I want never gets, a legacy of guilt.

   I have recently been opening up the rest of my energy system to kundalini energy. I have run into a deadly trap within my own system and it has been holding me up for a long while. Thankfully with help from some of my dreams I am making headway.
    Many years ago I had my first kundalini awakening, I discuss it fully in one of my first posts here. Suffice to say that it only opened up the energy in the upper part of my torso, arms, head and neck included. The energy didn't fully flow down into my lower torso or legs especially around the root chakra. I didn't think much of it at the time as the experience was new to me to begin with. It was only much later that I discovered that the energy within me was not fully balanced.
   The problem became a little more pronounced later, causing me to suffer from a restless leg style side effect which I later discovered were kriyas. The energy was trying to equalize during the sleep cycles or during meditation and it was much too strong to happen without a lot of discomfort and pain.
   This continued for many years and I simply didn't know how to go about resolving it. Other healers were at a loss and the strong physical aspect of it only served to frighten. Recently (within the last year) I managed to discover and resolve the blockage that was causing so much disturbance with deep meditation, relaxation and giving in to the discomfort. There was also a large psychological element along with emotional affects which also needed to be worked on. The problem has not re-occurred and I can now sleep and meditate without this energy spike occurring.
     It seems as though the work on my legs and feet is not quite finished though. The legs and feet correspond to the material world and my connection to it. I still am running into numerous material issues, both financially and health wise. Financially the flow is more of a drip. Health wise, my hips, hamstrings, ankles and the soles of my feet are subject to tension and inflexibility. Both aspects seem a mirror of each other. The major blockage has been resolved, but the pathways are still blocked.
    A few nights ago I had a dream which elucidated the problem. In the dream I was trying to move down a corridor which had several branches. All along the floor were tiny holes from which arrows and needles would fire forth whenever I moved along the corridor. It made moving down the corridor at any speed both painful and difficult. There were several painted pathways on the ground in blue and red and the blue pathways seemed the easiest to traverse.
    It seemed a perfect analogy for the matter at hand. Trying to move energy (or even blood or fluids) through my legs was a painful and slow process subject to pain. The faster I attempted to stretch my legs and hips out the worse it would become. Unfortunately the rate at which it is comfortable to move is too slow and any faster movement causes pain. This, like trying to make headway in my financial life is intolerably slow and not something that can be suffered for the long term. Looking at the problem only served to cause frustration and depression as there seems to be no alternative.
   So, last night I took a walk to Walgreens (a 24hr pharmacy) ostensibly to pick up some hot chocolate and a drink for Zoe so I could give myself some space to think. As I walked through the campus late at night listening to my ipod a thought occurred to me. I believe it was Einstein that stated that "no problem can be solved at the level it was created". This serves well for any situation and I realised that I was looking at the situation all wrong.
   Rather than seeing the traps as the problem to be overcome I needed to regard the entire situation from a higher level. I have been looking at how the situation is defended and not why. My body/mind system is seeking to stop movement along the pathway, especially anything large or fast. So there is a movement of energy, but only in small chunks, or larger ones if I don't mind taking the hits. I had to consider why is this considered a threat that needs to be reduced or eliminated. 
     I knew that I could rely on my subconscious to eventually figure it out, so when I went to bed I took my notebook and a little reading light. It seems that between 1am and 3am is the best time for letting my mind hazily drift over the topics without distraction. Note: I did not think about it, I just let my mind kind of gaze at it...seeing out of the corner of my eye as it were.
    Part of me thought that it was likely to do with success, that maybe I had a fear of success. But this although fitting the scenario did not get any traction. Then I began to consider that achieving success might bring forth unwanted feelings or thoughts. I looked at my own attitude and realised that a part of me just thinks it isn't possible, that regardless of how hard I try things aren't going to work out for me. That I am just doomed to not get what I want. Now this thought rang a bell.
    Many years back when I had my first experience with kundalini I was working on a big issue for me which was finding my voice. I grew up being painfully shy and unable to express myself. In the end it all came down to what I had been reinforced with since I was a small child. It was the phrase "I want never gets". This maxim had been hammered into me as I grew up. If I said the dreaded phrase "I want" I would be berated and told that I was being VERY rude and given sour looks. Obviously I would be racked with guilt if ever such a phrase slipped out of my lips. Instead I had to phrase everything to cause minimum offense and so that my parents could feel okay with denying my wants, since they were no longer wants, but only very polite requests. All and any of my desires ran the risk of being vetoed. I had to be grateful for whatever I got, even if it wasn't what I wanted.
      Now this all where it began to make sense to me. The protective system is in place to save me from actually getting what I want and therefore doing something shameful and bad. I have worked through my issues enough to be able to express those wants and desires, but as for actually getting them? This idea of "I want never gets" has been so deeply inculcated that it literally stops it from occurring. For me it is a deep universal truth and while I may be able to deny its truth on a mental and verbal level, physically and emotionally it is still just as true as when I was 5 years old. My body literally battles against my mind and tries to protect me from shame and guilt. It leaves me with a legacy of never being fulfilled as it would be asking too much from my poor beleaguered parents. A ridiculous and outdated program in my own psyche.
     The key in this is turning those guardian forces around and to have them working for me rather than against me. They no longer need to protect me from guilt and shame, which are always seen as omnipresent threats for undesirable behaviour. Then I could stop projecting these parental figures onto any beings/organisations etc that might hold my well-being in their hands be it people, bosses or even the universe itself! I can say I want and not expect punishment.
    For my full understanding I must look at the reverse side of why someone would say that in the first place. From my own understanding it is from that person's poverty mindset. I feel that reasonable requests and desires are never really outside of the realm of possibility. A parent often feels that they have to provide everything for the child, but this is a fallacy of limited thinking. The parent is only the vessel of transmission from the universe to the child. If the parent believes that their own desires are not being fulfilled by the cosmos, then they are likely to pass on that mindset to the child, even if this is not actually true. My desires as a child were well within the bounds of possibility, often a new toy I really wanted or the gift of time and attention from a parent. My parents had been living in a scarcity mindset and they felt those things were not even achievable. This was not actually true and the few things I really needed would never have broken the bank. If they had taken the time to look at the needs of a family, they may have realised that their lives were out of alignment and found new and more fulfilling ways of living. They each made their choices and placed the burden of guilt upon me as a child for not being a party to their conspiracy of poverty. My desires were punished with guilt and had to be quieted or smothered for the benefit of not upsetting the status quo. If this legacy were theirs alone then this would be a different matter, but I now must spend my time digging up the bones of the past so I can be free of their influence.
     Seeing this, I can now be free of the guilt and shame that I have felt towards myself and start to really consider what to do from hereon out. It was never my guilt and shame, but that of my parents.
     Knowing this I can re-purpose those defenses to protect from further assaults designed to make me feel the  guilt or shame of another. When I feel a desire arise I can then process it and defend it from those who would seek to make me feel ashamed of natural wants and desires. Guilt is a feeling that arises from within and we do not have to accept it from an outside source, so now I can move forward without having to figure out when to defend against being guilted when I don't feel that way.