehicle are one and the same. It is almost as if he is an embodiment of the chariot that he commands. Such is his mastery over the beasts that pull the vehicle that he needs now reigns as if they are simply an extension of his will.
       The chariot itself is composed of a cube like section of stone. Looking at the card one can see a steady doubling of figures within the card, the single being commanding the chariot becomes the two beasts pulling it. There is a four sided square upon his breastplate and he sits within a cube of stone with eight sides. All this suggests a steady balance and a strong foundation for the card, which is one of balance and equilibrium.
       A chariot has but two wheels and is pulled forward by the balance between the these two, like a bicycle it only is truly balanced when it is in motion. The crest on the front of the chariot shows a spinning top, or a single spindle with a wheel on it. This again is a symbol of equilibrium through motion, similar to the way that a king who rules through conquering can only maintain his equilibrium by the constant application of movement or force and can never maintain his rule without it. The wings above the crest are connected to Zoroastrianism, that ancient religion that believed in the absolute good and evil or light and dark and their constant battle. Above the figure is a canopy covered in draped blue cloth adorned with stars, which speaks of the night and the canopy of stars which is the realm of cancer and the moon.
       In front of the chariot lay two sphinxes, fabulous beasts of Egyptian mythology, beings with the bodies of lions and the head and breasts of women. The sphinx was a guardian creature protecting great treasures with their knowledge of cryptic riddles. They would pose riddles and a correct answer would result in access to the treasure (or wisdom) and an incorrect guess would result in death. They were often gatekeepers of ancient secrets. In this image one is black and one is white, symbolising the forces of light and darkness. The charioteer in order to move forward must keep them in absolute balance lest he be pulled off course.
     Behind him is a great river and a castle wall protecting the city within. The Charioteer is the aggressive protector of the city, even though it may already be well guarded by its moat and walls.
     For me this card speaks of aggressive masculine energies and the mastery thereof. This type of energy has a terrible reputation and it is responsible for some of the worst atrocities within human history, yet when one looks at the card there is no negative element present. Learning to master these energies can be fraught with peril as they can so easily be applied to tyranny and destruction, yet they are ultimately necessary forces in our life lest we be overtaken by with their use for negativity. The same forces are necessary for the destruction of evil and ignorance within our lives and those we care about. The city behind the charioteer appears able to hold off any attacker with its moat and walls, yet while this may be so, the source of attack can never be defeated by defense alone.
    In my own life this has brought up several issues both in my present life and in memories of previous ones. When I was younger I was never particularly troubled myself by bullies, not that I wasn't occasionally picked upon but for the most part they found I was never particularly responsive. My first memory of such an event was when I was in school and there was the typical playground bully from a few years ahead. He would come up to me and my friend and chant "baby blue eyes" at us. This didn't really affect me given that I had brown eyes and explaining this to him only seemed to confuse the poor lad, but it did affect my friend and often if he was alone would be terrorized by this bully.
    I have witnessed this type of behaviour several times in my life where I am on the periphery of another being subject to a form of bullying. As I have gotten older, this has taken less physical forms but it still somewhat present.
    For many years I took up Kung Fu and would practise diligently, I was never involved in a fight myself although I have been on the edge of several but had chosen not to get involved. I have been told that I was a natural at several points, but always came to the same point that caused me to stop and leave. My father is a bully, not a physical bully but an emotional one. He takes pleasure in hurting, teasing or demeaning those he feels superior to and because of his cowardly nature often hides it behind a sense of humour. He was the kind of father that would not let his children win against him because of his own innate fear of inferiority. I have met many types of bullies who use different forms of tyranny to enslave, weaken or demean those they feel superior towards. Those who are not afraid to use the shadow side of the chariot to bolster their own weakened egos.
      I for one have never wanted to be one of these individuals and so for me I keep a lid on this aggressive type of energy as I have had very few examples of individuals who use it wisely. I have not understood how to apply this energy fully without it harming or hurting those it is applied towards. This occurred in martial arts especially as I was unsure how to fully apply my power without it possibly resulting in hurting my opponent. This meant I ended up often being a purely defensive fighter...one who in the end is totally ineffective.
    What I am realising is that without a compensatory force to counteract these acts of aggression there is no balance. For all the atrocities that occurred in WW2 without the intervention of the Allies, the situation would have become much worse. Bullies and beings who use negativity as a weapon cannot be left to use their powers in a way that harms the innocent, simply defending oneself is not enough. The shadow side needs to be compensated for and sometimes this can only be achieved through the use of force correctly aligned.
   The chariot is a symbol of that force correctly balanced. Too much force and there is a danger of falling into the shadow side, too little and you risk being overwhelmed by the shadow.
   For me this is a lesson in confronting that shadow side and compensating its course, this can only be done if I am unafraid of using all the power at my disposal to oppose tyranny and aggression in its negative capacity. Aggression itself is not negative, its is simply a masculine energy capable of either great creativity or destruction, how we use that is up to us. Both creativity and destruction are neither good nor bad and only become so when applied in a context. Tyranny can be both created and destroyed as can peace.

Believing in better for myself

  I have been opening up my life to abundance for quite a while now, several years in fact and there has been a tremendous amount of change going on for me. There has definitely been some ups and downs, but I have come a long way from where I started the journey. I have manifested many things in my life the way I would want them, but there are still a few bugbears that are proving resilient to my efforts.
   Good company, purpose and a meaningful life have all come around for me. Yet finding meaning and fulfillment in my financial and work spheres is proving exceptionally tough to manifest. I have stepped out of my old patterns and moved into the flow of abundance with the universe and it is easy to see it at work in much of my life. Synchronicities happen almost daily for me and there is a feeling of hope. So with this in mind I asked for a dream last night to show me how and where I was going wrong in this area.
   The dream took place in a pub (presumably in the UK) in which I was a cleaner there. I was working for one of my old bosses who I had never had the greatest respect for. I happened to be cleaning around the bar area where the manager of the pub and his fellows were sitting around. They looked like shady mafia types and they ended up holding down and murdering another figure on the bar with a stake to the solar plexus. They seemed either unaware or unbothered by me being there, until the manager noticed me and told me I needed to go clean the roof. I felt like protesting that it was not part of my duties but was concerned that I might be the next victim and I should stay on his best side.
   There were other elements to the dream, such as having difficulty finding a working bathroom stall (problems elimination negative energy) and talking with Dan Akroyd in an airport waiting lounge (not sure about this part!).
    The first part of the dream seemed such a familiar situation in my experiences, I feel shame in recognising this as a regularly occurring situation. I seem to end up with low vibration jobs that put me in a situation in which I feel there is no acceptable way out and with the feeling that there is nothing better out there for me. This creates a vicious cycle in which I am forced back into those very type of work situations. This cycle of belief has kept me pinned in a trap of feeling disappointment and shame.
     The fear of finding nothing better has hardened into a belief so strong that it feels like a certainty. When something has that kind of solidity within your energy system you cannot help but manifest it for oneself, regardless of how many sugary affirmations you sprinkle over it. You are numb to the possibilities that may array themselves before you and deaf to the knocking of opportunity.
    I have experienced life without this belief when I first went travelling simply because I suspended my beliefs in taking that first step, but as is often the case with deeply held ideas they came to the surface eventually and return the status quo.
     Seeing my bosses "murder" other individuals has happened several times for me and I have allowed it to occur because of the fear that there is no other real options for me. And because of my solid belief that there is no other options it takes on a horrible reality.
    I have seen this dynamic at work within my family especially. We have had a pattern of allowing ourselves to become entrenched in a miserable situation and not leave it because of the fear there is no other options. My family owns a holiday home in the south of Italy and my parents hired an unscrupulous and criminal individual who has proven himself false time and time again. Yet this happens because there is a pervasive fear that there are no other options out there.
   Letting go of the fear alone is not enough as it will only creep back in again when no new dynamic comes to replace it. Replacing it is an absolutely necessary, even if it flies in the face of all past experience. One must find the counter belief and install it. So, with that in mind.... There is something better for me out there, something that fits with me perfectly. I have experienced this truth many times before in other areas of my life and now I am going to experience it on the material level.

Ace of Pentacles. Manifestation.

     The Ace of Pentacles is always a nice card to find emerging from the deck, in this case the card jumped out of the deck while I was shuffling it. When this happens I usually add the card to whatever the reading is.

     The Aces are primal energies in their most potent raw form and the Pentacles are that of Earth energy. 

    The heavenly hand in the card proffers a large coin like Pentacle, which suggests that the universe is giving you a gift of earthy energy. This can come as a new job, a sum of money, a new house or an inheritance.

    Below the hand stands a garden with a pathway that leads to the mountains beyond. Within the garden are growing white flowers, lilies, which symbolise desire in its purest form. The flowers represent the seeds of pure desire coming to fruition.

   It seems that the garden is just the start of the pathway which leads us on and I see this as meaning that this material gift is meant as a means to allow us to begin or continue on our path. 

    This card has sat on my desk for several days as I have waited to see what material gift would be brought my way. It reminded me of the full moon which is present in the sky tonight a symbol of fullness in all its material glory.

    It has given me food for thought though. In Star Tarot Revelations there is a passage which struck me deeply which I will recount here.

    "You are no longer capable of doing work that is not both emotionally satisfying or spiritually nourishing. Receiving this card indicates that you are unwilling to live in the contradiction of inner contentment that is not evident in the outer world; or attainment on the external plane while experiencing dissatisfaction within. You are worthy of having it all - success that manifests physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually."

     For me this is something that speaks strongly to me. Having taken many jobs that do one or the other, I have simply reached the point that I am not capable of working in a way that is not all these things. Sadly, my outer reality has yet to catch up with this inner reality. If I take jobs that are unsatisfying to me I simply become sick or ill and cannot function, coupled with the deep feeling that the situation is not right for me.

   I have come to the point where I have had to test my faith and say no to those jobs that do nothing to nourish me. I am also having to step away from the feelings that keep me tied into these situations, those of unworthiness and desperation.

   Instead I am replacing them with feelings of hope and trust in the universe and the knowledge that these hardships are simply the result of many deeply ingrained patterns being burned away. I know there are still beliefs within me that run counter to what I am doing and I am excavating them on a daily basis so that the flow of abundance will be able to run true.

   At the moment one has become a little more obvious. I have a great book called Heal Your Body A-Z by Louise L Hay (check out the link at the bottom of this entry). Within this book it lists the mental causes for physical illnesses. While not completely exhaustive it does a pretty good job of narrowing the field to find the possible beliefs that play into physical issues. Usually it also requires a little bit of personal detective work to find the specific belief that feels true, even though you know it is not true.

    With me I have found several areas of chronic tension in my legs, muscles that refuse to relax even with direct massage manipulation or yoga. The only way I have discovered to get them to give in and relax is to find the specific belief and re-write it. So far, I have made more progress with this method than going to yoga for a year, even by doing yoga everyday for over a month!

    The latest area to undergo scrutiny is my ankles which always seem to be tense and inflexible. In the book it suggest that the ankles represent the ability to receive pleasure along with guilt. Now straight off it is difficult to immediately pin it down, since there are plenty of ways in which I am happily experiencing pleasure. But with my understanding of the chakras, the lower torso also represents the material plane...and then things start to fall into place. For me the idea that I could possibly receive pleasure while making money is one that seems untrue. Sure, it is ultimately possible for others..but for me? No. All my experiences point to it never working for me. Each new experience seems to compound this idea. But I also understand that while I hold this belief it will NEVER be any other way. 

    Changing a belief before one experiences it as a reality sounds a little ludicrous, but I have seen it work many times before. For me it is going to require a little bit of digging into the past to find exactly where this belief was born, or at least to a situation in which I felt that "Working is a miserable chore" became or was  a reality.   

   But the universe has been generous, we were gifted today with a cooked chicken, a backpack, a new flashlight and a feeling of lightness which I have not felt for a long while. Things are good and will be getting better!

   

   

Cutting attachments

  We often hear about cutting ties and attachments and it is done with alarming regularity within our culture. Certainly within the healing community the practice of cutting away negative attachments is very popular. Is this really necessary all the time? In some cases is it even possible?
   Before we get into the nitty-gritty of cord cutting, I want to explain what these cords actually are. When we meet with another individual we often connect to that person and this happens on more than a metaphorical level. When we connect with another individual, be it social, romantically or through our work we create a bond that stretches from one person to another. These invisible filaments of light go from our chakras to theirs, the chakra that connects determines in which area of our life we feel connected.
    Ideally lovers connect primarily through the heart, but we can also make intellectual and emotional connections just as easily. People we feel strongly connected to are often attached at more than one chakra and those we feel little connection to may only have a single attachment if any. Through these cords we pass energy to one another which dictates the type of relationship that occurs.
      The cords themselves have as much variety as the energy fields, some are like fluid light, others are as thick and pliable as old rope. At best they are a beautiful way to communicate our energies with other beings, free of restriction and like a profound network of light. At worst they can feel like toxic hoses that drain you of your energy or pump you full of poison. Mostly they are a combination of both.
     When lovers or friends part amiably, the cords naturally detach over a period of time so that new connections can be made. If they part on bad terms, it can feel as if something has literally been wrenched out of you..this is especially painful when it occurs in the heart and often takes a good chunk of your energy to boot. This wrenching can cause all types of problems if it doesn't heal well and many times people's heart have the old remnants of attachments still embedded where they have been unable to let go fully.
    The way in which we attach and detach cords is a function of how we have learned to do so in the past, which of course leaves the door open for a lot of less than ideal situations. Some people, in order to maintain their own "power" will tear their cords out when they leave (fearing the same might happen to them), leaving a trail of damaged individuals in their wake claiming it is their own fault for not being able to handle the situation. Others will not have the strength to be so brutal and maintain toxic connections long past their sell by date.  Some will refuse to connect because they understand their own destructiveness and try and "protect" the other while covertly sapping the energy of those who try and connect. There are those who will try and connect with everyone and you can feel their tentacles searching for a purchase.
     As you can imagine, families are often the worst case scenarios for bad connections. We are born connected...quite literally! From there we build our understandings of how and when to connect and what types of connections to maintain and which to get rid of.
     This process is a mostly unconscious one and so at some time or another we are all guilty of one or more of these types of behaviour. It is not a case of berating ourselves or others for doing so, but uncovering the reasons why it occurs within ourselves and cultivating more conscious relationships.
      But what about the toxic cords? How is one to deal with these once they are discovered. A great deal of sources will say that it is best to simply cut all toxic connections and walk away and in some cases this really is the best way to deal with a negative attachment. But quite often I will see that a cord does not want to be cut, it literally will reform the moment it is sliced. From this I can see that there are deeper issues that need to be considered, or lessons to be learned.
     There are also other ideas to consider. How many times do we hear the phrase "We are all connected"? Quite a few times I'll wager, especially if you have devoted any time to self development or spirituality. I wonder how we can all be connected if people are constantly trying to cut themselves off from those parts of the universe that they don't want to be associated with. So, do we simply cut ourselves off from everyone who doesn't agree with our world view or our ideas of positivity? Then there is karmic considerations and please don't think that means you HAVE to stay connected to someone who is really not right for you! With Karmic considerations there are certain individuals that you have made agreements to work with through multiple lives and simply cutting the cord and walking away means you are abandoning that agreement. There is no inherent good or bad choice, but there are always consequences for our actions. Abandoning a friend in need because we are sick of their negativity is a lost opportunity for healing.
     Of course there are times when the cord reforms simply because a part of you is not ready to let go, be it some damaged part or your higher self with an eagle eye view of the situation.
     The best course of action is to put a truly heart felt request out to your inner self to resolve the situation or attachment.  If you don't feel this is working, or you can't feel that then there are other methods I would recommend before the fateful cutting of a cord.
    Communicating the issues is always the first port of call and it is amazing how often we bypass this, authentically speaking our feelings in a non-judgmental way can work wonders. With communicating we both have to honour our truth, but we also have to bear in mind the awareness level of the recipient or what they may have difficulty hearing. Anyone will have a hard time hearing that they sap someones energy and only the most conscious individuals will be able to hear that and do something about it without freaking out. Let them know how their actions impact you and what could be done to improve things so that you are both happy and feel nourished.
    Some people of course will still refuse to hear it and place the responsibility back upon you. There is a school of thought that espouses the idea that we are all responsible for our feelings, while this is well intentioned and speaks to the highly evolved beings we wish to become, there are certain energetic realities to contend with before we reach that point.  Each persons actions affect those around them and there is a level of responsibility for those actions. As an example, jumping into a no diving swimming pool causes a wave to spread from your point of impact. You would not say that a splashed person was responsible for the wave soaking them and while a small part of them bears a fragment of responsibility for their presence on earth and in that pool, it is trifling compared to the person doing the splashing. This splashing can occur on an emotional level and setting a boundary for how much you wish to be splashed is perfectly acceptable, just let the person know that their continued action may have you leaving the "pool".
     Another is a little more complex but is an ideal solution if it can be implemented. Toxic attachments require two points of connection, one within your energy field and one within theirs. If you raise the vibration of your point of entry and the cord, this forces the other to do the same to maintain the connection or it drops away no longer having a point of purchase. In laymans terms what you need to do is find out how and why it is affecting you in such a way and work on increasing your awareness about the issue. When the issue no longer affects you, they will not be able to attach to it.They will either evolve with it, or they will find another outlet that is not so difficult to reach (which may or may not be in you).
      This is the optimal approach as it encourages healing, fosters understanding and connection and serves as an unparalleled opportunity for personal growth.  Just remember that you need to set workable boundaries in order for this to function.
       Cutting the cord is always an option of course, but don't be surprised if another situation just like the last crops up again...

XII- The Hanged Man

  The Hanged Man is a unique card, its design is one that has you wondering which way up the card should really be.
   This Major Arcana has a very unusual message, one of voluntary surrender to the greater cosmic forces. The figure on the card is serenely suspended on a tree, bound and tied. It is reminiscent of the story of Odin, who in order to gain wisdom hung himself from Yggdrasil the world tree for 9 days. During this time he took no food or mead and was suffering from a spear wound. At the end of his time he was given the wisdom of the runes.
    In some decks, there are coins falling from the pockets of the man, but in all he hangs from one leg, the other bent in a shape that resembles the number 4. This creates the effect of looking like a bizarre form of meditation, similar to the Tree Pose in Yoga.
    The fact that he has a luminous halo suggests that this is not some form of punishment, or shameful experience. But instead is a necessary experience on the path of the initiate, one that is partaken of voluntarily.
     Lots of analogies can be drawn to crucifixion, wherein some form of sacrifice is necessary in order to gain wisdom. Although what is really being sacrificed is our world view.
    Some resources draw the assumption that this card means a releasing of the physical in order to promote the spiritual, that one should enter into a period of suspension by fasting, meditating or mindfulness apart from material concerns.
    Like the figure on the card, one must turn their views upside down and look at things from an entirely different perspective. This is why I do not advocate the idea that it suggests a fast or meditation retreat, unless this is something that would be totally outside the realm of your normal consciousness. The very idea of turning your world view upside down is extremely personal to each individual. For a materialist, it would indeed mean a consideration of the inner world or of ideas that are outside the norm. For someone deeply involved in spirituality, it would mean the opposite.
     On the journey of the Fool through the Major Arcana, The Hanged Man represents a turning point for his perspective. By inverting himself he is able to look at the world anew, much as a child does. This suspension between the old and new creates a timeless space.
     The card also brings up the thorny issue of surrender. For many surrender is seen as a weakness, of giving up and of defeat, destruction and a prelude to annihilation. This annihilation is linked to the power we give our ego and the fear of surrender that comes from our attachment to its continuation. The figure in the card places himself in a position of vulnerability in order to find wisdom.
     The problem I feel is that when one adopts a certain mindset, such as "surrender is bad", then it precludes you from being able to make use of it when it is actually the wisest choice. Surrender to our inner experiences is a great power, many times more valuable than stubbornly resisting what will continue to remain otherwise. Surrender is not giving up. Surrender is wisdom when correctly applied. Surrender allows us to continue on wiser and to be able to face the situations again with greater knowledge, rather than stubbornly facing defeat time and time again.
    Giving up is a choice that can occur either through surrender or through continuing to face what will defeat you. Perseverance is the choice to persist, either through surrender or continuing to face your issue. There is no set way for any of us, we simply have to remain aware in the moment and make the best choice we can.
     For me the card has meant a suspension of my normal activities to consider this card. I spent some time upside down to feel how this would actually affect my consciousness and it reminded me of a game my sister and I would play as children. We would each find a mirror and place it under our chins, facing upwards. This created the effect of walking on the ceiling whenever we looked down into the glass. We would walk around the house, stepping over door tops and avoiding light fixtures which appeared to grow out of the floor.
   As I lay considering my altered perspective something occurred to me. In my own world view, which has been heavily influenced by the energy work and chakras I work with, there is a definite progression from low to high. If for me this was inverted, then all the material needs would rise to the top of the hierarchy and spiritual thoughts to the bottom. All the buried material regarding finances would actually be suspended over my head and it would take on a totally different timbre for me.
   For me to imagine the material world as a sacred space in the same way I have envisioned the spiritual is a total reversal. This actually feeds into a few items I have been considering involving a greater participation in the world. My practice has always been top heavy in incorporating the spiritual over the material.
   Most recently I have been only able to work through several issues which have had a very dense physical component. Taking part in soccer, going to the gym and having Zoe help massage out deep tensions have led to lots of releasing.  The idea of adding a physical component to my services has floated in and out over the years, but I have always rejected it almost out of hand as being to physical and not spiritual enough to fit within my repertoire. Recently though, especially with the 3 of Pentacles suggesting adding a new skill set to my work and then this card turning my views upside down has led to some serious consideration.
     The other part of this card has to do with being suspended, which is also a feeling I have been having recently. The old way of living is ending and a new way is beginning, but I am still in the process of transforming, which often tends to happen at its own pace.
     The card can seem like a punishment to those unwilling to surrender to it voluntarily, for whom control is an absolute necessity. It is always good to remember when you get this card, or its energy comes into your life, to surrender, turn your perspective upside down and let the universe do what it needs to...you can just hang out in the meanwhile.

3 of Pentacles. The trinity of work.

 The three of pentacles is about work and craftsmanship. The suit of pentacles relates to the material world and the three is an early number in the sequence.
   I haven't had a great deal of experience with this card and I find it similar in some ways to the 8 of Pentacles, which shows a workman at his trade.
  This card though being at the start of the suit is symbolic of a much earlier place in the process.
   In the card there is a craftsman stood upon a bench with a chisel and a hammer of some kind in his hands. His elevated position suggests he is a craftsman of some skill as can be witness by the cathedral he is putting the finishing touches to. He wears a dark purple tunic, which is linked to royalty and suggests he is a master craftsman. He also is wearing an apron of gold, which further speaks of his excellent skills.
    He is being approached by two individuals with a blueprint. One of the individuals is dressed in a bright polka dot robe, which appears somewhat outlandish. The other is obviously a monk of some type and most likely belongs in the cathedral the craftsman is working upon.
   The outlandish individual is presenting the craftsman with a blueprint, either for a new design or with regards to the project he is working on. Since he is so individual I feel the card is suggesting something new, fun and creative in terms of work.
   Another element to consider is the cathedral itself. The three pentacle design is worked into the stonework in a design reminiscent of a trinity symbol. The trinity symbol represents three parts working together as one, which would also account for three individuals. The three parts being body, mind and soul. How you attribute these traits to the individuals is a function of your own psyche. For me the craftsman is the body, the monk the mind and the outlandish individual is the soul.
     The card relates to the idea of creating something of lasting beauty, which can really only be achieved by aligning all the three elements together. If any of the elements are in disagreement, then producing something great becomes increasingly unlikely. This may need to be achieved through creating a plan or a closer examination of your own blueprint. It does mean however that all these elements should be aligned.
      I have had great difficulty in aligning these forces together in my life and I am really just on the cusp of getting them to all work in concert. With me there has been a constant disagreement between my soul and my body. Only recently has there been some real alignment working out for me.
     I am still searching for a blueprint that will allow them all to work together and it has been on my mind recently. All three parts are working, but they are not working together and without that nothing truly lasting will come about. This card is not giving me the answer to that, it is just underlining the importance of having that holy trinity working together within and without.

9 of Wands. Holding the line.

 The nine of wands can tell a story. It is one of those cards that could have been pulled out of any story book scene. You see the hero before a wall of staves planted in the ground and a bandage upon his brow. He looks wearily off to the side trying to catch his breath while he rests on his staff.
    But like any scene pulled out of a book, it is missing a vital context. We place the context upon the card by the very fact that we try and ascribe meaning to a picture of situation.
    Taking the time to look at this card and using a little bit of imagination you can actually see different possibilities within. The band around his head may in fact be a sweatband rather than a bandage. The staves may actually be budding branches and not a wall to keep something in or out.
   Regardless of these minor details there themes within this card that speak of its real meaning. He has obviously completed some great task or trial, whether it is the planting of the staves, the defense of a barrier or the ascent of a mountain path. The number of staves is reaching its limit and is close to completion. Even though the task is not yet complete, the bulk of the work has been done and will be complete with one final push.
   The suit of wands is a fiery passionate story. It begins slowly like any fire and like the nature of fire encompasses battles, victory and strife. The previous cards are of movement and battle and speed and this is the card in the deck that is a little bit of a breather.
     The figure in the card wears the clothes of a labourer and with his sleeves rolled up he looks ready to work. You can see from his worried look to the side that he doesn't quite believe that his work is done. He has one final rod to plant, then his work will be complete. This is the most important rod as it covers the gap in the wall in which he has his back to. This may mean that you are unaware of the final step you need to take to fully complete the process, but it isn't far and you will soon be done.
  This card has appeared for me in several recent readings and has come up time and time again in the past. It signifies a battle that is not yet over, but one that you will ultimately win. In all likelihood it points to a situation that has occurred numerous times but in this instance you have the past experience to really move past it for good.
    For me it is the financial issue. Today Zoe also heard back from a job, so we are now both employed. We both have a few expenses we need to pay for, which for us symbolises the final push for which we are already prepared.
  Ultimately this card is a positive one as it means the closing of a chapter which has been painful and which has left you battered and bruised.

Seeking Joy

  This morning I couldn't help but ponder the way in which we live our lives. I was picking over old memories to understand where a big change had happened in my life. This was the change from a joy-seeking mindset to a pain-avoidance way of living. I think this happened when I was around 7 years old.
    It seems to stand to reason that we should want to live in a way that maximizes our joy, but how many of us do that?
   A few days ago I became involved in a topic of conversation regarding the cell structure of the human body and how each individual cell appears to have a basic form of consciousness. If a cell in our body encounters a foreign or possibly harmful cell then it alerts the rest of the organism to its presence thereby causing white blood cells to be released to combat the invader. The crux of the conversation revolved around how the cell "knew" what a foreign body was given the size and scope of the entire body organism and  what it needed to do in that situation. It stands to reason that the cell has a rudimentary form of consciousness, at least the ability to be able to perceive what is beneficial and what is harmful.
   Thinking back to how we are as children, we are preset to be in this joy seeking mode. Every sensation is a wonderful experience. We taste, we touch, we smell and interact with every object our budding senses can manage. Looking on a newborn or young baby we can see how joyful they are to be experiencing the world this way.
   Occasionally as the child begins to grow they start to encounter situations that are unpleasant or harmful. This creates a shying away in the organism of the body as it seeks to avoid destruction or damage.So it appears there are two drives at work. That of seeking pleasurable sensation and that of avoiding harm.
   I recall when I first encountered homework as a child. For me it was a pleasurable sensation, I got to learn and in exchange I met with praise and encouragement. What more could one want? I used to ask for extra homework and enjoyed completing tasks and being rewarded.
   It was not long before I encountered the pain of not being able to complete it on time and the punishment that came along with this outcome. At this point I feel we are at a crossroads. If our environment allows the rewarding scenario more then the punishment outcome then we are likely to stay within a pleasure seeking and fulfilling mindset. We can be "good" students through either path. Either through the avoidance of punishment or the seeking of encouragement.
   Taking the school analogy further, once this mindset has been established then most of our teachers simply discover which motivational method works best for us and employ it. Half the class is propelled into learning for the joy of learning and the enjoyment of the encouragement they are given and the other half are motivated by the desire to avoid the punishments when they don't meet the standards.
   Given the continuing likelihoods of meeting more ways of suffering harm as adults we tend to all end up at least in some areas of our life seeking the ways to minimise pain. This results in us trying to be as successful as possible within this mindset, the pinnacle of which is the complete avoidance of pain within ones life. We can be 100% successful and this doesn't result in any joy, but simply the avoidance of any negative encounters or harmful situations.
     Going back to the cell, it is possible for the cell to function effectively whichever perspective it may have. If the cell has a joyful perspective it finds pleasure in discovering a foreign body and the resulting completion of a task. The pain avoiding cell tries to minimise the greater pain in the organism and also completes the task.
    When the joyful cell completes its task it is suffused with pleasurable sensations. The pleasurable cell can be 100% successful AND this outcome leads to a joy filled life.
     It stands to reason then that having a joyful mindset is a far more efficient and enjoyable way of living. But how do we get back to this primal joy seeking perspective?
    The answer is to change the way we look at the the world and surrounding environment. Stop considering the ways in which we will suffer or be punished if we fail and start thinking of the joy of succeeding. A 5% success in finding joy is far greater than a 5% avoidance of pain.
   For me, I remember back to that time in my life when I actively sought out ways to maximise my enjoyment and feel that way again. Look at the positive outcome and shoot for that!
   

Queen of Cups. Pandora's box and emotions.

   When I first drew this card I felt relatively nonplussed by this card and unconnected to the figure or the symbolism of the card. After a day of introspection on the card its meaning for me became very clear and actually held the key to a problem I have struggled with for some time. Before I get into the depth of my own personal interaction I want to take you through the general meaning and symbolism of the card.
        The Queen of Cups is the embodiment of watery emotion, connected to the astrological water signs Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. She sits upon her stone throne with a sea view, yet her gaze is fastened upon the strange chalice she bears in her hands. All the court cards in the suit of cups creep closer and closer to the water, until the King of Cups sits above it. Here the Queen sits at the waters edge, the tide lapping at her feet.
        Coloured stones lay at her feet in subdued reds, greens and blues. The throne she sits on is decorated with motifs of watery looking merfolk. The one above her head gazes upon her with an angry look on his face, the one behind her appears disinterested and the one on the side appears happy with his catch. These tiny elementals show the fickle temperament of the water signs, happy, then sad, then angry. All the water signs are at the mercy of their inner ocean, their emotions moving like the tides and never still. Even the solid looking throne is sat at the edge of the sea, ready to be submerged should the tides rise. The cliffs behind her, solid as they are, can still be eroded by the constant movement of the water.
         The Queen herself wears an ornate crown, which seems to match the even more ornate cup she holds. She wears a plain white dress with simple stitching up the side and a cloak with a water like pattern on the side. There is a level of innocence and purity about the Queen, as if she was not meant for all the harshness of the world and her clothing represents that watery nature in its pastel hues. There is a pale violet clasp at her throat which shows that there is a connection to a deeply intuitive knowing to which she is able to give voice.
      Of most interest is the expression upon her face, which appears to encapsulate sadness, disappointment, wonder and longing as she looks upon the cup. The cup itself appears of a fearsome design and what at first can be mistaken to be sharp talons, actually appear to be angels on closer inspection. This I feel represents the apparently cruelty and fickleness of the ocean and the incisive intuitive nature of the water signs (Scorpio....I am looking at you in particular) which can be either healing or damaging. The Queen ponders this golden contraption in her hand as if it may contain either the answers to all secrets or cruel horrors to be unleashed upon the world, or like Pandora's box...both.
     For me the Chalice is what draws my eye most in this card. It represents the secret, the unknown mystery of the emotionally complex woman. For all her apparent innocence, she holds in her hands a great key, that of  emotional insight. This emotional insight can be a terrible thing to unleash, or a beautiful gift and the Queen has the unenviable task of trying to figure this out before delving into her own depths and opening her feelings up to the world.
     We spent the day at a lake walking along the waters edge and finding clams, crawdad scraps and fishing lures. It seemed a good place to contemplate the Queen of Cups and it really felt as though we were walking along a beachfront, albeit a cold windy one. This strange synchronicity is just one of the many I am encountering on a daily basis as I explore the tarot and my own understandings of the cards.
      This card for me, has opened it's own Pandora's box and I wish to share some emotional events from my own past. When I look upon the card, it reminds me of my own mother, who happens to be Cancerian and prone to their very sensitive but emotional natures. Typically a Cancer is particularly driven by their emotional mood swings and becomes more overwhelmed by them than arguably any other sign. My mother embodies all the elements of this card, she is very sensitive and intuitive, kind, compassionate and loving. She is capable of feeling all emotions fully and deeply and anyone around her cannot help but feel them through her.
    When I was relatively young, my parents (both Cancerians) went through a particularly difficult financial period that lasted late into my teenage years. They did their best to shield us from seeing the worst of it and always made sure the home was a comfortable place to be and that we lacked nothing of creature comforts.
    Yet, there was one thing they could not shield me from which was their own disappointment in how things had turned out for them. The sadness and disappointment in the air was always tangible as it is around a Cancerian. For a young Leo, searching for encouragement and attention I felt living in this cloud of disappointment was very difficult for me and I internalised a great deal of it. I grew to feel that it was me they were disappointed in, for what young child can differentiate between what they feel and what their parents are feeling? For me seeing my own mother in a place of suffering that I could do nothing about gave me a deep sense of powerlessness.
   This carried across for me, for as soon as I was able I started to fulfill that disappointment myself. My grades soon dropped below average and I felt a constant disappointment to both my teachers and my parents. I can recall the disappointed looks on the faces of my teachers and parents when I arrived at parent's evenings when they would ask why I was not performing as well as someone of my intelligence was obviously capable of.
    I now realise that this sense of failure and disappointing others comes really only from my own ill-conceived  perceptions as a child. I know my parents are proud of me and spoken to me of such feelings and that what I picked up was simply their quite understandable feelings at the time. With this realisation comes a sense of liberation from this and the knowledge that I am capable and do not need to let myself or anyone else down. Not that I consciously did this, but this underlying belief is strong enough to cause problems with confidence in anyone.
   I am choosing to let go of the old belief that I am a disappointment and embrace the knowledge that I am capable and competent and that there are people in my life who are proud to know me.
 

Knight of Pentacles. Pragmatism and the work ethic.

Before I drew this card I asked for "the card I most had to learn from". This pragmatic and very practical knight is someone I indeed can learn a lot from.
    The suit of Pentacles is linked to the material element of earth and the Knight in this instance is related to the airy part of earth. He is a mix of intellectual and pragmatist, a clever individual who knows exactly what he wants and it can be found right here on earth.
   He is clear in what he wants and has the determination to get it, sometimes even to the detriment of anyone who gets in his way as he bulls his way to his goals. His horse is a solid black, strong as an ox and very sturdy. This horse would as happily carry the knight to war as it would pull a plough through a field. Both the horse and his rider are very physical as you can tell by the profusion of red trappings both are wearing.
   The Knight has his gaze firmly locked on the pentacle in his upturned palm as if by turning his iron gaze on the coin it will grant him the ability to sniff out the next opportunity. His mouth is set and determined and he is either just finished with a task or about to start a new one. He is not one to waste his time with idle dreaming when he could be out doing.
        He wears a solid unadorned suit of plate mail, completely functional, the only trim is a green garland which symbolises his past successes. He is not interested in anything but the here and now and what can be gained in this present moment. He is lacking a solid connection to the spiritual or emotional aspects of life, so he finds his purpose here on Earth. At worst he has the self assurance of the materially sufficient and the spiritually void, self satisfied he already holds the answer to all his problems in his hand.
    Behind him sits a freshly ploughed field ready to be planted with fresh new crops and it wouldn't surprise me if he had ploughed it himself this morning before donning his armour.
    As all Knights do in the Tarot, they represent messengers of their own element. In this case the knight brings financial tidings, either positive or negative depending on the surrounding cards or the intuitive feeling that accompanies the card.
   For me personally the card meant one very important thing. The arrival or delay of news regarding my finances. I have not been gainfully employed for nearly 6 months now after leaving my last job because of an inner urging and trusting in the universe and my own guides. The Knight of Pentacles would have been shaking his head and tutting if I had asked him his advice in this economy. The time has given me the space to work out many different things I needed to work out and for this blog to grow and to one day flourish. I have reconnected to my artwork after 10 years and moved through a lot of personal obstacles.
    It seems though that this period is coming to a close as I sensed at the beginning of October, both for inner and outer reasons. I have been steadily applying for jobs since August and hearing very little back. We are in danger of not meeting the rent this month and my guides are asking me to do a course in the middle of the month...which is not free. I have said ok to doing the course, even though the money is currently not present.
    I have ridden into many box canyons on my journey, trusting in my guidance to deliver me (certainly when they ask me to ride into them!). Every time it gets a little easier to trust, but as the money runs low tensions can run high.
    So when I get this card I start to wonder if the knight is just telling me to be utterly pragmatic and just take any job...or that I will have good tidings. Being utterly pragmatic in my life has led me into many difficult situations so I have been loathe to do so. That feeling alone has led me to some of the worst jobs in my life, jobs that do not nourish my sense of self, jobs that have me questioning my very worth. My family has very working class roots, my father was raised as an uneducated goat farmer in the south of rural Italy and my mother's side of the family worked in service and manufacturing, my mother being the first in her line to get a college degree. I was raised in Yorkshire in the UK and for those who do not understand what that means, it is a region once dominated by mining and mills. Our school trips were invariably bleak investigations of either farming or textile mills still strong with the resonance of children losing their lives and limbs in huge looms, working 12 hour days for the ability to survive. So the idea of pure pragmatism has some very negative connotations for me and as a result it is hard for me to see clearly in these situations. Monty Python does a great sketch with 4 Yorkshire men each complaining about how hard their lives have been  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe1a1wHxTyo
      With this in mind..I was hoping it was the good tidings, but a bleak holdover still intoned the likelihood of the former. What is the chance that after so many months I would get work at the same time as the card? So I put the card aside until I could feel a little more connected to the message the card had to say, without these dire feelings influencing them. I let go of the thoughts and feelings and gave way to trust and hope once again.
     This morning the phone rang at 9am and I ran into our living room to find that it was one of the jobs calling to let me know that if I wanted work I could have a job starting next month. Its a job shoveling snow, but it gives me the opportunity to move out of the situation I am in and still have the time and mental energy to work on what I really love to work on.  It was the job I was hoping for because it will be outside, physical and that is what I need right now as a counter to working indoors at a computer. I feel that the knight was bringing me good tidings after all...I just had to hold on and remain faithful.

4 of Wands. Successful stability.

 The suit of wands is one of creativity, passion and fire. The number 4 is related to stability, foundation and security. They almost seem qualities that should stand apart. Fire and passion always seem so fleeting, certainly not qualities you imagine hang around for a while.
   Yet in this card it is exactly that. Combined they bring lasting success and that is the feeling behind the 4 of wands.
     The four wands stand upright at the front of the card creating a structure that is held together by a hanging garland. The garland falls naturally into a crescent shape, showing the natural receptivity of the shape. It combines both masculine and feminine symbolism in one structure.
   In the background two celebrants raise their arms in triumph holding bunches of flowers and wearing laurel wreaths. The laurel wreaths can be found in several places in the tarot and they symbolise success and a temporary elevation to a position of power.
    The red roofs of the buildings behind them are indicative of material success (red being the colour of the base chakra). There is a tower and city wall behind the people, although it is unclear if they are inside or outside of it. The walls and tower show stability, strength and protection in a man made form. In this instance it is a positive situation as the entire card is a bright yellow, which indicates that it is a mental structure, but one founded on a good foundation of creativity and passion.
       When you receive this card it shows that you will have success in a creative endeavor that is being made concrete, such as a new business or project. The wands represent a foundational element the celebrants; that it is a joyful occasion.  The robes being worn by the two figures in the centre of the card are violet and red, which are the colours of the top and bottom chakras. This means that there is a successful joining of spiritual and material elements.
   What this card means for me is a fresh look at the way in which I do things. I have been looking to start up my own spiritual practice and offer counsel and service as a career. I have tried several times before, but always fallen short of the mark for several reasons. Mainly it has been because of self-defeating patterns that emerge, but I have been unaware of how to remedy these particular problems. There has been several roadblocks on this particular journey. Receiving money for spiritual work was a major one. But feeling good enough to offer my advice has been the biggest current issue.
     I have suffered from the difficulty of believing that my advice was sub-par or that the information I have been getting from my guides is not 100% accurate. There has been many instances where this has been proven wrong, but doubts have an insidious way of creeping up on you even when you should know better.
    Spending time with this card has helped me understand this roadblock to my own success and see that it is all to do with phrasing.
    When one contacts your guides and higher self and even in reading tarot, there is one thing that is very important to understand... How you frame the question. I have found guides to give exactly what is asked for. This means understanding loaded questions, leading questions and the exact phraseology of the request. It's not that guides are trying to screw you over, but they have a different language set and these misunderstandings can lead to critical errors. It is almost like the wishes you hear about in faerie tales. When I began learning about spirit communication I realised that my very ideas about the universe were badly flawed and this itself would lead to jumbled answers. For example asking how old an eternal spirit is and expecting a reasonable answer. In this example I got the figure 8...which I didn't realise until later was actually indicating  the infinity symbol.
     A great deal of the time, our questions are saturated with presupposition, which leaves spirit with no real way to respond without seriously breaking down your belief structures. When they start doing this, we are often confused about how that is related to the question we asked. It is like trying to answer a child's question about how the sea comes out of a faucet with a simple phrase. The question is correct in a very roundabout way, but cannot be satisfactorily explained within the limits a child may want.
    My own background has been one of energetic healing and knowing the exact problems and dynamics of the situation can be very helpful in resolving a treatment. I have found that I have been asking about the problem and trying to relay this to a client has led mostly to resistance, frustration and an inability of the client to assimilate the information. I didn't realise that this problem has been to do with one of phrasing. Instead of asking my guides, what is the problem and how do we fix it? I need to ask...What does this person need to know to heal this?
   I used to watch Scrubs (a medical comedy) and in this show there was an ongoing issue that the surgeons had no bedside manner. The surgeons had the right idea when it came to surgery and the information they needed was critical to a procedure, but relating this to a patient often led to panic and shock. I guess I am guilty of exactly the same issue!
   With this knowledge firmly in hand I can approach the situations in a much more client friendly manner. They don't need to know the details of their energetics and in some cases this can outright scare them. All I need do is asks my guides what I need to convey to them and trust them to give me the right way to approach the issue.
 
     

III - The Empress

     The Empress is the female companion to the Emperor, where the Emperor is severe and imposing, the Empress is soft and caring. She represents the divine mother in her most glorious aspect.
   She reclines in comfort on a luxurious looking divan, covered in cushions and pillows all looking to be made from plush materials. She wears a comfortable dress and a tiara of stars, far from the hard armour and crown of the Emperor. There is a feeling of comfort and informality when one looks upon this card.
   She resides in a lush woodland with a waterfall just behind her. Fields of golden corn sprout at her feet and the sun gives her head a haloed glow in warm comforting oranges.
   He hand is raised up, holding a sceptre and this looks like it is done without a care in the world....more a benediction than a show of power. Her dress is covered with roses which talk of love and the heart and even the shape of the roses suggest the symbol of Venus. The emblem at her feet is a heart with the symbol of Venus emblazoned upon it, Venus being the planetary ruler of beauty and romance. The symbol is Venus is also very close to the Egyptian Ankh, which means life.
   The card talks of love, abundance, motherly nurturing in the purest sense and the promise of new life. It is the round belly of the expectant mother, the sack full to bursting of grain, the roundness of the trees in mid summer and the warm glow of the setting sun in a glorious sunset, ready to give birth to a warm night.
     This card is a fruitful one, one which shows abundance in all areas of life. It is like all the Aces combined in one. All creative energies have been sown and they are about to give birth to a new endeavor. There is no lack in this card and the eternal mother is giving in all aspects, holding nothing back for her children.
   The idea of abundance is a difficult one for many people, myself included. The idea that there is an unlimited supply of all we want just out there waiting for us to tap into is often hard to wrap ones head around. Abundance comes in many forms and often we have abundance in one area of life and not in another, when this happens we may have a tendency to focus on the lack ignoring all the other ares of richness in our lives.
   When we do this it becomes even harder to generate that feeling of abundance and that all is provided for you. We are often told to be grateful for all we have, yet when things are scarce doing so can feel highly in-genuine. In these instances we must confront the lack in our lives and acknowledge it is there, for without this we cannot be truly honest with ourselves and trying to feel abundant in those moments feels like lying to ourselves.
  There are a great deal of abundance teachers out there and most of them would have you ignore these feelings and focus on generating good positive energy. This is good advice to a point, but without acknowledging the lack in ones life there is always going to be a wrinkle in the back of your mind. Without this realistic appraisal, we cannot truly see what we are trying to fill and even if it really needs to be filled.
    A lot of the time we spot an area of lack, do not wish to face it, choose an item our ego would like to fill it with and wish for that. We are operating outside of ourselves in this instance and using our own ego power to draw the object to us. This can be exhausting work and keeping up a level of denial can also sap your energy supply.
   Rather we should face this negative space, acknowledge it is there, then understand how we can begin to fill it. By looking honestly, we open ourselves up to divine intuition, which can lead us to what would really benefit us and the reason we have a space for it in the first place.
   I have found denial and ignorance has never really produced anything of lasting value in my life. There are certainly areas of my life that are very abundant. I have a beautiful wife, a great apartment, the space and freedom to think, the ability to express how I feel openly. And, yes there are areas of lack. But by simply ignoring them, I will never understand the reason that space was created in my life. By ignoring the desperation underneath it all, you end up just holding your life in place by sheer willpower. These dark spaces need to be acknowledged, so that they can be filled.
    We are told to be grateful for the things we have but I have found that trying to generate gratitude when it is not naturally present is the same as trying to create any feeling that has not naturally arisen. Gratitude is a spontaneous feeling that arises when one has been genuinely gifted, sometimes we don't recognise it when it happens and it requires a shift of perspective. But we cannot and should not demand gratitude from someone who doesn't feel it. We should not force the same ideals upon ourselves. If you have trouble feeling gratitude for some of the things in your life, then maybe there is a reason why. It is wonderful to feel it, but don't force it! Look at why it is not there! Maybe the giver is giving grudgingly, maybe you deserve more in your life for your efforts, maybe you want more than scraps...without this insight it is all for nothing.
   Abundance is there for us all, but to accept it, we must be honest about ourselves and the lack we feel. We can't be given to unless we acknowledge there is a space for it! This does not mean wallowing in negative feeling and wondering why if the universe is so abundant and we are so lacking. Seeing the space allows you the chance to see how it could be filled or what it is that is holding you back from filling it yourself.
    I see the Empress as the divine mother who asks us if we are hungry or needy and helps us acknowledge those areas of lack, so she can fill them. I am grateful for her presence in my life so that I can understand these lessons for myself.
Thank you Goddess!