Moving through barriers

    I recently had a dream that involved multiple layers of fences that barred my way. In the dream the fences were so thick and numerous as to present an impenetrable wall, but there was a guide with me who urged me on. This guide was hazy, but they felt like a friend or a family member. They took my hand and brought me closer to the wall. Once at the wall he showed me that there was a way through each fence, that there was a cut here, or it wasn't properly pinned down there. He pushed a section of wire fence aside to show me a way through, even though if I stepped back it was still an overwhelming obstacle. What at first seemed impregnable, now seemed as though there were a hidden path through the barrier, a pathway through the labyrinth of tangled wires. Even as I stepped forward, my goal was still obscured by a forest of wires ahead and progress was only possible with faith in my companion and the conviction to take a single step when it was impossible to move quicker.
  It mirrors what is going on in my waking world and that from an objective distance it seems as there is no way on, yet when I look closer, at each individual step, I see I can indeed continue on. I freely admit that my doubts have been stronger than my faith at times and cause me to hesitate, or even to take a few steps backwards.  It is so easy to want to see oneself as a powerful hero with the strength to push down our obstacles, rather than the receptiveness to follow and trust in the strength and wisdom of another. That giving in to panic or fear will only trap you and enmesh you in a tangle of your own making. Each step I am reminded that I am still only a child in many ways and the guide of my soul is the only one who really knows the way. Maybe those that do not see my guide see his strength reflected in me as I hesitantly push aside the veils he has shown me are loose or unpinned.
  I pray I can continue to follow in my guides footsteps without letting fear rule me and closing my eyes to the path ahead.

Lion Dreams

  In the last couple of days I have had a few dreams with lions in. I am struggling to understand the meanings of the dreams and I felt maybe writing them out would help me understand and interpret them.
  In the first dream a few nights ago I was in the park with a co-worker and we were playing with a huge male lion. Both of us stood side by side and we were tossing a ball(?) for the lion to chase after. Much like you would for a dog. I decided to step away from my friend and we stood across from each other. He tossed the ball towards me and the lion charged across the field towards me. I was pretty frightened in the dream as the lion was full grown and being charged by one felt like a terrifying experience, even if I was not the subject of his attentions.
    As he neared I took a folded cloth from my pocket and unwrapped it, it was a bright leaf green and I knew it would act as a kind of "Kryptonite" to the lion, weakening him. It was made of fabric and the size of a small towel which I then held up in front of me.
   The lion appeared disappointed and then spoke to me saying "You aren't going to use that are you?" before the dream faded. He spoke in a regal voice and I got the impression I was doing him a dis-service by even thinking about using such an item. It left an impression on me, but I could not figure out what it could mean. I ascribed to it that maybe I was afraid of my own authority, or that I was trying to weaken my own strength and courage, but the fact that I had a second dream with similar symbols suggests I missed the point.
    The second dream involved me selling a muscle car to an interested buyer, who wished to have me put the car on top of his car so that he could drive it home in a convenient fashion. The only problem being that he was having trouble seeing out from underneath the car I placed on top of his. I then went indoors to receive my payment. I approached the counter and the teller brought out several large bearer bonds (the promissory notes banks often hold in their vaults) and wanted to pay me with those. My family was close on hand and were quick to inform me that that type of money was no good and I should refuse it, given the difficulty I would have redeeming it. As I flipped through the folder and was looking at all the bonds within I noticed a very large and thick solid gold coin, maybe 5" in width and easily 2-3" deep. It was inscribed with the picture of a lion facing forward with one of it's paws raised, along with several other symbols and embellishments. As soon as I saw the coin I knew that it was very valuable and all my doubts dissolved. I felt a feeling of rightness and even considered wearing it as an amulet or medallion. I then returned to the cheap circular tables at which my family were gathered and felt vaguely disappointed with them.
    The dream then moved to a perspective of me stood outside a rich manor house and I was looking for a lion statue, which I was supposed to kneel before upon it's discovery. There were several small lion statues around the property carved from black soapstone, with the lions stood rampant. But I felt these were not the correct statues and when I found them I would know and they would pass on something valuable to me. The dream finished with a whispered voice exhorting me to find the lions.
    The lions are trying to pass a message along to me, which I am patently failing to grasp. The strength and the power of the lion in the first dream was dramatic and stayed with me long after waking, along with a feeling of vague disappointment. In the second dream, it appears that I am being led in a certain direction by the lions in the dream, along with the promise of a large reward upon completion of the transaction.
    I took a look through several resources and they all point to lions being symbols of power, strength, boldness, courage and authority. It is also my sun sign (along with several other planets), but I believe this is the first time that a lion has appeared in my dreams with such clarity.
   I am curious as to where the lions will lead me...

Dreamcoat of many colours

   

    

It has been almost a year since my last posting here. The previous year has been one of difficulty and hard work. I have had several jobs in the interim, some better than others, but all of them a trial. My free time has been absorbed and I have become like one of those poor male stereotypes that spend all their time in the office at the expense of the rest of their lives. Regardless, this period is coming to a close. All my hard work is going to pay off in that I am about to take a full time massage course in the near future. I have applied for a loan (unsuccessfully) and several scholarships with the idea that they will ease my progress through this next phase. I am also looking into taking up a part time job to help with the schooling and basics. Regardless there is still a feeling of dissatisfaction with my current situation, that something is not quite correct. From this I had a dream last night, which had some interesting symbolism. I thought this would be a good jumping off point for getting back into the mindset of writing and washing away the psychic crud that has accumulated from my hectic work life.

     The dream was set in the medieval courtyard of a castle. I was learning to fence, to fight with a sword and my partner stood opposite from me. A teacher of some type, an amalgam of my mentor at work and other elements instructed me on the fine points of swordsmanship. I wasn't proving the best of pupils as I didn't feel particularly enthused about the whole thing and wasn't really interested in the threat of war that proved the backdrop for the dream. At one point, he showed me how slow I was by bringing his blade to the side of my neck. I for some reason was carrying a hunk of wood and it was too heavy and cumbersome to stop the swing with, although it did remind me upon waking of the shield of Thorin Oakenshield from the Hobbit (In the movie the dwarven prince used a chunk of oak to block a blow from an orcish menace, thus earning his name and the respect of his peers).

      At first I could see no connection and could not understand what was bring communicated. The first element of the dream seemed concerned with my work and my lack of real interest in what I was trying to learn. Which is true, I feel no connection to my job and am un-interested in the greater picture it represents. The oaken branch runs along with a lot of kingly symbolism I have been seeing over the last few months in my dreams.

      The second part of the dream struck home for me when I recognised that it wasn't me in the dream trying to earn money for his family and lifestyle. That I wasn't myself seemed relevant and important. The fine robe Jamal had seemed to speak of a royal connection or some position of standing and I couldn't understand why he was hoping to steal pennies from guardsmen. I didn't see why he didn't just become what the robe seemed to indicate he was. The robe was richly coloured and embroidered with what one would expect from either a fine African prince's garments or a Japanese silk robe designed for royalty. 

    The dream seemed to be communicating that I wasn't acting in accord with who I really am, that I was doing things that were not reflective of myself. Not only are they unlikely to bring enough to support myself or my family, but they are beneath my standing....if I could only accept it of course.

    When I awoke I returned to the dream state to see if I could wear the robe in a more conscious fashion. I found that letting go of the idea of who I thought I was, was more difficult than I realised at first. The garb of the rogue and cutpurse, represented a certain way of living I had learned to adopt. Do I deserve to walk as a prince? The idea of that was scarier than I would have imagined and I had to strip away the leathers I wore as a thief before wearing the robe seemed right. When I put it on in the dream state I could feel my body responding and found myself relaxing to a much deeper state and felt blood flowing through my legs into areas that have been tense for a long while.

      Accepting who I am and not what has allowed me to survive is a task I hope I am up to. It is a terrifying prospect and one I hope to be able to hold onto. For the first time I can see that the job I am currently doing is not right for who I am and is not the right way for me to go, it is just where I am now. I shall not judge myself for not being able to feel it, because I would not have been able to see a better way to go until this point.

P.S. The Hobbit is awesome! Go see it or read it! 

Page of Cups. Dreams and the youth

  The Page of Cups is a familiar card to me. Some cards just tend to turn up more often in readings than in others. When this happens you develop a rapport with the card, the card begins to transcend it's original pictorial meaning and develops something of a personal tone.
   The picture on the card depicts a youth, usually one of watery emotional disposition ( a dreamer usually) who is examining a fish he holds within a chalice. The youth is colourfully dressed in red, blue and yellow with lotuses embroidered on the tunic. On his head he wears a whimsical looking hat and scarf which looks reminiscent of a wave, both in colour and shape.
   The lotus, we have discussed before is a symbol of the ability to transform waste into beauty and is analogous with the chakras, both in form and function.
    The youth is stood in somewhat of a theatrical stance, he almost looks as though he is an actor in a play about to break into song about his fish. In this way we can understand the basic demeanor of the youth within the card. He is playful and doesn't take life too seriously.
      The fish for me is a symbol of dreams, like fish they swim just beneath the surface of the unconscious, breaking the surface occasionally and returning to the depths just as quickly. The youth has a good connection with his dreams, both the type of dreams we have at night and the type we hold aloft and aspire to. The former being a form of guidance in order to accomplish the latter.
   As with the youth, I have a good connection with my dreams remembering them almost nightly and sometimes more than one if I am on the trail of a particular idea. Recently I have been practicing my ability to journey. Journeying is the ability to travel consciously into the realm of dreams and bring back information from the unconscious, similar to a diver looking for pearls. At first it is difficult in the journey to separate an over-active intellect from the true subconscious material, although even the material your intellect delivers is affected by the tone of the subconscious material it is attempting to convey. In this way even material that seems over-intellectualised or imagined is useful because it is coloured by genuine information.
   Recently though I have found that my intellect has taken too direct a hand in trying to classify, objectify and extract meaning from the material brought forth. Like a young actor in a scene I have become overly invested in the reason for a character's actions rather than remaining true to the emotional core of the role. In doing so the energetic core can become lost in the egoic process of examination, forever marginalised to a sideline as it has to be "worked out".
    The card is a reminded to return to the whimsical energy of the dream and not get caught up in intellectualising or allowing the mind too much control. This has been a common thread with several journeys recently in allowing the unconscious material to surface without overlaying or submerging it with the weight of analysis. A tendency I fear I have had for too long.
   I have found that remaining open to seeing whatever emerged without allowing my mind to immediately begin analysis has been most fruitful. An example being that in a recent journey I perceived what seemed to me to be a feathery wing. Immediately my mind began to try and classify the phenomenon. Maybe it is a pegasus or a bird, maybe a dragon or a feathered serpent. In doing so I began to lose the connection to the genuine material that was emerging and falling into my mind. In learning to meditate and to journey the mind has learned to take a back seat in order to allow the phenomena to emerge, yet all it has done is wait till a later step in the process to attempt to assume control.
    The figure of the youth on the card is also symbolic of another situation in my life. A recent journey yielded information about several plants that would be helpful for me. I sat on this information for quite a while, since I doubted it's veracity. My perception that I didn't know anything about herbalism or plant remedies stood in the way of using the information I received. In the journey I was shown snapdragons, a willow tree and then taken underwater to be shown kelp. It was a simple and quick journey and my mind was quick to dismiss any likelihood that it would hold value.
    Late last week, Zoe and I were at New Frontiers (a health food store) where I was tentatively looking for the plant mixtures. I was having a difficult time following my intuition on it and had been looking at the blue-green algae instead ( I had been told it was very good for you, even if it was expensive). As I was looking at the suppliments I saw a jar containing Icelandic kelp. This reminded me that it was kelp and not algae that had appeared in my journey.
   On a whim I decided to see if there was any of the other plants available (I was pretty certain Snapdragon was not available). Instead I found that all three were available, even Snapdragon in an essence form. A friend of mine who works at the store was helpful enough to print off what all three plants were for and it turns out that it corresponds exactly with several of the issues that I have been working on. As a result I have been drinking down the plant essences and it has really helped. Tensions that I have been working on for a long while are disappearing almost overnight and the domination of my mind wanting a stranglehold over what I am doing is slowly loosening.
   I do feel like the character in the card, especially when I often have a cup of whichever essence I am now taking inspired by the journeywork.

When the whole world is a bully

   The last couple of nights I have had a running series of dreams that all seem to have a common thread. It all started after I had a massage therapist work on the deeper areas of tension in my legs. It seems that the iliotibial band (or IT Band) in my legs is as taut as a bowstring.
   As anyone familiar with bodywork knows the body stores emotions and memories in the musculature, fascia and even the organs. Working on the body can bring unresolved or stored content to the surface. This occurs with the energy body too.
    As to what to do with these unresolved feelings there is no specific answer that holds true universally. Sometimes the feelings simply have to be felt and let go of. But in other situations they can point to patterns of thinking and acting that are so ingrained that letting go without examination and resolution it is like pulling up a weed without getting the roots.
   This is simply going to be a posting to vent my feelings and hopefully come to a resolution which I will be able to impart. I consulted the tarot to help me with this and The Hermit showed me that the answer is to be found within. So I am going within and you are welcome to follow, provided you don't mind me getting into some old crap!
    The first set of dreams occurred on the night immediately following the massage which occurred late at night. I had been wanting to get some clearance on the feelings of powerlessness and frustration that accompanied both the stretching of my legs and my general financial situation. They might seem unconnected, but energetically they are linked and my dreams seem to clarify that. I had actually been looking for answers on the next card I am working on, so when my unconscious delivered up these dreams I understood that this was what I was going to be working on regardless of my other plans!
    The first three dreams I had were all connected thematically. In the first I was excavating some old relics at an archaeological dig site. I was tracking down some talons or teeth from a dinosaur which were buried somewhere in the area. After some digging and searching I discovered that they were located in a small stream bed and were encased in a small block of ice. The dig site is symbolic of the massage digging into old strata and layers of my psyche, the dinosaur teeth are linked to my childhood dreams of dinosaurs (check out Dinosaur dreams for more details) and the ice is about frozen emotions. That they were under an active stream suggests they are buried under a healthy flow of emotions. The teeth in this instance represent power and aggression (baring teeth is a show of power and aggression). Just as I was about to retrieve them a young child of about 5 or 6..possibly older snatched them from the water. He refused to give them back and acted in a generally smug and childish "I found it first" manner. I didn't know how to react or feel in the dream and felt trumped by this impertinent youngster.
     The second dream was similar, in this though the child tried to snatch something from me as I was sat on a train or bus. I grabbed his wrist and took back what was mine, but his mother was horrified and told me that I couldn't do that to a child, which caused me to feel guilty.
    The third brought up a memory of an person I have not thought of in years. His name was Barnaby and he was part of a clique at school. The clique of guys he was part of were pleasant outwardly, but you could tell they sneered and derided everyone who wasn't like them. I didn't know how to deal with them as the the thin veneer of pleasantry didn't adequately cover the corruption within. In this dream he helped me get a new computer, but when I set it up, it was flooded with spam and malware. I knew he was responsible for this, but there was no way I could prove it.
    In writing these dreams down I can clearly see the common thread. It is in dealing with someone who on the surface appears pleasant, but underneath is actually not a good person. I am unsure on how to be around people that are false. The greater my ability to perceive these charlatans of good nature the more I feel insecure in how I should react. Often such people possess a pleasing facade and either an emptiness or dark rot within.
    I grew up feeling that one should be civil and polite to all people, to act as a gentleman to even the most reprehensible and vile people. In some ways this an extension of giving the benefit of the doubt. The links to my childhood are undeniable and there are several instances in my past that cause me to look back with horror and disgust on things that happened in which paralysis was my only response.
      In the dream the night afterwards things got worse. In this dream both Zoe and I were sat in a restaurant having a light meal. I thought I saw a relative sat at another table (possibly my grandfather) though the view was obscured somewhat because of angle and obstructions. I waved them over and it turned out that it was my father. He introduced himself to Zoe, then hugged her in what was an inappropriate fashion which was more like groping. She was clearly uncomfortable and so I pulled him away then punched him in the jaw. The blow was glancing and held little power, but he retreated and looked somewhat shaken. We exchanged some brief words and he left. Again I wasn't sure if I had over-reacted as violence is not a common form of response for me and I have been taught it is never an appropriate reaction.
    Striking one's father is also seen as a large no-no. The final form of the dream though is very telling for me. The antagonist is finally revealed as my father (how typically Freudian!) and it speaks heavily of my relationship with him. My father is not a vile man, nor is he wantonly bad, yet he shares many traits with the antagonists in the previous dreams. He takes joy in malicious jokes and childish power games, yet on the surface he is a popular and charismatic individual. People will forgive a great deal of a charismatic man (or woman). In the dream I took no joy in striking my father, but looking back I feel it was necessary.
   The dreams connect to that childhood anxiety of how to deal with such an individual who is cruel in nature, but hides it behind a mask of civility. I am no longer a child and therefore am not limited to being powerless around such individuals or situations. But I am still finding a level of appropriate response without being left bereft or over-reacting. It as though a part of me is still a child in this, learning how to respond to the great bullying world that puts on a mask of civility.
     This issue strikes a deep cord in me for all those times that I have let those childish power games or malicious jokes go unanswered. I feel it connect to a level of anger. In my own psyche there is either paralysis or over-reaction, my instincts take hold and there is only fight or flight. As a child I could only respond with incomprehension when my father acted in such a fashion, washing between the shores of paralysis or the urge to fight. Of course, as a child one cannot strike your parents and even the thought induces guilty feelings. It creates a feeling of powerlessness against so great a force. I could no more strike out against my parents than I could fly to the moon.
    The dynamic this has created within me has set me up to view the universe through the same lens. When life or circumstance seems like a malicious joke, I am paralysed or feel rage at the circumstances binding me. Of course, lashing out at my new "parents" within my own spirituality holds just as much a taboo as striking out at my real family. It is said that you look upon the Gods as you look upon your parents, using the same filters and the same perceptions. So what does this mean for me? That when life plays a malicious trick, or is cruel, I simply accept it as the will of untouchable deities. That the rage and frustration I feel cannot be expressed or I will suffer greater indignities. It has created a fear of authorities within me, that I cannot speak up or out against their injustices or feel the wrath and punishment that breaking that taboo will bring even if their actions are unjust.
     I guess it is all in being able to handle these situation as an adult and not letting my rage carry or paralyze me. Growing up with this as a child made me feel powerless whenever something unfair or bad happened, I found ways to rationalise it within my self as to why it happened to me and for what purpose. I have let these situations occur in my own life and not stood up against them and answered them. I even doubt there is any way I could offend the universe, it doesn't have human sensibilities and would surely understand my human frustrations. I am sure God has heard it all before and it is quite likely my anger would be the amongst the least colourful things he hears each day. It also seems like if anyone is equipped to deal with anger and frustration and not react badly it should be God.
     It seems like being able to fully give my anger over to God is what I can learn from this, that I don't need to store it as a poison, nor cast it out into the world at people who are suffering just as much in life, or even more so if they are a bad person. If I can release that pain and suffering out into the universe, then it can be transformed. Releasing it into people or situations will only magnify whatever it is that I am suffering through.
   It is late..I have a lot to let go of and maybe once my cup is empty of this poison it can be filled with something better...

Dealing with Psychic Vampires Part 1

  Vampires are a common mainstay of myth and fantasy and they are also occupy centre stage in many of today's  entertainment mediums.
   They have gone through a bizarre process of being regarded somewhat as misunderstood anti-heroes in the mainstream media. Twilight is a good example. Meeting a walking corpse with a penchant for murder, blood drinking and hanging around minors many decades his junior would actually be repulsive to most decent human beings (regardless of his glittering). They have gone from being undead terrors of the night to sultry seducers. The same holds true for werewolves..but I don't want to get into that right now.
   Regardless of this cultural switch-around one still assumes that they are creatures of myth and fantasy. While I have certainly never encountered a real life blood sucker, and have no ambitions to change that should they exist. There is a kind of vampire that does exist... Psychic Vampires.
    Most of us at some point have encountered someone who drains your energy by their mere presence. These individuals tap into your life energy to fuel themselves because of their inability to do so themselves. They are often terrible martyrs and play the victim role to draw as much from you as possible. Often they attach to your energy field with cords or simply by getting into your personal space to draw it off. Most of these types do so unconsciously and to some degree we are all guilty of doing this at certain points. Cutting the cords to these types is relatively simple and requires no great skill. Simply avoiding them or stopping them hooking in, in the first place is recommended and I will soon post some simple exercises to help with this.
   There are however vampires that have been around for a while and this ability is a conscious choice to a lesser or greater degree. These intentional vampires are the ones to really watch out for. They are extremely rare and I have only ever encountered a handful of them, but they do exist. At this point the lines between fantasy and reality tend to blur somewhat. They are often skilled psychics and capable of manifesting some unusual phenomenon in their quest to draw life force. Most of the time they exist on the periphery of human society and the majority of mankind will never meet them, nor even if they encounter them have any idea that they did.
    My first experience with a psychic vampire of any power was many years ago. At the time I was working at a hostel and so I often ended up encountering an often unseen side of life. Working at the hostel I would meet up to 40 or 50 new people every day and of course sometimes those people would be oddballs. For the most part it was simply meeting and greeting backpackers and it was exciting and stimulating work. Everyone would have a story and many times it would be inspiring, about how they had left it all behind to travel the world or some such adventure. The vampire, although I had no idea she was such at first glance was also a traveller. I shall call her X to avoid using any real names. She arrived with a group of other women and was very social, she was bright, positive and a skilled clairvoyant. She was a little older than the regular backpacking crowd but not enough to mark her out as odd in that respect and the group she was travelling with was of a similar age.
    We got along very well initially as I had an interest in the unusual and her experiences as a psychic intrigued me. We talked about various experiences both of us has encountered and she talked about the manifestion of her psychic abilities slightly later in her life. They had come on strong and she was fully capable of seeing into different realms with some skill and encountering all manner of unusual beings. It was all very new to me and fascinating to imagine that those elements were part of our reality even if they existed beyond my current ability to perceive. She offered to help me open up my clairvoyant abilities in exchange for healing work and I gladly accepted. We spent a lot of time talking and being in each others company and I never felt drained around her, although she did ask for regular healing energy. The first clue came during one of my initial treatments with her although I was too inexperienced to correctly interpret it. I noticed as soon as the healing began that it seemed as though she was already full of energy, as though she was energised almost immediately. It felt as though the rest of the treatment was somewhat redundant and towards the middle of the treatment I perceived a vision of what appeared to be blood spiralling into her energy field. Like water going down a drain. My clairvoyant skills were still in their infancy and presumed that it was probably a menstrual issue and didn't wish to bring it up.
    She was planning to leave with her friends soon to see some more sights when one of her friends came to speak to me. She was in tears and an emotional wreck. She said that X had accused her draining her and that she no longer wished to travel with her. After I calmed her somewhat, she asked me if she was a drain on people. She was obviously distraught and X's behaviour struck me as unusual as she was usually very tactful and considerate of others feelings. I told her that I hadn't experienced that in her presence but it might be wise to take some time away from her to recharge her own batteries. Looking back I can see that this lady may have engaged in some unconscious draining of X and it seems that a psychic vampire would be extremely sensitive to any energy loss in her system.
     At this point X left for a while to continue her travels and I saw nothing more of her for another 6 months. She decided that she wished to some back and visit the area again. I was happy to hear that she was returning and that she would get to meet my girlfriend at the time. She stayed with us this time and I immediately noticed some tension between her and my girlfriend, so I was happy when she moved out to stay in the hostel. At this point I really started to notice some odd behaviour from her. She ended up sleeping with a guy who worked at the hostel who was 20 years her junior and the match seemed really unusual. She also started hanging around a female traveller who eventually complained that she felt awful around her and that she didn't want to even be close to her. I also witnessed several times her getting into people's personal space and placing her hands on their backs over their hearts. She also tried this with me and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable, enough to want to avoid her. I also started to hear similar stories from people around us that she was making a lot of people uncomfortable. I decided that I no longer really wanted to spend any time with her and it was pretty easy given that I spent a lot of it with my girlfriend anyways. This is when things got really weird...
      It happened late one night. I was awakened from a dream by intense shooting pains in my left arm, as though energy was shooting from my shoulder to my wrist. In the dream I had been leading a cavalry charge of angels on horseback through the heavens and I had been carrying a blazing sword in my left hand ( I am right handed usually). As I awoke groggily from sleep I saw what appeared to be a laughing visage floating in the air close to my bed with X's features. I was immediately shocked to hear my girlfriend chocking in the bed  nearby (we had bunks at the time in the hostel).
    She was in the midst of an intense dream and looked as though she was pinned to the bed. She woke as though in a deep sleep and when I threw the covers back she had scratches all down her legs. It is not beyond the realm of possibility she did this beforehand, but she would have had to have drawn her legs up to her chest or sat up to inflict the scratches I saw. The scratches faded quickly and soon there was only unblemished skin. She said that she was being choked by some sort of being that was sat over her chest and that she hadn't been able to breathe and had been trying to call out to me, but had been paralysed. I flicked the light on, things always seem better when the light is on!  Looking at our clock it was 2am. We then heard a  noise that sounded as though rats were running across the floor of our room, which was very creepy...even with the light on. Much later on when this was all done, while I was watching the Exorcist I heard a similar sound in the scene in which the mother is exploring the attic and she hears a noise.
    I prayed for guidance on what to do and received the information that we should just stay in the room and wait for an hour with the light on. That after 3am if would be safe to go back to sleep. I was happy to do this and felt time spent in the light was a good thing. Unfortunately my girlfriend needed the bathroom, which was at the end of the hall and couldn't wait the time till 3. She wanted me to come with her and stand outside the bathroom stall. I had no choice really so I agreed, even though it is the thing you shouldn't do in a horror film situation.
    We got to the bathroom without incident, then my girlfriend said she needed a pair of scissors (to this day I don't remember why). I knew that didn't have one in our room and the closest set was at the reception area in the front of the hostel. She was scared and I wanted this to be over as quickly as possible so I ventured down the stairs to the reception area. It was shortly after 2am and all the lights in the building were off on the lower floor. The switch for the lights was by the front door far from reach and so of course, not within easy reach. Sat on the couch in the darkness were two figures. It was hard to make out their features although they looked native, dark skinned and heavy set. They were not speaking or making any sound and I could not tell whether they were male or female. I had the presence of mind not to freeze..it was where I worked for starters and felt I was on home ground. I got the scissors from the rack behind the desk and felt that I couldn't just leave them sat there. We often had drunks try to camp out in the hostel and because I worked there I felt a level of responsibility. I intuitively felt I should challenge them, but no more than that. So I asked them if they were staying here. One of the figures called out "Here you go darling" and waved a key in the darkness. It was impossible to tell if the voice was male or female and I got out of there and upstairs quickly.
    After that things were good, although we did stay up till 3am before sleeping. The next morning I checked the registry and could not find anyone staying that matched their description. I had checked in most of the people myself and none of the other guests had names that were native. Nobody on the staff could recall seeing such individuals and so their presence remains a mystery. The key box had been locked in the safe.
    X left shortly after that and I lost contact with her. My guidance informed me that she was a vampire and a friend with more experienced also agreed on it. Looking back over the situation I could see several trends that were interesting. First off she was highly psychic, but unable to recharge herself energetically except through either "feeding" off others or at first being "healed" by an energetic healer. During a healing she was able to siphon off a great deal of energy very quickly showing her system was highly developed for moving large amounts of energy quickly. I didn't feel drained because when healing I tap into a greater, unlimited source which would mean I was simply a channel for that energy. She was able to astrally travel to feed and this took the guise of sleep paralysis for the victim who perceived this as similar to an encounter with a succubus/incubus or night hag. Mythologically vampires were able to call upon rats, bats and minions to serve them. The crawling scratching phenomenon sounded similar to a horde of rats although I didn't witness any visual phenomenon and it could be challenged as being that old chestnut of the building settling etc. The figures in the lobby reminded me of certain beings described in Carlos Castenada's series of books who needed to be challenged and would fit in with being minions.
    It could be accounted for by unusual dreams, house settling noises, sleep paralysis, hallucinations and bad paperwork if one was inclined to explain away the phenomenon, but this seems just as unusual a set of occurrences to occur in one evening. Given that I have encountered these phenomenon on a number of occasions suggests a deeper level of reality showing itself. I will explore the process further in my next post, where I hope to describe more recent situations and how to protect oneself properly.

If one is interested in deeper study of modern vampirism then you should take a look at this book:



Carlos Casteneda's series of books in also a great way to get a feel for altered states of awareness:


 
 

II - The High Priestess.

 The High Priestess is a powerful feminine force, she stands at the forefront of the Major Arcana and also as a high point on the Tree of Life within the Kabbalah esoteric school of thought.
    I feel she is the mystical consort of the Magician, although her aspect can be reflected in the Hierophant (Exoteric rather than esoteric knowledge) and the Hermit (a male correspondence to inner knowledge).
   Like all the Major Arcana it is rich in symbolism and allegory. She sits between the twin pillars of Boaz and Joachim, which where foundational supports for the temple of Solomon. Which can also be understood to represent the twin paths of mercy and severity, again upon the tree of life.
    She sits dressed in pale blue, the colour of communication, representing a connection to the throat chakra and the ability to hear the inner voice and its wisdom. Upon her head she wears a triple moon headdress, symbolising the three moon phases and linking her to many triple form goddess deities (Hathor and The Morrigan being prime examples). At her feet lies a crescent moon, similar to the depictions of Mary, but in reality speaking of more ancient traditions.
     In her hands can be seen a scroll with the inscription "Tora" upon it. This is somewhat similar to the letters on the Wheel of Fortune card and links us to the Tarot, Rota and Torah. The scroll represents the knowledge that lies in her hands and is partial concealed from casual observance.
    Even more striking and not readily apparent from a cursory examination is the that veil behind her actually hides an entire landscape complete with a sea and landmass. This veil is decorated with pomegranates an ancient and multifaceted symbol which relates to the underworld, or land of the dead. Therefore one would not go far wrong to assume that this veil hides the great undiscovered country that lies behind the veil of death, of which she is a guardian. The story of Persephone and her journey into the underworld, only to become trapped there by Hades for consuming a few pomegranate seeds is the connection we can see here.
    The High Priestess is the Guardian at the Gate for esoteric inner knowledge, for passage to the land of the dead and to the energies of the feminine, yin energies of Water and Earth.
    On a more superficial level she represents the stillness before action to contemplate and get in touch with your inner feminine knowing (whether you are woman or man). She is the oracle, the priestess and the seer. The wise woman and gentle feminine knowing. Her power is not as overt as the Magician, yet you ignore her advice at your own peril.
     I drew this card in the midst of my own individual process. In the last weekend I attended a Shamanic Workshop for advanced healing practices and during the many journeys I embarked upon a common theme emerged. It was of facing my own death through being devoured by an aquatic creature (a shark to be specific). Journey after journey took me to face this, even when we took a break for the night I had a dream of being on a sinking truck under which a shark swam waiting for me to be unable to escape. Finally on the last day I let myself be eaten. This didn't bring any immediate epiphany, it seldom works that quickly. But, I did feel as though a new boundary had been crossed.
     Later in the week it came home to me. I have only included a few of the many symbols and synchronicities that occurred through the workshop and the time preceding and following the journeys. There have been several themes involved, the main ones being death and female energy. In a book I have been reading called the Magus of Java the author discusses the energies of yin and yang as being oppositional forces that truly tangibly exist, rather than only being the philosophical mental constructs that people consider them to be. He posits that yin energy is the energy of the Earth and of Spirits and that Yang energy is solar energy that exists in all living beings. Yang is hot and is the energy I feel I primarily work with in healing sessions, the masculine energy of life and light.  The energies are not complementary as many would believe and they have an antagonistic relationship to each other. Yin energy is cold and is what one sense when spirits are present. The greater the quantity of yin present (either in the individual or in the being), the greater the ability to perceive these beings.
    My journeys and dreams spoke of the fear of yin energy, of the male Yang energy being consumed by opposing energy. It is the Jungian archetypal fear of the all consuming terrible mother, the castration fear in its purest form. Most men on the road to self awareness are willing and able to be in touch with their female energies, but how many are unafraid of being completely overcome with this energy? I don't doubt that it exists in women too to an equal degree for its masculine counterpart. The fear of death, of annihilation in the void of the female is a primal fear (at least for men).
     I had gone into the store where I work and sat talking with the ladies that run the store and told them of what I was going through and discussed the nature of being absorbed into the pure consciousness of the opposite energy (yin in my case). As we spoke I could feel the fear rise, the fear of losing my masculinity by getting too close to the female energy. Betty suggested a visualisation in which I imagined my body being transformed to that of the female form as a grid moved from my feet up to my head. After it was complete I could feel cold energy running up my spine and my hands begun to shake. The process lasted a good few hours and at one point my teeth were even chattering. A few days later there is still movements of the energy and I do not yet feel it is entirely complete, but I understand that the yin energy is necessary for completeness.
    The Yin or female energy is what allows us to part the curtain to the land of the dead and of spirits, it is the energy of the High Priestess, she is the psychopomp who takes us into that undiscovered country.

XVII - The Star

  It has been a little bit of time since I last updated the blog and several weeks has passed while the Star card sits upon my desk waiting for me to write on it.
   The Star is a positive card, one bearing a message of hope and fulfillment. It has certainly brought those elements forward in my life. In the last few weeks my healing business has taken off to a degree I would not normally imagine possible in a winter month. I have had a regular stream of customers coming for energy work and for the workshops I have run. Outside of that I have found myself busy everyday with one task or another and my schedule remains full with interesting prospects. There are also several side projects that are beginning to bear fruit after a long period of waiting.
   The card itself has a magical quality, a skyclad woman pours  never-ending streams of water from the two vessels she holds. One pours onto the land, the other back into the water. The woman is poised with one leg on the land and the other foot on the surface of the water. She is a picture of self assurance in her body and in her balance. Behind her are the seven stars of the Pleiades and one gigantic star above her. You can also catch a glimpse of a bird resting on a tree in the background. While it is difficult to make out what type of bird it actually depicts, various sources describe it as an Ibis the Egyptian bird of wisdom associated with Thoth.
    This is above all a card of hope, inspiration and illumination. The woman in the card is representative of the divine female in all her glory. She does not hide her form, nor is she self conscious. The Star has always been a guiding symbol of hope for the future, often associated with prophecy and the dawning of a new hopeful era. The Pleiades, or the seven sisters are a cluster of stars that can be seen cresting the horizon when spring arrives. They are also associated in New Age thought with the star beings who watch over and guide us towards our soul's destination.
   This cluster of stars has, for me found profound meaning as the Spring has often been a time when hope is renewed and I set forth with renewed vigour towards my spiritual goals. Several times when my hope has been at it's lowest points I have had profound dreams in which this cluster of stars had played a prominent role, encouraging me take heart and continue on. These dreams appeared with unnaturally vivid clarity and colour and stood apart from the usual cobwebbed dreamscapes.
    The idea of following one's star, or reaching for the stars finds its place here in the realm of hope and inspiration. The story of the Three Kings following a star to find the birthplace of Jesus resonates strongly here and has astrological significance, as the eight stars depicted here can relate to the eight known astrological planets of the old world.
    The vessels she pours onto the earth and water represent abundance of feeling and the renewal of the body and spirit that occurs with an influx of new hope. After the trials of the Devil card it is a breath of fresh air, a time of liberation, new growth and freedom. It represents the arrival in the blessed garden after the dangerous passage of the underworld. You can see the springing up of new shoots around where she pours the vessels onto the ground, these symbolise new life and hope.
    The Ibis on the tree behind her is a symbol of wisdom, a bird that could wade through the shallow waters of the Nile and pluck fish from the water with it's long thin bill. It finds association with Thoth the Egyptian God of hermetic wisdom, who was depicted as an Ibis headed being. Hermetic wisdom is wisdom gained through deep introspection and through no worldly source. This fits nicely with the idea of inspiration coming from divine or otherworldly sources.
     In the my life this card also has further meaning, which relates to recent events. Apart from a feeling of renewed hope and feeling returning to me. Which of course I welcome with great gratitude. These is another aspect. Many years ago I had the pleasure of meeting a lady by the name of Alexa Young. She had created an oracle based around the Tarot, it is a inspired creation and involves a group of people coming together to experience the Tarot in a group setting. It is based around a board and can be called a game only in the loosest definition. Alexa held the Star card to be the card that inspired her to create the game and it's symbolism is intrinsically linked with the game. When I met her she asked through her daughter Lisa if I would like to play a game with her, which we did. The title of the Oracle was Llumination and it was a way to experience the magic of the tarot in a expanded setting and to share it with others.
     Llumination has been around for many years, but Alexa's untimely passing left the game and it's many inspired offshoots languishing in a legal marshland. I took it upon myself to learn how to facilitate the games in order to help promote it, as I believe it is a very valuable tool for self-discovery.  In the last few weeks though, there has been new growth and excitement for the game and the related Tarot resources. I have had the personal pleasure of helping to move the game forward and it is a time of renewed hope for it to get out there and into the world with the recognition it truly deserves.
   
 

Forgiveness and releasing grudges

  Last night I had a dream. In the dream I found myself in a village and in the village centre I saw all the townsfolk at war with each other. At first I wondered why they would be fighting and then I saw the cause. Above them hovered a gigantic spectral skull and I knew that they fought because of this apparition.  I knew that if I could vanquish this spectre then the people would be free and would no longer turn upon their neighbours. So I gave chase to the skull and used a bow and arrows that had appeared in my hands to try and destroy it. Each time I was about to deliver the final blow it would round a corner and I would not be able to line up a shot. At this point I awoke from sleep the skull still at large.
    Now you may wonder what this has to do with forgiveness and grudges, but stay with me and it will become apparent.
    Many years ago I my trust in a dear friend was betrayed. This single event has been a catalyst for me in coming to terms with many great and difficult issues for me. From this I have learned to get in touch with my anger and to understand what it is to stand up for one's own integrity. Her subsequent disappearance forced me to deal with this on an internal level since it could not play itself out in the world. Forgiveness has been out of reach for me and an earlier acceptance would have meant an avoidance of those very aspects which had caused the situation in the first place.
   Yet I find that I do not have a complete sense of peace in my heart. I doubt that the person in question will ever come forward and apologise. So is my sense of peace dependent on the fickleness of another? Forgiveness has always come easy to me until now and I had never known it was so easy because my sense of self worth and integrity had allowed my feelings to be walked upon without raising an objection. How much more difficult it becomes once one has stood for their own worth.
    One of the most difficult pieces of the puzzle is how to let go without going backwards, without offering acceptance for behaviour I know is un-acceptable. Yet without a form of acceptance there is no peace. How does one go forward in love without losing self worth and integrity or lining oneself up for repeat situations?
  In the dream the people war with one another because of this spectre of the past. I let it escape because of my own fears of what will occur once it no longer exists.
   I know that I don't wish to wait till judgement day to find my peace once more..it is too long a wait. It surely cannot rest upon the acquiescence of another even if one hopes for that. I read on forgiveness yesterday and was struck my several accounts of forgiveness. One was a priest who was beaten daily for his faith and he had advised that one must forgive entirely, that not one shred must be left. Another stated that you must forgive so entirely that the other must be allowed to save face and you cannot hold anything against them, not in word, action, attitude or posture. Visualising this for me caused me a great deal of difficulty, how so much I want the other to understand the damage done. Yet while I do this they still posses an element of power over me.
   It seems that forgiveness is the only way to fully release that, to return to my power in love. Yet one must also hold to one's course, to one's boundaries or all is lost and the lesson is lost. This situation also holds true for other situations in which grudges are held. Holding out for an acknowledgement from one who is unrepentant, unaware or unwilling is a fool's errand. This process is a delicate one and requires that each step along the road must be taken in fullness and not bypassed because one understands where the final step lays. Going through the anger, the pain and all the scars is necessary to grow as fully as possible. Any little left uncleansed remains with us and arriving at forgiveness prematurely is just as dangerous as never arriving at all.
   I have been arriving at that place in myself in which I can feel love for those that have wronged me, yet be able to see, free of judgement that they are damaged and not feel the need to push that upon them. Each person is necessarily at a different point and for some no less than exclusion is necessary to maintain my boundaries comfortably. Others I could allow back into my life if they wished it so, with loving conditions. There is a teasing apart of all that comprises each relationship and understanding where the boundaries need to lay and it is a process that has to rely only on my own inner authority.
   

XIV - Temperance. The Higher self or guardian angel.

  Temperance is an unusual card. It is difficult to understand it's meaning with just a simple glance and the name temperance doesn't really do justice for a Major Arcana.
    Temperance is derived from tempering which is a term used when metals such as steel are made tougher by alternatively heating them in a forge and then cooling them by quenching them in water. It also means moderation on a lesser scale, although that is a more superficial approach to this card and does not touch upon the greater truths existent within this key.
    The superficial attribution of this card is to apply moderation in ones life, to cut back on extremes and curb passions or desires that would be harmful in greater quantities. Temperance is itself a virtue in which one seeks to moderate excesses in thought, feeling or emotional outbursts.
   To understand the more esoteric side of this card we have to delve into the symbolism involved. The first aspect that is obvious is the angel stood in the centre of the card. This angelic being represents our own guardian angel. The job of the guardian angel is to watch over us and to keep us safe from harm, they are the spiritual protectors of our soul. This angel is also synonymous with the higher self or the super consciousness we all possess.
        In the unregenerate or vegetative person this aspect is more a function of the unconscious and they will be unaware of the influence this force plays in their life. This force or element has a very refined consciousness and is available to all and any who would also bring their own consciousness up to a similar level. It will still act on a vegetative person, but they will perceive it as an urging towards moderation by instinctual forces. The average person will recognise it as the voice of conscience which alerts us when we stray into danger or fall into excess. A refined consciousness will recognise it as an intelligence which can offer guidance, advice and solace. It is quite capable of communication, provided we have not shunned our conscience overmuch and are willing and open to our inner landscape.
    Once we are open to our conscience as a guide then the angel begins its real task, that of tempering the soul. The angle guides us into life situations that temper us to bring out the greater, stronger qualities we possess. Just as the sword blade must be alternatively be plunged into heat and water to bring forth its inherent strength so must we. The angel is in charge of making sure that these challenges are not sufficiently dangerous or difficult so that we become shattered and providing aid for us when things are hard.
    In the card we see that the angle has a upward pointing triangle upon his chest, this symbolises the element of fire. His flame red wings also speak of both fire and air, the elements which are often attributed to masculinity and the heavenly realms. His feet stand on both earth and water, the two female elements which are also connected to the earthly realms. He is in the process of mixing a liquid substance between two chalices, as if carefully measuring an elixir.
     This card, like The Lovers card is about syzygy (conjunction of opposites). This card however is talking about that work as concerns one individual. That being's ascent into selfhood, as evidenced by the path by the angel's side. It is talking of an alchemical process with that being, or carefully mixing all the elements together to create a perfect elixir for enlightenment. The Lover's card is primarily concerned with masculine and feminine forces and often relates to an external individual or situation.
     The pathway to the angel's side leads to a mountain and beyond to a radiant sun with a blazing crown within. This crown and sun talks of the mystical centre, the point at which conversation with the higher self is possible only after the conjunction of oppositional elements. It relates to Tiphareth in the Kabbalah. The Temperance card, when placed in pathworking falls between Yesod (the subconscious) and Tiphareth (the heart centre). The crown represents the symbol of rightful leadership which is only be granted to the heart that is connected to the light of the source. The angel of Temperance clears the way, working on all the subconscious elements to make the pathway open to the devoted seeker. This pathway is known as the rainbow bridge, created by the archer's arrow which shoots forth the pierce the heart. It is not a surprise then that Sagittarius is the zodiac sign that is attributed to this card. It was known as Bifröst in Norse mythology, the bridge that connected the world of man with the world of the gods.
       On the opposite side of the angel, we find a stand of Irises, which mean rainbow in Greek. This of course corresponds to the aforementioned rainbow bridge.
      On a personal level this card means a level of transformation and growth after a trying period. Things have been very rough for me recently and 2011 was a difficult year. It has left me a little battered and bruised and this card is here to show me that the crucible was a necessary journey for me. I could have been shattered by the events, but the carefully measured situation has allowed me to become tougher. I feel a new transformation is necessary for me, that I need to grow and open up in a different direction. It is giving me the strength to trust my heart to lead me in the right direction. This last year has shown me I have been willing to bend to the will of those who would not serve my best interests all too easily. Only what I know in my heart can lead me, not the will of those who cannot and do not listen to their own. The voice of my heart and conscience is the only and rightful ruler of my life and I have needed to have that pathway cleared.
      Interestingly I had a dream the night I drew this card in which I was talking with a man and I was explaining the virtue of kundalini energy. I was explaining that it was like embodying the serpent and the dove. I can think of no better symbol to explain the forces that need to be combined for kundalini energy to flow.
 
 

9 of Pentacles. Financial independence and superiority.

     This card is about plenty and the freedom granted by financial independence. It has brought up a great deal of personal baggage in trying to get myself into the right frame of mind to discuss it. Sometimes entering into the mind state of the card is harder than usual, certainly if the card represents a state that is not resonant for me at this time.
     None-the-less I will discuss the card before delving into the more personal aspects. The nine is close to the end of the material cycle represented by the pentacles, we are almost at fullness within this suit. The lady in the card is enjoying all the fruits that material security and independence can buy. She is leisurely enjoying her estate in a fine robe covered in Venusian symbols. Venus being the planet of beauty it shows that her finery is of the greatest opulence. It is a golden robe, which again exemplifies the wealth this card represents. The trim on the robe, along with the hat she wears is a vivid red. Red being a colour of vibrancy, material power and vigour.
        Behind her is a golden sunset, the composition balanced by two trees either side of her. The Venusian symbolism, the finery and the balance all suggest this card has links to Libra.  To either side of her are the pentacles stacked alongside the rich bunches of grapes, suggesting she can afford to enjoy the finer things in life. The hooded hawk itself is another symbol of aristocracy, also showing her freedom to move about and return to a comfortable resting place. It's hood remains in place as it is not now the time to hunt, but to relax.
       At the foot of the card is a snail showing the leisurely and sedate pace created by the secure foundation of wealth. There is no hurry and what one has is simply to be enjoyed.
      The card itself seems simple in its analysis but it has been difficult for me to feel the energy behind it. My current financial situation does not reflect the energy of the card, if anything it reflects its opposite. For me my life does not include a material stability or the ability to take things easy and enjoy the finer aspects of living. This created a great deal of conflicted feelings as most of the cards I have drawn have had a real life situation occur that allowed me to understand the energy. Instead this card has raised frustrations and ugly feelings.
      Rather than feel stuck, I have looked at the feelings that have emerged in trying to emulate this mindset in attempt to understand why I cannot bring this energy into fruition in my life. Much as when trying to flush out a blocked pipe the first thing to emerge is the cause of the blockage and all that has caused the clogging.
     What arises in me is envy. Envy is not an emotion I am used to. Although once I look at it, I see how pervasive it has become in my own life. Being brought to my financial knees has magnified the envy I feel for all those around me in such a way that it has become an intolerable noise. Upon further examination I see that it goes even deeper into my psyche. Last night as I drifted off to sleep I asked for a dream to elucidate my situation so I could better understand how this feeling may be blocking me.
      I dreamt that I was in a department store in which several high-tech stands were set up. I was there with my younger brother, although he was much younger in the dream...little more than a young child. I was in possession of a large felt block or box which strapped onto my back by virtue of a Velcro strap. When I put the pale green box onto my back I could hover about at a height of a foot or two. It was quite a pleasurable experience and the box itself felt weightless. As I was hovering about, my brother threw a toy or figurine into a glass display case shattering the front. One of the shop workers came over and scolded me for my brother's actions and informed me that I wouldn't be able to work there because of his action. I felt non-plussed by this as I wasn't really interested in it in the first place. I was considering offering the box to my brother when the dream shifted. It then moved into another aspect about another area of my life which does not seem relevant.
      Symbolically the green represents envy and the block...well that represents a block. But, the dream suggests that I am willingly donning the block because it elevates me. I can understand how this may be. I can feel elevated by my envy, I can even feel an element of superiority (aerial superiority!). If I feel elevated then I would naturally feel envious of those who are below me from possessing what I do not. My desire is not born of a genuine desire, but from a righteousness derived from a false sense of superiority. Letting go of this envy and the superior elevated position, although less pleasurable immediately will lead to me finding my own level. It will put me in contact with the earth and ground me in reality.
      It is easy to find the source of this. Growing up I was the smallest in my year...bar the kid with a growth disorder. I was also one of the youngest, struggled with my school work and was naturally shy. My family was not wealthy so seeing others with more was a regular occurrence. My father also had a serious inferiority complex, often claiming that Italians were responsible for every single good thing in civilization and therefore by extension he was part of that legacy. I could go on, but it does not serve as there are many factors in this stew and no one thing is fully responsible.  It is natural that I would want to feel bigger, better and superior to those who surrounded me, if only to be able to compete.
      I can see that this constructed sense of superiority disconnects me from the earth and my true self. I know I possess many good qualities and this envy exists because of my childhood difficulties. It is difficult for me to feel a desire for something without going through a sense of entitlement born of an elevated sense of self. But it is not connected, it is not genuine and only serves to feed this dynamic of envy.
     The block in the dream is only connected by a strap of Velcro, yet the desire to feel elevated is strong. Finding a block that doesn't weigh me down is novel, as in my experience they often possess a weight which creates a lethargy and feelings of heaviness. Letting go of the block means letting go of a safety mechanism that has been in place for a long time and has served to keep me afloat when things should have buried me. I know now that I can rely on my own self worth and do not need to keep an aid to buoyancy with me. It is only keeping me from connecting fully with the earth.
      In the end I have to let go of this barrier to financial independence, the feeling that has kept me safe for so long. Because it no longer serves and only suffices to keep me disconnected. The elevated sense of self. It is the shadow side of the 9 of Pentacles, an elevated sense of superiority. Granted by things real or imagined.

6 of Cups. Nostalgia and reminiscence

    Nostalgia is a powerful bittersweet emotion. It can be wonderful and terrible at the same time, bring aches to your heart and tears to your eyes.
    The 6 of Cups is all about that emotion, even in spite of its somewhat confusing imagery. The brightly coloured card shows a figure passing a cup  filled with flowers to a younger girl...possibly a child. It takes place in a secure walled town, complete with a guard protecting the meadow where they meet.
    I have spent many of my hours of my life lost in nostalgia, recalling the emotions of past times. Mostly I spend it recalling how I felt, emotions that feel out of reach except in bittersweet memories. People say that these emotions are a trap, that they hold you in the past, grasping for things that will never be again. There is an element of truth in their words, but there is also a reason we feel so drawn to these types of thoughts.
   There was one element in this card that I could not figure out at first. All of the cards are very well drawn, depicting with skill the elements they talk of. So as an artist there was one thing that stood out to me as I looked at this card. Barring the somewhat ambiguous depiction of a child, there seems to be a strong artistic flaw in this picture.  Looking to the left of the card we see steps and a pathway on which a guard with a spear is walking. The pathway is sloping upwards and the lines of perspective point in that direction too, yet the crenelations on the square tower point downwards towards the horizon line. This creates a discontinuity in the image. It is easy to think this may well be an artistic mistake that was overlooked, but if we are to remain in keeping with the idea that all elements have been included for a purpose then it may speak of more beneath the surface of this card.
       There are two options I can think of. The first is that the skewed perspective is a commentary on the warped perspectives we often show when we look back on the past, certainly on childhood experiences. The second is that the perspective is not incorrect and it is showing a bridge that is arcing up before suddenly dipping down. This would mean there was a river or some other obstacle we could not see that needed to be surmounted.
    There may be an element of truth in both of these statements. As a shaman I understand that memories of the past, regardless of how painful can be keys to certain lost emotions. There are some wounds that do not heal with time and our memories serve to bring us back to these psychical scars time and time again as if probing a missing tooth.
    I had a simple dream a few nights back that I have been puzzling over that I believe is somewhat related, at least for me. In the dream I had just emerged from a deep cave system, which has treacherous pathways and narrow ledges. I came upon a town in which I encountered a new car which apparently I had just bought. It was a deep red sporty looking vehicle, somewhat like a Mustang but with a slightly different design. I got into the vehicle and pulled out a map to find my way back home. The map showed a mountain range (somewhat like Colorado) with lots of names upon it. I was trying to find either where I had come up, or Flagstaff so I could return home with my new car. The dream was frustrating in that I could not find either on the map and I didn't want to start driving a new car not knowing where I was or where I was going.
    Looking back on the dream I can understand my feelings, having felt like I have just emerged from a very difficult period and found a new way of moving through the world. The problem is in how to bring that home to myself. I look on the map trying to find places I knew, yet not finding them. It is like I can't bring that piece home yet as I don't know the route. I search for a recognizable route but find none.
    Often nostalgia is like this. We can find a piece of ourselves trapped somewhere, but there is no point of reference on how to bring it back. So we go again and again to this place to taste the fruit that we have become disconnected from.
   Maybe that is the bridge unseen in the card. A link between that sweet memory and the security of our own being. It crosses an unknown obstacle and the route drops out of sight.
   The nostalgia in me points to a time when I did feel that great sense of adventure which the sporty car represents. Yet that time is gone and I am yet to understand how to bring it back to my home. I could live it once more by adopting the same attitudes as I had before and embarking on carefree endeavors. I could live in that disconnected dream world, but I have done that many times before. I know eventually the fuel would run low and I would need to rest my head, but I would be in unknown territory and far from home. So I chose not to adopt the mindset of the old...yet there is something there still to be integrated.
    In the card we see the larger figure gifting the smaller figure, a possible representation of our own inner child. So the card suggests that nostalgia does offer a gift if we can accept it and find a way to bring it back across the bridge. The way is safe, but unknown and that in itself can be a terrifying prospect.
    What I understand is that we have to find these lost fragments of ourselves, the parts of us that have been lost to time, or to hurt and find a way to bring them back to ourselves as we stand now. Otherwise we will never feel complete. It is a process of unearthing, like pulling an artifact from the ground and following the wire as it pulls out from the grip of our memories. By doing so we can see why it got stuck or buried, what was lain atop it or caused it to be disregarded. We must walk that mysterious bridge half glimpsed for ourselves for only then will we become whole. It can be a painful and beautiful journey as we step back into ourselves, but we must not lose hope that these pieces are gone forever. They are us, they are our soul and we must not abandon them.
    Many times we even feel that they are the property of others, that another made us feel that way. But by doing so we lose our power, it is our life and our feelings, they were just a trigger and it is within us to find it again.
    For me music is often that bridge to the feeling. The music can transport you back to a painful or difficult moment and allow you to relive it once more. By doing so it allows us to re-integrate that part back into our current awareness. I have been recently listening to the Pixies (Where is my mind? and Monkey gone to heaven) and a few other songs that remind me of feelings I had felt were lost to me and learning how to make them my own once more. Stripping them of their negative associations and taking only the good back.
     

I want never gets, a legacy of guilt.

   I have recently been opening up the rest of my energy system to kundalini energy. I have run into a deadly trap within my own system and it has been holding me up for a long while. Thankfully with help from some of my dreams I am making headway.
    Many years ago I had my first kundalini awakening, I discuss it fully in one of my first posts here. Suffice to say that it only opened up the energy in the upper part of my torso, arms, head and neck included. The energy didn't fully flow down into my lower torso or legs especially around the root chakra. I didn't think much of it at the time as the experience was new to me to begin with. It was only much later that I discovered that the energy within me was not fully balanced.
   The problem became a little more pronounced later, causing me to suffer from a restless leg style side effect which I later discovered were kriyas. The energy was trying to equalize during the sleep cycles or during meditation and it was much too strong to happen without a lot of discomfort and pain.
   This continued for many years and I simply didn't know how to go about resolving it. Other healers were at a loss and the strong physical aspect of it only served to frighten. Recently (within the last year) I managed to discover and resolve the blockage that was causing so much disturbance with deep meditation, relaxation and giving in to the discomfort. There was also a large psychological element along with emotional affects which also needed to be worked on. The problem has not re-occurred and I can now sleep and meditate without this energy spike occurring.
     It seems as though the work on my legs and feet is not quite finished though. The legs and feet correspond to the material world and my connection to it. I still am running into numerous material issues, both financially and health wise. Financially the flow is more of a drip. Health wise, my hips, hamstrings, ankles and the soles of my feet are subject to tension and inflexibility. Both aspects seem a mirror of each other. The major blockage has been resolved, but the pathways are still blocked.
    A few nights ago I had a dream which elucidated the problem. In the dream I was trying to move down a corridor which had several branches. All along the floor were tiny holes from which arrows and needles would fire forth whenever I moved along the corridor. It made moving down the corridor at any speed both painful and difficult. There were several painted pathways on the ground in blue and red and the blue pathways seemed the easiest to traverse.
    It seemed a perfect analogy for the matter at hand. Trying to move energy (or even blood or fluids) through my legs was a painful and slow process subject to pain. The faster I attempted to stretch my legs and hips out the worse it would become. Unfortunately the rate at which it is comfortable to move is too slow and any faster movement causes pain. This, like trying to make headway in my financial life is intolerably slow and not something that can be suffered for the long term. Looking at the problem only served to cause frustration and depression as there seems to be no alternative.
   So, last night I took a walk to Walgreens (a 24hr pharmacy) ostensibly to pick up some hot chocolate and a drink for Zoe so I could give myself some space to think. As I walked through the campus late at night listening to my ipod a thought occurred to me. I believe it was Einstein that stated that "no problem can be solved at the level it was created". This serves well for any situation and I realised that I was looking at the situation all wrong.
   Rather than seeing the traps as the problem to be overcome I needed to regard the entire situation from a higher level. I have been looking at how the situation is defended and not why. My body/mind system is seeking to stop movement along the pathway, especially anything large or fast. So there is a movement of energy, but only in small chunks, or larger ones if I don't mind taking the hits. I had to consider why is this considered a threat that needs to be reduced or eliminated. 
     I knew that I could rely on my subconscious to eventually figure it out, so when I went to bed I took my notebook and a little reading light. It seems that between 1am and 3am is the best time for letting my mind hazily drift over the topics without distraction. Note: I did not think about it, I just let my mind kind of gaze at it...seeing out of the corner of my eye as it were.
    Part of me thought that it was likely to do with success, that maybe I had a fear of success. But this although fitting the scenario did not get any traction. Then I began to consider that achieving success might bring forth unwanted feelings or thoughts. I looked at my own attitude and realised that a part of me just thinks it isn't possible, that regardless of how hard I try things aren't going to work out for me. That I am just doomed to not get what I want. Now this thought rang a bell.
    Many years back when I had my first experience with kundalini I was working on a big issue for me which was finding my voice. I grew up being painfully shy and unable to express myself. In the end it all came down to what I had been reinforced with since I was a small child. It was the phrase "I want never gets". This maxim had been hammered into me as I grew up. If I said the dreaded phrase "I want" I would be berated and told that I was being VERY rude and given sour looks. Obviously I would be racked with guilt if ever such a phrase slipped out of my lips. Instead I had to phrase everything to cause minimum offense and so that my parents could feel okay with denying my wants, since they were no longer wants, but only very polite requests. All and any of my desires ran the risk of being vetoed. I had to be grateful for whatever I got, even if it wasn't what I wanted.
      Now this all where it began to make sense to me. The protective system is in place to save me from actually getting what I want and therefore doing something shameful and bad. I have worked through my issues enough to be able to express those wants and desires, but as for actually getting them? This idea of "I want never gets" has been so deeply inculcated that it literally stops it from occurring. For me it is a deep universal truth and while I may be able to deny its truth on a mental and verbal level, physically and emotionally it is still just as true as when I was 5 years old. My body literally battles against my mind and tries to protect me from shame and guilt. It leaves me with a legacy of never being fulfilled as it would be asking too much from my poor beleaguered parents. A ridiculous and outdated program in my own psyche.
     The key in this is turning those guardian forces around and to have them working for me rather than against me. They no longer need to protect me from guilt and shame, which are always seen as omnipresent threats for undesirable behaviour. Then I could stop projecting these parental figures onto any beings/organisations etc that might hold my well-being in their hands be it people, bosses or even the universe itself! I can say I want and not expect punishment.
    For my full understanding I must look at the reverse side of why someone would say that in the first place. From my own understanding it is from that person's poverty mindset. I feel that reasonable requests and desires are never really outside of the realm of possibility. A parent often feels that they have to provide everything for the child, but this is a fallacy of limited thinking. The parent is only the vessel of transmission from the universe to the child. If the parent believes that their own desires are not being fulfilled by the cosmos, then they are likely to pass on that mindset to the child, even if this is not actually true. My desires as a child were well within the bounds of possibility, often a new toy I really wanted or the gift of time and attention from a parent. My parents had been living in a scarcity mindset and they felt those things were not even achievable. This was not actually true and the few things I really needed would never have broken the bank. If they had taken the time to look at the needs of a family, they may have realised that their lives were out of alignment and found new and more fulfilling ways of living. They each made their choices and placed the burden of guilt upon me as a child for not being a party to their conspiracy of poverty. My desires were punished with guilt and had to be quieted or smothered for the benefit of not upsetting the status quo. If this legacy were theirs alone then this would be a different matter, but I now must spend my time digging up the bones of the past so I can be free of their influence.
     Seeing this, I can now be free of the guilt and shame that I have felt towards myself and start to really consider what to do from hereon out. It was never my guilt and shame, but that of my parents.
     Knowing this I can re-purpose those defenses to protect from further assaults designed to make me feel the  guilt or shame of another. When I feel a desire arise I can then process it and defend it from those who would seek to make me feel ashamed of natural wants and desires. Guilt is a feeling that arises from within and we do not have to accept it from an outside source, so now I can move forward without having to figure out when to defend against being guilted when I don't feel that way.
   
   

0 - The Fool

 The Fool card begins the journey of the tarot. It is numbered zero and stands both above and before the rest of the Major Arcana. It plays a role similar to the joker in the regular decks in that it is a card that stands outside the regular numbering.
  The tarot can be seen as a journey through the Major Arcana and the Fool card represents the querent as he begins his quest. He is the innocent who begins his journey in honest naivete and is able through beginners luck to avoid the pitfalls laid before him. The hobbits in Lord of the Rings represent this kind of energy, through lack of guile and purity of heart they are able to avoid many pitfalls that should fell them. They initially leave the shire and manage through instinctual fumbling to avoid the terrible danger of the ring wraiths.
     The Fool represents both innate wisdom and purity of instinct, though not consciously manifested.
      This is a very powerful card and when it appears it indicates a level of divine providence provided one releases guile and cunning and trusts innately.
     In my own life there have been several instances when the energy of the Fool card has been instrumental in my successes. Recently I have been struggling with several issues, that seem to leave me wondering how to proceed. It is a confluence of forces and circumstances that leaves me exhausted and endlessly analyzing how to progress to no avail. Then several nights ago when I was first pondering this card I had a dream. In this dream I encountered an alien who showed me several very brightly coloured layers of a crystalline substance. These crystal layers covered the soles of the feet and to me had a somewhat unknown quality. I was trying to see them on people, but could only see them with his help, but he assured me I would be able to do so eventually.
   Although the symbolism is a little confusing, it is to do with the tension I have been feeling in the soles of my feet recently. The soles of the feet represent connection to the earth and given my financial difficulties of late, there is obviously some obstruction that I am not fully able to perceive. The energy is crystallizing, which is what happens if energy stagnates for a period of time and I need to find a way to break through this as yet unknown and invisible substance.
   What is most striking to me is the vivid colours in the dream. When I dream of very vivid colours they are always significant in a profound and spiritual way. They occur very rarely and they always indicate the areas in which I should put the main of my attention.
   When I first felt a draw to the US I had a profound dream in which I was led to a cliff side which had four very large luminous bears standing at the summit and I had to climb the treacherous cliff to reach them. This was the dream that really initiated me into being here and on this journey.  Many years later when my attempts to move to the US had failed, I was then shown another vivid dream with the Pleiades star system lit by unearthly colours. The Pleiades or the seven sisters is the first constellation to appear over the horizon in spring and that is when I decided to return to the US. All along the way my journey has been illuminated by these profound dreams and they always signal to me that spirit is on my side and I just need to step out and trust.
    In many of those instances I felt like the Fool. I was beginning a journey and only by trusting in spirit to guide my journey and protect me from the pitfalls, many of which I could not see or begin to understand.
   In the card the fool has his eyes firmly fixed on the heavens unaware or uncaring of the dangerous drop right ahead of him. He carries all his belongings in a bag over his shoulder and a white rose of pure love in his hand.  His tunic is adorned with vivid colours and depicting hearts, wheels and plant like patterns. These symbols are newly formed and do not have the strength or integrity of some of the later symbols, but are no less powerful because they are driven by innocent virtue. He is still growing yet into his fullness and this youthful energy imparts a measure of strength and protection. Upon his head sits a laurel wreath and a feather in his cap, both symbols of attainment, though he seems unaware of their existence and it is likely he wears them without understanding their meaning. He is a victor without knowledge of such, a humble champion.
    Behind him the sun shines upon him and is at his back, reinforcing his solar aspect as a yet unproven hero. The dog nipping at his heels represents his instincts which, like lassie guide him away from danger unseen. There is a foppish nature to this young youth, a fresh innocence and a belief that there can be no danger that he cannot overcome with this attitude. The thing is, because his belief is so strong and pure, at this point in the journey he is absolutely right.
    For me the appearance of this card at this time is very fortuitous. I have worried that my own desire to create a secure financial base for myself is one based on personal need alone. That I have taken "time out" from my journey to pursue this quest. Similar to a side mission in a video game...not the main story, but an irrelevant refueling event that is only slowing me down. The appearance of this dream suggests that I am actually on track and can relax into the role of the Fool and not carry all these guilt worries that I am not doing what I am "meant" to be. More than that I can fully trust the universe to help me out and not feel as though I am doing this out of selfish desire. This is the beginning of a new journey for me and stepping into that lighter, more innocent role is to my advantage, rather than carrying the burdensome concern about picking the right trail.
    The interesting aspect of the Fool card is that it exists both at the beginning of the Major Arcana, but also outside of the numbering. He doesn't have a fixed position and technically as he progresses he visits each of the Major Arcana. The journey through the tarot represents an archetypal evolution through life and each of the different experiential encounters we meet on the road. The Fool however is omnipresent and we should not leave him behind at the beginning of the journey but carry him through till the end. While we must not forget the lessons of the past, we can meet each new challenge anew as the Fool. Rather than fumbling through the book of our experiences, we must meet new challenges as the Fool, the open but humble hero with the sun at his back and his faithful hound ready to protect him from danger.