Ace of Cups. Primal emotions.

   The Ace of Cups is, like all the aces the beginning of something new. The minor Arcana themselves typically denote an energy present in a situation. In the case of the aces, this energy is primal, new and very strong. I tend to see them as standing above the rest of the minor arcana, although not quite on the same par as the Major Arcana. 

  Cups is the suit of water (as if the large W emblazoned upon the side of the chalice didn't give it away). As such they symbolise the emotions in their watery aspect. 

    My expectation when I drew this card was that it would pertain to love as this is the attribution that is given in almost all the Tarot books I have looked over. Of course Love is the grandest of the emotions and naturally one would expect this card to be all about that. But expectations can often prove to be false as I discovered that love was not the subject of the card when I drew it.

   In the card we have five streams of water pouring from the cup and returning to the ocean below. The Chalice itself is made of pure gold and has three small bells hanging from it's neck, which one assumes would tinkle when the cup is pouring. Falling either side of the cup are watery yods (symbols of energy), twenty five in total. 

     The chalice itself is a powerful symbol, it's connections to legends, it's feminine nature and form and that it is a vessel for whatever we choose it to be. Many say the blade or the sharpened stone is the first tool invented, but I may argue that the vessel likely holds that accolade. A cupped hand or leaf was able to bring life giving water to a thirsty mouth well before we grasped a rock to smash something with. Taoism has a great reverence for the chalice and we have all heard the maxims about having to empty one's cup before it can be refilled. Chalices are present throughout the entire Tarot deck and appear not just within the minor arcana, but play prominent roles in some of the major arcana. 

        The idea of emptying my cup was what the card meant for me. In the last post I talked on finally being able to let go of a great deal of anger and frustration that I had found no place to release it to. I hadn't understood that I was holding onto this and a great many other things. 

       My life has been a search for how to return to a place of happiness that occurred many years ago. It was snatched away in the cruelest fashion and although I certainly did not want the same situation I have been looking for those same emotions that really now belong in the past. In understanding that those times have gone and with them the feelings that they encompassed. It is time to find new vistas, new emotions and new experiences. 

      I was finally able to articulate my rage at the universe for its cruelty and with it came a level of peace. In the card we see a dove, the eternal messenger of peace bringing a holy wafer with a cross upon it. To me it symbolises redemption and peace. Only by releasing suffering and emptying our cups back into the eternal ocean of the universe can it ever be refilled. 

    Beneath the godly hand offering the cup we can see an eternal ocean stretching into the distance. Upon the ocean float lily pads and their flowers. Lilies are flowers that grow from the decay and muck under the surface to create a truly beautiful flower above the waterline. They are a symbol to show that from death and decay, beauty can flower. 

    The Ace can symbolise that a new emotional beginning is in the offing, that by pouring out the dregs of our old emotional selves we can be refreshed and renewed. Our cups refilled once more and peace renewed.

   After a night purging myself of those old emotions I found the new day brought forth a whole selection of different and new options for me. My day filled up with appointments and people offered to pay early for my workshop, along with a host of other offers. It just shows that these things really do work!

   

4 of Swords. Rest and relaxation.

 The 4 of Swords is a card that I felt somewhat ambivalent about drawing. On the one hand it meant that rest was in order, while on the other hand I felt it meant it was unlikely to yield any great revelations. I feel I may have underestimated this card as I served only to prove me wrong!
    On the card we see a figure reclining on what appears to be a sarcophagus. It looks like he is no more than a decoration adorning the lid. His armour and sword suggest he may well have been a warrior in life. His hands are together in the universal symbol of prayer and a peaceful look is on his face. The sarcophagus is golden and contrasts strongly with the purple walls behind him. It seems the warrior has finally found peace and it is in death.
    It was Edgar Allan Poe who called sleep those little slices of death. He apparently loathed sleep and this is an outlook that is mirrored by a great deal of people. Rest and relaxation are looked upon with some form of disdain, as if they somehow steal part of our lives or allow it to fritter away in laziness. Our society deems rest and relaxation as being in many ways a necessary evil, that if we could do away with death, then sleep would become the next great enemy. Oh...that we could live our lives in constant business and industry. I for one do not follow such an ideal. Life without it's contrasts would be a terrible place.
      The figure on the battle is resting after a life of battling. So when I drew this card I decided that I should allow myself to rest, at least for the weekend. I put down all that I was working on, both internally and externally and allowed myself to rest...or at least I tried to. While my weekend was somewhat busy, it was pure relaxation, spending time playing games with friends and just generally taking it easy. I decided to relax my ban on games playing for that period since it was an in the interests of writing a piece on relaxation. I found myself feeling as if I was being lazy and unproductive..as if there should be someway to make my rest time more valuable. In the end I started to see the virtue of uninterrupted rest.
      On the wall at the back of the card hang three swords along with a stained glass window depicting a scene. The swords represent a rest from constant mental movement and the purple backdrop suggests a spiritual grounding for them, that there is a time to hang up your sword and simply rest. The stained glass window is somewhat confusing and it is a little difficult to work out what it is showing with any great clarity.  What I see when I gaze softly upon it is a saintly figure on the left giving something to a kneeling figure on the right. In the background of the window is a church or cathedral. It strikes me as being a holy sacrament of some type, that this period of solace and rest are requisite to receiving grace.
    The urge to fill one's time with productive tasks is a common one, but life has two sides and regardless of how we struggle at least one third of it will be spent resting in sleep. It would then seem that in order to fully balance our lives there should also be a period of time in which we also rest and relax during our waking cycle. This opens us to the idea that this would be wasteful, but in truth rest is necessary. After every in breath there is an out breath. After each movement there is a pause, stillness balances movement.
    It is only when we slow down and take stock, when we let our eyes adjust to the darkness do we see details we missed while we moved and acted. Like a camera on long exposure our consciousnesses can pick up background details, see details that are not visible to the cones in our eyes. Like the dark sensitive rods our consciousness needs a period of inactivity to become active. It is only when we close the gates of our minds and quiet the chatterings of our inner voices that we are truly ready to receive.
   What I discovered in the quietness was that in order to receive inspiration one must be willing to rest and receive. That not all down time is displacement. That sometimes playing games, switching off our minds and relaxing allows our subconscious to go to work on the area in our lives that our conscious working brains would never be able to grasp. That there is a difference between busy work and actual work, that there is a difference between avoidance and true relaxation. Ideally we can perform our work diligently then relax and enjoy our lives in an equally responsible manner.
    I personally discovered that being unconscious is not the enemy, it is the counterpart to consciousness. Without one another they cannot function.  Only by fully resting and relaxing can we be truly awake.

8 of Cups. Card of leave taking

   The 8 of Cups is a gloomy looking card, it has a dark background and a sad faced moon overseeing the figure as he departs leaving his cups behind.
    I have found as I pursue this blog that the energy of the cards has began to seep into my life and so drawing a gloomy looking card is not always my favourite thing as I wonder what it is that I am going to leave behind.
    Whatever is in the cups, it is enough for the figure to have grabbed his walking cane, his cloak and leave without even a glance over his shoulder. The somber blue of the sky and the strange moon face give an aura of sadness that hang over the card. The face of the moon itself seems to be confined within a circle of its own and I can only imagine that it is representing the dark side of the moon, even if it remains bright. This unusual symbolism suggests what would seem to be dark and sad, might actually not be all that bad.
    The last few mornings I have woken with a kind of sadness over me, a resignation. My business has taken off a little more, but for some reason the lull I am experiencing at the beginning of this new month in my work has affected me. Saying I was mooning over this slackening in business would not be far wrong. By drawing this card it forced me to consider my line of work and what it means for me. The creeping sense of dissatisfaction and boredom is at the fringes of my awareness and coming close on the heels of the last card (ironically, the 7 of Cups) it has allowed me to sink into the boggy ground of a certain ennui. The obvious thought is that I am dis-satisfied with my level of income and how it has restricted me and Zoe in our life and that of course that is what I wish to leave behind. On a certain level that is true, I would like nothing more than to be able to leave that chapter behind.
    In the card the traveller, for that is what he is regardless of what he may have been before he left, is prepared to leave it all behind. The eight cups, precariously balanced upon one another give no indication of what they carry. The upper layer of cups has an unusual gap, in which the traveller stands. It is if a small break in the situation has given him the impetus to step away from it all and set out on a journey. The destination of the journey is not as important as what he has been left behind.
   When I first left the UK and my call centre job for a bank I had the opportunity to work with a rocket scientist. What he was doing at the bank in a call centre I do not know, other than maybe to keep himself occupied after the military. I had told him of my plan to leave the bank and to go travelling on a journey, but I was unsure where to go. He told me that with getting a rocket to leave the atmosphere of the earth, it was not so important as to where it was going, but in generating enough force for it to push away from the ground so it could break free.
     The mountains that make up the background of the card are jagged and large and although the traveller appears to have a paved road ahead, his journey is not likely to be an easy one. It is the leave taking that is going to be difficult. The moon and the tides of the waters are holding him back. Gravity and inertia are his enemies and the small break is enough for him to set his intention and to push away.  The red of his cloak shows his vigour and passion to make a break for good and his green trousers show that his heart is also in this endeavor.
     As I considered my feelings this morning in bed, one thing occurred to me. It is not the situation that is frustrating me and bringing me down, although that doesn't help. It is the feelings themselves that I wish to leave behind. I will doubtless encounter further lulls in my business and even in my life. I cannot seriously expect that everyday will greet me with the promise of exciting work or wonderful opportunities. If everytime I find a lapse or a lull in the flow of things I engage with these feelings, then I will find they play a larger role in my life than I would like. The feelings of disappointment, of boredom or inertia are the feelings I really wish to leave behind. Outside of those worries it is a beautiful day and there are plenty of opportunities to enjoy my life or to choose to engage in positive activities.
     This card challenges us to face upto those parts of our lives that have dragged us down, those emotions that we would rather project onto external situations and to leave them behind. It is about leaving negative behaviours, patterns, emotions or even relationships behind us and to push onto greener pastures, regardless of how hard it is to break out of their gravitational pull.

7 of Cups. Day dreaming and indulgence

  The 7 of Cups is an unusual looking card, it has plenty of bright and attractive looking objects placed in the cups. The figure however, the one we are meant to presume represents us is darkened by shadow and is in sharp contrast to the luminescence of the rest of the card.
    This card, for all it's attractiveness is one of the more difficult cards to work through (at least for me). It represents various desires that are ungrounded and fantastical. Castles in the sky.
   Today is the release date for a new video game (Mass Effect 3) and it is the finale in a series that has been running for a number of years. The desire to play this and to sink into the unconsciousness it promises is strong for me. I would imagine the main storyline of the game would taken no less than 60 hours to complete. That is equivalent to a full work week or more and given that this is an estimate for a quick playthough, it would likely span  much more than that.
   There is nothing inherently wrong with playing the game, nor the idea of spending my time in a leisure activity. But, at the beginning of the year I promised myself that I would set aside my controller to focus more heavily on my work and business and other aspects of my life. At this point a 60+ hour investment in a solely imaginary realm is more than I wish to invest. Also a few of my friends wish to have a weekend long gaming marathon this coming weekend which I would love to partake in and another distraction would be ruinous.
     The figure on the card has lots of options and they all look enticing. There is a floating female head, one presumes representing a desirable dream partner. A ghostly figure represents a mysterious glowing figure cloaked in cloth, which may represent a chance for spiritual illumination. A snake crawls from the third cup, promising either earthly desires or wisdom depending on one's associations. The fourth cup shows a castle, maybe a house or land (or even a tower eerily similar to the one in The Tower card). The fifth spills forth jewels and gems, tempting one with abundance and wealth. The sixth card has a laurel wreath, promising glory, honour and victory (but the skull on the cup shows this may come with a price). The seventh cup holds a blue dragon, the temptations of the lower realms and sloth. The cups represents the myriad of forms that our temptations can take, some more attractive than others.
     If the games were the only desirable temptations, then things would be easy and I could stick to my convictions. As the card suggests, there are a plethora of choices and I find myself trying to choose how to prioritize my time and finances to make the best of the options. Do I save it for food or spend it on the new shoes I could use in my martial arts? Do I go to class tonight and possibly leave myself short for other options? In the end one could choose none, but still achieves nothing.
     This card is known as the card of illusory success and it is easy to see why. With so many choices open, it looks like success is within easy grasp, but every choice is a choice not to select the other options and the fear that they may all disappear like a mirage even if one does reach for them.
    The figure is faced with an illusion, none of the cups are real and all the choices float on a cloud. All they serve to do is to delay, confuse and exhaust the querent as they are forced to evaluate and re-evaluate their options. The fear present is that one may choose the wrong cup and find it is not what they want at all, or that they must forsake all options but one. Even abstaining from choice is an interaction with the energy present in the card.
     Like all mirages and illusions, one must see through them and not allow them to lead you astray from the path. There are plenty of mythological analogies of beings who are there to tempt one from the real road with offers of riches or fame, or of that we really want. We read of it happening in our favourite books or films and scream at the protagonists that the mirage is not really there, that it is leading them astray, yet when faced in life with the very same situations how easy it is to justify our desires. It might not be a proverbial castle or image of  your mother calling your name, it may simply be security, enjoyment or a cessation of our worries and fears. When the sirens of our own desires call, can we hold fast to our true course...or do we dive from our ships only to find it was all an illusion and we have left the path behind?

 

7 of Wands. Standing your ground.

  The 7 of Wands is all about standing your ground and fighting on against the odds. This card has been very relevant for me and it's timing is perfect in arriving as I have been dealing with this very issue.
    The figure in the card holds staff across his body, ready to defend both himself and the piece of ground he is fighting to maintain. Below him are six staves, which appear to be threatening or menacing him. The landscape beneath him also looks like a miniature landscape, as though the figure himself is a giant.
   Standing my ground is something I have preferred to avoid, certainly when it has been against overwhelming odds or the threat of violence and harm is present. I have preferred to surrender the ground and move to a better vantage point, rather than hold one particular spot. While mobility is a great thing as many times dropping back will allow you to re-assess and find a better avenue, there are times when you must hold your ground.
   This concept emerged strongly during the Shamanic workshop I undertook this past weekend. My first journey into the state of altered awareness revolved around the concept of standing my ground. I found myself reliving several memories in which I had surrendered my position in order to keep the peace, even though I knew I was in the right. As a result I lost a piece of myself in these situations and made it easier to give it away in the future.
     In the journey I was taken back to an event in my teenage years in which a friend overstepped his bounds and I ended up having to forcefully eject him from my parent's house. His social position in my group of friends however meant that unless a compromise was reached I would remain on the fringes of my own social group. They had remained stoic and unwilling to step down on either side of the disagreement (for fear of taking sides), even though I was clearly in the right. It became a situation in which I felt I had to surrender my higher ground in order to reach a compromise and remain in good graces with my social group. This laid the road for further situations in which surrendering my moral high ground became the norm, especially if I was in the minority. In the journey I was able to find all the pieces that I had surrendered and re-attach them. In doing so it laid the groundwork for me realising something about the whole process. In the journey a guide appeared to me and informed me that "ground is never lost, it is only given".
       With this profound piece of information I was able to look upon the situation under an entirely different light. In all the situations that arose during my journey, it was I who chose to let go of my ground. I was not defeated, I simply surrendered that ground when I felt the stakes had become too high. The bar of which I measured the stakes progressively became lower and lower as the instances occurred, so as to the point in which surrendering my ground under the most trivial of difficulties became the typical response.
     In the card, the figure maintains a higher ground. He defends against threats from below himself and to compromise his position would lead to defeat and a loss of power and self. He fights not from a position of ego (as in the 5 of Swords) but from a spiritual understanding of right and wrong. He may be outnumbered and beleaguered, but his position is in alignment and he can and will triumph. He would not only be surrendering ground, but he would also be surrendering right.
     The idea of right and wrong can be a thorny one and many people will argue that there is no "right " or "wrong". This ideology can leave you in a very dangerous position, unable to defend or fight for what is right or to recognise when one is wrong. It is true that life is more than a simple black and white, that there are many different hues and tones. But we live in a relativistic world and so both extremes must necessarily exist in order to create a spectrum, otherwise it results in a simplistic world of grays. There are times when people will commit actions that are "wrong" and this can clearly be felt on an internal level. Mental justification for these wrongs in order to maintain a simplistic world view or to preserve one's own ego is wrong and must be avoided at all costs.  It whittles away one's integrity and ability to stand against injustice and evil.
      A minor detail on this card is that he wears differing footwear. On one foot, he wears a boot, on the other a shoe. This is representative of his unusual standpoint, of his unorthodox methods or ideologies. Often times this is what can spur these types of situation, defending an unorthodox perspective from the lesser ideologies that threaten it.
     The figure will vanquish his detractors, he holds the high ground and therefore the universe stands behind him regardless of the odds he faces.
     

5 of Wands. Battle and conflict

  When this card appeared as the next card for me to review I understood immediately what it was telling me about my personal life. The five figures in the card are in battle against one another, using their staves as weapons. Just the day before I had taken my old wooden practice sword out of my cupboard and was going through some practice moves. It has been many years since I used it and the idea to take up martial arts once more had been surfacing in my thoughts. So when this card appeared from my shuffling the deck, it made sense.
    The five figures on the card are all clad in differing tunics and so the idea arises of a clashing of ideas, of individual attitudes and opinions. The staves are a fiery suit, so the battle is impassioned, even if there is no malice intended. The five precedes the six (The card of victory), so one comes to the conclusion that victory is the intended outcome of the battle. Whether or not one arrives there is another matter.
    Getting to the martial arts class was a battle for me. Things have been going much better for us recently and the money has begun to flow in as a regular stream of clients has begun to arrive at my door, I presume attracted by positive reviews of my work. Of course, paying for classes, uniforms and taking the time from my newly busy schedule is a consideration that was weighing upon me. The typical fear arose that I would not have enough and it was a battle to not want to retreat and bury my head in the sand, to engage in some less "costly" endeavor. The fact that I had drawn this particular card, showed me that there may be something deeper going on, so I pushed through my fears and went.
      The class, did in fact bring up something deeper. Something I fear I have been avoiding. Something that does require my attention. Over the last few days, I have have several dreams and an encounter or two that has pushed on my boundaries, in fact pushed them down and camped directly in my living room. I don't shy particularly from conflict, or at least that is what I have believed of myself. But I have seen of late my own tactics of giving ground. It was particularly apparent in sparring with the other martial artists. Being somewhat out of shape, I am not as fast on my feet as I once was and I found myself back-peddling, giving ground and retreating.  It also happened several times with people who invaded my personal space and rather than pushing back, I gave ground. It seems I am okay when I can keep things where I want them, but if they get up close I find myself instinctively panicking. My lack of fitness and agility meant that this retreating element was brought to the fore. Previously I would have responded with equal speed and swift ripostes, but now without that speed it outlined the instinctual fear of letting someone in close for fear of being hurt. A big part of me wants to shrug this off, but it was there staring me in the face and I cannot say it was not so. Whether it goes deeper than mere intimidation and confrontation I cannot say yet.
    The card tells us that a battle is inevitable, how we deal with that fact is up to us. I have found that while I do not give up, I certainly give ground. While before I would have rather have given ground rather than hurt another, I am wondering if that is truly always the best course of action. Surely there are times when one must stand their ground, both literally and figuratively, even if it means possibly harming another. By robbing another of the consequences of their actions we harm ourselves in their place. By building the courage to stand my ground I develop the ability to help others learn from their actions and to not give up a part of myself  by the giving of ground. How this will translate into my martial arts practice and daily life is yet to be seen!

10 of Swords. Defeat and failure.

  The 10 of Swords is one of those cards that people dread to draw, the imagery alone is enough to frighten people away from understanding the meaning behind this card. I had been a little nervous of drawing this card, as my life usually reflects the energy of the card that is currently in play, when it arrived yesterday I immediately knew what it pertained to.
   The figure in the card has been pinned to the earth by the ten swords and his life blood pools below him. Above him dark clouds gather as he gazes sightlessly out towards the ocean before him.
   Failure, defeat and humiliation are the bywords of this card and its energy. Of course, they are not pleasant and pain is doubtless going to ensue. It the the fulfillment of a road not followed, a path ignored. This can only lead to pain, humiliation and outright failure. Each one of his thoughts has come back to destroy him and immoblise him with their weight and deadly force.
    This card can be the culmination of a series of bad or uninformed choices that eventually leads us to this point. The weight of all these choices finally brings us down and gives us no choice but to buckle under their weight. It is the end of a phase, it is a stage of completion and from it something new will emerge. The tens are always completion and as such, even though it is difficult to see in this card, presage a new beginning.
     Each of the swords is driven into the spinal column, creating a line down his back. The spine is the vessel for the energy of awakening and it shows that in order to awaken one must go through a painful initiation, on all levels.
    In my own life the symbolism of the card speaks directly to me. During the last stretch of my life I have ignored my own health and fitness, choosing to focus on other areas of my life. As a result there are deep tensions in my body that need to be worked out. In order to do this I have found a friend who is willing to work on these deep tensions in exchange for energy work of my own. He uses a technique known as the Spiral technique, which involves massaging out the stuck and calcified spots in my musculature and tendons. Regardless, there is pain involved as these spots are pressed on and straightened out. At some points the pain is very intense as I can literally feel the tense muscles coming apart and releasing their toxins. The massage actually involves me laying face down and having a blanket lain over my body similar to the pose adopted in the card. It does indeed feel as though swords are being pushed into the super tense areas.
    I understand now that in order to release this mindset I must fully release all these blockages, even though it is a very painful process. I must take greater account of my health and fitness if I am to continue in the field of health and well-being. Don't get me wrong, I am hardly unhealthy or weak, but I am certainly far from my ideal and as a result there is no way that I can advocate being physically healthy and at the peak of fitness without sounding hypocritical.
   I only arrived at this juncture by not listening to my physical needs and not keeping on top of things. There have been mitigating circumstances that have not made it easy up until this point, but I also have to accept that I did not do all that was possible. The road to recovery will be hard, painful and most likely humiliating. But if I accept this as my journey, then I can rise above it, even as I push through it.
  In the card you can see in the distance on the horizon, that there is a light creeping in, even if the current prognosis is grim. This card is a what happens when you ignore the wake-up call in an area of your life and must eventually face your own failure. Drawing this card alerts us to areas we may have ignored or given up on. It shows us that from this point progress is possible, but to do so we must go through the difficult and painful process or removing the fruits of our ignorance. These toxins have to be removed and doing so is painful as we have to see exactly where we have failed. It can serve to grant us a new level of humility, which is borne from suffering humiliation and raising ourselves above it. 

3 of Wands. Struggle and success.

   

The Three of Wands is an interesting card for many reasons. At first glance it is similar to the previous card, the Two of Wands. It has a figure surveying the land with a stave in hand. This card has a different feel to it though.

    I feel a connection to the figure in this card, his mismatched clothing suggests he has travelled far through many different lands to get to the position he is enjoying now. His patchwork cloak suggests this traveller has adopted many differing attitudes and mixed them together. The sufi's would often caper around as fools in patchwork cloaks, similar to the idea of a jester's motley. To the average man, the jester would seem a ridiculous figure garbed in bright and unfamiliar colours. His actions would seem bizarre and nonsensical, yet he would be the only figure in the court who would be able to speak candidly to the King or Queen without fear of reprisal. His role as fool would protect him from repercussions and would often allow him to be party to conversations or knowledge that others would never hear. 

     The traveller in the card though seems as though his destination is in sight. He has climbed to a pinnacle and now looks down upon the next leg of his journey. Before him spreads a golden sea with ships upon it. It is left to the observer to project their own consciousness onto the card as to what the final destination is. For some simply arriving at this point after struggle may signify success and it does, but one that is not fully complete. Complete success is found in the next card, the 4 of Wands. The success enjoyed in this card is transitory at best, it as arriving at the crown of a hill to see the real peak still laying before you. 

     For me the destination is the mountains beyond the sea. How I will get there is the question. Drawing this card has raised some interesting thoughts and feelings in me. It, coupled with recent events in my life have brought forth an interesting aspect of my own consciousness. The idea of struggle and success are relevant to me at this point in my life. I have certainly seen struggle, but it raises the question of whether it needs to be present in every situation. It seems as though I have enjoyed no short cuts in my life. But how much of that is my own doing?

    Zoe said to me that I always take the most difficult route to success and that it is not always necessary to do so. She is right in that and I am hoping this card may offer a key to change that dynamic. In order to better understand this I allowed myself to visualise myself within the card's environs. I found that naturally my expectation would be that I would not find passage on the ships to cross the sea and would end up walking around the edge of the sea to get to my destination or by bartering my labour for a space in the hold. I do understand the need for determination and tenacity, but when my own imagination makes me walk around the sea I understand that something else is going on here.

    I know that when such things have occurred in my life I have hardened my anger and frustration into resolve to push on through. I guess maybe it is the English stiff upper lip that is responsible, the part of me that responds to extreme difficulty by battening down the hatches and carrying on. History is replete with such English stoicism and while somewhat admirable I can't help but feel that that mindset may help perpetuate the problem. The reality I give it my own mind creates the problem in my external reality. 

     This hardened anger and resolve has formed a pattern that has crystallized around my hips as I have literally 'girded my loins' to push on. As a result I have deep tensions in my hip joints. I know I find it difficult to see any other solution than pushing on through the rough stuff. Anyone who has spent time in the UK knows that soldiering on is often taken as something one must do to get by on a daily basis. Shattering this paradigm is proving a little difficult as my usual way of dealing with a difficulty is actually the problem. Even the previous sentence shows how deeply held it is, that I would even view it as difficult. 

        The solution lies in learning to see an easy solution, or seeing the solution as easy. Once this is done then the difficulty in each situation will fall away and I will be able to find shortcuts and simple solutions. Believing that there is an easy solution is the first step, this will stop me "giving up" on a shortcut and resorting to the long arduous path. This will keep me conscious in the situation and prevent me from falling back into unconscious patterns which I am looking to dissolve. I have already build the "character" that hardship imbues one with and any further difficulty begins to look like laziness on my part.

3 of Swords. Heartbreak and break up.

  The symbolism of this card is pretty apparent, the three swords piercing the heart through with a cloudy backdrop just shouts heart ache and sorrow.
   I was concerned when I drew this card and Zoe gave this card a look and said we might be in for some friction. I left the card to sit for a while, because quite honestly I wasn't feeling a great deal of heartache. The card has sat for a few days now and I have not noticed any unusual friction within my own life. I have however noticed a great deal of it going around.
    Many of the women in the periphery of my life have been struggling to extricate themselves from difficult relationships, relationships that have included abuse emotionally and sometimes even verbally. Friction is not uncommon within relationships, but sometimes it is more than simple two individuals rubbing each other the wrong way. In these instances breakup is only ever going to be the healthy option.
    The heart in the card is pinioned by three blades from above, the clouds are dark and rain falls. Yet behind the heart is illumination showing that beyond the heartache something new and fresh lies beyond.
     Heartbreak is difficult, but sometimes the heart needs to be broken open so that it can feel once more. The walls we build around our hearts are often strongly re-enforced and nothing short of a sundering will bring them down. This is not the falling walls of The Tower card, it is an energy that can be felt and risen above regardless of its intensity.
   The three swords in the card also speak of a trinity connected to the heartbreak. This may be another person in the dynamic or an external event outside two individuals. Wherever three instances occur there is often something greater happening.
    A colleague of mine (who I am yet to meet) has informed everyone at the healing centre that we all currently going through a process of letting go of old emotions as our spirits are being elevated. I am unsure of whom he is meaning when he states this (I get the feeling he is talking globally) asI usually don't connect easily to these mass trends occurring. Although in this case I have felt rather emotionally unusual in the last few days and have heard similar reports from those around me. It may be astrological, circumstantial or synchronous but it is definitely occurring, at least to me and those within my immediate circle.
     I was able to cast of this unusually morose upsurge of emotions this afternoon and I feel it may be related also to witnessing people throwing off unhelpful energetic structures and attachments.
    But back to the subject of heartbreak. When we release these old attachments, it can feel like our hearts are pierced through. One interesting thing to note is that this card falls in the suit of swords which are in the mental realm. One would assume heartache should fall within the realm of cups or emotions, yet it doesn't. What are we to make of this unusual detail? Is it possible that this heartache is occurring due to damage to the ego?
      The swords are piercing and destroying the heart and in doing so are removing our illusions about love and its influence in our life. Nothing can actually harm our immortal spirit, but the emotional constructs we build up around ourselves can certainly be shattered and if we are strongly attached it can certainly feel like our spirits are being torn asunder. The true connections we have with one another can never really be harmed, it is only our frail emotional bodies that suffer when we break up. It is the attachments we held in our hearts that are really sundered. It is an illusion that is painfully real that has been pierced. If there is nothing left when the attachments are lost then it suggests that there was nothing there to begin with, but those we are truly connected with are not lost through simple emotional turmoil.
   You can love someone dearly, lose them and yet not suffer heartbreak through an understanding of the continuation of spirit. When heartbreak and pining for the lost attachment occurs, it is not the person you mourn but the loss of illusion and what you thought was real. This difficult moment can be used to see what illusion you were so attached to in the other and then use it realise that part actually lies within you. Heartbreak is a powerful lesson and many people try and leave it behind as quickly as possible without seeing that within it are the seeds to avoid it happening again to us, if we would only stop to see what it is we feel we lost.
   So if you are suffering from heartbreak or loss, remember that we never truly lose loved ones, it is their influence or what they represented to us that we are mourning.
   
   

Page of Pentacles. The sensualist.

   The character of the Page of Pentacles is an earthy one.  The figure in this card has a masculine look even though the Page's are often regarded as the "Princess" cards, representing either young or female characters.
   He gazes raptly upon the pentacle in his hands, similar to all the court cards with the suit of pentacles. This suit has a very absorbing quality which causes many people to get caught up in the material aspects of their lives. The pentacle itself looks almost weightless in his hands, as if it were ready to float away.
    The card itself is very green and verdant and the colours particularly stand out with a lot of contrasts between the greens and reds and the oranges and blues. There are flowers beneath his feet and a copse of trees behind him, while to the right one can make out a field which appears in the Knight of Pentacles.
    There isn't a great many clues as to the nature of this individual other than he represents the earthy aspect of earth. In such, he is enraptured by the very element of earth. He is likely to prize the sensory nature of his being as being paramount. Taste, touch, smell, sight and sound are all important to him. He is a sensualist in the purest sense of the word. He is the child of the earthy court cards and as such is still very much like a child learning to experience the world through their body.
     This character has not learned enough yet to be pragmatic or set in his ways, he simply is too absorbed within his own experience to give it much thought. His lack of all the other elements can have him come across as emotionless or lacking in the finer aspects of being, but he is simply uninterested in them.
   The pentacles themselves are related to money and this is important to him, it is gateway that allows him to pursue greater sensory indulgences. Touch is also a primary sense for him and any career or occupation that allows him to be tactile works well with this character, he likes to be physical and to work directly with his hands. The predominance of green suggests he could be a gardener or be somehow connected to the vegetative world.
   This card is not an aspect I have a great connection with and is an element I find difficulty embodying. My astrological chart has no earth in it and until recently green has held little or no interest to me as a colour. The appearance of this card does relate to an aspect of my life that I am attempting to bring into fruition though. I have recently been in touch with a massage school here in the hopes of being able to add this modality to my skills. I have done energy work for almost 10 years now and have been happy to continue to build and grow my skills there. But, recently I have found the need to expand and add an earthy element to my practice. There are simply some difficulties within the energy system and body that are much easier to deal with physically. Most problems have a physical element at least somewhere in the process and that has been an element that I have been unable to work with.
    The sticking point has been money. My business has picked up a little, certainly enough to feel a little more comfortable with how things are progressing and there is certainly hope for the future. But it is not quite at the level where I am comfortable also paying for a course in massage along side it. This is a shame as I have the time, but not the resources to make it work at the moment. Since I am a relatively new resident in the US I am unable to get any kind of loan as my credit score has to start from scratch.
   I have definitely been feeling the need to add an earthy component and this card is another nudge in that direction. The page however is never likely to take financial risks, he is too practical for that and I feel in this he is right. I have certainly undertaken more than my fair share of risky ventures and been burned just as many times.
  However there is also the part of me that understands that I may well be trying to make this choice because it is the seemingly best of available options. Settling for a choice that doesn't fully fulfill simply because it is available is a difficulty I have faced before and I often have trouble with this especially when it comes to material choices. There are often better ways to be fulfilled and leaping for a boat that is passing close by, but not stopping for you can be a risky proposition. Unless you are certain of course and I don't feel certain about this.
   I believe in the end the card is showing me a possibility, certainly one that could become a reality. But is also a chance for me to see how strongly I want it and right now I am wavering, so I don't feel I will be leaping for this anytime soon.

8 of Wands. Movement and speed.

   The Eight of Wands has no figures in the card, which makes it somewhat unique. Usually the cards will include figures in order to create a connection with the viewer, but this card harks back to older decks which didn't always include them. Instead we are treated to the eight wands angling downwards as if they were arrows falling from the sky.
    In the majority of the cards I have tried to connect to the element of each of the cards without recourse to looking for their meaning detailed by another. In the case of this card I found it difficult to connect without looking at what others had written about this card. In most decks and in other books on the Tarot, there is some discrepancy between the supposed meaning. When I first read on the Tarot I understood this card to mean quickness, movement and fiery electric energy. I have, however read that this card can also mean blockage or hold up. I don't particularly subscribe to this element, other than it could relate to this energy not being present and thus causing a blockage.
    Since the wands in the card resemble arrows falling to earth, at least to me, I connect to the meaning of things happening quickly and use it as such in my readings. When you do this, that is what the card becomes to you. There is also an element of uncertainty as everything in the card is up in the air.
     The way I understand the energy of this card, it is similar to the sense of timelessness one gets when you are watching something moving very quickly and it appears to hang motionless for a moment. The arrows in this card have been fired into the air and are rapidly moving to their destination, but while they are in the air there is a silence and timelessness. There is a beauty in these moments, the eternal pause while moving rapidly.  The card speaks of the energy of movement, yet not frenetic movement such as in the Knight of Swords who charges madly forward.
     There is a precedent for this type of energy in my life at the moment. All my arrows are in the air and I must wait and watch them speed to their destination. The moment of action has been set in motion and the energy is carrying forward without my influence any longer. All that remains for me is to see which arrows strike their target and which miss.
      In my life I have set forward in many different projects. I have begun to pursue my art a little more actively as well as launching many different ideas into motion at my workplace. They centre is planning to create retreats for tourists to a plot of land in the painted desert and it is already in motion. Along with several other side projects that have been initiated.
      The background of the card is pastoral and suggests relaxation and calm while your ideas speed their way to their targets. The card has a certain zen aspect of being in the moment and still even in the midst of action. It reminds me somewhat of my martial arts background in which great speed is achieved without thought, that instinctual moving followed by a calm observation of the moment that follows. Any other energy is extraneous and unnecessary.
 

6 of Swords. Moving away from turbulence

     The Six of Swords is a card that is usually the precursor to a journey of some kind. The figure in the card is guiding a gondola away from turbulent, and one presumes shallow waters to a distant land visible on the horizon.
     Since the card is in the suit of swords this relates to a mental endeavor, a moving away from an emotionally troubling situation. This has been happening in my own life rather recently. It has been no secret to anyone reading my blog recently that this past year has been one of emotional and financial turmoil. I got a great deal done on a personal level. I broke through my artistic and motivational block, I found a new workplace for my healing and I put a very difficult personal matter to rest after a number of years. This has all been tumultuous and I am grateful for those who offered me the support and help I needed during this time (Zoe especially).
     This however is a new year (just entering into 2012) and it presents an opportunity to fully leave behind the emotional difficulties of the past.
     The figure is moving the heavily laden barge to a far off destination. One can see the turbulent waters close to the front of the card and the smoother waters beyond. On the barge is huddled a figure in a cloak and a young child along with the six swords. You cannot see their faces or their expressions but you can see they are slightly hunched over and there is an air of weariness about them.  It is easy to imagine that it has been a long and difficult journey and the emotionally difficult situation is only just ending. We cannot see the shore that he has left behind and must look towards where he is heading.
           Moving ahead requires looking forward and that is what this card is asking us to do. Even though there is a level of turbulence still around the boat and he is still poling them through it, he looks to the future and the smooth sailing he will encounter before he reaches his destination.
       The six in each suit always represents a level of harmony, even in the sometimes troublesome suit of swords. In this card in particular you can feel the sense of relief that the figures in the card feel in heading to calmer waters. The cargo of swords that has probably weighed them down through the tumultuous emotional roller-coaster ride may actually now cease to be such a burden and may even prove useful. The card represents the enjoyment of a journey, when you are out of trouble and the destination is in sight.
      I can really feel the energy of this card in myself and in my life. I remain optimistic about this new year and the opportunities it will offer and the troublesome burden of all the thoughts I carried throughout the journey may find a worthy home.
     The three figures in the card, like dream symbolism represent the aspects of the body, mind and soul. It also relates to the trinity of male, female and child. It suggests that all of you is moving out of danger, not just one isolated element. Whether this all represents your family or simply all one person represents, it is a good sign.
     Like all movement it is always the beginning part, the overcoming of inertia that is the most difficult and challenging. Once movement is attained, then everything often goes a great deal smoother.

2 of Pentacles. Uncertainty and imbalance.

  The 2 of Pentacles stands at the beginning of the suit and after the strong Ace, promising new beginnings we are already suffering uncertainty. The two pentacles represent material goods, work, money and even health.
    The figure is standing on one leg and trying to balance the two coins, while wearing an absurdly tall hat. Not to mention the roiling sea behind him.
   Everything about this card shouts that things are unsettled and are trying desperately to find some level of equilibrium. The figure himself looks disinterestedly off into the middle distance as though this unsettling situation is an everyday occurrence. I find myself sympathizing with him as his situation accurately depicts my own at the moment.
    His garb is simple reds and yellows, which depict this uncertainty as occurring both on a physical and mental level. Binding the pentacles together  is a green band shaped into a lemniscate. This green loop is the symbol for infinity, but in this instance it only seems to underline the fact that uncertainty and change are constant and eternal. Unusually his shoes are also this bright green, which seems to suggest that balance is found in aligning with the heart and grounding that energy.
     The figure is somewhat reminiscent of a court jester with his bright clothing and tall hat. The hat seems to further accentuate the rolling and tilting feel of the card. Hats are usually representative of the mental attitudes we possess and he is using that element in the card to make sure he doesn't overbalance. You may also notice the line across the floor near the edge of the sea, this makes the figure look as though he is on stage and the backdrop may merely be a painted image.
     Regardless of the figure's juggling , he does seem to have reached a level of equilibrium within his unorthodox posture. He reminds me of a circus clown who while appearing to be on the verge of constantly falling somehow manages to maintain his equilibrium and not spill whatever he is carrying.
     The ships in the background are riding the comically curving waves and their journey if those waves are to be believed would certainty be bumpy.
     This card is how I feel at the moment in my financial situation. I am juggling several different possibilities for work, while trying to maintain a firm base and I feel like a clown trying to keep a tall stack of plates from falling. Like a cosmic jape that is no longer funny I have passed into the realm of not caring about the performance any longer and it is only a matter of time before the plates come crashing down if no real and enduring equilibrium is found.
     Another interesting aspect for me within the card is the aspect of balance as related to physical health. I have been attempting to stretch out my hamstrings and inner knees and finding that when I walk the tightness causes me to walk on the outer edge of my feet. Balancing because of this is more difficult as I tend to sway to either side as I balance on one leg! I noticed some tension in this area as I relaxed in bed last night pondering the day I had been through.
        I had run a game of Llumination for the staff at the healing centre. Now Llumination is a tarot based game that I am trained to facilitate. It is kind of like a group tarot reading, but with input from all the other people partaking. It can bring up some interesting topics and can be a lot of fun and very involving for all playing. As I ran the game, we came close to the last round of questions. One of the participants had asked a question about when something would be coming to an end for her, something she has been looking to have closed for over a decade. The game gave the answer that there would be resolution within one month.
       Now, for me I find giving such definitive answers is a risky business. I have felt burned too many times by things not coming to pass quite as I had hoped, of leaping and not finding a net beneath me. So much so that my tired old knees protest every-time I have to have faith in something working out as the universe has dictated. Looking back at the situation while I lay in bed I could feel my knees tensing up, even just thinking about having faith in such a definitive answer.
        There was a time in which my faith was much stronger with regards to financial matters and such a leap would not have bothered me and lo..a net would appear. Yet, somewhere along the way I have lost that gung-ho attitude and I wonder if a lack of faith is causing me to falter when I am left with such a clear answer.
      For me I feel the card points to a deeper problem, that of returning the fearless faith I had in the universe, for without such a faith I just ending damaging my knees after a bad landing. I took a nasty fall and I am afraid to go back and take the high wire once more for fear that once more the net will be gone when I leap.
   

9 of Pentacles. Financial independence and superiority.

     This card is about plenty and the freedom granted by financial independence. It has brought up a great deal of personal baggage in trying to get myself into the right frame of mind to discuss it. Sometimes entering into the mind state of the card is harder than usual, certainly if the card represents a state that is not resonant for me at this time.
     None-the-less I will discuss the card before delving into the more personal aspects. The nine is close to the end of the material cycle represented by the pentacles, we are almost at fullness within this suit. The lady in the card is enjoying all the fruits that material security and independence can buy. She is leisurely enjoying her estate in a fine robe covered in Venusian symbols. Venus being the planet of beauty it shows that her finery is of the greatest opulence. It is a golden robe, which again exemplifies the wealth this card represents. The trim on the robe, along with the hat she wears is a vivid red. Red being a colour of vibrancy, material power and vigour.
        Behind her is a golden sunset, the composition balanced by two trees either side of her. The Venusian symbolism, the finery and the balance all suggest this card has links to Libra.  To either side of her are the pentacles stacked alongside the rich bunches of grapes, suggesting she can afford to enjoy the finer things in life. The hooded hawk itself is another symbol of aristocracy, also showing her freedom to move about and return to a comfortable resting place. It's hood remains in place as it is not now the time to hunt, but to relax.
       At the foot of the card is a snail showing the leisurely and sedate pace created by the secure foundation of wealth. There is no hurry and what one has is simply to be enjoyed.
      The card itself seems simple in its analysis but it has been difficult for me to feel the energy behind it. My current financial situation does not reflect the energy of the card, if anything it reflects its opposite. For me my life does not include a material stability or the ability to take things easy and enjoy the finer aspects of living. This created a great deal of conflicted feelings as most of the cards I have drawn have had a real life situation occur that allowed me to understand the energy. Instead this card has raised frustrations and ugly feelings.
      Rather than feel stuck, I have looked at the feelings that have emerged in trying to emulate this mindset in attempt to understand why I cannot bring this energy into fruition in my life. Much as when trying to flush out a blocked pipe the first thing to emerge is the cause of the blockage and all that has caused the clogging.
     What arises in me is envy. Envy is not an emotion I am used to. Although once I look at it, I see how pervasive it has become in my own life. Being brought to my financial knees has magnified the envy I feel for all those around me in such a way that it has become an intolerable noise. Upon further examination I see that it goes even deeper into my psyche. Last night as I drifted off to sleep I asked for a dream to elucidate my situation so I could better understand how this feeling may be blocking me.
      I dreamt that I was in a department store in which several high-tech stands were set up. I was there with my younger brother, although he was much younger in the dream...little more than a young child. I was in possession of a large felt block or box which strapped onto my back by virtue of a Velcro strap. When I put the pale green box onto my back I could hover about at a height of a foot or two. It was quite a pleasurable experience and the box itself felt weightless. As I was hovering about, my brother threw a toy or figurine into a glass display case shattering the front. One of the shop workers came over and scolded me for my brother's actions and informed me that I wouldn't be able to work there because of his action. I felt non-plussed by this as I wasn't really interested in it in the first place. I was considering offering the box to my brother when the dream shifted. It then moved into another aspect about another area of my life which does not seem relevant.
      Symbolically the green represents envy and the block...well that represents a block. But, the dream suggests that I am willingly donning the block because it elevates me. I can understand how this may be. I can feel elevated by my envy, I can even feel an element of superiority (aerial superiority!). If I feel elevated then I would naturally feel envious of those who are below me from possessing what I do not. My desire is not born of a genuine desire, but from a righteousness derived from a false sense of superiority. Letting go of this envy and the superior elevated position, although less pleasurable immediately will lead to me finding my own level. It will put me in contact with the earth and ground me in reality.
      It is easy to find the source of this. Growing up I was the smallest in my year...bar the kid with a growth disorder. I was also one of the youngest, struggled with my school work and was naturally shy. My family was not wealthy so seeing others with more was a regular occurrence. My father also had a serious inferiority complex, often claiming that Italians were responsible for every single good thing in civilization and therefore by extension he was part of that legacy. I could go on, but it does not serve as there are many factors in this stew and no one thing is fully responsible.  It is natural that I would want to feel bigger, better and superior to those who surrounded me, if only to be able to compete.
      I can see that this constructed sense of superiority disconnects me from the earth and my true self. I know I possess many good qualities and this envy exists because of my childhood difficulties. It is difficult for me to feel a desire for something without going through a sense of entitlement born of an elevated sense of self. But it is not connected, it is not genuine and only serves to feed this dynamic of envy.
     The block in the dream is only connected by a strap of Velcro, yet the desire to feel elevated is strong. Finding a block that doesn't weigh me down is novel, as in my experience they often possess a weight which creates a lethargy and feelings of heaviness. Letting go of the block means letting go of a safety mechanism that has been in place for a long time and has served to keep me afloat when things should have buried me. I know now that I can rely on my own self worth and do not need to keep an aid to buoyancy with me. It is only keeping me from connecting fully with the earth.
      In the end I have to let go of this barrier to financial independence, the feeling that has kept me safe for so long. Because it no longer serves and only suffices to keep me disconnected. The elevated sense of self. It is the shadow side of the 9 of Pentacles, an elevated sense of superiority. Granted by things real or imagined.

4 of Cups. Dissatisfaction and false expectation.

   Pulling this card I wondered how my day would turn out. So far each card I have pulled has affected my day in some form or another, so drawing this card I have been concerned as to what may transpire.
   The four of cups is about boredom, dissatisfaction and feeling like your expectations are not being fulfilled. The figure in the card is sat cross legged under a tree, his arms are also folded across his chest indicative of a defensive and closed off posture. His gaze is firmly fixed on the three cups arrayed before him and his expression leads you to believe is not happy  with his three cups and he probably won't be happy with four either.
     Surprisingly the rest of the card is not all that glum. The grass is green, the sky is blue and there is no immediate threat or danger he is having to face other than his own petulance.
     Today I was in danger of feeling the same way, but since the card had primed me I was kind of prepared. I was to spend the day at the healing centre waiting for new clients to come in, or just be around should anybody wish to have a treatment. I usually go in and be there so that if someone has questions I am there at set hours during the week.  I had a call from a lady half way through the day who wished to come in to see me. Knowing this card was in the offing I didn't set any expectations so as not to be disappointed. It turns out she wanted to talk and share her experiences in Northern Italy and meet all of us at the centre. We talked for a while and she shared her experiences, then she left taking several of my cards with her. It was a pleasant way to spend the remainder of the day there and I had plenty of chance to talk with R and H who were also at the centre. I realised that it is very easy to become disappointed if you have expectations about certain things occurring in a way you would like them to be.
    We all have expectations, it is hard not to. We all want things for our lives and it is difficult to not get caught up when it looks like those things are getting closer or moving away. I find myself getting attached to outcomes that are not certain...counting my chickens before they have hatched. Yet this only ever seems to lead to disappointment and those expectations being let down. Worse than that, like the figure in the card, we can miss the gifts that are right there in front of us.
    It is only the attitude of the figure in this card that makes this a card of dissatisfaction. If he were smiling or happy to be where he was, then this could easily be a more positive card. The minor arcana are all about energies and once we understand this we are not beholden to them, or so we do not act in a manner that will make the situation worse.
   In the card a fluffy white cloud brings another cup to the disconsolate figure under the tree. So dejected is he, that he is not even aware of this divine gift that is being presented to him. He is danger of missing out on getting more, because of his maudlin attitude.
    Because I became aware of the energy dynamic as it was occurring I was able to turn the situation into a positive one. I enjoyed spending time at the centre sharing stories and listening to R and H and when the lady arrived later in the day I was receptive to the information she had to share, rather than being expectant that it may be a possible client. My expectations could have been my downfall. I wonder how many times we miss divine gifts because we are busy being glum or caught up in our own little dramas.
 

6 of Cups. Nostalgia and reminiscence

    Nostalgia is a powerful bittersweet emotion. It can be wonderful and terrible at the same time, bring aches to your heart and tears to your eyes.
    The 6 of Cups is all about that emotion, even in spite of its somewhat confusing imagery. The brightly coloured card shows a figure passing a cup  filled with flowers to a younger girl...possibly a child. It takes place in a secure walled town, complete with a guard protecting the meadow where they meet.
    I have spent many of my hours of my life lost in nostalgia, recalling the emotions of past times. Mostly I spend it recalling how I felt, emotions that feel out of reach except in bittersweet memories. People say that these emotions are a trap, that they hold you in the past, grasping for things that will never be again. There is an element of truth in their words, but there is also a reason we feel so drawn to these types of thoughts.
   There was one element in this card that I could not figure out at first. All of the cards are very well drawn, depicting with skill the elements they talk of. So as an artist there was one thing that stood out to me as I looked at this card. Barring the somewhat ambiguous depiction of a child, there seems to be a strong artistic flaw in this picture.  Looking to the left of the card we see steps and a pathway on which a guard with a spear is walking. The pathway is sloping upwards and the lines of perspective point in that direction too, yet the crenelations on the square tower point downwards towards the horizon line. This creates a discontinuity in the image. It is easy to think this may well be an artistic mistake that was overlooked, but if we are to remain in keeping with the idea that all elements have been included for a purpose then it may speak of more beneath the surface of this card.
       There are two options I can think of. The first is that the skewed perspective is a commentary on the warped perspectives we often show when we look back on the past, certainly on childhood experiences. The second is that the perspective is not incorrect and it is showing a bridge that is arcing up before suddenly dipping down. This would mean there was a river or some other obstacle we could not see that needed to be surmounted.
    There may be an element of truth in both of these statements. As a shaman I understand that memories of the past, regardless of how painful can be keys to certain lost emotions. There are some wounds that do not heal with time and our memories serve to bring us back to these psychical scars time and time again as if probing a missing tooth.
    I had a simple dream a few nights back that I have been puzzling over that I believe is somewhat related, at least for me. In the dream I had just emerged from a deep cave system, which has treacherous pathways and narrow ledges. I came upon a town in which I encountered a new car which apparently I had just bought. It was a deep red sporty looking vehicle, somewhat like a Mustang but with a slightly different design. I got into the vehicle and pulled out a map to find my way back home. The map showed a mountain range (somewhat like Colorado) with lots of names upon it. I was trying to find either where I had come up, or Flagstaff so I could return home with my new car. The dream was frustrating in that I could not find either on the map and I didn't want to start driving a new car not knowing where I was or where I was going.
    Looking back on the dream I can understand my feelings, having felt like I have just emerged from a very difficult period and found a new way of moving through the world. The problem is in how to bring that home to myself. I look on the map trying to find places I knew, yet not finding them. It is like I can't bring that piece home yet as I don't know the route. I search for a recognizable route but find none.
    Often nostalgia is like this. We can find a piece of ourselves trapped somewhere, but there is no point of reference on how to bring it back. So we go again and again to this place to taste the fruit that we have become disconnected from.
   Maybe that is the bridge unseen in the card. A link between that sweet memory and the security of our own being. It crosses an unknown obstacle and the route drops out of sight.
   The nostalgia in me points to a time when I did feel that great sense of adventure which the sporty car represents. Yet that time is gone and I am yet to understand how to bring it back to my home. I could live it once more by adopting the same attitudes as I had before and embarking on carefree endeavors. I could live in that disconnected dream world, but I have done that many times before. I know eventually the fuel would run low and I would need to rest my head, but I would be in unknown territory and far from home. So I chose not to adopt the mindset of the old...yet there is something there still to be integrated.
    In the card we see the larger figure gifting the smaller figure, a possible representation of our own inner child. So the card suggests that nostalgia does offer a gift if we can accept it and find a way to bring it back across the bridge. The way is safe, but unknown and that in itself can be a terrifying prospect.
    What I understand is that we have to find these lost fragments of ourselves, the parts of us that have been lost to time, or to hurt and find a way to bring them back to ourselves as we stand now. Otherwise we will never feel complete. It is a process of unearthing, like pulling an artifact from the ground and following the wire as it pulls out from the grip of our memories. By doing so we can see why it got stuck or buried, what was lain atop it or caused it to be disregarded. We must walk that mysterious bridge half glimpsed for ourselves for only then will we become whole. It can be a painful and beautiful journey as we step back into ourselves, but we must not lose hope that these pieces are gone forever. They are us, they are our soul and we must not abandon them.
    Many times we even feel that they are the property of others, that another made us feel that way. But by doing so we lose our power, it is our life and our feelings, they were just a trigger and it is within us to find it again.
    For me music is often that bridge to the feeling. The music can transport you back to a painful or difficult moment and allow you to relive it once more. By doing so it allows us to re-integrate that part back into our current awareness. I have been recently listening to the Pixies (Where is my mind? and Monkey gone to heaven) and a few other songs that remind me of feelings I had felt were lost to me and learning how to make them my own once more. Stripping them of their negative associations and taking only the good back.
     

2 of Cups. Soul Mates and conscious relationship.

  The Two of Cups is often regarded as the most romantic of the cards and the one (apart from the Lovers card) that most people want to see in a reading regarding relationships. The Lovers card is Major Arcana though and as a result is often speaking of the conjunction of male and female energies, which does not always signify relationship between a man and a woman (or any loving couple).  The Two of Cups however signifies partnership.
   Looking at the card you can see that the figures are sharing their cups (emotions) with each other and there is a definite connection between them both. Both figures wear white clothing beneath their more colourful attire and this symbolises a purity and innocence of motive. The woman wears a blue tabard symbolising communication and the man wears a yellow tunic and tights for the intellect. This is interesting as those traits stereo-typically match how each gender connects to a relationship. She also wears a laurel wreath for victory and he wears a circlet of roses for the heart.
    There is also a more esoteric element to the card. The symbol springing from their touch is called a caduceus. It is generally regarded as the symbol for medicine, though this is a superficial corruption of its original meaning. It symbolises the rising of kundalini energy up the spine (the central line, often called the Sushumna). The two serpentine shapes twining around the central column are the masculine and female energies or the Ida and Pingala. As a person integrates and balances their own internal masculine and feminine energies the collective energy in the central column rises to the eventual goal of enlightenment.  Typically the head of the staff is adorned with wings alone.
     In this instance it is topped with the head of a red lion. The red lion is an alchemical symbol for fire or sulphur, one of the main ingredients for turning base metals into gold. Jung felt this meant philosophical metals within the psyche rather than actual metal and I have an inclination to agree (not that I would rule out there being a material equivalent!).
     What I feel this means is that enlightenment can be found through relationship and I would possibly even go so far as to say it is impossible to find it without, even if that relationship for some is a purely internal affair.
     Interestingly I see that the point of caduceus springs forth from the touch between the pair in the card. Since the lion means enlightenment through fire (sulphur) I believe it is speaking of the chemical and elemental connection that happens between soul mates.
      This brings up the consideration of soul mates in which there are many different opinions and considerations. My understanding lies upon the line that some souls are more connected than others, whether through living together previously in past lives or simply by virtue of their individual make-ups. Some people you meet you just feel connected to...almost immediately in some cases. When two people meet who are connected in such a way connect, then there is a sacred fire between them which is a seed for powerful growth and change through the element of love.
      I believe that there are soul companions who are beings that you have travelled with through many lives, with who you might feel an immediate connection to even if it is not romantic. These can turn into romantic connections and in fact are more powerful than a relationship built only lesser attractions. Often these companions are catalysts for growth and change in our lives and open us up to ultimately connect with ourselves.
    In order to open up sufficiently to find your soul mate requires a great deal of inner work and purification. Otherwise you simply attract whichever mate is needed for your growth at that time. Let me get this straight, there is nothing wrong with this and without these mates there would be no chance to find our true partners.
   The words twin flames and soul mates are bandied about a lot without any real understanding of what it means. It is unlikely you will attract someone who is resonating at a high frequency unless you yourself are also resonating at this point. The idea that a prince charming will arrive and rescue you from your own inadequacies is very slim, unless you have set yourself on the road to serious self improvement. Simply wishing for it will not make it so, you must step out on the road to make any progress upon it.
   Many relationships can be catalysts for growth, propelling us and challenging us to move and grow with each new obstacle or adventure. This card is about finding a connection that helps us reach that new level. It is about that magical spark that ignites between two people causing them to become greater than the sum of their parts. Each person brings their own qualities and is able to share them with the other.
      Typically a relationship is a contract between two individuals based on conditional understandings between the two for their mutual security and to provide them with the energies that they themselves are unable to provide for themselves. As time progresses there is a tendency to slip into complacency and to form rigid patterns or expectations based around the other person. You stop seeing them as a vital growing being and start seeing them as a provider of things you require. Arguments begin based on these subconscious contracts and the beautiful opportunity to grow is lost, submerged under the misplaced expectations of our partners. When this happens we are no longer growing...we may be aging, but we certainly are not moving forward.
    We have all seen the sad situation of when a rigid couple breaks up and they both return to the emotional and mental age at which they decided to stop growing (usually at the point the relationship began in earnest and the magic died). If they could maintain a level of consciousness then this wouldn't occur and if they needed to be apart then it would happen organically.
     The two of cups for me only re-iterates what I know and reminds me that conscious relationship is the way forward for the human race. I only enter into conscious relationships, anything else is a waste of my time. Zoe and I have a relationship that is open to growth, to change and to allowing each of us the space we need as individual beings.
   

Page of Wands. Free spirit.

    The Page or Princess of Wands is the young element of fire, that part that is connected with the earth.
     I always see the young page as an adventurer, a globetrotter. She is stood grasping her staff, her eyes on the sky. Behind her stand the pyramids and a desert with a blue/white sky. She wears the same tones as the Earth beneath her, which links her with the earth realm. Therefore she is grounded and sensual, the fire element combining with this means that she is never dull or lacking in excitement.
     Looking at this card, one element stands out. The wand the figure carries has a very phallic shape, it is difficult not to notice it once seen. Nothing within the cards is there by chance, each element is chosen to be evocative. Rather being a crude symbol the phallus means the active driving and creative force. Since she is a page, she represents the youngest and freest element of the wands.  There is no heaviness in this card and a feeling of positivity and humour pervades. She has somewhat of a wry smile upon her face as if she is aware of the symbolism and rather than being offended she takes it lightly.
       Her garb is covered with salamanders which are transformative elements ( I discuss them further in the King of Wands). She also wears a blue hat with a feather in it. The hat itself draws the attention as it stands in strong contrast to the rest of her clothing. Blue is the colour of communication and hats are symbols of the our mental attitudes. The hat is obvious in its incongruency, it even looks a little ludicrous. In this instance I would say that this means she is unafraid to communicate what is on her mind, if it goes against one's first impressions of her and doesn't fit with the rest of her attitude.
      The page of wands is a happy traveller, creative, active but yet grounded in reality. She looks upon this odd mixture of fire and earth with a wry sense of humour. Like a traveller she doesn't get entangled emotionally, nor does she spend time over thinking a situation. She is looking for the next thing over the horizon, or happily enjoying what is right now. If she does have a fault is that she has a tendency to overlook emotions or her intellect as getting in the way of having fun. This can come across as somewhat distant as she happily flits from one enjoyable situation to another without a care for what this means for anyone else.
       Personally for me this card has brought up some questions within myself about the connection of earth and fire. They represent to me the twin forces of passion (fire) and materiality (earth) and how they function together. Zoe and I have been working on not guilting each other over various situations in our life and it has had some interesting side effects. Last night Zoe went to bed early as she had yoga to go to and usually this would mean she would ask if I was coming along too (even if I don't have to get up early). Instead of doing this she went early and fell asleep before I arrived. This meant I had some time to myself, without being concerned that I should be also going to bed.
      It brought up some feelings that usually don't appear when I am in a relationship. Removing the guilt my life and from going to bed when Zoe does, has given the space for these feelings to emerge. It is too early to speak clearly on what they are, but I feel they are linked to deeper feelings of guilt, shame and loneliness. I recognise them from when I have been single for a long time, feelings of shame and isolation..not fully connected to anything, but rising like a horrible tide. I mention them in conjunction with this card as I have an intuitive feeling that these elements are to do with sexual energy. The sexual symbolism is strong in this card and something is stirring deep in my unconscious, the mud has been disturbed and it is not yet apparent what is lurking down there. Whatever it is doesn't seem too pleasant, but digging through the muck is what inner work is all about.