New Paradigm

 So, it's been a while...
    But I have been busy!
   I successfully graduated massage school late last year and have signed a contract for a new space in town. So, I'll be practicing in a professional setting and building a business for myself.
   You can check it out by going to my services page or going to this address:
   www.NewParadigmTherapy.com

   I hope to get back to writing my blog more fully soon!

Page of Cups. Dreams and the youth

  The Page of Cups is a familiar card to me. Some cards just tend to turn up more often in readings than in others. When this happens you develop a rapport with the card, the card begins to transcend it's original pictorial meaning and develops something of a personal tone.
   The picture on the card depicts a youth, usually one of watery emotional disposition ( a dreamer usually) who is examining a fish he holds within a chalice. The youth is colourfully dressed in red, blue and yellow with lotuses embroidered on the tunic. On his head he wears a whimsical looking hat and scarf which looks reminiscent of a wave, both in colour and shape.
   The lotus, we have discussed before is a symbol of the ability to transform waste into beauty and is analogous with the chakras, both in form and function.
    The youth is stood in somewhat of a theatrical stance, he almost looks as though he is an actor in a play about to break into song about his fish. In this way we can understand the basic demeanor of the youth within the card. He is playful and doesn't take life too seriously.
      The fish for me is a symbol of dreams, like fish they swim just beneath the surface of the unconscious, breaking the surface occasionally and returning to the depths just as quickly. The youth has a good connection with his dreams, both the type of dreams we have at night and the type we hold aloft and aspire to. The former being a form of guidance in order to accomplish the latter.
   As with the youth, I have a good connection with my dreams remembering them almost nightly and sometimes more than one if I am on the trail of a particular idea. Recently I have been practicing my ability to journey. Journeying is the ability to travel consciously into the realm of dreams and bring back information from the unconscious, similar to a diver looking for pearls. At first it is difficult in the journey to separate an over-active intellect from the true subconscious material, although even the material your intellect delivers is affected by the tone of the subconscious material it is attempting to convey. In this way even material that seems over-intellectualised or imagined is useful because it is coloured by genuine information.
   Recently though I have found that my intellect has taken too direct a hand in trying to classify, objectify and extract meaning from the material brought forth. Like a young actor in a scene I have become overly invested in the reason for a character's actions rather than remaining true to the emotional core of the role. In doing so the energetic core can become lost in the egoic process of examination, forever marginalised to a sideline as it has to be "worked out".
    The card is a reminded to return to the whimsical energy of the dream and not get caught up in intellectualising or allowing the mind too much control. This has been a common thread with several journeys recently in allowing the unconscious material to surface without overlaying or submerging it with the weight of analysis. A tendency I fear I have had for too long.
   I have found that remaining open to seeing whatever emerged without allowing my mind to immediately begin analysis has been most fruitful. An example being that in a recent journey I perceived what seemed to me to be a feathery wing. Immediately my mind began to try and classify the phenomenon. Maybe it is a pegasus or a bird, maybe a dragon or a feathered serpent. In doing so I began to lose the connection to the genuine material that was emerging and falling into my mind. In learning to meditate and to journey the mind has learned to take a back seat in order to allow the phenomena to emerge, yet all it has done is wait till a later step in the process to attempt to assume control.
    The figure of the youth on the card is also symbolic of another situation in my life. A recent journey yielded information about several plants that would be helpful for me. I sat on this information for quite a while, since I doubted it's veracity. My perception that I didn't know anything about herbalism or plant remedies stood in the way of using the information I received. In the journey I was shown snapdragons, a willow tree and then taken underwater to be shown kelp. It was a simple and quick journey and my mind was quick to dismiss any likelihood that it would hold value.
    Late last week, Zoe and I were at New Frontiers (a health food store) where I was tentatively looking for the plant mixtures. I was having a difficult time following my intuition on it and had been looking at the blue-green algae instead ( I had been told it was very good for you, even if it was expensive). As I was looking at the suppliments I saw a jar containing Icelandic kelp. This reminded me that it was kelp and not algae that had appeared in my journey.
   On a whim I decided to see if there was any of the other plants available (I was pretty certain Snapdragon was not available). Instead I found that all three were available, even Snapdragon in an essence form. A friend of mine who works at the store was helpful enough to print off what all three plants were for and it turns out that it corresponds exactly with several of the issues that I have been working on. As a result I have been drinking down the plant essences and it has really helped. Tensions that I have been working on for a long while are disappearing almost overnight and the domination of my mind wanting a stranglehold over what I am doing is slowly loosening.
   I do feel like the character in the card, especially when I often have a cup of whichever essence I am now taking inspired by the journeywork.

7 of Wands. Standing your ground.

  The 7 of Wands is all about standing your ground and fighting on against the odds. This card has been very relevant for me and it's timing is perfect in arriving as I have been dealing with this very issue.
    The figure in the card holds staff across his body, ready to defend both himself and the piece of ground he is fighting to maintain. Below him are six staves, which appear to be threatening or menacing him. The landscape beneath him also looks like a miniature landscape, as though the figure himself is a giant.
   Standing my ground is something I have preferred to avoid, certainly when it has been against overwhelming odds or the threat of violence and harm is present. I have preferred to surrender the ground and move to a better vantage point, rather than hold one particular spot. While mobility is a great thing as many times dropping back will allow you to re-assess and find a better avenue, there are times when you must hold your ground.
   This concept emerged strongly during the Shamanic workshop I undertook this past weekend. My first journey into the state of altered awareness revolved around the concept of standing my ground. I found myself reliving several memories in which I had surrendered my position in order to keep the peace, even though I knew I was in the right. As a result I lost a piece of myself in these situations and made it easier to give it away in the future.
     In the journey I was taken back to an event in my teenage years in which a friend overstepped his bounds and I ended up having to forcefully eject him from my parent's house. His social position in my group of friends however meant that unless a compromise was reached I would remain on the fringes of my own social group. They had remained stoic and unwilling to step down on either side of the disagreement (for fear of taking sides), even though I was clearly in the right. It became a situation in which I felt I had to surrender my higher ground in order to reach a compromise and remain in good graces with my social group. This laid the road for further situations in which surrendering my moral high ground became the norm, especially if I was in the minority. In the journey I was able to find all the pieces that I had surrendered and re-attach them. In doing so it laid the groundwork for me realising something about the whole process. In the journey a guide appeared to me and informed me that "ground is never lost, it is only given".
       With this profound piece of information I was able to look upon the situation under an entirely different light. In all the situations that arose during my journey, it was I who chose to let go of my ground. I was not defeated, I simply surrendered that ground when I felt the stakes had become too high. The bar of which I measured the stakes progressively became lower and lower as the instances occurred, so as to the point in which surrendering my ground under the most trivial of difficulties became the typical response.
     In the card, the figure maintains a higher ground. He defends against threats from below himself and to compromise his position would lead to defeat and a loss of power and self. He fights not from a position of ego (as in the 5 of Swords) but from a spiritual understanding of right and wrong. He may be outnumbered and beleaguered, but his position is in alignment and he can and will triumph. He would not only be surrendering ground, but he would also be surrendering right.
     The idea of right and wrong can be a thorny one and many people will argue that there is no "right " or "wrong". This ideology can leave you in a very dangerous position, unable to defend or fight for what is right or to recognise when one is wrong. It is true that life is more than a simple black and white, that there are many different hues and tones. But we live in a relativistic world and so both extremes must necessarily exist in order to create a spectrum, otherwise it results in a simplistic world of grays. There are times when people will commit actions that are "wrong" and this can clearly be felt on an internal level. Mental justification for these wrongs in order to maintain a simplistic world view or to preserve one's own ego is wrong and must be avoided at all costs.  It whittles away one's integrity and ability to stand against injustice and evil.
      A minor detail on this card is that he wears differing footwear. On one foot, he wears a boot, on the other a shoe. This is representative of his unusual standpoint, of his unorthodox methods or ideologies. Often times this is what can spur these types of situation, defending an unorthodox perspective from the lesser ideologies that threaten it.
     The figure will vanquish his detractors, he holds the high ground and therefore the universe stands behind him regardless of the odds he faces.
     

Getting out of the way of yourself.

  Too often we are in our own way. Many times we are too much in our own heads and can't let go of the control our egos like to exhibit. I learned something valuable today and it surprisingly came from my own mouth. It began with advice about doing a tarot reading, but has expanded into something greater.
   When one goes for, or gives a tarot reading posing the question is one of the oft most overlooked piece of the encounter. Yet the question is the crux of the answer and we forget that at our own peril.
   I was talking with a colleague today about setting up the question for a reading. How the question is phrased is of the utmost importance. I liken it to programming a computer...any mistake is because of human error. People have a tendency to limit their options for an answer to a simple yes/no or and either/or, but the answer may need to be much more far reaching. Limited views, preconceived notions of what is possible or leading questions can all lead the question astray before you even begin. Spirit will do its best to get the to heart of the matter, but a badly worded question can provide a significant block to interpreting what the cards are saying.
    Badly worded questions are limited and closed, not allowing spirit to answer in its fullness. Asking an either or question limits you to two possibilities, when there may be a third you are not even aware of. Yes or no questions can be just as bad.
      This is not limited to reading tarot cards, but any interaction with spirit that is limited by our vocabulary. Words have a structure of their own, often with narrow meanings compared to the energy that motivates the question. They can be wonderful tools if crafted well, but often they fall far short.
     I sat down this evening to pose a question to my own deck. The question broadly was to be, how to return the magic to my life. Don't get me wrong, I like my life currently, but it is not magical and it has been before. I set out several decks and took a moment to prepare myself before doing the reading.
   As I prepared, I focused inwards and relaxed allowing the question to coalesce into being. Sometimes as I do this the answers come before I have drawn the cards. In this instance I realised that I should pose my question as a prayer rather than a reading. What started to form was "How can I best bring magic back into my life" , which changed to "Help me bring magic back into my life". As I focused on this prayer one thing immediately stood out....me.
     I was asking spirit to help me bring back the magic, rather than getting out of the way and asking them to do it. I realised it might not be within my finite ability to bring this effect into being. Even with spirit's help, I might not be able to pull off what I was asking for. It is like asking for spirit to give me the strength to get over an obstacle, rather than having spirit remove the obstacle or provide a way to bypass it. My own limitations as a finite being stand in the way of every request in which I ask for help for me to do something.
    I do not need to be the one that overcomes the obstacle, that is what my ego would like, but not really what I want. There are instances where it is relevant to me to do something with spirit's help, but this is not one of them.
    There is a fine line here that I tread with this, between what I believe is possible for myself and what is possible for spirit to achieve above, beyond and for me. It reminds me of exercise we did in the Celtic workshop in which we do a healing, but the guides do all the work and we watch. For me it was difficult to step aside and let spirit work through me even though the end result might be more effective. There is a part of me that wants to be responsible for the healing directly. It wants the gratification, it wants to believe that it is the source of the healing. But it isn't. It is spirit. It has worked through me, but how much better might it work if the me got out of the way?
   Instead of asking spirit to help me, I asked for spirit to return the magic to my life. It involves a faith and a trust and not so much meddling on my behalf. I get to witness the magic occur through the act of faith and in the end, what is the difference? It feels more like commanding than pleading and that can only be a positive step. Spirit doesn't have a problem saying no.
 
   
     
     

XX - Judgement

  The Judgement card is one that is easy to mistake the meaning of. It's the title and the heavily christian allegorical symbolism that can throw one off. If you are looking at Judgement in terms of the judiciary meaning then take a look at the Justice card, it is not about crime and punishment.
   What is immediately obvious to anyone with more than a passing relationship to the Book of Revelations is that the symbolism...the angel blowing the trumpet, the dead arising and a possible tidal wave in the background, is striking.
    Rather than meaning an actual end of the world "Judgement Day", it is about our own personal reckoning.
    The card is speaking of soul fragments that have either "died" or become trapped being raised from their confinement. In the journey of the Fool, when he encounters this particular situation it is when he must face the parts of himself that have become lost, trapped or relegated to the past. The clarion call of the angel resurrects the parts of himself that have been left behind so they can be re-united in wholeness.
    The idea of facing parts of our past we want to have buried can be somewhat disturbing. We may have buried them for a reason...or so we feel. They may be associated with terrible times, traumatic events or feelings of deep shame or denial. They may even be happy parts that we no longer feel we have a right to, or that belong to another time, or are so polluted with attachments to bad memories we don't want to look.
     Drawing this card has meant for me a long hard look at the choices and difficulties in my own life. I have worked heavily on this area, but I could feel something birthing through the process. It forced me to consider my relationship with Zoe in a honest and straight forward light. We have a great relationship, but there are elements that could be improved upon. Elements we both need to be happy with ourselves and with each other.
      Many years ago Zoe lost a very important person to her. She felt a great connection to him, so when he passed away suddenly it left a hole in her life. They were both in their teens and so it was very unexpected and shocking. It didn't help that Zoe was going through several already difficult experiences in her family life at the time, or that there were elements that made her feel indirectly responsible for his passing. For her the joy and excitement of teenage feelings were stripped away in a horrifying manner leaving a void and a powerlessness in their wake. So, for her those happy feelings are tainted with the circumstances in which they were lost and resurrecting them can seem like a disturbing consideration. Talking about the situation alone is enough to bring tears to her eyes.
     In the struggle for wholeness, we cannot leave any parts of ourselves behind. For in truth, there is a part of us forever living that trauma and that deeply affects the quality of our lives and the relationships we form with others. A certain level of bravery is required to face our fallen pieces, to see our choices, our mistakes, where we fell and where we were hurt. We all like to believe we are infallible and seeing our loss reminds us of our humanity. But those pieces deserve to enjoy freedom, to be able to step out of their confinement, because they are us and if we do not care for us...who will?
       The angel on the card is often described as being Gabriel and I feel this is appropriate. When I first worked with someone to retrieve a piece of their childhood that had been torn away by abuse, it was the image of Gabriel who wrapped his wings around the injured child and carried them from the site.
      The flag that flies from his trumpet is reminiscent of the English flag, the symbol of Saint George. Saint George was a knight who was famed for rescuing an imprisoned damsel from a dragon. While we may in our modern minds chuckle at what seems an outdated act of chivalry, there is a greater truth to the story we must consider. We must all become the knight who rescues those imprisoned pieces from the dragons of past. This world needs more than ever people who are unafraid to face their inner demons and claim their souls back. It is this call to action that Gabriel is sounding with his trumpet.
       In the Book of Revelations there is talk of seven seals and seven angels with their trumpets. These I feel are analogous with the chakras and the call to open these seals, to raise the dead from their restless slumber is to bring about a new age of wholeness after our own personal reckoning. We need more than ever to forgive ourselves for failing, for being hurt and to reject our imprisonment. The mountains are behind us and to be whole we must make peace with all our pasts.

6 of Cups. Nostalgia and reminiscence

    Nostalgia is a powerful bittersweet emotion. It can be wonderful and terrible at the same time, bring aches to your heart and tears to your eyes.
    The 6 of Cups is all about that emotion, even in spite of its somewhat confusing imagery. The brightly coloured card shows a figure passing a cup  filled with flowers to a younger girl...possibly a child. It takes place in a secure walled town, complete with a guard protecting the meadow where they meet.
    I have spent many of my hours of my life lost in nostalgia, recalling the emotions of past times. Mostly I spend it recalling how I felt, emotions that feel out of reach except in bittersweet memories. People say that these emotions are a trap, that they hold you in the past, grasping for things that will never be again. There is an element of truth in their words, but there is also a reason we feel so drawn to these types of thoughts.
   There was one element in this card that I could not figure out at first. All of the cards are very well drawn, depicting with skill the elements they talk of. So as an artist there was one thing that stood out to me as I looked at this card. Barring the somewhat ambiguous depiction of a child, there seems to be a strong artistic flaw in this picture.  Looking to the left of the card we see steps and a pathway on which a guard with a spear is walking. The pathway is sloping upwards and the lines of perspective point in that direction too, yet the crenelations on the square tower point downwards towards the horizon line. This creates a discontinuity in the image. It is easy to think this may well be an artistic mistake that was overlooked, but if we are to remain in keeping with the idea that all elements have been included for a purpose then it may speak of more beneath the surface of this card.
       There are two options I can think of. The first is that the skewed perspective is a commentary on the warped perspectives we often show when we look back on the past, certainly on childhood experiences. The second is that the perspective is not incorrect and it is showing a bridge that is arcing up before suddenly dipping down. This would mean there was a river or some other obstacle we could not see that needed to be surmounted.
    There may be an element of truth in both of these statements. As a shaman I understand that memories of the past, regardless of how painful can be keys to certain lost emotions. There are some wounds that do not heal with time and our memories serve to bring us back to these psychical scars time and time again as if probing a missing tooth.
    I had a simple dream a few nights back that I have been puzzling over that I believe is somewhat related, at least for me. In the dream I had just emerged from a deep cave system, which has treacherous pathways and narrow ledges. I came upon a town in which I encountered a new car which apparently I had just bought. It was a deep red sporty looking vehicle, somewhat like a Mustang but with a slightly different design. I got into the vehicle and pulled out a map to find my way back home. The map showed a mountain range (somewhat like Colorado) with lots of names upon it. I was trying to find either where I had come up, or Flagstaff so I could return home with my new car. The dream was frustrating in that I could not find either on the map and I didn't want to start driving a new car not knowing where I was or where I was going.
    Looking back on the dream I can understand my feelings, having felt like I have just emerged from a very difficult period and found a new way of moving through the world. The problem is in how to bring that home to myself. I look on the map trying to find places I knew, yet not finding them. It is like I can't bring that piece home yet as I don't know the route. I search for a recognizable route but find none.
    Often nostalgia is like this. We can find a piece of ourselves trapped somewhere, but there is no point of reference on how to bring it back. So we go again and again to this place to taste the fruit that we have become disconnected from.
   Maybe that is the bridge unseen in the card. A link between that sweet memory and the security of our own being. It crosses an unknown obstacle and the route drops out of sight.
   The nostalgia in me points to a time when I did feel that great sense of adventure which the sporty car represents. Yet that time is gone and I am yet to understand how to bring it back to my home. I could live it once more by adopting the same attitudes as I had before and embarking on carefree endeavors. I could live in that disconnected dream world, but I have done that many times before. I know eventually the fuel would run low and I would need to rest my head, but I would be in unknown territory and far from home. So I chose not to adopt the mindset of the old...yet there is something there still to be integrated.
    In the card we see the larger figure gifting the smaller figure, a possible representation of our own inner child. So the card suggests that nostalgia does offer a gift if we can accept it and find a way to bring it back across the bridge. The way is safe, but unknown and that in itself can be a terrifying prospect.
    What I understand is that we have to find these lost fragments of ourselves, the parts of us that have been lost to time, or to hurt and find a way to bring them back to ourselves as we stand now. Otherwise we will never feel complete. It is a process of unearthing, like pulling an artifact from the ground and following the wire as it pulls out from the grip of our memories. By doing so we can see why it got stuck or buried, what was lain atop it or caused it to be disregarded. We must walk that mysterious bridge half glimpsed for ourselves for only then will we become whole. It can be a painful and beautiful journey as we step back into ourselves, but we must not lose hope that these pieces are gone forever. They are us, they are our soul and we must not abandon them.
    Many times we even feel that they are the property of others, that another made us feel that way. But by doing so we lose our power, it is our life and our feelings, they were just a trigger and it is within us to find it again.
    For me music is often that bridge to the feeling. The music can transport you back to a painful or difficult moment and allow you to relive it once more. By doing so it allows us to re-integrate that part back into our current awareness. I have been recently listening to the Pixies (Where is my mind? and Monkey gone to heaven) and a few other songs that remind me of feelings I had felt were lost to me and learning how to make them my own once more. Stripping them of their negative associations and taking only the good back.
     

Knight of Wands. Fiery crusader.

   The Knight of Wands is a spiritual crusader. His energy is vibrant and passionate and suffers no lack of zeal.
   This card has appeared with great timing for me and there are synchronicities abound within the symbolism. Over the weekend I attended  an advanced Celtic healing workshop. Within the class we journeyed several times both for ourselves and for other people within the group. Journeying is going into the inner realms to achieve a certain goal, in this case it was centred around recovering pieces of ourselves or others that had become lost or trapped. These pieces can be anywhere, sometimes they are within the middle world, the world we know but displaced in time or space. The soul pieces are parts of our psyche that fragmented due to trauma or events in our lives and become stuck at that point, unable to progress or stay with us. As shaman it is our jobs to go and seek these pieces out and bring them back. They are often emotional fragments which bring memories of ways of feeling back to us we have thought lost to us.
      There were too many journeys to relate here, but there was a journey in which I was brought back a staff of fire (which related to my ability to be brutally honest and be a more active warrior in my own life). Several took place in Egyptian style settings (either in the past or fantastical realms) which also fits with the card's background.
     Two journeys however were very pertinent to the topic of this card. The first was a journey I undertook for another. In the journey I found myself travelling to the Hopi reservation and confronting a person who had taken a piece of my partner. He didn't seem apologetic and tried to laugh it off as him just finding it, but didn't stop me retrieving the piece. When I returned to wakefulness I discussed this with my partner, she was struck by my physical description of the man and his mannerisms. She had indeed met this individual and had been through recent difficulties for which she had been forced to leave abruptly to avoid making the situation for herself worse. He had been involved in black magic and mistreatment and abuse of those who worked under him. After the journey we were both a little shaky from the experience as though it had been a physical interaction.
     I was thankful for the ability to stand up for another's rights and deal with the situation in a way I was proud of. I was able to be the spiritual crusader in this instance, even if I was informed that dealing further with this individual was not my job.
     The journey she did for me brought up several elements which have taken a while for my psyche to filter and deal with. In the journey I offered someone my heart in a town square, after which I was dismissed and rejected. My heart had turned to sand and run through my fingers. When she described it to me, it was initially difficult to understand the situation as there were several events it could pertain to, although none of them really took place that close to a town square. I put it aside to examine a little later at my leisure.
    Today after some introspection I sat down to look at my card and to understand how it fit into the scheme of things. The card itself shows a figure clad in armour astride a rearing horse. He holds his staff aloft as if it were a lance. The figure faces to the left of the card, which suggests he rides into adversity (against the usual flow). The yellow tabard he wears is covered with salamanders which are symbols of transformation and fire (see the King of Wands for a further discussion of these creatures). His armour has several flame like plumes adorning it, which are indicative of his fiery nature.
   As I regarded this character I realised that it related to the journeys I had been involved in over the weekend. Usually when you pull a court card it is a suggestion that it might be wise to embody some of the traits of the card if it doesn't directly pertain to another individual. In this case it was the former. It was advocating becoming a spiritual champion.  As I thought further about this I realised that I need to become my own champion as well as one for others.
    Many spiritual schools of thought advocate against vengeance, violence or acts of retribution. Yet this card seems to suggest that very notion. He rides forth with his club raised and he is prepared to do battle with adversity rather than passively accepting it. Common ways of thinking stand very much against the idea of the crusade or the Holy war or battle. It is often seen as an oxymoron. Yet when one looks at the pictures and hears the descriptions of angels we often find them depicted as carrying flaming swords. How can we as humans say that it is unspiritual to carry a weapon when the Arch-angels themselves do? The soft sanitised versions of angels we are bombarded with these days are corrupted interpretations of a divine force. Without them there is no divine justice, no karmic retribution and no peace. We must use the tools we have, but use them only in the application of right. The young knight in the picture runs the risk of being too zealous in his approach, but his motivations are pure and so will stop him from creating any real trouble.
    In my own journey for my partner I encountered a being clad in armour wielding a spear and a shield. She informed me that having a shield alone is not enough, that one must have an active defence against those that would seek to do harm.
    Looking then at my own fragmented soul I saw that what had been lost would not return unless it could be be promised safety and recompense for its own loss. Looking deeply at my wounded elements I began to see what they were and from where they came.
      The Town square is a place where people come together from all places and for me that place is best represented by the hostel. I worked there for many years and it was the site of my greatest sadness. A friend of mine whom I had loved dearly had spurned my friendship and turned her back on me. I realised that I had lost more than just a friend, it had also spelled the end of my belief in a benevolent universe. How could someone I cared for so deeply and offered no harm turn upon me so viciously. I lost a piece of myself that day. From that day on my universe had been plunged into a darkness so filled with ennui and hopelessness that I found it difficult to find reason to go on.
     Over the years I see glimpses what was lost occasionally. It manifests as a feeling of profound happiness that disappears as abruptly as a breeze. It is a weight that keeps me tied to the earth, stops my heart from lifting in song and ensures that ennui is never far from my door. My basic nature is one of optimism, even in spite of this weight and I have no doubt I will one day find a way to lift my spirits back to that point. I understand my mistake in trusting a person who would abuse my trust in such a fashion, yet that still doesn't help.
     This card though gave me an idea. I need to find that piece myself and make sure it is protected once more. I took it upon myself to give myself that piece of justice, to rescue those pieces back. I have no way of getting that back in the real world, no telephone number to call, no address or no email. So in journeying to find those elements is the only way it will happen. I journeyed back and was able to find the pieces, to take them back. Now comes the task of re-integrating them back into myself so I can feel them once again. For this there is no manual and I must trust to my own inner sense on how to do so. I do have the spiritual warrior to protect me from further harm and that in itself is a valuable lesson.
 
 
   

Celtic roots and atheism

  Just a few weeks ago I took part in a Shamanic workshop based on Celtic and Pagan beliefs. I have wanted to talk about this since I was involved but I have needed a few weeks to let things settle.
   My previous understanding of Celtic and Pagan beliefs was based on what scraps are currently available in the media such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer...not the best reference I know... and my interactions with the tradition while I had lived in Scotland and Wales for a few years.
   Being brought up in the North East of England I was not really exposed to any of these beliefs. The predominant belief system in the majority of England is that of atheism (discounting areas near Glastonbury and more progressive areas dotted sparsely around the country). There was a common consensus that being an atheist is somehow more intelligent and is the only choice for a forward thinking individual, even if many of the people who hold and espouse these ideas have only gotten there by the virtue of them being the predominant way of thinking. I found that honest belief was extremely rare and I am hard pressed to think of individuals who didn't believe either in oblivion, atheism or were holding the belief that we cannot know anything beyond our basic senses (agnostics). This was despite a fervent and dogmatic belief in scientific doctrine...which was usually held with an incomplete understanding of scientific thought, the basis for these beliefs being here-say and peer pressure from opinionated know-it-alls.
    I have never really understood the reason for the depth and strength of this spiritual void that exists in England and previously the only possible answer had been the strength and prevalence of the Church and a strong and resilient resistance to the doctrines they bring. That there is great resistance to the blinkered and often dogmatic opinions of the church comes as no surprise and England has had a chequered past with the Church abusing its power. I was brought up in an irreligious environment as were all my peers (to my understanding) which is often very different to the upbringing many Americans have had. Even though I went to a church school and attended Sunday school (admittedly I just liked drawing pictures of lions eating Christians) I found that even the so-called "religious" folks had a world weary outlook and were simply trying to stem the tide of rampant atheism destroying their foundations.
    When I tried to discuss the more spiritual leanings I was finding in myself through meditation and the eastern thought I had been exposed to in my readings, I found that most people had a kind of knee jerk reaction. They seemed pinned between atheism and Christianity and could not step out from behind this dualism, that if someone rejected one, it simply meant accepting the other. It reminded me of a guy I met when I first came out to the US. He had been raised as a Christian in one of the more fundamental sects, one that didn't allow drinking, wearing shorts or other obviously heathen practices. He had rejected all of that and had fled his home and all he knew in order to find his own way, but like a butterfly whose wings are most vulnerable when its escapes its chrysalis like imprisonment he was in danger. Because his indoctrination was so strong he felt that there was only two choices and so had adopted Satanism through his rebelliousness. I recall sitting and talking with him and seeing the world as only consisting of two sides..even in spite of the great evidence that there were more than two simple routes. The practices of Satanism he was espousing seemed morally and socially dubious to me and I knew that this kind-hearted individual would not last long in that world. Unfortunately this meant that after finding Satanism was not to his liking he, felt that Christianity offered his only sanctuary. Sadly, he went back to his past re-adopting all its beliefs.
     In the US it seems that being an atheist or an agnostic is a kind of quirky belief that is just as fringe as any other myriad of beliefs out there. For me it is a relief to be out from that suffocating dualism and the scornful mocking and insufferable superiority that always accompanies it. None-the-less I have always been curious as to its true roots as the church alone doesn't seem powerful enough to evoke the strength of response you find in most individuals.
    Being British in a Celtic workshop in the US presupposes an affinity to Celtic lore and way of life... after all I have Celtic roots somewhere back in history and I was raised close to the land it talks of. Seeing things in this way gave me a fresh perspective. While I was living in Scotland and Wales, there are much closer ties to pre-Christian ways of thinking. Pagan festivals are a common occurrence even if you don't attend them there is an awareness of them occurring. While in Edinburgh there were several celebrations that involved leaping over fires and people painting themselves in very vivid colours and costume during the various pagan holidays. I started to wonder what had happened to our roots in the North of England. We are sadly so far cut off from any connection to our true Celtic roots that Morris dancing is our only link.
    Part of the workshop involved bringing a drum or a rattle to help with journey work and I had to make one myself as my funds have been extremely low. I have a book on Celtic knot-work, which I had always felt an affinity for and looking through the book for designs to add to the rattle I found several patterns that are attributed to North Yorkshire. Long before the Saxons, the Vikings and the Romans came and pillaged and destroyed our homes in the North we must have had our own beliefs and connections to the land.
    While in Scotland and Wales one of the sad elements I had to encounter was the hatred the Scottish and the Welsh have towards the English. I always felt a little removed because of my Italian ties, but I could definitely sense a hostility and several times in Wales I had had to avoid gangs of thugs who would have been quite happy to put an end to me or my friends. One birthday event even ended in a trip to the hospital for a friend of mine as we went to celebrate and encountered a select group of Welshmen who didn't like his face.
      I have understood that the English have had great deal to answer for in the treatment of our outlying brothers, but I had never really considered that the true English have suffered a much worse fate. We have become alienated from our roots and lost our Celtic heritage. No wonder there is such great resistance for any group that has attempted to land, conquer and tell us how to think. Even to the point where we became the bully we so greatly feared to many other cultures and countries. Our spirituality was lost to us all those long centuries ago, taken forcibly as we were made to believe in the Gods and beliefs of another. We have become so caught up in resisting, that our own connection to the land and our old ways has fallen to ash.
     Seeing the Celtic festival here in Flagstaff has always made me consider what has been lost in England. That Americans are able to celebrate their Celtic roots more readily than those who live on the land that once held that magic. We have become so bitter and alienated without a heritage to call our own we hide it behind false pride and a mocking deprecation of our own culture and that of others.
    By connecting with my Celtic heritage I have found a strength that has always been lacking, one that has been buried so deep as to be lost. It allows me to understand the loss the Native Americans feel, or any other culture who's way of life has been threatened and torn away from them. All I can do is offer my heartfelt apologies for the races, cultures or peoples that my ancestors have damaged and hope that maybe they can show us the way back to our own roots in the Earth.

Ace of Wands. Creative flowering.

   The Aces represent primal elemental energies. In this case it is fire. This is the first wand I have drawn so far and is one of the most potent wands.
   The Wands represent creative energy in its purest form. When an Ace arrives it heralds the dawning of something new and in this case it is usually a creative endeavor.
   The wand itself is very phallic in nature and looking at the symbolism of the card it is very difficult to ignore that. The vitality of the wand is so great that even though it is no longer attached to a tree, it is still sprouting leaves.
    This card is one of awakening and there is something that I read while researching about this card which seemed relevant.

And the day came

when the energy it took to remain tight in the bud

was more painful than the risk

it took to blossom.

 
        The card is one of awakening from limitation in a fiery column, bursting bonds with a strength that can only be understood by the way in which a tiny plant can push its way through solid concrete, cracking it open as it grows.
      In the card a glowing divine hand proffers the wand as it emerges from a cloud. That signifies a divine gift that has been offered directly from the universe itself. In the background of the card one can see a lush backdrop, verdant and green with a river running through it. Atop a hill stands a white castle, similar to the symbol of the lost Camelot. The white symbolising purity and the castle itself as being an end point and representational of prosperity, spiritual treasures and fulfillment.
      Powerful emergence is one way to describe this card, explosive flowering is another. Avoiding the sexual connotations of this card is almost impossible, as sexual energy is understood to be at the root of creativity and spirituality. It is not the staid passionless religion this card speaks of, but the vibrant, vital and the very much alive passion found in living creative essence.
     Similar to the Magician's wand, the wand in this card is a conduit for heavenly creativity. When one receives this card it shows that very soon there is going to be a creative rebirth occurring, a breaking free of the bud, so the flower can bloom in all its glory. There maybe a feeling of tension present which shows the need for the expansive release.
       There is a tendency to look for immediate correspondences in ones life when one draws a card. But in my experience the Aces tend to represent energy that is about to emerge into our lives breaking old patterns with their vitality.
    In my own life, things have been snowballing with my own progress of awakening. The kundalini energy is awakening and before it my old life is falling away, even if it is a scary process for me to behold in some areas of my life. But, in others I can only look with growing joy as the staid way of living is falling to pieces. At times it can be a little much, as over the previous weekend I woke up seeing migraine auras, with a headache and my eyes looking (According to Zoe) as though I had been given black eyes even though I had slept for over 11 hours. I have been taking a physical beating as this energy awakens. On Sunday I woke to a dream of someone getting their legs mangled and by the evening after a game of soccer I could barely walk.
    Another instance of this has been the increasing number of synchronicities that have been occurring in my life and even in the lives of others around me. Today, Zoe, M and I went down to Sedona to enjoy a day out in nature. M drove us to Red Rock Crossing and walked along the side of the creek...this of course is another synchronicity as you can see a river running through the lush green of the card.
     The entire area was buzzing with nature and animals. We saw spiders, lizards, bright green grasshoppers, damsel flies, ants and best of all for me a hawk. As we returned to our vehicle I saw a hawk land in a tree not 20 feet from us in the car park. It is unusual to see such a bird of prey in the sky, but for it to land next to us in a car park was a very unusual experience. It even allowed us to walk up and take several photographs of it as it flew down to eat a worm not 10 foot away from us. The hawk has always been my own particular spirit animal, often appearing during meditations or on shamanic journeys. So for it to appear so close to us and pose for pictures was a profound moment for me.
    The test for me in this is not to panic and to fall into old ways of thinking which have only held me back as the energy creates new opportunities for me in my life. The Ace of Wands asks us to grasp these new opportunities as they are presented.

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Ennui and the Green Man

    I had another dream last night and I wanted to get the words down before they disappeared back into the ether. The dream was one in which I found myself wandering the streets of New York. I have never been there outside of playing Grand Theft Auto in a city based on it (This actually helped me navigate in the dream!).
   In the dream I had the day to spend in the city before returned back to my hostel/hotel. I think I was a tourist there as I was alone and didn't know anyone. The streets were busy and I wandered with no sense of purpose, just spending time.
   I have spent several years travelling so being in a new strange city on my own is not something particularly usual to me. So I was ready to just pass the dream off as irrelevant.
   Since the last few night's dreams have had greater relevance when examined more thoroughly, I felt I should do the same for this one.
    I started with the tone and feeling of the dream which I had at first discounted as usual. When I started to examine how I felt in the dream, I began to realise something. What I had felt in the dream was a great sense of ennui..now this word is not one I particularly use often, but it fits perfectly. It means disinterest through boredom. But it also speaks of a more existential feeling. It is pronounced ON-WE and is French in origin, and as as is known, the French are masters of existential thought and feeling. I felt that the world was uncaring, unsympathetic and indifferent to my loneliness and separation. Anyone who has ever spent time alone in a city when they know no-one has probably encountered this (if not watch Lost in Translation).
      That I would regard this terrible feeling as normal allowed me to look once more at the feelings it evoked and its roots. I think this is a follow on dream from the dinosaur dreams in my last blog posting and it speaks to my feelings at a slightly older age, when the immediate threat to survival had disappeared, or at least had evolved to a philosophy that included it in my burgeoning world view.
     I must have been around seven years old, when I first recall strong feelings of ennui. Which I am guessing isn't something that is usual in a seven year old outside of independent French films. My parents worked very hard in a cafe below where we lived and I recall spending large amounts of time watching the rain falling from the upper stories of our house. They were too busy to devote time to looking after us and there was a great number of babysitters, many of whom would watch TV while they "looked after us". It seemed like the rain would fall endlessly and the hours would drag past, until they would emerge exhausted from below. It is not that my family was restrictive or that they didn't care. We just lived in the centre of town on a busy road, so I couldn't play outside, even if there were any kids to play with. We had a rather smelly backyard, which was slimy and had mint growing up through the broken cobblestones and looked rather like some dreary set from a Dickensian story about urchins.
   Looking more at this I was struck by another memory from some years ago when I was ill with flu. I spent the day in bed with a hot water bottle and the day outside was dreary and raining. I had positioned the hot water bottle under my shoulders and fallen asleep. When I awoke, I found that my shoulders had really relaxed, but it also brought with it a terrible emotion, one of crushing despair and loneliness. It was too much to deal with at the time, so I regrettably had to suppress it. I think that it is likely still there and I think this may well be connected.
    I realise that if this philosophy of an uncaring and unsympathetic world still has purchase on my psyche, then it will likely prevent me from recognizing anything that might disrupt it.  The way in which energy works in conjunction with belief systems is that it lets in data that corresponds with its own ideology and rejects data that might disrupt its homeostasis. It even goes so far as to set itself up to encounter situations that re-enforce its ideology. This means one does not often run into situations that would threaten the status-quo of your belief system. Typical examples I have noticed are; skeptics invariably end up visiting fraudulent psychics,  abusees ending up with abusers, thieves robbing the financially paranoid etc etc. All because the situations continue to re-enforce the dynamic and we are subconsciously always steered towards the path of least resistance. Most of the time it is easier to be robbed, than to change your opinion about robbery ...as absurd as this initially sounds.
    What I am coming to the conclusion is that my own perceptions about the universe were initially loaded from very early on by circumstantial situations. Had my family been extremely wealthy and been able to holiday regularly and spend more time with each other, chances are that my perspective on the benevolence of the universe might have turned out a little different. Of course this may have brought up its own issues.
    This alerts me to the fact that my preconceptions of the universe are likely incorrect and I must learn to de-programme this childish perspective in order for it to more closer resemble the true model. Otherwise I will continuously be drawn towards systems that attempt to validate the way I understood the universe to have run.
    I have certainly witnessed the benevolence of the universe to others, so this makes the job a great deal easier.
    Another chord was struck when I recalled watching an episode of Battlestar Galactica late last night. In the episode Gaius Baltar is preaching about feeling that God loved him and that we are all perfect. Now, although I certainly feel a divine presence pretty much all the time nowadays, I would hardly say that I feel a stream of love coming forth. It is more like an impassive spectator to my daily triumphs and follies. It is happy to offer helpful advice and guidance, but I have never noticed any emotional connection or bond. There is more of an inscrutable Chinese martial arts mentor vibe going on than loving guru.
     This causes me to question if this is not my own doing, that is some way my own perspective is screwing up such a subtle and fine vibration. Crying out for mercy would have little effect if my own belief system denies the possibility of it ever actually occurring. I may even receive it yet have it filtered out in order to maintain the status-quo. I have tried before with little apparent success and I don't like spending much time at my own pity parties.
    This led me to take a look at it from a more energetic perspective on where such a problem may actually be occurring. The natural choice is the heart chakra, certainly given the incident with the hot water bottle. Now for those not familiar with the heart chakra, its colour is green (Each chakra has a corresponding colour which resonates). I had always wondered why green? I know it would mess up the entire spectrum thing, but I thought maybe pink would be better for the heart. Green always seemed such a silly colour. I remember getting angry with my mother for buying me a green shirt and specifically asking that if she was going to get me clothes for Christmas, that they better not be green. I also recall my father saying that his favourite colour was green... this again made me feel irrationally angry...who in their right mind would pick green as their favourite colour?
    Suddenly I recalled when I meditated, often green was the first colour I would see. I would often be a little disappointed that it wouldn't be a more "spiritual" colour...like violet..or purple. I don't think I have ever owned a stitch of green clothing and don't talk to me about St. Patrick's day...Never mind my allergy to anything green in nature.
    It all started to make sense.. I have been holding off this type of energy. I have rejected all things green. Unsurprisingly, I stayed indoors with my hay fever during summers and walks in the woods were not really something I would consider enjoyable. Going to the local new age store this morning, I intended to pick up a green stone and I ended up also getting a small Green Man pendant.
    The Green man is an entity that is connected to life, vibrancy, the forest, foliage and the British isles. He is commonly known as Jack in Green and is known to Pagan and Wiccan beliefs. Given my obvious connection the British Isles I felt a kinship to this being that I had never been able to find in the Goddess worship that is so commonly accepted as being related to the Earth. Whenever I tried to connect the "Goddess" I never really felt anything and that she wasn't really all that interested, but in conjunction with the Green Man, it all makes a lot more sense to me. Neo-Pagan beliefs often have these two as beings who are wed and have a cyclical relationship similar to that of Persephone and Hades.
     It also makes sense with some of the other dreams I have had connected with my lineage on the masculine side. For some reason I always looked to the Italian side of my heritage to find my masculinity, given that I have learned a great deal from my mother about femininity. It was always my Grandfather who taught me the most about being a man and he was English. It has brought a renewed sense of connection for me and I plan to look into the Celtic side of shamanism. I am thankful all this can be gleaned from a simple dream about wandering alone in a city...
 
     Also the image at the top of page is a design that can be purchased at the following address: http://www.celestialachelois.net/

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