When the whole world is a bully

   The last couple of nights I have had a running series of dreams that all seem to have a common thread. It all started after I had a massage therapist work on the deeper areas of tension in my legs. It seems that the iliotibial band (or IT Band) in my legs is as taut as a bowstring.
   As anyone familiar with bodywork knows the body stores emotions and memories in the musculature, fascia and even the organs. Working on the body can bring unresolved or stored content to the surface. This occurs with the energy body too.
    As to what to do with these unresolved feelings there is no specific answer that holds true universally. Sometimes the feelings simply have to be felt and let go of. But in other situations they can point to patterns of thinking and acting that are so ingrained that letting go without examination and resolution it is like pulling up a weed without getting the roots.
   This is simply going to be a posting to vent my feelings and hopefully come to a resolution which I will be able to impart. I consulted the tarot to help me with this and The Hermit showed me that the answer is to be found within. So I am going within and you are welcome to follow, provided you don't mind me getting into some old crap!
    The first set of dreams occurred on the night immediately following the massage which occurred late at night. I had been wanting to get some clearance on the feelings of powerlessness and frustration that accompanied both the stretching of my legs and my general financial situation. They might seem unconnected, but energetically they are linked and my dreams seem to clarify that. I had actually been looking for answers on the next card I am working on, so when my unconscious delivered up these dreams I understood that this was what I was going to be working on regardless of my other plans!
    The first three dreams I had were all connected thematically. In the first I was excavating some old relics at an archaeological dig site. I was tracking down some talons or teeth from a dinosaur which were buried somewhere in the area. After some digging and searching I discovered that they were located in a small stream bed and were encased in a small block of ice. The dig site is symbolic of the massage digging into old strata and layers of my psyche, the dinosaur teeth are linked to my childhood dreams of dinosaurs (check out Dinosaur dreams for more details) and the ice is about frozen emotions. That they were under an active stream suggests they are buried under a healthy flow of emotions. The teeth in this instance represent power and aggression (baring teeth is a show of power and aggression). Just as I was about to retrieve them a young child of about 5 or 6..possibly older snatched them from the water. He refused to give them back and acted in a generally smug and childish "I found it first" manner. I didn't know how to react or feel in the dream and felt trumped by this impertinent youngster.
     The second dream was similar, in this though the child tried to snatch something from me as I was sat on a train or bus. I grabbed his wrist and took back what was mine, but his mother was horrified and told me that I couldn't do that to a child, which caused me to feel guilty.
    The third brought up a memory of an person I have not thought of in years. His name was Barnaby and he was part of a clique at school. The clique of guys he was part of were pleasant outwardly, but you could tell they sneered and derided everyone who wasn't like them. I didn't know how to deal with them as the the thin veneer of pleasantry didn't adequately cover the corruption within. In this dream he helped me get a new computer, but when I set it up, it was flooded with spam and malware. I knew he was responsible for this, but there was no way I could prove it.
    In writing these dreams down I can clearly see the common thread. It is in dealing with someone who on the surface appears pleasant, but underneath is actually not a good person. I am unsure on how to be around people that are false. The greater my ability to perceive these charlatans of good nature the more I feel insecure in how I should react. Often such people possess a pleasing facade and either an emptiness or dark rot within.
    I grew up feeling that one should be civil and polite to all people, to act as a gentleman to even the most reprehensible and vile people. In some ways this an extension of giving the benefit of the doubt. The links to my childhood are undeniable and there are several instances in my past that cause me to look back with horror and disgust on things that happened in which paralysis was my only response.
      In the dream the night afterwards things got worse. In this dream both Zoe and I were sat in a restaurant having a light meal. I thought I saw a relative sat at another table (possibly my grandfather) though the view was obscured somewhat because of angle and obstructions. I waved them over and it turned out that it was my father. He introduced himself to Zoe, then hugged her in what was an inappropriate fashion which was more like groping. She was clearly uncomfortable and so I pulled him away then punched him in the jaw. The blow was glancing and held little power, but he retreated and looked somewhat shaken. We exchanged some brief words and he left. Again I wasn't sure if I had over-reacted as violence is not a common form of response for me and I have been taught it is never an appropriate reaction.
    Striking one's father is also seen as a large no-no. The final form of the dream though is very telling for me. The antagonist is finally revealed as my father (how typically Freudian!) and it speaks heavily of my relationship with him. My father is not a vile man, nor is he wantonly bad, yet he shares many traits with the antagonists in the previous dreams. He takes joy in malicious jokes and childish power games, yet on the surface he is a popular and charismatic individual. People will forgive a great deal of a charismatic man (or woman). In the dream I took no joy in striking my father, but looking back I feel it was necessary.
   The dreams connect to that childhood anxiety of how to deal with such an individual who is cruel in nature, but hides it behind a mask of civility. I am no longer a child and therefore am not limited to being powerless around such individuals or situations. But I am still finding a level of appropriate response without being left bereft or over-reacting. It as though a part of me is still a child in this, learning how to respond to the great bullying world that puts on a mask of civility.
     This issue strikes a deep cord in me for all those times that I have let those childish power games or malicious jokes go unanswered. I feel it connect to a level of anger. In my own psyche there is either paralysis or over-reaction, my instincts take hold and there is only fight or flight. As a child I could only respond with incomprehension when my father acted in such a fashion, washing between the shores of paralysis or the urge to fight. Of course, as a child one cannot strike your parents and even the thought induces guilty feelings. It creates a feeling of powerlessness against so great a force. I could no more strike out against my parents than I could fly to the moon.
    The dynamic this has created within me has set me up to view the universe through the same lens. When life or circumstance seems like a malicious joke, I am paralysed or feel rage at the circumstances binding me. Of course, lashing out at my new "parents" within my own spirituality holds just as much a taboo as striking out at my real family. It is said that you look upon the Gods as you look upon your parents, using the same filters and the same perceptions. So what does this mean for me? That when life plays a malicious trick, or is cruel, I simply accept it as the will of untouchable deities. That the rage and frustration I feel cannot be expressed or I will suffer greater indignities. It has created a fear of authorities within me, that I cannot speak up or out against their injustices or feel the wrath and punishment that breaking that taboo will bring even if their actions are unjust.
     I guess it is all in being able to handle these situation as an adult and not letting my rage carry or paralyze me. Growing up with this as a child made me feel powerless whenever something unfair or bad happened, I found ways to rationalise it within my self as to why it happened to me and for what purpose. I have let these situations occur in my own life and not stood up against them and answered them. I even doubt there is any way I could offend the universe, it doesn't have human sensibilities and would surely understand my human frustrations. I am sure God has heard it all before and it is quite likely my anger would be the amongst the least colourful things he hears each day. It also seems like if anyone is equipped to deal with anger and frustration and not react badly it should be God.
     It seems like being able to fully give my anger over to God is what I can learn from this, that I don't need to store it as a poison, nor cast it out into the world at people who are suffering just as much in life, or even more so if they are a bad person. If I can release that pain and suffering out into the universe, then it can be transformed. Releasing it into people or situations will only magnify whatever it is that I am suffering through.
   It is late..I have a lot to let go of and maybe once my cup is empty of this poison it can be filled with something better...

Dealing with Psychic Vampires Part 2

 In the last posting I discussed my first experience with a psychic vampire. You can find it here.

   After that encounter I didn't run into anything similar for a long while. Recently however I have run into another situation and I was unprepared for it the first time I encountered her. Before I get into the situation I would like to discuss psychic self defense a little as this played a continuing role. 

   Psychic Defense is creating a shield of energy around yourself to ward off unwanted intrusions or attacks on a psychic level. By imagining yourself shielded in a bubble of light or other configuration, it provides an element of protection. This is a very simplistic description and I will write in greater detail shortly on this subject. It may sound like a fantastical concept, but it does help significantly in repelling unwanted energies.

    The shielding I had been using had been relatively unsophisticated. I found that simply pouring out a level of healing was enough to discourage people who don't want to grow and attract and help those that do. This didn't cause harm to anyone and provided help to those in need. Unfortunately I hadn't considered how this might attract vampiric types who look to feed on subtler levels of energy.
   Like the previous vampire I discovered that this one whom I will call L also took to hooking in at the heart level. I got to see her doing it both to myself and to a close colleague, by closing in then simply going for a reassuring back rub. When it happened I immediately felt it happen, but was too preoccupied in a separate conversation to do anything about it. Once I had extricated myself from the situation and gone home I took the time to clear my field and take a look at what she had put in. It was as though she had hooked into my heart centre and the "hook" would supply her with a small amount of my energy every time I opened my heart. I was able to clear it out with incense and meditation (although I found using a chunk of Pyrite removed it almost instantaneously). She had also placed similar hooks in some of my personal items, which also had to be cleared out.
   This instance taught me that my shielding was particularly useless against this type of intrusion. Like most shields, some experimentation is best to figure out how one can adapt it to different circumstances. I fully did not expect to encounter L again, but I did think it was due time to change my protection up.
   During a workshop I was doing later in the week we ended up doing a meditation for shielding and I found that my ideas on how to modify it came together. I had toyed with the idea of having a thorny shell on the exterior, but I decided that this would not be good for people I wanted to be close to. In the end during the meditation, my shield altered to still incorporate the previous healing sphere along with thorns that would emerge if my energy system was under threat.
   It turned out that I did run into L a few weeks later under different circumstances and I felt my defenses go up. She refused to make eye contact or engage with me, even though I was prepared to have some stern words if she got into my space again. While I wasn't affected in this instance, another person had been and I ended up removing similar hooks from her and several items.
   What was surprising to me was that many people were unable or unwilling to see this side of L. Another clairvoyant friend of mine confirmed what I had perceived and later that even I got some serious confirmation from L herself (even if she didn't fully recognise it herself). It was as though people either did not expect such a thing to happen or exist and they let it fly under their radar, or that they did not want to seem judgmental.
   The confirmation came later in the evening as a group of us sat together to discuss some of the more unusual events in our life. We moved onto the topic of other worldly beings, or supernatural encounters and L stepped forward. She claimed that one evening she had stepped out of her house to be confronted by a bright humanoid light (somewhat like an angel as she described it) that shot an electrical bolt into her heart where it burned a mark onto her skin. She explained it as feeling like she was being tazered. After this event her eyes turned the colour of blood for a week and she has not slept since. Several people commenting on how it must have been a "healing" event...which I guess in the very broadest sense it was. Although I think if I was blasted by a bolt of light from an angelic being which burned a mark onto my skin, I would be seriously considering my life up until that point.
    Still, I guess I am still far from the point of suggesting to her that she might be a vampire and so I can't really point any fingers. What I can do though is continue to shield myself and watch out for those close to me to make sure they aren't being drained by this or any other psychic energy sucker!
    As for further speculation on what to do when confronted with this type of person I do have several suggestions. If possible shield yourself by calming yourself and imagining a white ball of light around yourself and loved ones. Stay away from such individuals and try not to let them touch you or get into your personal space. They may also attempt to draw you in with their stories or illnesses and remaining neutral is your best bet. At a pinch, folding your arms over your heart and solar plexus will provide a natural barrier to the areas they tend to hook in ( although this doesn't protect your back). Eventually they will cease to bother you if there is no way for them to feed on you.
    From my small experience they seem to be drawn to more passive giving sorts, usually those with large hearts who are unlikely to confront them. If possible they will seek out more refined energies rather than baser energies. Their energy fields are usually so compromised that they need to draw energy constantly to maintain their own well-being and are often unhealthy themselves unless they can draw large quantities.
  Looking at the mythology of vampirism there seems to be several interesting parallels, some of which I discussed in the last segment. Garlic is useful for cleaning the blood, which I doubt would have any real effect on a psychic vampire. Running water also has proven to be a useful barrier on a few occasions against incorporeal beings (not sure why)..but that is another story...and not much help in this case (they would just find a bridge). Obviously plunging a stake into a person's heart is to be avoided, there are lots of legal ramifications and it would be a terrible way to find it doesn't work.
    In the case of night attacks, it is possible to shrug these attacks off (having done it myself once (another story)) but it requires some level of mastery of your energy body (your physical one is usually paralysed). If you feel you might come under this kind of attack, use the shielding exercises I outlined above. Or if you find yourself victim to one and have the presence of mind, you can call upon Jesus, God, angels or any other goodly being whom you feel an affinity to (the spirit of science or mathematics will not work...trust me).

   

  

Dealing with Psychic Vampires Part 1

  Vampires are a common mainstay of myth and fantasy and they are also occupy centre stage in many of today's  entertainment mediums.
   They have gone through a bizarre process of being regarded somewhat as misunderstood anti-heroes in the mainstream media. Twilight is a good example. Meeting a walking corpse with a penchant for murder, blood drinking and hanging around minors many decades his junior would actually be repulsive to most decent human beings (regardless of his glittering). They have gone from being undead terrors of the night to sultry seducers. The same holds true for werewolves..but I don't want to get into that right now.
   Regardless of this cultural switch-around one still assumes that they are creatures of myth and fantasy. While I have certainly never encountered a real life blood sucker, and have no ambitions to change that should they exist. There is a kind of vampire that does exist... Psychic Vampires.
    Most of us at some point have encountered someone who drains your energy by their mere presence. These individuals tap into your life energy to fuel themselves because of their inability to do so themselves. They are often terrible martyrs and play the victim role to draw as much from you as possible. Often they attach to your energy field with cords or simply by getting into your personal space to draw it off. Most of these types do so unconsciously and to some degree we are all guilty of doing this at certain points. Cutting the cords to these types is relatively simple and requires no great skill. Simply avoiding them or stopping them hooking in, in the first place is recommended and I will soon post some simple exercises to help with this.
   There are however vampires that have been around for a while and this ability is a conscious choice to a lesser or greater degree. These intentional vampires are the ones to really watch out for. They are extremely rare and I have only ever encountered a handful of them, but they do exist. At this point the lines between fantasy and reality tend to blur somewhat. They are often skilled psychics and capable of manifesting some unusual phenomenon in their quest to draw life force. Most of the time they exist on the periphery of human society and the majority of mankind will never meet them, nor even if they encounter them have any idea that they did.
    My first experience with a psychic vampire of any power was many years ago. At the time I was working at a hostel and so I often ended up encountering an often unseen side of life. Working at the hostel I would meet up to 40 or 50 new people every day and of course sometimes those people would be oddballs. For the most part it was simply meeting and greeting backpackers and it was exciting and stimulating work. Everyone would have a story and many times it would be inspiring, about how they had left it all behind to travel the world or some such adventure. The vampire, although I had no idea she was such at first glance was also a traveller. I shall call her X to avoid using any real names. She arrived with a group of other women and was very social, she was bright, positive and a skilled clairvoyant. She was a little older than the regular backpacking crowd but not enough to mark her out as odd in that respect and the group she was travelling with was of a similar age.
    We got along very well initially as I had an interest in the unusual and her experiences as a psychic intrigued me. We talked about various experiences both of us has encountered and she talked about the manifestion of her psychic abilities slightly later in her life. They had come on strong and she was fully capable of seeing into different realms with some skill and encountering all manner of unusual beings. It was all very new to me and fascinating to imagine that those elements were part of our reality even if they existed beyond my current ability to perceive. She offered to help me open up my clairvoyant abilities in exchange for healing work and I gladly accepted. We spent a lot of time talking and being in each others company and I never felt drained around her, although she did ask for regular healing energy. The first clue came during one of my initial treatments with her although I was too inexperienced to correctly interpret it. I noticed as soon as the healing began that it seemed as though she was already full of energy, as though she was energised almost immediately. It felt as though the rest of the treatment was somewhat redundant and towards the middle of the treatment I perceived a vision of what appeared to be blood spiralling into her energy field. Like water going down a drain. My clairvoyant skills were still in their infancy and presumed that it was probably a menstrual issue and didn't wish to bring it up.
    She was planning to leave with her friends soon to see some more sights when one of her friends came to speak to me. She was in tears and an emotional wreck. She said that X had accused her draining her and that she no longer wished to travel with her. After I calmed her somewhat, she asked me if she was a drain on people. She was obviously distraught and X's behaviour struck me as unusual as she was usually very tactful and considerate of others feelings. I told her that I hadn't experienced that in her presence but it might be wise to take some time away from her to recharge her own batteries. Looking back I can see that this lady may have engaged in some unconscious draining of X and it seems that a psychic vampire would be extremely sensitive to any energy loss in her system.
     At this point X left for a while to continue her travels and I saw nothing more of her for another 6 months. She decided that she wished to some back and visit the area again. I was happy to hear that she was returning and that she would get to meet my girlfriend at the time. She stayed with us this time and I immediately noticed some tension between her and my girlfriend, so I was happy when she moved out to stay in the hostel. At this point I really started to notice some odd behaviour from her. She ended up sleeping with a guy who worked at the hostel who was 20 years her junior and the match seemed really unusual. She also started hanging around a female traveller who eventually complained that she felt awful around her and that she didn't want to even be close to her. I also witnessed several times her getting into people's personal space and placing her hands on their backs over their hearts. She also tried this with me and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable, enough to want to avoid her. I also started to hear similar stories from people around us that she was making a lot of people uncomfortable. I decided that I no longer really wanted to spend any time with her and it was pretty easy given that I spent a lot of it with my girlfriend anyways. This is when things got really weird...
      It happened late one night. I was awakened from a dream by intense shooting pains in my left arm, as though energy was shooting from my shoulder to my wrist. In the dream I had been leading a cavalry charge of angels on horseback through the heavens and I had been carrying a blazing sword in my left hand ( I am right handed usually). As I awoke groggily from sleep I saw what appeared to be a laughing visage floating in the air close to my bed with X's features. I was immediately shocked to hear my girlfriend chocking in the bed  nearby (we had bunks at the time in the hostel).
    She was in the midst of an intense dream and looked as though she was pinned to the bed. She woke as though in a deep sleep and when I threw the covers back she had scratches all down her legs. It is not beyond the realm of possibility she did this beforehand, but she would have had to have drawn her legs up to her chest or sat up to inflict the scratches I saw. The scratches faded quickly and soon there was only unblemished skin. She said that she was being choked by some sort of being that was sat over her chest and that she hadn't been able to breathe and had been trying to call out to me, but had been paralysed. I flicked the light on, things always seem better when the light is on!  Looking at our clock it was 2am. We then heard a  noise that sounded as though rats were running across the floor of our room, which was very creepy...even with the light on. Much later on when this was all done, while I was watching the Exorcist I heard a similar sound in the scene in which the mother is exploring the attic and she hears a noise.
    I prayed for guidance on what to do and received the information that we should just stay in the room and wait for an hour with the light on. That after 3am if would be safe to go back to sleep. I was happy to do this and felt time spent in the light was a good thing. Unfortunately my girlfriend needed the bathroom, which was at the end of the hall and couldn't wait the time till 3. She wanted me to come with her and stand outside the bathroom stall. I had no choice really so I agreed, even though it is the thing you shouldn't do in a horror film situation.
    We got to the bathroom without incident, then my girlfriend said she needed a pair of scissors (to this day I don't remember why). I knew that didn't have one in our room and the closest set was at the reception area in the front of the hostel. She was scared and I wanted this to be over as quickly as possible so I ventured down the stairs to the reception area. It was shortly after 2am and all the lights in the building were off on the lower floor. The switch for the lights was by the front door far from reach and so of course, not within easy reach. Sat on the couch in the darkness were two figures. It was hard to make out their features although they looked native, dark skinned and heavy set. They were not speaking or making any sound and I could not tell whether they were male or female. I had the presence of mind not to freeze..it was where I worked for starters and felt I was on home ground. I got the scissors from the rack behind the desk and felt that I couldn't just leave them sat there. We often had drunks try to camp out in the hostel and because I worked there I felt a level of responsibility. I intuitively felt I should challenge them, but no more than that. So I asked them if they were staying here. One of the figures called out "Here you go darling" and waved a key in the darkness. It was impossible to tell if the voice was male or female and I got out of there and upstairs quickly.
    After that things were good, although we did stay up till 3am before sleeping. The next morning I checked the registry and could not find anyone staying that matched their description. I had checked in most of the people myself and none of the other guests had names that were native. Nobody on the staff could recall seeing such individuals and so their presence remains a mystery. The key box had been locked in the safe.
    X left shortly after that and I lost contact with her. My guidance informed me that she was a vampire and a friend with more experienced also agreed on it. Looking back over the situation I could see several trends that were interesting. First off she was highly psychic, but unable to recharge herself energetically except through either "feeding" off others or at first being "healed" by an energetic healer. During a healing she was able to siphon off a great deal of energy very quickly showing her system was highly developed for moving large amounts of energy quickly. I didn't feel drained because when healing I tap into a greater, unlimited source which would mean I was simply a channel for that energy. She was able to astrally travel to feed and this took the guise of sleep paralysis for the victim who perceived this as similar to an encounter with a succubus/incubus or night hag. Mythologically vampires were able to call upon rats, bats and minions to serve them. The crawling scratching phenomenon sounded similar to a horde of rats although I didn't witness any visual phenomenon and it could be challenged as being that old chestnut of the building settling etc. The figures in the lobby reminded me of certain beings described in Carlos Castenada's series of books who needed to be challenged and would fit in with being minions.
    It could be accounted for by unusual dreams, house settling noises, sleep paralysis, hallucinations and bad paperwork if one was inclined to explain away the phenomenon, but this seems just as unusual a set of occurrences to occur in one evening. Given that I have encountered these phenomenon on a number of occasions suggests a deeper level of reality showing itself. I will explore the process further in my next post, where I hope to describe more recent situations and how to protect oneself properly.

If one is interested in deeper study of modern vampirism then you should take a look at this book:



Carlos Casteneda's series of books in also a great way to get a feel for altered states of awareness:


 
 

8 of Cups. Card of leave taking

   The 8 of Cups is a gloomy looking card, it has a dark background and a sad faced moon overseeing the figure as he departs leaving his cups behind.
    I have found as I pursue this blog that the energy of the cards has began to seep into my life and so drawing a gloomy looking card is not always my favourite thing as I wonder what it is that I am going to leave behind.
    Whatever is in the cups, it is enough for the figure to have grabbed his walking cane, his cloak and leave without even a glance over his shoulder. The somber blue of the sky and the strange moon face give an aura of sadness that hang over the card. The face of the moon itself seems to be confined within a circle of its own and I can only imagine that it is representing the dark side of the moon, even if it remains bright. This unusual symbolism suggests what would seem to be dark and sad, might actually not be all that bad.
    The last few mornings I have woken with a kind of sadness over me, a resignation. My business has taken off a little more, but for some reason the lull I am experiencing at the beginning of this new month in my work has affected me. Saying I was mooning over this slackening in business would not be far wrong. By drawing this card it forced me to consider my line of work and what it means for me. The creeping sense of dissatisfaction and boredom is at the fringes of my awareness and coming close on the heels of the last card (ironically, the 7 of Cups) it has allowed me to sink into the boggy ground of a certain ennui. The obvious thought is that I am dis-satisfied with my level of income and how it has restricted me and Zoe in our life and that of course that is what I wish to leave behind. On a certain level that is true, I would like nothing more than to be able to leave that chapter behind.
    In the card the traveller, for that is what he is regardless of what he may have been before he left, is prepared to leave it all behind. The eight cups, precariously balanced upon one another give no indication of what they carry. The upper layer of cups has an unusual gap, in which the traveller stands. It is if a small break in the situation has given him the impetus to step away from it all and set out on a journey. The destination of the journey is not as important as what he has been left behind.
   When I first left the UK and my call centre job for a bank I had the opportunity to work with a rocket scientist. What he was doing at the bank in a call centre I do not know, other than maybe to keep himself occupied after the military. I had told him of my plan to leave the bank and to go travelling on a journey, but I was unsure where to go. He told me that with getting a rocket to leave the atmosphere of the earth, it was not so important as to where it was going, but in generating enough force for it to push away from the ground so it could break free.
     The mountains that make up the background of the card are jagged and large and although the traveller appears to have a paved road ahead, his journey is not likely to be an easy one. It is the leave taking that is going to be difficult. The moon and the tides of the waters are holding him back. Gravity and inertia are his enemies and the small break is enough for him to set his intention and to push away.  The red of his cloak shows his vigour and passion to make a break for good and his green trousers show that his heart is also in this endeavor.
     As I considered my feelings this morning in bed, one thing occurred to me. It is not the situation that is frustrating me and bringing me down, although that doesn't help. It is the feelings themselves that I wish to leave behind. I will doubtless encounter further lulls in my business and even in my life. I cannot seriously expect that everyday will greet me with the promise of exciting work or wonderful opportunities. If everytime I find a lapse or a lull in the flow of things I engage with these feelings, then I will find they play a larger role in my life than I would like. The feelings of disappointment, of boredom or inertia are the feelings I really wish to leave behind. Outside of those worries it is a beautiful day and there are plenty of opportunities to enjoy my life or to choose to engage in positive activities.
     This card challenges us to face upto those parts of our lives that have dragged us down, those emotions that we would rather project onto external situations and to leave them behind. It is about leaving negative behaviours, patterns, emotions or even relationships behind us and to push onto greener pastures, regardless of how hard it is to break out of their gravitational pull.

7 of Wands. Standing your ground.

  The 7 of Wands is all about standing your ground and fighting on against the odds. This card has been very relevant for me and it's timing is perfect in arriving as I have been dealing with this very issue.
    The figure in the card holds staff across his body, ready to defend both himself and the piece of ground he is fighting to maintain. Below him are six staves, which appear to be threatening or menacing him. The landscape beneath him also looks like a miniature landscape, as though the figure himself is a giant.
   Standing my ground is something I have preferred to avoid, certainly when it has been against overwhelming odds or the threat of violence and harm is present. I have preferred to surrender the ground and move to a better vantage point, rather than hold one particular spot. While mobility is a great thing as many times dropping back will allow you to re-assess and find a better avenue, there are times when you must hold your ground.
   This concept emerged strongly during the Shamanic workshop I undertook this past weekend. My first journey into the state of altered awareness revolved around the concept of standing my ground. I found myself reliving several memories in which I had surrendered my position in order to keep the peace, even though I knew I was in the right. As a result I lost a piece of myself in these situations and made it easier to give it away in the future.
     In the journey I was taken back to an event in my teenage years in which a friend overstepped his bounds and I ended up having to forcefully eject him from my parent's house. His social position in my group of friends however meant that unless a compromise was reached I would remain on the fringes of my own social group. They had remained stoic and unwilling to step down on either side of the disagreement (for fear of taking sides), even though I was clearly in the right. It became a situation in which I felt I had to surrender my higher ground in order to reach a compromise and remain in good graces with my social group. This laid the road for further situations in which surrendering my moral high ground became the norm, especially if I was in the minority. In the journey I was able to find all the pieces that I had surrendered and re-attach them. In doing so it laid the groundwork for me realising something about the whole process. In the journey a guide appeared to me and informed me that "ground is never lost, it is only given".
       With this profound piece of information I was able to look upon the situation under an entirely different light. In all the situations that arose during my journey, it was I who chose to let go of my ground. I was not defeated, I simply surrendered that ground when I felt the stakes had become too high. The bar of which I measured the stakes progressively became lower and lower as the instances occurred, so as to the point in which surrendering my ground under the most trivial of difficulties became the typical response.
     In the card, the figure maintains a higher ground. He defends against threats from below himself and to compromise his position would lead to defeat and a loss of power and self. He fights not from a position of ego (as in the 5 of Swords) but from a spiritual understanding of right and wrong. He may be outnumbered and beleaguered, but his position is in alignment and he can and will triumph. He would not only be surrendering ground, but he would also be surrendering right.
     The idea of right and wrong can be a thorny one and many people will argue that there is no "right " or "wrong". This ideology can leave you in a very dangerous position, unable to defend or fight for what is right or to recognise when one is wrong. It is true that life is more than a simple black and white, that there are many different hues and tones. But we live in a relativistic world and so both extremes must necessarily exist in order to create a spectrum, otherwise it results in a simplistic world of grays. There are times when people will commit actions that are "wrong" and this can clearly be felt on an internal level. Mental justification for these wrongs in order to maintain a simplistic world view or to preserve one's own ego is wrong and must be avoided at all costs.  It whittles away one's integrity and ability to stand against injustice and evil.
      A minor detail on this card is that he wears differing footwear. On one foot, he wears a boot, on the other a shoe. This is representative of his unusual standpoint, of his unorthodox methods or ideologies. Often times this is what can spur these types of situation, defending an unorthodox perspective from the lesser ideologies that threaten it.
     The figure will vanquish his detractors, he holds the high ground and therefore the universe stands behind him regardless of the odds he faces.
     

Forgiveness and releasing grudges

  Last night I had a dream. In the dream I found myself in a village and in the village centre I saw all the townsfolk at war with each other. At first I wondered why they would be fighting and then I saw the cause. Above them hovered a gigantic spectral skull and I knew that they fought because of this apparition.  I knew that if I could vanquish this spectre then the people would be free and would no longer turn upon their neighbours. So I gave chase to the skull and used a bow and arrows that had appeared in my hands to try and destroy it. Each time I was about to deliver the final blow it would round a corner and I would not be able to line up a shot. At this point I awoke from sleep the skull still at large.
    Now you may wonder what this has to do with forgiveness and grudges, but stay with me and it will become apparent.
    Many years ago I my trust in a dear friend was betrayed. This single event has been a catalyst for me in coming to terms with many great and difficult issues for me. From this I have learned to get in touch with my anger and to understand what it is to stand up for one's own integrity. Her subsequent disappearance forced me to deal with this on an internal level since it could not play itself out in the world. Forgiveness has been out of reach for me and an earlier acceptance would have meant an avoidance of those very aspects which had caused the situation in the first place.
   Yet I find that I do not have a complete sense of peace in my heart. I doubt that the person in question will ever come forward and apologise. So is my sense of peace dependent on the fickleness of another? Forgiveness has always come easy to me until now and I had never known it was so easy because my sense of self worth and integrity had allowed my feelings to be walked upon without raising an objection. How much more difficult it becomes once one has stood for their own worth.
    One of the most difficult pieces of the puzzle is how to let go without going backwards, without offering acceptance for behaviour I know is un-acceptable. Yet without a form of acceptance there is no peace. How does one go forward in love without losing self worth and integrity or lining oneself up for repeat situations?
  In the dream the people war with one another because of this spectre of the past. I let it escape because of my own fears of what will occur once it no longer exists.
   I know that I don't wish to wait till judgement day to find my peace once more..it is too long a wait. It surely cannot rest upon the acquiescence of another even if one hopes for that. I read on forgiveness yesterday and was struck my several accounts of forgiveness. One was a priest who was beaten daily for his faith and he had advised that one must forgive entirely, that not one shred must be left. Another stated that you must forgive so entirely that the other must be allowed to save face and you cannot hold anything against them, not in word, action, attitude or posture. Visualising this for me caused me a great deal of difficulty, how so much I want the other to understand the damage done. Yet while I do this they still posses an element of power over me.
   It seems that forgiveness is the only way to fully release that, to return to my power in love. Yet one must also hold to one's course, to one's boundaries or all is lost and the lesson is lost. This situation also holds true for other situations in which grudges are held. Holding out for an acknowledgement from one who is unrepentant, unaware or unwilling is a fool's errand. This process is a delicate one and requires that each step along the road must be taken in fullness and not bypassed because one understands where the final step lays. Going through the anger, the pain and all the scars is necessary to grow as fully as possible. Any little left uncleansed remains with us and arriving at forgiveness prematurely is just as dangerous as never arriving at all.
   I have been arriving at that place in myself in which I can feel love for those that have wronged me, yet be able to see, free of judgement that they are damaged and not feel the need to push that upon them. Each person is necessarily at a different point and for some no less than exclusion is necessary to maintain my boundaries comfortably. Others I could allow back into my life if they wished it so, with loving conditions. There is a teasing apart of all that comprises each relationship and understanding where the boundaries need to lay and it is a process that has to rely only on my own inner authority.
   

XV - The Devil

   This is often viewed as one of the most terrible cards in the deck, certainly by anyone with a superstitious or hellfire religiosity. In truth it may simply be that this is one of the more misunderstood cards in the tarot. Does is portend horrible damnation and hell-fire? No, but it does speak to those things that most devoutly minded folks fear, namely drink, drugs, anger, sex, addiction and all the perils of the material world. So, you may ask how does a card that portrays all those things possibly have a positive side?
      Well, a goodly portion of many pagan belief systems incorporate a being that exemplifies and honours those particular traits. Looking at these deities you could easily mistake them for the Christian Devil. I am looking at you Bacchus, Dionysus and Pan. These deities incorporate wild celebration, intoxication and abandon in their portfolios. This was for a very good reason and the reason that modern religions have become stiflingly staid. It was so that these elements could be safely incorporated into life without needing them to explode societally the way that any suppressed material does if not fully accepted. The celebration done in their name could seriously reduce the dangerous pressures that build up within people otherwise. It is the reason that celebration has such a strong dark side in our culture, it's moral non-acceptance.
       The card itself does also have meaning beyond this cultural understanding. It does speak to the dangers of the material world and its seductive power to entrap individuals. The figures in the card are chained to the block the winged creature sits atop, but their shackles are not so tight as to be binding. They could easily escape from their confinement if they chose, simply by slipping off the bindings. But, the pleasures and sensations of the material world often cause people to bind themselves willingly to them in the form of addictions and excesses.
       It may also be noticed that the card is spookily similar to the lovers card and the card's number 15 can be reduced numerologically to 6 (1+5) which is the number of that particular card. This refers to the danger of becoming trapped within unhealthy relationships.
     The card also has connections with Capricorn, as evidenced with the goat like legs of the devilish being. Capricorn is an earth sign and has a strong relationship with materiality. The Devil is also holding a torch which he has held in a downward position, which symbolises illuminating the lower regions of the psyche. His other hand is raised in a gesture which looks like Spock's Vulcan greeting, which in fact is a derivative of a Jewish blessing resembling the hebrew letter "shin" meaning "almighty God". This creates a strange dichotomy in the card in that on one hand he is plunging the light into the lower realms and with the other he has his hand raised as a symbol to God. This can be interpreted thus, he is in fact representing the light-bringer (Lucifer) whom God consigned to the lower realms and is challenging the querent to illuminate their own lower psyche with consciousness (could the Devil actually be a servitor of God you may dare to ask!)
     Above the head of the Devil one can see a five pointed star turned opposite to its usual aspect. When it is aligned like this it means the triumph of matter over the spiritual and is often seen as a symbol of evil. Below the Devil are two naked figures similar to the man and women in The Lovers card, they have horns upon their heads and tails sprouting grapes and fire. They have fallen to their animal nature and have become entrapped by their own inflamed desires and lust for pleasure. They warn of the dangers of indulging too deeply of sensory pleasure.
    The meaning of the card is to understand that we have an lustful, violent, addictive and angry aspect that can enslave us if we either ignore it or indulge in it too deeply. The enlightened individual is able to draw upon this reservoir of power in order to overcome earthly obstacles and to give us passion and drive to do so. They are not beholden, nor chained and can let go once it has surpassed its necessity. It can give us that connection to the earth and the tenacity and capability to ascend to high places, much like Capricorn the goat.
    This card also heavily relates to the base or root chakra and its liberation from reliance on materialism. That is how I have connected to this card. The base chakra is about survival, matter and the sensory world. It is the doorway to the cellular level of our energy system, at which our body is able to directly regulate its health and regeneration.
    I was drawn to this card after I made a break through regarding opening my base chakra. It has proven troublesome over recent years and has resulted in a level of poverty and fear on a material level. As a result my hips have tensed up and have refused to relax making exercise and stretching in particular very difficult. It has been a very long and arduous process and I understand when I begun this that it was related to this card. This insight came to me as I lived in the UK and I began to understand working through the issues contained in this chakra were not going to be an easy or quick fix. To say that what happened recently was the final catalyst for change would take away from the years of inner work that preceded it. I had to get over my dislike of materialism and the patterns that told me that money, career and focusing on daily living were only for the spiritually bereft. I had to move across the world and relocate in the US before I could happily root myself in a place I felt was right for me. I had to face deep fears of abandonment (along with actually being abandoned by my closest friend) and the resulting anger and hatred that this caused. I have been to the depths of the pit, on all levels...physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
     It has given me a great deal in return though. I have my motivation returned, I can connect to my artwork once more and can pursue my dreams. But of late another aspect has begun to finally open up. The physical aspect.
     Last year I made a resolution to be able to return flexibility to my legs and hips, to be able to stretch deeply and to remove the chronic tension. I started the year off with a yoga intensive, but quickly found that although there was some improvement, it was only incremental and would quickly return to its normal soon after I finished exercising. It was as though there was a tightly coiled spring in my hip joints that wouldn't allow any level of flexibility and pushing them only caused pain and tearing. I turned my attention to the deeper causes, the tension and it's mental connections. I understood that as long as the psychological patterns that caused my hips to tense continued to exist any exercise was basically wasted. This I know flies in the face of many people's perceptions of how exercise and particularly yoga works. But halfway through the year I found success when after a particularly deep meditation and some serious contemplation I was able to free up the area around my sacral bone in just one evening. Afterwards I was able to sit cross-legged comfortably for the first time in years. After that I was able to open up my shoulders by working on issues connected with anger and feeling like I was unable to strike out.
      In the past few days I have been able to do the same with the front of my pelvis, allowing me to be able to stretch my legs deeply to either side. This occurred when I meditated and was able to perceive on a cellular level the "feeling" of contraction in my hips and reverse it by connecting to my subconscious and requesting its reversal. It was also psychologically connected to the freedom of my artwork and its previous "tightness".
      This for me represents a massive shift in terms of my comprehension of matter. I no longer feel chained and have the tools to remove the remained of the bindings that have occurred physically over the years. It has also allowed a new level of expertise in my healing work that I feel is yet to be fully understood by myself.
      The Devil card represents such feelings of being bound and trapped by an external force much greater than ourselves. We can struggle for years against the chains of anger, violence and addiction. We can feel hopeless and helpless. We can feel trapped in darkness and unable to free ourselves because we cannot see our bindings. Yet the chance for freedom lies within the grasp of our own consciousness if we can only find the chains that bind us and lift them from us.
      The Devil thrusts the torch downwards to illuminate the figures so they might see their bindings for themselves. He has enticed us and seduced us, yet he offers us the power to remove those bindings if we are only to look. It is us that stay trapped in those cycles, he cares not if we escape and even seeks to aid us if we dare ask our captor..."What binds me?"
   
 

2 of Pentacles. Uncertainty and imbalance.

  The 2 of Pentacles stands at the beginning of the suit and after the strong Ace, promising new beginnings we are already suffering uncertainty. The two pentacles represent material goods, work, money and even health.
    The figure is standing on one leg and trying to balance the two coins, while wearing an absurdly tall hat. Not to mention the roiling sea behind him.
   Everything about this card shouts that things are unsettled and are trying desperately to find some level of equilibrium. The figure himself looks disinterestedly off into the middle distance as though this unsettling situation is an everyday occurrence. I find myself sympathizing with him as his situation accurately depicts my own at the moment.
    His garb is simple reds and yellows, which depict this uncertainty as occurring both on a physical and mental level. Binding the pentacles together  is a green band shaped into a lemniscate. This green loop is the symbol for infinity, but in this instance it only seems to underline the fact that uncertainty and change are constant and eternal. Unusually his shoes are also this bright green, which seems to suggest that balance is found in aligning with the heart and grounding that energy.
     The figure is somewhat reminiscent of a court jester with his bright clothing and tall hat. The hat seems to further accentuate the rolling and tilting feel of the card. Hats are usually representative of the mental attitudes we possess and he is using that element in the card to make sure he doesn't overbalance. You may also notice the line across the floor near the edge of the sea, this makes the figure look as though he is on stage and the backdrop may merely be a painted image.
     Regardless of the figure's juggling , he does seem to have reached a level of equilibrium within his unorthodox posture. He reminds me of a circus clown who while appearing to be on the verge of constantly falling somehow manages to maintain his equilibrium and not spill whatever he is carrying.
     The ships in the background are riding the comically curving waves and their journey if those waves are to be believed would certainty be bumpy.
     This card is how I feel at the moment in my financial situation. I am juggling several different possibilities for work, while trying to maintain a firm base and I feel like a clown trying to keep a tall stack of plates from falling. Like a cosmic jape that is no longer funny I have passed into the realm of not caring about the performance any longer and it is only a matter of time before the plates come crashing down if no real and enduring equilibrium is found.
     Another interesting aspect for me within the card is the aspect of balance as related to physical health. I have been attempting to stretch out my hamstrings and inner knees and finding that when I walk the tightness causes me to walk on the outer edge of my feet. Balancing because of this is more difficult as I tend to sway to either side as I balance on one leg! I noticed some tension in this area as I relaxed in bed last night pondering the day I had been through.
        I had run a game of Llumination for the staff at the healing centre. Now Llumination is a tarot based game that I am trained to facilitate. It is kind of like a group tarot reading, but with input from all the other people partaking. It can bring up some interesting topics and can be a lot of fun and very involving for all playing. As I ran the game, we came close to the last round of questions. One of the participants had asked a question about when something would be coming to an end for her, something she has been looking to have closed for over a decade. The game gave the answer that there would be resolution within one month.
       Now, for me I find giving such definitive answers is a risky business. I have felt burned too many times by things not coming to pass quite as I had hoped, of leaping and not finding a net beneath me. So much so that my tired old knees protest every-time I have to have faith in something working out as the universe has dictated. Looking back at the situation while I lay in bed I could feel my knees tensing up, even just thinking about having faith in such a definitive answer.
        There was a time in which my faith was much stronger with regards to financial matters and such a leap would not have bothered me and lo..a net would appear. Yet, somewhere along the way I have lost that gung-ho attitude and I wonder if a lack of faith is causing me to falter when I am left with such a clear answer.
      For me I feel the card points to a deeper problem, that of returning the fearless faith I had in the universe, for without such a faith I just ending damaging my knees after a bad landing. I took a nasty fall and I am afraid to go back and take the high wire once more for fear that once more the net will be gone when I leap.
   

9 of Pentacles. Financial independence and superiority.

     This card is about plenty and the freedom granted by financial independence. It has brought up a great deal of personal baggage in trying to get myself into the right frame of mind to discuss it. Sometimes entering into the mind state of the card is harder than usual, certainly if the card represents a state that is not resonant for me at this time.
     None-the-less I will discuss the card before delving into the more personal aspects. The nine is close to the end of the material cycle represented by the pentacles, we are almost at fullness within this suit. The lady in the card is enjoying all the fruits that material security and independence can buy. She is leisurely enjoying her estate in a fine robe covered in Venusian symbols. Venus being the planet of beauty it shows that her finery is of the greatest opulence. It is a golden robe, which again exemplifies the wealth this card represents. The trim on the robe, along with the hat she wears is a vivid red. Red being a colour of vibrancy, material power and vigour.
        Behind her is a golden sunset, the composition balanced by two trees either side of her. The Venusian symbolism, the finery and the balance all suggest this card has links to Libra.  To either side of her are the pentacles stacked alongside the rich bunches of grapes, suggesting she can afford to enjoy the finer things in life. The hooded hawk itself is another symbol of aristocracy, also showing her freedom to move about and return to a comfortable resting place. It's hood remains in place as it is not now the time to hunt, but to relax.
       At the foot of the card is a snail showing the leisurely and sedate pace created by the secure foundation of wealth. There is no hurry and what one has is simply to be enjoyed.
      The card itself seems simple in its analysis but it has been difficult for me to feel the energy behind it. My current financial situation does not reflect the energy of the card, if anything it reflects its opposite. For me my life does not include a material stability or the ability to take things easy and enjoy the finer aspects of living. This created a great deal of conflicted feelings as most of the cards I have drawn have had a real life situation occur that allowed me to understand the energy. Instead this card has raised frustrations and ugly feelings.
      Rather than feel stuck, I have looked at the feelings that have emerged in trying to emulate this mindset in attempt to understand why I cannot bring this energy into fruition in my life. Much as when trying to flush out a blocked pipe the first thing to emerge is the cause of the blockage and all that has caused the clogging.
     What arises in me is envy. Envy is not an emotion I am used to. Although once I look at it, I see how pervasive it has become in my own life. Being brought to my financial knees has magnified the envy I feel for all those around me in such a way that it has become an intolerable noise. Upon further examination I see that it goes even deeper into my psyche. Last night as I drifted off to sleep I asked for a dream to elucidate my situation so I could better understand how this feeling may be blocking me.
      I dreamt that I was in a department store in which several high-tech stands were set up. I was there with my younger brother, although he was much younger in the dream...little more than a young child. I was in possession of a large felt block or box which strapped onto my back by virtue of a Velcro strap. When I put the pale green box onto my back I could hover about at a height of a foot or two. It was quite a pleasurable experience and the box itself felt weightless. As I was hovering about, my brother threw a toy or figurine into a glass display case shattering the front. One of the shop workers came over and scolded me for my brother's actions and informed me that I wouldn't be able to work there because of his action. I felt non-plussed by this as I wasn't really interested in it in the first place. I was considering offering the box to my brother when the dream shifted. It then moved into another aspect about another area of my life which does not seem relevant.
      Symbolically the green represents envy and the block...well that represents a block. But, the dream suggests that I am willingly donning the block because it elevates me. I can understand how this may be. I can feel elevated by my envy, I can even feel an element of superiority (aerial superiority!). If I feel elevated then I would naturally feel envious of those who are below me from possessing what I do not. My desire is not born of a genuine desire, but from a righteousness derived from a false sense of superiority. Letting go of this envy and the superior elevated position, although less pleasurable immediately will lead to me finding my own level. It will put me in contact with the earth and ground me in reality.
      It is easy to find the source of this. Growing up I was the smallest in my year...bar the kid with a growth disorder. I was also one of the youngest, struggled with my school work and was naturally shy. My family was not wealthy so seeing others with more was a regular occurrence. My father also had a serious inferiority complex, often claiming that Italians were responsible for every single good thing in civilization and therefore by extension he was part of that legacy. I could go on, but it does not serve as there are many factors in this stew and no one thing is fully responsible.  It is natural that I would want to feel bigger, better and superior to those who surrounded me, if only to be able to compete.
      I can see that this constructed sense of superiority disconnects me from the earth and my true self. I know I possess many good qualities and this envy exists because of my childhood difficulties. It is difficult for me to feel a desire for something without going through a sense of entitlement born of an elevated sense of self. But it is not connected, it is not genuine and only serves to feed this dynamic of envy.
     The block in the dream is only connected by a strap of Velcro, yet the desire to feel elevated is strong. Finding a block that doesn't weigh me down is novel, as in my experience they often possess a weight which creates a lethargy and feelings of heaviness. Letting go of the block means letting go of a safety mechanism that has been in place for a long time and has served to keep me afloat when things should have buried me. I know now that I can rely on my own self worth and do not need to keep an aid to buoyancy with me. It is only keeping me from connecting fully with the earth.
      In the end I have to let go of this barrier to financial independence, the feeling that has kept me safe for so long. Because it no longer serves and only suffices to keep me disconnected. The elevated sense of self. It is the shadow side of the 9 of Pentacles, an elevated sense of superiority. Granted by things real or imagined.

6 of Cups. Nostalgia and reminiscence

    Nostalgia is a powerful bittersweet emotion. It can be wonderful and terrible at the same time, bring aches to your heart and tears to your eyes.
    The 6 of Cups is all about that emotion, even in spite of its somewhat confusing imagery. The brightly coloured card shows a figure passing a cup  filled with flowers to a younger girl...possibly a child. It takes place in a secure walled town, complete with a guard protecting the meadow where they meet.
    I have spent many of my hours of my life lost in nostalgia, recalling the emotions of past times. Mostly I spend it recalling how I felt, emotions that feel out of reach except in bittersweet memories. People say that these emotions are a trap, that they hold you in the past, grasping for things that will never be again. There is an element of truth in their words, but there is also a reason we feel so drawn to these types of thoughts.
   There was one element in this card that I could not figure out at first. All of the cards are very well drawn, depicting with skill the elements they talk of. So as an artist there was one thing that stood out to me as I looked at this card. Barring the somewhat ambiguous depiction of a child, there seems to be a strong artistic flaw in this picture.  Looking to the left of the card we see steps and a pathway on which a guard with a spear is walking. The pathway is sloping upwards and the lines of perspective point in that direction too, yet the crenelations on the square tower point downwards towards the horizon line. This creates a discontinuity in the image. It is easy to think this may well be an artistic mistake that was overlooked, but if we are to remain in keeping with the idea that all elements have been included for a purpose then it may speak of more beneath the surface of this card.
       There are two options I can think of. The first is that the skewed perspective is a commentary on the warped perspectives we often show when we look back on the past, certainly on childhood experiences. The second is that the perspective is not incorrect and it is showing a bridge that is arcing up before suddenly dipping down. This would mean there was a river or some other obstacle we could not see that needed to be surmounted.
    There may be an element of truth in both of these statements. As a shaman I understand that memories of the past, regardless of how painful can be keys to certain lost emotions. There are some wounds that do not heal with time and our memories serve to bring us back to these psychical scars time and time again as if probing a missing tooth.
    I had a simple dream a few nights back that I have been puzzling over that I believe is somewhat related, at least for me. In the dream I had just emerged from a deep cave system, which has treacherous pathways and narrow ledges. I came upon a town in which I encountered a new car which apparently I had just bought. It was a deep red sporty looking vehicle, somewhat like a Mustang but with a slightly different design. I got into the vehicle and pulled out a map to find my way back home. The map showed a mountain range (somewhat like Colorado) with lots of names upon it. I was trying to find either where I had come up, or Flagstaff so I could return home with my new car. The dream was frustrating in that I could not find either on the map and I didn't want to start driving a new car not knowing where I was or where I was going.
    Looking back on the dream I can understand my feelings, having felt like I have just emerged from a very difficult period and found a new way of moving through the world. The problem is in how to bring that home to myself. I look on the map trying to find places I knew, yet not finding them. It is like I can't bring that piece home yet as I don't know the route. I search for a recognizable route but find none.
    Often nostalgia is like this. We can find a piece of ourselves trapped somewhere, but there is no point of reference on how to bring it back. So we go again and again to this place to taste the fruit that we have become disconnected from.
   Maybe that is the bridge unseen in the card. A link between that sweet memory and the security of our own being. It crosses an unknown obstacle and the route drops out of sight.
   The nostalgia in me points to a time when I did feel that great sense of adventure which the sporty car represents. Yet that time is gone and I am yet to understand how to bring it back to my home. I could live it once more by adopting the same attitudes as I had before and embarking on carefree endeavors. I could live in that disconnected dream world, but I have done that many times before. I know eventually the fuel would run low and I would need to rest my head, but I would be in unknown territory and far from home. So I chose not to adopt the mindset of the old...yet there is something there still to be integrated.
    In the card we see the larger figure gifting the smaller figure, a possible representation of our own inner child. So the card suggests that nostalgia does offer a gift if we can accept it and find a way to bring it back across the bridge. The way is safe, but unknown and that in itself can be a terrifying prospect.
    What I understand is that we have to find these lost fragments of ourselves, the parts of us that have been lost to time, or to hurt and find a way to bring them back to ourselves as we stand now. Otherwise we will never feel complete. It is a process of unearthing, like pulling an artifact from the ground and following the wire as it pulls out from the grip of our memories. By doing so we can see why it got stuck or buried, what was lain atop it or caused it to be disregarded. We must walk that mysterious bridge half glimpsed for ourselves for only then will we become whole. It can be a painful and beautiful journey as we step back into ourselves, but we must not lose hope that these pieces are gone forever. They are us, they are our soul and we must not abandon them.
    Many times we even feel that they are the property of others, that another made us feel that way. But by doing so we lose our power, it is our life and our feelings, they were just a trigger and it is within us to find it again.
    For me music is often that bridge to the feeling. The music can transport you back to a painful or difficult moment and allow you to relive it once more. By doing so it allows us to re-integrate that part back into our current awareness. I have been recently listening to the Pixies (Where is my mind? and Monkey gone to heaven) and a few other songs that remind me of feelings I had felt were lost to me and learning how to make them my own once more. Stripping them of their negative associations and taking only the good back.
     

I want never gets, a legacy of guilt.

   I have recently been opening up the rest of my energy system to kundalini energy. I have run into a deadly trap within my own system and it has been holding me up for a long while. Thankfully with help from some of my dreams I am making headway.
    Many years ago I had my first kundalini awakening, I discuss it fully in one of my first posts here. Suffice to say that it only opened up the energy in the upper part of my torso, arms, head and neck included. The energy didn't fully flow down into my lower torso or legs especially around the root chakra. I didn't think much of it at the time as the experience was new to me to begin with. It was only much later that I discovered that the energy within me was not fully balanced.
   The problem became a little more pronounced later, causing me to suffer from a restless leg style side effect which I later discovered were kriyas. The energy was trying to equalize during the sleep cycles or during meditation and it was much too strong to happen without a lot of discomfort and pain.
   This continued for many years and I simply didn't know how to go about resolving it. Other healers were at a loss and the strong physical aspect of it only served to frighten. Recently (within the last year) I managed to discover and resolve the blockage that was causing so much disturbance with deep meditation, relaxation and giving in to the discomfort. There was also a large psychological element along with emotional affects which also needed to be worked on. The problem has not re-occurred and I can now sleep and meditate without this energy spike occurring.
     It seems as though the work on my legs and feet is not quite finished though. The legs and feet correspond to the material world and my connection to it. I still am running into numerous material issues, both financially and health wise. Financially the flow is more of a drip. Health wise, my hips, hamstrings, ankles and the soles of my feet are subject to tension and inflexibility. Both aspects seem a mirror of each other. The major blockage has been resolved, but the pathways are still blocked.
    A few nights ago I had a dream which elucidated the problem. In the dream I was trying to move down a corridor which had several branches. All along the floor were tiny holes from which arrows and needles would fire forth whenever I moved along the corridor. It made moving down the corridor at any speed both painful and difficult. There were several painted pathways on the ground in blue and red and the blue pathways seemed the easiest to traverse.
    It seemed a perfect analogy for the matter at hand. Trying to move energy (or even blood or fluids) through my legs was a painful and slow process subject to pain. The faster I attempted to stretch my legs and hips out the worse it would become. Unfortunately the rate at which it is comfortable to move is too slow and any faster movement causes pain. This, like trying to make headway in my financial life is intolerably slow and not something that can be suffered for the long term. Looking at the problem only served to cause frustration and depression as there seems to be no alternative.
   So, last night I took a walk to Walgreens (a 24hr pharmacy) ostensibly to pick up some hot chocolate and a drink for Zoe so I could give myself some space to think. As I walked through the campus late at night listening to my ipod a thought occurred to me. I believe it was Einstein that stated that "no problem can be solved at the level it was created". This serves well for any situation and I realised that I was looking at the situation all wrong.
   Rather than seeing the traps as the problem to be overcome I needed to regard the entire situation from a higher level. I have been looking at how the situation is defended and not why. My body/mind system is seeking to stop movement along the pathway, especially anything large or fast. So there is a movement of energy, but only in small chunks, or larger ones if I don't mind taking the hits. I had to consider why is this considered a threat that needs to be reduced or eliminated. 
     I knew that I could rely on my subconscious to eventually figure it out, so when I went to bed I took my notebook and a little reading light. It seems that between 1am and 3am is the best time for letting my mind hazily drift over the topics without distraction. Note: I did not think about it, I just let my mind kind of gaze at it...seeing out of the corner of my eye as it were.
    Part of me thought that it was likely to do with success, that maybe I had a fear of success. But this although fitting the scenario did not get any traction. Then I began to consider that achieving success might bring forth unwanted feelings or thoughts. I looked at my own attitude and realised that a part of me just thinks it isn't possible, that regardless of how hard I try things aren't going to work out for me. That I am just doomed to not get what I want. Now this thought rang a bell.
    Many years back when I had my first experience with kundalini I was working on a big issue for me which was finding my voice. I grew up being painfully shy and unable to express myself. In the end it all came down to what I had been reinforced with since I was a small child. It was the phrase "I want never gets". This maxim had been hammered into me as I grew up. If I said the dreaded phrase "I want" I would be berated and told that I was being VERY rude and given sour looks. Obviously I would be racked with guilt if ever such a phrase slipped out of my lips. Instead I had to phrase everything to cause minimum offense and so that my parents could feel okay with denying my wants, since they were no longer wants, but only very polite requests. All and any of my desires ran the risk of being vetoed. I had to be grateful for whatever I got, even if it wasn't what I wanted.
      Now this all where it began to make sense to me. The protective system is in place to save me from actually getting what I want and therefore doing something shameful and bad. I have worked through my issues enough to be able to express those wants and desires, but as for actually getting them? This idea of "I want never gets" has been so deeply inculcated that it literally stops it from occurring. For me it is a deep universal truth and while I may be able to deny its truth on a mental and verbal level, physically and emotionally it is still just as true as when I was 5 years old. My body literally battles against my mind and tries to protect me from shame and guilt. It leaves me with a legacy of never being fulfilled as it would be asking too much from my poor beleaguered parents. A ridiculous and outdated program in my own psyche.
     The key in this is turning those guardian forces around and to have them working for me rather than against me. They no longer need to protect me from guilt and shame, which are always seen as omnipresent threats for undesirable behaviour. Then I could stop projecting these parental figures onto any beings/organisations etc that might hold my well-being in their hands be it people, bosses or even the universe itself! I can say I want and not expect punishment.
    For my full understanding I must look at the reverse side of why someone would say that in the first place. From my own understanding it is from that person's poverty mindset. I feel that reasonable requests and desires are never really outside of the realm of possibility. A parent often feels that they have to provide everything for the child, but this is a fallacy of limited thinking. The parent is only the vessel of transmission from the universe to the child. If the parent believes that their own desires are not being fulfilled by the cosmos, then they are likely to pass on that mindset to the child, even if this is not actually true. My desires as a child were well within the bounds of possibility, often a new toy I really wanted or the gift of time and attention from a parent. My parents had been living in a scarcity mindset and they felt those things were not even achievable. This was not actually true and the few things I really needed would never have broken the bank. If they had taken the time to look at the needs of a family, they may have realised that their lives were out of alignment and found new and more fulfilling ways of living. They each made their choices and placed the burden of guilt upon me as a child for not being a party to their conspiracy of poverty. My desires were punished with guilt and had to be quieted or smothered for the benefit of not upsetting the status quo. If this legacy were theirs alone then this would be a different matter, but I now must spend my time digging up the bones of the past so I can be free of their influence.
     Seeing this, I can now be free of the guilt and shame that I have felt towards myself and start to really consider what to do from hereon out. It was never my guilt and shame, but that of my parents.
     Knowing this I can re-purpose those defenses to protect from further assaults designed to make me feel the  guilt or shame of another. When I feel a desire arise I can then process it and defend it from those who would seek to make me feel ashamed of natural wants and desires. Guilt is a feeling that arises from within and we do not have to accept it from an outside source, so now I can move forward without having to figure out when to defend against being guilted when I don't feel that way.
   
   

10 of Wands. Co-dependency and carrying burdens.

   The 10 of Wands is the culmination of the suit of wands. Being a ten means it has reached the end and is preparing to begin again at the beginning. But looking at this card you can see he is not quite there yet and in fact seemingly has the hardest part of his task still yet to overcome.
     Yesterday I realised that I still have more than half of the deck still to go and that this task is far from done. It has not been a burden though and I enjoy finding a new relationship with each card, or reaffirming an old one.
    This card is about being overwhelmed and carrying too many staves all by oneself. I fear for this figure's back the way he is carrying all those wands. He is hunched over and can't possibly see where he is going with his face buried in the pile like that.
     I feel like this poor fellow at the moment. I have a myriad of obligations to fulfill, both to myself and to others and the burden of it is pretty heavy. It is hard to see anything but those obligations as they are right there in my face and it feels like if I can just make it to my goal of financial security I can lay all my burdens down.
   He wears a bright red tunic which symbolises his passion and the inherently physical element of carrying such a burden. His blonde hair stands in stark contrast and represents his golden aspirations. He is not carrying the staves for a selfish reason, there is a greater purpose behind his struggle. His white sleeves represent his purity and innocence in carrying all these staves. It is quite possible he is carrying the burdens of others as well as his own. This is an idea that came up in a dream I had last night.
     In my dream, in the first part I was walking along a parkway and I witnessed a woman running through the snow, she fell or dived to the ground and a car speeding up behind her drove over her and crashing into a tree. My first thought was that it was an accident, but then the driver got out of the vehicle and the two figures started to struggle over a dossier. Both pulled pistols and shot each other simultaneously. A stranger and I ran over to the scene of the struggle and realised that the dossier contained some very important secret information, there was a moment we considered fighting each other for it, but the moment passed and we silently agreed to work together. We dumped the rest of her belongings in a nearby drain and ran to a bus stop as we knew we would soon be followed.
     This first part represents coming to find some information that has been kept secret, most likely because two elements hiding the information have neutralised each other. There are four elements in all, representing the totality of my pysche. My character represents conscious awareness and the other three, given their shadowy nature are subconscious elements. A shift in the balance of power in my unconscious has meant that the other two unconscious elements have eliminated each other, leaving a conscious and an unconscious element. My moment of considering whether to fight was pivotal in the re-emergence of the information as both the remaining elements decided to work together, conscious and unconscious. The subsequent flight is a recognition that the unconscious will likely want to reclaim the possibly damaging information and the bus stop represents that information being brought to an area of mass consciousness.
      In the second part I was in an underground mechanics workshop, in which cars where being cleaned and refueled with hot water. The cars looked old and there was a suggestion I could purchase one if I desired, an offer which I was not very enthusiastic about. An old friend of mine was working there from my hostel days (I'll call him J). J was happy to see me and we began to talk about the days when we worked together. At one point during the conversation the subject turned to an ex of mine, at this point J passed a look to another of his co-workers (also an old friend of mine I believe whom I will call H). It was apparent to me that there was something unspoken passing between J and H, something not very pleasant and possibly embarrassing. Usually I would notice this and let it go, but because of recent understandings I have come to, I called them on it. It turns out that there was a lot of information on my ex that I wasn't aware of that was actually not very pleasant.
      This part actually reflects the information that came to light in the first part. The old cars being cleaned with hot water suggest that hot emotions have been scouring the old ways of thinking (cars representing means of moving consciousness).
      I awoke this morning with an unpleasant feeling in my gut and the realisation that I may have given my old ex too much of the benefit of the doubt with several situations. That she may actually have been engaged in some very unpleasant situations, of which there was no clear evidence, but only gut feelings. If this is so and I am beginning to fear that it makes a great deal of sense, then it means I have been carrying several burdens which are not really mine. It would explain a great many of her actions and reduce my own burden of guilt. It appears I may well have been carrying issues that were not my own and need to be returned to their original owner.
   The figure in the card is carrying too many burdens and this indicates we need to figure out which are really ours, or if there is a way to reduce the load somehow. The strain is breaking the back of the figure and though in many instances we wish to soldier on with our loads especially when salvation is in sight (as the castle in the background represents) it might be wiser to reduce this burden.
   It is not our responsibility to carry anyone's woes or karmic responsibility. This situation can be exacerbated in relationships, where both partners will pass off their woes to the other for them to carry on in a kind of "why don't you carry the stuff I don't want to look at and I will do the same for you!". This is the shadow side of sharing...co-dependency.
      It does have a brighter side though, if both partners can remain conscious of this effect then this sharing can be beneficial. The other partner can often be better equipped to deal with issue and so long as there is a level of conscious awareness the issues can find resolution quicker than if worked on alone. This can be a precarious balancing act and making sure one partner does not carry all the burdens alone requires a high level of awareness. For Zoe and I there are several issues that we are helping the other with and this balance can quickly become overwhelming if one person is trying to deal with all the issues at once. It is easy to want to reject the issue of the other as not being one's own, but we often forget the other might be still carrying ours! Working to create a balance of two healthy individuals should always be the end goal of such an endeavor. When this happens it is not a responsibility but a mutually beneficial gift offered by each individual. Taking such a sacrifice upon oneself, if consciously done has great karmic reward. But this must remain a gift and not an obligation otherwise resentment can blossom.
    I now recognise, thanks to my dream that some of my burdens are actually the responsibility of another and it is past due to return them. I no longer wish to suffer a burden of guilt, when the responsibility lays totally within the purview of another.