Giving the benefit of the doubt

  Relaxing in the bath and musing over the events of the day I had a little Eureka moment of my own.
  What I had been musing on was a phrase I tend to use often which is "giving someone the benefit of the doubt". I hadn't really considered this phrase before even though I use it fairly regularly and it has become a dictum by which I try and live my life.
   The dictionary defines it as "to believe something good about someone, rather than something bad, when you have the possibility of doing either". I tend to do this as a matter of course, believing it to be a fair and gentlemanly way to conduct oneself. Lately however I have a feeling that this modus operandi is not working in my favour.
    If I am unbalancing the scales in someone's favour, then it can hide all number of deceits that individual may perform. Surely fairness is better than offering a skewed scale, even if it is one that would seem to favour peaceful resolution (and possible conflict avoidance). Provided that the individual never tips the scale beyond a certain point, then it is likely I will not do anything to redress the balance.
   The maxim certainly doesn't seem very effective when the person in question is someone who tends to operate by sowing doubt about their actions. By creating a reasonable doubt they can hide all number of ills, when my gut is telling me the opposite.
    I have begun to consider that people who sow doubts, especially in yourself are usually up to no good. The margin of error I give them may well be the inch of rope I hang myself with. Most actual reasonable people do not give regular reason to doubt them or their motives and if they do they are more than willing to come clean and unashamedly open themselves up to scrutiny.
    This of course only needs to occur when a person gives you a reason to doubt them or their motives and if they prove themselves to be true, then an apology is often unnecessary.
      In my own life and the life of people around me recently I have seen a slew of people trying to shift blame and to place seeds of doubt in others. This is especially effective if the victim has a strong sense of conscience as a highly conscientious person does not wish to be placing blame on another without sufficient evidence. The people involved in doing so have used a number of different tactics to achieve their aims such making the victim responsible for their own bad treatment, creating a sense of reasonable doubt, asking for evidence and many other tactics.
    Zoe and I have recently been watching a slew of crime shows from the obsessive compulsive Monk, to the little Belgian (Poirot) and our recent pleasure is Castle. One thing I have gleaned from the shows is that when the murderer starts talking about evidence he is clearly guilty of something. The detectives in the shows cannot afford to give the benefit of the doubt as reasonable doubt plays into every situation they are in. Of course at the end, evidence is necessary to create the case and put the guy/girl away, but they seek evidence from all parties, including the innocent parties. If this is obstructed then there is a reason to be suspicious.
    Often in my life I find that I am easily thrown off by a profession of innocence or a person creating doubt, rather than a lack of a evidence. In fact I would go so far as to say I ignore evidence to make things fit into a situation in which there will be no wrongdoing.
   Maybe this comes from my belief that all people at their core are good. This I do feel truly, even if the person is not aware of it, but I have failed to take into account that the person who feels that way will act in accordance with their beliefs. If a person believes that they are bad, that the universe is unfair or that they have to get one up on others to survive, they will act in accordance with this regardless of whether it is true or false. They will seek to perpetuate their belief systems because they believe them to be true. I can't rely on that core level of goodness to help me out, because that person is not in touch with that element of themselves. I am not here to prove them wrong, but I can take steps to avoid being stung by such pessimists by recognising their ability to act in accordance with their core beliefs regardless of their veracity.
    This little insight into human behaviour has just given me the ability to look at situations without a bias towards the positive..which believe it or not...is a positive thing!
   
 
 

2 of Swords. Denial and innocence.

 The two of swords is all about denial. Most of the time this denial is not something we are consciously engaging in, but it there never-the-less.
   It is tough to be in denial. I think I am in denial about my current situation and this makes this card all the more pertinent. The two swords represent the two choices presented before us, usually in an either/or scenario. Both of these options are unenviable. For me it relates to a job situation that is currently occurring. It snowed last night and all today, and for a guy with a snow shoveling job it should be busy, busy, busy. But my phone remained remarkable silent regardless of my going to bed at 10am and preparing myself to rise at 5am.
    Now I am in the unenviable position of trying to decide how to respond. After the debacle on Friday with the job (he called at 5am with no prompting and was a jackass when I called him back) I have to decide if not being called on a severe weather warning day is a brush off or that he simply had no business (which seems very unlikely). My gut tells me he is trying to "punish" me for not being available for his call and is therefore getting off on a power trip.
   This is where the denial comes in. Denial would at first glance seem to serve me well. Just wait a while... maybe I am not seeing the situation right... The money would be very helpful right now... Maybe I really don't want to work and this is a convenient excuse to be as lazy as I have been accused of in the past...I should really give him the benefit of the doubt...
   The figure is dressed totally in white, even down to the blindfold. White is typically related to innocence and purity. Does this mean that the figure is innocent in their situation? It would seem so. So then maybe this innocence is related to the blindfold. It is pretty easy to deny something you are innocent of knowing. Innocence and ignorance are close bedfellows and the figure is not facing up to the situation because of the lack of information. In my situation, I do not have the luxury of knowing all the facts, I really can't see what is going on behind the scenes. So maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
   The two choices seem to be either retaliation or submission. I could either call him on his behaviour, or let it go. Neither seem that fun. While writing a shouty email would be cathartic, it may just lead to further unpleasantness (and face it unpleasantness is not a skill I worked on honing). It is also just playing the game...do I have to adopt shoutyness as a personality trait to deal with individuals like this? Submission is equally repulsive, but it does come with a possible cash payoff (and I could really do with the cash).
   Looking at the card the symbolism seems to point to another option. The figure has her arms crossed over her chest. This means she is covering and protecting her heart and her vulnerability. If I could just relax out of the situation so it doesn't seem like a fight or flight scenario then I might be able to step away from the adrenalised solutions that appear in my mind. Following a course that feels good really is the best option and maybe if I stop being in defensive mode then I can start seeing clearly.
    Behind her we also see the seashore. The sea is an ancient symbol for the unconscious and this shoreline looks a little rocky. Trying to navigate a reef with a blindfold is asking for trouble. With her blindfold, she is  not even aware of the sea behind her. It suggests a tool that can be used to help determine the correct course which she is not making use of.
    In my situation it seems like facing the situation and leaving it up to my subconscious to figure it out might be the best option. The moon suggests sleeping on it might not be too bad an idea. It is transitioning and the fact that it relates to emotion might suggest that I may feel different in the morning.
   In the end, it feels like I am innocent rather than truly in denial and choosing an option while I am still emotional and unable to see all the pieces of the puzzle would be a bad move. I do trust my intuitions and I am sure that my subconscious will deliver up to me the ideal solution for this situation!

10 of Pentacles. Wealth and inheritance.

  The 10 of Pentacles has been a rare card in my readings. It is a good card, with a lot of positive elements.
  The suit of Pentacles is concerned with money, health and family. The last card in the suit of Pentacles as a number 10 it signifies the end and culmination of material matters. The Pentacles are a symbol for the element of earth and earth, like water, only strengthens with multiplicity. Therefore, this card is very positive when it comes to material endeavours as the suit has come full circle to the full embodiment of material power that was present in the Ace.
   The card is full of rich imagery and it is hard to tell where things begin and end with the fullness of the card. The pentacles themselves are laid out in a pattern that reflects the Tree of Life (the ten sephiroth from the Kabbalah). The tree is a map of human consciousness and the universe based on the idea of what is above is also reflected below and that all creation can be seen in a single grain of sand. The 10 of Pentacles is really the last in the series of Minor Arcana with what was begun with the Ace of Swords (the original expression of a thought, if one is using the kabbalistic school of thought ). Being the last, it also reflects the beginning as all cycles do and the symbol of the tree is homage to that.
    Looking at the card one can see the full range of life played out in the card: there is a child, a couple and an elder with several dogs around him. This shows the connection to the family and the idea of generations. One can see how it can be connected to the idea of inheritance or family wealth. The card is also set within a house as evidenced by the archway with a city view, which suggests security but not in a restrictive fashion. There is so much detail as to be overwhelming, which is only right given the Pentacles as the ruler of the material realm. Pictures of castles and boats adorn the inner walls of the house along with a fresco on the left of the image, all showing material wealth and extravagance.
    The city beyond shows a tower, a house and the city wall, all depicted in a rather neutral orange/yellow almost as if it were reaching dusk and the sunset were reflecting off the walls. Each of the symbols represent security and stability in a very man-made fashion and the flash of green above the walls shows it is not unconnected with nature.
   The child represents youth and he reaches out to touch the tail of the dog, who is in turn at the lap of the elder creating a cycle between all the players. The male figure in the couple is a guardsman with his spear at the ready, although he is engaged in friendly dialogue with the mother of the child. This represents the idea of safety and protection and no immediate danger. The elder represents the final phase of the cycle and so he is richly adorned in a robe of earthy colours, covered in patterns and geometric shapes. These elements are not the typical metaphysical symbols and look certainly more like fashionable or aesthetic choices. The chair in which he sits is green with grapes upon it, again symbolising abundance and fruitfulness.
    As I previously stated, this card appears rarely for me and my relationship with this card is an unknown. Since it is Minor Arcana it is related to an energy that is prevalent at the particular time. It does reflect some of the changes that have been going on in my life.
   Last night I had a dream in which I was travelling to an unknown destination, it was getting late in the day so I decided to pull my car over to the side (a red muscle car with white stripe which I knew as a Mustang) and try and find somewhere to stay. I entertained the idea of continuing on through the night, but my final destination seemed foggy in my mind and I decided that stopping would be best. There was a general feeling of disorientation and lack of stability, given I wasn't quite sure where I was going or where I would be staying.  I ended up entering a temple which consisted of several floors and seemed to be themed in a Celtic fashion with Triskells on the walls. Within were several welcoming priestesses who asked me about my journey as to ascertain my purpose and my connection. I started to recount my journey and its ups and downs and the various animals that had aided me thus far. I mentioned a Kingfisher, an Otter and a Crane and said I had footage of them coming to my aid. At this, they offered me a place to stay for the night and the dream ended.
    Looking at the symbolism of these particular animals I am struck by the fact that they all are linked to two elements. The Kingfisher and Crane to air and water and the Otter to water and earth. All of the animals felt like they had a numinous quality to me (one that carries beyond the dream) and I am heartened by their appearance. They are also all animals that are linked to the Celtic pantheon and their environs and they are not collage-like scraps from my day (unlike the Mustang...which I feel is sheer wish fulfillment).
   What this dream relates to me is that with adopting a level of certitude in my choice of career, it brings up several different elements. It seems like my endless wandering without a final destination is at least taking a break in order to create a bond to the earth and for me to set down some roots. My connection has always strongly been to movement and flight as evidenced by the bird symbolism, but all these animals make their homes in or close to the earth and the river bank in particular.
   Creating a level of fixedness and stability does bring up some fears in me that I will not be able to travel so freely as I have, but I feel these fears may in fact prove to be completely unfounded. The card is about a healthy flow of income, one that even allows for and suggests extravagance as shown by the boats and castles  on the walls. With a level of security, taking flight may be even easier as I don't have to carry all my belongings with me on each trip. My journey has had its ups and downs and I know I would not have made it without inner assistance.
   Finding a castle and a temple for me is paramount for me, even if it is only a nest to launch myself from and to take rest in. This card talks to me of the feeling of homecoming and material security I have been seeking to build for myself for the greatest time. Allowing myself to recognise and enjoy those creature comforts, knowing that I am motivated and strong enough for them not to become traps for me.

5 of Swords. Bullying and intimidation.

 I didn't actually draw this card from the deck, but I feel it is time to confront the issues that this card pertains to rather than passively waiting for its turn. I had a dream last night about one of the cards, but the image of the card was unclear. All I could make out was that there was a single primary figure facing left, searching through my deck I found the five of swords and it all made sense.
   The five of swords is not the most pleasant card to find and the issues it talks about make me feel uncomfortable. Last year about this time I encountered a very difficult situation in my personal life. A former close friend and partner entered my life again after walking out on our friendship five years prior. She had left abruptly with no explanation and cut all contact, both with me and all her supposedly good friends here, telling us not to seek contact. We had been extremely close and I had counted her among my most valuable friends, so her subsequent leaving without explanation hit me extremely hard and there had been no way to gain closure on the situation. When she came back, she decided that she would stay at the place I worked at, yet didn't seem interested in making contact. I had hoped she was trying to reconcile things from her past, or at least foster some kind of understanding of what had happened. This wasn't the case.
    For me, it brought up a great deal of ill feeling towards her. I had been treated abominably and was expected to put it all behind me and just greet her as though she had just popped out to pick up some milk and had gotten a little delayed. Feeling overcome with rage and anger I made the choice not to meet with her, since I didn't feel like I would be able to control my actions or my emotions and didn't want to risk being damaged again (or damaging her!). Plus, she had chosen my workplace as a her chosen venue to stay so losing my cool while working was not a good idea. I did take the opportunity to explain all my feelings in a letter which I had delivered to her. Of course she didn't reply, nor did she attempt to salve any of the hurt feelings. It became obvious that I had badly misjudged her in believing she would act in a responsible or compassionate manner.
   For the year afterwards I allowed myself to get in touch with my rage and my anger, I left situations I found intolerable and let go of "friendships" that suffered from the same lack of concern or basic human empathy.
   It seems like things are coming around full circle for me as I realise that I cannot simply avoid such situations as they are constantly cropping up in life. Avoidance might be a better way to deal with abuse than taking it, but it is still far from optimal.
    The card itself is about one-upmanship, those smug fools who spar with words and emotions and take advantage of situations for their own selfish ends. In the card the figure at the right of the card appears to have vanquished his foes, either through unkind words or through mental sparring indicated by the swords. He collects his winnings in the form of the swords he is picking up from the ground. He is garbed in green and red, two highly contrasting colours mixing growth and passion. I feel this symbolises his aggressive stance towards winning at all costs. Ruthlessness and naked ambition are his tools and he doesn't care about who he hurts to get his way. This may be because he has been hurt by traumatic events, or because he enjoys feeling powerful by dominating those he feels threaten his position. None-the-less all of his actions come from a position of weakness and not strength.
      The two figures he has vanquished are garbed in yellow which is linked to the idea of cowardice. They have either lain down their swords or been beaten in the fighting. Either way the situation has not gone their way and the energy is left in imbalance with feelings of either resentment or regret.
    All conflicts end up in this fashion if followed through to their logical conclusion. This is a mental battle ground and the "victor" is the one that leaves with the energy. Ever notice how if you win in an argument you feel energised and when you lose you feel defeated and drained? This is to do with a literal energy exchange between the energy fields. Some people need to supplement their energy by arguing and there are those who know of no other way. Having grown up in a turbulent environment, or with people who regularly practise this form of energy exchange they learn to feel it is natural.
    As you can see in the card the backdrop shows a stormy sky and a melancholy sea. These indicate the feeling that accompany such situations, sadness, loss, regret on the side of the loser and smugness, arrogance and cruelty on the side of the winner. They are both sides of the same coin and the victor feels he must protect himself from being a loser and feeling the way they do, so he takes an aggressive stance and initiates battle before he is victimised.
    The card itself is highly polarised, offering only two possibilities. Either you are a aggressive victor dominating the situation, or you're a submissive loser who hides in shame or burns with resentment and regret.
   Like many of the cards that seem to offer only two unsatisfactory options, there is often a third option that holds the pathway to correct resolution. I have been on both sides and both feel equally unbalanced and unpleasant. I have taken the path of avoidance more than I have the aggressors path though and as a result I have still had to deal with this type of energy when it arises, but from the standpoint of a victim.
   I don't wish to be a victim to these sorts of situations any longer. During the period when I was really feeling the rage and anger arise, I took myself out of a lot of situations in which I could have easily turned into the aggressor. Being aggressive has a feeling of righteousness attached, but it still comes from a place of deep hurt and that hurt will only be spread to others if you act while in that space. For me it is difficult to adopt that standpoint and remain in good with my conscience.
    Trying to find the right level of response is key and mastering your anger is paramount. It is very easy to flip from one side of the coin to the other, from being a victim to being an aggressor. The only way out of this energy is to maintain your cool and deal from a higher point of awareness. This is much easier said than done, especially if another is pressing your buttons or abusing you mentally or verbally.
   With me I find it easy to get pulled into the victim mindset wanting to avoid the conflict that may already be occurring. I give the aggressor the benefit of the doubt, when they are often not deserving of it. I lose my ability to find humour in the situation and start taking things personally (especially when they are personal!). A good example happened to me this morning. I have started a part time job snow shoveling. I applied for the position in September (several months ago) and only heard back from them in October after I followed up on the call. They said they would get back in touch with me to tell me about orientation sometime in November.
   Last night it snowed. I got a call at 5am in the morning and was unable to make it to the phone before it rung off, there was no message left for me so I was not sure who called. When I woke sometime after 8 I realised I could dial *69 and then followed up by searching the number on the internet. I found out that it was the snow removal job and promptly called them back. The guy on the other end sounded a little annoyed as if I had let him down in some way and I apologised for not making it to the phone in time. I felt like I was making a feeble excuse and when I was finished on the phone I felt angry about the whole situation.
     It seems obvious that they would call me after a snow fall, but since I have never worked for them or heard from them in a several weeks I wasn't expecting a call at 5am. It is hardly surprising that I couldn't get to the phone in time. I understand that the guy may may not have been angry at me at all! But it is so easy to slide into this type of interaction and I end up suppressing my anger again for fear of shouting back when the situation doesn't warrant it.
     I wish to take myself out of this situation as I hate being on either side of the coin. I am starting to see that I may have underlying issues that allow me to spark off either way very easily, especially if I am pushed. This situation with my "friend" has re-opened a very old can of worms. I don't allow myself to act aggressively, either verbally or physically which means it all get suppressed. People have made the mistake before of thinking that I will be pushed around, but they usually end up seeing the flip side if it continues (although this is very rare and requires quite a bit of pushing).
  What is happening is that I allow things to get to me rather than seeing them as emotions arising in me and peacefully allowing them to pass before taking action. I get caught up in the roles and forget I am there to watch them and respond appropriately once I am centred, letting go of the attachment to my ego (which is the part that takes it personally).
   I might even write a list of things I take personally so I can be on the look out. Once I can spot them and let them go, I will be able to speak up and out without using undue force or reverting to avoidance.