I want never gets, a legacy of guilt.

   I have recently been opening up the rest of my energy system to kundalini energy. I have run into a deadly trap within my own system and it has been holding me up for a long while. Thankfully with help from some of my dreams I am making headway.
    Many years ago I had my first kundalini awakening, I discuss it fully in one of my first posts here. Suffice to say that it only opened up the energy in the upper part of my torso, arms, head and neck included. The energy didn't fully flow down into my lower torso or legs especially around the root chakra. I didn't think much of it at the time as the experience was new to me to begin with. It was only much later that I discovered that the energy within me was not fully balanced.
   The problem became a little more pronounced later, causing me to suffer from a restless leg style side effect which I later discovered were kriyas. The energy was trying to equalize during the sleep cycles or during meditation and it was much too strong to happen without a lot of discomfort and pain.
   This continued for many years and I simply didn't know how to go about resolving it. Other healers were at a loss and the strong physical aspect of it only served to frighten. Recently (within the last year) I managed to discover and resolve the blockage that was causing so much disturbance with deep meditation, relaxation and giving in to the discomfort. There was also a large psychological element along with emotional affects which also needed to be worked on. The problem has not re-occurred and I can now sleep and meditate without this energy spike occurring.
     It seems as though the work on my legs and feet is not quite finished though. The legs and feet correspond to the material world and my connection to it. I still am running into numerous material issues, both financially and health wise. Financially the flow is more of a drip. Health wise, my hips, hamstrings, ankles and the soles of my feet are subject to tension and inflexibility. Both aspects seem a mirror of each other. The major blockage has been resolved, but the pathways are still blocked.
    A few nights ago I had a dream which elucidated the problem. In the dream I was trying to move down a corridor which had several branches. All along the floor were tiny holes from which arrows and needles would fire forth whenever I moved along the corridor. It made moving down the corridor at any speed both painful and difficult. There were several painted pathways on the ground in blue and red and the blue pathways seemed the easiest to traverse.
    It seemed a perfect analogy for the matter at hand. Trying to move energy (or even blood or fluids) through my legs was a painful and slow process subject to pain. The faster I attempted to stretch my legs and hips out the worse it would become. Unfortunately the rate at which it is comfortable to move is too slow and any faster movement causes pain. This, like trying to make headway in my financial life is intolerably slow and not something that can be suffered for the long term. Looking at the problem only served to cause frustration and depression as there seems to be no alternative.
   So, last night I took a walk to Walgreens (a 24hr pharmacy) ostensibly to pick up some hot chocolate and a drink for Zoe so I could give myself some space to think. As I walked through the campus late at night listening to my ipod a thought occurred to me. I believe it was Einstein that stated that "no problem can be solved at the level it was created". This serves well for any situation and I realised that I was looking at the situation all wrong.
   Rather than seeing the traps as the problem to be overcome I needed to regard the entire situation from a higher level. I have been looking at how the situation is defended and not why. My body/mind system is seeking to stop movement along the pathway, especially anything large or fast. So there is a movement of energy, but only in small chunks, or larger ones if I don't mind taking the hits. I had to consider why is this considered a threat that needs to be reduced or eliminated. 
     I knew that I could rely on my subconscious to eventually figure it out, so when I went to bed I took my notebook and a little reading light. It seems that between 1am and 3am is the best time for letting my mind hazily drift over the topics without distraction. Note: I did not think about it, I just let my mind kind of gaze at it...seeing out of the corner of my eye as it were.
    Part of me thought that it was likely to do with success, that maybe I had a fear of success. But this although fitting the scenario did not get any traction. Then I began to consider that achieving success might bring forth unwanted feelings or thoughts. I looked at my own attitude and realised that a part of me just thinks it isn't possible, that regardless of how hard I try things aren't going to work out for me. That I am just doomed to not get what I want. Now this thought rang a bell.
    Many years back when I had my first experience with kundalini I was working on a big issue for me which was finding my voice. I grew up being painfully shy and unable to express myself. In the end it all came down to what I had been reinforced with since I was a small child. It was the phrase "I want never gets". This maxim had been hammered into me as I grew up. If I said the dreaded phrase "I want" I would be berated and told that I was being VERY rude and given sour looks. Obviously I would be racked with guilt if ever such a phrase slipped out of my lips. Instead I had to phrase everything to cause minimum offense and so that my parents could feel okay with denying my wants, since they were no longer wants, but only very polite requests. All and any of my desires ran the risk of being vetoed. I had to be grateful for whatever I got, even if it wasn't what I wanted.
      Now this all where it began to make sense to me. The protective system is in place to save me from actually getting what I want and therefore doing something shameful and bad. I have worked through my issues enough to be able to express those wants and desires, but as for actually getting them? This idea of "I want never gets" has been so deeply inculcated that it literally stops it from occurring. For me it is a deep universal truth and while I may be able to deny its truth on a mental and verbal level, physically and emotionally it is still just as true as when I was 5 years old. My body literally battles against my mind and tries to protect me from shame and guilt. It leaves me with a legacy of never being fulfilled as it would be asking too much from my poor beleaguered parents. A ridiculous and outdated program in my own psyche.
     The key in this is turning those guardian forces around and to have them working for me rather than against me. They no longer need to protect me from guilt and shame, which are always seen as omnipresent threats for undesirable behaviour. Then I could stop projecting these parental figures onto any beings/organisations etc that might hold my well-being in their hands be it people, bosses or even the universe itself! I can say I want and not expect punishment.
    For my full understanding I must look at the reverse side of why someone would say that in the first place. From my own understanding it is from that person's poverty mindset. I feel that reasonable requests and desires are never really outside of the realm of possibility. A parent often feels that they have to provide everything for the child, but this is a fallacy of limited thinking. The parent is only the vessel of transmission from the universe to the child. If the parent believes that their own desires are not being fulfilled by the cosmos, then they are likely to pass on that mindset to the child, even if this is not actually true. My desires as a child were well within the bounds of possibility, often a new toy I really wanted or the gift of time and attention from a parent. My parents had been living in a scarcity mindset and they felt those things were not even achievable. This was not actually true and the few things I really needed would never have broken the bank. If they had taken the time to look at the needs of a family, they may have realised that their lives were out of alignment and found new and more fulfilling ways of living. They each made their choices and placed the burden of guilt upon me as a child for not being a party to their conspiracy of poverty. My desires were punished with guilt and had to be quieted or smothered for the benefit of not upsetting the status quo. If this legacy were theirs alone then this would be a different matter, but I now must spend my time digging up the bones of the past so I can be free of their influence.
     Seeing this, I can now be free of the guilt and shame that I have felt towards myself and start to really consider what to do from hereon out. It was never my guilt and shame, but that of my parents.
     Knowing this I can re-purpose those defenses to protect from further assaults designed to make me feel the  guilt or shame of another. When I feel a desire arise I can then process it and defend it from those who would seek to make me feel ashamed of natural wants and desires. Guilt is a feeling that arises from within and we do not have to accept it from an outside source, so now I can move forward without having to figure out when to defend against being guilted when I don't feel that way.
   
   

0 - The Fool

 The Fool card begins the journey of the tarot. It is numbered zero and stands both above and before the rest of the Major Arcana. It plays a role similar to the joker in the regular decks in that it is a card that stands outside the regular numbering.
  The tarot can be seen as a journey through the Major Arcana and the Fool card represents the querent as he begins his quest. He is the innocent who begins his journey in honest naivete and is able through beginners luck to avoid the pitfalls laid before him. The hobbits in Lord of the Rings represent this kind of energy, through lack of guile and purity of heart they are able to avoid many pitfalls that should fell them. They initially leave the shire and manage through instinctual fumbling to avoid the terrible danger of the ring wraiths.
     The Fool represents both innate wisdom and purity of instinct, though not consciously manifested.
      This is a very powerful card and when it appears it indicates a level of divine providence provided one releases guile and cunning and trusts innately.
     In my own life there have been several instances when the energy of the Fool card has been instrumental in my successes. Recently I have been struggling with several issues, that seem to leave me wondering how to proceed. It is a confluence of forces and circumstances that leaves me exhausted and endlessly analyzing how to progress to no avail. Then several nights ago when I was first pondering this card I had a dream. In this dream I encountered an alien who showed me several very brightly coloured layers of a crystalline substance. These crystal layers covered the soles of the feet and to me had a somewhat unknown quality. I was trying to see them on people, but could only see them with his help, but he assured me I would be able to do so eventually.
   Although the symbolism is a little confusing, it is to do with the tension I have been feeling in the soles of my feet recently. The soles of the feet represent connection to the earth and given my financial difficulties of late, there is obviously some obstruction that I am not fully able to perceive. The energy is crystallizing, which is what happens if energy stagnates for a period of time and I need to find a way to break through this as yet unknown and invisible substance.
   What is most striking to me is the vivid colours in the dream. When I dream of very vivid colours they are always significant in a profound and spiritual way. They occur very rarely and they always indicate the areas in which I should put the main of my attention.
   When I first felt a draw to the US I had a profound dream in which I was led to a cliff side which had four very large luminous bears standing at the summit and I had to climb the treacherous cliff to reach them. This was the dream that really initiated me into being here and on this journey.  Many years later when my attempts to move to the US had failed, I was then shown another vivid dream with the Pleiades star system lit by unearthly colours. The Pleiades or the seven sisters is the first constellation to appear over the horizon in spring and that is when I decided to return to the US. All along the way my journey has been illuminated by these profound dreams and they always signal to me that spirit is on my side and I just need to step out and trust.
    In many of those instances I felt like the Fool. I was beginning a journey and only by trusting in spirit to guide my journey and protect me from the pitfalls, many of which I could not see or begin to understand.
   In the card the fool has his eyes firmly fixed on the heavens unaware or uncaring of the dangerous drop right ahead of him. He carries all his belongings in a bag over his shoulder and a white rose of pure love in his hand.  His tunic is adorned with vivid colours and depicting hearts, wheels and plant like patterns. These symbols are newly formed and do not have the strength or integrity of some of the later symbols, but are no less powerful because they are driven by innocent virtue. He is still growing yet into his fullness and this youthful energy imparts a measure of strength and protection. Upon his head sits a laurel wreath and a feather in his cap, both symbols of attainment, though he seems unaware of their existence and it is likely he wears them without understanding their meaning. He is a victor without knowledge of such, a humble champion.
    Behind him the sun shines upon him and is at his back, reinforcing his solar aspect as a yet unproven hero. The dog nipping at his heels represents his instincts which, like lassie guide him away from danger unseen. There is a foppish nature to this young youth, a fresh innocence and a belief that there can be no danger that he cannot overcome with this attitude. The thing is, because his belief is so strong and pure, at this point in the journey he is absolutely right.
    For me the appearance of this card at this time is very fortuitous. I have worried that my own desire to create a secure financial base for myself is one based on personal need alone. That I have taken "time out" from my journey to pursue this quest. Similar to a side mission in a video game...not the main story, but an irrelevant refueling event that is only slowing me down. The appearance of this dream suggests that I am actually on track and can relax into the role of the Fool and not carry all these guilt worries that I am not doing what I am "meant" to be. More than that I can fully trust the universe to help me out and not feel as though I am doing this out of selfish desire. This is the beginning of a new journey for me and stepping into that lighter, more innocent role is to my advantage, rather than carrying the burdensome concern about picking the right trail.
    The interesting aspect of the Fool card is that it exists both at the beginning of the Major Arcana, but also outside of the numbering. He doesn't have a fixed position and technically as he progresses he visits each of the Major Arcana. The journey through the tarot represents an archetypal evolution through life and each of the different experiential encounters we meet on the road. The Fool however is omnipresent and we should not leave him behind at the beginning of the journey but carry him through till the end. While we must not forget the lessons of the past, we can meet each new challenge anew as the Fool. Rather than fumbling through the book of our experiences, we must meet new challenges as the Fool, the open but humble hero with the sun at his back and his faithful hound ready to protect him from danger.
 

Breaking the cycle of guilt and blame.

  After some serious introspection inspired by my previous post (The Moon Card), I have discovered that I appeared to be involved in a cycle of guilt and blame.
    Reading up on the idea of blame, you could be forgiven for thinking that it is a terrible thing and totally without merit. But, there are many instances where blame is totally valid and denying it can have greater consequences than accepting that you feel that way. There are instances in which people have a genuine grievance against another party. It doesn't take much to imagine such a scenario, such as a theft or an unprovoked assault.  These are situations in which one individual is clearly responsible for another's suffering. There are plenty more examples that can be easily imagined and anyone who has suffered abuse at the hands of another is already familiar with this.
    For me guilt is inextricably tied up in this, it is certainly a personal situation that I am struggling with and I hope that forging my own way through this may be of benefit to others likewise seeking an understanding.
   But back to blame, we see that it is something that is passed on down the line from one person to another. It is most evident in families, where an abuse that has been enacted causes the victim to blame the perpetrator (quite correctly) for their experience. This can have long standing ramifications for the victim in that they may well continue the same type of behaviour. The problem lies in the fact that this chain can go further and further back, with each person in the chain quite rightfully blaming another for their actions.
      The now perpetrator feels guilt for their actions, but is incapable of taking responsibility as they feel they are not the true progenitors of the problem.  It stands to reason of course, who would want to take responsibility for their actions when those said actions stem from the mistreatment at the hands of another. Obviously, you can see it leads to a whole chain of people washing their hands of responsibility, yet feeling guilty for their actions which they feel powerless to resolve (i.e if only so-and-so would just take responsibility for the way they treated me, then I wouldn't behave like this).
      I am recognising my own part in the cycle of guilt and blame in my own life. I know I cannot rely on the perpetrator of my blame ever recognising and resolving it, because I feel the same way about my guilt. It all feeds back to the source. My financial insolvency links back to other situations in which I blame others, yet it causes me to treat others in the same manner I abhor. There is no gain in staying within the chain. It has a reality all of its own and the cycle perpetuates itself through external circumstances because the subconscious is programmed to repeat the same cycle until the loop is resolved.
     Trying to step out of it is a trial all in itself. Simply taking responsibility for your actions may well be part of it, but the responsibility is not all yours. There is a segment that is the perpetrators. Good luck in getting them to take that on! Even if you do take it on martyr style, your own unconscious is never going to let you get away with it and it will never be a true admission of guilt. You can ignore it, but the situations will continue to play out and the universe really isn't going to do your work for you. You can try and force the prior perpetrator to acknowledge their actions and the effect they had, but they too are likely victims of another and cannot give you true recompense.
    So what is the answer? How do we step out of this chain without relying on the shaky possibility that it will be broken in the link before us? Like anything else, the answer lies in becoming increasingly conscious. Recognising that your blame, however accurate and legitimate will not and cannot give you release. Even if your perpetrators do apologise, it will never be a true apology if they are chained to others. The only way to be free is to break the chain at the point you are at.
    The first step is acknowledging your rightful anger or emotional response. What you do feel is legitimate, even if your perpetrator would prefer you not feel that way (it brings up their feelings of guilt). So this needs to be done by oneself or in the company of a trusted confidant, one who you know will not engage in oppositional responses or invalidate your feelings. It is okay to feel this way, to know that you should not be treated badly.
    The second step is to understand that your feelings were invalidated by their guilt, that getting in touch with your anger is a way of letting yourself know that it is not right that you were treated in such a fashion. The process is for you, not for them and showing them your anger at this point would simply invalidate your feelings once more. They could do this by switching blame back to you, becoming angry in turn or other tactics to try and return the feelings of guilt that they do not wish to own (which in truth, were probably never theirs either).
    The third step is understanding that if these feelings arise again, then they represent a healthy response from yourself. The problem arose when you let their guilt invalidate your feeling response. Learning to trust your own natural emotional responses to situations is paramount. You can allow them to feel however they wish, it doesn't invalidate your feelings. You are not obliged to act in any way they want and if it makes them feel bad then that is their responsibility not yours.
    If you have been a perpetrator (and it is likely you have engaged in the same tactic somewhere else in your life) then you must be willing to accept your part of your actions. Trust your feelings, if you feel remorse over your actions then it is good to redress the balance. If you have acted badly, own up to it. Recognise that now you are free from the control of the others before you and that the cycle stops here.
    If you can truly feel, validate and trust your own feelings then these situations of blame and guilt will die away with the breaking of the chain. People will subconsciously notice that where you were once prone to guilt and blame you are no longer powerless. The situations that were once powered by this weakness will diminish and eventually completely disappear, or if they do resurface then you will remain above such attempts at manipulation.

XVIII - The Moon. The shadow of self.

 The Moon is one of cards that is seen as ill-omened. That when  it turns up in a reading it can signify a period of difficulty. But like many of the so-called ill omened cards it is simply a matter of perspective and taking the correct attitude to the matters at hand.
    The Moon card has links to other Major Arcana. It is related to The Sun card and is viewed as its polar opposite. This may in fact be where a great deal of the mis-interpretation of the card comes into play. The Sun card is such a positive card, that one must think that the Moon card must necessarily be negative. The Sun card is about the inner child, whereas the Moon card is about another psychical construct....the Shadow.
      Carl Jung defined the shadow as the sum total of all that we do not wish to admit to within the psyche. This can be repressed elements or behaviours, attitudes or viewpoints. They do not necessarily need to be negative, but they often are. At worst, these elements given enough psychic power can fragment and cause a schizophrenic break. The psyche will often wall off these elements in order to preserve a level of functionality within the individual. For example if a society has a diminished view of sexuality, then sexual urges naturally become repressed within the normative individual. This gives the shadow aspect of the personality a portion of power which would normally have been reserved for healthy sexual function. If this reservoir of power exceeds a certain level, then the psyche attempts to vent this energy and this occurs in a way that is partitioned off from functioning consciousness so as to preserve a cohesive personality. If such a person encounters a situation, person or event that triggers a recognition of this repressed element within the psyche then they will often respond with revulsion or disgust.
       The card itself has a lot of interesting symbolism involved in it. The actual moon disk has a face upon it which has its eye's closed either in sleep or in pensive thought. There are rays springing forth from the disk, as the sun's light reflects from it. The disk itself is arranged as though you can see the moon in its phases, with a crescent, a half and a full moon. This links the card to sleep, dreams and semi-awareness. The darkness of the backdrop dictates that the card is set at night (you may think this obvious, but the moon is many times visible during the day).  Falling from the moon are fifteen yods (symbols of fiery fragments of the psyche) which look a little like tears falling upon the earth.
        To the side of the card we see two stone towers forming a portal or a pass between them. These towers can be seen on the Death card and represent the gateway to realms beyond. In the Death card, you can see a sunrise in the background, but here you only see a pathway going deep into the purple mountains of the backdrop. This shows that dream and sleep and the states in between are a gateway to areas of deeper darkness and mystery. The towers themselves are man made constructs and represent the limit of our understand of this realm and that the pathway leads past them. These towers have a single window in each, facing back towards the viewer. Passing into the realm of sleep requires we move past what is understood and the limited perspectives humanity currently has in these realms.
      In the middle of the card a wolf and a dog sit either side of the pathway. They represent the animal aspects our nature, on one side the domesticated dog and on the other the wild wolf. They show how close these aspects are to one another and the danger that lies on the path to the unconscious. We have our civilised instincts and our wilder instincts with us and on either side of the path we walk. The dog howls at the moon, showing that it is simply a wolf with a veneer of civility.
      At the base of the card, there is a crustacean crawling out from the depths of the water and beginning on the path. The water represents our emotions, our moods and how they are influenced by the moon and the tides and little consciousness we have of this.
     This card represents the perilous journey into the unconscious, from humble beginnings and through many great dangers. It shows the dangers our subconscious represents, the elements we keep hidden or lie just beneath the surface. It has a negative aspect only in that it without a knowledge of this realm, we are doomed to fall prey to its dangers. Only by taking the pathway with all its inherent dangers do we have any chance of reaching the light hidden by the moon.
    The pathway through the realms of the shadow are indeed difficult and are only really open to those who have tread the roads before this. They are incomprehensible and repugnant to those who are unwilling to face their own hidden aspects.
    There is a great deal to be seen in facing ones own shadow. It is a road I have walked and will continue to walk as difficult and unpleasant as it appears to be at points. It is the only way to liberate the aspects of ourselves and the powers that have fallen into the depths of the unconscious.
   When this card is drawn, it means it is a time to look deep within to find the parts of us that we wish to disown. The darkness that lies within us all and shows us that the line between the civilised dog and the wild wolf is not very great at all and without understanding what we are, there is no hope for our individuation. We must taken this primitive aspect of ourselves (represented by the crustacean) and take it to the light at the far end of the pathway. The fact that there is no light immediately obvious at the end of the pathway further indicates that this is not a simple task.
     This card for me talks of the difficult work that must be undertaken in order to make any real progress on the path. I had hoped to bring forth some examples of my own shadow aspects which I am currently working on, but like the card they are still shrouded in darkness and at best I am only semi-aware of them...I am still walking the path to bring them to light. They struggle to remain hidden and there is a part of me that doesn't wish to see them brought to light, even though I know it is for my benefit.