4 of Swords. Rest and relaxation.

 The 4 of Swords is a card that I felt somewhat ambivalent about drawing. On the one hand it meant that rest was in order, while on the other hand I felt it meant it was unlikely to yield any great revelations. I feel I may have underestimated this card as I served only to prove me wrong!
    On the card we see a figure reclining on what appears to be a sarcophagus. It looks like he is no more than a decoration adorning the lid. His armour and sword suggest he may well have been a warrior in life. His hands are together in the universal symbol of prayer and a peaceful look is on his face. The sarcophagus is golden and contrasts strongly with the purple walls behind him. It seems the warrior has finally found peace and it is in death.
    It was Edgar Allan Poe who called sleep those little slices of death. He apparently loathed sleep and this is an outlook that is mirrored by a great deal of people. Rest and relaxation are looked upon with some form of disdain, as if they somehow steal part of our lives or allow it to fritter away in laziness. Our society deems rest and relaxation as being in many ways a necessary evil, that if we could do away with death, then sleep would become the next great enemy. Oh...that we could live our lives in constant business and industry. I for one do not follow such an ideal. Life without it's contrasts would be a terrible place.
      The figure on the battle is resting after a life of battling. So when I drew this card I decided that I should allow myself to rest, at least for the weekend. I put down all that I was working on, both internally and externally and allowed myself to rest...or at least I tried to. While my weekend was somewhat busy, it was pure relaxation, spending time playing games with friends and just generally taking it easy. I decided to relax my ban on games playing for that period since it was an in the interests of writing a piece on relaxation. I found myself feeling as if I was being lazy and unproductive..as if there should be someway to make my rest time more valuable. In the end I started to see the virtue of uninterrupted rest.
      On the wall at the back of the card hang three swords along with a stained glass window depicting a scene. The swords represent a rest from constant mental movement and the purple backdrop suggests a spiritual grounding for them, that there is a time to hang up your sword and simply rest. The stained glass window is somewhat confusing and it is a little difficult to work out what it is showing with any great clarity.  What I see when I gaze softly upon it is a saintly figure on the left giving something to a kneeling figure on the right. In the background of the window is a church or cathedral. It strikes me as being a holy sacrament of some type, that this period of solace and rest are requisite to receiving grace.
    The urge to fill one's time with productive tasks is a common one, but life has two sides and regardless of how we struggle at least one third of it will be spent resting in sleep. It would then seem that in order to fully balance our lives there should also be a period of time in which we also rest and relax during our waking cycle. This opens us to the idea that this would be wasteful, but in truth rest is necessary. After every in breath there is an out breath. After each movement there is a pause, stillness balances movement.
    It is only when we slow down and take stock, when we let our eyes adjust to the darkness do we see details we missed while we moved and acted. Like a camera on long exposure our consciousnesses can pick up background details, see details that are not visible to the cones in our eyes. Like the dark sensitive rods our consciousness needs a period of inactivity to become active. It is only when we close the gates of our minds and quiet the chatterings of our inner voices that we are truly ready to receive.
   What I discovered in the quietness was that in order to receive inspiration one must be willing to rest and receive. That not all down time is displacement. That sometimes playing games, switching off our minds and relaxing allows our subconscious to go to work on the area in our lives that our conscious working brains would never be able to grasp. That there is a difference between busy work and actual work, that there is a difference between avoidance and true relaxation. Ideally we can perform our work diligently then relax and enjoy our lives in an equally responsible manner.
    I personally discovered that being unconscious is not the enemy, it is the counterpart to consciousness. Without one another they cannot function.  Only by fully resting and relaxing can we be truly awake.

10 of Swords. Defeat and failure.

  The 10 of Swords is one of those cards that people dread to draw, the imagery alone is enough to frighten people away from understanding the meaning behind this card. I had been a little nervous of drawing this card, as my life usually reflects the energy of the card that is currently in play, when it arrived yesterday I immediately knew what it pertained to.
   The figure in the card has been pinned to the earth by the ten swords and his life blood pools below him. Above him dark clouds gather as he gazes sightlessly out towards the ocean before him.
   Failure, defeat and humiliation are the bywords of this card and its energy. Of course, they are not pleasant and pain is doubtless going to ensue. It the the fulfillment of a road not followed, a path ignored. This can only lead to pain, humiliation and outright failure. Each one of his thoughts has come back to destroy him and immoblise him with their weight and deadly force.
    This card can be the culmination of a series of bad or uninformed choices that eventually leads us to this point. The weight of all these choices finally brings us down and gives us no choice but to buckle under their weight. It is the end of a phase, it is a stage of completion and from it something new will emerge. The tens are always completion and as such, even though it is difficult to see in this card, presage a new beginning.
     Each of the swords is driven into the spinal column, creating a line down his back. The spine is the vessel for the energy of awakening and it shows that in order to awaken one must go through a painful initiation, on all levels.
    In my own life the symbolism of the card speaks directly to me. During the last stretch of my life I have ignored my own health and fitness, choosing to focus on other areas of my life. As a result there are deep tensions in my body that need to be worked out. In order to do this I have found a friend who is willing to work on these deep tensions in exchange for energy work of my own. He uses a technique known as the Spiral technique, which involves massaging out the stuck and calcified spots in my musculature and tendons. Regardless, there is pain involved as these spots are pressed on and straightened out. At some points the pain is very intense as I can literally feel the tense muscles coming apart and releasing their toxins. The massage actually involves me laying face down and having a blanket lain over my body similar to the pose adopted in the card. It does indeed feel as though swords are being pushed into the super tense areas.
    I understand now that in order to release this mindset I must fully release all these blockages, even though it is a very painful process. I must take greater account of my health and fitness if I am to continue in the field of health and well-being. Don't get me wrong, I am hardly unhealthy or weak, but I am certainly far from my ideal and as a result there is no way that I can advocate being physically healthy and at the peak of fitness without sounding hypocritical.
   I only arrived at this juncture by not listening to my physical needs and not keeping on top of things. There have been mitigating circumstances that have not made it easy up until this point, but I also have to accept that I did not do all that was possible. The road to recovery will be hard, painful and most likely humiliating. But if I accept this as my journey, then I can rise above it, even as I push through it.
  In the card you can see in the distance on the horizon, that there is a light creeping in, even if the current prognosis is grim. This card is a what happens when you ignore the wake-up call in an area of your life and must eventually face your own failure. Drawing this card alerts us to areas we may have ignored or given up on. It shows us that from this point progress is possible, but to do so we must go through the difficult and painful process or removing the fruits of our ignorance. These toxins have to be removed and doing so is painful as we have to see exactly where we have failed. It can serve to grant us a new level of humility, which is borne from suffering humiliation and raising ourselves above it. 

3 of Swords. Heartbreak and break up.

  The symbolism of this card is pretty apparent, the three swords piercing the heart through with a cloudy backdrop just shouts heart ache and sorrow.
   I was concerned when I drew this card and Zoe gave this card a look and said we might be in for some friction. I left the card to sit for a while, because quite honestly I wasn't feeling a great deal of heartache. The card has sat for a few days now and I have not noticed any unusual friction within my own life. I have however noticed a great deal of it going around.
    Many of the women in the periphery of my life have been struggling to extricate themselves from difficult relationships, relationships that have included abuse emotionally and sometimes even verbally. Friction is not uncommon within relationships, but sometimes it is more than simple two individuals rubbing each other the wrong way. In these instances breakup is only ever going to be the healthy option.
    The heart in the card is pinioned by three blades from above, the clouds are dark and rain falls. Yet behind the heart is illumination showing that beyond the heartache something new and fresh lies beyond.
     Heartbreak is difficult, but sometimes the heart needs to be broken open so that it can feel once more. The walls we build around our hearts are often strongly re-enforced and nothing short of a sundering will bring them down. This is not the falling walls of The Tower card, it is an energy that can be felt and risen above regardless of its intensity.
   The three swords in the card also speak of a trinity connected to the heartbreak. This may be another person in the dynamic or an external event outside two individuals. Wherever three instances occur there is often something greater happening.
    A colleague of mine (who I am yet to meet) has informed everyone at the healing centre that we all currently going through a process of letting go of old emotions as our spirits are being elevated. I am unsure of whom he is meaning when he states this (I get the feeling he is talking globally) asI usually don't connect easily to these mass trends occurring. Although in this case I have felt rather emotionally unusual in the last few days and have heard similar reports from those around me. It may be astrological, circumstantial or synchronous but it is definitely occurring, at least to me and those within my immediate circle.
     I was able to cast of this unusually morose upsurge of emotions this afternoon and I feel it may be related also to witnessing people throwing off unhelpful energetic structures and attachments.
    But back to the subject of heartbreak. When we release these old attachments, it can feel like our hearts are pierced through. One interesting thing to note is that this card falls in the suit of swords which are in the mental realm. One would assume heartache should fall within the realm of cups or emotions, yet it doesn't. What are we to make of this unusual detail? Is it possible that this heartache is occurring due to damage to the ego?
      The swords are piercing and destroying the heart and in doing so are removing our illusions about love and its influence in our life. Nothing can actually harm our immortal spirit, but the emotional constructs we build up around ourselves can certainly be shattered and if we are strongly attached it can certainly feel like our spirits are being torn asunder. The true connections we have with one another can never really be harmed, it is only our frail emotional bodies that suffer when we break up. It is the attachments we held in our hearts that are really sundered. It is an illusion that is painfully real that has been pierced. If there is nothing left when the attachments are lost then it suggests that there was nothing there to begin with, but those we are truly connected with are not lost through simple emotional turmoil.
   You can love someone dearly, lose them and yet not suffer heartbreak through an understanding of the continuation of spirit. When heartbreak and pining for the lost attachment occurs, it is not the person you mourn but the loss of illusion and what you thought was real. This difficult moment can be used to see what illusion you were so attached to in the other and then use it realise that part actually lies within you. Heartbreak is a powerful lesson and many people try and leave it behind as quickly as possible without seeing that within it are the seeds to avoid it happening again to us, if we would only stop to see what it is we feel we lost.
   So if you are suffering from heartbreak or loss, remember that we never truly lose loved ones, it is their influence or what they represented to us that we are mourning.
   
   

6 of Swords. Moving away from turbulence

     The Six of Swords is a card that is usually the precursor to a journey of some kind. The figure in the card is guiding a gondola away from turbulent, and one presumes shallow waters to a distant land visible on the horizon.
     Since the card is in the suit of swords this relates to a mental endeavor, a moving away from an emotionally troubling situation. This has been happening in my own life rather recently. It has been no secret to anyone reading my blog recently that this past year has been one of emotional and financial turmoil. I got a great deal done on a personal level. I broke through my artistic and motivational block, I found a new workplace for my healing and I put a very difficult personal matter to rest after a number of years. This has all been tumultuous and I am grateful for those who offered me the support and help I needed during this time (Zoe especially).
     This however is a new year (just entering into 2012) and it presents an opportunity to fully leave behind the emotional difficulties of the past.
     The figure is moving the heavily laden barge to a far off destination. One can see the turbulent waters close to the front of the card and the smoother waters beyond. On the barge is huddled a figure in a cloak and a young child along with the six swords. You cannot see their faces or their expressions but you can see they are slightly hunched over and there is an air of weariness about them.  It is easy to imagine that it has been a long and difficult journey and the emotionally difficult situation is only just ending. We cannot see the shore that he has left behind and must look towards where he is heading.
           Moving ahead requires looking forward and that is what this card is asking us to do. Even though there is a level of turbulence still around the boat and he is still poling them through it, he looks to the future and the smooth sailing he will encounter before he reaches his destination.
       The six in each suit always represents a level of harmony, even in the sometimes troublesome suit of swords. In this card in particular you can feel the sense of relief that the figures in the card feel in heading to calmer waters. The cargo of swords that has probably weighed them down through the tumultuous emotional roller-coaster ride may actually now cease to be such a burden and may even prove useful. The card represents the enjoyment of a journey, when you are out of trouble and the destination is in sight.
      I can really feel the energy of this card in myself and in my life. I remain optimistic about this new year and the opportunities it will offer and the troublesome burden of all the thoughts I carried throughout the journey may find a worthy home.
     The three figures in the card, like dream symbolism represent the aspects of the body, mind and soul. It also relates to the trinity of male, female and child. It suggests that all of you is moving out of danger, not just one isolated element. Whether this all represents your family or simply all one person represents, it is a good sign.
     Like all movement it is always the beginning part, the overcoming of inertia that is the most difficult and challenging. Once movement is attained, then everything often goes a great deal smoother.

Ace of Swords. Standing up for truth.

     All of the Aces stand at the beginning of their own suit of elements. The Ace of Swords represents the element of air, of thought and mentality. It is a new beginning an influx of primal unsullied air energy being ushered into our lives.
      The suit of swords is often given a rather unfair descriptor of being one of the more negative suits. True, it does include a greater number of cards that seem outwardly negative, but without this element things would be a whole lot worse.
     The card depicts a large glowing sword being thrust forward, held by a divine hand emerging from a cloud. Swords themselves really only have one purpose...cutting. This purpose can be applied in several different ways and it can certainly be used for harm or evil purposes. Because of the fearsome power of the sword, this makes people afraid of it. But this awesome power can also be used for good and its power rightfully then belongs in the hands of those who would use it for that.
     The crown atop the sword is an indicator of its primacy, that it is used for rulership, hanging from the crown are two branches. One is an olive branch, the other a palm leaf. These two plants signify the dual nature of the sword. The olive branch is a symbol of peace, while the palm is traditionally a symbol of the successful vanquishing of the enemies of the soul. Often this was viewed in the context of spirit vs flesh, but I feel have moved past that archaic dichotomy. It truly symbolises spirit vs the misuse of power.
       The white and purple surrounding the card are symbolic of higher energies, typically those emerging from the crown chakra. That of universal mind. It suggests that this energy is in the employ of higher service.
        The Ace of swords represents the use of the intellect in the service of the highest good, that of universal mind. Too often the good are afraid of their own power and fail to utilise their own innate strength for fear of being like those who use their strength for misguided aims. This card is the pure essence of mentality and showing that it truly belongs in the hands of the good and if they do not grasp it, they cannot prevent its misuse.
      I have realised in my own life that not being prepared to use force to defend the good allows evil to triumph. That in itself is an evil. "All that is required for evil to triumph, is that good men do nothing". There is often a great fear that by accepting power it will immediately corrupt any goodness. But only the good will hold this thought in their minds as they wield power and be on constant guard for its misuse, both within themselves and in others. That is why it must be used by those who would call themselves goodly.
     Recently I have had to use this energy to create a new space in my life. I have had to accept that being brutally honest within communication sometimes is the only way to protect goodness. I have felt deep in my gut that something is wrong and I have used my intellect to find its root and to sever it without guilt or qualms. Just as a doctor may need to apply the scalpel to a cancer, any less measure than eradication is only going to allow the cancer to flourish. There is nothing inherently evil about this, even if it is a process that seems painful and severe.
     Talking with a couple of friends last night this conversation came up. A friend talked about several guys she knew who were too "nice" to complain about their food at a restaurant. Instead they griped and moaned rather than applying their power to change anything. This passive aggressive behaviour is not really good or nice. It causes those around them to suffer their petulance and creates an air of discomfort. By not grasping the power of truth and applying it, they perpetuate an evil...albeit a very minor one in this case. Aggressively pursuing truth is not an evil. By alerting a server to the inadequacy of the meal, they are doing themselves and the restaurant a service.  This of course is a minor example, but where someone fails in a minor way, they are not going to succeed in something major. Using the excuse that they are nice to not complain is merely covering up a personal weakness. Often they are afraid of any greater confrontation and the appearance of aggression.
      Applying aggression in the cause of goodness or right is not bad, in fact it is a greater level of goodness than mere passivity. But only when it is applied for the right cause. If you are not sure it is right, then do not use this power. Trust your gut and your heart, find what is wrong. Reason it out, find the best, most efficient and compassionate way to resolve it and apply your power. It may well involve cutting through someone's ego. That person may react as though you have cut them, but if you have followed your gut, applied your instinctual knowing you can be sure it is for the good.
     Allowing someone to use their ego to diminish or make another suffer is not a good action. That person may believe they are not hurting anyone else or that they are just being themselves. But people are not their egos. They are not their bad behaviour. Cutting this away may seem painful to them, but sometimes it is necessary. We all secretly love those who can speak openly and not stand for bad behaviour. That is a power we all have, one we should all be unafraid to embody. Imagine the good that could be done if people all stood up for their truth.

2 of Swords. Denial and innocence.

 The two of swords is all about denial. Most of the time this denial is not something we are consciously engaging in, but it there never-the-less.
   It is tough to be in denial. I think I am in denial about my current situation and this makes this card all the more pertinent. The two swords represent the two choices presented before us, usually in an either/or scenario. Both of these options are unenviable. For me it relates to a job situation that is currently occurring. It snowed last night and all today, and for a guy with a snow shoveling job it should be busy, busy, busy. But my phone remained remarkable silent regardless of my going to bed at 10am and preparing myself to rise at 5am.
    Now I am in the unenviable position of trying to decide how to respond. After the debacle on Friday with the job (he called at 5am with no prompting and was a jackass when I called him back) I have to decide if not being called on a severe weather warning day is a brush off or that he simply had no business (which seems very unlikely). My gut tells me he is trying to "punish" me for not being available for his call and is therefore getting off on a power trip.
   This is where the denial comes in. Denial would at first glance seem to serve me well. Just wait a while... maybe I am not seeing the situation right... The money would be very helpful right now... Maybe I really don't want to work and this is a convenient excuse to be as lazy as I have been accused of in the past...I should really give him the benefit of the doubt...
   The figure is dressed totally in white, even down to the blindfold. White is typically related to innocence and purity. Does this mean that the figure is innocent in their situation? It would seem so. So then maybe this innocence is related to the blindfold. It is pretty easy to deny something you are innocent of knowing. Innocence and ignorance are close bedfellows and the figure is not facing up to the situation because of the lack of information. In my situation, I do not have the luxury of knowing all the facts, I really can't see what is going on behind the scenes. So maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
   The two choices seem to be either retaliation or submission. I could either call him on his behaviour, or let it go. Neither seem that fun. While writing a shouty email would be cathartic, it may just lead to further unpleasantness (and face it unpleasantness is not a skill I worked on honing). It is also just playing the game...do I have to adopt shoutyness as a personality trait to deal with individuals like this? Submission is equally repulsive, but it does come with a possible cash payoff (and I could really do with the cash).
   Looking at the card the symbolism seems to point to another option. The figure has her arms crossed over her chest. This means she is covering and protecting her heart and her vulnerability. If I could just relax out of the situation so it doesn't seem like a fight or flight scenario then I might be able to step away from the adrenalised solutions that appear in my mind. Following a course that feels good really is the best option and maybe if I stop being in defensive mode then I can start seeing clearly.
    Behind her we also see the seashore. The sea is an ancient symbol for the unconscious and this shoreline looks a little rocky. Trying to navigate a reef with a blindfold is asking for trouble. With her blindfold, she is  not even aware of the sea behind her. It suggests a tool that can be used to help determine the correct course which she is not making use of.
    In my situation it seems like facing the situation and leaving it up to my subconscious to figure it out might be the best option. The moon suggests sleeping on it might not be too bad an idea. It is transitioning and the fact that it relates to emotion might suggest that I may feel different in the morning.
   In the end, it feels like I am innocent rather than truly in denial and choosing an option while I am still emotional and unable to see all the pieces of the puzzle would be a bad move. I do trust my intuitions and I am sure that my subconscious will deliver up to me the ideal solution for this situation!

5 of Swords. Bullying and intimidation.

 I didn't actually draw this card from the deck, but I feel it is time to confront the issues that this card pertains to rather than passively waiting for its turn. I had a dream last night about one of the cards, but the image of the card was unclear. All I could make out was that there was a single primary figure facing left, searching through my deck I found the five of swords and it all made sense.
   The five of swords is not the most pleasant card to find and the issues it talks about make me feel uncomfortable. Last year about this time I encountered a very difficult situation in my personal life. A former close friend and partner entered my life again after walking out on our friendship five years prior. She had left abruptly with no explanation and cut all contact, both with me and all her supposedly good friends here, telling us not to seek contact. We had been extremely close and I had counted her among my most valuable friends, so her subsequent leaving without explanation hit me extremely hard and there had been no way to gain closure on the situation. When she came back, she decided that she would stay at the place I worked at, yet didn't seem interested in making contact. I had hoped she was trying to reconcile things from her past, or at least foster some kind of understanding of what had happened. This wasn't the case.
    For me, it brought up a great deal of ill feeling towards her. I had been treated abominably and was expected to put it all behind me and just greet her as though she had just popped out to pick up some milk and had gotten a little delayed. Feeling overcome with rage and anger I made the choice not to meet with her, since I didn't feel like I would be able to control my actions or my emotions and didn't want to risk being damaged again (or damaging her!). Plus, she had chosen my workplace as a her chosen venue to stay so losing my cool while working was not a good idea. I did take the opportunity to explain all my feelings in a letter which I had delivered to her. Of course she didn't reply, nor did she attempt to salve any of the hurt feelings. It became obvious that I had badly misjudged her in believing she would act in a responsible or compassionate manner.
   For the year afterwards I allowed myself to get in touch with my rage and my anger, I left situations I found intolerable and let go of "friendships" that suffered from the same lack of concern or basic human empathy.
   It seems like things are coming around full circle for me as I realise that I cannot simply avoid such situations as they are constantly cropping up in life. Avoidance might be a better way to deal with abuse than taking it, but it is still far from optimal.
    The card itself is about one-upmanship, those smug fools who spar with words and emotions and take advantage of situations for their own selfish ends. In the card the figure at the right of the card appears to have vanquished his foes, either through unkind words or through mental sparring indicated by the swords. He collects his winnings in the form of the swords he is picking up from the ground. He is garbed in green and red, two highly contrasting colours mixing growth and passion. I feel this symbolises his aggressive stance towards winning at all costs. Ruthlessness and naked ambition are his tools and he doesn't care about who he hurts to get his way. This may be because he has been hurt by traumatic events, or because he enjoys feeling powerful by dominating those he feels threaten his position. None-the-less all of his actions come from a position of weakness and not strength.
      The two figures he has vanquished are garbed in yellow which is linked to the idea of cowardice. They have either lain down their swords or been beaten in the fighting. Either way the situation has not gone their way and the energy is left in imbalance with feelings of either resentment or regret.
    All conflicts end up in this fashion if followed through to their logical conclusion. This is a mental battle ground and the "victor" is the one that leaves with the energy. Ever notice how if you win in an argument you feel energised and when you lose you feel defeated and drained? This is to do with a literal energy exchange between the energy fields. Some people need to supplement their energy by arguing and there are those who know of no other way. Having grown up in a turbulent environment, or with people who regularly practise this form of energy exchange they learn to feel it is natural.
    As you can see in the card the backdrop shows a stormy sky and a melancholy sea. These indicate the feeling that accompany such situations, sadness, loss, regret on the side of the loser and smugness, arrogance and cruelty on the side of the winner. They are both sides of the same coin and the victor feels he must protect himself from being a loser and feeling the way they do, so he takes an aggressive stance and initiates battle before he is victimised.
    The card itself is highly polarised, offering only two possibilities. Either you are a aggressive victor dominating the situation, or you're a submissive loser who hides in shame or burns with resentment and regret.
   Like many of the cards that seem to offer only two unsatisfactory options, there is often a third option that holds the pathway to correct resolution. I have been on both sides and both feel equally unbalanced and unpleasant. I have taken the path of avoidance more than I have the aggressors path though and as a result I have still had to deal with this type of energy when it arises, but from the standpoint of a victim.
   I don't wish to be a victim to these sorts of situations any longer. During the period when I was really feeling the rage and anger arise, I took myself out of a lot of situations in which I could have easily turned into the aggressor. Being aggressive has a feeling of righteousness attached, but it still comes from a place of deep hurt and that hurt will only be spread to others if you act while in that space. For me it is difficult to adopt that standpoint and remain in good with my conscience.
    Trying to find the right level of response is key and mastering your anger is paramount. It is very easy to flip from one side of the coin to the other, from being a victim to being an aggressor. The only way out of this energy is to maintain your cool and deal from a higher point of awareness. This is much easier said than done, especially if another is pressing your buttons or abusing you mentally or verbally.
   With me I find it easy to get pulled into the victim mindset wanting to avoid the conflict that may already be occurring. I give the aggressor the benefit of the doubt, when they are often not deserving of it. I lose my ability to find humour in the situation and start taking things personally (especially when they are personal!). A good example happened to me this morning. I have started a part time job snow shoveling. I applied for the position in September (several months ago) and only heard back from them in October after I followed up on the call. They said they would get back in touch with me to tell me about orientation sometime in November.
   Last night it snowed. I got a call at 5am in the morning and was unable to make it to the phone before it rung off, there was no message left for me so I was not sure who called. When I woke sometime after 8 I realised I could dial *69 and then followed up by searching the number on the internet. I found out that it was the snow removal job and promptly called them back. The guy on the other end sounded a little annoyed as if I had let him down in some way and I apologised for not making it to the phone in time. I felt like I was making a feeble excuse and when I was finished on the phone I felt angry about the whole situation.
     It seems obvious that they would call me after a snow fall, but since I have never worked for them or heard from them in a several weeks I wasn't expecting a call at 5am. It is hardly surprising that I couldn't get to the phone in time. I understand that the guy may may not have been angry at me at all! But it is so easy to slide into this type of interaction and I end up suppressing my anger again for fear of shouting back when the situation doesn't warrant it.
     I wish to take myself out of this situation as I hate being on either side of the coin. I am starting to see that I may have underlying issues that allow me to spark off either way very easily, especially if I am pushed. This situation with my "friend" has re-opened a very old can of worms. I don't allow myself to act aggressively, either verbally or physically which means it all get suppressed. People have made the mistake before of thinking that I will be pushed around, but they usually end up seeing the flip side if it continues (although this is very rare and requires quite a bit of pushing).
  What is happening is that I allow things to get to me rather than seeing them as emotions arising in me and peacefully allowing them to pass before taking action. I get caught up in the roles and forget I am there to watch them and respond appropriately once I am centred, letting go of the attachment to my ego (which is the part that takes it personally).
   I might even write a list of things I take personally so I can be on the look out. Once I can spot them and let them go, I will be able to speak up and out without using undue force or reverting to avoidance.

Queen of Swords. The independent woman.

   Drawing the Queen of Swords completes for me the court cards of the suit of Swords. As with all the Queen cards she represents the feminine aspect of rulership. In this set she is the active competent while the King is the passive.
     The Queen herself is obviously an independent woman quite capable of taking care of the matters of the kingdom. She is facing to the right on the card and looking to the future, her hand raised as if bidding another to rise, or to gesture onwards or upwards.
   She wears a cloak of clouds which indicates that she is still connected to her feminine intuitive nature, even with the mantle of leadership placed upon her. The White robe beneath it shows the clarity and purity of her thoughts, but don't confuse that with naivete or innocence. The upright swords represents martial power and is reminiscent of the Justice card, showing she is quite capable to meting out force when necessary. One thing to notice is that the sword is creating a barrier between herself and whomever she is addressing.
    This figure still feels it necessary to keep people at a distance with a show of naked steel (her intellect). The clouds and wind behind her show there is still a great deal of emotional content, even though she is quite capable of rising above it when necessary (the gesture indicates this). The bird above her head shows that she occupies this space a lot of the time and can be solitary in nature. These aspects indicate the need to rise above emotional situations in order to advance.
    Again we can see a lot of butterfly symbolism showing transformation and evolution. In this instance I feel it indicates being able to transform emotionally volatile situations by rising above them. She is much more connected to her intuitive side than the King, shown by the face of the Cherub on the side of the Throne. In his card the cherub is small, whereas here he occupies a large place on the side of the throne and therefore in her methods of rulership.
  She wears a head scarf of orange and the lining of the cloak is also orange, though these are a subdued colour. This indicates she is still in touch with her emotions, even if they are somewhat hidden or covered by the trappings of rulership.
   In general this card I feel shows the modern ideal of a personally liberated woman as viewed by society. That she is able to hold her own in arenas that are often (myopically) seen to be the sole province of men. She is still able to firmly keep hold of her femininity in spite of the phallic nature of the suit of swords. Both this suit and that of wands are typically male elements (fire and air) and both Queens in those decks have mastered this energy without losing their innate nature as women.
      Whenever I have drawn this card before it has often symbolised my own wife Zoe. The idea of being an independently minded woman has figured very large in her life and like for many of us is a work in progress. Her chosen career is that of a writer, which fits in with the indications of this card, along with her Libran nature (again connections to the Justice card). At the moment she is reading a book which she is finding empowering for her femininity in a way that has not been present in her own life.
      I do think that there are a great many challenges to women who chose to rise above the legacy that patriarchy has left behind. I like to hope that there are less obstacles to women achieving a  level of personal liberation than there has been previously. It takes a level of courage, for both men and women to step beyond the roles that society defines for us. A good female friend of mine wishes to raise a family and struggles with the idea of being a mother and primarily a mother. She was a strong feminist for some years and the idea of setting down and raising a family somewhat chafes at her, even though she would make a great mother.
      It seems that for many women, that there is a constant struggle in many roles and regardless of what they choose have lots of extra barriers to overcome. I think her choice to be a devoted mother is a totally valid choice and a sacred trust. I see that this new-found independance for many women leaves them in a place in which there is no safe ground in which to feel comfortable, either they become career women and face the danger of trying to fit an old patriarchal model. Or if they decide to become a mother who wishes to raise their children they supposedly fly in the face of their independence.
         In the end the Queen of swords is showing us just one facet of female empowerment and it not so much matters if we are male or female, but whole.

7 of Swords. Deceit and dishonesty.

  This card is called the card of dishonesty and is the latest in a run of swords I seem to be pulling out of the deck. This rather innocuous card has open up a Pandora's box of different ideas and emotions in me. Before we get into that, I would like to look at the general theme of the card.
    The suit of swords as been established is related to the mental realm, thoughts in particular. The large number of swords is at this point still an unwieldy amount and creates an element of density in thought. The character  in the card appears to be in the process of making off with a bundle of swords from a camp. He is clearly sneaking away while the others are gathered in the distance unaware of his actions. The colour of the card..a sickly yellow suggests cowardice and his polka dot robe is reminiscent of a clown's attire, or the spots of the pox.
   Rather strangely his eyes are closed and an expression of pleasure is pasted over his face, almost as if his deceit is giving him a thrill. His face is pressed close to the blades and his hands and fingers clutch the naked steel in a way that would likely cause cuts and pain. There is an air of sadistic pleasure from this betrayer as he steals away what is not his.
    He wears a rather unusual hat, similar to a Morrocan fez which adds to his somewhat comical appearance. There is definitely an element of the trickster in this card, although it is without the wisdom of that archetypal being. His closed eyes show that he is not conscious of his misdeeds and may in fact say it was a joke or that he was not meaning to do harm, although the glee evident of his face suggests a sadistic pleasure in taking the power of others.
   The card suggests trickery, betrayal and malicious mischief. It can mean dishonesty and in-genuineness in someone you are dealing with, or in the way you are dealing with others.
   I drew this card late last night, just before I went to sleep and was asking for guidance with an issue that I am discovering with the Sahasrara chakra (Crown) which is at the top of the head. I have felt a great deal of issues bubbling to the surface after I have open up to the kundalini energy more and started to feel greater motivation. Doing this blog also brings things up almost continuously for examination.
   The issue with my crown chakra goes back a long way and in all honesty I have grown so used it that I have somewhat ignored the issue. I used to work for a bank in the UK and it was a job that was very stressful, my job was answering calls relating to the bank software which was usually failing to run people's wages. This meant most people who called were already stressed from their employees wages not being processed and often I had to inform them it was actually their error in not using the software correctly. At one point I was moved to a new section for which I was not trained because of some issue within the corporation. I was forced to deal with high value payment transactions with a very small window of time to fix them. I got calls from major corporations, often from all over the world trying to trace their lost payments which usually were valued in the millions. I was unfamiliar with the software and with the protocols and there was little to no supervision with managers passing off the problem. These calls would come in continuously, one after another with no break allowed between.
      I woke up one morning to find my pillow covered in hair and realised that I needed to get out of there. I walked in and found the head manager and told her either I get moved to a new department, or I would walk out. She moved me to another section and the hair loss stopped. From that point on the hair on the top of my head is a little sparser than I would like.
     This is what was connected to the issues with my crown chakra, but I could not work out how to remedy it. There is no reason why the hair should not grow back. There has been instances of hair loss in my family due to stress and I had passed this off as being the same thing. They had not found solution by leaving the job behind and neither had I..I gave it no further thought. Until now that is.
     That this card would appear in conjunction puzzled me. I could see no immediate connection between dishonesty and my situation. Yes, the bank had treated me badly..but they were hardly dishonest in their actions (those actions anyway!). I could not see me being dishonest in this either. I poured over the books I have on the cards and one detail stood out to me which was about in-genuineness. Did I really genuinely believe it was the right place for me to be? No..I didn't. It was in fact as far from being genuine to myself as I could get. Coming from an artistic and creative perspective, it was nothing like what I would hope for myself.
    With that I realised that I was being in-genuine with myself and that has never stopped. Sure..I understand my tolerances a little better now and know when to lay off a job that is no good for me before it develops into illness or stress. But that is hardly being genuine, it is simply flying under the wire of dishonesty with myself. All I was doing was flitting from one ill fitting position to another until I became too stressed to continue in any of them. This was not remedying the problem, but simply avoiding letting the symptoms get to an unmanageable level.
   The hair will not grow back, until I find something that genuinely fits with me. I can feel the heaviness on my crown chakra and I have felt the stagnant energy flow passing through that region. This of course leads to want to find out what it is that IS genuine for me. I already have a clue simply by where the issue is located...the crown...and no it is not being a King...even if I am a Leo...

King of Swords. Pure mental awareness.

 The King of  Swords is the culmination of the court cards for the suit of Swords. Looking at the line of characters from the Page to the King one can  see a progression, as though the court cards mature.
   The King sits upon his throne looking straight at the viewer, the only court card in the deck to do so. This suggests a level of awareness not present in the other cards and therefore present in whomever the card may represent. The winds behind him are indicative of the air element, so strong in the other cards now stand still in this card .This stillness of mind is indicative of awareness. It is not the blank stillness of a dullard, but the pure awareness of the moment. His posture on the throne is one of confident relaxed authority, his sword resting on his shoulder and no longer in a threatening position as one finds in the other air Court Cards.
      The sky is a brilliant blue as are his robes and the strength of these blues represents the King's ability to communicate his ideas in a precise and straightforward manner. The cloak of red suggests his ability to move quickly and with passion, should the need arise. The purple cloak above it shows that his is more likely to use his royalty and divine authority before it comes to taking aggressive action.
    His crown has a cherubic face adorning the front showing his divine ordination, even though his attributes are more mental in nature. His realm is that of air, thought and connection to divine mind through his mastery of stillness. He is a fellow you would not want to play chess against!
    The butterflies and faeries on the back of the throne link him to transformation and magical realms, even though this is clearly behind him and he not a fellow to be lost in idle daydreaming. He accesses them as a resource to augment his already considerable mental faculties. Such dreamy connections are better left to the court of cups, for him they are a source of potent information.
      For me the card represents the witnessing quality available to us when the mind has quietened and we are no longer blown by the winds. That stillness of mind cannot be overlooked as it permits a great level of control over ones reactions to inner and outer stimuli. Last night I met with a metaphysical meet up group and was pleasantly surprised by the quality of the company and the thoughtfulness of all present.
     One element that came up several times was the difficulty in keeping ones feelings and boundaries intact when venturing into the deeper territories of the psyche. For me I have been grateful for the fruits of my own meditation practice as this has given me the tools to quiet my own mind and find space to look upon every factor without being unduly influenced. The King of swords is the perfect teacher of that state. You cannot imagine him being ruffled by anything that appeared before him. He would simply look upon it as a phenomenon and act accordingly, be it a fairy or a fearsome beast from the subconscious.
    I spent a while trying to find an example in my life to date that  I could put my finger on and state he or she is like the King of Swords. In the end he is a perfect exemplar of that mind state of stillness that can serve so well, in inner or outer life.

Page of Swords. The rebel.

  The pages are the youngest of the court cards and although they are typically seen as male, they can also be viewed as women or as young children. I prefer to imagine them as having more female energy as this balances out the court cards in terms of male and female. In some decks, the Pages are known as Princesses.
   Regardless, looking at this page you could imagine the figure as either male or female. The figure suggests youthfulness and a level of naivete. The grip on the sword is not firm and suggests lack of experience, even if it is made prominent by raising it high. The bright colours of the garments speak of youth with vivid yellows and reds, both symbols of vitality and vibrancy.
   The Pages are also seen as messengers, while the page of swords is often seen as a messenger of somewhat ill or unfortunate news. The reason for this is that the figure is turning against the wind, which is often seen as a symbol of the divine...an invisible force that is present everywhere. While the youth has not built up the courage to run headlong into the wind like the slightly more mature Knight, there is definitely a sparkle in her eye which suggests she is thinking about it.
   The swords symbolising mental thought, are often arrayed against the instinctual forces. It is the part of us that animals have not mastered to our level. It is only thought that allows us to turn against these instinctual forces, for good or for ill. But only through exercising one's thoughts and will does one learn to really become an individual and not simply a slave to our instincts.
    The birds above her are flying together and are moving in the same direction as her thoughts. This suggests a herd or flock mentally still present in the mind and not the full development of individuality, which is often very present in the young. They show her slightly rebellious demeanor. The clouds also swell in an curve, suggesting the movement along with the wind then a turning back. The clouds are symbolic of emotional turmoil (water and air..emotion and thought) and as yet they have not developed into a storm.
    This card reminds me of an individual I encountered yesterday. I went to play a local pick-up game of soccer. It was a rag tag bunch of guys, varying from teens to guys in their sixties. I am sad to say they could all run around for longer on the field than I, but we all had a good time. The youngest guy there was somewhere in his teens and when I drew this card I immediately thought of him.
    He was an excellent player, if somewhat cocksure and overconfident. His attitude was somewhat reminiscent of the figure in the card, that he was eager to prove himself on the field and held a somewhat rebellious nature. Like the figure in the card he seemed untested and somewhat in awe of his own perceived prowess. The young page stands tall on his mound, ready to face the world, yet he does not have the spurs of the knight, nor his battle tested armour. That is where the danger lies in this card and with this archetype, he is somewhat similar to The Fool, yet without the universe standing at his back. A callow and untested youth, but with all their vibrancy, rebelliousness and as yet unbowed by the challenges of the world.

8 of Swords. Bondage and the restricted self.

  The 8 of Swords is known as the card of bondage and one only has to glance at the card to see why. I have had a relatively chequered past with this card and it has come up with some regularity in my personal readings and those I have done readings for.
  Again there is symbolism related to covered eyes with the blindfold and this has been a regular theme in the recently drawn cards. This card is also usually viewed in a negative light, but again it is only an indicator and can actually be a blessing if the information is heeded. I see it like a flashing fuel gauge on your car, you might not like seeing it but it is there to warn you of a situation you should take note of.
   The woman in the card is blind, bound and entrapped by a circle of swords stuck in the swampy ground. Her surroundings appear drab and the situation hopeless. The swords in the ground symbolise the proliferance of thoughts that keep her in bondage. It is a situation that probably feels familiar to a great many people..stuck in the mud, surrounded on all sides by limitation and tied up to boot!
   Taking a closer look at the card one can actually see that things are not as bad as they seem. The fact that the card is minor arcana suggests that is an energy that is prevalent in the situation and not some divine punishment. The person is actually responsible for her thoughts and therefore just as capable of changing them. The bonds around her are loose and could be easily slipped off... if not there is a number of sharp swords close at hand! If she took off her blindfold she could see that the swords can be easily circumvented and that the castle lies not far off behind her. The castle itself suggests prosperity, security and shelter only a short distance away.
    This card is all about being imprisoned by your own thoughts or lack of perspective and this happens far too often. One thing to bear in mind is that although you as the viewer of the card can see all these possibilities, it is not on view to the one so bound. If you  have to deal with a person so trapped, one must be aware that their perspective of the situation is limited until they escape from their blindfold. Again we have all been in a situation in which the course seems obvious to one who can see and the other has fallen into hopelessness because of their perception of their situation. This kind of situation calls for compassion and a great deal of patience.
    This card urges me to have the same level of compassion and patience for my own bondage as well for others. I often find my patience stretched when having to deal with those from very limited perspectives and it reminds me that I have also been in those very situations and compassion and understanding not frustration and irritation was what I needed most.
    On a personal level this card is talking to me about my own bands of restriction. I have recently started a regular exercise regimen, involving weekly trips to the gym, yoga on occasion and football (soccer). I can feel bands of tension around my hips and shoulders where there is tightness. Wilhelm Reich talked about seven bands of tension that occur in the body and limit the flow of blood and vital energies. These seven bands correspond perfectly to the chakra system even though Reich preferred to keep other systems at arm's length.
      He postulated that the muscular tension was because of emotional charged memories stored within the body itself and that these suppressed memories could be released with bodywork. His ideas have formed the cornerstone of modern body-working and I have certainly encountered memories surfacing through massage or other bodywork. The idea is that when when our body organism feels threatened emotionally it responds by contracting the muscles to protect us. If this occurs on a regular enough basis the body will become chronically tense, even if the emotionally charged situation no longer threatens us. That is why as many people get stiffer and less flexible as they add more and more armouring to anything that even vaguely resembles the original causative factor.
     I do agree with Reich, although I believe if the emotional affectation can be reached and experienced, then the injured part will rise up in the consciousness bringing forth the memories for release. Once released they will lead the faulty or incorrect belief statement to awareness for examination. If this can be surmounted then the muscles will relax and will likely not relapse. I have directly experienced this myself.
    I don't believe physical manipulation is always necessary and if the belief structure is not altered then all it will do is relieve the current pressure until it builds up once more. I have made greater physical breakthroughs through meditation and depth introspection than I have in months of yoga. Yoga, exercise and body-work  is unparalleled for removing the toxins from the body and maintaining flexibility though and would thoroughly recommend it.
    I feel the bands around my hips slowly slipping away more and more each day...as for the bands around my shoulders..I have yet to understand their attribution.
 
   
 
 

9 of Swords. Stress and suffering.

 The 9 of swords is one of the darker cards in the deck, certainly in the minor arcana. Although like with all the cards, it is not necessarily "bad". It simply is a signifier of a certain type of energy and making you aware of the energy allows you to bypass it.
   This card is one of nightmares, stress, anxiety and mental overload. The swords represent the mental plane and they are the suit that is least favourable, certainly in multiples. Both the Swords and Wands, being air and fire respectively are more suited to subtler refined amounts and tend to become heavy and damaging the more you have of them. This is in opposition to Pentacles (money, earthiness) and Cups (emotions) in which it is generally preferable to have more of.
     The scene in the card shows a person with their head in their hands, presumably after being awoken by nightmares, or being unable to sleep because of a proliferation of thoughts. We have all had those nights when you just can't get to sleep because your mind won't stop turning. This card represents that very situation.
    The patchwork blanket alternates between roses and stitched depictions of mystical and astrological symbols. This adds to the multiplicity and confusion of the scene, as though there is just too much going on.
   The 9 in the card is showing that completion is near and the swords that point to the east suggest that this is only a temporary situation and this too shall pass. Given the nature of the swords, it is entirely possible that all the suffering is being caused by fears and anxieties and that they actually have no ground in reality. Much as a nightmare, switching on the light of consciousness will show you that it is only a mirage and a gross exaggeration of a fear.
    When I received this card it spoke to me of various tensions and stresses that have been going on in my life and in the lives of those around me. Many people I know have concerns about their situation, which could rapidly spiral out of control and induce decisions based out of fear. In fact simply talking about this has raised concerns regarding a close friend of mine and I realise this card may be talking of situations going on around me, rather than within me.
      Otherwise the symbolism of the card did have a message for me. The figure in the card has his hands placed over his eyes which is a form of meditation I have been experimenting with to help with opening my brow chakra. The idea being that complete darkness would provide a better ground for visualisation than the semi-light conditions I usually meditate in. When this is not comfortable I have been experimenting with an eye-mask  The card itself related to negative thoughts and thinking and I have understood that this is what is holding me back in this area, especially those related to judging others or seeing the negative more clearly.

Knight of Swords. Mental activity.

   I drew the knight of swords after what I felt like was a pretty hit-and-miss kind of day. The blowing winds on the cards were certainly matched by the rain and lightning storms that were prevalent through the day and we did enough charging about too! We went out for lunch with a friend and ended up being chased by wind,lightning and rain in an attempt to find a dry spot good hike. We were rained back into the vehicle numerous times and at several stops, although we did get to see a snake laying across the path enjoying the warmth of the asphalt. He certainly seemed in no rush.
   Anyway...the court cards often represent people and I often am unsure how to fit them into a reading especially if they fall by themselves. The readings I do tend to be short on personal info and more about situations and how to bypass them, so when I encounter a court card it is kind of like finding an Uno card in my poker hand.
   The knight on the horse certainly seems to be in a hurry to get somewhere, so hurriedly he only had time to put on one glove. He races into the winds, his sword raised and a look of panic on his horse's face. Maybe he is racing back and forth with no real destination, looking for a way to be useful. The birds above his head also seem to display the same lack of cohesion and the card seems to speak of hurrying, almost for hurrying's sake. The birds adorning his cloak and on the horse's barding suggest a  flightiness..certainly coupled with the butterflies which in this card only emphasise that particular element rather than bringing in any real transformation.
     The suit of swords represents thoughts and mental activity and I am reminded of my own thoughts..although to say thoughts would be a misnomer. During a meditation late last night I asked about how I could learn to see in greater clarity with regards to seeing energy and clairvoyantly. It is not that I cannot, but it is as though a gauze is over my eyes. The answer came that I need to cleanse the visual impressions away from my mind more regularly. Sure enough, when I relaxed into it I saw the activities of the day dancing before my eyes. I had spent quite a bit of time playing a video game and all I could see was the back and forth movement of the game, as if I was an incredibly indecisive hummingbird. In the game the character is stuck on a deserted island and plagued by zombies and now all I could see was my frantic scrambling up and down pathways and the constant shifting of scenes. I had intended to run a second blog about reviewing games along side this one, but I get the impression it may well be too much of a stretch. I may end up like the knight on horseback..running back and forth on a mental level to try and make everything work.
        The knights often represent masculine active energy and in this instance those brought into play in the mind. In this particular combination it is not particularly helpful and can suggest a frenetic situation, they often can be regarded as messengers of whichever energy they serve.
    Maybe the knight is simply showing me the futility of frantic action with no real cause, which is certainly a good reflection of the day in which nothing of any real substance was achieved. In the end I just chalked it up to being one of those days!