2012 and the new awakening

  My monitor died this morning. It didn't happen with a bang, just an almost inaudible buzzing before the screen went black. It is the latest in a series of electronics that have given up on me in the last year. It seems like the universe is trying to give me a message and up until now I don't think I have been listening. The message isn't that technology is doomed and that we are going back to a medieval subsistence farming paradigm (at least I hope not!), it is more personal than that. I think mostly the universe speaks to us in a personal way, about our lives and what we can do to make things better.
   2012 is already upon us and many of us are looking to see something extra-ordinary happen. Whether it is the collapse of the financial institutions to aliens descending from the skies, I think we are all looking for a change in our lives. 2011 was a pretty crappy year for me and I have high hopes for this year. But it is entirely plausible that when 2013 arrives (as it inevitably will) we will look back and wonder what if anything happened. I for one would like to be someone who can say something profound did happen. If I continue to look outside myself for something to happen in order to change my life then I may well be waiting till 2013 and beyond.  Sure, something may happen on an external level and I do think it is time for a change...but I cannot sit and wait for that to occur.
     A fellow blog writer (http://www.jaimemintun.com/) recently wrote that the changes in 2012 are up to us, that we cannot sit and wait for all our wishes to be delivered to us on a plate. I am starting to see the sense in that idea. If nothing does change globally then at least it will have changed personally and I can look back at 2012 and say in all honesty that 2012 brought a great awakening.
      Luckily my monitor has a three year warranty and the nice gentleman at LG said they would even take care of delivery. It is also possible since my current monitor is discontinued that they will supply me with an improved model. None-the-less my days plan has collapsed. As my mind tried to scrabble for what I could do instead, I saw a spark of insight dancing in my being. The day suddenly seemed filled with new possibility, instead of blasting undead with lightning deep underground in the mythical land of Skyrim I could do a myriad of other things. Sure, I would have to stop work on my latest piece of art and also put off completing a teaching manual I was working on, but this ray of light seemed fleeting and would soon disappear if I let it slip from my grasp.
    Another friend of mine writes a blog on truck driving interspersed with philosophical musings (http://isterlings.blogspot.com/) and he recently asked me to give him my opinion on an article related to healing and the dynamics of healing. The article was very long and complex, but one piece stuck in my mind. It was a section on the base chakra (check out the tab at the top for more info on chakras). The interesting part of this article for me was that it related difficulties in the lower chakra to unconsciousness. That once we liberated this unconsciousness, it could be transformed into apathy (the energy of the chakra above) and so on until it was fully released.
     The cord that this struck was that I tend to get pulled back into unconsciousness, or at least semi-conscious states quite regularly. There are a number of different behaviours and habits I have adopted that bring me back out of higher states and lower my vibration. So in the interest of growth I took that spark of inspiration I felt and created a list of all the behaviours that take drag me into states of either unconsciousness or semi-consciousness. Doing this I realised that I needed to do something about this before I was overcome by another one of these habits. So I composed a list of 7 behaviours and 7 replacement habits I could cultivate in their stead. What I intend to do is to have my own 2012 awakening and do my part for global enlightenment by sticking to this throught 2012. It's kind of a challenge, but I think that is the point!

  Anyway here are the lists:
 Behaviours that create unconscious or semi-conscious states:
 1. Listening to my ipod (this is actually one of the piece of electronics that malfunctioned and no longer allows me to update my song list. I am literally stuck in the past when I listen to it..or at least my song choices from 2008).
  2. Playing Video games. This one is pretty difficult for me as I tend to play them to chill out and really enjoy them, plus I don't wish to martyr my enjoyment on the altar of growth. In order to do this I will not play games I have already finished, have not been waiting for or are for the purpose of killing time (and consciousness).
  3. Watching TV shows online. I don't have a problem with a weekly show, but I have fallen into the habit of watching them to pass the time or to distract me while I work on something else. So, like video games, no repeat show watching or for time or consciousness killing.
  4. Browsing Online. This is anything from forums, articles, flash games to craigslist or other supposed "constructive" uses. Facebook would be here if I liked or spent time here!
   5. Eating badly. For me this is sugary or chocolaty snacks mainly. Although some foods make me sleepy which is the same things as lowering my vibration.
   6. Working in jobs that limit my enjoyment. Not that I have such a job now, but I have a tendency to spend huge swathes of time making money at the expense of joy or growth. Realising that these jobs are not beneficial to my consciousness and it's growth should be enough. Such jobs are one in which I am counting down the hours till I finish or make me feel bad about myself and my life.
   7. Oversleeping or dozing. I tend to sleep long and late and will occasionally use dozing or napping as a way to pass time. This is spending time in unconsciousness in its purest form and if I can cut it back to the simple amount my body needs for rest then I will not be wasting opportunities.

Rather than just going cold turkey on them all I have also created a list of things I can do to replace the time that becomes available.

  1. Stretching or exercising. I often feel I have little time to do this, but it is simply not true. What happens is I get stuck in an unconscious or semi-conscious pattern.
  2. Un-distracted artwork (or creative endeavor). I like artwork, but the truth of it is I sometimes find it difficult to do so without a form of distraction (which inevitably gets turned off once I really start). Often finding a suitable distraction will take up more time and energy than the actual creation of the artwork!
  3. Meditation. This is simple enough and always beneficial.
  4. Conversation on enlivening topics. I wanted something on the list that wasn't solitary and would help me avoid listening or partaking in gossip or discussion of people's problems.
   5. Body or Energy work. This includes for myself and others.
   6. Productive or constructive work. From writing blogs, to creating value for my products or services that will eventually benefit others. This may include jobs that are growth inducing or learning new skills (languages, instruments, techniques).
   7. New or enjoyable experiences. Whether this is starting a class, going somewhere interesting or new or trying something different. Providing it is dropped if it is not enjoyable or productive.

  Hopefully I can maintain this, but putting it out there means I have to take it a lot more seriously than if I just wrote it in my journal!
  I believe increasing my own consciousness is a good way accelerate the process of global enlightenment and feel good about myself at the same time.

XV - The Devil

   This is often viewed as one of the most terrible cards in the deck, certainly by anyone with a superstitious or hellfire religiosity. In truth it may simply be that this is one of the more misunderstood cards in the tarot. Does is portend horrible damnation and hell-fire? No, but it does speak to those things that most devoutly minded folks fear, namely drink, drugs, anger, sex, addiction and all the perils of the material world. So, you may ask how does a card that portrays all those things possibly have a positive side?
      Well, a goodly portion of many pagan belief systems incorporate a being that exemplifies and honours those particular traits. Looking at these deities you could easily mistake them for the Christian Devil. I am looking at you Bacchus, Dionysus and Pan. These deities incorporate wild celebration, intoxication and abandon in their portfolios. This was for a very good reason and the reason that modern religions have become stiflingly staid. It was so that these elements could be safely incorporated into life without needing them to explode societally the way that any suppressed material does if not fully accepted. The celebration done in their name could seriously reduce the dangerous pressures that build up within people otherwise. It is the reason that celebration has such a strong dark side in our culture, it's moral non-acceptance.
       The card itself does also have meaning beyond this cultural understanding. It does speak to the dangers of the material world and its seductive power to entrap individuals. The figures in the card are chained to the block the winged creature sits atop, but their shackles are not so tight as to be binding. They could easily escape from their confinement if they chose, simply by slipping off the bindings. But, the pleasures and sensations of the material world often cause people to bind themselves willingly to them in the form of addictions and excesses.
       It may also be noticed that the card is spookily similar to the lovers card and the card's number 15 can be reduced numerologically to 6 (1+5) which is the number of that particular card. This refers to the danger of becoming trapped within unhealthy relationships.
     The card also has connections with Capricorn, as evidenced with the goat like legs of the devilish being. Capricorn is an earth sign and has a strong relationship with materiality. The Devil is also holding a torch which he has held in a downward position, which symbolises illuminating the lower regions of the psyche. His other hand is raised in a gesture which looks like Spock's Vulcan greeting, which in fact is a derivative of a Jewish blessing resembling the hebrew letter "shin" meaning "almighty God". This creates a strange dichotomy in the card in that on one hand he is plunging the light into the lower realms and with the other he has his hand raised as a symbol to God. This can be interpreted thus, he is in fact representing the light-bringer (Lucifer) whom God consigned to the lower realms and is challenging the querent to illuminate their own lower psyche with consciousness (could the Devil actually be a servitor of God you may dare to ask!)
     Above the head of the Devil one can see a five pointed star turned opposite to its usual aspect. When it is aligned like this it means the triumph of matter over the spiritual and is often seen as a symbol of evil. Below the Devil are two naked figures similar to the man and women in The Lovers card, they have horns upon their heads and tails sprouting grapes and fire. They have fallen to their animal nature and have become entrapped by their own inflamed desires and lust for pleasure. They warn of the dangers of indulging too deeply of sensory pleasure.
    The meaning of the card is to understand that we have an lustful, violent, addictive and angry aspect that can enslave us if we either ignore it or indulge in it too deeply. The enlightened individual is able to draw upon this reservoir of power in order to overcome earthly obstacles and to give us passion and drive to do so. They are not beholden, nor chained and can let go once it has surpassed its necessity. It can give us that connection to the earth and the tenacity and capability to ascend to high places, much like Capricorn the goat.
    This card also heavily relates to the base or root chakra and its liberation from reliance on materialism. That is how I have connected to this card. The base chakra is about survival, matter and the sensory world. It is the doorway to the cellular level of our energy system, at which our body is able to directly regulate its health and regeneration.
    I was drawn to this card after I made a break through regarding opening my base chakra. It has proven troublesome over recent years and has resulted in a level of poverty and fear on a material level. As a result my hips have tensed up and have refused to relax making exercise and stretching in particular very difficult. It has been a very long and arduous process and I understand when I begun this that it was related to this card. This insight came to me as I lived in the UK and I began to understand working through the issues contained in this chakra were not going to be an easy or quick fix. To say that what happened recently was the final catalyst for change would take away from the years of inner work that preceded it. I had to get over my dislike of materialism and the patterns that told me that money, career and focusing on daily living were only for the spiritually bereft. I had to move across the world and relocate in the US before I could happily root myself in a place I felt was right for me. I had to face deep fears of abandonment (along with actually being abandoned by my closest friend) and the resulting anger and hatred that this caused. I have been to the depths of the pit, on all levels...physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
     It has given me a great deal in return though. I have my motivation returned, I can connect to my artwork once more and can pursue my dreams. But of late another aspect has begun to finally open up. The physical aspect.
     Last year I made a resolution to be able to return flexibility to my legs and hips, to be able to stretch deeply and to remove the chronic tension. I started the year off with a yoga intensive, but quickly found that although there was some improvement, it was only incremental and would quickly return to its normal soon after I finished exercising. It was as though there was a tightly coiled spring in my hip joints that wouldn't allow any level of flexibility and pushing them only caused pain and tearing. I turned my attention to the deeper causes, the tension and it's mental connections. I understood that as long as the psychological patterns that caused my hips to tense continued to exist any exercise was basically wasted. This I know flies in the face of many people's perceptions of how exercise and particularly yoga works. But halfway through the year I found success when after a particularly deep meditation and some serious contemplation I was able to free up the area around my sacral bone in just one evening. Afterwards I was able to sit cross-legged comfortably for the first time in years. After that I was able to open up my shoulders by working on issues connected with anger and feeling like I was unable to strike out.
      In the past few days I have been able to do the same with the front of my pelvis, allowing me to be able to stretch my legs deeply to either side. This occurred when I meditated and was able to perceive on a cellular level the "feeling" of contraction in my hips and reverse it by connecting to my subconscious and requesting its reversal. It was also psychologically connected to the freedom of my artwork and its previous "tightness".
      This for me represents a massive shift in terms of my comprehension of matter. I no longer feel chained and have the tools to remove the remained of the bindings that have occurred physically over the years. It has also allowed a new level of expertise in my healing work that I feel is yet to be fully understood by myself.
      The Devil card represents such feelings of being bound and trapped by an external force much greater than ourselves. We can struggle for years against the chains of anger, violence and addiction. We can feel hopeless and helpless. We can feel trapped in darkness and unable to free ourselves because we cannot see our bindings. Yet the chance for freedom lies within the grasp of our own consciousness if we can only find the chains that bind us and lift them from us.
      The Devil thrusts the torch downwards to illuminate the figures so they might see their bindings for themselves. He has enticed us and seduced us, yet he offers us the power to remove those bindings if we are only to look. It is us that stay trapped in those cycles, he cares not if we escape and even seeks to aid us if we dare ask our captor..."What binds me?"
   
 

I want never gets, a legacy of guilt.

   I have recently been opening up the rest of my energy system to kundalini energy. I have run into a deadly trap within my own system and it has been holding me up for a long while. Thankfully with help from some of my dreams I am making headway.
    Many years ago I had my first kundalini awakening, I discuss it fully in one of my first posts here. Suffice to say that it only opened up the energy in the upper part of my torso, arms, head and neck included. The energy didn't fully flow down into my lower torso or legs especially around the root chakra. I didn't think much of it at the time as the experience was new to me to begin with. It was only much later that I discovered that the energy within me was not fully balanced.
   The problem became a little more pronounced later, causing me to suffer from a restless leg style side effect which I later discovered were kriyas. The energy was trying to equalize during the sleep cycles or during meditation and it was much too strong to happen without a lot of discomfort and pain.
   This continued for many years and I simply didn't know how to go about resolving it. Other healers were at a loss and the strong physical aspect of it only served to frighten. Recently (within the last year) I managed to discover and resolve the blockage that was causing so much disturbance with deep meditation, relaxation and giving in to the discomfort. There was also a large psychological element along with emotional affects which also needed to be worked on. The problem has not re-occurred and I can now sleep and meditate without this energy spike occurring.
     It seems as though the work on my legs and feet is not quite finished though. The legs and feet correspond to the material world and my connection to it. I still am running into numerous material issues, both financially and health wise. Financially the flow is more of a drip. Health wise, my hips, hamstrings, ankles and the soles of my feet are subject to tension and inflexibility. Both aspects seem a mirror of each other. The major blockage has been resolved, but the pathways are still blocked.
    A few nights ago I had a dream which elucidated the problem. In the dream I was trying to move down a corridor which had several branches. All along the floor were tiny holes from which arrows and needles would fire forth whenever I moved along the corridor. It made moving down the corridor at any speed both painful and difficult. There were several painted pathways on the ground in blue and red and the blue pathways seemed the easiest to traverse.
    It seemed a perfect analogy for the matter at hand. Trying to move energy (or even blood or fluids) through my legs was a painful and slow process subject to pain. The faster I attempted to stretch my legs and hips out the worse it would become. Unfortunately the rate at which it is comfortable to move is too slow and any faster movement causes pain. This, like trying to make headway in my financial life is intolerably slow and not something that can be suffered for the long term. Looking at the problem only served to cause frustration and depression as there seems to be no alternative.
   So, last night I took a walk to Walgreens (a 24hr pharmacy) ostensibly to pick up some hot chocolate and a drink for Zoe so I could give myself some space to think. As I walked through the campus late at night listening to my ipod a thought occurred to me. I believe it was Einstein that stated that "no problem can be solved at the level it was created". This serves well for any situation and I realised that I was looking at the situation all wrong.
   Rather than seeing the traps as the problem to be overcome I needed to regard the entire situation from a higher level. I have been looking at how the situation is defended and not why. My body/mind system is seeking to stop movement along the pathway, especially anything large or fast. So there is a movement of energy, but only in small chunks, or larger ones if I don't mind taking the hits. I had to consider why is this considered a threat that needs to be reduced or eliminated. 
     I knew that I could rely on my subconscious to eventually figure it out, so when I went to bed I took my notebook and a little reading light. It seems that between 1am and 3am is the best time for letting my mind hazily drift over the topics without distraction. Note: I did not think about it, I just let my mind kind of gaze at it...seeing out of the corner of my eye as it were.
    Part of me thought that it was likely to do with success, that maybe I had a fear of success. But this although fitting the scenario did not get any traction. Then I began to consider that achieving success might bring forth unwanted feelings or thoughts. I looked at my own attitude and realised that a part of me just thinks it isn't possible, that regardless of how hard I try things aren't going to work out for me. That I am just doomed to not get what I want. Now this thought rang a bell.
    Many years back when I had my first experience with kundalini I was working on a big issue for me which was finding my voice. I grew up being painfully shy and unable to express myself. In the end it all came down to what I had been reinforced with since I was a small child. It was the phrase "I want never gets". This maxim had been hammered into me as I grew up. If I said the dreaded phrase "I want" I would be berated and told that I was being VERY rude and given sour looks. Obviously I would be racked with guilt if ever such a phrase slipped out of my lips. Instead I had to phrase everything to cause minimum offense and so that my parents could feel okay with denying my wants, since they were no longer wants, but only very polite requests. All and any of my desires ran the risk of being vetoed. I had to be grateful for whatever I got, even if it wasn't what I wanted.
      Now this all where it began to make sense to me. The protective system is in place to save me from actually getting what I want and therefore doing something shameful and bad. I have worked through my issues enough to be able to express those wants and desires, but as for actually getting them? This idea of "I want never gets" has been so deeply inculcated that it literally stops it from occurring. For me it is a deep universal truth and while I may be able to deny its truth on a mental and verbal level, physically and emotionally it is still just as true as when I was 5 years old. My body literally battles against my mind and tries to protect me from shame and guilt. It leaves me with a legacy of never being fulfilled as it would be asking too much from my poor beleaguered parents. A ridiculous and outdated program in my own psyche.
     The key in this is turning those guardian forces around and to have them working for me rather than against me. They no longer need to protect me from guilt and shame, which are always seen as omnipresent threats for undesirable behaviour. Then I could stop projecting these parental figures onto any beings/organisations etc that might hold my well-being in their hands be it people, bosses or even the universe itself! I can say I want and not expect punishment.
    For my full understanding I must look at the reverse side of why someone would say that in the first place. From my own understanding it is from that person's poverty mindset. I feel that reasonable requests and desires are never really outside of the realm of possibility. A parent often feels that they have to provide everything for the child, but this is a fallacy of limited thinking. The parent is only the vessel of transmission from the universe to the child. If the parent believes that their own desires are not being fulfilled by the cosmos, then they are likely to pass on that mindset to the child, even if this is not actually true. My desires as a child were well within the bounds of possibility, often a new toy I really wanted or the gift of time and attention from a parent. My parents had been living in a scarcity mindset and they felt those things were not even achievable. This was not actually true and the few things I really needed would never have broken the bank. If they had taken the time to look at the needs of a family, they may have realised that their lives were out of alignment and found new and more fulfilling ways of living. They each made their choices and placed the burden of guilt upon me as a child for not being a party to their conspiracy of poverty. My desires were punished with guilt and had to be quieted or smothered for the benefit of not upsetting the status quo. If this legacy were theirs alone then this would be a different matter, but I now must spend my time digging up the bones of the past so I can be free of their influence.
     Seeing this, I can now be free of the guilt and shame that I have felt towards myself and start to really consider what to do from hereon out. It was never my guilt and shame, but that of my parents.
     Knowing this I can re-purpose those defenses to protect from further assaults designed to make me feel the  guilt or shame of another. When I feel a desire arise I can then process it and defend it from those who would seek to make me feel ashamed of natural wants and desires. Guilt is a feeling that arises from within and we do not have to accept it from an outside source, so now I can move forward without having to figure out when to defend against being guilted when I don't feel that way.
   
   

Ace of Pentacles. Manifestation.

     The Ace of Pentacles is always a nice card to find emerging from the deck, in this case the card jumped out of the deck while I was shuffling it. When this happens I usually add the card to whatever the reading is.

     The Aces are primal energies in their most potent raw form and the Pentacles are that of Earth energy. 

    The heavenly hand in the card proffers a large coin like Pentacle, which suggests that the universe is giving you a gift of earthy energy. This can come as a new job, a sum of money, a new house or an inheritance.

    Below the hand stands a garden with a pathway that leads to the mountains beyond. Within the garden are growing white flowers, lilies, which symbolise desire in its purest form. The flowers represent the seeds of pure desire coming to fruition.

   It seems that the garden is just the start of the pathway which leads us on and I see this as meaning that this material gift is meant as a means to allow us to begin or continue on our path. 

    This card has sat on my desk for several days as I have waited to see what material gift would be brought my way. It reminded me of the full moon which is present in the sky tonight a symbol of fullness in all its material glory.

    It has given me food for thought though. In Star Tarot Revelations there is a passage which struck me deeply which I will recount here.

    "You are no longer capable of doing work that is not both emotionally satisfying or spiritually nourishing. Receiving this card indicates that you are unwilling to live in the contradiction of inner contentment that is not evident in the outer world; or attainment on the external plane while experiencing dissatisfaction within. You are worthy of having it all - success that manifests physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually."

     For me this is something that speaks strongly to me. Having taken many jobs that do one or the other, I have simply reached the point that I am not capable of working in a way that is not all these things. Sadly, my outer reality has yet to catch up with this inner reality. If I take jobs that are unsatisfying to me I simply become sick or ill and cannot function, coupled with the deep feeling that the situation is not right for me.

   I have come to the point where I have had to test my faith and say no to those jobs that do nothing to nourish me. I am also having to step away from the feelings that keep me tied into these situations, those of unworthiness and desperation.

   Instead I am replacing them with feelings of hope and trust in the universe and the knowledge that these hardships are simply the result of many deeply ingrained patterns being burned away. I know there are still beliefs within me that run counter to what I am doing and I am excavating them on a daily basis so that the flow of abundance will be able to run true.

   At the moment one has become a little more obvious. I have a great book called Heal Your Body A-Z by Louise L Hay (check out the link at the bottom of this entry). Within this book it lists the mental causes for physical illnesses. While not completely exhaustive it does a pretty good job of narrowing the field to find the possible beliefs that play into physical issues. Usually it also requires a little bit of personal detective work to find the specific belief that feels true, even though you know it is not true.

    With me I have found several areas of chronic tension in my legs, muscles that refuse to relax even with direct massage manipulation or yoga. The only way I have discovered to get them to give in and relax is to find the specific belief and re-write it. So far, I have made more progress with this method than going to yoga for a year, even by doing yoga everyday for over a month!

    The latest area to undergo scrutiny is my ankles which always seem to be tense and inflexible. In the book it suggest that the ankles represent the ability to receive pleasure along with guilt. Now straight off it is difficult to immediately pin it down, since there are plenty of ways in which I am happily experiencing pleasure. But with my understanding of the chakras, the lower torso also represents the material plane...and then things start to fall into place. For me the idea that I could possibly receive pleasure while making money is one that seems untrue. Sure, it is ultimately possible for others..but for me? No. All my experiences point to it never working for me. Each new experience seems to compound this idea. But I also understand that while I hold this belief it will NEVER be any other way. 

    Changing a belief before one experiences it as a reality sounds a little ludicrous, but I have seen it work many times before. For me it is going to require a little bit of digging into the past to find exactly where this belief was born, or at least to a situation in which I felt that "Working is a miserable chore" became or was  a reality.   

   But the universe has been generous, we were gifted today with a cooked chicken, a backpack, a new flashlight and a feeling of lightness which I have not felt for a long while. Things are good and will be getting better!

   

   

Dinosaur Dreams

  Last night I had another set of unusual dreams, most likely set off by stretching very late last night and releasing some old tensions.
   The first of the dreams involved dinosaurs, specifically running from and avoiding dinosaurs. I haven't spent time looking at or considering dinosaurs recently so it not a product of outside influence. Yesterday was a good day so terrified running was unlikely caused by any emotional fallout from life.
    The real source then must be the opening stretches., specifically the ones opening the hips. There is a pose in yoga called fixed firm, which involves kneeling and sitting between your heels, you then stretch out backwards on the ground. This is a difficult pose for me because of the hard floor on my knees and I spend most of the time when I go to class just trying to get my knees comfortable in this pose. Last night I did the pose on the bed (which incidentally is not recommended) and this allowed me to relax further into the pose without my knees protesting. This in turn opened up some areas of the pelvis. The pelvis is where much of early childhood armouring is stored, at least up to the age of 7. We are learning to walk, gaining control of our elimination systems and getting the hang of basically being upright all the time.
    When I was young I had a love of dinosaurs. I would collect the little plastic toys, pose them in fights and place small items in their fixed open mouths and imagine being around in dinosaur times. I was terribly disappointed when I discovered that man did not exist at the same time and that my dream of becoming a dinosaur scientist would only ever involve dusting off bones. I am not quite sure what I envisioned a dinosaur scientist would do, but it certainly seemed more exciting than the duties of a paleontologist. My walls were adorned with posters of fearsome T-rexes, Pteradactyls, Stegosauruses and Diplodoci(?) Most of the posters were pretty gruesome and a few may have had the carnivorous ones devouring the bodies of the less fortune leaf eaters.
    I don't recall the content of the dreams, but I do recall my parents telling me I would have constant nightmares about dinosaurs and they thought that if I took the posters down it might help. I, of course wanted no such thing, nightmares or not. I loved the dinosaurs regardless of whether they terrified me or devoured me in my dreams.
   I periodically have dreams with dinosaurs in them and they usually have the same kind of quality a Jurassic Park style running for survival. The connection to my childhood cannot be overlooked. I cannot access what caused me to have such terrifying nightmares, but as an adult I do not it is not likely it was not the posters. The symbolism of the dreams suggest running for survival from something much bigger, deadlier and fearsome than myself. Something that cannot be reasoned with, nor safely confronted...something beyond my scope to deal with. As a child one could imagine that the world must seem like that at times, as if one is confronted by fearsome forces that threaten our very survival and that as a child there is no way to deal with this without outside help.
    It is possible that there may well have been elements in my life at that time that felt very much like that. It is likely an encroachment from the adult world. I know my parents were young and worked very hard to support my sister and I, and the awareness of the danger of our situation may have imprinted itself on my young mind. As a youngster, my psyche may well have projected these fears onto other elements that appeared fearsome, terrifying and without mercy. An element that I was able to understand...dinosaurs. I know that when life seems merciless I have these dreams again. It provides a background of terror to my normal peaceful life, usually so slight as to be imperceptible. That there are elements to life that are still monstrous to me and they are usually connected to the idea of survival.
    The second part of the dream involved a figure so black that he appeared as a hole in which all light disappeared. Shadow is not strong enough to describe his essence and there was a feeling of foreboding about him. The context was a slideshow of images flashing before my consciousness, usually of houses and families, but I noticed this figure stood in the background, or at a window. It was scary and caused me to wake and there was a sense that his presence still remained. This element I have not fully examined, although it is possible that it is a being of some sort and/or a representation of the blackest part of my own shadow (in the Jungian sense).
    While I speak of dinosaurs and foreboding feelings there was a strange situation I would like to recount. A few years ago when I was living in the southwest of the UK, a friend went for a job interview in Bristol and I accompanied her for morale support. While she was interviewing I went for a walk and ended up at a museum there in the city, I went in primarily to see the Egyptian section. As typical museum style this section was closed for refurbishment and so I ended up looking at the dinosaur bones. The very first exhibit was a skull from a Liopleurodon, this is a massive sea predator was estimated to be over 30 foot in length.

       As I approached the exhibit I began to pick up on the energy of the skull. Usually I only sense energy if I chose to or if the signature is very powerful. There was a palpable sense of malevolence emanating from the skull, an almost malicious glee. I had never considered that these creatures may have been capable of anything but the most rudimentary instincts, but here I could sense this energy coming from the skull. It struck me as unusual that an energy residue would last for such a period of time, but then again I have hardly spent much time around skulls.
      I was intrigued and opened myself up to sensing such things and walked through the rest of the exhibit looking at the other bones. Strangely I felt nothing, all the other bones seemed inert. After I had looked at the rest of the displays I returned and still felt the malevolence from the original skull. With further examination I saw a small plaque by the other displays that stated that all the other "bones" in the displays were plaster replicas and that the only genuine article was the Liopleurodon skull in the display case.
    I am not sure what to think of this, only that these massive beasts may have been the equivalent to mass murdering dolphins and that they may have derived some murderous pleasure from being the greatest hunters of the sea.
 
 

Motivation and Kundalini

 In the previous post Kundalini Surges I had talked about how I had been suffering from the jolting pains of a kriya in my legs and lower torso. A kriya for the uninitiated is a forcing of energy through the energy meridians which has the purpose of clearing out lower vibrational debris in one push. This is similar to a low capactity wire trying to take a higher voltage. It literally burns away the resistance or punches it out of the way. A kriya doesn't have to be painful, but sometimes pain can accompany it, especially if there is a great deal of resistance. The closest example can be when one falls asleep at night and wakes up with a jolt when consciousness returns to the body and you get the feeling you just tripped or fell, although the kriyas occur during wakefulness and often without letting up. This can in some situations be mistaken for nerve damage or sciatica if it occurs in the legs (not that these can't accompany a kriya!).

     Anyway, these kriyas have been with me for a long time and only recently did I get to a point in which I have actually been making significant progress. I found that the jolting actually originated in my sacral area and would cause my legs to jerk spasmodically if I relaxed too much. Nothing really helped, although I did find laying on my side and letting it get on with it for a few hours meant that I would fall into a deeply restful sleep afterwards. Never-the-less it didn't resolve the issue, it just meant it passed through and the tension returned as soon as it got the chance. The actual root issue was not touched and therefore no real healing would occur. Letting it do its thing did give me an acceptance of the process though, which was invaluable as I could start to look at where the root was.

     The breakthrough came a few weeks ago and although there a great number of periphery issues that tied into this(such as my creative block), there has been one major block that needed to go first. A seemingly separate problem actually also found resolution with this too. In order to fully understand the situation, this needs to be discussed. 

     I had previously found it very difficult to motivate myself. Now, this may seem like a common complaint and in many ways this is what stopped me from fully giving it the credence that it deserved. But the best way to describe this was as though every action I wanted to take, I had a resistance to. As if I had to overcome this barrier every time I wished to do something. Now, the barrier to me doing things wasn't particularly tall or hard to bypass, but it did require me to apply my willpower to do so and over the course of a day would become prohibitively costly. This gave people the impression that I was lazy or not really wanting to try hard enough..which actually could not be further from the truth. It was as though I had 100 points of willpower to assign during a day and every action regardless of how hard or easy would require an extra 10 points to begin with. This was outside of the regular cost of the task. On the upside, it has given me quite a heroic level of willpower, the sad thing was that I had to use this to achieve even a standard level of accomplishment. Any particularly difficult task might leave me exhausted and unable to act for a while afterward while I recovered. This lack of motivation only seemed to occur when it came to material or worldly tasks, mental or emotional issues seemed to not be part of this. I had been aware of this difficulty for some time now, but had been clueless as to how to actually resolve the matter. They say that being aware is half the battle, but sometimes it is just the easier half. 

     Another factor has been the financial situation I have found myself in. I had to leave my job for many different reasons and this left my wife Zoe taking the burden of keeping up with the bills and everyday costs. Even though I have been working on things that really needed working on, because of the aforementioned issue it has meant that she had been carrying more than her fair share. When I tried to do more than I could handle, then I would get burned out too and this was not a good situation for us. 

     This confluence of forces pushed me into a place I have been many times before and a place I have not particularly enjoyed. I felt powerless and unable to remove myself from the situation which I viewed as untenable and unfair. At this point I began to recognise something in myself that I didn't particularly like the look of. I regularly state that in order to move down the road of self-discovery one must have the courage to face the darker parts of oneself, but this is often harder to put into practice than simply to state.

    I started to see that I supported myself with other people, that through my own inability to stand for whatever reason I was taking advantage, albeit unknowingly of others. This had happened financially and physically  in all quarters of my life, often getting people to take up my slack with chores or tasks. It is a very ugly part of myself to face and one which I am not at all proud of. As soon as I recognised this I was hit with a terrible wave of self-loathing and disgust at my own inability. Why couldn't I get a job? Why would I let someone else take the strain for me? Why was I just so damn weak? 

     I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to practice meditation, since this allowed me to pull my awareness out of this poisonous swamp of negativity and watch it swirl past and through me. As soon as I had opened Pandora's box then this negativity was free to come out and flow into the world at any point I was even reminded of my powerlessness. I realized that it was feeding itself, simply by the sheer fact that I would feel even more disgust at my disgust and so forth. I noticed a pattern within it that it was usual for it to occur later in the evenings, just before I would attempt to sleep. This was usually when the kriyas would be worst. So in evening I would let the feelings flow through me and try not to get attached, to feel that it was the old negative karma leaving my body. That this was the swamp of my inertia was the insight that occurred to me.

      One evening a few nights after the first recognition of this and an hour or so after the feelings had moved through me. I decided to see if I could get to the root of this, I felt weighed down and heavy from all the feelings that had been moving through me and so it was easy for me to slip into a deep reverie. I asked where all this was coming from and I became aware of a triangle shape in my sacral area and memories arose. When I was still very young I recall that I had issue with wetting the bed after an age when it should no longer have been an issue. My memory was of my parents coming to take my sister and I from our beds and to the bathroom. This generally occurred late at night, often before they were going to bed and was as regular as clockwork. I recall a feeling coming up that "I can't do it" and being too young to articulate this sentiment to my parents, along with not wanting to disappoint them. This, I realised was what was re-occurring every time I was attempting to do something that had a material component! I was having to use my willpower to overcome this childhood concern, which had become so deeply embedded that I was unaware of its influence. 

     I recall I moved into Child's pose (a yoga position) and I could literally feel the knot of tension in my sacral bone. I relaxed the area and informed myself that I was an adult and did not need to hold onto this concern, that I was capable of discerning and putting forth my own needs. All of a sudden there was a rush of feeling and energy and a pop from the bones in the area. I understood my body was simply one large circuit, with thoughts or energy passing from my head to my feet. If my energy stayed within my head, or in my emotional body then there was no resistance, but if it need to pass down into materiality...into the world then it was running into the band of resistance around my pelvis.

     With this done, all of a sudden I did not have the barrier to bypass any longer. It is now simple for me to choose what I want to do and to do it... it is immensely liberating. I no longer feel I can't do it. The self loathing still occurs from time to time, but I feel I am still releasing myself from all the constraints and networks I am in, so I am gentle with myself. 

     I also realised that the time in which I suffered from the Kriyas the most was also the same time in the evenings when as I child I would have been taken to use the bathroom. My body was still reacting as a 6 or 7 year old child, waiting for permission or forcing myself when I was not ready.

    It is not an easy practice, but I am grateful for the process. There are times when waves of self-loathing will hit when I see what I have asked of others because of my inability. I am still extricating myself from the deeply held patterns of dependence on others and I do my best to remain compassionate towards myself throughout.  What is most amazing is the lifting of the barrier that had defined so much of my world. On one hand it saddens me because I wonder about all the opportunities I never had the energy to pursue, the relationships that collapsed because of my unconscious lethargy and who I might have been without this restraint. Yet, it also give me hope that I might still become that person and that I will have the energy to meet those opportunities. Before it would not have been possible for me to continue a blog while exercising, keeping in touch with old friends and cultivating new options and for that I am grateful.