In the dream I had the day to spend in the city before returned back to my hostel/hotel. I think I was a tourist there as I was alone and didn't know anyone. The streets were busy and I wandered with no sense of purpose, just spending time.
I have spent several years travelling so being in a new strange city on my own is not something particularly usual to me. So I was ready to just pass the dream off as irrelevant.
Since the last few night's dreams have had greater relevance when examined more thoroughly, I felt I should do the same for this one.
I started with the tone and feeling of the dream which I had at first discounted as usual. When I started to examine how I felt in the dream, I began to realise something. What I had felt in the dream was a great sense of ennui..now this word is not one I particularly use often, but it fits perfectly. It means disinterest through boredom. But it also speaks of a more existential feeling. It is pronounced ON-WE and is French in origin, and as as is known, the French are masters of existential thought and feeling. I felt that the world was uncaring, unsympathetic and indifferent to my loneliness and separation. Anyone who has ever spent time alone in a city when they know no-one has probably encountered this (if not watch Lost in Translation).
That I would regard this terrible feeling as normal allowed me to look once more at the feelings it evoked and its roots. I think this is a follow on dream from the dinosaur dreams in my last blog posting and it speaks to my feelings at a slightly older age, when the immediate threat to survival had disappeared, or at least had evolved to a philosophy that included it in my burgeoning world view.
I must have been around seven years old, when I first recall strong feelings of ennui. Which I am guessing isn't something that is usual in a seven year old outside of independent French films. My parents worked very hard in a cafe below where we lived and I recall spending large amounts of time watching the rain falling from the upper stories of our house. They were too busy to devote time to looking after us and there was a great number of babysitters, many of whom would watch TV while they "looked after us". It seemed like the rain would fall endlessly and the hours would drag past, until they would emerge exhausted from below. It is not that my family was restrictive or that they didn't care. We just lived in the centre of town on a busy road, so I couldn't play outside, even if there were any kids to play with. We had a rather smelly backyard, which was slimy and had mint growing up through the broken cobblestones and looked rather like some dreary set from a Dickensian story about urchins.
Looking more at this I was struck by another memory from some years ago when I was ill with flu. I spent the day in bed with a hot water bottle and the day outside was dreary and raining. I had positioned the hot water bottle under my shoulders and fallen asleep. When I awoke, I found that my shoulders had really relaxed, but it also brought with it a terrible emotion, one of crushing despair and loneliness. It was too much to deal with at the time, so I regrettably had to suppress it. I think that it is likely still there and I think this may well be connected.
I realise that if this philosophy of an uncaring and unsympathetic world still has purchase on my psyche, then it will likely prevent me from recognizing anything that might disrupt it. The way in which energy works in conjunction with belief systems is that it lets in data that corresponds with its own ideology and rejects data that might disrupt its homeostasis. It even goes so far as to set itself up to encounter situations that re-enforce its ideology. This means one does not often run into situations that would threaten the status-quo of your belief system. Typical examples I have noticed are; skeptics invariably end up visiting fraudulent psychics, abusees ending up with abusers, thieves robbing the financially paranoid etc etc. All because the situations continue to re-enforce the dynamic and we are subconsciously always steered towards the path of least resistance. Most of the time it is easier to be robbed, than to change your opinion about robbery ...as absurd as this initially sounds.
What I am coming to the conclusion is that my own perceptions about the universe were initially loaded from very early on by circumstantial situations. Had my family been extremely wealthy and been able to holiday regularly and spend more time with each other, chances are that my perspective on the benevolence of the universe might have turned out a little different. Of course this may have brought up its own issues.
This alerts me to the fact that my preconceptions of the universe are likely incorrect and I must learn to de-programme this childish perspective in order for it to more closer resemble the true model. Otherwise I will continuously be drawn towards systems that attempt to validate the way I understood the universe to have run.
I have certainly witnessed the benevolence of the universe to others, so this makes the job a great deal easier.
Another chord was struck when I recalled watching an episode of Battlestar Galactica late last night. In the episode Gaius Baltar is preaching about feeling that God loved him and that we are all perfect. Now, although I certainly feel a divine presence pretty much all the time nowadays, I would hardly say that I feel a stream of love coming forth. It is more like an impassive spectator to my daily triumphs and follies. It is happy to offer helpful advice and guidance, but I have never noticed any emotional connection or bond. There is more of an inscrutable Chinese martial arts mentor vibe going on than loving guru.
This causes me to question if this is not my own doing, that is some way my own perspective is screwing up such a subtle and fine vibration. Crying out for mercy would have little effect if my own belief system denies the possibility of it ever actually occurring. I may even receive it yet have it filtered out in order to maintain the status-quo. I have tried before with little apparent success and I don't like spending much time at my own pity parties.
This led me to take a look at it from a more energetic perspective on where such a problem may actually be occurring. The natural choice is the heart chakra, certainly given the incident with the hot water bottle. Now for those not familiar with the heart chakra, its colour is green (Each chakra has a corresponding colour which resonates). I had always wondered why green? I know it would mess up the entire spectrum thing, but I thought maybe pink would be better for the heart. Green always seemed such a silly colour. I remember getting angry with my mother for buying me a green shirt and specifically asking that if she was going to get me clothes for Christmas, that they better not be green. I also recall my father saying that his favourite colour was green... this again made me feel irrationally angry...who in their right mind would pick green as their favourite colour?
Suddenly I recalled when I meditated, often green was the first colour I would see. I would often be a little disappointed that it wouldn't be a more "spiritual" colour...like violet..or purple. I don't think I have ever owned a stitch of green clothing and don't talk to me about St. Patrick's day...Never mind my allergy to anything green in nature.
It all started to make sense.. I have been holding off this type of energy. I have rejected all things green. Unsurprisingly, I stayed indoors with my hay fever during summers and walks in the woods were not really something I would consider enjoyable. Going to the local new age store this morning, I intended to pick up a green stone and I ended up also getting a small Green Man pendant.
The Green man is an entity that is connected to life, vibrancy, the forest, foliage and the British isles. He is commonly known as Jack in Green and is known to Pagan and Wiccan beliefs. Given my obvious connection the British Isles I felt a kinship to this being that I had never been able to find in the Goddess worship that is so commonly accepted as being related to the Earth. Whenever I tried to connect the "Goddess" I never really felt anything and that she wasn't really all that interested, but in conjunction with the Green Man, it all makes a lot more sense to me. Neo-Pagan beliefs often have these two as beings who are wed and have a cyclical relationship similar to that of Persephone and Hades.
It also makes sense with some of the other dreams I have had connected with my lineage on the masculine side. For some reason I always looked to the Italian side of my heritage to find my masculinity, given that I have learned a great deal from my mother about femininity. It was always my Grandfather who taught me the most about being a man and he was English. It has brought a renewed sense of connection for me and I plan to look into the Celtic side of shamanism. I am thankful all this can be gleaned from a simple dream about wandering alone in a city...
Also the image at the top of page is a design that can be purchased at the following address: http://www.celestialachelois.net/
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