I want never gets, a legacy of guilt.

   I have recently been opening up the rest of my energy system to kundalini energy. I have run into a deadly trap within my own system and it has been holding me up for a long while. Thankfully with help from some of my dreams I am making headway.
    Many years ago I had my first kundalini awakening, I discuss it fully in one of my first posts here. Suffice to say that it only opened up the energy in the upper part of my torso, arms, head and neck included. The energy didn't fully flow down into my lower torso or legs especially around the root chakra. I didn't think much of it at the time as the experience was new to me to begin with. It was only much later that I discovered that the energy within me was not fully balanced.
   The problem became a little more pronounced later, causing me to suffer from a restless leg style side effect which I later discovered were kriyas. The energy was trying to equalize during the sleep cycles or during meditation and it was much too strong to happen without a lot of discomfort and pain.
   This continued for many years and I simply didn't know how to go about resolving it. Other healers were at a loss and the strong physical aspect of it only served to frighten. Recently (within the last year) I managed to discover and resolve the blockage that was causing so much disturbance with deep meditation, relaxation and giving in to the discomfort. There was also a large psychological element along with emotional affects which also needed to be worked on. The problem has not re-occurred and I can now sleep and meditate without this energy spike occurring.
     It seems as though the work on my legs and feet is not quite finished though. The legs and feet correspond to the material world and my connection to it. I still am running into numerous material issues, both financially and health wise. Financially the flow is more of a drip. Health wise, my hips, hamstrings, ankles and the soles of my feet are subject to tension and inflexibility. Both aspects seem a mirror of each other. The major blockage has been resolved, but the pathways are still blocked.
    A few nights ago I had a dream which elucidated the problem. In the dream I was trying to move down a corridor which had several branches. All along the floor were tiny holes from which arrows and needles would fire forth whenever I moved along the corridor. It made moving down the corridor at any speed both painful and difficult. There were several painted pathways on the ground in blue and red and the blue pathways seemed the easiest to traverse.
    It seemed a perfect analogy for the matter at hand. Trying to move energy (or even blood or fluids) through my legs was a painful and slow process subject to pain. The faster I attempted to stretch my legs and hips out the worse it would become. Unfortunately the rate at which it is comfortable to move is too slow and any faster movement causes pain. This, like trying to make headway in my financial life is intolerably slow and not something that can be suffered for the long term. Looking at the problem only served to cause frustration and depression as there seems to be no alternative.
   So, last night I took a walk to Walgreens (a 24hr pharmacy) ostensibly to pick up some hot chocolate and a drink for Zoe so I could give myself some space to think. As I walked through the campus late at night listening to my ipod a thought occurred to me. I believe it was Einstein that stated that "no problem can be solved at the level it was created". This serves well for any situation and I realised that I was looking at the situation all wrong.
   Rather than seeing the traps as the problem to be overcome I needed to regard the entire situation from a higher level. I have been looking at how the situation is defended and not why. My body/mind system is seeking to stop movement along the pathway, especially anything large or fast. So there is a movement of energy, but only in small chunks, or larger ones if I don't mind taking the hits. I had to consider why is this considered a threat that needs to be reduced or eliminated. 
     I knew that I could rely on my subconscious to eventually figure it out, so when I went to bed I took my notebook and a little reading light. It seems that between 1am and 3am is the best time for letting my mind hazily drift over the topics without distraction. Note: I did not think about it, I just let my mind kind of gaze at it...seeing out of the corner of my eye as it were.
    Part of me thought that it was likely to do with success, that maybe I had a fear of success. But this although fitting the scenario did not get any traction. Then I began to consider that achieving success might bring forth unwanted feelings or thoughts. I looked at my own attitude and realised that a part of me just thinks it isn't possible, that regardless of how hard I try things aren't going to work out for me. That I am just doomed to not get what I want. Now this thought rang a bell.
    Many years back when I had my first experience with kundalini I was working on a big issue for me which was finding my voice. I grew up being painfully shy and unable to express myself. In the end it all came down to what I had been reinforced with since I was a small child. It was the phrase "I want never gets". This maxim had been hammered into me as I grew up. If I said the dreaded phrase "I want" I would be berated and told that I was being VERY rude and given sour looks. Obviously I would be racked with guilt if ever such a phrase slipped out of my lips. Instead I had to phrase everything to cause minimum offense and so that my parents could feel okay with denying my wants, since they were no longer wants, but only very polite requests. All and any of my desires ran the risk of being vetoed. I had to be grateful for whatever I got, even if it wasn't what I wanted.
      Now this all where it began to make sense to me. The protective system is in place to save me from actually getting what I want and therefore doing something shameful and bad. I have worked through my issues enough to be able to express those wants and desires, but as for actually getting them? This idea of "I want never gets" has been so deeply inculcated that it literally stops it from occurring. For me it is a deep universal truth and while I may be able to deny its truth on a mental and verbal level, physically and emotionally it is still just as true as when I was 5 years old. My body literally battles against my mind and tries to protect me from shame and guilt. It leaves me with a legacy of never being fulfilled as it would be asking too much from my poor beleaguered parents. A ridiculous and outdated program in my own psyche.
     The key in this is turning those guardian forces around and to have them working for me rather than against me. They no longer need to protect me from guilt and shame, which are always seen as omnipresent threats for undesirable behaviour. Then I could stop projecting these parental figures onto any beings/organisations etc that might hold my well-being in their hands be it people, bosses or even the universe itself! I can say I want and not expect punishment.
    For my full understanding I must look at the reverse side of why someone would say that in the first place. From my own understanding it is from that person's poverty mindset. I feel that reasonable requests and desires are never really outside of the realm of possibility. A parent often feels that they have to provide everything for the child, but this is a fallacy of limited thinking. The parent is only the vessel of transmission from the universe to the child. If the parent believes that their own desires are not being fulfilled by the cosmos, then they are likely to pass on that mindset to the child, even if this is not actually true. My desires as a child were well within the bounds of possibility, often a new toy I really wanted or the gift of time and attention from a parent. My parents had been living in a scarcity mindset and they felt those things were not even achievable. This was not actually true and the few things I really needed would never have broken the bank. If they had taken the time to look at the needs of a family, they may have realised that their lives were out of alignment and found new and more fulfilling ways of living. They each made their choices and placed the burden of guilt upon me as a child for not being a party to their conspiracy of poverty. My desires were punished with guilt and had to be quieted or smothered for the benefit of not upsetting the status quo. If this legacy were theirs alone then this would be a different matter, but I now must spend my time digging up the bones of the past so I can be free of their influence.
     Seeing this, I can now be free of the guilt and shame that I have felt towards myself and start to really consider what to do from hereon out. It was never my guilt and shame, but that of my parents.
     Knowing this I can re-purpose those defenses to protect from further assaults designed to make me feel the  guilt or shame of another. When I feel a desire arise I can then process it and defend it from those who would seek to make me feel ashamed of natural wants and desires. Guilt is a feeling that arises from within and we do not have to accept it from an outside source, so now I can move forward without having to figure out when to defend against being guilted when I don't feel that way.
   
   

XVI- The Tower

  The Tower is one of the the Major Arcana and is often presumed to be an ill omen-ed card to draw because of the imagery on the card. There is a tendency to think that it is a "bad" card when it is drawn. In spite of this, it is actually one of my favourite cards to find in a reading!
    The Major Arcana speak of strong currents and powerful archetypes, of things set in motion beyond our understanding and this card is one of the most dramatic of those. The Tower itself represents our ego consciousness, the sum total of the structures we build for ourselves in order to keep us "safe" from the dangerous forces that lurk beyond our understanding. It is all the social, moral, legal and personal values that we cement around the core of our beings..our armour if you will. We crown our egos King and Queen and let them preside over all they survey from the safety of their ivory tower. It is the smugness of the egomaniac, the certainty of the scientist, the legal fortress of the lawyer and the presumption of mankind. It is our own Tower of Babel, defying all around to prove us wrong while we sit safely (so we believe) behind the walls of our own flawed understanding.
       The lighting strikes the tower dissolving this egoic structure in one devastating blow, liberating those within from the confines of their own prisons. The bolt is seen to be smiting the crown from the top of the tower, symbolising the fall of the ego as ruler. The lightning flash is a symbol of the liberating forces of the universe delivering the blow. It is the blow that slays the dragon of our own pompous illusions, the sundering of the gates to freedom.
       The fire and flaming yods (the red orange tear shapes) symbolise all the liberated energy that was being used to maintain the false structure. It takes an immense amount of energy to maintain the tower of our own beliefs and with its destruction comes the release of that energy and the feeling of liberation. There are 22 yods in all, indicative of the 22 paths of the Kabbalah. This means a complete release of energy. The tower is literally burnt to its foundations.
      When this card is drawn it shows that a ego structure is about to be brought low. Concentrating on the terror of this is why so many people fear this card. they desperately cling to their own egos in order to feel safe. Think of the explosion in Fight Club in which the protagonist's apartment is destroyed along with all the possessions which previously defined him and the subsequent moment of relief when he recognises his own liberation. Without this single moment of divine destruction his journey would not have begun, he would have remained trapped in a prison of his own construction.
        The lightning bolt doesn't have to be a literal bolt that blows your house to pieces. It could be a flash of inspiration which destroys all previous theories, a ray of sunlight which dispels the darkness of your own fears.  These are all Tower moments, without which we would continue to live under the iron rule of our own egos.
       The card is also connected to the neck and the voice. Some cards show the tower being destroyed by a vocalised shout. This is akin to a liberating scream, or the words of rebellion that shatter the bonds of confinement.
       The two figures falling from the tower are those that have set themselves as false Gods. These two figures are a representation of the mother and father archetypes that so many of us still live under. We project the faces of our fathers and mothers on the the faces of the gods and yet we are the ones that enthrone them as the rulers, even though we desperately believe we are no longer ruled by them. These false rulers are passed on and on, never being questioned and so we make the same mistakes our parents did because we have inherited their own tower of beliefs. We may hang different tapestries on the walls and pretend that we really decide what we think, but we look out from the same windows and see the same things as they did before us.
      So when this liberation comes, this thunderbolt from the heavens it is to be embraced as it lays waste to all  that keeps us trapped.
    The card also has a strong link to Kundalini energy, as it passes through the body like a thunderbolt burning away the dross and stagnation that has built up within us. The Kriyas can be seen as a the blocks of our towers falling away as the lightning strikes away the dense parts of our consciousness.
    This card comes at an opportune time for Zoe and I. She is working towards liberating herself from some confining and suffocating instances in her life that have kept her trapped. She rose with the early morning to write and release her feelings and she spoke to me afterwards of how she felt something shift in her heart and a feeling of lightness.
    For me, this card has been a constant companion and I have watched many parts of my life tumble away after being shattered, stripping me the core. Some losses are harder to bear than others and this is not an easy card to have come up, but one I am grateful for because it brings a great sense of liberation once the work is done. I am reminded of the difficulties that can emerged when letting go of things that have defined us and this can even lead to physical purgings. I have seen people after making a profound realisation spend hours being sick or releasing toxins of one sort or another. This is particularly common when something that has been deeply ingrained is proven to be false, we can feel as if the world is literally coming to pieces or collapsing all around us. One can take heart that what is being released is ready to leave and that something much purer can replace it.
    It brought a realisation about my own life and thoughts just an hour after drawing the card. One which I believe will have profound impact on my life once it can be fully implemented. I have been considering the idea of abundance and how ones intentions and energy goes to define the reality we experience. I talked about this a little in the previous card (6 of Pentacles) when I realised I had been valuing my work at zero and therefore programming myself to feel I was not putting anything out there materially.
     What I realised as I lay in bed last night before sleep is that I put an awful lot of energy into thinking how to prevent myself from having so little. All it does is re-enforce that I have little. I spend time working out how to make an income, which is really just spending time in the energy of "not having enough". I spend so little time actually feeling what it will be like having what I want and relishing that feeling. All I do is create more of the same. I was able to catch my thoughts as the moved around and look at me figuring out how to not miss out on something, or to not have too little. These mindsets just bring me to the feeling of not having it. It is like visualising a scenario of looking at an empty account and me struggling to fill it. It is the difference between getting caught in a problem and pondering how to get out and being in the feeling of success and letting yourself be led there.
    Rather I should spend my time enjoying the feeling of what it will be like when I get it. I don't do this in other areas of my life, in those areas I just know things will be fine and they continue to be. I once knew a girl who had a fear of swallowing her own tongue and choking, she would spend her time concerned with ways to stop this happening. Each day would be a success if she made it there without swallowing her tongue. It is much the same idea, we all take the idea that we aren't going to choke on our tongues for granted and so we don't spend any time working out to stop this occurring. Whereas for her, there was a very real need to spend time figuring out strategies to avoid this outcome (at least in her mind). She spent much time and energy on what for most of us would seem a total waste of time and in fact was. She had conditioned herself to believe that without that mental effort being continuously exerted she would choke and would in fact start choking the moment she spent too much time thinking about it! If she could spend her time viscerally imagining breathing freely and how great that feels, the paranoia would disappear.
     I hadn't realised that I spent so much time working out strategies which involved lack as a basic constituent. Not that any of them ever help! In fact spending time in a space which promotes the feeling of lack can only hinder the actual flow of abundance, even if it is masquerading as a constructive use of time. For example looking for work on craigslist always left me feeling icky,  whereas spending time generating creative value..be it art or writing or making new contacts always felt good and is always the source of new opportunities.
    This inspirational realisation will revolutionise my own consciousness, because each time I see such a thought squirming around I can let it go and replace it with how it will feel to be travelling, or enjoying a new purchase or just feeling happy. I will be able to start to turn the tide within my own psyche.

 
 
     

Motivation and Kundalini

 In the previous post Kundalini Surges I had talked about how I had been suffering from the jolting pains of a kriya in my legs and lower torso. A kriya for the uninitiated is a forcing of energy through the energy meridians which has the purpose of clearing out lower vibrational debris in one push. This is similar to a low capactity wire trying to take a higher voltage. It literally burns away the resistance or punches it out of the way. A kriya doesn't have to be painful, but sometimes pain can accompany it, especially if there is a great deal of resistance. The closest example can be when one falls asleep at night and wakes up with a jolt when consciousness returns to the body and you get the feeling you just tripped or fell, although the kriyas occur during wakefulness and often without letting up. This can in some situations be mistaken for nerve damage or sciatica if it occurs in the legs (not that these can't accompany a kriya!).

     Anyway, these kriyas have been with me for a long time and only recently did I get to a point in which I have actually been making significant progress. I found that the jolting actually originated in my sacral area and would cause my legs to jerk spasmodically if I relaxed too much. Nothing really helped, although I did find laying on my side and letting it get on with it for a few hours meant that I would fall into a deeply restful sleep afterwards. Never-the-less it didn't resolve the issue, it just meant it passed through and the tension returned as soon as it got the chance. The actual root issue was not touched and therefore no real healing would occur. Letting it do its thing did give me an acceptance of the process though, which was invaluable as I could start to look at where the root was.

     The breakthrough came a few weeks ago and although there a great number of periphery issues that tied into this(such as my creative block), there has been one major block that needed to go first. A seemingly separate problem actually also found resolution with this too. In order to fully understand the situation, this needs to be discussed. 

     I had previously found it very difficult to motivate myself. Now, this may seem like a common complaint and in many ways this is what stopped me from fully giving it the credence that it deserved. But the best way to describe this was as though every action I wanted to take, I had a resistance to. As if I had to overcome this barrier every time I wished to do something. Now, the barrier to me doing things wasn't particularly tall or hard to bypass, but it did require me to apply my willpower to do so and over the course of a day would become prohibitively costly. This gave people the impression that I was lazy or not really wanting to try hard enough..which actually could not be further from the truth. It was as though I had 100 points of willpower to assign during a day and every action regardless of how hard or easy would require an extra 10 points to begin with. This was outside of the regular cost of the task. On the upside, it has given me quite a heroic level of willpower, the sad thing was that I had to use this to achieve even a standard level of accomplishment. Any particularly difficult task might leave me exhausted and unable to act for a while afterward while I recovered. This lack of motivation only seemed to occur when it came to material or worldly tasks, mental or emotional issues seemed to not be part of this. I had been aware of this difficulty for some time now, but had been clueless as to how to actually resolve the matter. They say that being aware is half the battle, but sometimes it is just the easier half. 

     Another factor has been the financial situation I have found myself in. I had to leave my job for many different reasons and this left my wife Zoe taking the burden of keeping up with the bills and everyday costs. Even though I have been working on things that really needed working on, because of the aforementioned issue it has meant that she had been carrying more than her fair share. When I tried to do more than I could handle, then I would get burned out too and this was not a good situation for us. 

     This confluence of forces pushed me into a place I have been many times before and a place I have not particularly enjoyed. I felt powerless and unable to remove myself from the situation which I viewed as untenable and unfair. At this point I began to recognise something in myself that I didn't particularly like the look of. I regularly state that in order to move down the road of self-discovery one must have the courage to face the darker parts of oneself, but this is often harder to put into practice than simply to state.

    I started to see that I supported myself with other people, that through my own inability to stand for whatever reason I was taking advantage, albeit unknowingly of others. This had happened financially and physically  in all quarters of my life, often getting people to take up my slack with chores or tasks. It is a very ugly part of myself to face and one which I am not at all proud of. As soon as I recognised this I was hit with a terrible wave of self-loathing and disgust at my own inability. Why couldn't I get a job? Why would I let someone else take the strain for me? Why was I just so damn weak? 

     I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to practice meditation, since this allowed me to pull my awareness out of this poisonous swamp of negativity and watch it swirl past and through me. As soon as I had opened Pandora's box then this negativity was free to come out and flow into the world at any point I was even reminded of my powerlessness. I realized that it was feeding itself, simply by the sheer fact that I would feel even more disgust at my disgust and so forth. I noticed a pattern within it that it was usual for it to occur later in the evenings, just before I would attempt to sleep. This was usually when the kriyas would be worst. So in evening I would let the feelings flow through me and try not to get attached, to feel that it was the old negative karma leaving my body. That this was the swamp of my inertia was the insight that occurred to me.

      One evening a few nights after the first recognition of this and an hour or so after the feelings had moved through me. I decided to see if I could get to the root of this, I felt weighed down and heavy from all the feelings that had been moving through me and so it was easy for me to slip into a deep reverie. I asked where all this was coming from and I became aware of a triangle shape in my sacral area and memories arose. When I was still very young I recall that I had issue with wetting the bed after an age when it should no longer have been an issue. My memory was of my parents coming to take my sister and I from our beds and to the bathroom. This generally occurred late at night, often before they were going to bed and was as regular as clockwork. I recall a feeling coming up that "I can't do it" and being too young to articulate this sentiment to my parents, along with not wanting to disappoint them. This, I realised was what was re-occurring every time I was attempting to do something that had a material component! I was having to use my willpower to overcome this childhood concern, which had become so deeply embedded that I was unaware of its influence. 

     I recall I moved into Child's pose (a yoga position) and I could literally feel the knot of tension in my sacral bone. I relaxed the area and informed myself that I was an adult and did not need to hold onto this concern, that I was capable of discerning and putting forth my own needs. All of a sudden there was a rush of feeling and energy and a pop from the bones in the area. I understood my body was simply one large circuit, with thoughts or energy passing from my head to my feet. If my energy stayed within my head, or in my emotional body then there was no resistance, but if it need to pass down into materiality...into the world then it was running into the band of resistance around my pelvis.

     With this done, all of a sudden I did not have the barrier to bypass any longer. It is now simple for me to choose what I want to do and to do it... it is immensely liberating. I no longer feel I can't do it. The self loathing still occurs from time to time, but I feel I am still releasing myself from all the constraints and networks I am in, so I am gentle with myself. 

     I also realised that the time in which I suffered from the Kriyas the most was also the same time in the evenings when as I child I would have been taken to use the bathroom. My body was still reacting as a 6 or 7 year old child, waiting for permission or forcing myself when I was not ready.

    It is not an easy practice, but I am grateful for the process. There are times when waves of self-loathing will hit when I see what I have asked of others because of my inability. I am still extricating myself from the deeply held patterns of dependence on others and I do my best to remain compassionate towards myself throughout.  What is most amazing is the lifting of the barrier that had defined so much of my world. On one hand it saddens me because I wonder about all the opportunities I never had the energy to pursue, the relationships that collapsed because of my unconscious lethargy and who I might have been without this restraint. Yet, it also give me hope that I might still become that person and that I will have the energy to meet those opportunities. Before it would not have been possible for me to continue a blog while exercising, keeping in touch with old friends and cultivating new options and for that I am grateful.

    

Kundalini Surges

  This actually a repost, but it is relevant to the nature of this site and it explains a little of my history with the Kundalini Energy. I posted this on January 13th 2010. 

Of recent I have been dealing with the upsurge (although downsurge would probably be more accurate) of kundalini energy in my body again. Now for those that aren’t familiar with the term kundalini, it is synonymous with the idea of the eros and the muse, or to put it simply… it is the energy of enlightenment. There is plenty of descriptions out there for those who care to look, but as for actual hard facts on this phenomenon, you can find very little outside of certain meditative practises. Even then they, from my humble experience, don’t go very much into explaining how to actually deal with the process that is involved once this terrifying force enters into one’s life. Mainly they discuss how to initiate oneself into the process (such as meditation, specific diets or certain esoteric techniques), but as the the actual process, it seems there is little guidance and many teachers I feel would be out of their depth in actually dealing with many of the hard realities that come with the process.

So, the best way for me to talk of it is to honestly outline my own experiences with the process. The first time I experienced a kria (this is similar to being hit by a mini shock of energy through the nervous system) was when I was travelling and deeply involved in my own spiritual practise. I was reading a book at the time (Bringers of the Dawn, by Barbara Marciniak) when I felt a surge of energy in my body. It seemed wholly limited to my upper torso and arms and it caused me to jerk as if I had touched an open circuit. My body felt a series of very short sharp spasms to pass through it, causing my arms to shake and my hands to open and close and contort spasmodically. This continued for a period of 10-15 minutes and although I felt I could have halted the process by exerting my will, it didn’t seem to be affecting me adversely and so I let it continue. This period was also followed by a feeling of great realisation, as if I had suddenly been inducted into a greater consciousness of reality. That we were only a fragment of the life that was out there in the cosmos and that understanding became a part of my awareness.

The weeks after the experience were filled with strange and wonderful synchronicities and other fragments of understanding percolating into my consciousness.  Over the years I have had very limited interactions with that type of energy. My life at the time was pretty upside down, so it was very simple to integrate the tumult that such realisations often bring and so they didn’t cause a great deal of upset.

Of recent though, it seems as though that energy is trying to make its way down through my hips and into my legs. It has been doing so for the 5 or 6 years since that first episode, but I don’t think I was able to fully assimilate the learning that that would have brought. I feel that I have had a great deal of resistance into bringing that type of realisation down to an earthly level and how that would actually impact the physical reality of how I would live.

As a result, the symptoms had taken on a decidedly unpleasant aspect. The energy now feels like a rhino trying to ram its way through a doggie door and the partition between my spiritual life and my earthly life  is crumbling. This physically manifests itself as severe jolts of energy striking at my pelvic area along my nerve pathways. Relaxing into this is a trial as it is often very painful and results in my hips bucking as the energy surges through. This can continue for around 15 minutes every night, often when I am too tired to deal with it in a gracious way 

It has also been accompanied by migraine auras, but without the migraine. These are visual hallucinations of geometric zig-zag patterns that expand outwards and obscure vision with their intense light. Looking back I can see that this has been a constant process over the intervening years but simply knowing this does not always make it easy to deal with.  Looking for traditional medical explanations usually ends with you trotting off to see a doctor in case of possible neural damage. If I ascribe wholly medical reasons, I could assume I am suffering from severe sciatica, migraines without aura and possible nerve damage.  Yet, as we are all aware the medical model does not hold all the answers and there is definitely something greater behind this process.

   As of today (September 9th, 2011) I have managed to work with the energy and it is now opening up and flowing a lot smoother (it no longer disturbs my sleep). I will discuss the process I went through to get to this point later in my blog. Also I put a link in to the book I was reading at the time of the first awakening (it requires an open mind!).