8 of Cups. Card of leave taking

   The 8 of Cups is a gloomy looking card, it has a dark background and a sad faced moon overseeing the figure as he departs leaving his cups behind.
    I have found as I pursue this blog that the energy of the cards has began to seep into my life and so drawing a gloomy looking card is not always my favourite thing as I wonder what it is that I am going to leave behind.
    Whatever is in the cups, it is enough for the figure to have grabbed his walking cane, his cloak and leave without even a glance over his shoulder. The somber blue of the sky and the strange moon face give an aura of sadness that hang over the card. The face of the moon itself seems to be confined within a circle of its own and I can only imagine that it is representing the dark side of the moon, even if it remains bright. This unusual symbolism suggests what would seem to be dark and sad, might actually not be all that bad.
    The last few mornings I have woken with a kind of sadness over me, a resignation. My business has taken off a little more, but for some reason the lull I am experiencing at the beginning of this new month in my work has affected me. Saying I was mooning over this slackening in business would not be far wrong. By drawing this card it forced me to consider my line of work and what it means for me. The creeping sense of dissatisfaction and boredom is at the fringes of my awareness and coming close on the heels of the last card (ironically, the 7 of Cups) it has allowed me to sink into the boggy ground of a certain ennui. The obvious thought is that I am dis-satisfied with my level of income and how it has restricted me and Zoe in our life and that of course that is what I wish to leave behind. On a certain level that is true, I would like nothing more than to be able to leave that chapter behind.
    In the card the traveller, for that is what he is regardless of what he may have been before he left, is prepared to leave it all behind. The eight cups, precariously balanced upon one another give no indication of what they carry. The upper layer of cups has an unusual gap, in which the traveller stands. It is if a small break in the situation has given him the impetus to step away from it all and set out on a journey. The destination of the journey is not as important as what he has been left behind.
   When I first left the UK and my call centre job for a bank I had the opportunity to work with a rocket scientist. What he was doing at the bank in a call centre I do not know, other than maybe to keep himself occupied after the military. I had told him of my plan to leave the bank and to go travelling on a journey, but I was unsure where to go. He told me that with getting a rocket to leave the atmosphere of the earth, it was not so important as to where it was going, but in generating enough force for it to push away from the ground so it could break free.
     The mountains that make up the background of the card are jagged and large and although the traveller appears to have a paved road ahead, his journey is not likely to be an easy one. It is the leave taking that is going to be difficult. The moon and the tides of the waters are holding him back. Gravity and inertia are his enemies and the small break is enough for him to set his intention and to push away.  The red of his cloak shows his vigour and passion to make a break for good and his green trousers show that his heart is also in this endeavor.
     As I considered my feelings this morning in bed, one thing occurred to me. It is not the situation that is frustrating me and bringing me down, although that doesn't help. It is the feelings themselves that I wish to leave behind. I will doubtless encounter further lulls in my business and even in my life. I cannot seriously expect that everyday will greet me with the promise of exciting work or wonderful opportunities. If everytime I find a lapse or a lull in the flow of things I engage with these feelings, then I will find they play a larger role in my life than I would like. The feelings of disappointment, of boredom or inertia are the feelings I really wish to leave behind. Outside of those worries it is a beautiful day and there are plenty of opportunities to enjoy my life or to choose to engage in positive activities.
     This card challenges us to face upto those parts of our lives that have dragged us down, those emotions that we would rather project onto external situations and to leave them behind. It is about leaving negative behaviours, patterns, emotions or even relationships behind us and to push onto greener pastures, regardless of how hard it is to break out of their gravitational pull.

3 of Wands. Struggle and success.

   

The Three of Wands is an interesting card for many reasons. At first glance it is similar to the previous card, the Two of Wands. It has a figure surveying the land with a stave in hand. This card has a different feel to it though.

    I feel a connection to the figure in this card, his mismatched clothing suggests he has travelled far through many different lands to get to the position he is enjoying now. His patchwork cloak suggests this traveller has adopted many differing attitudes and mixed them together. The sufi's would often caper around as fools in patchwork cloaks, similar to the idea of a jester's motley. To the average man, the jester would seem a ridiculous figure garbed in bright and unfamiliar colours. His actions would seem bizarre and nonsensical, yet he would be the only figure in the court who would be able to speak candidly to the King or Queen without fear of reprisal. His role as fool would protect him from repercussions and would often allow him to be party to conversations or knowledge that others would never hear. 

     The traveller in the card though seems as though his destination is in sight. He has climbed to a pinnacle and now looks down upon the next leg of his journey. Before him spreads a golden sea with ships upon it. It is left to the observer to project their own consciousness onto the card as to what the final destination is. For some simply arriving at this point after struggle may signify success and it does, but one that is not fully complete. Complete success is found in the next card, the 4 of Wands. The success enjoyed in this card is transitory at best, it as arriving at the crown of a hill to see the real peak still laying before you. 

     For me the destination is the mountains beyond the sea. How I will get there is the question. Drawing this card has raised some interesting thoughts and feelings in me. It, coupled with recent events in my life have brought forth an interesting aspect of my own consciousness. The idea of struggle and success are relevant to me at this point in my life. I have certainly seen struggle, but it raises the question of whether it needs to be present in every situation. It seems as though I have enjoyed no short cuts in my life. But how much of that is my own doing?

    Zoe said to me that I always take the most difficult route to success and that it is not always necessary to do so. She is right in that and I am hoping this card may offer a key to change that dynamic. In order to better understand this I allowed myself to visualise myself within the card's environs. I found that naturally my expectation would be that I would not find passage on the ships to cross the sea and would end up walking around the edge of the sea to get to my destination or by bartering my labour for a space in the hold. I do understand the need for determination and tenacity, but when my own imagination makes me walk around the sea I understand that something else is going on here.

    I know that when such things have occurred in my life I have hardened my anger and frustration into resolve to push on through. I guess maybe it is the English stiff upper lip that is responsible, the part of me that responds to extreme difficulty by battening down the hatches and carrying on. History is replete with such English stoicism and while somewhat admirable I can't help but feel that that mindset may help perpetuate the problem. The reality I give it my own mind creates the problem in my external reality. 

     This hardened anger and resolve has formed a pattern that has crystallized around my hips as I have literally 'girded my loins' to push on. As a result I have deep tensions in my hip joints. I know I find it difficult to see any other solution than pushing on through the rough stuff. Anyone who has spent time in the UK knows that soldiering on is often taken as something one must do to get by on a daily basis. Shattering this paradigm is proving a little difficult as my usual way of dealing with a difficulty is actually the problem. Even the previous sentence shows how deeply held it is, that I would even view it as difficult. 

        The solution lies in learning to see an easy solution, or seeing the solution as easy. Once this is done then the difficulty in each situation will fall away and I will be able to find shortcuts and simple solutions. Believing that there is an easy solution is the first step, this will stop me "giving up" on a shortcut and resorting to the long arduous path. This will keep me conscious in the situation and prevent me from falling back into unconscious patterns which I am looking to dissolve. I have already build the "character" that hardship imbues one with and any further difficulty begins to look like laziness on my part.

The Hermit

   The Hermit is a card of solitude and it is something that I have been avoiding lately. Usually when this figure appears in a deck I take the time to step into my inner world and away from the cares of the material one. This time I have found it more difficult to do so. There have been too many interruptions and tasks that needed my attention.
   The hermit though is a patient old man and he can wait until you are ready to take his hand to ascend up the mountain with him. For he knows you aren't going anywhere until you do.
   He represents a time of silent retreat and introspection. He is Father Time, Saturn...the wise old man. The world lies at his feet as he stands upon the peak of the world. At first glance it may seem as though his head is bowed maybe in sadness or contemplation, maybe even to see where he is placing his feet. But since he already stands at the mountain top, it may just be that he is looking down on all that is transpiring below, separate but ultimately aware of all that is going on in the only the way that a silent watcher can be.
     His wooden staff is a bright yellow and it may simply be that the light of his lantern falls upon it turning it this colour. But that in itself holds meaning. Yellow is the colour of the mind and the intellect and it is this that keeps him upright and connected to the ground beneath him, both his support and his authority.
     Jung labelled the old man as one of the main archetypes, an archetype being an impression without our collective consciousnesses that having such depth that he has a form and wisdom all his own. That he may appear in ones dreams or visions as a link to the ancient wisdom of our elders and ancestors.
   His lantern contains a six pointed star, a symbol of the meeting point of all the elements and heaven and earth finding balance. With this wisdom he guides the way in the darkness, holding it aloft to bring light to the world below.
   When this card appears in a reading I take as a sign that I need to take a moment and step inside to find this inner mountaintop and speak with the presence of my highest self, the ultimate witness. The last time this card appeared I took a pilgrimage to Mount Shasta in Northern California. I had read about the peak many years earlier and had always felt drawn there. I was lacking direction in my life and I felt like all my dreams had turned to ash and my path was obscured. I didn't realise at the time how much solitude would play a part in that particular journey and if I had known I may not have so easily gone down that road. I was living in England after a soul crushing defeat in terms of my plans to start working in the US. I had been foiled by a single line of small print at the bottom of my visa ticket, which didn't allow me to change my visa. This meant I had to let go of a job offer and return home to live with my parents, shortly after turning 30 and take up a job mopping floors and serving burgers in a military base.
    The card had come up and I had decided that I needed a retreat to take time to think. I ended up at the mountain in early spring when the snows were just clearing and staying in a quaint bed and breakfast in which I was one of the only guests. The place was a little cramped and filled with dusty antiques and brik-a-brak (not my style at all!)The other guest was a lady in her sixties. She had lived a life remarkably free of difficulty or suffering, but instead it had been filled with excitement and adventure and she was treating herself to a trip around the world. We talked some, but for the most part I walked the roads around the mountain alone, enjoying the sun and the views.
    Solitude has been a constant companion for me, one I have not always welcomed, but one I have found to be comfortable enough. After I had learned my second level of Reiki I have felt the presence of beings around me, so it has not been solitude in the sense that most people understand and I feel that this alone has allowed me to endure long periods of time without other contact.
    My memories of being a young child are filled with moments of solitude, watching the rain or the snow from windows, or spending time reading or watching the clouds pass. My parents were often busy with their business and we would have sitters watch us, but for the most part we would find ourselves left to our own devices. Thus, silence is no threatening monster to me and I am quite comfortable with it, within myself and my environment.
     The hermit and his cloak remind me of some of the many times I spent while in England. Often I would walk the streets late at night, seeing the beauty in the sodium lamps that ran along the parkways where I lived. Most people looked at the sky, but I could find beauty in the street lamps and on more than one occasion found tears in my eyes at the beauty of it all. The cloak I would imagine wrapped around me keeping me hidden from the often drunken boorish individuals who also liked to walk around late at night.
   So I do feel a quiet kinship with the hermit. He is here to remind me that the inner solitude is less than a step away and sometimes a retreat is just what you need. That he is here to take your hand in those moments of solitude and quiet to guide you to the mountain top, not always to give you answers, but sometimes just to show you the view.

Celtic roots and atheism

  Just a few weeks ago I took part in a Shamanic workshop based on Celtic and Pagan beliefs. I have wanted to talk about this since I was involved but I have needed a few weeks to let things settle.
   My previous understanding of Celtic and Pagan beliefs was based on what scraps are currently available in the media such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer...not the best reference I know... and my interactions with the tradition while I had lived in Scotland and Wales for a few years.
   Being brought up in the North East of England I was not really exposed to any of these beliefs. The predominant belief system in the majority of England is that of atheism (discounting areas near Glastonbury and more progressive areas dotted sparsely around the country). There was a common consensus that being an atheist is somehow more intelligent and is the only choice for a forward thinking individual, even if many of the people who hold and espouse these ideas have only gotten there by the virtue of them being the predominant way of thinking. I found that honest belief was extremely rare and I am hard pressed to think of individuals who didn't believe either in oblivion, atheism or were holding the belief that we cannot know anything beyond our basic senses (agnostics). This was despite a fervent and dogmatic belief in scientific doctrine...which was usually held with an incomplete understanding of scientific thought, the basis for these beliefs being here-say and peer pressure from opinionated know-it-alls.
    I have never really understood the reason for the depth and strength of this spiritual void that exists in England and previously the only possible answer had been the strength and prevalence of the Church and a strong and resilient resistance to the doctrines they bring. That there is great resistance to the blinkered and often dogmatic opinions of the church comes as no surprise and England has had a chequered past with the Church abusing its power. I was brought up in an irreligious environment as were all my peers (to my understanding) which is often very different to the upbringing many Americans have had. Even though I went to a church school and attended Sunday school (admittedly I just liked drawing pictures of lions eating Christians) I found that even the so-called "religious" folks had a world weary outlook and were simply trying to stem the tide of rampant atheism destroying their foundations.
    When I tried to discuss the more spiritual leanings I was finding in myself through meditation and the eastern thought I had been exposed to in my readings, I found that most people had a kind of knee jerk reaction. They seemed pinned between atheism and Christianity and could not step out from behind this dualism, that if someone rejected one, it simply meant accepting the other. It reminded me of a guy I met when I first came out to the US. He had been raised as a Christian in one of the more fundamental sects, one that didn't allow drinking, wearing shorts or other obviously heathen practices. He had rejected all of that and had fled his home and all he knew in order to find his own way, but like a butterfly whose wings are most vulnerable when its escapes its chrysalis like imprisonment he was in danger. Because his indoctrination was so strong he felt that there was only two choices and so had adopted Satanism through his rebelliousness. I recall sitting and talking with him and seeing the world as only consisting of two sides..even in spite of the great evidence that there were more than two simple routes. The practices of Satanism he was espousing seemed morally and socially dubious to me and I knew that this kind-hearted individual would not last long in that world. Unfortunately this meant that after finding Satanism was not to his liking he, felt that Christianity offered his only sanctuary. Sadly, he went back to his past re-adopting all its beliefs.
     In the US it seems that being an atheist or an agnostic is a kind of quirky belief that is just as fringe as any other myriad of beliefs out there. For me it is a relief to be out from that suffocating dualism and the scornful mocking and insufferable superiority that always accompanies it. None-the-less I have always been curious as to its true roots as the church alone doesn't seem powerful enough to evoke the strength of response you find in most individuals.
    Being British in a Celtic workshop in the US presupposes an affinity to Celtic lore and way of life... after all I have Celtic roots somewhere back in history and I was raised close to the land it talks of. Seeing things in this way gave me a fresh perspective. While I was living in Scotland and Wales, there are much closer ties to pre-Christian ways of thinking. Pagan festivals are a common occurrence even if you don't attend them there is an awareness of them occurring. While in Edinburgh there were several celebrations that involved leaping over fires and people painting themselves in very vivid colours and costume during the various pagan holidays. I started to wonder what had happened to our roots in the North of England. We are sadly so far cut off from any connection to our true Celtic roots that Morris dancing is our only link.
    Part of the workshop involved bringing a drum or a rattle to help with journey work and I had to make one myself as my funds have been extremely low. I have a book on Celtic knot-work, which I had always felt an affinity for and looking through the book for designs to add to the rattle I found several patterns that are attributed to North Yorkshire. Long before the Saxons, the Vikings and the Romans came and pillaged and destroyed our homes in the North we must have had our own beliefs and connections to the land.
    While in Scotland and Wales one of the sad elements I had to encounter was the hatred the Scottish and the Welsh have towards the English. I always felt a little removed because of my Italian ties, but I could definitely sense a hostility and several times in Wales I had had to avoid gangs of thugs who would have been quite happy to put an end to me or my friends. One birthday event even ended in a trip to the hospital for a friend of mine as we went to celebrate and encountered a select group of Welshmen who didn't like his face.
      I have understood that the English have had great deal to answer for in the treatment of our outlying brothers, but I had never really considered that the true English have suffered a much worse fate. We have become alienated from our roots and lost our Celtic heritage. No wonder there is such great resistance for any group that has attempted to land, conquer and tell us how to think. Even to the point where we became the bully we so greatly feared to many other cultures and countries. Our spirituality was lost to us all those long centuries ago, taken forcibly as we were made to believe in the Gods and beliefs of another. We have become so caught up in resisting, that our own connection to the land and our old ways has fallen to ash.
     Seeing the Celtic festival here in Flagstaff has always made me consider what has been lost in England. That Americans are able to celebrate their Celtic roots more readily than those who live on the land that once held that magic. We have become so bitter and alienated without a heritage to call our own we hide it behind false pride and a mocking deprecation of our own culture and that of others.
    By connecting with my Celtic heritage I have found a strength that has always been lacking, one that has been buried so deep as to be lost. It allows me to understand the loss the Native Americans feel, or any other culture who's way of life has been threatened and torn away from them. All I can do is offer my heartfelt apologies for the races, cultures or peoples that my ancestors have damaged and hope that maybe they can show us the way back to our own roots in the Earth.

King of Wands. Transformation by fire.

 This card has been sat on my desk for almost a week while my life has taken several different turns and I had been unable to continue on with blogging. After I look at the card itself I will go into a little detail about these transitions and where I am at now.
   The King of Wands is often my card...let me explain. Each of the court cards represents a certain character type, often with an astrological aspect. My sun sign is Leo and Leo falls in several other areas in my chart. The King of Wands is representative of the fire signs and as can be seen a lion sits emblazoned on the throne just behind the King's head. Often when I do a reading and this card shows up, it symbolises for me my place in the reading or offers me some other insight.
    The King in this card appears almost to sit at the edge of his throne as if he is eager to be up and off. His gaze is fixed on the horizon and he is ready with his staff to be away and moving. As with all fire signs, sitting still is not a virtue they often readily possess and it needs to be cultivated. The little lizard at his feet is a perfect symbol of this quickness of character, never staying in one place too long and even when apparently basking can move with unnerving speed.
    This speedy motion should not be confused with a nervousness, the King has long since past cultivated a purpose and motivation for his actions. This King does not dither, he knows where he wants to be and has the drive and passion to get there. He has a burning desire to follow his passions and his purpose and that is what has him moving with alacrity. This character is not one that does well with periods of enforced waiting, especially if he feels he already has a goal on the horizon he needs to be getting to. This can be a weakness for this character, that of moving too quickly and before things are fully in motion.
   The King wears a red robe which speaks of his passion and vigour which is openly on display, the green mantle on his shoulders shows that this activity is compassionate, caring and heart based. The yellow and orange cloak he wears along with his sandstone throne all speak of his bright and upbeat nature which is openly on display. The King has no hidden motives and cannot abide duplicity, his speech is forthright and to the point.
   The throne and his cloak have symbols of both lions and salamanders covering them. The lion is a symbol of courage, strength, royalty and has great alchemical significance as it appears in several forms in the alchemical process of individuation. Its devouring qualities are highly transformative, as being devoured has the connotations of death and rebirth through a destructive breaking down and reforming of the self. Just think of the many tales of the hero being devoured or swallowed before being released at their destination (such as Jonah and the Whale). The salamander is also a symbol of transformation through rebirth in flames. Like the mythical phoenix the salamander is also birthed in the flames of purification. The phoenix must die in the fire in order to be reborn, but the salamander is immune to the fire and flame by virtue of its resilience and was reputed to be able to quench flames such was its affinity. A greater understanding of the fire signs leads to the understanding of transformation through being tempered by the fire, or re-forged.
    The phoenix is related to Scorpio and therefore rebirth through spiritual death. The lion and salamander are related to Leo and transformation through being reforged or tempered. This is a nuanced difference as it doesn't require the destruction of the prima materia to become something new, but has a regenerative quality. In layman's terms transformation through death requires the complete destruction of prior form, as being reduced to ash and a new form arising from the ash. Transformation through flame is when the destructive qualities of the flame bring out a regenerative aspect in the element...a good example being the cowardly lion in the wizard of oz. He transforms through a difficult situation which brings forth latent qualities in him, unlike the Scarecrow who has to be dismembered in order to be reborn.
   The meaning behind this of course is that the King is a much transformed individual although at some level he remains the same, his worldly travails and adventures have tempered and reformed him.
     The past and current situations in my life have definitely been such for me. I undertook a Celtic Shamanic workshop a week back and it has opened up a whole new realm of understanding for me. I have found connection to a level of grounded spirituality that has been unavailable to me for the longest time. It has connected me to my roots in way I wasn't sure was possible. Being of dual heritage, Italian and English has mostly been a boon to me, but there have been a few areas that were not all positive. I have found it hard to find my own roots without being able to call either place fully home. Having an Italian name constantly reminded me of my difference growing up. I grew up in a predominantly white area, but to label it as that would be woefully inaccurate. Growing up in England people seemed unaware of such differences, the primary differences being that of class or income. Never-the-less I was seen as a minority and not in a bad way given that the majority of Italian stereotypes are mostly positive, but instead my heritage was always dismissed when it did come up. I would hear, you aren't Italian you are English..or similar sentiments. Then on the other hand I would be expected to understand and speak Italian from others and to be familiar with the Italian way of life, or the fact that military service in Italy was a strong possibility if I ever wanted to live in Italy during my youth. Somehow I got it into my mind that my connection was somewhat faulty on the Italian side.
    But in doing this course I realised that my deep connection to all things Italian was fine and healthy, I felt more connected to Ancient Greek mythology (The south of Italy was actually part of the Greek civilization when it was thriving and it was likely that many great "Greek" thinkers actually lived there (Pythagorus definitely was!)). Instead it was my understanding of my English roots that was unsure. I will discuss this more later on a post dedicated to Celtic spirituality.
  What this did do however was cause me to question several things deeply. At the same time events in the "real" world were also picking up speed...or should I say losing momentum.  Our money diminished to zero. The job Zoe was counting on for some income continued to push back her actual start date and the jobs I have lined up are not beginning until November. For the first time in my life I went to bed hungry without any real option to do anything but hope the next day would bring new hope. The workshop had brought up lots of things to work through and I found meditating extremely difficult, so no reprieve there. Then my graphics card exploded with a loud crack putting my computer out of commission. I was able to use Zoe's little laptop to check mail, but was unable to continue blogging or using the internet. Facebook also decided that it wasn't going to give me any updates or emails for 3 or 4 days (I didn't realise this until they all arrived at once).
     Luckily my family came to our rescue and have gifted us with enough money to make it through the next week or so and for me to start providing healing treatments at a local business once I drum up some clients.
     This card really does symbolise how I feel...ready to go. I feel as though I am sat at the edge of my seat, ready to go forward, but unable to until November. I am hoping that these situations are bringing out qualities in me that will transform me into a better person. We have certainly been through a fire and chewed up by our situation, we just hope it will spit us out somewhere positive!
   
 

Knight of Pentacles. Pragmatism and the work ethic.

Before I drew this card I asked for "the card I most had to learn from". This pragmatic and very practical knight is someone I indeed can learn a lot from.
    The suit of Pentacles is linked to the material element of earth and the Knight in this instance is related to the airy part of earth. He is a mix of intellectual and pragmatist, a clever individual who knows exactly what he wants and it can be found right here on earth.
   He is clear in what he wants and has the determination to get it, sometimes even to the detriment of anyone who gets in his way as he bulls his way to his goals. His horse is a solid black, strong as an ox and very sturdy. This horse would as happily carry the knight to war as it would pull a plough through a field. Both the horse and his rider are very physical as you can tell by the profusion of red trappings both are wearing.
   The Knight has his gaze firmly locked on the pentacle in his upturned palm as if by turning his iron gaze on the coin it will grant him the ability to sniff out the next opportunity. His mouth is set and determined and he is either just finished with a task or about to start a new one. He is not one to waste his time with idle dreaming when he could be out doing.
        He wears a solid unadorned suit of plate mail, completely functional, the only trim is a green garland which symbolises his past successes. He is not interested in anything but the here and now and what can be gained in this present moment. He is lacking a solid connection to the spiritual or emotional aspects of life, so he finds his purpose here on Earth. At worst he has the self assurance of the materially sufficient and the spiritually void, self satisfied he already holds the answer to all his problems in his hand.
    Behind him sits a freshly ploughed field ready to be planted with fresh new crops and it wouldn't surprise me if he had ploughed it himself this morning before donning his armour.
    As all Knights do in the Tarot, they represent messengers of their own element. In this case the knight brings financial tidings, either positive or negative depending on the surrounding cards or the intuitive feeling that accompanies the card.
   For me personally the card meant one very important thing. The arrival or delay of news regarding my finances. I have not been gainfully employed for nearly 6 months now after leaving my last job because of an inner urging and trusting in the universe and my own guides. The Knight of Pentacles would have been shaking his head and tutting if I had asked him his advice in this economy. The time has given me the space to work out many different things I needed to work out and for this blog to grow and to one day flourish. I have reconnected to my artwork after 10 years and moved through a lot of personal obstacles.
    It seems though that this period is coming to a close as I sensed at the beginning of October, both for inner and outer reasons. I have been steadily applying for jobs since August and hearing very little back. We are in danger of not meeting the rent this month and my guides are asking me to do a course in the middle of the month...which is not free. I have said ok to doing the course, even though the money is currently not present.
    I have ridden into many box canyons on my journey, trusting in my guidance to deliver me (certainly when they ask me to ride into them!). Every time it gets a little easier to trust, but as the money runs low tensions can run high.
    So when I get this card I start to wonder if the knight is just telling me to be utterly pragmatic and just take any job...or that I will have good tidings. Being utterly pragmatic in my life has led me into many difficult situations so I have been loathe to do so. That feeling alone has led me to some of the worst jobs in my life, jobs that do not nourish my sense of self, jobs that have me questioning my very worth. My family has very working class roots, my father was raised as an uneducated goat farmer in the south of rural Italy and my mother's side of the family worked in service and manufacturing, my mother being the first in her line to get a college degree. I was raised in Yorkshire in the UK and for those who do not understand what that means, it is a region once dominated by mining and mills. Our school trips were invariably bleak investigations of either farming or textile mills still strong with the resonance of children losing their lives and limbs in huge looms, working 12 hour days for the ability to survive. So the idea of pure pragmatism has some very negative connotations for me and as a result it is hard for me to see clearly in these situations. Monty Python does a great sketch with 4 Yorkshire men each complaining about how hard their lives have been  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe1a1wHxTyo
      With this in mind..I was hoping it was the good tidings, but a bleak holdover still intoned the likelihood of the former. What is the chance that after so many months I would get work at the same time as the card? So I put the card aside until I could feel a little more connected to the message the card had to say, without these dire feelings influencing them. I let go of the thoughts and feelings and gave way to trust and hope once again.
     This morning the phone rang at 9am and I ran into our living room to find that it was one of the jobs calling to let me know that if I wanted work I could have a job starting next month. Its a job shoveling snow, but it gives me the opportunity to move out of the situation I am in and still have the time and mental energy to work on what I really love to work on.  It was the job I was hoping for because it will be outside, physical and that is what I need right now as a counter to working indoors at a computer. I feel that the knight was bringing me good tidings after all...I just had to hold on and remain faithful.

7 of Swords. Deceit and dishonesty.

  This card is called the card of dishonesty and is the latest in a run of swords I seem to be pulling out of the deck. This rather innocuous card has open up a Pandora's box of different ideas and emotions in me. Before we get into that, I would like to look at the general theme of the card.
    The suit of swords as been established is related to the mental realm, thoughts in particular. The large number of swords is at this point still an unwieldy amount and creates an element of density in thought. The character  in the card appears to be in the process of making off with a bundle of swords from a camp. He is clearly sneaking away while the others are gathered in the distance unaware of his actions. The colour of the card..a sickly yellow suggests cowardice and his polka dot robe is reminiscent of a clown's attire, or the spots of the pox.
   Rather strangely his eyes are closed and an expression of pleasure is pasted over his face, almost as if his deceit is giving him a thrill. His face is pressed close to the blades and his hands and fingers clutch the naked steel in a way that would likely cause cuts and pain. There is an air of sadistic pleasure from this betrayer as he steals away what is not his.
    He wears a rather unusual hat, similar to a Morrocan fez which adds to his somewhat comical appearance. There is definitely an element of the trickster in this card, although it is without the wisdom of that archetypal being. His closed eyes show that he is not conscious of his misdeeds and may in fact say it was a joke or that he was not meaning to do harm, although the glee evident of his face suggests a sadistic pleasure in taking the power of others.
   The card suggests trickery, betrayal and malicious mischief. It can mean dishonesty and in-genuineness in someone you are dealing with, or in the way you are dealing with others.
   I drew this card late last night, just before I went to sleep and was asking for guidance with an issue that I am discovering with the Sahasrara chakra (Crown) which is at the top of the head. I have felt a great deal of issues bubbling to the surface after I have open up to the kundalini energy more and started to feel greater motivation. Doing this blog also brings things up almost continuously for examination.
   The issue with my crown chakra goes back a long way and in all honesty I have grown so used it that I have somewhat ignored the issue. I used to work for a bank in the UK and it was a job that was very stressful, my job was answering calls relating to the bank software which was usually failing to run people's wages. This meant most people who called were already stressed from their employees wages not being processed and often I had to inform them it was actually their error in not using the software correctly. At one point I was moved to a new section for which I was not trained because of some issue within the corporation. I was forced to deal with high value payment transactions with a very small window of time to fix them. I got calls from major corporations, often from all over the world trying to trace their lost payments which usually were valued in the millions. I was unfamiliar with the software and with the protocols and there was little to no supervision with managers passing off the problem. These calls would come in continuously, one after another with no break allowed between.
      I woke up one morning to find my pillow covered in hair and realised that I needed to get out of there. I walked in and found the head manager and told her either I get moved to a new department, or I would walk out. She moved me to another section and the hair loss stopped. From that point on the hair on the top of my head is a little sparser than I would like.
     This is what was connected to the issues with my crown chakra, but I could not work out how to remedy it. There is no reason why the hair should not grow back. There has been instances of hair loss in my family due to stress and I had passed this off as being the same thing. They had not found solution by leaving the job behind and neither had I..I gave it no further thought. Until now that is.
     That this card would appear in conjunction puzzled me. I could see no immediate connection between dishonesty and my situation. Yes, the bank had treated me badly..but they were hardly dishonest in their actions (those actions anyway!). I could not see me being dishonest in this either. I poured over the books I have on the cards and one detail stood out to me which was about in-genuineness. Did I really genuinely believe it was the right place for me to be? No..I didn't. It was in fact as far from being genuine to myself as I could get. Coming from an artistic and creative perspective, it was nothing like what I would hope for myself.
    With that I realised that I was being in-genuine with myself and that has never stopped. Sure..I understand my tolerances a little better now and know when to lay off a job that is no good for me before it develops into illness or stress. But that is hardly being genuine, it is simply flying under the wire of dishonesty with myself. All I was doing was flitting from one ill fitting position to another until I became too stressed to continue in any of them. This was not remedying the problem, but simply avoiding letting the symptoms get to an unmanageable level.
   The hair will not grow back, until I find something that genuinely fits with me. I can feel the heaviness on my crown chakra and I have felt the stagnant energy flow passing through that region. This of course leads to want to find out what it is that IS genuine for me. I already have a clue simply by where the issue is located...the crown...and no it is not being a King...even if I am a Leo...

Ennui and the Green Man

    I had another dream last night and I wanted to get the words down before they disappeared back into the ether. The dream was one in which I found myself wandering the streets of New York. I have never been there outside of playing Grand Theft Auto in a city based on it (This actually helped me navigate in the dream!).
   In the dream I had the day to spend in the city before returned back to my hostel/hotel. I think I was a tourist there as I was alone and didn't know anyone. The streets were busy and I wandered with no sense of purpose, just spending time.
   I have spent several years travelling so being in a new strange city on my own is not something particularly usual to me. So I was ready to just pass the dream off as irrelevant.
   Since the last few night's dreams have had greater relevance when examined more thoroughly, I felt I should do the same for this one.
    I started with the tone and feeling of the dream which I had at first discounted as usual. When I started to examine how I felt in the dream, I began to realise something. What I had felt in the dream was a great sense of ennui..now this word is not one I particularly use often, but it fits perfectly. It means disinterest through boredom. But it also speaks of a more existential feeling. It is pronounced ON-WE and is French in origin, and as as is known, the French are masters of existential thought and feeling. I felt that the world was uncaring, unsympathetic and indifferent to my loneliness and separation. Anyone who has ever spent time alone in a city when they know no-one has probably encountered this (if not watch Lost in Translation).
      That I would regard this terrible feeling as normal allowed me to look once more at the feelings it evoked and its roots. I think this is a follow on dream from the dinosaur dreams in my last blog posting and it speaks to my feelings at a slightly older age, when the immediate threat to survival had disappeared, or at least had evolved to a philosophy that included it in my burgeoning world view.
     I must have been around seven years old, when I first recall strong feelings of ennui. Which I am guessing isn't something that is usual in a seven year old outside of independent French films. My parents worked very hard in a cafe below where we lived and I recall spending large amounts of time watching the rain falling from the upper stories of our house. They were too busy to devote time to looking after us and there was a great number of babysitters, many of whom would watch TV while they "looked after us". It seemed like the rain would fall endlessly and the hours would drag past, until they would emerge exhausted from below. It is not that my family was restrictive or that they didn't care. We just lived in the centre of town on a busy road, so I couldn't play outside, even if there were any kids to play with. We had a rather smelly backyard, which was slimy and had mint growing up through the broken cobblestones and looked rather like some dreary set from a Dickensian story about urchins.
   Looking more at this I was struck by another memory from some years ago when I was ill with flu. I spent the day in bed with a hot water bottle and the day outside was dreary and raining. I had positioned the hot water bottle under my shoulders and fallen asleep. When I awoke, I found that my shoulders had really relaxed, but it also brought with it a terrible emotion, one of crushing despair and loneliness. It was too much to deal with at the time, so I regrettably had to suppress it. I think that it is likely still there and I think this may well be connected.
    I realise that if this philosophy of an uncaring and unsympathetic world still has purchase on my psyche, then it will likely prevent me from recognizing anything that might disrupt it.  The way in which energy works in conjunction with belief systems is that it lets in data that corresponds with its own ideology and rejects data that might disrupt its homeostasis. It even goes so far as to set itself up to encounter situations that re-enforce its ideology. This means one does not often run into situations that would threaten the status-quo of your belief system. Typical examples I have noticed are; skeptics invariably end up visiting fraudulent psychics,  abusees ending up with abusers, thieves robbing the financially paranoid etc etc. All because the situations continue to re-enforce the dynamic and we are subconsciously always steered towards the path of least resistance. Most of the time it is easier to be robbed, than to change your opinion about robbery ...as absurd as this initially sounds.
    What I am coming to the conclusion is that my own perceptions about the universe were initially loaded from very early on by circumstantial situations. Had my family been extremely wealthy and been able to holiday regularly and spend more time with each other, chances are that my perspective on the benevolence of the universe might have turned out a little different. Of course this may have brought up its own issues.
    This alerts me to the fact that my preconceptions of the universe are likely incorrect and I must learn to de-programme this childish perspective in order for it to more closer resemble the true model. Otherwise I will continuously be drawn towards systems that attempt to validate the way I understood the universe to have run.
    I have certainly witnessed the benevolence of the universe to others, so this makes the job a great deal easier.
    Another chord was struck when I recalled watching an episode of Battlestar Galactica late last night. In the episode Gaius Baltar is preaching about feeling that God loved him and that we are all perfect. Now, although I certainly feel a divine presence pretty much all the time nowadays, I would hardly say that I feel a stream of love coming forth. It is more like an impassive spectator to my daily triumphs and follies. It is happy to offer helpful advice and guidance, but I have never noticed any emotional connection or bond. There is more of an inscrutable Chinese martial arts mentor vibe going on than loving guru.
     This causes me to question if this is not my own doing, that is some way my own perspective is screwing up such a subtle and fine vibration. Crying out for mercy would have little effect if my own belief system denies the possibility of it ever actually occurring. I may even receive it yet have it filtered out in order to maintain the status-quo. I have tried before with little apparent success and I don't like spending much time at my own pity parties.
    This led me to take a look at it from a more energetic perspective on where such a problem may actually be occurring. The natural choice is the heart chakra, certainly given the incident with the hot water bottle. Now for those not familiar with the heart chakra, its colour is green (Each chakra has a corresponding colour which resonates). I had always wondered why green? I know it would mess up the entire spectrum thing, but I thought maybe pink would be better for the heart. Green always seemed such a silly colour. I remember getting angry with my mother for buying me a green shirt and specifically asking that if she was going to get me clothes for Christmas, that they better not be green. I also recall my father saying that his favourite colour was green... this again made me feel irrationally angry...who in their right mind would pick green as their favourite colour?
    Suddenly I recalled when I meditated, often green was the first colour I would see. I would often be a little disappointed that it wouldn't be a more "spiritual" colour...like violet..or purple. I don't think I have ever owned a stitch of green clothing and don't talk to me about St. Patrick's day...Never mind my allergy to anything green in nature.
    It all started to make sense.. I have been holding off this type of energy. I have rejected all things green. Unsurprisingly, I stayed indoors with my hay fever during summers and walks in the woods were not really something I would consider enjoyable. Going to the local new age store this morning, I intended to pick up a green stone and I ended up also getting a small Green Man pendant.
    The Green man is an entity that is connected to life, vibrancy, the forest, foliage and the British isles. He is commonly known as Jack in Green and is known to Pagan and Wiccan beliefs. Given my obvious connection the British Isles I felt a kinship to this being that I had never been able to find in the Goddess worship that is so commonly accepted as being related to the Earth. Whenever I tried to connect the "Goddess" I never really felt anything and that she wasn't really all that interested, but in conjunction with the Green Man, it all makes a lot more sense to me. Neo-Pagan beliefs often have these two as beings who are wed and have a cyclical relationship similar to that of Persephone and Hades.
     It also makes sense with some of the other dreams I have had connected with my lineage on the masculine side. For some reason I always looked to the Italian side of my heritage to find my masculinity, given that I have learned a great deal from my mother about femininity. It was always my Grandfather who taught me the most about being a man and he was English. It has brought a renewed sense of connection for me and I plan to look into the Celtic side of shamanism. I am thankful all this can be gleaned from a simple dream about wandering alone in a city...
 
     Also the image at the top of page is a design that can be purchased at the following address: http://www.celestialachelois.net/

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Prying open the third eye

 Last night I had a dream that was pretty disturbing, but I think it relates to the opening of my third eye, or at least the difficulties I have been facing in doing so.
  The third eye is actually one of the chakras located over the brow, the opening of which permits one to see clairvoyantly and to be subject to visions and visual insights. It is also known as the Ajna chakra in the Hindu systems of thought.
  The third eye can be momentarily opened through the use of hallucinogenic drugs such as peyote or DMT. I believe these drugs just give a chemical jump start to the pineal gland and have no lasting affect. They can open one up to the possibility although this is heavily negated by the fact that it was chemically induced and this makes people doubt its veracity, believing it was the drugs and not them even though it is merely activating chemicals already present in the body. I would not recommend such a course as it typically will bring up all the debris that is preventing it opening in the first place...usually resulting in a "bad trip".  Much better to clean the area out and have it open naturally.
     The Ajna chakra laying towards the top of the energy system is one of the later chakras to open on the path to individuation and that is why there is so few people who have active third eyes, literally the number of individuals reaching this stage of personal development is so small. It does function to some degree in most people, especially those with active imaginations although it is usually limited in its function by other belief structures overlaying this which naturally filter out anything which the person would deem abnormal.
     I will go into great depth about the form and function of each of the chakras in time, but for now I am going to take a look at the dream that initiated all this.
     Dreams are a great way to make progress, they are totally individual and suited to the recipient, although most people remain unaware of the meaning of dreams and it took me many years to begin to understand the language of dreams. I would strongly recommend it to anyone with an interest in personal or spiritual growth.
    Dreams speak to us in ways that paradoxically are so simple we fail to understand them. We often don't look at things in such a simplistic or instinctual fashion and therefore miss the point as we logically try and understand them. Dreams speak in symbols and in feeling, through both personal and archetypal imagery, often both at the same time. An image can be worth a thousand words and a symbol is worth much more than an image. Think of all the associations one has with just the image of something so simple as a dog. For many people this could bring up a personal wealth of feelings, sometimes good and sometimes bad depending on our past experiences. It also speaks to us on a primal level, we understand that it is a creature that doesn't have the same higher cognitive functions as us, that it is closer to the ground, that it is a symbol of loyalty and domestication. So when we dream we often don't even consider these levels or ideas and so can miss what should be an obvious meaning.
     In the dream I had, I was viewing a box car on a tram or a train. I was floating somewhere in the third person perspective (which suggests I don't feel particularly connected to any of the participants). There were two soldiers at the end of the car and one of them was trapped under some boxes. He was dark skinned and had a shaved head. He looked like one of the faceless evil minions I saw in a movie last night..that is bland and unremarkable. There was a third person... a shooter whom I could not see, but was closer to my viewpoint. He was firing a machine gun at the two soldiers and hit the soldier trapped under the boxes. He kept spraying the soldier with bullets and shot a line of bullets across his brow. I felt my own squeamishness in the dream and as if in response the scene became larger and more powerful. The shooter kept firing bullets into the face of the dying soldier, so much so that bullets actually started to leak from him. At this point the solider transformed in a demonic being, as if the extreme violence had created a new monster.The dream moved on at this point, to other incidental scenes.
     When I awoke I naturally did not want to confront this imagery, but I have learned that the most repulsive elements are usually the most important. Looking through my dream book ( I shall provide a link to it below..it really is a great book and would thoroughly recommend it!) I started to tease apart the meanings in each of the symbols.
    The trapped soldier is a helpless, although not blameless individual (what soldier does not carry some darkness in him). He represents an every-man to me, but someone who is defenseless against the unremitting barrage that is sent his way. That his brow is the first target suggests a connection to the third eye, given my intense introspection on the matter. He is also shot in the mouth which is relevant to later analysis. His transformation is suggestive of a darker element to this situation and a somewhat revelatory idea that his death creates a monster. That is demon is birthed through the violence and anger of the situation.
     It became apparent that the bullets were missiles cast at a helpless being who was deemed somewhat guilty of an unknown crime, therefore a worthy candidate for his punishment. What it reminds me of is an attitude I had hoped to leave behind. In the UK where I was raised it is popular to "shoot someone down" as a form of humour. If you can make the person look bad, then you yourself become elevated at their expense and if you can make everyone laugh at the same time all the better. This has been perfected to an art form in the UK and everyone is fair game, even yourself providing you can make sure that it is more humorous than damaging. There are entire TV shows based on this premise. I grew up in such and environment and naturally learned to develop this form of humour both as a defence mechanism and as a social prop.
    When I first arrived in the US on my travels I was immediately struck by something. That this cutting form of humour was not really present and many times it simply went over the heads of the recipients. My first rather uncharitable thought was that the people were not sophisticated enough to get it (barring a few alert individuals). Given that there was no riposte or defence from them, it started to very quickly just feel cruel. It felt like lashing out at puppies.  I soon started to relax and let go of this as a social prop or as a form of humour and found that I could open up to more genuine conversations without fear of reprisals.
   What I now realise is that although I have mostly let go of this type of humour, it still lives within me. I do on rare occasion poke fun at likely individuals and even if it never leaves my mouth, such ideas still rise up within me. While it would seemed harmless to continue this gentle form of ribbing, it obviously affecting how I perceive things and the benefits of letting it go outweigh the occasional jape at the expense of some helpless individual. Sending compassion rather than scorn for a weakened individual would be a better use of my energy and a more mature and wholesome attitude. It also allows more positive energy to flow through the chakra, rather than projecting outwards which disrupts the integrity of the third eye.
      While I would love to go into more depth about how to go about opening the third eye the journey is personal to each individual and it typically involves removing our own preconceptions about how we see the world. This can mean both how we physically see and allow ourselves to see with our mind's eye. But in the interest of including more, I have information on the Chakra tab near the title bar. Opening the third eye can be helped by using exercises or consulting a professional energy healer, the latter which I would recommend if it is a serious consideration for you.