Moving through barriers

    I recently had a dream that involved multiple layers of fences that barred my way. In the dream the fences were so thick and numerous as to present an impenetrable wall, but there was a guide with me who urged me on. This guide was hazy, but they felt like a friend or a family member. They took my hand and brought me closer to the wall. Once at the wall he showed me that there was a way through each fence, that there was a cut here, or it wasn't properly pinned down there. He pushed a section of wire fence aside to show me a way through, even though if I stepped back it was still an overwhelming obstacle. What at first seemed impregnable, now seemed as though there were a hidden path through the barrier, a pathway through the labyrinth of tangled wires. Even as I stepped forward, my goal was still obscured by a forest of wires ahead and progress was only possible with faith in my companion and the conviction to take a single step when it was impossible to move quicker.
  It mirrors what is going on in my waking world and that from an objective distance it seems as there is no way on, yet when I look closer, at each individual step, I see I can indeed continue on. I freely admit that my doubts have been stronger than my faith at times and cause me to hesitate, or even to take a few steps backwards.  It is so easy to want to see oneself as a powerful hero with the strength to push down our obstacles, rather than the receptiveness to follow and trust in the strength and wisdom of another. That giving in to panic or fear will only trap you and enmesh you in a tangle of your own making. Each step I am reminded that I am still only a child in many ways and the guide of my soul is the only one who really knows the way. Maybe those that do not see my guide see his strength reflected in me as I hesitantly push aside the veils he has shown me are loose or unpinned.
  I pray I can continue to follow in my guides footsteps without letting fear rule me and closing my eyes to the path ahead.

When the whole world is a bully

   The last couple of nights I have had a running series of dreams that all seem to have a common thread. It all started after I had a massage therapist work on the deeper areas of tension in my legs. It seems that the iliotibial band (or IT Band) in my legs is as taut as a bowstring.
   As anyone familiar with bodywork knows the body stores emotions and memories in the musculature, fascia and even the organs. Working on the body can bring unresolved or stored content to the surface. This occurs with the energy body too.
    As to what to do with these unresolved feelings there is no specific answer that holds true universally. Sometimes the feelings simply have to be felt and let go of. But in other situations they can point to patterns of thinking and acting that are so ingrained that letting go without examination and resolution it is like pulling up a weed without getting the roots.
   This is simply going to be a posting to vent my feelings and hopefully come to a resolution which I will be able to impart. I consulted the tarot to help me with this and The Hermit showed me that the answer is to be found within. So I am going within and you are welcome to follow, provided you don't mind me getting into some old crap!
    The first set of dreams occurred on the night immediately following the massage which occurred late at night. I had been wanting to get some clearance on the feelings of powerlessness and frustration that accompanied both the stretching of my legs and my general financial situation. They might seem unconnected, but energetically they are linked and my dreams seem to clarify that. I had actually been looking for answers on the next card I am working on, so when my unconscious delivered up these dreams I understood that this was what I was going to be working on regardless of my other plans!
    The first three dreams I had were all connected thematically. In the first I was excavating some old relics at an archaeological dig site. I was tracking down some talons or teeth from a dinosaur which were buried somewhere in the area. After some digging and searching I discovered that they were located in a small stream bed and were encased in a small block of ice. The dig site is symbolic of the massage digging into old strata and layers of my psyche, the dinosaur teeth are linked to my childhood dreams of dinosaurs (check out Dinosaur dreams for more details) and the ice is about frozen emotions. That they were under an active stream suggests they are buried under a healthy flow of emotions. The teeth in this instance represent power and aggression (baring teeth is a show of power and aggression). Just as I was about to retrieve them a young child of about 5 or 6..possibly older snatched them from the water. He refused to give them back and acted in a generally smug and childish "I found it first" manner. I didn't know how to react or feel in the dream and felt trumped by this impertinent youngster.
     The second dream was similar, in this though the child tried to snatch something from me as I was sat on a train or bus. I grabbed his wrist and took back what was mine, but his mother was horrified and told me that I couldn't do that to a child, which caused me to feel guilty.
    The third brought up a memory of an person I have not thought of in years. His name was Barnaby and he was part of a clique at school. The clique of guys he was part of were pleasant outwardly, but you could tell they sneered and derided everyone who wasn't like them. I didn't know how to deal with them as the the thin veneer of pleasantry didn't adequately cover the corruption within. In this dream he helped me get a new computer, but when I set it up, it was flooded with spam and malware. I knew he was responsible for this, but there was no way I could prove it.
    In writing these dreams down I can clearly see the common thread. It is in dealing with someone who on the surface appears pleasant, but underneath is actually not a good person. I am unsure on how to be around people that are false. The greater my ability to perceive these charlatans of good nature the more I feel insecure in how I should react. Often such people possess a pleasing facade and either an emptiness or dark rot within.
    I grew up feeling that one should be civil and polite to all people, to act as a gentleman to even the most reprehensible and vile people. In some ways this an extension of giving the benefit of the doubt. The links to my childhood are undeniable and there are several instances in my past that cause me to look back with horror and disgust on things that happened in which paralysis was my only response.
      In the dream the night afterwards things got worse. In this dream both Zoe and I were sat in a restaurant having a light meal. I thought I saw a relative sat at another table (possibly my grandfather) though the view was obscured somewhat because of angle and obstructions. I waved them over and it turned out that it was my father. He introduced himself to Zoe, then hugged her in what was an inappropriate fashion which was more like groping. She was clearly uncomfortable and so I pulled him away then punched him in the jaw. The blow was glancing and held little power, but he retreated and looked somewhat shaken. We exchanged some brief words and he left. Again I wasn't sure if I had over-reacted as violence is not a common form of response for me and I have been taught it is never an appropriate reaction.
    Striking one's father is also seen as a large no-no. The final form of the dream though is very telling for me. The antagonist is finally revealed as my father (how typically Freudian!) and it speaks heavily of my relationship with him. My father is not a vile man, nor is he wantonly bad, yet he shares many traits with the antagonists in the previous dreams. He takes joy in malicious jokes and childish power games, yet on the surface he is a popular and charismatic individual. People will forgive a great deal of a charismatic man (or woman). In the dream I took no joy in striking my father, but looking back I feel it was necessary.
   The dreams connect to that childhood anxiety of how to deal with such an individual who is cruel in nature, but hides it behind a mask of civility. I am no longer a child and therefore am not limited to being powerless around such individuals or situations. But I am still finding a level of appropriate response without being left bereft or over-reacting. It as though a part of me is still a child in this, learning how to respond to the great bullying world that puts on a mask of civility.
     This issue strikes a deep cord in me for all those times that I have let those childish power games or malicious jokes go unanswered. I feel it connect to a level of anger. In my own psyche there is either paralysis or over-reaction, my instincts take hold and there is only fight or flight. As a child I could only respond with incomprehension when my father acted in such a fashion, washing between the shores of paralysis or the urge to fight. Of course, as a child one cannot strike your parents and even the thought induces guilty feelings. It creates a feeling of powerlessness against so great a force. I could no more strike out against my parents than I could fly to the moon.
    The dynamic this has created within me has set me up to view the universe through the same lens. When life or circumstance seems like a malicious joke, I am paralysed or feel rage at the circumstances binding me. Of course, lashing out at my new "parents" within my own spirituality holds just as much a taboo as striking out at my real family. It is said that you look upon the Gods as you look upon your parents, using the same filters and the same perceptions. So what does this mean for me? That when life plays a malicious trick, or is cruel, I simply accept it as the will of untouchable deities. That the rage and frustration I feel cannot be expressed or I will suffer greater indignities. It has created a fear of authorities within me, that I cannot speak up or out against their injustices or feel the wrath and punishment that breaking that taboo will bring even if their actions are unjust.
     I guess it is all in being able to handle these situation as an adult and not letting my rage carry or paralyze me. Growing up with this as a child made me feel powerless whenever something unfair or bad happened, I found ways to rationalise it within my self as to why it happened to me and for what purpose. I have let these situations occur in my own life and not stood up against them and answered them. I even doubt there is any way I could offend the universe, it doesn't have human sensibilities and would surely understand my human frustrations. I am sure God has heard it all before and it is quite likely my anger would be the amongst the least colourful things he hears each day. It also seems like if anyone is equipped to deal with anger and frustration and not react badly it should be God.
     It seems like being able to fully give my anger over to God is what I can learn from this, that I don't need to store it as a poison, nor cast it out into the world at people who are suffering just as much in life, or even more so if they are a bad person. If I can release that pain and suffering out into the universe, then it can be transformed. Releasing it into people or situations will only magnify whatever it is that I am suffering through.
   It is late..I have a lot to let go of and maybe once my cup is empty of this poison it can be filled with something better...

8 of Cups. Card of leave taking

   The 8 of Cups is a gloomy looking card, it has a dark background and a sad faced moon overseeing the figure as he departs leaving his cups behind.
    I have found as I pursue this blog that the energy of the cards has began to seep into my life and so drawing a gloomy looking card is not always my favourite thing as I wonder what it is that I am going to leave behind.
    Whatever is in the cups, it is enough for the figure to have grabbed his walking cane, his cloak and leave without even a glance over his shoulder. The somber blue of the sky and the strange moon face give an aura of sadness that hang over the card. The face of the moon itself seems to be confined within a circle of its own and I can only imagine that it is representing the dark side of the moon, even if it remains bright. This unusual symbolism suggests what would seem to be dark and sad, might actually not be all that bad.
    The last few mornings I have woken with a kind of sadness over me, a resignation. My business has taken off a little more, but for some reason the lull I am experiencing at the beginning of this new month in my work has affected me. Saying I was mooning over this slackening in business would not be far wrong. By drawing this card it forced me to consider my line of work and what it means for me. The creeping sense of dissatisfaction and boredom is at the fringes of my awareness and coming close on the heels of the last card (ironically, the 7 of Cups) it has allowed me to sink into the boggy ground of a certain ennui. The obvious thought is that I am dis-satisfied with my level of income and how it has restricted me and Zoe in our life and that of course that is what I wish to leave behind. On a certain level that is true, I would like nothing more than to be able to leave that chapter behind.
    In the card the traveller, for that is what he is regardless of what he may have been before he left, is prepared to leave it all behind. The eight cups, precariously balanced upon one another give no indication of what they carry. The upper layer of cups has an unusual gap, in which the traveller stands. It is if a small break in the situation has given him the impetus to step away from it all and set out on a journey. The destination of the journey is not as important as what he has been left behind.
   When I first left the UK and my call centre job for a bank I had the opportunity to work with a rocket scientist. What he was doing at the bank in a call centre I do not know, other than maybe to keep himself occupied after the military. I had told him of my plan to leave the bank and to go travelling on a journey, but I was unsure where to go. He told me that with getting a rocket to leave the atmosphere of the earth, it was not so important as to where it was going, but in generating enough force for it to push away from the ground so it could break free.
     The mountains that make up the background of the card are jagged and large and although the traveller appears to have a paved road ahead, his journey is not likely to be an easy one. It is the leave taking that is going to be difficult. The moon and the tides of the waters are holding him back. Gravity and inertia are his enemies and the small break is enough for him to set his intention and to push away.  The red of his cloak shows his vigour and passion to make a break for good and his green trousers show that his heart is also in this endeavor.
     As I considered my feelings this morning in bed, one thing occurred to me. It is not the situation that is frustrating me and bringing me down, although that doesn't help. It is the feelings themselves that I wish to leave behind. I will doubtless encounter further lulls in my business and even in my life. I cannot seriously expect that everyday will greet me with the promise of exciting work or wonderful opportunities. If everytime I find a lapse or a lull in the flow of things I engage with these feelings, then I will find they play a larger role in my life than I would like. The feelings of disappointment, of boredom or inertia are the feelings I really wish to leave behind. Outside of those worries it is a beautiful day and there are plenty of opportunities to enjoy my life or to choose to engage in positive activities.
     This card challenges us to face upto those parts of our lives that have dragged us down, those emotions that we would rather project onto external situations and to leave them behind. It is about leaving negative behaviours, patterns, emotions or even relationships behind us and to push onto greener pastures, regardless of how hard it is to break out of their gravitational pull.

XV - The Devil

   This is often viewed as one of the most terrible cards in the deck, certainly by anyone with a superstitious or hellfire religiosity. In truth it may simply be that this is one of the more misunderstood cards in the tarot. Does is portend horrible damnation and hell-fire? No, but it does speak to those things that most devoutly minded folks fear, namely drink, drugs, anger, sex, addiction and all the perils of the material world. So, you may ask how does a card that portrays all those things possibly have a positive side?
      Well, a goodly portion of many pagan belief systems incorporate a being that exemplifies and honours those particular traits. Looking at these deities you could easily mistake them for the Christian Devil. I am looking at you Bacchus, Dionysus and Pan. These deities incorporate wild celebration, intoxication and abandon in their portfolios. This was for a very good reason and the reason that modern religions have become stiflingly staid. It was so that these elements could be safely incorporated into life without needing them to explode societally the way that any suppressed material does if not fully accepted. The celebration done in their name could seriously reduce the dangerous pressures that build up within people otherwise. It is the reason that celebration has such a strong dark side in our culture, it's moral non-acceptance.
       The card itself does also have meaning beyond this cultural understanding. It does speak to the dangers of the material world and its seductive power to entrap individuals. The figures in the card are chained to the block the winged creature sits atop, but their shackles are not so tight as to be binding. They could easily escape from their confinement if they chose, simply by slipping off the bindings. But, the pleasures and sensations of the material world often cause people to bind themselves willingly to them in the form of addictions and excesses.
       It may also be noticed that the card is spookily similar to the lovers card and the card's number 15 can be reduced numerologically to 6 (1+5) which is the number of that particular card. This refers to the danger of becoming trapped within unhealthy relationships.
     The card also has connections with Capricorn, as evidenced with the goat like legs of the devilish being. Capricorn is an earth sign and has a strong relationship with materiality. The Devil is also holding a torch which he has held in a downward position, which symbolises illuminating the lower regions of the psyche. His other hand is raised in a gesture which looks like Spock's Vulcan greeting, which in fact is a derivative of a Jewish blessing resembling the hebrew letter "shin" meaning "almighty God". This creates a strange dichotomy in the card in that on one hand he is plunging the light into the lower realms and with the other he has his hand raised as a symbol to God. This can be interpreted thus, he is in fact representing the light-bringer (Lucifer) whom God consigned to the lower realms and is challenging the querent to illuminate their own lower psyche with consciousness (could the Devil actually be a servitor of God you may dare to ask!)
     Above the head of the Devil one can see a five pointed star turned opposite to its usual aspect. When it is aligned like this it means the triumph of matter over the spiritual and is often seen as a symbol of evil. Below the Devil are two naked figures similar to the man and women in The Lovers card, they have horns upon their heads and tails sprouting grapes and fire. They have fallen to their animal nature and have become entrapped by their own inflamed desires and lust for pleasure. They warn of the dangers of indulging too deeply of sensory pleasure.
    The meaning of the card is to understand that we have an lustful, violent, addictive and angry aspect that can enslave us if we either ignore it or indulge in it too deeply. The enlightened individual is able to draw upon this reservoir of power in order to overcome earthly obstacles and to give us passion and drive to do so. They are not beholden, nor chained and can let go once it has surpassed its necessity. It can give us that connection to the earth and the tenacity and capability to ascend to high places, much like Capricorn the goat.
    This card also heavily relates to the base or root chakra and its liberation from reliance on materialism. That is how I have connected to this card. The base chakra is about survival, matter and the sensory world. It is the doorway to the cellular level of our energy system, at which our body is able to directly regulate its health and regeneration.
    I was drawn to this card after I made a break through regarding opening my base chakra. It has proven troublesome over recent years and has resulted in a level of poverty and fear on a material level. As a result my hips have tensed up and have refused to relax making exercise and stretching in particular very difficult. It has been a very long and arduous process and I understand when I begun this that it was related to this card. This insight came to me as I lived in the UK and I began to understand working through the issues contained in this chakra were not going to be an easy or quick fix. To say that what happened recently was the final catalyst for change would take away from the years of inner work that preceded it. I had to get over my dislike of materialism and the patterns that told me that money, career and focusing on daily living were only for the spiritually bereft. I had to move across the world and relocate in the US before I could happily root myself in a place I felt was right for me. I had to face deep fears of abandonment (along with actually being abandoned by my closest friend) and the resulting anger and hatred that this caused. I have been to the depths of the pit, on all levels...physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
     It has given me a great deal in return though. I have my motivation returned, I can connect to my artwork once more and can pursue my dreams. But of late another aspect has begun to finally open up. The physical aspect.
     Last year I made a resolution to be able to return flexibility to my legs and hips, to be able to stretch deeply and to remove the chronic tension. I started the year off with a yoga intensive, but quickly found that although there was some improvement, it was only incremental and would quickly return to its normal soon after I finished exercising. It was as though there was a tightly coiled spring in my hip joints that wouldn't allow any level of flexibility and pushing them only caused pain and tearing. I turned my attention to the deeper causes, the tension and it's mental connections. I understood that as long as the psychological patterns that caused my hips to tense continued to exist any exercise was basically wasted. This I know flies in the face of many people's perceptions of how exercise and particularly yoga works. But halfway through the year I found success when after a particularly deep meditation and some serious contemplation I was able to free up the area around my sacral bone in just one evening. Afterwards I was able to sit cross-legged comfortably for the first time in years. After that I was able to open up my shoulders by working on issues connected with anger and feeling like I was unable to strike out.
      In the past few days I have been able to do the same with the front of my pelvis, allowing me to be able to stretch my legs deeply to either side. This occurred when I meditated and was able to perceive on a cellular level the "feeling" of contraction in my hips and reverse it by connecting to my subconscious and requesting its reversal. It was also psychologically connected to the freedom of my artwork and its previous "tightness".
      This for me represents a massive shift in terms of my comprehension of matter. I no longer feel chained and have the tools to remove the remained of the bindings that have occurred physically over the years. It has also allowed a new level of expertise in my healing work that I feel is yet to be fully understood by myself.
      The Devil card represents such feelings of being bound and trapped by an external force much greater than ourselves. We can struggle for years against the chains of anger, violence and addiction. We can feel hopeless and helpless. We can feel trapped in darkness and unable to free ourselves because we cannot see our bindings. Yet the chance for freedom lies within the grasp of our own consciousness if we can only find the chains that bind us and lift them from us.
      The Devil thrusts the torch downwards to illuminate the figures so they might see their bindings for themselves. He has enticed us and seduced us, yet he offers us the power to remove those bindings if we are only to look. It is us that stay trapped in those cycles, he cares not if we escape and even seeks to aid us if we dare ask our captor..."What binds me?"
   
 

9 of Pentacles. Financial independence and superiority.

     This card is about plenty and the freedom granted by financial independence. It has brought up a great deal of personal baggage in trying to get myself into the right frame of mind to discuss it. Sometimes entering into the mind state of the card is harder than usual, certainly if the card represents a state that is not resonant for me at this time.
     None-the-less I will discuss the card before delving into the more personal aspects. The nine is close to the end of the material cycle represented by the pentacles, we are almost at fullness within this suit. The lady in the card is enjoying all the fruits that material security and independence can buy. She is leisurely enjoying her estate in a fine robe covered in Venusian symbols. Venus being the planet of beauty it shows that her finery is of the greatest opulence. It is a golden robe, which again exemplifies the wealth this card represents. The trim on the robe, along with the hat she wears is a vivid red. Red being a colour of vibrancy, material power and vigour.
        Behind her is a golden sunset, the composition balanced by two trees either side of her. The Venusian symbolism, the finery and the balance all suggest this card has links to Libra.  To either side of her are the pentacles stacked alongside the rich bunches of grapes, suggesting she can afford to enjoy the finer things in life. The hooded hawk itself is another symbol of aristocracy, also showing her freedom to move about and return to a comfortable resting place. It's hood remains in place as it is not now the time to hunt, but to relax.
       At the foot of the card is a snail showing the leisurely and sedate pace created by the secure foundation of wealth. There is no hurry and what one has is simply to be enjoyed.
      The card itself seems simple in its analysis but it has been difficult for me to feel the energy behind it. My current financial situation does not reflect the energy of the card, if anything it reflects its opposite. For me my life does not include a material stability or the ability to take things easy and enjoy the finer aspects of living. This created a great deal of conflicted feelings as most of the cards I have drawn have had a real life situation occur that allowed me to understand the energy. Instead this card has raised frustrations and ugly feelings.
      Rather than feel stuck, I have looked at the feelings that have emerged in trying to emulate this mindset in attempt to understand why I cannot bring this energy into fruition in my life. Much as when trying to flush out a blocked pipe the first thing to emerge is the cause of the blockage and all that has caused the clogging.
     What arises in me is envy. Envy is not an emotion I am used to. Although once I look at it, I see how pervasive it has become in my own life. Being brought to my financial knees has magnified the envy I feel for all those around me in such a way that it has become an intolerable noise. Upon further examination I see that it goes even deeper into my psyche. Last night as I drifted off to sleep I asked for a dream to elucidate my situation so I could better understand how this feeling may be blocking me.
      I dreamt that I was in a department store in which several high-tech stands were set up. I was there with my younger brother, although he was much younger in the dream...little more than a young child. I was in possession of a large felt block or box which strapped onto my back by virtue of a Velcro strap. When I put the pale green box onto my back I could hover about at a height of a foot or two. It was quite a pleasurable experience and the box itself felt weightless. As I was hovering about, my brother threw a toy or figurine into a glass display case shattering the front. One of the shop workers came over and scolded me for my brother's actions and informed me that I wouldn't be able to work there because of his action. I felt non-plussed by this as I wasn't really interested in it in the first place. I was considering offering the box to my brother when the dream shifted. It then moved into another aspect about another area of my life which does not seem relevant.
      Symbolically the green represents envy and the block...well that represents a block. But, the dream suggests that I am willingly donning the block because it elevates me. I can understand how this may be. I can feel elevated by my envy, I can even feel an element of superiority (aerial superiority!). If I feel elevated then I would naturally feel envious of those who are below me from possessing what I do not. My desire is not born of a genuine desire, but from a righteousness derived from a false sense of superiority. Letting go of this envy and the superior elevated position, although less pleasurable immediately will lead to me finding my own level. It will put me in contact with the earth and ground me in reality.
      It is easy to find the source of this. Growing up I was the smallest in my year...bar the kid with a growth disorder. I was also one of the youngest, struggled with my school work and was naturally shy. My family was not wealthy so seeing others with more was a regular occurrence. My father also had a serious inferiority complex, often claiming that Italians were responsible for every single good thing in civilization and therefore by extension he was part of that legacy. I could go on, but it does not serve as there are many factors in this stew and no one thing is fully responsible.  It is natural that I would want to feel bigger, better and superior to those who surrounded me, if only to be able to compete.
      I can see that this constructed sense of superiority disconnects me from the earth and my true self. I know I possess many good qualities and this envy exists because of my childhood difficulties. It is difficult for me to feel a desire for something without going through a sense of entitlement born of an elevated sense of self. But it is not connected, it is not genuine and only serves to feed this dynamic of envy.
     The block in the dream is only connected by a strap of Velcro, yet the desire to feel elevated is strong. Finding a block that doesn't weigh me down is novel, as in my experience they often possess a weight which creates a lethargy and feelings of heaviness. Letting go of the block means letting go of a safety mechanism that has been in place for a long time and has served to keep me afloat when things should have buried me. I know now that I can rely on my own self worth and do not need to keep an aid to buoyancy with me. It is only keeping me from connecting fully with the earth.
      In the end I have to let go of this barrier to financial independence, the feeling that has kept me safe for so long. Because it no longer serves and only suffices to keep me disconnected. The elevated sense of self. It is the shadow side of the 9 of Pentacles, an elevated sense of superiority. Granted by things real or imagined.

I want never gets, a legacy of guilt.

   I have recently been opening up the rest of my energy system to kundalini energy. I have run into a deadly trap within my own system and it has been holding me up for a long while. Thankfully with help from some of my dreams I am making headway.
    Many years ago I had my first kundalini awakening, I discuss it fully in one of my first posts here. Suffice to say that it only opened up the energy in the upper part of my torso, arms, head and neck included. The energy didn't fully flow down into my lower torso or legs especially around the root chakra. I didn't think much of it at the time as the experience was new to me to begin with. It was only much later that I discovered that the energy within me was not fully balanced.
   The problem became a little more pronounced later, causing me to suffer from a restless leg style side effect which I later discovered were kriyas. The energy was trying to equalize during the sleep cycles or during meditation and it was much too strong to happen without a lot of discomfort and pain.
   This continued for many years and I simply didn't know how to go about resolving it. Other healers were at a loss and the strong physical aspect of it only served to frighten. Recently (within the last year) I managed to discover and resolve the blockage that was causing so much disturbance with deep meditation, relaxation and giving in to the discomfort. There was also a large psychological element along with emotional affects which also needed to be worked on. The problem has not re-occurred and I can now sleep and meditate without this energy spike occurring.
     It seems as though the work on my legs and feet is not quite finished though. The legs and feet correspond to the material world and my connection to it. I still am running into numerous material issues, both financially and health wise. Financially the flow is more of a drip. Health wise, my hips, hamstrings, ankles and the soles of my feet are subject to tension and inflexibility. Both aspects seem a mirror of each other. The major blockage has been resolved, but the pathways are still blocked.
    A few nights ago I had a dream which elucidated the problem. In the dream I was trying to move down a corridor which had several branches. All along the floor were tiny holes from which arrows and needles would fire forth whenever I moved along the corridor. It made moving down the corridor at any speed both painful and difficult. There were several painted pathways on the ground in blue and red and the blue pathways seemed the easiest to traverse.
    It seemed a perfect analogy for the matter at hand. Trying to move energy (or even blood or fluids) through my legs was a painful and slow process subject to pain. The faster I attempted to stretch my legs and hips out the worse it would become. Unfortunately the rate at which it is comfortable to move is too slow and any faster movement causes pain. This, like trying to make headway in my financial life is intolerably slow and not something that can be suffered for the long term. Looking at the problem only served to cause frustration and depression as there seems to be no alternative.
   So, last night I took a walk to Walgreens (a 24hr pharmacy) ostensibly to pick up some hot chocolate and a drink for Zoe so I could give myself some space to think. As I walked through the campus late at night listening to my ipod a thought occurred to me. I believe it was Einstein that stated that "no problem can be solved at the level it was created". This serves well for any situation and I realised that I was looking at the situation all wrong.
   Rather than seeing the traps as the problem to be overcome I needed to regard the entire situation from a higher level. I have been looking at how the situation is defended and not why. My body/mind system is seeking to stop movement along the pathway, especially anything large or fast. So there is a movement of energy, but only in small chunks, or larger ones if I don't mind taking the hits. I had to consider why is this considered a threat that needs to be reduced or eliminated. 
     I knew that I could rely on my subconscious to eventually figure it out, so when I went to bed I took my notebook and a little reading light. It seems that between 1am and 3am is the best time for letting my mind hazily drift over the topics without distraction. Note: I did not think about it, I just let my mind kind of gaze at it...seeing out of the corner of my eye as it were.
    Part of me thought that it was likely to do with success, that maybe I had a fear of success. But this although fitting the scenario did not get any traction. Then I began to consider that achieving success might bring forth unwanted feelings or thoughts. I looked at my own attitude and realised that a part of me just thinks it isn't possible, that regardless of how hard I try things aren't going to work out for me. That I am just doomed to not get what I want. Now this thought rang a bell.
    Many years back when I had my first experience with kundalini I was working on a big issue for me which was finding my voice. I grew up being painfully shy and unable to express myself. In the end it all came down to what I had been reinforced with since I was a small child. It was the phrase "I want never gets". This maxim had been hammered into me as I grew up. If I said the dreaded phrase "I want" I would be berated and told that I was being VERY rude and given sour looks. Obviously I would be racked with guilt if ever such a phrase slipped out of my lips. Instead I had to phrase everything to cause minimum offense and so that my parents could feel okay with denying my wants, since they were no longer wants, but only very polite requests. All and any of my desires ran the risk of being vetoed. I had to be grateful for whatever I got, even if it wasn't what I wanted.
      Now this all where it began to make sense to me. The protective system is in place to save me from actually getting what I want and therefore doing something shameful and bad. I have worked through my issues enough to be able to express those wants and desires, but as for actually getting them? This idea of "I want never gets" has been so deeply inculcated that it literally stops it from occurring. For me it is a deep universal truth and while I may be able to deny its truth on a mental and verbal level, physically and emotionally it is still just as true as when I was 5 years old. My body literally battles against my mind and tries to protect me from shame and guilt. It leaves me with a legacy of never being fulfilled as it would be asking too much from my poor beleaguered parents. A ridiculous and outdated program in my own psyche.
     The key in this is turning those guardian forces around and to have them working for me rather than against me. They no longer need to protect me from guilt and shame, which are always seen as omnipresent threats for undesirable behaviour. Then I could stop projecting these parental figures onto any beings/organisations etc that might hold my well-being in their hands be it people, bosses or even the universe itself! I can say I want and not expect punishment.
    For my full understanding I must look at the reverse side of why someone would say that in the first place. From my own understanding it is from that person's poverty mindset. I feel that reasonable requests and desires are never really outside of the realm of possibility. A parent often feels that they have to provide everything for the child, but this is a fallacy of limited thinking. The parent is only the vessel of transmission from the universe to the child. If the parent believes that their own desires are not being fulfilled by the cosmos, then they are likely to pass on that mindset to the child, even if this is not actually true. My desires as a child were well within the bounds of possibility, often a new toy I really wanted or the gift of time and attention from a parent. My parents had been living in a scarcity mindset and they felt those things were not even achievable. This was not actually true and the few things I really needed would never have broken the bank. If they had taken the time to look at the needs of a family, they may have realised that their lives were out of alignment and found new and more fulfilling ways of living. They each made their choices and placed the burden of guilt upon me as a child for not being a party to their conspiracy of poverty. My desires were punished with guilt and had to be quieted or smothered for the benefit of not upsetting the status quo. If this legacy were theirs alone then this would be a different matter, but I now must spend my time digging up the bones of the past so I can be free of their influence.
     Seeing this, I can now be free of the guilt and shame that I have felt towards myself and start to really consider what to do from hereon out. It was never my guilt and shame, but that of my parents.
     Knowing this I can re-purpose those defenses to protect from further assaults designed to make me feel the  guilt or shame of another. When I feel a desire arise I can then process it and defend it from those who would seek to make me feel ashamed of natural wants and desires. Guilt is a feeling that arises from within and we do not have to accept it from an outside source, so now I can move forward without having to figure out when to defend against being guilted when I don't feel that way.
   
   

5 of Swords. Bullying and intimidation.

 I didn't actually draw this card from the deck, but I feel it is time to confront the issues that this card pertains to rather than passively waiting for its turn. I had a dream last night about one of the cards, but the image of the card was unclear. All I could make out was that there was a single primary figure facing left, searching through my deck I found the five of swords and it all made sense.
   The five of swords is not the most pleasant card to find and the issues it talks about make me feel uncomfortable. Last year about this time I encountered a very difficult situation in my personal life. A former close friend and partner entered my life again after walking out on our friendship five years prior. She had left abruptly with no explanation and cut all contact, both with me and all her supposedly good friends here, telling us not to seek contact. We had been extremely close and I had counted her among my most valuable friends, so her subsequent leaving without explanation hit me extremely hard and there had been no way to gain closure on the situation. When she came back, she decided that she would stay at the place I worked at, yet didn't seem interested in making contact. I had hoped she was trying to reconcile things from her past, or at least foster some kind of understanding of what had happened. This wasn't the case.
    For me, it brought up a great deal of ill feeling towards her. I had been treated abominably and was expected to put it all behind me and just greet her as though she had just popped out to pick up some milk and had gotten a little delayed. Feeling overcome with rage and anger I made the choice not to meet with her, since I didn't feel like I would be able to control my actions or my emotions and didn't want to risk being damaged again (or damaging her!). Plus, she had chosen my workplace as a her chosen venue to stay so losing my cool while working was not a good idea. I did take the opportunity to explain all my feelings in a letter which I had delivered to her. Of course she didn't reply, nor did she attempt to salve any of the hurt feelings. It became obvious that I had badly misjudged her in believing she would act in a responsible or compassionate manner.
   For the year afterwards I allowed myself to get in touch with my rage and my anger, I left situations I found intolerable and let go of "friendships" that suffered from the same lack of concern or basic human empathy.
   It seems like things are coming around full circle for me as I realise that I cannot simply avoid such situations as they are constantly cropping up in life. Avoidance might be a better way to deal with abuse than taking it, but it is still far from optimal.
    The card itself is about one-upmanship, those smug fools who spar with words and emotions and take advantage of situations for their own selfish ends. In the card the figure at the right of the card appears to have vanquished his foes, either through unkind words or through mental sparring indicated by the swords. He collects his winnings in the form of the swords he is picking up from the ground. He is garbed in green and red, two highly contrasting colours mixing growth and passion. I feel this symbolises his aggressive stance towards winning at all costs. Ruthlessness and naked ambition are his tools and he doesn't care about who he hurts to get his way. This may be because he has been hurt by traumatic events, or because he enjoys feeling powerful by dominating those he feels threaten his position. None-the-less all of his actions come from a position of weakness and not strength.
      The two figures he has vanquished are garbed in yellow which is linked to the idea of cowardice. They have either lain down their swords or been beaten in the fighting. Either way the situation has not gone their way and the energy is left in imbalance with feelings of either resentment or regret.
    All conflicts end up in this fashion if followed through to their logical conclusion. This is a mental battle ground and the "victor" is the one that leaves with the energy. Ever notice how if you win in an argument you feel energised and when you lose you feel defeated and drained? This is to do with a literal energy exchange between the energy fields. Some people need to supplement their energy by arguing and there are those who know of no other way. Having grown up in a turbulent environment, or with people who regularly practise this form of energy exchange they learn to feel it is natural.
    As you can see in the card the backdrop shows a stormy sky and a melancholy sea. These indicate the feeling that accompany such situations, sadness, loss, regret on the side of the loser and smugness, arrogance and cruelty on the side of the winner. They are both sides of the same coin and the victor feels he must protect himself from being a loser and feeling the way they do, so he takes an aggressive stance and initiates battle before he is victimised.
    The card itself is highly polarised, offering only two possibilities. Either you are a aggressive victor dominating the situation, or you're a submissive loser who hides in shame or burns with resentment and regret.
   Like many of the cards that seem to offer only two unsatisfactory options, there is often a third option that holds the pathway to correct resolution. I have been on both sides and both feel equally unbalanced and unpleasant. I have taken the path of avoidance more than I have the aggressors path though and as a result I have still had to deal with this type of energy when it arises, but from the standpoint of a victim.
   I don't wish to be a victim to these sorts of situations any longer. During the period when I was really feeling the rage and anger arise, I took myself out of a lot of situations in which I could have easily turned into the aggressor. Being aggressive has a feeling of righteousness attached, but it still comes from a place of deep hurt and that hurt will only be spread to others if you act while in that space. For me it is difficult to adopt that standpoint and remain in good with my conscience.
    Trying to find the right level of response is key and mastering your anger is paramount. It is very easy to flip from one side of the coin to the other, from being a victim to being an aggressor. The only way out of this energy is to maintain your cool and deal from a higher point of awareness. This is much easier said than done, especially if another is pressing your buttons or abusing you mentally or verbally.
   With me I find it easy to get pulled into the victim mindset wanting to avoid the conflict that may already be occurring. I give the aggressor the benefit of the doubt, when they are often not deserving of it. I lose my ability to find humour in the situation and start taking things personally (especially when they are personal!). A good example happened to me this morning. I have started a part time job snow shoveling. I applied for the position in September (several months ago) and only heard back from them in October after I followed up on the call. They said they would get back in touch with me to tell me about orientation sometime in November.
   Last night it snowed. I got a call at 5am in the morning and was unable to make it to the phone before it rung off, there was no message left for me so I was not sure who called. When I woke sometime after 8 I realised I could dial *69 and then followed up by searching the number on the internet. I found out that it was the snow removal job and promptly called them back. The guy on the other end sounded a little annoyed as if I had let him down in some way and I apologised for not making it to the phone in time. I felt like I was making a feeble excuse and when I was finished on the phone I felt angry about the whole situation.
     It seems obvious that they would call me after a snow fall, but since I have never worked for them or heard from them in a several weeks I wasn't expecting a call at 5am. It is hardly surprising that I couldn't get to the phone in time. I understand that the guy may may not have been angry at me at all! But it is so easy to slide into this type of interaction and I end up suppressing my anger again for fear of shouting back when the situation doesn't warrant it.
     I wish to take myself out of this situation as I hate being on either side of the coin. I am starting to see that I may have underlying issues that allow me to spark off either way very easily, especially if I am pushed. This situation with my "friend" has re-opened a very old can of worms. I don't allow myself to act aggressively, either verbally or physically which means it all get suppressed. People have made the mistake before of thinking that I will be pushed around, but they usually end up seeing the flip side if it continues (although this is very rare and requires quite a bit of pushing).
  What is happening is that I allow things to get to me rather than seeing them as emotions arising in me and peacefully allowing them to pass before taking action. I get caught up in the roles and forget I am there to watch them and respond appropriately once I am centred, letting go of the attachment to my ego (which is the part that takes it personally).
   I might even write a list of things I take personally so I can be on the look out. Once I can spot them and let them go, I will be able to speak up and out without using undue force or reverting to avoidance.

Believing in better for myself

  I have been opening up my life to abundance for quite a while now, several years in fact and there has been a tremendous amount of change going on for me. There has definitely been some ups and downs, but I have come a long way from where I started the journey. I have manifested many things in my life the way I would want them, but there are still a few bugbears that are proving resilient to my efforts.
   Good company, purpose and a meaningful life have all come around for me. Yet finding meaning and fulfillment in my financial and work spheres is proving exceptionally tough to manifest. I have stepped out of my old patterns and moved into the flow of abundance with the universe and it is easy to see it at work in much of my life. Synchronicities happen almost daily for me and there is a feeling of hope. So with this in mind I asked for a dream last night to show me how and where I was going wrong in this area.
   The dream took place in a pub (presumably in the UK) in which I was a cleaner there. I was working for one of my old bosses who I had never had the greatest respect for. I happened to be cleaning around the bar area where the manager of the pub and his fellows were sitting around. They looked like shady mafia types and they ended up holding down and murdering another figure on the bar with a stake to the solar plexus. They seemed either unaware or unbothered by me being there, until the manager noticed me and told me I needed to go clean the roof. I felt like protesting that it was not part of my duties but was concerned that I might be the next victim and I should stay on his best side.
   There were other elements to the dream, such as having difficulty finding a working bathroom stall (problems elimination negative energy) and talking with Dan Akroyd in an airport waiting lounge (not sure about this part!).
    The first part of the dream seemed such a familiar situation in my experiences, I feel shame in recognising this as a regularly occurring situation. I seem to end up with low vibration jobs that put me in a situation in which I feel there is no acceptable way out and with the feeling that there is nothing better out there for me. This creates a vicious cycle in which I am forced back into those very type of work situations. This cycle of belief has kept me pinned in a trap of feeling disappointment and shame.
     The fear of finding nothing better has hardened into a belief so strong that it feels like a certainty. When something has that kind of solidity within your energy system you cannot help but manifest it for oneself, regardless of how many sugary affirmations you sprinkle over it. You are numb to the possibilities that may array themselves before you and deaf to the knocking of opportunity.
    I have experienced life without this belief when I first went travelling simply because I suspended my beliefs in taking that first step, but as is often the case with deeply held ideas they came to the surface eventually and return the status quo.
     Seeing my bosses "murder" other individuals has happened several times for me and I have allowed it to occur because of the fear that there is no other real options for me. And because of my solid belief that there is no other options it takes on a horrible reality.
    I have seen this dynamic at work within my family especially. We have had a pattern of allowing ourselves to become entrenched in a miserable situation and not leave it because of the fear there is no other options. My family owns a holiday home in the south of Italy and my parents hired an unscrupulous and criminal individual who has proven himself false time and time again. Yet this happens because there is a pervasive fear that there are no other options out there.
   Letting go of the fear alone is not enough as it will only creep back in again when no new dynamic comes to replace it. Replacing it is an absolutely necessary, even if it flies in the face of all past experience. One must find the counter belief and install it. So, with that in mind.... There is something better for me out there, something that fits with me perfectly. I have experienced this truth many times before in other areas of my life and now I am going to experience it on the material level.

Ace of Pentacles. Manifestation.

     The Ace of Pentacles is always a nice card to find emerging from the deck, in this case the card jumped out of the deck while I was shuffling it. When this happens I usually add the card to whatever the reading is.

     The Aces are primal energies in their most potent raw form and the Pentacles are that of Earth energy. 

    The heavenly hand in the card proffers a large coin like Pentacle, which suggests that the universe is giving you a gift of earthy energy. This can come as a new job, a sum of money, a new house or an inheritance.

    Below the hand stands a garden with a pathway that leads to the mountains beyond. Within the garden are growing white flowers, lilies, which symbolise desire in its purest form. The flowers represent the seeds of pure desire coming to fruition.

   It seems that the garden is just the start of the pathway which leads us on and I see this as meaning that this material gift is meant as a means to allow us to begin or continue on our path. 

    This card has sat on my desk for several days as I have waited to see what material gift would be brought my way. It reminded me of the full moon which is present in the sky tonight a symbol of fullness in all its material glory.

    It has given me food for thought though. In Star Tarot Revelations there is a passage which struck me deeply which I will recount here.

    "You are no longer capable of doing work that is not both emotionally satisfying or spiritually nourishing. Receiving this card indicates that you are unwilling to live in the contradiction of inner contentment that is not evident in the outer world; or attainment on the external plane while experiencing dissatisfaction within. You are worthy of having it all - success that manifests physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually."

     For me this is something that speaks strongly to me. Having taken many jobs that do one or the other, I have simply reached the point that I am not capable of working in a way that is not all these things. Sadly, my outer reality has yet to catch up with this inner reality. If I take jobs that are unsatisfying to me I simply become sick or ill and cannot function, coupled with the deep feeling that the situation is not right for me.

   I have come to the point where I have had to test my faith and say no to those jobs that do nothing to nourish me. I am also having to step away from the feelings that keep me tied into these situations, those of unworthiness and desperation.

   Instead I am replacing them with feelings of hope and trust in the universe and the knowledge that these hardships are simply the result of many deeply ingrained patterns being burned away. I know there are still beliefs within me that run counter to what I am doing and I am excavating them on a daily basis so that the flow of abundance will be able to run true.

   At the moment one has become a little more obvious. I have a great book called Heal Your Body A-Z by Louise L Hay (check out the link at the bottom of this entry). Within this book it lists the mental causes for physical illnesses. While not completely exhaustive it does a pretty good job of narrowing the field to find the possible beliefs that play into physical issues. Usually it also requires a little bit of personal detective work to find the specific belief that feels true, even though you know it is not true.

    With me I have found several areas of chronic tension in my legs, muscles that refuse to relax even with direct massage manipulation or yoga. The only way I have discovered to get them to give in and relax is to find the specific belief and re-write it. So far, I have made more progress with this method than going to yoga for a year, even by doing yoga everyday for over a month!

    The latest area to undergo scrutiny is my ankles which always seem to be tense and inflexible. In the book it suggest that the ankles represent the ability to receive pleasure along with guilt. Now straight off it is difficult to immediately pin it down, since there are plenty of ways in which I am happily experiencing pleasure. But with my understanding of the chakras, the lower torso also represents the material plane...and then things start to fall into place. For me the idea that I could possibly receive pleasure while making money is one that seems untrue. Sure, it is ultimately possible for others..but for me? No. All my experiences point to it never working for me. Each new experience seems to compound this idea. But I also understand that while I hold this belief it will NEVER be any other way. 

    Changing a belief before one experiences it as a reality sounds a little ludicrous, but I have seen it work many times before. For me it is going to require a little bit of digging into the past to find exactly where this belief was born, or at least to a situation in which I felt that "Working is a miserable chore" became or was  a reality.   

   But the universe has been generous, we were gifted today with a cooked chicken, a backpack, a new flashlight and a feeling of lightness which I have not felt for a long while. Things are good and will be getting better!

   

   

Queen of Cups. Pandora's box and emotions.

   When I first drew this card I felt relatively nonplussed by this card and unconnected to the figure or the symbolism of the card. After a day of introspection on the card its meaning for me became very clear and actually held the key to a problem I have struggled with for some time. Before I get into the depth of my own personal interaction I want to take you through the general meaning and symbolism of the card.
        The Queen of Cups is the embodiment of watery emotion, connected to the astrological water signs Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. She sits upon her stone throne with a sea view, yet her gaze is fastened upon the strange chalice she bears in her hands. All the court cards in the suit of cups creep closer and closer to the water, until the King of Cups sits above it. Here the Queen sits at the waters edge, the tide lapping at her feet.
        Coloured stones lay at her feet in subdued reds, greens and blues. The throne she sits on is decorated with motifs of watery looking merfolk. The one above her head gazes upon her with an angry look on his face, the one behind her appears disinterested and the one on the side appears happy with his catch. These tiny elementals show the fickle temperament of the water signs, happy, then sad, then angry. All the water signs are at the mercy of their inner ocean, their emotions moving like the tides and never still. Even the solid looking throne is sat at the edge of the sea, ready to be submerged should the tides rise. The cliffs behind her, solid as they are, can still be eroded by the constant movement of the water.
         The Queen herself wears an ornate crown, which seems to match the even more ornate cup she holds. She wears a plain white dress with simple stitching up the side and a cloak with a water like pattern on the side. There is a level of innocence and purity about the Queen, as if she was not meant for all the harshness of the world and her clothing represents that watery nature in its pastel hues. There is a pale violet clasp at her throat which shows that there is a connection to a deeply intuitive knowing to which she is able to give voice.
      Of most interest is the expression upon her face, which appears to encapsulate sadness, disappointment, wonder and longing as she looks upon the cup. The cup itself appears of a fearsome design and what at first can be mistaken to be sharp talons, actually appear to be angels on closer inspection. This I feel represents the apparently cruelty and fickleness of the ocean and the incisive intuitive nature of the water signs (Scorpio....I am looking at you in particular) which can be either healing or damaging. The Queen ponders this golden contraption in her hand as if it may contain either the answers to all secrets or cruel horrors to be unleashed upon the world, or like Pandora's box...both.
     For me the Chalice is what draws my eye most in this card. It represents the secret, the unknown mystery of the emotionally complex woman. For all her apparent innocence, she holds in her hands a great key, that of  emotional insight. This emotional insight can be a terrible thing to unleash, or a beautiful gift and the Queen has the unenviable task of trying to figure this out before delving into her own depths and opening her feelings up to the world.
     We spent the day at a lake walking along the waters edge and finding clams, crawdad scraps and fishing lures. It seemed a good place to contemplate the Queen of Cups and it really felt as though we were walking along a beachfront, albeit a cold windy one. This strange synchronicity is just one of the many I am encountering on a daily basis as I explore the tarot and my own understandings of the cards.
      This card for me, has opened it's own Pandora's box and I wish to share some emotional events from my own past. When I look upon the card, it reminds me of my own mother, who happens to be Cancerian and prone to their very sensitive but emotional natures. Typically a Cancer is particularly driven by their emotional mood swings and becomes more overwhelmed by them than arguably any other sign. My mother embodies all the elements of this card, she is very sensitive and intuitive, kind, compassionate and loving. She is capable of feeling all emotions fully and deeply and anyone around her cannot help but feel them through her.
    When I was relatively young, my parents (both Cancerians) went through a particularly difficult financial period that lasted late into my teenage years. They did their best to shield us from seeing the worst of it and always made sure the home was a comfortable place to be and that we lacked nothing of creature comforts.
    Yet, there was one thing they could not shield me from which was their own disappointment in how things had turned out for them. The sadness and disappointment in the air was always tangible as it is around a Cancerian. For a young Leo, searching for encouragement and attention I felt living in this cloud of disappointment was very difficult for me and I internalised a great deal of it. I grew to feel that it was me they were disappointed in, for what young child can differentiate between what they feel and what their parents are feeling? For me seeing my own mother in a place of suffering that I could do nothing about gave me a deep sense of powerlessness.
   This carried across for me, for as soon as I was able I started to fulfill that disappointment myself. My grades soon dropped below average and I felt a constant disappointment to both my teachers and my parents. I can recall the disappointed looks on the faces of my teachers and parents when I arrived at parent's evenings when they would ask why I was not performing as well as someone of my intelligence was obviously capable of.
    I now realise that this sense of failure and disappointing others comes really only from my own ill-conceived  perceptions as a child. I know my parents are proud of me and spoken to me of such feelings and that what I picked up was simply their quite understandable feelings at the time. With this realisation comes a sense of liberation from this and the knowledge that I am capable and do not need to let myself or anyone else down. Not that I consciously did this, but this underlying belief is strong enough to cause problems with confidence in anyone.
   I am choosing to let go of the old belief that I am a disappointment and embrace the knowledge that I am capable and competent and that there are people in my life who are proud to know me.
 

7 of Swords. Deceit and dishonesty.

  This card is called the card of dishonesty and is the latest in a run of swords I seem to be pulling out of the deck. This rather innocuous card has open up a Pandora's box of different ideas and emotions in me. Before we get into that, I would like to look at the general theme of the card.
    The suit of swords as been established is related to the mental realm, thoughts in particular. The large number of swords is at this point still an unwieldy amount and creates an element of density in thought. The character  in the card appears to be in the process of making off with a bundle of swords from a camp. He is clearly sneaking away while the others are gathered in the distance unaware of his actions. The colour of the card..a sickly yellow suggests cowardice and his polka dot robe is reminiscent of a clown's attire, or the spots of the pox.
   Rather strangely his eyes are closed and an expression of pleasure is pasted over his face, almost as if his deceit is giving him a thrill. His face is pressed close to the blades and his hands and fingers clutch the naked steel in a way that would likely cause cuts and pain. There is an air of sadistic pleasure from this betrayer as he steals away what is not his.
    He wears a rather unusual hat, similar to a Morrocan fez which adds to his somewhat comical appearance. There is definitely an element of the trickster in this card, although it is without the wisdom of that archetypal being. His closed eyes show that he is not conscious of his misdeeds and may in fact say it was a joke or that he was not meaning to do harm, although the glee evident of his face suggests a sadistic pleasure in taking the power of others.
   The card suggests trickery, betrayal and malicious mischief. It can mean dishonesty and in-genuineness in someone you are dealing with, or in the way you are dealing with others.
   I drew this card late last night, just before I went to sleep and was asking for guidance with an issue that I am discovering with the Sahasrara chakra (Crown) which is at the top of the head. I have felt a great deal of issues bubbling to the surface after I have open up to the kundalini energy more and started to feel greater motivation. Doing this blog also brings things up almost continuously for examination.
   The issue with my crown chakra goes back a long way and in all honesty I have grown so used it that I have somewhat ignored the issue. I used to work for a bank in the UK and it was a job that was very stressful, my job was answering calls relating to the bank software which was usually failing to run people's wages. This meant most people who called were already stressed from their employees wages not being processed and often I had to inform them it was actually their error in not using the software correctly. At one point I was moved to a new section for which I was not trained because of some issue within the corporation. I was forced to deal with high value payment transactions with a very small window of time to fix them. I got calls from major corporations, often from all over the world trying to trace their lost payments which usually were valued in the millions. I was unfamiliar with the software and with the protocols and there was little to no supervision with managers passing off the problem. These calls would come in continuously, one after another with no break allowed between.
      I woke up one morning to find my pillow covered in hair and realised that I needed to get out of there. I walked in and found the head manager and told her either I get moved to a new department, or I would walk out. She moved me to another section and the hair loss stopped. From that point on the hair on the top of my head is a little sparser than I would like.
     This is what was connected to the issues with my crown chakra, but I could not work out how to remedy it. There is no reason why the hair should not grow back. There has been instances of hair loss in my family due to stress and I had passed this off as being the same thing. They had not found solution by leaving the job behind and neither had I..I gave it no further thought. Until now that is.
     That this card would appear in conjunction puzzled me. I could see no immediate connection between dishonesty and my situation. Yes, the bank had treated me badly..but they were hardly dishonest in their actions (those actions anyway!). I could not see me being dishonest in this either. I poured over the books I have on the cards and one detail stood out to me which was about in-genuineness. Did I really genuinely believe it was the right place for me to be? No..I didn't. It was in fact as far from being genuine to myself as I could get. Coming from an artistic and creative perspective, it was nothing like what I would hope for myself.
    With that I realised that I was being in-genuine with myself and that has never stopped. Sure..I understand my tolerances a little better now and know when to lay off a job that is no good for me before it develops into illness or stress. But that is hardly being genuine, it is simply flying under the wire of dishonesty with myself. All I was doing was flitting from one ill fitting position to another until I became too stressed to continue in any of them. This was not remedying the problem, but simply avoiding letting the symptoms get to an unmanageable level.
   The hair will not grow back, until I find something that genuinely fits with me. I can feel the heaviness on my crown chakra and I have felt the stagnant energy flow passing through that region. This of course leads to want to find out what it is that IS genuine for me. I already have a clue simply by where the issue is located...the crown...and no it is not being a King...even if I am a Leo...

The Necessity of Negativity.

   Negativity gets a lot of bad press. There is always someone going on about how bad it is for you.
    I honestly think this needs to stop. At first this may seem like a bad idea...but read on and you may just change your mind...
  Most of us have enough trouble feeling emotions without someone telling you there are certain ones we shouldn't feel.
   The idea that your body produces emotions that are bad for you is rather silly and quite a regressive idea. I too have fallen into this trap over and over again, this is especially true if you decided that you are someone who has decided that goodness is your chosen route.
     We have been told that such emotions as jealousy, anger, hatred, pity, sadness and disgust are all to be avoided as much as possible. Most of the religions are pretty much behind this message, polarising people one way or another. Buddhism for example is quite happy to tell us that ignorance, anger and lust are totally off limits, while suffering is a-okay. Christianity is alright with self-flagellating martydom, sacrifice and poverty, but you can't feel pride, envy or any form of desire relating to something that is not "yours". We get these mixed messages all the time. I picked some of the major religions there, but it is just as endemic in the new age philosophy in which hatred is giving a thorough drubbing along with fear.
    These are totally natural emotions to feel! All of them! There will definitely be periods in your life where you  have to feel them or risk dangerously suppressing them in order to remain OK with which ever philosophy you have chosen for yourself or the way in which you are living your life.
   All these emotions are giving us vital signals about things that are wrong with the way we are living. You feel jealousy that your lover is lusting after another..great! It means that you are getting a signal that things are not going the right way. You feel hatred your boss has fired a great co-worker? Wonderful!..now you can see that there is something up. You feel sad that you are single? Spot on! It is showing you that there are parts of a relationship that make you feel good.
     Now don't take what I have said the wrong way,  what the real message is, is that you should not let these feelings dictate your actions. Feeling hatred for your boss's callousness is all well and good and allows the emotion to pass through you, but throwing him/her out of the window is no good for any one, because face it, they will just hire another.
    What is really important is allowing yourself to really feel these negative emotions, let them up...let them out of whichever part of you that you have been squirreling them away in. Let the anger or the sadness rise up. Yes, you may feel bad for a while, but it is going to leave eventually once it has all come up. Once this is done then you will feel much better and maybe when it is all gone you can see what the real reason is that caused it in the first place. If this is a particularly powerful emotion, you may want to seek professional help in releasing it or finding a safe place to do so.
     This squirreling away of negative emotions is what causes those raw wounds that never heal, because you are not allowing the puss and foulness to leave your body so it is constantly fighting it. Another scratch in the same area and you feel it all over again! This is why we armour ourselves in the places we have been hurt so much. But if you let it out..then you won't need the armour!
    This has been a process for me and I am still learning to be okay with negative emotions surfacing. I let myself be angry for almost a whole year...that was pretty good for me. I now have my fire back. I had to warn people away of course, so I did no un-necessary burning. I recently let myself be okay with self -loathing..so now it doesn't have to slink around like a bad dog and try and avoid my gaze and in return it gave me back my motivation. Today self-pity meekly raised it's hand to be noticed. I don't know what gift it will give to me once I am cool with it, but I am looking forward to my new relationship with it. Maybe tomorrow disgust will wave a slimy tentacle and we can be friends too...
 

Prying open the third eye

 Last night I had a dream that was pretty disturbing, but I think it relates to the opening of my third eye, or at least the difficulties I have been facing in doing so.
  The third eye is actually one of the chakras located over the brow, the opening of which permits one to see clairvoyantly and to be subject to visions and visual insights. It is also known as the Ajna chakra in the Hindu systems of thought.
  The third eye can be momentarily opened through the use of hallucinogenic drugs such as peyote or DMT. I believe these drugs just give a chemical jump start to the pineal gland and have no lasting affect. They can open one up to the possibility although this is heavily negated by the fact that it was chemically induced and this makes people doubt its veracity, believing it was the drugs and not them even though it is merely activating chemicals already present in the body. I would not recommend such a course as it typically will bring up all the debris that is preventing it opening in the first place...usually resulting in a "bad trip".  Much better to clean the area out and have it open naturally.
     The Ajna chakra laying towards the top of the energy system is one of the later chakras to open on the path to individuation and that is why there is so few people who have active third eyes, literally the number of individuals reaching this stage of personal development is so small. It does function to some degree in most people, especially those with active imaginations although it is usually limited in its function by other belief structures overlaying this which naturally filter out anything which the person would deem abnormal.
     I will go into great depth about the form and function of each of the chakras in time, but for now I am going to take a look at the dream that initiated all this.
     Dreams are a great way to make progress, they are totally individual and suited to the recipient, although most people remain unaware of the meaning of dreams and it took me many years to begin to understand the language of dreams. I would strongly recommend it to anyone with an interest in personal or spiritual growth.
    Dreams speak to us in ways that paradoxically are so simple we fail to understand them. We often don't look at things in such a simplistic or instinctual fashion and therefore miss the point as we logically try and understand them. Dreams speak in symbols and in feeling, through both personal and archetypal imagery, often both at the same time. An image can be worth a thousand words and a symbol is worth much more than an image. Think of all the associations one has with just the image of something so simple as a dog. For many people this could bring up a personal wealth of feelings, sometimes good and sometimes bad depending on our past experiences. It also speaks to us on a primal level, we understand that it is a creature that doesn't have the same higher cognitive functions as us, that it is closer to the ground, that it is a symbol of loyalty and domestication. So when we dream we often don't even consider these levels or ideas and so can miss what should be an obvious meaning.
     In the dream I had, I was viewing a box car on a tram or a train. I was floating somewhere in the third person perspective (which suggests I don't feel particularly connected to any of the participants). There were two soldiers at the end of the car and one of them was trapped under some boxes. He was dark skinned and had a shaved head. He looked like one of the faceless evil minions I saw in a movie last night..that is bland and unremarkable. There was a third person... a shooter whom I could not see, but was closer to my viewpoint. He was firing a machine gun at the two soldiers and hit the soldier trapped under the boxes. He kept spraying the soldier with bullets and shot a line of bullets across his brow. I felt my own squeamishness in the dream and as if in response the scene became larger and more powerful. The shooter kept firing bullets into the face of the dying soldier, so much so that bullets actually started to leak from him. At this point the solider transformed in a demonic being, as if the extreme violence had created a new monster.The dream moved on at this point, to other incidental scenes.
     When I awoke I naturally did not want to confront this imagery, but I have learned that the most repulsive elements are usually the most important. Looking through my dream book ( I shall provide a link to it below..it really is a great book and would thoroughly recommend it!) I started to tease apart the meanings in each of the symbols.
    The trapped soldier is a helpless, although not blameless individual (what soldier does not carry some darkness in him). He represents an every-man to me, but someone who is defenseless against the unremitting barrage that is sent his way. That his brow is the first target suggests a connection to the third eye, given my intense introspection on the matter. He is also shot in the mouth which is relevant to later analysis. His transformation is suggestive of a darker element to this situation and a somewhat revelatory idea that his death creates a monster. That is demon is birthed through the violence and anger of the situation.
     It became apparent that the bullets were missiles cast at a helpless being who was deemed somewhat guilty of an unknown crime, therefore a worthy candidate for his punishment. What it reminds me of is an attitude I had hoped to leave behind. In the UK where I was raised it is popular to "shoot someone down" as a form of humour. If you can make the person look bad, then you yourself become elevated at their expense and if you can make everyone laugh at the same time all the better. This has been perfected to an art form in the UK and everyone is fair game, even yourself providing you can make sure that it is more humorous than damaging. There are entire TV shows based on this premise. I grew up in such and environment and naturally learned to develop this form of humour both as a defence mechanism and as a social prop.
    When I first arrived in the US on my travels I was immediately struck by something. That this cutting form of humour was not really present and many times it simply went over the heads of the recipients. My first rather uncharitable thought was that the people were not sophisticated enough to get it (barring a few alert individuals). Given that there was no riposte or defence from them, it started to very quickly just feel cruel. It felt like lashing out at puppies.  I soon started to relax and let go of this as a social prop or as a form of humour and found that I could open up to more genuine conversations without fear of reprisals.
   What I now realise is that although I have mostly let go of this type of humour, it still lives within me. I do on rare occasion poke fun at likely individuals and even if it never leaves my mouth, such ideas still rise up within me. While it would seemed harmless to continue this gentle form of ribbing, it obviously affecting how I perceive things and the benefits of letting it go outweigh the occasional jape at the expense of some helpless individual. Sending compassion rather than scorn for a weakened individual would be a better use of my energy and a more mature and wholesome attitude. It also allows more positive energy to flow through the chakra, rather than projecting outwards which disrupts the integrity of the third eye.
      While I would love to go into more depth about how to go about opening the third eye the journey is personal to each individual and it typically involves removing our own preconceptions about how we see the world. This can mean both how we physically see and allow ourselves to see with our mind's eye. But in the interest of including more, I have information on the Chakra tab near the title bar. Opening the third eye can be helped by using exercises or consulting a professional energy healer, the latter which I would recommend if it is a serious consideration for you.
   

Getting to the core of it.

  Yesterday I encountered the ghost of poverty past and now it is time for me to get the the actual core of the issue. So far whenever the issue of money is raised, it is followed by a spectre who believes it is in my best interest to be worried, concerned and at all costs...frugal.
   Even with this limited exposure to this new awareness I am aware that he is simply protecting a core belief which would be challenged if this issue were to suddenly disappear. The core belief is what creates the necessity for a guardian, without the belief the guardian simply disappears, or more correctly is re-assigned to a more relevant duty.  Rather than protecting an outdated ideology he becomes a proponent of the new more beneficent thought model (of course until that model becomes outdated).
    So I have been digging past the spectre to uncover what moldering belief systems he is actually trying to protect. Since I am aware of his concern, I can be gentle and understanding in that this part of my psyche is only trying to protect me.
    The thought pattern he adheres to is that I don't have enough and he is happy to inform me of this whenever I get it into my head that I want to expand in certain areas, typically financial..although taking a quick look at the core suggests it is significantly more important that that alone.
    Digging down I am finding that the belief is that spiritual energy is not able to directly affect matter. This is not an uncommon belief system and I would imagine that typically this belief is actually held by the majority of the populace, those who don't agree with this usually belong to fringe elements and are typically seen as great candidates for snug white jackets. Whether they are right or not seems largely irrelevant.
   My own belief system as it stand as of writing this article is that spiritual energy can affect matter, but only in an indirect fashion. With healing, I am affecting the dormant systems of the body to heal at a greater rate through some undiscovered but still very real method. There is certainly enough evidence to go along with this and typically is only hardcore materialists who have a problem with mind affecting body. This belief has worked great for me, and it makes it easy to try and explain my actions to skeptics and materialists. I don't have to lose their possible respect and can still be a pioneer standing on the edge of discovery. I am not quite one of those madmen wandering far from the defined borders of conventional wisdom who should definitively be avoided.
   Of course, if spiritual energy did directly affect materiality then I would hardly need to be concerned with the opinion of those who were clearly uninformed. The problem with this is that I understand that one's belief system does very clearly affect the way in which one interacts with the world. The very fact that I don't believe it can affect matter directly causes that particular reality to become concrete for me, so I never have to run into that particular bugbear.
   Money has and is the biggest example of this in my life. Trying to manifest money has led to no real tangible success for me, but beneath it all I don't really believe that I can direct the flow of money into my pocket. This very fact prevents it from occurring. Sure I can believe that I can affect it indirectly..being more positive is likely to affect my outlook in a job search or in an interview therefore smoothing the turning of the cogs. A positive frame of mind is always a boon and even the most difficult of materialists would have a hard time disputing this in a balanced fashion.
   But the very fact that this has emerged as an issue suggests that the inherent belief is faulty. One can find that even the workings of quantum mechanics suggest that the observer directly affects the outcome of the experiment, even if no verifiable proof of it occurring on larger scales than the molecular level is possible (a problem with the difficulty of such an experiment as I understand). Bringing up this idea of course meets resistance and I have been in many situations where talking about these ideas creates friction and disbelief.
   So, the question remains. If the belief that spiritual energy cannot directly affect matter is faulty and while I hold onto that belief all I do is cement that system in my own psyche how do I step beyond this without just floating away on clouds of fantasy?
    This leads to an impasse that cannot be surmounted without a level of faith which would then logically furnish one with the proofs I have been seeking. So there is no progression beyond this without a leap of faith and as I understand it there is no real risk. My current system of belief has led me to the impasse and it will allow no further growth. Since I am left with either sticking with a broken system or exploring out into the hinterlands of faith in the hope that I will find the necessary puzzle piece, it seems that there really is no realistic choice but to try it out...