Page of Cups. Dreams and the youth

  The Page of Cups is a familiar card to me. Some cards just tend to turn up more often in readings than in others. When this happens you develop a rapport with the card, the card begins to transcend it's original pictorial meaning and develops something of a personal tone.
   The picture on the card depicts a youth, usually one of watery emotional disposition ( a dreamer usually) who is examining a fish he holds within a chalice. The youth is colourfully dressed in red, blue and yellow with lotuses embroidered on the tunic. On his head he wears a whimsical looking hat and scarf which looks reminiscent of a wave, both in colour and shape.
   The lotus, we have discussed before is a symbol of the ability to transform waste into beauty and is analogous with the chakras, both in form and function.
    The youth is stood in somewhat of a theatrical stance, he almost looks as though he is an actor in a play about to break into song about his fish. In this way we can understand the basic demeanor of the youth within the card. He is playful and doesn't take life too seriously.
      The fish for me is a symbol of dreams, like fish they swim just beneath the surface of the unconscious, breaking the surface occasionally and returning to the depths just as quickly. The youth has a good connection with his dreams, both the type of dreams we have at night and the type we hold aloft and aspire to. The former being a form of guidance in order to accomplish the latter.
   As with the youth, I have a good connection with my dreams remembering them almost nightly and sometimes more than one if I am on the trail of a particular idea. Recently I have been practicing my ability to journey. Journeying is the ability to travel consciously into the realm of dreams and bring back information from the unconscious, similar to a diver looking for pearls. At first it is difficult in the journey to separate an over-active intellect from the true subconscious material, although even the material your intellect delivers is affected by the tone of the subconscious material it is attempting to convey. In this way even material that seems over-intellectualised or imagined is useful because it is coloured by genuine information.
   Recently though I have found that my intellect has taken too direct a hand in trying to classify, objectify and extract meaning from the material brought forth. Like a young actor in a scene I have become overly invested in the reason for a character's actions rather than remaining true to the emotional core of the role. In doing so the energetic core can become lost in the egoic process of examination, forever marginalised to a sideline as it has to be "worked out".
    The card is a reminded to return to the whimsical energy of the dream and not get caught up in intellectualising or allowing the mind too much control. This has been a common thread with several journeys recently in allowing the unconscious material to surface without overlaying or submerging it with the weight of analysis. A tendency I fear I have had for too long.
   I have found that remaining open to seeing whatever emerged without allowing my mind to immediately begin analysis has been most fruitful. An example being that in a recent journey I perceived what seemed to me to be a feathery wing. Immediately my mind began to try and classify the phenomenon. Maybe it is a pegasus or a bird, maybe a dragon or a feathered serpent. In doing so I began to lose the connection to the genuine material that was emerging and falling into my mind. In learning to meditate and to journey the mind has learned to take a back seat in order to allow the phenomena to emerge, yet all it has done is wait till a later step in the process to attempt to assume control.
    The figure of the youth on the card is also symbolic of another situation in my life. A recent journey yielded information about several plants that would be helpful for me. I sat on this information for quite a while, since I doubted it's veracity. My perception that I didn't know anything about herbalism or plant remedies stood in the way of using the information I received. In the journey I was shown snapdragons, a willow tree and then taken underwater to be shown kelp. It was a simple and quick journey and my mind was quick to dismiss any likelihood that it would hold value.
    Late last week, Zoe and I were at New Frontiers (a health food store) where I was tentatively looking for the plant mixtures. I was having a difficult time following my intuition on it and had been looking at the blue-green algae instead ( I had been told it was very good for you, even if it was expensive). As I was looking at the suppliments I saw a jar containing Icelandic kelp. This reminded me that it was kelp and not algae that had appeared in my journey.
   On a whim I decided to see if there was any of the other plants available (I was pretty certain Snapdragon was not available). Instead I found that all three were available, even Snapdragon in an essence form. A friend of mine who works at the store was helpful enough to print off what all three plants were for and it turns out that it corresponds exactly with several of the issues that I have been working on. As a result I have been drinking down the plant essences and it has really helped. Tensions that I have been working on for a long while are disappearing almost overnight and the domination of my mind wanting a stranglehold over what I am doing is slowly loosening.
   I do feel like the character in the card, especially when I often have a cup of whichever essence I am now taking inspired by the journeywork.

When the whole world is a bully

   The last couple of nights I have had a running series of dreams that all seem to have a common thread. It all started after I had a massage therapist work on the deeper areas of tension in my legs. It seems that the iliotibial band (or IT Band) in my legs is as taut as a bowstring.
   As anyone familiar with bodywork knows the body stores emotions and memories in the musculature, fascia and even the organs. Working on the body can bring unresolved or stored content to the surface. This occurs with the energy body too.
    As to what to do with these unresolved feelings there is no specific answer that holds true universally. Sometimes the feelings simply have to be felt and let go of. But in other situations they can point to patterns of thinking and acting that are so ingrained that letting go without examination and resolution it is like pulling up a weed without getting the roots.
   This is simply going to be a posting to vent my feelings and hopefully come to a resolution which I will be able to impart. I consulted the tarot to help me with this and The Hermit showed me that the answer is to be found within. So I am going within and you are welcome to follow, provided you don't mind me getting into some old crap!
    The first set of dreams occurred on the night immediately following the massage which occurred late at night. I had been wanting to get some clearance on the feelings of powerlessness and frustration that accompanied both the stretching of my legs and my general financial situation. They might seem unconnected, but energetically they are linked and my dreams seem to clarify that. I had actually been looking for answers on the next card I am working on, so when my unconscious delivered up these dreams I understood that this was what I was going to be working on regardless of my other plans!
    The first three dreams I had were all connected thematically. In the first I was excavating some old relics at an archaeological dig site. I was tracking down some talons or teeth from a dinosaur which were buried somewhere in the area. After some digging and searching I discovered that they were located in a small stream bed and were encased in a small block of ice. The dig site is symbolic of the massage digging into old strata and layers of my psyche, the dinosaur teeth are linked to my childhood dreams of dinosaurs (check out Dinosaur dreams for more details) and the ice is about frozen emotions. That they were under an active stream suggests they are buried under a healthy flow of emotions. The teeth in this instance represent power and aggression (baring teeth is a show of power and aggression). Just as I was about to retrieve them a young child of about 5 or 6..possibly older snatched them from the water. He refused to give them back and acted in a generally smug and childish "I found it first" manner. I didn't know how to react or feel in the dream and felt trumped by this impertinent youngster.
     The second dream was similar, in this though the child tried to snatch something from me as I was sat on a train or bus. I grabbed his wrist and took back what was mine, but his mother was horrified and told me that I couldn't do that to a child, which caused me to feel guilty.
    The third brought up a memory of an person I have not thought of in years. His name was Barnaby and he was part of a clique at school. The clique of guys he was part of were pleasant outwardly, but you could tell they sneered and derided everyone who wasn't like them. I didn't know how to deal with them as the the thin veneer of pleasantry didn't adequately cover the corruption within. In this dream he helped me get a new computer, but when I set it up, it was flooded with spam and malware. I knew he was responsible for this, but there was no way I could prove it.
    In writing these dreams down I can clearly see the common thread. It is in dealing with someone who on the surface appears pleasant, but underneath is actually not a good person. I am unsure on how to be around people that are false. The greater my ability to perceive these charlatans of good nature the more I feel insecure in how I should react. Often such people possess a pleasing facade and either an emptiness or dark rot within.
    I grew up feeling that one should be civil and polite to all people, to act as a gentleman to even the most reprehensible and vile people. In some ways this an extension of giving the benefit of the doubt. The links to my childhood are undeniable and there are several instances in my past that cause me to look back with horror and disgust on things that happened in which paralysis was my only response.
      In the dream the night afterwards things got worse. In this dream both Zoe and I were sat in a restaurant having a light meal. I thought I saw a relative sat at another table (possibly my grandfather) though the view was obscured somewhat because of angle and obstructions. I waved them over and it turned out that it was my father. He introduced himself to Zoe, then hugged her in what was an inappropriate fashion which was more like groping. She was clearly uncomfortable and so I pulled him away then punched him in the jaw. The blow was glancing and held little power, but he retreated and looked somewhat shaken. We exchanged some brief words and he left. Again I wasn't sure if I had over-reacted as violence is not a common form of response for me and I have been taught it is never an appropriate reaction.
    Striking one's father is also seen as a large no-no. The final form of the dream though is very telling for me. The antagonist is finally revealed as my father (how typically Freudian!) and it speaks heavily of my relationship with him. My father is not a vile man, nor is he wantonly bad, yet he shares many traits with the antagonists in the previous dreams. He takes joy in malicious jokes and childish power games, yet on the surface he is a popular and charismatic individual. People will forgive a great deal of a charismatic man (or woman). In the dream I took no joy in striking my father, but looking back I feel it was necessary.
   The dreams connect to that childhood anxiety of how to deal with such an individual who is cruel in nature, but hides it behind a mask of civility. I am no longer a child and therefore am not limited to being powerless around such individuals or situations. But I am still finding a level of appropriate response without being left bereft or over-reacting. It as though a part of me is still a child in this, learning how to respond to the great bullying world that puts on a mask of civility.
     This issue strikes a deep cord in me for all those times that I have let those childish power games or malicious jokes go unanswered. I feel it connect to a level of anger. In my own psyche there is either paralysis or over-reaction, my instincts take hold and there is only fight or flight. As a child I could only respond with incomprehension when my father acted in such a fashion, washing between the shores of paralysis or the urge to fight. Of course, as a child one cannot strike your parents and even the thought induces guilty feelings. It creates a feeling of powerlessness against so great a force. I could no more strike out against my parents than I could fly to the moon.
    The dynamic this has created within me has set me up to view the universe through the same lens. When life or circumstance seems like a malicious joke, I am paralysed or feel rage at the circumstances binding me. Of course, lashing out at my new "parents" within my own spirituality holds just as much a taboo as striking out at my real family. It is said that you look upon the Gods as you look upon your parents, using the same filters and the same perceptions. So what does this mean for me? That when life plays a malicious trick, or is cruel, I simply accept it as the will of untouchable deities. That the rage and frustration I feel cannot be expressed or I will suffer greater indignities. It has created a fear of authorities within me, that I cannot speak up or out against their injustices or feel the wrath and punishment that breaking that taboo will bring even if their actions are unjust.
     I guess it is all in being able to handle these situation as an adult and not letting my rage carry or paralyze me. Growing up with this as a child made me feel powerless whenever something unfair or bad happened, I found ways to rationalise it within my self as to why it happened to me and for what purpose. I have let these situations occur in my own life and not stood up against them and answered them. I even doubt there is any way I could offend the universe, it doesn't have human sensibilities and would surely understand my human frustrations. I am sure God has heard it all before and it is quite likely my anger would be the amongst the least colourful things he hears each day. It also seems like if anyone is equipped to deal with anger and frustration and not react badly it should be God.
     It seems like being able to fully give my anger over to God is what I can learn from this, that I don't need to store it as a poison, nor cast it out into the world at people who are suffering just as much in life, or even more so if they are a bad person. If I can release that pain and suffering out into the universe, then it can be transformed. Releasing it into people or situations will only magnify whatever it is that I am suffering through.
   It is late..I have a lot to let go of and maybe once my cup is empty of this poison it can be filled with something better...

Dealing with Psychic Vampires Part 2

 In the last posting I discussed my first experience with a psychic vampire. You can find it here.

   After that encounter I didn't run into anything similar for a long while. Recently however I have run into another situation and I was unprepared for it the first time I encountered her. Before I get into the situation I would like to discuss psychic self defense a little as this played a continuing role. 

   Psychic Defense is creating a shield of energy around yourself to ward off unwanted intrusions or attacks on a psychic level. By imagining yourself shielded in a bubble of light or other configuration, it provides an element of protection. This is a very simplistic description and I will write in greater detail shortly on this subject. It may sound like a fantastical concept, but it does help significantly in repelling unwanted energies.

    The shielding I had been using had been relatively unsophisticated. I found that simply pouring out a level of healing was enough to discourage people who don't want to grow and attract and help those that do. This didn't cause harm to anyone and provided help to those in need. Unfortunately I hadn't considered how this might attract vampiric types who look to feed on subtler levels of energy.
   Like the previous vampire I discovered that this one whom I will call L also took to hooking in at the heart level. I got to see her doing it both to myself and to a close colleague, by closing in then simply going for a reassuring back rub. When it happened I immediately felt it happen, but was too preoccupied in a separate conversation to do anything about it. Once I had extricated myself from the situation and gone home I took the time to clear my field and take a look at what she had put in. It was as though she had hooked into my heart centre and the "hook" would supply her with a small amount of my energy every time I opened my heart. I was able to clear it out with incense and meditation (although I found using a chunk of Pyrite removed it almost instantaneously). She had also placed similar hooks in some of my personal items, which also had to be cleared out.
   This instance taught me that my shielding was particularly useless against this type of intrusion. Like most shields, some experimentation is best to figure out how one can adapt it to different circumstances. I fully did not expect to encounter L again, but I did think it was due time to change my protection up.
   During a workshop I was doing later in the week we ended up doing a meditation for shielding and I found that my ideas on how to modify it came together. I had toyed with the idea of having a thorny shell on the exterior, but I decided that this would not be good for people I wanted to be close to. In the end during the meditation, my shield altered to still incorporate the previous healing sphere along with thorns that would emerge if my energy system was under threat.
   It turned out that I did run into L a few weeks later under different circumstances and I felt my defenses go up. She refused to make eye contact or engage with me, even though I was prepared to have some stern words if she got into my space again. While I wasn't affected in this instance, another person had been and I ended up removing similar hooks from her and several items.
   What was surprising to me was that many people were unable or unwilling to see this side of L. Another clairvoyant friend of mine confirmed what I had perceived and later that even I got some serious confirmation from L herself (even if she didn't fully recognise it herself). It was as though people either did not expect such a thing to happen or exist and they let it fly under their radar, or that they did not want to seem judgmental.
   The confirmation came later in the evening as a group of us sat together to discuss some of the more unusual events in our life. We moved onto the topic of other worldly beings, or supernatural encounters and L stepped forward. She claimed that one evening she had stepped out of her house to be confronted by a bright humanoid light (somewhat like an angel as she described it) that shot an electrical bolt into her heart where it burned a mark onto her skin. She explained it as feeling like she was being tazered. After this event her eyes turned the colour of blood for a week and she has not slept since. Several people commenting on how it must have been a "healing" event...which I guess in the very broadest sense it was. Although I think if I was blasted by a bolt of light from an angelic being which burned a mark onto my skin, I would be seriously considering my life up until that point.
    Still, I guess I am still far from the point of suggesting to her that she might be a vampire and so I can't really point any fingers. What I can do though is continue to shield myself and watch out for those close to me to make sure they aren't being drained by this or any other psychic energy sucker!
    As for further speculation on what to do when confronted with this type of person I do have several suggestions. If possible shield yourself by calming yourself and imagining a white ball of light around yourself and loved ones. Stay away from such individuals and try not to let them touch you or get into your personal space. They may also attempt to draw you in with their stories or illnesses and remaining neutral is your best bet. At a pinch, folding your arms over your heart and solar plexus will provide a natural barrier to the areas they tend to hook in ( although this doesn't protect your back). Eventually they will cease to bother you if there is no way for them to feed on you.
    From my small experience they seem to be drawn to more passive giving sorts, usually those with large hearts who are unlikely to confront them. If possible they will seek out more refined energies rather than baser energies. Their energy fields are usually so compromised that they need to draw energy constantly to maintain their own well-being and are often unhealthy themselves unless they can draw large quantities.
  Looking at the mythology of vampirism there seems to be several interesting parallels, some of which I discussed in the last segment. Garlic is useful for cleaning the blood, which I doubt would have any real effect on a psychic vampire. Running water also has proven to be a useful barrier on a few occasions against incorporeal beings (not sure why)..but that is another story...and not much help in this case (they would just find a bridge). Obviously plunging a stake into a person's heart is to be avoided, there are lots of legal ramifications and it would be a terrible way to find it doesn't work.
    In the case of night attacks, it is possible to shrug these attacks off (having done it myself once (another story)) but it requires some level of mastery of your energy body (your physical one is usually paralysed). If you feel you might come under this kind of attack, use the shielding exercises I outlined above. Or if you find yourself victim to one and have the presence of mind, you can call upon Jesus, God, angels or any other goodly being whom you feel an affinity to (the spirit of science or mathematics will not work...trust me).

   

  

Dealing with Psychic Vampires Part 1

  Vampires are a common mainstay of myth and fantasy and they are also occupy centre stage in many of today's  entertainment mediums.
   They have gone through a bizarre process of being regarded somewhat as misunderstood anti-heroes in the mainstream media. Twilight is a good example. Meeting a walking corpse with a penchant for murder, blood drinking and hanging around minors many decades his junior would actually be repulsive to most decent human beings (regardless of his glittering). They have gone from being undead terrors of the night to sultry seducers. The same holds true for werewolves..but I don't want to get into that right now.
   Regardless of this cultural switch-around one still assumes that they are creatures of myth and fantasy. While I have certainly never encountered a real life blood sucker, and have no ambitions to change that should they exist. There is a kind of vampire that does exist... Psychic Vampires.
    Most of us at some point have encountered someone who drains your energy by their mere presence. These individuals tap into your life energy to fuel themselves because of their inability to do so themselves. They are often terrible martyrs and play the victim role to draw as much from you as possible. Often they attach to your energy field with cords or simply by getting into your personal space to draw it off. Most of these types do so unconsciously and to some degree we are all guilty of doing this at certain points. Cutting the cords to these types is relatively simple and requires no great skill. Simply avoiding them or stopping them hooking in, in the first place is recommended and I will soon post some simple exercises to help with this.
   There are however vampires that have been around for a while and this ability is a conscious choice to a lesser or greater degree. These intentional vampires are the ones to really watch out for. They are extremely rare and I have only ever encountered a handful of them, but they do exist. At this point the lines between fantasy and reality tend to blur somewhat. They are often skilled psychics and capable of manifesting some unusual phenomenon in their quest to draw life force. Most of the time they exist on the periphery of human society and the majority of mankind will never meet them, nor even if they encounter them have any idea that they did.
    My first experience with a psychic vampire of any power was many years ago. At the time I was working at a hostel and so I often ended up encountering an often unseen side of life. Working at the hostel I would meet up to 40 or 50 new people every day and of course sometimes those people would be oddballs. For the most part it was simply meeting and greeting backpackers and it was exciting and stimulating work. Everyone would have a story and many times it would be inspiring, about how they had left it all behind to travel the world or some such adventure. The vampire, although I had no idea she was such at first glance was also a traveller. I shall call her X to avoid using any real names. She arrived with a group of other women and was very social, she was bright, positive and a skilled clairvoyant. She was a little older than the regular backpacking crowd but not enough to mark her out as odd in that respect and the group she was travelling with was of a similar age.
    We got along very well initially as I had an interest in the unusual and her experiences as a psychic intrigued me. We talked about various experiences both of us has encountered and she talked about the manifestion of her psychic abilities slightly later in her life. They had come on strong and she was fully capable of seeing into different realms with some skill and encountering all manner of unusual beings. It was all very new to me and fascinating to imagine that those elements were part of our reality even if they existed beyond my current ability to perceive. She offered to help me open up my clairvoyant abilities in exchange for healing work and I gladly accepted. We spent a lot of time talking and being in each others company and I never felt drained around her, although she did ask for regular healing energy. The first clue came during one of my initial treatments with her although I was too inexperienced to correctly interpret it. I noticed as soon as the healing began that it seemed as though she was already full of energy, as though she was energised almost immediately. It felt as though the rest of the treatment was somewhat redundant and towards the middle of the treatment I perceived a vision of what appeared to be blood spiralling into her energy field. Like water going down a drain. My clairvoyant skills were still in their infancy and presumed that it was probably a menstrual issue and didn't wish to bring it up.
    She was planning to leave with her friends soon to see some more sights when one of her friends came to speak to me. She was in tears and an emotional wreck. She said that X had accused her draining her and that she no longer wished to travel with her. After I calmed her somewhat, she asked me if she was a drain on people. She was obviously distraught and X's behaviour struck me as unusual as she was usually very tactful and considerate of others feelings. I told her that I hadn't experienced that in her presence but it might be wise to take some time away from her to recharge her own batteries. Looking back I can see that this lady may have engaged in some unconscious draining of X and it seems that a psychic vampire would be extremely sensitive to any energy loss in her system.
     At this point X left for a while to continue her travels and I saw nothing more of her for another 6 months. She decided that she wished to some back and visit the area again. I was happy to hear that she was returning and that she would get to meet my girlfriend at the time. She stayed with us this time and I immediately noticed some tension between her and my girlfriend, so I was happy when she moved out to stay in the hostel. At this point I really started to notice some odd behaviour from her. She ended up sleeping with a guy who worked at the hostel who was 20 years her junior and the match seemed really unusual. She also started hanging around a female traveller who eventually complained that she felt awful around her and that she didn't want to even be close to her. I also witnessed several times her getting into people's personal space and placing her hands on their backs over their hearts. She also tried this with me and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable, enough to want to avoid her. I also started to hear similar stories from people around us that she was making a lot of people uncomfortable. I decided that I no longer really wanted to spend any time with her and it was pretty easy given that I spent a lot of it with my girlfriend anyways. This is when things got really weird...
      It happened late one night. I was awakened from a dream by intense shooting pains in my left arm, as though energy was shooting from my shoulder to my wrist. In the dream I had been leading a cavalry charge of angels on horseback through the heavens and I had been carrying a blazing sword in my left hand ( I am right handed usually). As I awoke groggily from sleep I saw what appeared to be a laughing visage floating in the air close to my bed with X's features. I was immediately shocked to hear my girlfriend chocking in the bed  nearby (we had bunks at the time in the hostel).
    She was in the midst of an intense dream and looked as though she was pinned to the bed. She woke as though in a deep sleep and when I threw the covers back she had scratches all down her legs. It is not beyond the realm of possibility she did this beforehand, but she would have had to have drawn her legs up to her chest or sat up to inflict the scratches I saw. The scratches faded quickly and soon there was only unblemished skin. She said that she was being choked by some sort of being that was sat over her chest and that she hadn't been able to breathe and had been trying to call out to me, but had been paralysed. I flicked the light on, things always seem better when the light is on!  Looking at our clock it was 2am. We then heard a  noise that sounded as though rats were running across the floor of our room, which was very creepy...even with the light on. Much later on when this was all done, while I was watching the Exorcist I heard a similar sound in the scene in which the mother is exploring the attic and she hears a noise.
    I prayed for guidance on what to do and received the information that we should just stay in the room and wait for an hour with the light on. That after 3am if would be safe to go back to sleep. I was happy to do this and felt time spent in the light was a good thing. Unfortunately my girlfriend needed the bathroom, which was at the end of the hall and couldn't wait the time till 3. She wanted me to come with her and stand outside the bathroom stall. I had no choice really so I agreed, even though it is the thing you shouldn't do in a horror film situation.
    We got to the bathroom without incident, then my girlfriend said she needed a pair of scissors (to this day I don't remember why). I knew that didn't have one in our room and the closest set was at the reception area in the front of the hostel. She was scared and I wanted this to be over as quickly as possible so I ventured down the stairs to the reception area. It was shortly after 2am and all the lights in the building were off on the lower floor. The switch for the lights was by the front door far from reach and so of course, not within easy reach. Sat on the couch in the darkness were two figures. It was hard to make out their features although they looked native, dark skinned and heavy set. They were not speaking or making any sound and I could not tell whether they were male or female. I had the presence of mind not to freeze..it was where I worked for starters and felt I was on home ground. I got the scissors from the rack behind the desk and felt that I couldn't just leave them sat there. We often had drunks try to camp out in the hostel and because I worked there I felt a level of responsibility. I intuitively felt I should challenge them, but no more than that. So I asked them if they were staying here. One of the figures called out "Here you go darling" and waved a key in the darkness. It was impossible to tell if the voice was male or female and I got out of there and upstairs quickly.
    After that things were good, although we did stay up till 3am before sleeping. The next morning I checked the registry and could not find anyone staying that matched their description. I had checked in most of the people myself and none of the other guests had names that were native. Nobody on the staff could recall seeing such individuals and so their presence remains a mystery. The key box had been locked in the safe.
    X left shortly after that and I lost contact with her. My guidance informed me that she was a vampire and a friend with more experienced also agreed on it. Looking back over the situation I could see several trends that were interesting. First off she was highly psychic, but unable to recharge herself energetically except through either "feeding" off others or at first being "healed" by an energetic healer. During a healing she was able to siphon off a great deal of energy very quickly showing her system was highly developed for moving large amounts of energy quickly. I didn't feel drained because when healing I tap into a greater, unlimited source which would mean I was simply a channel for that energy. She was able to astrally travel to feed and this took the guise of sleep paralysis for the victim who perceived this as similar to an encounter with a succubus/incubus or night hag. Mythologically vampires were able to call upon rats, bats and minions to serve them. The crawling scratching phenomenon sounded similar to a horde of rats although I didn't witness any visual phenomenon and it could be challenged as being that old chestnut of the building settling etc. The figures in the lobby reminded me of certain beings described in Carlos Castenada's series of books who needed to be challenged and would fit in with being minions.
    It could be accounted for by unusual dreams, house settling noises, sleep paralysis, hallucinations and bad paperwork if one was inclined to explain away the phenomenon, but this seems just as unusual a set of occurrences to occur in one evening. Given that I have encountered these phenomenon on a number of occasions suggests a deeper level of reality showing itself. I will explore the process further in my next post, where I hope to describe more recent situations and how to protect oneself properly.

If one is interested in deeper study of modern vampirism then you should take a look at this book:



Carlos Casteneda's series of books in also a great way to get a feel for altered states of awareness:


 
 

8 of Cups. Card of leave taking

   The 8 of Cups is a gloomy looking card, it has a dark background and a sad faced moon overseeing the figure as he departs leaving his cups behind.
    I have found as I pursue this blog that the energy of the cards has began to seep into my life and so drawing a gloomy looking card is not always my favourite thing as I wonder what it is that I am going to leave behind.
    Whatever is in the cups, it is enough for the figure to have grabbed his walking cane, his cloak and leave without even a glance over his shoulder. The somber blue of the sky and the strange moon face give an aura of sadness that hang over the card. The face of the moon itself seems to be confined within a circle of its own and I can only imagine that it is representing the dark side of the moon, even if it remains bright. This unusual symbolism suggests what would seem to be dark and sad, might actually not be all that bad.
    The last few mornings I have woken with a kind of sadness over me, a resignation. My business has taken off a little more, but for some reason the lull I am experiencing at the beginning of this new month in my work has affected me. Saying I was mooning over this slackening in business would not be far wrong. By drawing this card it forced me to consider my line of work and what it means for me. The creeping sense of dissatisfaction and boredom is at the fringes of my awareness and coming close on the heels of the last card (ironically, the 7 of Cups) it has allowed me to sink into the boggy ground of a certain ennui. The obvious thought is that I am dis-satisfied with my level of income and how it has restricted me and Zoe in our life and that of course that is what I wish to leave behind. On a certain level that is true, I would like nothing more than to be able to leave that chapter behind.
    In the card the traveller, for that is what he is regardless of what he may have been before he left, is prepared to leave it all behind. The eight cups, precariously balanced upon one another give no indication of what they carry. The upper layer of cups has an unusual gap, in which the traveller stands. It is if a small break in the situation has given him the impetus to step away from it all and set out on a journey. The destination of the journey is not as important as what he has been left behind.
   When I first left the UK and my call centre job for a bank I had the opportunity to work with a rocket scientist. What he was doing at the bank in a call centre I do not know, other than maybe to keep himself occupied after the military. I had told him of my plan to leave the bank and to go travelling on a journey, but I was unsure where to go. He told me that with getting a rocket to leave the atmosphere of the earth, it was not so important as to where it was going, but in generating enough force for it to push away from the ground so it could break free.
     The mountains that make up the background of the card are jagged and large and although the traveller appears to have a paved road ahead, his journey is not likely to be an easy one. It is the leave taking that is going to be difficult. The moon and the tides of the waters are holding him back. Gravity and inertia are his enemies and the small break is enough for him to set his intention and to push away.  The red of his cloak shows his vigour and passion to make a break for good and his green trousers show that his heart is also in this endeavor.
     As I considered my feelings this morning in bed, one thing occurred to me. It is not the situation that is frustrating me and bringing me down, although that doesn't help. It is the feelings themselves that I wish to leave behind. I will doubtless encounter further lulls in my business and even in my life. I cannot seriously expect that everyday will greet me with the promise of exciting work or wonderful opportunities. If everytime I find a lapse or a lull in the flow of things I engage with these feelings, then I will find they play a larger role in my life than I would like. The feelings of disappointment, of boredom or inertia are the feelings I really wish to leave behind. Outside of those worries it is a beautiful day and there are plenty of opportunities to enjoy my life or to choose to engage in positive activities.
     This card challenges us to face upto those parts of our lives that have dragged us down, those emotions that we would rather project onto external situations and to leave them behind. It is about leaving negative behaviours, patterns, emotions or even relationships behind us and to push onto greener pastures, regardless of how hard it is to break out of their gravitational pull.

II - The High Priestess.

 The High Priestess is a powerful feminine force, she stands at the forefront of the Major Arcana and also as a high point on the Tree of Life within the Kabbalah esoteric school of thought.
    I feel she is the mystical consort of the Magician, although her aspect can be reflected in the Hierophant (Exoteric rather than esoteric knowledge) and the Hermit (a male correspondence to inner knowledge).
   Like all the Major Arcana it is rich in symbolism and allegory. She sits between the twin pillars of Boaz and Joachim, which where foundational supports for the temple of Solomon. Which can also be understood to represent the twin paths of mercy and severity, again upon the tree of life.
    She sits dressed in pale blue, the colour of communication, representing a connection to the throat chakra and the ability to hear the inner voice and its wisdom. Upon her head she wears a triple moon headdress, symbolising the three moon phases and linking her to many triple form goddess deities (Hathor and The Morrigan being prime examples). At her feet lies a crescent moon, similar to the depictions of Mary, but in reality speaking of more ancient traditions.
     In her hands can be seen a scroll with the inscription "Tora" upon it. This is somewhat similar to the letters on the Wheel of Fortune card and links us to the Tarot, Rota and Torah. The scroll represents the knowledge that lies in her hands and is partial concealed from casual observance.
    Even more striking and not readily apparent from a cursory examination is the that veil behind her actually hides an entire landscape complete with a sea and landmass. This veil is decorated with pomegranates an ancient and multifaceted symbol which relates to the underworld, or land of the dead. Therefore one would not go far wrong to assume that this veil hides the great undiscovered country that lies behind the veil of death, of which she is a guardian. The story of Persephone and her journey into the underworld, only to become trapped there by Hades for consuming a few pomegranate seeds is the connection we can see here.
    The High Priestess is the Guardian at the Gate for esoteric inner knowledge, for passage to the land of the dead and to the energies of the feminine, yin energies of Water and Earth.
    On a more superficial level she represents the stillness before action to contemplate and get in touch with your inner feminine knowing (whether you are woman or man). She is the oracle, the priestess and the seer. The wise woman and gentle feminine knowing. Her power is not as overt as the Magician, yet you ignore her advice at your own peril.
     I drew this card in the midst of my own individual process. In the last weekend I attended a Shamanic Workshop for advanced healing practices and during the many journeys I embarked upon a common theme emerged. It was of facing my own death through being devoured by an aquatic creature (a shark to be specific). Journey after journey took me to face this, even when we took a break for the night I had a dream of being on a sinking truck under which a shark swam waiting for me to be unable to escape. Finally on the last day I let myself be eaten. This didn't bring any immediate epiphany, it seldom works that quickly. But, I did feel as though a new boundary had been crossed.
     Later in the week it came home to me. I have only included a few of the many symbols and synchronicities that occurred through the workshop and the time preceding and following the journeys. There have been several themes involved, the main ones being death and female energy. In a book I have been reading called the Magus of Java the author discusses the energies of yin and yang as being oppositional forces that truly tangibly exist, rather than only being the philosophical mental constructs that people consider them to be. He posits that yin energy is the energy of the Earth and of Spirits and that Yang energy is solar energy that exists in all living beings. Yang is hot and is the energy I feel I primarily work with in healing sessions, the masculine energy of life and light.  The energies are not complementary as many would believe and they have an antagonistic relationship to each other. Yin energy is cold and is what one sense when spirits are present. The greater the quantity of yin present (either in the individual or in the being), the greater the ability to perceive these beings.
    My journeys and dreams spoke of the fear of yin energy, of the male Yang energy being consumed by opposing energy. It is the Jungian archetypal fear of the all consuming terrible mother, the castration fear in its purest form. Most men on the road to self awareness are willing and able to be in touch with their female energies, but how many are unafraid of being completely overcome with this energy? I don't doubt that it exists in women too to an equal degree for its masculine counterpart. The fear of death, of annihilation in the void of the female is a primal fear (at least for men).
     I had gone into the store where I work and sat talking with the ladies that run the store and told them of what I was going through and discussed the nature of being absorbed into the pure consciousness of the opposite energy (yin in my case). As we spoke I could feel the fear rise, the fear of losing my masculinity by getting too close to the female energy. Betty suggested a visualisation in which I imagined my body being transformed to that of the female form as a grid moved from my feet up to my head. After it was complete I could feel cold energy running up my spine and my hands begun to shake. The process lasted a good few hours and at one point my teeth were even chattering. A few days later there is still movements of the energy and I do not yet feel it is entirely complete, but I understand that the yin energy is necessary for completeness.
    The Yin or female energy is what allows us to part the curtain to the land of the dead and of spirits, it is the energy of the High Priestess, she is the psychopomp who takes us into that undiscovered country.

7 of Wands. Standing your ground.

  The 7 of Wands is all about standing your ground and fighting on against the odds. This card has been very relevant for me and it's timing is perfect in arriving as I have been dealing with this very issue.
    The figure in the card holds staff across his body, ready to defend both himself and the piece of ground he is fighting to maintain. Below him are six staves, which appear to be threatening or menacing him. The landscape beneath him also looks like a miniature landscape, as though the figure himself is a giant.
   Standing my ground is something I have preferred to avoid, certainly when it has been against overwhelming odds or the threat of violence and harm is present. I have preferred to surrender the ground and move to a better vantage point, rather than hold one particular spot. While mobility is a great thing as many times dropping back will allow you to re-assess and find a better avenue, there are times when you must hold your ground.
   This concept emerged strongly during the Shamanic workshop I undertook this past weekend. My first journey into the state of altered awareness revolved around the concept of standing my ground. I found myself reliving several memories in which I had surrendered my position in order to keep the peace, even though I knew I was in the right. As a result I lost a piece of myself in these situations and made it easier to give it away in the future.
     In the journey I was taken back to an event in my teenage years in which a friend overstepped his bounds and I ended up having to forcefully eject him from my parent's house. His social position in my group of friends however meant that unless a compromise was reached I would remain on the fringes of my own social group. They had remained stoic and unwilling to step down on either side of the disagreement (for fear of taking sides), even though I was clearly in the right. It became a situation in which I felt I had to surrender my higher ground in order to reach a compromise and remain in good graces with my social group. This laid the road for further situations in which surrendering my moral high ground became the norm, especially if I was in the minority. In the journey I was able to find all the pieces that I had surrendered and re-attach them. In doing so it laid the groundwork for me realising something about the whole process. In the journey a guide appeared to me and informed me that "ground is never lost, it is only given".
       With this profound piece of information I was able to look upon the situation under an entirely different light. In all the situations that arose during my journey, it was I who chose to let go of my ground. I was not defeated, I simply surrendered that ground when I felt the stakes had become too high. The bar of which I measured the stakes progressively became lower and lower as the instances occurred, so as to the point in which surrendering my ground under the most trivial of difficulties became the typical response.
     In the card, the figure maintains a higher ground. He defends against threats from below himself and to compromise his position would lead to defeat and a loss of power and self. He fights not from a position of ego (as in the 5 of Swords) but from a spiritual understanding of right and wrong. He may be outnumbered and beleaguered, but his position is in alignment and he can and will triumph. He would not only be surrendering ground, but he would also be surrendering right.
     The idea of right and wrong can be a thorny one and many people will argue that there is no "right " or "wrong". This ideology can leave you in a very dangerous position, unable to defend or fight for what is right or to recognise when one is wrong. It is true that life is more than a simple black and white, that there are many different hues and tones. But we live in a relativistic world and so both extremes must necessarily exist in order to create a spectrum, otherwise it results in a simplistic world of grays. There are times when people will commit actions that are "wrong" and this can clearly be felt on an internal level. Mental justification for these wrongs in order to maintain a simplistic world view or to preserve one's own ego is wrong and must be avoided at all costs.  It whittles away one's integrity and ability to stand against injustice and evil.
      A minor detail on this card is that he wears differing footwear. On one foot, he wears a boot, on the other a shoe. This is representative of his unusual standpoint, of his unorthodox methods or ideologies. Often times this is what can spur these types of situation, defending an unorthodox perspective from the lesser ideologies that threaten it.
     The figure will vanquish his detractors, he holds the high ground and therefore the universe stands behind him regardless of the odds he faces.
     

5 of Wands. Battle and conflict

  When this card appeared as the next card for me to review I understood immediately what it was telling me about my personal life. The five figures in the card are in battle against one another, using their staves as weapons. Just the day before I had taken my old wooden practice sword out of my cupboard and was going through some practice moves. It has been many years since I used it and the idea to take up martial arts once more had been surfacing in my thoughts. So when this card appeared from my shuffling the deck, it made sense.
    The five figures on the card are all clad in differing tunics and so the idea arises of a clashing of ideas, of individual attitudes and opinions. The staves are a fiery suit, so the battle is impassioned, even if there is no malice intended. The five precedes the six (The card of victory), so one comes to the conclusion that victory is the intended outcome of the battle. Whether or not one arrives there is another matter.
    Getting to the martial arts class was a battle for me. Things have been going much better for us recently and the money has begun to flow in as a regular stream of clients has begun to arrive at my door, I presume attracted by positive reviews of my work. Of course, paying for classes, uniforms and taking the time from my newly busy schedule is a consideration that was weighing upon me. The typical fear arose that I would not have enough and it was a battle to not want to retreat and bury my head in the sand, to engage in some less "costly" endeavor. The fact that I had drawn this particular card, showed me that there may be something deeper going on, so I pushed through my fears and went.
      The class, did in fact bring up something deeper. Something I fear I have been avoiding. Something that does require my attention. Over the last few days, I have have several dreams and an encounter or two that has pushed on my boundaries, in fact pushed them down and camped directly in my living room. I don't shy particularly from conflict, or at least that is what I have believed of myself. But I have seen of late my own tactics of giving ground. It was particularly apparent in sparring with the other martial artists. Being somewhat out of shape, I am not as fast on my feet as I once was and I found myself back-peddling, giving ground and retreating.  It also happened several times with people who invaded my personal space and rather than pushing back, I gave ground. It seems I am okay when I can keep things where I want them, but if they get up close I find myself instinctively panicking. My lack of fitness and agility meant that this retreating element was brought to the fore. Previously I would have responded with equal speed and swift ripostes, but now without that speed it outlined the instinctual fear of letting someone in close for fear of being hurt. A big part of me wants to shrug this off, but it was there staring me in the face and I cannot say it was not so. Whether it goes deeper than mere intimidation and confrontation I cannot say yet.
    The card tells us that a battle is inevitable, how we deal with that fact is up to us. I have found that while I do not give up, I certainly give ground. While before I would have rather have given ground rather than hurt another, I am wondering if that is truly always the best course of action. Surely there are times when one must stand their ground, both literally and figuratively, even if it means possibly harming another. By robbing another of the consequences of their actions we harm ourselves in their place. By building the courage to stand my ground I develop the ability to help others learn from their actions and to not give up a part of myself  by the giving of ground. How this will translate into my martial arts practice and daily life is yet to be seen!

10 of Swords. Defeat and failure.

  The 10 of Swords is one of those cards that people dread to draw, the imagery alone is enough to frighten people away from understanding the meaning behind this card. I had been a little nervous of drawing this card, as my life usually reflects the energy of the card that is currently in play, when it arrived yesterday I immediately knew what it pertained to.
   The figure in the card has been pinned to the earth by the ten swords and his life blood pools below him. Above him dark clouds gather as he gazes sightlessly out towards the ocean before him.
   Failure, defeat and humiliation are the bywords of this card and its energy. Of course, they are not pleasant and pain is doubtless going to ensue. It the the fulfillment of a road not followed, a path ignored. This can only lead to pain, humiliation and outright failure. Each one of his thoughts has come back to destroy him and immoblise him with their weight and deadly force.
    This card can be the culmination of a series of bad or uninformed choices that eventually leads us to this point. The weight of all these choices finally brings us down and gives us no choice but to buckle under their weight. It is the end of a phase, it is a stage of completion and from it something new will emerge. The tens are always completion and as such, even though it is difficult to see in this card, presage a new beginning.
     Each of the swords is driven into the spinal column, creating a line down his back. The spine is the vessel for the energy of awakening and it shows that in order to awaken one must go through a painful initiation, on all levels.
    In my own life the symbolism of the card speaks directly to me. During the last stretch of my life I have ignored my own health and fitness, choosing to focus on other areas of my life. As a result there are deep tensions in my body that need to be worked out. In order to do this I have found a friend who is willing to work on these deep tensions in exchange for energy work of my own. He uses a technique known as the Spiral technique, which involves massaging out the stuck and calcified spots in my musculature and tendons. Regardless, there is pain involved as these spots are pressed on and straightened out. At some points the pain is very intense as I can literally feel the tense muscles coming apart and releasing their toxins. The massage actually involves me laying face down and having a blanket lain over my body similar to the pose adopted in the card. It does indeed feel as though swords are being pushed into the super tense areas.
    I understand now that in order to release this mindset I must fully release all these blockages, even though it is a very painful process. I must take greater account of my health and fitness if I am to continue in the field of health and well-being. Don't get me wrong, I am hardly unhealthy or weak, but I am certainly far from my ideal and as a result there is no way that I can advocate being physically healthy and at the peak of fitness without sounding hypocritical.
   I only arrived at this juncture by not listening to my physical needs and not keeping on top of things. There have been mitigating circumstances that have not made it easy up until this point, but I also have to accept that I did not do all that was possible. The road to recovery will be hard, painful and most likely humiliating. But if I accept this as my journey, then I can rise above it, even as I push through it.
  In the card you can see in the distance on the horizon, that there is a light creeping in, even if the current prognosis is grim. This card is a what happens when you ignore the wake-up call in an area of your life and must eventually face your own failure. Drawing this card alerts us to areas we may have ignored or given up on. It shows us that from this point progress is possible, but to do so we must go through the difficult and painful process or removing the fruits of our ignorance. These toxins have to be removed and doing so is painful as we have to see exactly where we have failed. It can serve to grant us a new level of humility, which is borne from suffering humiliation and raising ourselves above it. 

Forgiveness and releasing grudges

  Last night I had a dream. In the dream I found myself in a village and in the village centre I saw all the townsfolk at war with each other. At first I wondered why they would be fighting and then I saw the cause. Above them hovered a gigantic spectral skull and I knew that they fought because of this apparition.  I knew that if I could vanquish this spectre then the people would be free and would no longer turn upon their neighbours. So I gave chase to the skull and used a bow and arrows that had appeared in my hands to try and destroy it. Each time I was about to deliver the final blow it would round a corner and I would not be able to line up a shot. At this point I awoke from sleep the skull still at large.
    Now you may wonder what this has to do with forgiveness and grudges, but stay with me and it will become apparent.
    Many years ago I my trust in a dear friend was betrayed. This single event has been a catalyst for me in coming to terms with many great and difficult issues for me. From this I have learned to get in touch with my anger and to understand what it is to stand up for one's own integrity. Her subsequent disappearance forced me to deal with this on an internal level since it could not play itself out in the world. Forgiveness has been out of reach for me and an earlier acceptance would have meant an avoidance of those very aspects which had caused the situation in the first place.
   Yet I find that I do not have a complete sense of peace in my heart. I doubt that the person in question will ever come forward and apologise. So is my sense of peace dependent on the fickleness of another? Forgiveness has always come easy to me until now and I had never known it was so easy because my sense of self worth and integrity had allowed my feelings to be walked upon without raising an objection. How much more difficult it becomes once one has stood for their own worth.
    One of the most difficult pieces of the puzzle is how to let go without going backwards, without offering acceptance for behaviour I know is un-acceptable. Yet without a form of acceptance there is no peace. How does one go forward in love without losing self worth and integrity or lining oneself up for repeat situations?
  In the dream the people war with one another because of this spectre of the past. I let it escape because of my own fears of what will occur once it no longer exists.
   I know that I don't wish to wait till judgement day to find my peace once more..it is too long a wait. It surely cannot rest upon the acquiescence of another even if one hopes for that. I read on forgiveness yesterday and was struck my several accounts of forgiveness. One was a priest who was beaten daily for his faith and he had advised that one must forgive entirely, that not one shred must be left. Another stated that you must forgive so entirely that the other must be allowed to save face and you cannot hold anything against them, not in word, action, attitude or posture. Visualising this for me caused me a great deal of difficulty, how so much I want the other to understand the damage done. Yet while I do this they still posses an element of power over me.
   It seems that forgiveness is the only way to fully release that, to return to my power in love. Yet one must also hold to one's course, to one's boundaries or all is lost and the lesson is lost. This situation also holds true for other situations in which grudges are held. Holding out for an acknowledgement from one who is unrepentant, unaware or unwilling is a fool's errand. This process is a delicate one and requires that each step along the road must be taken in fullness and not bypassed because one understands where the final step lays. Going through the anger, the pain and all the scars is necessary to grow as fully as possible. Any little left uncleansed remains with us and arriving at forgiveness prematurely is just as dangerous as never arriving at all.
   I have been arriving at that place in myself in which I can feel love for those that have wronged me, yet be able to see, free of judgement that they are damaged and not feel the need to push that upon them. Each person is necessarily at a different point and for some no less than exclusion is necessary to maintain my boundaries comfortably. Others I could allow back into my life if they wished it so, with loving conditions. There is a teasing apart of all that comprises each relationship and understanding where the boundaries need to lay and it is a process that has to rely only on my own inner authority.
   

3 of Wands. Struggle and success.

   

The Three of Wands is an interesting card for many reasons. At first glance it is similar to the previous card, the Two of Wands. It has a figure surveying the land with a stave in hand. This card has a different feel to it though.

    I feel a connection to the figure in this card, his mismatched clothing suggests he has travelled far through many different lands to get to the position he is enjoying now. His patchwork cloak suggests this traveller has adopted many differing attitudes and mixed them together. The sufi's would often caper around as fools in patchwork cloaks, similar to the idea of a jester's motley. To the average man, the jester would seem a ridiculous figure garbed in bright and unfamiliar colours. His actions would seem bizarre and nonsensical, yet he would be the only figure in the court who would be able to speak candidly to the King or Queen without fear of reprisal. His role as fool would protect him from repercussions and would often allow him to be party to conversations or knowledge that others would never hear. 

     The traveller in the card though seems as though his destination is in sight. He has climbed to a pinnacle and now looks down upon the next leg of his journey. Before him spreads a golden sea with ships upon it. It is left to the observer to project their own consciousness onto the card as to what the final destination is. For some simply arriving at this point after struggle may signify success and it does, but one that is not fully complete. Complete success is found in the next card, the 4 of Wands. The success enjoyed in this card is transitory at best, it as arriving at the crown of a hill to see the real peak still laying before you. 

     For me the destination is the mountains beyond the sea. How I will get there is the question. Drawing this card has raised some interesting thoughts and feelings in me. It, coupled with recent events in my life have brought forth an interesting aspect of my own consciousness. The idea of struggle and success are relevant to me at this point in my life. I have certainly seen struggle, but it raises the question of whether it needs to be present in every situation. It seems as though I have enjoyed no short cuts in my life. But how much of that is my own doing?

    Zoe said to me that I always take the most difficult route to success and that it is not always necessary to do so. She is right in that and I am hoping this card may offer a key to change that dynamic. In order to better understand this I allowed myself to visualise myself within the card's environs. I found that naturally my expectation would be that I would not find passage on the ships to cross the sea and would end up walking around the edge of the sea to get to my destination or by bartering my labour for a space in the hold. I do understand the need for determination and tenacity, but when my own imagination makes me walk around the sea I understand that something else is going on here.

    I know that when such things have occurred in my life I have hardened my anger and frustration into resolve to push on through. I guess maybe it is the English stiff upper lip that is responsible, the part of me that responds to extreme difficulty by battening down the hatches and carrying on. History is replete with such English stoicism and while somewhat admirable I can't help but feel that that mindset may help perpetuate the problem. The reality I give it my own mind creates the problem in my external reality. 

     This hardened anger and resolve has formed a pattern that has crystallized around my hips as I have literally 'girded my loins' to push on. As a result I have deep tensions in my hip joints. I know I find it difficult to see any other solution than pushing on through the rough stuff. Anyone who has spent time in the UK knows that soldiering on is often taken as something one must do to get by on a daily basis. Shattering this paradigm is proving a little difficult as my usual way of dealing with a difficulty is actually the problem. Even the previous sentence shows how deeply held it is, that I would even view it as difficult. 

        The solution lies in learning to see an easy solution, or seeing the solution as easy. Once this is done then the difficulty in each situation will fall away and I will be able to find shortcuts and simple solutions. Believing that there is an easy solution is the first step, this will stop me "giving up" on a shortcut and resorting to the long arduous path. This will keep me conscious in the situation and prevent me from falling back into unconscious patterns which I am looking to dissolve. I have already build the "character" that hardship imbues one with and any further difficulty begins to look like laziness on my part.

2012 and the new awakening

  My monitor died this morning. It didn't happen with a bang, just an almost inaudible buzzing before the screen went black. It is the latest in a series of electronics that have given up on me in the last year. It seems like the universe is trying to give me a message and up until now I don't think I have been listening. The message isn't that technology is doomed and that we are going back to a medieval subsistence farming paradigm (at least I hope not!), it is more personal than that. I think mostly the universe speaks to us in a personal way, about our lives and what we can do to make things better.
   2012 is already upon us and many of us are looking to see something extra-ordinary happen. Whether it is the collapse of the financial institutions to aliens descending from the skies, I think we are all looking for a change in our lives. 2011 was a pretty crappy year for me and I have high hopes for this year. But it is entirely plausible that when 2013 arrives (as it inevitably will) we will look back and wonder what if anything happened. I for one would like to be someone who can say something profound did happen. If I continue to look outside myself for something to happen in order to change my life then I may well be waiting till 2013 and beyond.  Sure, something may happen on an external level and I do think it is time for a change...but I cannot sit and wait for that to occur.
     A fellow blog writer (http://www.jaimemintun.com/) recently wrote that the changes in 2012 are up to us, that we cannot sit and wait for all our wishes to be delivered to us on a plate. I am starting to see the sense in that idea. If nothing does change globally then at least it will have changed personally and I can look back at 2012 and say in all honesty that 2012 brought a great awakening.
      Luckily my monitor has a three year warranty and the nice gentleman at LG said they would even take care of delivery. It is also possible since my current monitor is discontinued that they will supply me with an improved model. None-the-less my days plan has collapsed. As my mind tried to scrabble for what I could do instead, I saw a spark of insight dancing in my being. The day suddenly seemed filled with new possibility, instead of blasting undead with lightning deep underground in the mythical land of Skyrim I could do a myriad of other things. Sure, I would have to stop work on my latest piece of art and also put off completing a teaching manual I was working on, but this ray of light seemed fleeting and would soon disappear if I let it slip from my grasp.
    Another friend of mine writes a blog on truck driving interspersed with philosophical musings (http://isterlings.blogspot.com/) and he recently asked me to give him my opinion on an article related to healing and the dynamics of healing. The article was very long and complex, but one piece stuck in my mind. It was a section on the base chakra (check out the tab at the top for more info on chakras). The interesting part of this article for me was that it related difficulties in the lower chakra to unconsciousness. That once we liberated this unconsciousness, it could be transformed into apathy (the energy of the chakra above) and so on until it was fully released.
     The cord that this struck was that I tend to get pulled back into unconsciousness, or at least semi-conscious states quite regularly. There are a number of different behaviours and habits I have adopted that bring me back out of higher states and lower my vibration. So in the interest of growth I took that spark of inspiration I felt and created a list of all the behaviours that take drag me into states of either unconsciousness or semi-consciousness. Doing this I realised that I needed to do something about this before I was overcome by another one of these habits. So I composed a list of 7 behaviours and 7 replacement habits I could cultivate in their stead. What I intend to do is to have my own 2012 awakening and do my part for global enlightenment by sticking to this throught 2012. It's kind of a challenge, but I think that is the point!

  Anyway here are the lists:
 Behaviours that create unconscious or semi-conscious states:
 1. Listening to my ipod (this is actually one of the piece of electronics that malfunctioned and no longer allows me to update my song list. I am literally stuck in the past when I listen to it..or at least my song choices from 2008).
  2. Playing Video games. This one is pretty difficult for me as I tend to play them to chill out and really enjoy them, plus I don't wish to martyr my enjoyment on the altar of growth. In order to do this I will not play games I have already finished, have not been waiting for or are for the purpose of killing time (and consciousness).
  3. Watching TV shows online. I don't have a problem with a weekly show, but I have fallen into the habit of watching them to pass the time or to distract me while I work on something else. So, like video games, no repeat show watching or for time or consciousness killing.
  4. Browsing Online. This is anything from forums, articles, flash games to craigslist or other supposed "constructive" uses. Facebook would be here if I liked or spent time here!
   5. Eating badly. For me this is sugary or chocolaty snacks mainly. Although some foods make me sleepy which is the same things as lowering my vibration.
   6. Working in jobs that limit my enjoyment. Not that I have such a job now, but I have a tendency to spend huge swathes of time making money at the expense of joy or growth. Realising that these jobs are not beneficial to my consciousness and it's growth should be enough. Such jobs are one in which I am counting down the hours till I finish or make me feel bad about myself and my life.
   7. Oversleeping or dozing. I tend to sleep long and late and will occasionally use dozing or napping as a way to pass time. This is spending time in unconsciousness in its purest form and if I can cut it back to the simple amount my body needs for rest then I will not be wasting opportunities.

Rather than just going cold turkey on them all I have also created a list of things I can do to replace the time that becomes available.

  1. Stretching or exercising. I often feel I have little time to do this, but it is simply not true. What happens is I get stuck in an unconscious or semi-conscious pattern.
  2. Un-distracted artwork (or creative endeavor). I like artwork, but the truth of it is I sometimes find it difficult to do so without a form of distraction (which inevitably gets turned off once I really start). Often finding a suitable distraction will take up more time and energy than the actual creation of the artwork!
  3. Meditation. This is simple enough and always beneficial.
  4. Conversation on enlivening topics. I wanted something on the list that wasn't solitary and would help me avoid listening or partaking in gossip or discussion of people's problems.
   5. Body or Energy work. This includes for myself and others.
   6. Productive or constructive work. From writing blogs, to creating value for my products or services that will eventually benefit others. This may include jobs that are growth inducing or learning new skills (languages, instruments, techniques).
   7. New or enjoyable experiences. Whether this is starting a class, going somewhere interesting or new or trying something different. Providing it is dropped if it is not enjoyable or productive.

  Hopefully I can maintain this, but putting it out there means I have to take it a lot more seriously than if I just wrote it in my journal!
  I believe increasing my own consciousness is a good way accelerate the process of global enlightenment and feel good about myself at the same time.

XV - The Devil

   This is often viewed as one of the most terrible cards in the deck, certainly by anyone with a superstitious or hellfire religiosity. In truth it may simply be that this is one of the more misunderstood cards in the tarot. Does is portend horrible damnation and hell-fire? No, but it does speak to those things that most devoutly minded folks fear, namely drink, drugs, anger, sex, addiction and all the perils of the material world. So, you may ask how does a card that portrays all those things possibly have a positive side?
      Well, a goodly portion of many pagan belief systems incorporate a being that exemplifies and honours those particular traits. Looking at these deities you could easily mistake them for the Christian Devil. I am looking at you Bacchus, Dionysus and Pan. These deities incorporate wild celebration, intoxication and abandon in their portfolios. This was for a very good reason and the reason that modern religions have become stiflingly staid. It was so that these elements could be safely incorporated into life without needing them to explode societally the way that any suppressed material does if not fully accepted. The celebration done in their name could seriously reduce the dangerous pressures that build up within people otherwise. It is the reason that celebration has such a strong dark side in our culture, it's moral non-acceptance.
       The card itself does also have meaning beyond this cultural understanding. It does speak to the dangers of the material world and its seductive power to entrap individuals. The figures in the card are chained to the block the winged creature sits atop, but their shackles are not so tight as to be binding. They could easily escape from their confinement if they chose, simply by slipping off the bindings. But, the pleasures and sensations of the material world often cause people to bind themselves willingly to them in the form of addictions and excesses.
       It may also be noticed that the card is spookily similar to the lovers card and the card's number 15 can be reduced numerologically to 6 (1+5) which is the number of that particular card. This refers to the danger of becoming trapped within unhealthy relationships.
     The card also has connections with Capricorn, as evidenced with the goat like legs of the devilish being. Capricorn is an earth sign and has a strong relationship with materiality. The Devil is also holding a torch which he has held in a downward position, which symbolises illuminating the lower regions of the psyche. His other hand is raised in a gesture which looks like Spock's Vulcan greeting, which in fact is a derivative of a Jewish blessing resembling the hebrew letter "shin" meaning "almighty God". This creates a strange dichotomy in the card in that on one hand he is plunging the light into the lower realms and with the other he has his hand raised as a symbol to God. This can be interpreted thus, he is in fact representing the light-bringer (Lucifer) whom God consigned to the lower realms and is challenging the querent to illuminate their own lower psyche with consciousness (could the Devil actually be a servitor of God you may dare to ask!)
     Above the head of the Devil one can see a five pointed star turned opposite to its usual aspect. When it is aligned like this it means the triumph of matter over the spiritual and is often seen as a symbol of evil. Below the Devil are two naked figures similar to the man and women in The Lovers card, they have horns upon their heads and tails sprouting grapes and fire. They have fallen to their animal nature and have become entrapped by their own inflamed desires and lust for pleasure. They warn of the dangers of indulging too deeply of sensory pleasure.
    The meaning of the card is to understand that we have an lustful, violent, addictive and angry aspect that can enslave us if we either ignore it or indulge in it too deeply. The enlightened individual is able to draw upon this reservoir of power in order to overcome earthly obstacles and to give us passion and drive to do so. They are not beholden, nor chained and can let go once it has surpassed its necessity. It can give us that connection to the earth and the tenacity and capability to ascend to high places, much like Capricorn the goat.
    This card also heavily relates to the base or root chakra and its liberation from reliance on materialism. That is how I have connected to this card. The base chakra is about survival, matter and the sensory world. It is the doorway to the cellular level of our energy system, at which our body is able to directly regulate its health and regeneration.
    I was drawn to this card after I made a break through regarding opening my base chakra. It has proven troublesome over recent years and has resulted in a level of poverty and fear on a material level. As a result my hips have tensed up and have refused to relax making exercise and stretching in particular very difficult. It has been a very long and arduous process and I understand when I begun this that it was related to this card. This insight came to me as I lived in the UK and I began to understand working through the issues contained in this chakra were not going to be an easy or quick fix. To say that what happened recently was the final catalyst for change would take away from the years of inner work that preceded it. I had to get over my dislike of materialism and the patterns that told me that money, career and focusing on daily living were only for the spiritually bereft. I had to move across the world and relocate in the US before I could happily root myself in a place I felt was right for me. I had to face deep fears of abandonment (along with actually being abandoned by my closest friend) and the resulting anger and hatred that this caused. I have been to the depths of the pit, on all levels...physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
     It has given me a great deal in return though. I have my motivation returned, I can connect to my artwork once more and can pursue my dreams. But of late another aspect has begun to finally open up. The physical aspect.
     Last year I made a resolution to be able to return flexibility to my legs and hips, to be able to stretch deeply and to remove the chronic tension. I started the year off with a yoga intensive, but quickly found that although there was some improvement, it was only incremental and would quickly return to its normal soon after I finished exercising. It was as though there was a tightly coiled spring in my hip joints that wouldn't allow any level of flexibility and pushing them only caused pain and tearing. I turned my attention to the deeper causes, the tension and it's mental connections. I understood that as long as the psychological patterns that caused my hips to tense continued to exist any exercise was basically wasted. This I know flies in the face of many people's perceptions of how exercise and particularly yoga works. But halfway through the year I found success when after a particularly deep meditation and some serious contemplation I was able to free up the area around my sacral bone in just one evening. Afterwards I was able to sit cross-legged comfortably for the first time in years. After that I was able to open up my shoulders by working on issues connected with anger and feeling like I was unable to strike out.
      In the past few days I have been able to do the same with the front of my pelvis, allowing me to be able to stretch my legs deeply to either side. This occurred when I meditated and was able to perceive on a cellular level the "feeling" of contraction in my hips and reverse it by connecting to my subconscious and requesting its reversal. It was also psychologically connected to the freedom of my artwork and its previous "tightness".
      This for me represents a massive shift in terms of my comprehension of matter. I no longer feel chained and have the tools to remove the remained of the bindings that have occurred physically over the years. It has also allowed a new level of expertise in my healing work that I feel is yet to be fully understood by myself.
      The Devil card represents such feelings of being bound and trapped by an external force much greater than ourselves. We can struggle for years against the chains of anger, violence and addiction. We can feel hopeless and helpless. We can feel trapped in darkness and unable to free ourselves because we cannot see our bindings. Yet the chance for freedom lies within the grasp of our own consciousness if we can only find the chains that bind us and lift them from us.
      The Devil thrusts the torch downwards to illuminate the figures so they might see their bindings for themselves. He has enticed us and seduced us, yet he offers us the power to remove those bindings if we are only to look. It is us that stay trapped in those cycles, he cares not if we escape and even seeks to aid us if we dare ask our captor..."What binds me?"