Forgiveness and releasing grudges

  Last night I had a dream. In the dream I found myself in a village and in the village centre I saw all the townsfolk at war with each other. At first I wondered why they would be fighting and then I saw the cause. Above them hovered a gigantic spectral skull and I knew that they fought because of this apparition.  I knew that if I could vanquish this spectre then the people would be free and would no longer turn upon their neighbours. So I gave chase to the skull and used a bow and arrows that had appeared in my hands to try and destroy it. Each time I was about to deliver the final blow it would round a corner and I would not be able to line up a shot. At this point I awoke from sleep the skull still at large.
    Now you may wonder what this has to do with forgiveness and grudges, but stay with me and it will become apparent.
    Many years ago I my trust in a dear friend was betrayed. This single event has been a catalyst for me in coming to terms with many great and difficult issues for me. From this I have learned to get in touch with my anger and to understand what it is to stand up for one's own integrity. Her subsequent disappearance forced me to deal with this on an internal level since it could not play itself out in the world. Forgiveness has been out of reach for me and an earlier acceptance would have meant an avoidance of those very aspects which had caused the situation in the first place.
   Yet I find that I do not have a complete sense of peace in my heart. I doubt that the person in question will ever come forward and apologise. So is my sense of peace dependent on the fickleness of another? Forgiveness has always come easy to me until now and I had never known it was so easy because my sense of self worth and integrity had allowed my feelings to be walked upon without raising an objection. How much more difficult it becomes once one has stood for their own worth.
    One of the most difficult pieces of the puzzle is how to let go without going backwards, without offering acceptance for behaviour I know is un-acceptable. Yet without a form of acceptance there is no peace. How does one go forward in love without losing self worth and integrity or lining oneself up for repeat situations?
  In the dream the people war with one another because of this spectre of the past. I let it escape because of my own fears of what will occur once it no longer exists.
   I know that I don't wish to wait till judgement day to find my peace once more..it is too long a wait. It surely cannot rest upon the acquiescence of another even if one hopes for that. I read on forgiveness yesterday and was struck my several accounts of forgiveness. One was a priest who was beaten daily for his faith and he had advised that one must forgive entirely, that not one shred must be left. Another stated that you must forgive so entirely that the other must be allowed to save face and you cannot hold anything against them, not in word, action, attitude or posture. Visualising this for me caused me a great deal of difficulty, how so much I want the other to understand the damage done. Yet while I do this they still posses an element of power over me.
   It seems that forgiveness is the only way to fully release that, to return to my power in love. Yet one must also hold to one's course, to one's boundaries or all is lost and the lesson is lost. This situation also holds true for other situations in which grudges are held. Holding out for an acknowledgement from one who is unrepentant, unaware or unwilling is a fool's errand. This process is a delicate one and requires that each step along the road must be taken in fullness and not bypassed because one understands where the final step lays. Going through the anger, the pain and all the scars is necessary to grow as fully as possible. Any little left uncleansed remains with us and arriving at forgiveness prematurely is just as dangerous as never arriving at all.
   I have been arriving at that place in myself in which I can feel love for those that have wronged me, yet be able to see, free of judgement that they are damaged and not feel the need to push that upon them. Each person is necessarily at a different point and for some no less than exclusion is necessary to maintain my boundaries comfortably. Others I could allow back into my life if they wished it so, with loving conditions. There is a teasing apart of all that comprises each relationship and understanding where the boundaries need to lay and it is a process that has to rely only on my own inner authority.
   

XX - Judgement

  The Judgement card is one that is easy to mistake the meaning of. It's the title and the heavily christian allegorical symbolism that can throw one off. If you are looking at Judgement in terms of the judiciary meaning then take a look at the Justice card, it is not about crime and punishment.
   What is immediately obvious to anyone with more than a passing relationship to the Book of Revelations is that the symbolism...the angel blowing the trumpet, the dead arising and a possible tidal wave in the background, is striking.
    Rather than meaning an actual end of the world "Judgement Day", it is about our own personal reckoning.
    The card is speaking of soul fragments that have either "died" or become trapped being raised from their confinement. In the journey of the Fool, when he encounters this particular situation it is when he must face the parts of himself that have become lost, trapped or relegated to the past. The clarion call of the angel resurrects the parts of himself that have been left behind so they can be re-united in wholeness.
    The idea of facing parts of our past we want to have buried can be somewhat disturbing. We may have buried them for a reason...or so we feel. They may be associated with terrible times, traumatic events or feelings of deep shame or denial. They may even be happy parts that we no longer feel we have a right to, or that belong to another time, or are so polluted with attachments to bad memories we don't want to look.
     Drawing this card has meant for me a long hard look at the choices and difficulties in my own life. I have worked heavily on this area, but I could feel something birthing through the process. It forced me to consider my relationship with Zoe in a honest and straight forward light. We have a great relationship, but there are elements that could be improved upon. Elements we both need to be happy with ourselves and with each other.
      Many years ago Zoe lost a very important person to her. She felt a great connection to him, so when he passed away suddenly it left a hole in her life. They were both in their teens and so it was very unexpected and shocking. It didn't help that Zoe was going through several already difficult experiences in her family life at the time, or that there were elements that made her feel indirectly responsible for his passing. For her the joy and excitement of teenage feelings were stripped away in a horrifying manner leaving a void and a powerlessness in their wake. So, for her those happy feelings are tainted with the circumstances in which they were lost and resurrecting them can seem like a disturbing consideration. Talking about the situation alone is enough to bring tears to her eyes.
     In the struggle for wholeness, we cannot leave any parts of ourselves behind. For in truth, there is a part of us forever living that trauma and that deeply affects the quality of our lives and the relationships we form with others. A certain level of bravery is required to face our fallen pieces, to see our choices, our mistakes, where we fell and where we were hurt. We all like to believe we are infallible and seeing our loss reminds us of our humanity. But those pieces deserve to enjoy freedom, to be able to step out of their confinement, because they are us and if we do not care for us...who will?
       The angel on the card is often described as being Gabriel and I feel this is appropriate. When I first worked with someone to retrieve a piece of their childhood that had been torn away by abuse, it was the image of Gabriel who wrapped his wings around the injured child and carried them from the site.
      The flag that flies from his trumpet is reminiscent of the English flag, the symbol of Saint George. Saint George was a knight who was famed for rescuing an imprisoned damsel from a dragon. While we may in our modern minds chuckle at what seems an outdated act of chivalry, there is a greater truth to the story we must consider. We must all become the knight who rescues those imprisoned pieces from the dragons of past. This world needs more than ever people who are unafraid to face their inner demons and claim their souls back. It is this call to action that Gabriel is sounding with his trumpet.
       In the Book of Revelations there is talk of seven seals and seven angels with their trumpets. These I feel are analogous with the chakras and the call to open these seals, to raise the dead from their restless slumber is to bring about a new age of wholeness after our own personal reckoning. We need more than ever to forgive ourselves for failing, for being hurt and to reject our imprisonment. The mountains are behind us and to be whole we must make peace with all our pasts.

X - Wheel of Fortune

     This mysterious card the Wheel of Fortune is one of the more enigmatic cards in the Major Arcana. It is usually simplified into "luck" and seen as a benevolent card to arrive in a reading. It is regarded as heralding a change of fortune, usually for the better. How this can be conferred from the symbolism is hard to grasp.
      The card itself is bursting with images, symbols and occult looking glyphs. These can be decoded with some understanding and I will elucidate their meanings for you shortly.
     I really wanted to get to the bottom of this card as it has been sat on my desk and at my bedside table while I have pondered it's meaning. My own life has been under going some changes recently and I would hope that the changes are for the better. It has felt as though the wheel that has been stuck for so long has begun it's inexorable movement forward out of inertia.
   The disk in the centre of the card is what first draws most people's attention. It is a bright fiery red orange contrasting against the blue of the sky, the image being representative of the workings of heaven. Upon the wheel are various glyphs. We have on the outer disk the letters "T" "A" "R" "O" which follow around one full cycle to form Tarot...also Tora(h) and Rota can be gained as well as a few more esoteric forms. Interspersed with these letter are the hebrew letters which form the Tetragrammaton for the name of the God of Israel (YHWH).
      The inner circle has delineations representing the eight seasons depicted in various pagan and oriental calendars. These lines are also shown covering the four basic alchemical substances (Water, Mercury, Sulphur and Salt) which sit in the cardinal directions.
       This all adds up to a lot of symbolism pointed at calenders and complete systems with multiple components or facets making up the whole. The whole card it seems is based on complete cycles, whether it is the elements, seasons, humours, astrology or numerology (10 is the beginning of a new cycle and entrance into double digits).
        When I became ten years old, it felt like I had entered an entirely new realm. There was nothing particularly tangible about it, but I knew that I would never have a single digit age again. It was a rite of passage that once passed could not be rescinded. We all go through certain cycles and there is little we can do to change these things, they are part of the fabric of our universe. The seasons come and go, people are born, grow old and then they die. We are powerless before the wheel of time.
        We see on the card Anubis the Jackal headed God of the afterlife on the underside of the wheel, occupying a position beneath common consciousness. His role was as a guardian and protector of the dead in Egyptian mythology.  He was also given the role of judge over the souls of the dead, before it was passed on to Osiris. He also appears as a bright red, linking him with the wheel and the process of karma, judgement and the cycling of the souls onto their rightful destinations. This implies that the wheel itself is somewhat driven by karma and it will bring into being what you have sown, the judge being that of the unconscious.
         Atop the wheel sits a sphinx, she is a bright blue and is an amalgamation of the four fixed astrological signs who sit in the corners of the card (Leo, Aquarius, Scorpio and Taurus). Curiously she doesn't possess wings and the elemental beings do. The sphinx holds a sword and sits in balance atop the wheel, linking her to the attribute of mind and thought. In her I see a link to the balanced forces of heaven, a conjunction of all the elements in balance sat above the wheel. She is a master of all the elements and even of karma itself. She points to the great secret that frees you from the wheel of karmic fortune, of being aligned with heavenly forces and not being ruled by astrological influences and yet being ultimately a part of them. The lack of wings is a symbol of her choice to remain upon the wheel and the blue is her connection to the throat chakra and living in alignment.
        On the descending side we see a golden coloured snake. Snakes are a symbol of wisdom and the gold is representative of wealth. The snake brings the wisdom of the workings of the universe gathered by the four astrological signs down into the material world. This is where the good luck and wealth aspects of the card really come in. The snake has already passed the apex and is descending to earth bringing with it good fortune and great wisdom. By this we can see that the wheel has already been set in motion, that the good karma, wisdom in past actions and alignment with cosmic forces has created a beneficial aspect.
         So as to be complete the four astrological signs all sit in their corners studying books of wisdom. They are being filled with knowledge about their respective positions in the universe and they will eventually reach enlightenment (The World card).
         The Wheel of Fortune has a very heavy esoteric bias, but most people are happy to see this card as good luck without understanding the mechanisms for its creation, which are all written here upon this key. In the end there will be no need for luck as one will be free to align with whichever stars happen to be favoured, rather than being tied to one's own.
        I am not there yet, so I am simply happy to receive this card, to know that the wheel is turning and all the good I have put into play will return to me. Coincidentally (or not), it is interesting to note that I drew this card one calender year from the end of the current cycle in the Mayan calender in 2012...spooky!
     
 

Giving the benefit of the doubt

  Relaxing in the bath and musing over the events of the day I had a little Eureka moment of my own.
  What I had been musing on was a phrase I tend to use often which is "giving someone the benefit of the doubt". I hadn't really considered this phrase before even though I use it fairly regularly and it has become a dictum by which I try and live my life.
   The dictionary defines it as "to believe something good about someone, rather than something bad, when you have the possibility of doing either". I tend to do this as a matter of course, believing it to be a fair and gentlemanly way to conduct oneself. Lately however I have a feeling that this modus operandi is not working in my favour.
    If I am unbalancing the scales in someone's favour, then it can hide all number of deceits that individual may perform. Surely fairness is better than offering a skewed scale, even if it is one that would seem to favour peaceful resolution (and possible conflict avoidance). Provided that the individual never tips the scale beyond a certain point, then it is likely I will not do anything to redress the balance.
   The maxim certainly doesn't seem very effective when the person in question is someone who tends to operate by sowing doubt about their actions. By creating a reasonable doubt they can hide all number of ills, when my gut is telling me the opposite.
    I have begun to consider that people who sow doubts, especially in yourself are usually up to no good. The margin of error I give them may well be the inch of rope I hang myself with. Most actual reasonable people do not give regular reason to doubt them or their motives and if they do they are more than willing to come clean and unashamedly open themselves up to scrutiny.
    This of course only needs to occur when a person gives you a reason to doubt them or their motives and if they prove themselves to be true, then an apology is often unnecessary.
      In my own life and the life of people around me recently I have seen a slew of people trying to shift blame and to place seeds of doubt in others. This is especially effective if the victim has a strong sense of conscience as a highly conscientious person does not wish to be placing blame on another without sufficient evidence. The people involved in doing so have used a number of different tactics to achieve their aims such making the victim responsible for their own bad treatment, creating a sense of reasonable doubt, asking for evidence and many other tactics.
    Zoe and I have recently been watching a slew of crime shows from the obsessive compulsive Monk, to the little Belgian (Poirot) and our recent pleasure is Castle. One thing I have gleaned from the shows is that when the murderer starts talking about evidence he is clearly guilty of something. The detectives in the shows cannot afford to give the benefit of the doubt as reasonable doubt plays into every situation they are in. Of course at the end, evidence is necessary to create the case and put the guy/girl away, but they seek evidence from all parties, including the innocent parties. If this is obstructed then there is a reason to be suspicious.
    Often in my life I find that I am easily thrown off by a profession of innocence or a person creating doubt, rather than a lack of a evidence. In fact I would go so far as to say I ignore evidence to make things fit into a situation in which there will be no wrongdoing.
   Maybe this comes from my belief that all people at their core are good. This I do feel truly, even if the person is not aware of it, but I have failed to take into account that the person who feels that way will act in accordance with their beliefs. If a person believes that they are bad, that the universe is unfair or that they have to get one up on others to survive, they will act in accordance with this regardless of whether it is true or false. They will seek to perpetuate their belief systems because they believe them to be true. I can't rely on that core level of goodness to help me out, because that person is not in touch with that element of themselves. I am not here to prove them wrong, but I can take steps to avoid being stung by such pessimists by recognising their ability to act in accordance with their core beliefs regardless of their veracity.
    This little insight into human behaviour has just given me the ability to look at situations without a bias towards the positive..which believe it or not...is a positive thing!
   
 
 

Cutting attachments

  We often hear about cutting ties and attachments and it is done with alarming regularity within our culture. Certainly within the healing community the practice of cutting away negative attachments is very popular. Is this really necessary all the time? In some cases is it even possible?
   Before we get into the nitty-gritty of cord cutting, I want to explain what these cords actually are. When we meet with another individual we often connect to that person and this happens on more than a metaphorical level. When we connect with another individual, be it social, romantically or through our work we create a bond that stretches from one person to another. These invisible filaments of light go from our chakras to theirs, the chakra that connects determines in which area of our life we feel connected.
    Ideally lovers connect primarily through the heart, but we can also make intellectual and emotional connections just as easily. People we feel strongly connected to are often attached at more than one chakra and those we feel little connection to may only have a single attachment if any. Through these cords we pass energy to one another which dictates the type of relationship that occurs.
      The cords themselves have as much variety as the energy fields, some are like fluid light, others are as thick and pliable as old rope. At best they are a beautiful way to communicate our energies with other beings, free of restriction and like a profound network of light. At worst they can feel like toxic hoses that drain you of your energy or pump you full of poison. Mostly they are a combination of both.
     When lovers or friends part amiably, the cords naturally detach over a period of time so that new connections can be made. If they part on bad terms, it can feel as if something has literally been wrenched out of you..this is especially painful when it occurs in the heart and often takes a good chunk of your energy to boot. This wrenching can cause all types of problems if it doesn't heal well and many times people's heart have the old remnants of attachments still embedded where they have been unable to let go fully.
    The way in which we attach and detach cords is a function of how we have learned to do so in the past, which of course leaves the door open for a lot of less than ideal situations. Some people, in order to maintain their own "power" will tear their cords out when they leave (fearing the same might happen to them), leaving a trail of damaged individuals in their wake claiming it is their own fault for not being able to handle the situation. Others will not have the strength to be so brutal and maintain toxic connections long past their sell by date.  Some will refuse to connect because they understand their own destructiveness and try and "protect" the other while covertly sapping the energy of those who try and connect. There are those who will try and connect with everyone and you can feel their tentacles searching for a purchase.
     As you can imagine, families are often the worst case scenarios for bad connections. We are born connected...quite literally! From there we build our understandings of how and when to connect and what types of connections to maintain and which to get rid of.
     This process is a mostly unconscious one and so at some time or another we are all guilty of one or more of these types of behaviour. It is not a case of berating ourselves or others for doing so, but uncovering the reasons why it occurs within ourselves and cultivating more conscious relationships.
      But what about the toxic cords? How is one to deal with these once they are discovered. A great deal of sources will say that it is best to simply cut all toxic connections and walk away and in some cases this really is the best way to deal with a negative attachment. But quite often I will see that a cord does not want to be cut, it literally will reform the moment it is sliced. From this I can see that there are deeper issues that need to be considered, or lessons to be learned.
     There are also other ideas to consider. How many times do we hear the phrase "We are all connected"? Quite a few times I'll wager, especially if you have devoted any time to self development or spirituality. I wonder how we can all be connected if people are constantly trying to cut themselves off from those parts of the universe that they don't want to be associated with. So, do we simply cut ourselves off from everyone who doesn't agree with our world view or our ideas of positivity? Then there is karmic considerations and please don't think that means you HAVE to stay connected to someone who is really not right for you! With Karmic considerations there are certain individuals that you have made agreements to work with through multiple lives and simply cutting the cord and walking away means you are abandoning that agreement. There is no inherent good or bad choice, but there are always consequences for our actions. Abandoning a friend in need because we are sick of their negativity is a lost opportunity for healing.
     Of course there are times when the cord reforms simply because a part of you is not ready to let go, be it some damaged part or your higher self with an eagle eye view of the situation.
     The best course of action is to put a truly heart felt request out to your inner self to resolve the situation or attachment.  If you don't feel this is working, or you can't feel that then there are other methods I would recommend before the fateful cutting of a cord.
    Communicating the issues is always the first port of call and it is amazing how often we bypass this, authentically speaking our feelings in a non-judgmental way can work wonders. With communicating we both have to honour our truth, but we also have to bear in mind the awareness level of the recipient or what they may have difficulty hearing. Anyone will have a hard time hearing that they sap someones energy and only the most conscious individuals will be able to hear that and do something about it without freaking out. Let them know how their actions impact you and what could be done to improve things so that you are both happy and feel nourished.
    Some people of course will still refuse to hear it and place the responsibility back upon you. There is a school of thought that espouses the idea that we are all responsible for our feelings, while this is well intentioned and speaks to the highly evolved beings we wish to become, there are certain energetic realities to contend with before we reach that point.  Each persons actions affect those around them and there is a level of responsibility for those actions. As an example, jumping into a no diving swimming pool causes a wave to spread from your point of impact. You would not say that a splashed person was responsible for the wave soaking them and while a small part of them bears a fragment of responsibility for their presence on earth and in that pool, it is trifling compared to the person doing the splashing. This splashing can occur on an emotional level and setting a boundary for how much you wish to be splashed is perfectly acceptable, just let the person know that their continued action may have you leaving the "pool".
     Another is a little more complex but is an ideal solution if it can be implemented. Toxic attachments require two points of connection, one within your energy field and one within theirs. If you raise the vibration of your point of entry and the cord, this forces the other to do the same to maintain the connection or it drops away no longer having a point of purchase. In laymans terms what you need to do is find out how and why it is affecting you in such a way and work on increasing your awareness about the issue. When the issue no longer affects you, they will not be able to attach to it.They will either evolve with it, or they will find another outlet that is not so difficult to reach (which may or may not be in you).
      This is the optimal approach as it encourages healing, fosters understanding and connection and serves as an unparalleled opportunity for personal growth.  Just remember that you need to set workable boundaries in order for this to function.
       Cutting the cord is always an option of course, but don't be surprised if another situation just like the last crops up again...

XI-Justice. Part 2. Judgement and Intolerance

Yesterday I pulled the Justice card from the deck and talked about Karma and my views upon it. It seems that the card still has more to share as I spent time this morning in meditation and several pertinent issues arose for me.
   The issue of judgement is one that naturally arises when one considers any form of justice. The phrase "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven" is a biblical quote from Luke. This falls in with what I was talking about in my last posting, that what you create returns to you.
   During my meditation this morning I suddenly became aware of a hypocrisy within the way that I live and it was related to the idea of judgement and intolerance.
    I find it difficult to be tolerant of issues cropping up in others that I have already worked through. My patience for dealing with such things seems to be limited as though part of me is saying "What? You haven't learnt this already?". Even if I only just figured it out myself in that moment! It is like I suddenly flip to having known it all along and become frustrated with the ignorance of the person still struggling for clarity... I am aware of how silly and irrational this is..now at least. 
   Yet at the same time if I haven't figured something out yet, I will plead for clemency and ask for more understanding from the judging person. It is as though I embody both the judge and the accused. It is though I can see myself in both roles, I judge a person ignorant, condemn them for it and I am merciless until they are proven "innocent" by overcoming the ignorance. At the same time in the other role I find it hard to overcome certain obstacles and encounter a cold judgement from what seems the universe until I figure it out. Often being placed in a type of purgatory until I can remove the difficulty.
    Seeing it this way allows me to understand the judge within me that is also the accused party. I can sense the energy of judgement within me and in return I find myself judged, all on an internal level. This in turn affects how I live my life in the world and the way that it reacts to me.
    Others in my life have pointed this hard judgement out to me before, but I have not been able to understand  it on a deep enough level and so I have faced their judgement...which in turn is only a reflection of my own self.  The key to this..the antidote energy as it were, is compassion and understanding. I need to be able to see myself in the role of the accused and feel an empathy for their struggle. To be able to reach out a hand to those that still suffer in compassion rather than judgement and in doing so the world will lend a hand to me out of the same feeling. 
     Because I understand now the mechanisms that underlie the issue, when the feelings of intolerance and judgement arise in me once more, then I can note them and move beyond them to treat the situation with compassion and understanding. This will help reprogram my own patterns and I will be able to avoid getting stuck that groove again. 
    Looking back over how I deal with myself I see that I sentence myself to periods of purgatory until I "learn", rather than rehabilitating myself with more positive behavioural methods. The judicial system is alive within me it seems...thank goodness  I don't practice capital punishment for my inmates! 
    There is also another part that is still unresolved which is preventing me from closing this blog just yet. It is the way in which I treat the inmates I guess and maybe even than I see them as inmates. I don't wish for my life to resemble a correctional facility for unruly elements. It is in trying to find a balance with helping these elements grow and reach their potential without placing them in confinement until they reach maturation. Ideally each element would be loved and nurtured regardless of their unruly nature but firmly prevented from ruling or governing any other parts until they have reached the point they can successfully do so without causing harm.