5 of Wands. Battle and conflict

  When this card appeared as the next card for me to review I understood immediately what it was telling me about my personal life. The five figures in the card are in battle against one another, using their staves as weapons. Just the day before I had taken my old wooden practice sword out of my cupboard and was going through some practice moves. It has been many years since I used it and the idea to take up martial arts once more had been surfacing in my thoughts. So when this card appeared from my shuffling the deck, it made sense.
    The five figures on the card are all clad in differing tunics and so the idea arises of a clashing of ideas, of individual attitudes and opinions. The staves are a fiery suit, so the battle is impassioned, even if there is no malice intended. The five precedes the six (The card of victory), so one comes to the conclusion that victory is the intended outcome of the battle. Whether or not one arrives there is another matter.
    Getting to the martial arts class was a battle for me. Things have been going much better for us recently and the money has begun to flow in as a regular stream of clients has begun to arrive at my door, I presume attracted by positive reviews of my work. Of course, paying for classes, uniforms and taking the time from my newly busy schedule is a consideration that was weighing upon me. The typical fear arose that I would not have enough and it was a battle to not want to retreat and bury my head in the sand, to engage in some less "costly" endeavor. The fact that I had drawn this particular card, showed me that there may be something deeper going on, so I pushed through my fears and went.
      The class, did in fact bring up something deeper. Something I fear I have been avoiding. Something that does require my attention. Over the last few days, I have have several dreams and an encounter or two that has pushed on my boundaries, in fact pushed them down and camped directly in my living room. I don't shy particularly from conflict, or at least that is what I have believed of myself. But I have seen of late my own tactics of giving ground. It was particularly apparent in sparring with the other martial artists. Being somewhat out of shape, I am not as fast on my feet as I once was and I found myself back-peddling, giving ground and retreating.  It also happened several times with people who invaded my personal space and rather than pushing back, I gave ground. It seems I am okay when I can keep things where I want them, but if they get up close I find myself instinctively panicking. My lack of fitness and agility meant that this retreating element was brought to the fore. Previously I would have responded with equal speed and swift ripostes, but now without that speed it outlined the instinctual fear of letting someone in close for fear of being hurt. A big part of me wants to shrug this off, but it was there staring me in the face and I cannot say it was not so. Whether it goes deeper than mere intimidation and confrontation I cannot say yet.
    The card tells us that a battle is inevitable, how we deal with that fact is up to us. I have found that while I do not give up, I certainly give ground. While before I would have rather have given ground rather than hurt another, I am wondering if that is truly always the best course of action. Surely there are times when one must stand their ground, both literally and figuratively, even if it means possibly harming another. By robbing another of the consequences of their actions we harm ourselves in their place. By building the courage to stand my ground I develop the ability to help others learn from their actions and to not give up a part of myself  by the giving of ground. How this will translate into my martial arts practice and daily life is yet to be seen!

5 of Swords. Bullying and intimidation.

 I didn't actually draw this card from the deck, but I feel it is time to confront the issues that this card pertains to rather than passively waiting for its turn. I had a dream last night about one of the cards, but the image of the card was unclear. All I could make out was that there was a single primary figure facing left, searching through my deck I found the five of swords and it all made sense.
   The five of swords is not the most pleasant card to find and the issues it talks about make me feel uncomfortable. Last year about this time I encountered a very difficult situation in my personal life. A former close friend and partner entered my life again after walking out on our friendship five years prior. She had left abruptly with no explanation and cut all contact, both with me and all her supposedly good friends here, telling us not to seek contact. We had been extremely close and I had counted her among my most valuable friends, so her subsequent leaving without explanation hit me extremely hard and there had been no way to gain closure on the situation. When she came back, she decided that she would stay at the place I worked at, yet didn't seem interested in making contact. I had hoped she was trying to reconcile things from her past, or at least foster some kind of understanding of what had happened. This wasn't the case.
    For me, it brought up a great deal of ill feeling towards her. I had been treated abominably and was expected to put it all behind me and just greet her as though she had just popped out to pick up some milk and had gotten a little delayed. Feeling overcome with rage and anger I made the choice not to meet with her, since I didn't feel like I would be able to control my actions or my emotions and didn't want to risk being damaged again (or damaging her!). Plus, she had chosen my workplace as a her chosen venue to stay so losing my cool while working was not a good idea. I did take the opportunity to explain all my feelings in a letter which I had delivered to her. Of course she didn't reply, nor did she attempt to salve any of the hurt feelings. It became obvious that I had badly misjudged her in believing she would act in a responsible or compassionate manner.
   For the year afterwards I allowed myself to get in touch with my rage and my anger, I left situations I found intolerable and let go of "friendships" that suffered from the same lack of concern or basic human empathy.
   It seems like things are coming around full circle for me as I realise that I cannot simply avoid such situations as they are constantly cropping up in life. Avoidance might be a better way to deal with abuse than taking it, but it is still far from optimal.
    The card itself is about one-upmanship, those smug fools who spar with words and emotions and take advantage of situations for their own selfish ends. In the card the figure at the right of the card appears to have vanquished his foes, either through unkind words or through mental sparring indicated by the swords. He collects his winnings in the form of the swords he is picking up from the ground. He is garbed in green and red, two highly contrasting colours mixing growth and passion. I feel this symbolises his aggressive stance towards winning at all costs. Ruthlessness and naked ambition are his tools and he doesn't care about who he hurts to get his way. This may be because he has been hurt by traumatic events, or because he enjoys feeling powerful by dominating those he feels threaten his position. None-the-less all of his actions come from a position of weakness and not strength.
      The two figures he has vanquished are garbed in yellow which is linked to the idea of cowardice. They have either lain down their swords or been beaten in the fighting. Either way the situation has not gone their way and the energy is left in imbalance with feelings of either resentment or regret.
    All conflicts end up in this fashion if followed through to their logical conclusion. This is a mental battle ground and the "victor" is the one that leaves with the energy. Ever notice how if you win in an argument you feel energised and when you lose you feel defeated and drained? This is to do with a literal energy exchange between the energy fields. Some people need to supplement their energy by arguing and there are those who know of no other way. Having grown up in a turbulent environment, or with people who regularly practise this form of energy exchange they learn to feel it is natural.
    As you can see in the card the backdrop shows a stormy sky and a melancholy sea. These indicate the feeling that accompany such situations, sadness, loss, regret on the side of the loser and smugness, arrogance and cruelty on the side of the winner. They are both sides of the same coin and the victor feels he must protect himself from being a loser and feeling the way they do, so he takes an aggressive stance and initiates battle before he is victimised.
    The card itself is highly polarised, offering only two possibilities. Either you are a aggressive victor dominating the situation, or you're a submissive loser who hides in shame or burns with resentment and regret.
   Like many of the cards that seem to offer only two unsatisfactory options, there is often a third option that holds the pathway to correct resolution. I have been on both sides and both feel equally unbalanced and unpleasant. I have taken the path of avoidance more than I have the aggressors path though and as a result I have still had to deal with this type of energy when it arises, but from the standpoint of a victim.
   I don't wish to be a victim to these sorts of situations any longer. During the period when I was really feeling the rage and anger arise, I took myself out of a lot of situations in which I could have easily turned into the aggressor. Being aggressive has a feeling of righteousness attached, but it still comes from a place of deep hurt and that hurt will only be spread to others if you act while in that space. For me it is difficult to adopt that standpoint and remain in good with my conscience.
    Trying to find the right level of response is key and mastering your anger is paramount. It is very easy to flip from one side of the coin to the other, from being a victim to being an aggressor. The only way out of this energy is to maintain your cool and deal from a higher point of awareness. This is much easier said than done, especially if another is pressing your buttons or abusing you mentally or verbally.
   With me I find it easy to get pulled into the victim mindset wanting to avoid the conflict that may already be occurring. I give the aggressor the benefit of the doubt, when they are often not deserving of it. I lose my ability to find humour in the situation and start taking things personally (especially when they are personal!). A good example happened to me this morning. I have started a part time job snow shoveling. I applied for the position in September (several months ago) and only heard back from them in October after I followed up on the call. They said they would get back in touch with me to tell me about orientation sometime in November.
   Last night it snowed. I got a call at 5am in the morning and was unable to make it to the phone before it rung off, there was no message left for me so I was not sure who called. When I woke sometime after 8 I realised I could dial *69 and then followed up by searching the number on the internet. I found out that it was the snow removal job and promptly called them back. The guy on the other end sounded a little annoyed as if I had let him down in some way and I apologised for not making it to the phone in time. I felt like I was making a feeble excuse and when I was finished on the phone I felt angry about the whole situation.
     It seems obvious that they would call me after a snow fall, but since I have never worked for them or heard from them in a several weeks I wasn't expecting a call at 5am. It is hardly surprising that I couldn't get to the phone in time. I understand that the guy may may not have been angry at me at all! But it is so easy to slide into this type of interaction and I end up suppressing my anger again for fear of shouting back when the situation doesn't warrant it.
     I wish to take myself out of this situation as I hate being on either side of the coin. I am starting to see that I may have underlying issues that allow me to spark off either way very easily, especially if I am pushed. This situation with my "friend" has re-opened a very old can of worms. I don't allow myself to act aggressively, either verbally or physically which means it all get suppressed. People have made the mistake before of thinking that I will be pushed around, but they usually end up seeing the flip side if it continues (although this is very rare and requires quite a bit of pushing).
  What is happening is that I allow things to get to me rather than seeing them as emotions arising in me and peacefully allowing them to pass before taking action. I get caught up in the roles and forget I am there to watch them and respond appropriately once I am centred, letting go of the attachment to my ego (which is the part that takes it personally).
   I might even write a list of things I take personally so I can be on the look out. Once I can spot them and let them go, I will be able to speak up and out without using undue force or reverting to avoidance.

5 of Cups. Loss and Disappointment.

 The five of Cups is known as the card of disappointment and with just one look at the card you can see why. The figure at the centre of the card is wearing a heavy dark cloak with which he or she is covering themselves, either in grief or mourning. At the figures feet you can see three cups which have spilled their contents on the ground. The cups once contained three brightly coloured liquids of crimson, red and green.
   Cups are symbolic of the emotions and the spilled liquids represent feelings that are now lost. The heavy black cloak is showing the depressed and dark mood of the querent, a shroud that prevents anything from being seen clearly.
   Behind the figure sit two further cups, which are as yet unspilled. They show that all is not lost, even if a loss has been experienced. The liquids on the ground are an unusual colour, which shows the possibility that what was lost may not have been all that positive as a green liquid may in fact be symbolic of a poison.
  Further behind the figure is a river and bridge that crosses it, leading onward to a castle surrounded by greenery. The castle is a symbol of the security and prosperity that lies not much further on just across the river.
    Disappointment and loss are particularly difficult emotions to deal with as they can often cloud your ability to see your situation clearly. The figure in the card is consumed by these emotions and refuses to look out from under the heavy shroud they carry and see that they still have two cups and that sanctuary is close at hand.
  We all have to face disappointment and loss in our lives, some events loom much larger in our lives than others. I have been no stranger to loss and disappointment in my life and there have been times when these feelings have overwhelmed me and it has seemed as though nothing could replace the loss. In these instances one must remember that while consumed by these thoughts and emotions it is not possible to think or see clearly.
   Loss, grief and mourning provide some of the hardest trials in our lives and can leave wounds that are raw and painful and impossible to contemplate in their entirety. In such events we are left feeling powerless before them, often wondering if the responsibility was ours or if there was another course of action that would have prevented these events from transpiring.
  When such events occur there is little that can be done immediately until the feelings have subsided somewhat as any action taken during the emotional upheaval has likelihood of being influenced by our inability to perceive clearly. In the card the figure looks to the left which is typically symbolic of the past and if he were to move while his eyes were yet covered it is likely he would either not see the sanctuary over the bridge or that he may knock over more of his cups.
    This card relates to our current position where it would be easy for us to be disappointed with how things have turned out for us and the losses we have had to endure because of it. We know that sanctuary beckons, but often there is a pervasive fear that accompanies disappointment which whispers that such events will continue to manifest and it is the reality you should accept. At this time both Zoe and I have put our faith in the universe and trusted that things will work out for us if we take the route we have. Disappointment and loss have reared their heads and they have caused us to question the validity of our choices given that sanctuary is still on the horizon for us and we have both made sacrifices to stay authentic to ourselves. We are still in the midst of that loss and disappointment and our actions have still to bear fruit. I do not wish to compile a list of our woes as it just brings attention to them, when really we wish to focus on that which we still have available to us and the path that lies ahead.
   What we have to accept it that loss and disappointment can visit us all, but we shouldn't let it dictate our course and that in many circumstances there is nothing but to weather the storm and wait for the rainbow. We understand that even in the depths of loss there is still the seed of hope and the possibility for future growth.

5 of Pentacles. Poverty and deprivation.

This is a card that I always dread pulling for myself in a reading. The 5 of pentacles is regarded as a card of poverty, lack and deprivation...usually on a material level given the suit of pentacles.

Fives are typically related to struggling and strife and this one is no exception to that.

So when I pulled this card out this morning, my first feelings were not too positive. I have had a chequered past with regards to my financial path and this is a familiar card for me. Usually when I get this it pulls me down a little, but I wanted to really understand this card a little more and felt that since I have been so close to this energy I might have something to say about it with the necessary perspective.

 Both my wife and I have had to leave our jobs for various reasons, I felt pushed to leave and Zoe felt stressed in her job enough for it to have physical repercussions. But, remarkably I feel in a good position with regards to myself. I mention this because this card would usually be one that evokes fear in me, certainly in my situation, that and a feeling of hopelessness and exasperation...exactly what the card signifies on an outer level.

But of late there has been a shift in my perspective and I am seeing things in a different light. I no longer see things as hopeless, or as something to struggle through, like the figures in the card as they push through the snow. I have been reading a blog recently by Steve Pavlina, in particular this blog http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2010/11/how-to-manifest-money/ and several others. In it he suggests a game in which you just look for coins or money while you are walking and that by turning your attention to noticing money, it will begin to open you up to seeing it in all areas of your life.

So, Zoe and I tried this game while walking to our favourite bookstore, there was a little bit of a competition and between us we only found 1 cent...not the greatest result..but a start. The next day I found $40 dollars while at the gym...unfortunately... this was Toy town money...no joke! Although I did find another 1 cent piece as I was unlocking my bike. I was able to see the humour in the situation and I have steadily been finding money in small quantities each day.

I had to have a blood test this morning along with several inoculations in order to continue volunteering at the cancer centre here ( I mention this only because of the parallel of seeing so many infirm people there which is not a usual occurrence for me), so I took a walk and several things occurred to me about the card. It was that whenever I had looked at the card previously, I had not looked at the pentacles depicted in the image, I had just focused on the two figures struggling through the snow. In the image there is a warmly glowing window depicting a tree with coins growing from it and it seems obvious that the it is showing a sanctuary for them from their woes...just a short distance from them. The elderly woman struggles along with her head bowed and isn't even aware of the inviting window..which I feels shows ignorance of abundance which is right there, if she could only lift her head and look up. The second figure I have always felt more of a kinship with. He struggles through the snow, his legs lamed and he is aware of the window and the warmth. Yet there is something there that stops him. I see the expression on his face as one of jealousy and resentment, that others have those things, yet here he is struggling through the snow when it would really benefit him to enter the church and take a seat. The laming of his legs to me parallels my own struggles with my base chakra (the Muladhara) and the lack of connection or groundedness.

What I now see in that card,  is that it shows a lack of connection to abundance, not the lack of abundance. The light, the coins and the warmth are all present in the card... what is truly lacking is the will, the awareness or the motivation to make those things a part of their reality. For me the issues in my base chakra are the cause of much of the trouble integrating the kundalini  process smoothly, motivation has been a serious hold up in particular. I will talk of motivation more, but in another part of the blog as the story is too long.